01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing ♪

♪ I want, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪

You lucky stiff!

I know!

You are the luckiest
of the stiffs.

I know it!

Gwendolyn Pierce.

-Gwendolyn Pierce!
-Gwendolyn Pierce!

[gleeful laughter]

Hot...hotness personified.

When God made Gwendolyn Pierce
that's when He knew He was God.

And you asked her out?

Yeah, I mean I don't even
know how it happened.

All of a sudden,
this voice came out of me like,

"Uh, excuse me, Gwendolyn,

would you like
to go out sometime?"

And this voice came
out of her and said,

"Yes."

Charles!

Lila!

Alexander Morgan!

No, Buddy Lembeck.

Not you, goon machine.

Alexander Morgan is only
the class president,

the best athlete,
fabulous-looking,

most excellent boy
in the eighth grade.

I hate his kind.

And I'll give you one guess
who he asked to help him

with his homeward tonight.

Oh, gee, I don't know,
Lila, just one guess?

What do you think, goon machine?

I'm racking my brain,
how much time do I have?

Me!

-No.
-That's wrong.

You're out, Lila.

Nah, if Alexander
Morgan likes me,

I'm most definitely in!

I'm in, I'm in, I'm in!

Were we ever
that young and immature?

Never.

Gwendolyn Pierce.

-Gwendolyn Pierce!
-Gwendolyn Pierce!

So, where are you
taking her tonight?

Well, I thought we'd start
off with an intimate dinner

at some cozy, little,
out of the way--

[makes buzzer noise]

Hey, out of the way
is where you go

when your Aunt Harriet
fixes you up with something

from the plant world.

When your date eats flies,
you go out of the way.

This girl you show off.

Where?

A packed restaurant, crowded,

when every guy
you know is there.

Why?

So, you can go like this:

"Hey, guys, how's it going?

Look what I got."

You see, Buddy, this is
why you're gonna die alone.

Okay, you're done with dinner.

Now, where do you take her?

[makes buzzer noise]

Here.

Right here.

Charles, when you
told me you took this job

taking care of the children

and you moved in
with this family,

right on top
of going to college,

I thought you were insane.

Suddenly, I see the advantages.

You bring her back here,
she gets one look at how good

she thinks you've got it
and she's all yours, you stiff!

No, Buddy, I don't bring
my dates back here.

I don't think the kids
are ready for that yet.

Are you joking or are you
turning into Sebastian Cabot?

I am turning into someone
who has new responsibilities

and needs to be
in control of himself.

Now, having Gwendolyn here
is no good for my control

of himself.

You know what you're problem is?

You're too sincere
for your own good.

Don't call me sincere.

Lunatic, you're a lunatic.

Gwendolyn goes after lunatics,
I still have a chance.

Charles!

Oh, hello, Mrs. Pembroke.

Charles, I know you
had tonight off,

but the newspaper
just assigned me

to cover the opening
of a new play,

so, I'm sorry it's
such short notice,

but while we're out
Stan and I will need you

to stay with the children.

I hope it doesn't
present a problem.

No, it's no problem at all.

Oh, good.

Hello.

-Hold it!
-No.

I'm Charles' friend.

No!

Yes, you're the one Lila calls,
wait a minute, what is it?

And because I'm Charles' friend,

I have a responsibility
to tell you he has

a date tonight.

Goon Machine!

That's it.

Listen, uh, I could
see her another time.

Oh, sure, like Halley's Comet.

Listen, Charles,
why don't you just

invite her over here?

Here?

No, Mrs. Pembroke,
you don't want me to do that.

Why not, it's
the least I could do.

I ruined your plans tonight.

But she's a girl.

But what about the children?

They'll see her, they'll know.

Oh, the children know
everything, Charles.

We have cable TV.

Listen, call her, invite her.

Well, it's just that
she's the type of girl

who seems to be
more at home out,

and I promised her
an evening out.

Of course, I'd be okay
if you set her up with me.

Hi, Gwendolyn?

Yeah, this is Charles.

Yeah, I was looking forward
to seeing you, too,

but the people I work for
have to go out tonight

and the children
need me, Gwendolyn.

