I could be so good for you.
Love you like you want me to.
I could be so good for you.
Love you like you want me to.
Taxis.
He has been trying to overtake you for the
last two miles.
Yeah, that's the trouble with everyone
today, Terry.
Hurtling about all over the place.
What is this life if full of care?
We ain't got time to stand and stare.
A little something I picked up in my
leisure time reading.
Is that leisure like in time spent not
working?
Yeah, of course.
Like me at the moment, innit?
Yeah.
Yeah, and what am I doing on my day off?
Helping you move a load of old bangers all
round your car lot.
Punters lose confidence
if every day they go
by the vehicle's in exactly the same spot.
Yeah, with trees growing out the bonnet.
It'll take an hour.
What is happening?
Looks like your motors are getting moved
quicker than you thought so.
Right,
you sort them out and dial 999.
Why do I always get the soft jobs,
Hang about, hang about.
What's going on here?
Don't stand chatting, hit him.
Oi, what's going on?
Would you be Mr Arthur Dealey,
proprietor?
I would.
Will you tell him to stop waving that car
about?
That's very nearly a vintage vehicle.
Stop!
My name's McIntyre.
Yeah?
What's the matter?
No cars left to steal in Scotland?
I am an officer of the High Sheriff of
Greater London.
High Sheriff of Greater London?
What are you doing, sorting out all the
cowboy car dealers?
I don't care if you're Wyatt Earp.
You cannot come on my property and start
making the cars fly about.
Bring it back down!
Take it away!
Terry, get up there and hit that driver.
If I do that, your lot will have two tonnes
of near vintage spread all over the place.
You'll also be served with a writ and
charged with assaulting council employees.
Council?
That's right.
Look, will you stop that maniac?
And tell me what this is all about.
You have been compulsory purchased.
Compulsory purchased?
This is a notice to enter and this is a
notice to treat.
Notice to treat?
Look, what are you talking about?
Look, I'm a reasonable man, Mr Dale.
Yeah, I can see that.
No sooner is my back turned than you're
snatching my cars up in the air.
I'd hate to see you turn nasty.
I will postpone clearance
of this site until you go to
the town hall and they
explain the situation to you.
Fair enough?
Fair enough.
Heads are gonna roll.
Come on, Terence, town hall.
No, no, hold on, hold on.
It's my day off, innit?
What?
Well, I said I'd come and help you move a
few cars, right?
Well, now the nice men from the council
are doing it, aren't they?
Cool, look at the rust on that,
Well...
Terry!
You looking for someone?
I'm looking for Terry McCann.
You found him.
Morrison.
Hey!
Hey!
You can't park there.
I see.
Are you another in a private junkyard?
I'm not running this borough, then.
That's the mayor's parking space.
Listen, I put the mayor in, I can put the
mayor out.
Now, what I want from you is, where is the
planning department?
Legal section.
You'll have to ask about that inside.
Right.
Well, what do you want?
I told you, outside.
And I told you outside you cannot park in
the mayor's car space.
Well, the sooner I get my business
attended to here, the sooner the mayor can
park his bought-in Britain Mercedes in his
car space.
Yeah.
You can tell the police
that there's another ill*gal
immigrant in the mayor's
car space, will you?
Or you might as well get them to check the
number plate, too.
It could be stolen.
Now, sir, which department did you want?
I told you, outside.
My name is Arthur Daly, with an E.
My name is Cook, with an E.
Can I help you, Mr. Daly?
Yes, you can, Mr. Cook.
Have the Russians taken over?
I beg your pardon?
Have they taken over the town hall?
Has someone decided the day on a private
business man is over, or are we all going
to end up on a chain g*ng finishing the
M25?
I take it you have
called about the council's
compulsory purchase
order on your car lot?
Got it in one.
On the 14th of August last, you were sent,
by recorded delivery, pursuant to the.
Local Government Miscellaneous Properties
Act, Section 16, the regulatory letter
advising of this council's wish to
purchase the said property.
I was?
You were.
You were also sent Form MR36 and Form 27B.
You failed to reply.
Yeah, but if you sent
them recorded delivery,
I probably thought they
were parking tickets.
And further take notice that in the event
of your failure to give the information
requested within the time
specified... Is he a recording?
Or knowingly making any misstatement in
respect of such information, you will be
liable on summary conviction to a fine not
exceeding £400.
Well, that's a bit out of order.