They need me,
and I'm sure the last thing

you want to do is spend...

A quiet evening at home is
just what you'd like to spend?

Yes.

Uh, yes.

Uh, 10 Barrington Court.

Eight o'clock.

Gwendolyn, Gwendolyn?

She hung up!

She...she's coming over here!

Good, then
everything's under control.

Good.

Then everything's under control.

Trust me, Douglas, I don't
care what Carl Sagan says.

Soccer is the future.

I'll trade you my hamburger
for your peas and carrots.

Why?

Because peas and carrots
are living energy

from the Earth.

And a hamburger
is the charred remains

of a slaughtered animal carcass.

Well, that grosses
me out for the evening.

You called my dinner dead meat?

No, dead meat is you guys
if you ruin my night tonight.

Look, I'm having
a friend over, okay?

And she's a lady.

-What?
-Female carbon unit.

She's not coming over here
to talk about sports, Jason,

all right?

And she's definitely
not coming here

to talk Dungeons and Dragons.

Then why is she
coming over here?

Eat your carcass.

-Caveman!
-Space mutant!

Wildebeest!

Adopted!

Charles!

You weren't adopted!

Then they made a mistake
at the hospital,

or he's a test tube baby.

One day, I'll figure it out.

Okay, I want you guys
on your best behavior tonight.

Any questions?

Yeah, Mom,
when Douglas was born,

was the circus is town?

Okay, I want you guys
on your best behavior tonight.

Any questions?

Yeah, Dad, when you and Mom
were planning Douglas,

what exactly
did you have in mind?

Jason, no questions
at the table.

Lila, no playing with
your food at the table.

Douglas...

Hi, Douglas.

Writing "Alexander Morgan" in my
mashed potatoes is not playing.

It's worship.

Who's Alexander Morgan?

Alexander Morgan is only
the class president--

Best athlete,
fabulous-looking,

most excellent boy
in the eighth grade.

I hate his kind.

And if things work out,
I'll be popular.

I'll be powerful.

I'll be like Eleanor Roosevelt,

only gorgeous.

Alexander is coming over tonight

so Lila can help him
with his homework.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Charles, I'm 35 years old.

I'm probably not gonna have
another little girl.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

You're telling me
that even if this guy

looks at her wrong,
you'd like me

to break his legs.

Would you do that
for me, Charles?

Yes, sir.

Jill, Charles is turning out
to be a very good idea.

Well, don't let me
interrupt your dinner.

No, not at all.

As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna be sending out

for some Chinese food.

Charles is having company, too.

Gwendolyn Pierce.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Charles, I'm 35 years old.

I'm not your father,
but you've been with us

how long, three months?

I feel I can talk to you.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

You're telling me
there are young,

impressionable children here
and I should be careful.

No, I'm telling you
to be careful because

you're a nice young man
with your whole life

in front of you
and the last thing

you want to hear right now is--

Honey, I'm late.

I think that about
says it all, Charles.

[doorbell]

Douglas, Douglas,
what are you doing?

k*lling Martians.

k*lling Mar--

well, how many
do you have to k*ll?

All of 'em.

And how long will that take?

I've dedicated the rest
of my life to it.

Douglas, you wanna see
how to do it real fast?

How?

That did not k*ll them, Charles.

That only made them very mad.

[doorbell]

Okay.

Calm, calmness.

She is just a girl
and I am a mature adult

who will not be reduced
to a simpering fool.

Hi, hello, hi.

Simple as that.

Hello, Charles.

Hi, hello, hi,
simple as that.

I brought us some dessert.

I hope you like it.

I wasn't sure what we
were having for dinner.

Uh, Chinese.

I was...I was just
speaking Chinese.

Oh, well, I love Chinese food.

And you speak the language.

Hello, hi.

Well, I bet that restaurant
was really impressed with you.

Okay, that's 15 seconds
and she's still here.

And she's not going
anywhere either

because I have her coat.

There are children in the house.

There are children in the house.

-Charles.
-What?

Just tell me,
is there any chance

that any of the girls
in my school are gonna look

like that?

Jason, all girls
are beautiful in their own way.

No.

You know, Charles,
this is a beautiful place.

I think I'd like
to live in a house

like this someday.

Oh, yeah, me too.

I mean, I do now,
but I don't own it.

You see, I'd like
to own it living in it

and if I do someday, stop it!

To a memorable evening?

To self control.

[doorbell]

Oh, the food!

Excuse me.

Hi, how much do I owe you?

Hi, how much
do you wanna give me?

Alexander Morgan.

Does that mean
I don't get any money?

Lila!

I'll be right down!

Come on in.

Look, I'm sorry, pal, how much?





You order four dishes.

No, no, no,
I ordered two dishes.

Is there something
wrong, Charles?

Oh, no, no, just a little
misunderstanding, that's all.

Oh, well, why don't you
explain it to him in Chinese?

I order two dishes!

Hey, look, pal,
I'm just trying

to make a living,
so don't hassle me.

Comprende?

Oh, I see our dinner's arrived.

Lila?

Lila?

"Rira"?

Couldn't resist.

I can't afford $28 for food.

I'll type up
your next term paper.

Deal.

Come on, Alex,
we'll study in my room.

Hey, you will not!

You'll study down here
in the living room.

Can't, the books are in my room.

Wait, Lila, what do
you mean the books--

Charles, we'll study
in the living room.

No, I can't, Gwendolyn--

We'll study chicken lo mein
by the firelight.

Lila, Lila!

Lila, I want you down here!

Charles, come and
get it while it's hot.

The rebels are taken.

Mars is mine!

It's possible
I am losing control.

♪

Charles, you haven't been paying

very much attention
to me this evening.

-I'm sorry, Gwendolyn.
-Oh, don't be.

This has never
happened to me before.

I am beginning to feel
refreshingly insecure.

Now, Charles, what's
going on up there?

She's got a guy
alone in her room,

that's what's going on up there!

We've got a girl
alone down here.

You're even.

You don't seem
to understand, Gwendolyn.

I am being paid
to break his legs.

Lila, I want that door open now!

We're busy in here!

Lila, what are you busy doing?

The door's unlocked,
you can come upstairs and see.

But if you do, you'll
betray my confidence

and I'll hate you forever.

Or you could go back downstairs
with your date where you belong

and I'll continue
to have my tiny crush on you.

Your move.

I'm dead.

Because on the one hand,
if I barge in and represent

the adult, and then
I relinquish my own hold

on childhood to become
the authority figure, right?

Then once that happens,
I'll start to get old.

I'll become preoccupied
with income tax.

I'll listen to all news
stations on the car radio.

But, on the other hand--

But on the other hand,
you have a date who wonders

why you're talking to a closet.

Hello, hi.

-Jason Pembroke.
-Gwendolyn Pierce.

I'll say.

You know, I have
a little brother

just like you.

Oh, Charles, you know what?

I think this is the first time

I've felt homesick
since I've been at school.

Jason, you're making
the girl sick, get outta here.

Charles, you know
what we should do?

What we should do
is listen to me tell you

how your blue eyes
shine by the firelight.

Well, I could talk
about your eyes

for the rest of
our natural lives.

Oh, no, you couldn't.

Look, lady, he spent 40 minutes

just standing in front
of the mirror for you.

You owe him!

Oh, boy.

Charles.

Jason, I want you to sit outside

Lila's bedroom door and tell me

what happens every
five minutes, you got that?

Make that 10 minutes.

You mean you want me
to spy on my own sister?

Yes.

Thanks, Charles!


Not even close.

Fifth power?

Oh, Lila, I can't really
concentrate with the music.

Don't you like this song?

I think it's very romantic.

Why does two have to equal x?

Why do numbers have
to equal letters?

I never hurt anybody.

X=-12 squared, cubed,
a million percent.

Will you forget x?

You're having
a nervous breakdown.

X isn't gonna help you in life
unless you're playing Scrabble

and it's only 8 points.

[gasps]

You kissed me!

Yeah, you kissed me back.

Oh, friendly, I kissed
you friendly Charles.

You meant your kiss.

Well, yeah, I meant my kiss.

I always mean my kiss.