I mean, a dog might have eaten them.
You were sent the same forms a further two
times.
Advertisements were also placed in the
local press on two separate occasions.
Doubtless your dog ate the newspaper.
I'm making a very careful mental note of
your attitude.
Excellent.
You were sent a further Section
you have been sent a notice
to treat and a notice to enter.
Of course, you are entitled to adequate
and fair compensation for the land which
we've purchased from you.
No, that is a very valuable commercial
site.
I would put its value at a quarter of a
million pounds.
The Council value it at £15,000.
This is nice, isn't it?
I obeyed a call of my Prime
Minister, put my back to
the wall, my nose to the
grindstone, and what do you do?
Nick my car lot?
I demand to see my local councillor.
You can't.
Why not?
He's dead.
Dead?
That's no excuse.
He should have dealt with his first.
As I recall, he did.
It was his suggestion.
Ironic, really.
Why?
We're going to build a mortuary on your
car lot.
You mean he was actually pulling the
motors off of the lot?
Not exactly pulling them, but more like
making them fly.
There you go, now, all right.
And here he is, the Birdman of West
London.
I'll never doubt you again.
My outrage sensibilities are in need of a
double, Dave.
Right.
You all said that motor went like a bird,
didn't you?
Well, seeing is believing.
Don't you worry about that sheriff, Terry.
I'll soon settle his nonsense.
sh**t out at the half a daily car lot,
That'll be £1.80.
No, Dave.
I'm going to make the ultimate sacrifice.
You're not going to settle your slate,
are you?
No, I am not, Dave.
Now, in these dark and difficult times,
I'm going to answer the call.
Ask not what your borough can do for you,
Terry.
What can you do for your borough?
Do what?
You are talking to the independent candidate
in the forthcoming council by-election.
Cool.
Now, have you just signed this nomination
form, Dave?
Hold on, hold on.
How much is this going to cost us?
No, no, no.
I just need ten signatures
of people who live
in this ward, then I can stand officially.
Does this mean that if you get voted in,
you'll be our local councillor?
That's right, Dave.
Now, what are you going to do about my
drawings?
They're done half pen and ink.
In the fullness of time, Dave.
In the fullness of time.
You're just doing this to
get back at them for putting
that compulsory purchase
order on your car lot, aren't you?
You could say that, Terry.
I'm collecting signatures for the return
of capital punishment.
Capital punishment?
What about the birch?
That as well.
Lovely.
Thank you.
Now, remember, vote for Arthur Daly,
your independent law and order candidate.
Thank you.
Arthur?
Oi.
You don't know anything about politics.
That is not the requirement.
All I need is ten signatures.
Go on, get that drink down, yeah?
We've got to get this back to the town
hall and get it duly registered.
I don't know.
I'm on holiday, remember?
Terry, this is no time to lounge around in
Winchester.
Your country needs you.
Hello, love.
What?
What do you want?
Gin and tonic, please.
Dave?
Arthur, this is Julie.
Hello.
Well, let's just have a quick drink and
then sh**t out and have something to eat?
Great.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
Your place is at my side.
I'm working.
On what?
Well, he's going to be working with me,
Mr. Daly.
No, no, no, no, no.
We'll talk about this later.
Well, there you go.
One Vera and philharmonic.
Sorry?
Gin and tonic.
I told you the last time.
You can't park here.
Can't?
You say can't to the man who's going to
drag this borough into the 20th century?
Just who are you?
You may well ask.
I only hope for your sake you are a member
of a very powerful trade union.
Otherwise, in a few weeks' time, you're
going to find yourself on a zebra crossing.
Without a lollipop.
There are going to be some changes made.
The days of wine and roses are over.
I have come to present myself at the bar
of public opinion.
I hereby declare my
intention to stand as an
independent candidate in
the impending w*r by-election.
I hereby declare that I know
of no cause nor impediment that
would debar me from standing
as a duly elected candidate.
You've got the wrong department, mate.
This is health and sanitation.
You want room 453.
Bloody commissioner, I'll have him.
Who's got Mrs. Bunn, the baker's wife?
Are you a British subject?
King and country, Mr. Wilkins.
I was under the impression we had a queen.
That too.
It is because I believe that an Englishman's
home is his castle that I am standing.
I see.
And have we got a CPO in your castle as
well as your car lot?
That is a figure of speech.
Criminal record.
Do I need one to stand for counsellor?