Well, except for the aunt
I had that didn't believe

in electrolysis,
but she's dead now.

I've always felt
badly about that.

Yeah, well, you really
had me going, didn't you?

With all your charm
and your modesty

and this cute little
house of yours, huh?

You probably rented the kids
just to throw me off guard,

didn't you?

Gwendolyn, what is it?

Was it a bad kiss?

You can tell me, I'm not proud.

I've got one kiss,
if it's no good, teach me.

Here, use my face.

Thank you.

Early evening, huh, Charles?

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll be invading Venus.

There's nothing wrong
with the way you kiss,

that is beside the point.

A planet.

A whole planet, gone.

Point is, Charles,
is that every creep

I go out with tries
and I can't stand it anymore.

And, you know, I wanted
to come over here tonight

because you seem different.

You seem sincere.

Do not call me sincere, okay!

Everybody calls me sincere.

And you don't
know me long enough

to call me sincere.

Well, I happen to think
it is a very attractive

part of you.

And I've head all about
you, too, you know?

Gwendolyn Pierce, the beautiful,

and Gwendolyn Pierce,
the superb.

And the only reason
I didn't want you

to come over here tonight
is because a lot of times,

I'm not exactly sure
how sincere I am.

Yeah, well, a lot of times,
I'm not exactly sure

how Gwendolyn Pierce
I am either.

What do you mean?

I mean, I've heard all
about me, too, Charles,

and sometimes I don't even
want to be Gwendolyn Pierce.

Well, somebody has to.

Charles.

Tell me what's going
on up there, Jason,

and make it fast.

Okay, the last
thing he said was,

"Come on, Lila, you know
why I came here tonight.

Why are you playing
games with me?"

Fine, Jason,
good job, thank you.

Look, Gwendolyn,
the point I am...

Look, Lila, I can get this
from somebody else, you know?

So, if I'm wasting my time here,
tell me and I'll leave.

Then leave, you don't
need him for a boy--

--friend.

Boyfriend?

Thank you, Charles.

[sighs]

-Charles?
-What?

Is this what happens when
boys start talking to girls?

I didn't know she felt
that way about me.

Of course...aren't you
the most excellent boy

in the eighth grade?

Yeah, it's a curse.

What?

Sure, the girls in class
made me popular,

but they're more
comfortable talking about me

than talking to me.

I'm not a person,
I'm a contest.

He actually wanted
to do homework.

He came into my house,
we were alone in my room.

That's what he
actually wanted to do.

Guess this never
happens to you, huh?

No, no, I don't get
many calls for homework.

-I wish I did.
-How come?

Because then, that
would mean I was respected

as a thinking person.

That so important?

Only when you're not.

But he's Alexander Morgan.

I'm supposed to think of him
as the most excellent--

No, you're not.

I have to tell you something.

You know, I have been
under pressure all day

because you weren't
a person, you know?

You were a name and a sigh.

"Ooh, look, there goes
Gwendolyn Pierce."

[sigh]

But you have to
understand something,

that once you walked through
that door, I watched you

and I listened to you!

And then, you became real.

And it wasn't
Gwendolyn Pierce I kissed,

it was you, because I like you.

And just because you happen
to be Gwendolyn Pierce

isn't gonna stop me
from kissing you again.

You really mean all that?

Sincerely.

X = you and I should
go for ice cream.

Good answer.

Lila.

Your father is 35 years old,
it's a quarter after nine,

and he's probably not
gonna have any more daughters.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

You telling me it's
too late to go out?

No, I'm just telling you
that Gwendolyn and I

have to come along with ya.

[both chanting "Ice cream"]

Girls can wait.

Hey, where's everybody--

Ice cream!

Nice meeting you.

--going?

Care to join us?

Yeah, that sounds like a--

We'll pass and take
your time Charles.

I'm not worried as long
as you're in charge.

Thank you, sir.

Goodnight.

The house is empty, Jill.

There's nobody home.

Do you understand
what I'm telling you?

Yeah, you're telling me--

There are no
children in the house.

Charles is turning out
to be a very, very good idea.

I can't help it.

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

♪ And I sing ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