A moot point.
Any person who has served
a prison sentence of three
months or more in the past
five years is disqualified.
You need have no fear on that score.
Well, everything seems to be in order.
A small piece of advice.
Yes?
You are standing for this ward.
I see that your permanent address is
outside the ward.
It is an established fact
that candidates who actually
live in the ward they seek
to represent poll more votes.
Well, there is something I have neglected
to tell you.
My God.
You had your locks changed.
My key wouldn't have fit.
It was locked from the inside, wasn't it?
I'm on holiday, remember?
Should have had a Do Not Disturb sign up
there and all.
Well, never mind about all that.
We've got work to do.
No, no, no, we haven't.
No, I'm keeping.
Any drink about the place?
Hemlock?
No, no, too much caffeine in it, Terry.
You should worry about your insides.
I'll have a cup of tea.
My plans to stand for local council are a
bit of a slight snag.
Her indoors object, did she?
No, on the contrary, she's delighted.
She sees it as the first step on the way
to the House of Commons.
That's one way of looking at it, isn't it?
Yeah.
Are you going somewhere?
No, no.
What have you got for Casey's for then?
Well, yeah, I am going somewhere in a
manner of speaking.
Just for a short time, you understand.
Until I get elected.
Where?
Here.
Where?
Yeah.
Do what?
Yeah, residential qualifications.
See, I have to live in the ward that I
wish to represent.
Hang about, Arthur.
I'm not sharing my place with you.
Listen, Willett.
That front door is the only bit of safety
I've got.
When I lock that, I lock you and all the
aggravation on the outside.
Terry, it is only until the election.
The moment the result is cleared,
I'll be off back home.
Arthur, I don't want you here c*ck up
my life.
Terry, you live in this ward.
I do not.
Either I move in with you
till the election, or... Or what?
What?
You move in with her indoors.
No, Arthur, no.
Terence, it's less than three weeks.
The time will fly by.
It always does when you're enjoying
yourself.
You know that.
We make this the daily HQ.
We won't.
Campaign headquarters, posters on the
wall.
Have you gone crackers or something?
Campaign colours, election addresses.
All that will have to come down for a
start.
Well, get off.
Leave it alone.
Armies of volunteers.
Arthur!
Arthur!
And this will be my inner sanctum.
My operations room.
We can get the phone put through.
Terry!
This has got to stop.
It hasn't even started yet.
Get it out.
Get it out.
Get it out.
I'm sorry about this, love.
Listen, I've got an idea.
Why don't I move out completely,
keep myself available for you in the
daytime, and I'll sleep on a bench or
something?
That's very thoughtful of you, Terry.
I knew you'd understand.
I understand all right.
But you see, it's a question of guilt by
association.
I mean, if the press got hold of this,
my name would be mud.
Yeah?
I mean, I can't go storming all over the
borough demanding a clean-up campaign when
there's naked ladies sprawled all over me
HQ.
Why don't you tell Arthur what you do for
a living?
I'm a reporter.
My God!
Terry?
Terry!
Hello.
Yeah, this is Arthur Daly.
Platform?
What platform?
I travel by car.
Press.
Political platform, yes.
I'm hoping to issue a statement within the
next few days.
I hope I can rely on your vote.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
I feel a bird doing this.
Don't worry, Terry.
We'll only use a couple of the best action
shots.
Just keep working through the routine.
Forget about Tom.
It's easier said than done, isn't it?
You gone mad?
Do what?
My political career's in
the balance and you're
pointing a round at some bird in the gym.
I told you last night she's doing a series
of articles for her paper.
And one of them's on me.
Lovely.
The nearly men.
I mean, it's not enough they've got bingo
bums and bristles.
We're now gonna have an early morning jog
down memory lane.
Yeah, well, it's better than reading about
the vice-tens of Penge, innit?
Penge?
What do you mean, Stretton?
Give us your gloves on.
Cheers.
Where you going?
Over here.
Come on, do something useful.
Hold this bag for us.
She's exploiting you, Terry.
You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?
Leave it out.
I've been like a godfather to you.
And at the end of the day, you won't see a
bird without a penny for it.
No?
It's funny?
She's already given me 200 quid.
She what?
Arthur Daly?
Yes, we've had the slide rule run over
him.
What are two interesting vulnerabilities
we might be able to exploit?
Really?
Like what?
Well, for a man running
on the law and order
issue, he steers pretty close to the wind.
Does he now?
Anything specific?
Well, there's the used car lot we put the
CPO on.
Might be a few dodgy MOTs there.
I think we could buy him off if we agreed
to drop the CPO.
It's worth a try.
But there might be no need.
I gather our Mr Daly's a bit of an
entrepreneur.
He dabbles in buying and selling.
Receiving?
Well, I'd say it's worth talking to our
friends in blue.
No, well, when you're
in a ring, you see, you
don't think so much
about not getting hurt.
It's more about hurting the other bloke.
Mind you, it's nothing personal,
you know.
Hello?
Is that Julie?
Dave here, Winchester Club.
Is Arthur there?
Will you give him a message?
In the last five years... I need somebody
to get me going, somebody to wind them up.
In the last five years...
I know.
I have a dream!
How's that sound?
Familiar.
Well, Martin Luther King said that,
didn't he?
Did he?
Got shot.
Yeah, but that was in America, wasn't it?
Point one.
There has been a rise in the cost of
living in relation to inflation of twelve
and a half percent.
And wages have not kept pace.
Mine haven't, that's for certain.
Listen, what are you mugging up on all
that for?
I mean, punters round here don't want to
know about that, do they?
Terry, never underestimate the stupidity
of your average punter.
I mean, look at Harold Wilson.
He was always rabbiting on about the pound
in your pocket.
And he was prime minister.
He didn't go around in poxy black and
white rosettes, did he?
Terry, I've told you.
The colour is symbolic.
Black and white.
The unification of the races.
I come to you as a man of integration.
That's really symbolic, that, isn't it?
Terry!
I bought the job lot after the 1953 cup
final.
I think you must have bought these
chocolates at the same time, haven't you?
Why do you leave things alone?
I'm hoping to shift those in the near
future.
Cool.
Good luck.
Point two.
There has been a per cap it a increase in
the rates of 120% over the last five years.
For a coffee?
Po...
Yeah.
You get the local councils you vote for.
This is Arthur Daly.
Your independent candidate.
Your law and order representative.
Why, the bloody bums tell him.
Of course.
Don't...
Miserable sods.
I can't see a single one of my posters
anywhere.
After I went all the bother of borrowing
this van, too.
Psst!
What do you mean, psst?
The microphone!
What about it?
What about it?
It's still on!
You look, pull over, Terry, pull over.
We go on the knocker.
That'll take me back a few years.
Good area for rag and bones, was it?
Don't forget your clipboard.
No.
And your pamphlets.
Just keep driving around slowly.
Their van's covered in black and white
ribbons.
Wedding and a funeral, is it?
Good afternoon, madam.
Allow me to introduce myself.
Arthur Daly, your independent candidate.
Sorry, we're all Church of England.
Thank you for your support.
Maybe you should try that stuff about a
dream again.
No.
Hey, come on, come on, this way.
This way?
Here, look.
I saw Michael Essing try and do this.
Very good.
Good afternoon, sir.
Arthur Daly, your independent candidate in
the forthcoming ward election.
I trust I can rely on your vote?
Just a minute.
That's more like it, Terry.
Pay attention, you might learn a thing or
two.
What did you say your name was?
Daly, Arthur Daly, your independent
candidate.
I see.
Can I have your address?
All in the leaflet, sir.
And can I rely on your vote?
No.
I just wanted to know
where to send the bill for
the damage you've just
done to my bloody hedge.
I think they must be in the reception bar
now.
Look, just keep driving, will you?
Look, stop!
Go on, now!
Out of it!
All right.
Out!
All right!
Poor behaviour.
Thank goodness I found you.
Hello.
You're all mad.
You're all mad.
I mean, who in their right mind would want
to represent this lot?
You'd be surprised.
Why are the local council mafia ganging up
on Arthur?
Because they feel threatened, my son.
They recognise my potential.
Let's have a drink.
What they recognise is the importance of
this ward.
I did some research after I spoke to Dave.
And?
And this ward holds the balance of power
for the entire borough.
The balance of power?
Your council is split right down the
middle.
plus this one.
If you were to win,
your vote in the council
would decide which of
the major parties ruled.
Terry, I think I know how them early
settlers felt in Texas when they struck oil.
Do what?
Your friend has just realised he's sitting
on a gold mine.
Just think of the little favours the two
parties will do him if he wins.
A little planning consent here.
A little contract there.
No, no.
And you judge me too harshly, my dear.
I will not deny those thoughts did go
through my head.
But think of the good I can do.
Who for?
Everyone.
The whole borough.
Put an end to their cabals.
Petty party politics.
I shall be the voice of sanity.
The man on the Clapham Omnibus.
No, no, no.
On the local tube.
Hold on.
You've got to get in first, haven't you?
And we're fighting professionals.
So?
I take the leaf out of the French Royal
Families book.
What did they give the starving people to
eat?
Snails.
Cake, my son.
Cake.
And what was good enough for Mary
Antoinette was good enough for me.
And look what happened to her.
What?
Chin up.
With the greatest respect, sir,
I do know my local villains.
The notion that Arthur Daly is a big shot.
A big time fence.
He's risible.
Yes, I appreciate that all tip-offs have
to be investigated, but Arthur Daly...
Very good, sir.
Leave it with me.
Apparently West End
Central have received
information from what they
term an excellent source.
On Daly?
They've got him in the first division of
dual fencing.
You wouldn't make this
the only... Well, I know that.
You know that.
So when we turn Daly over, West End
Central will know that as well.
Won't they?
Testing, testing, testing.
I must have a word with Arnie about this
Duffy equipment, Terry.
Are you sure this is going to work?
Yes, of course.
I've rethought my entire campaign
strategy.
I feel like Rommel before the Battle of
Waterloo.
You mean Wellington.
Battle of Wellington.
Whatever.
The word's gone down the line.
The boys in blue will be paying a visit in
the near future.
Think they'll find anything?
What do you think?
Well, I regard it rather as a fishing
expedition.
At least it'll ensure our
law and order candidate
maximum embarrassment
in the middle of his campaign.
I think we ought to
ensure that our wonderful
police force receives maximum publicity.
I've got an idea.
I'm always happy to talk to the press,
Mr Lent.
An in-depth profile on election day would
certainly help to get my message across.
Any luck, Julie?
You've got my P.A.
You can have the church hall on the 27th.
Excellent.
Book it.
It's going to cost £250.
£250?
I'm running a political rally,
not an antique auction.
Finding the going tough, are we?
Not as tough as the opposition.
Book it, Julie.
This seat you're fighting is, of course,
a marginal.
It is at the moment.
But after the election, it will be a safe
seat for independents in this borough.
Can I quote you on that?
Certainly.
For a man brimming with confidence, you
don't appear to have a very big backup staff.
He's got enough backup.
You're Terry McCann, aren't you?
That's right.
Saw you fight once.
Story of my life, innit?
They all saw me fight once.
No, you were good.
What happened?
More tea, Mr Lent.
Got anything strong?
Julie, you'll find some whiskey in the
entertainment and reception area.
That's the kitchen.
Now, Mr Daly, about your polishes.
Yes.
What about them?
What are they?
It's all in my, er, election pamphlet.
No, no, no.
That's the usual stuff about the need for
a more efficient spending policy.
Lower rent, lower rate.
All the parties say that now.
Why should the voter single you out,
What makes you...
special?
Why don't I just bring you the bottle?
What a good idea.
What makes him special is that he's
independent, see?
He don't have to answer to the tow rags
who run this borough.
Thank you very much, Terry.
That is off the record, Mr Lent.
What Terence means is I am my own man.
I am not going to take
any three-line whipping
from people to make
me vote for their policies.
Law and order is your speciality, isn't it?
Correct.
And I think I can honestly
say that I shall bring
unrivaled knowledge of the
problems of law and order...
to the council chamber.
Arthur Daly, your independent candidate
for St Mary's ward.
What's the chocolates for?
Well, you can eat them while you're
reading his election address.
That's nice.
Now, tell me, my dear,
have you any complaints
about the way the
council run in this borough?
Me bathroom's got a leak.
Been trying to get it fixed for months.
Terence, make a note.
Mrs Johnstone needs her bathroom fixing.
That will be attended to during my first
week in office.
Really?
Me husband will be pleased.
What was the name again?
Daly.
Arthur Daly.
Don't forget, tell your neighbour,
vote Daly.
I will.
Thanks for the chocolates.
Cheers.
How are we doing?
Well, so far, you've promised to unblock
repair 4 roofs...
and allow 19 Australians to stay here
indefinitely.
What's all that about?
That cop was nicking my chocolates.
You told me they were straight.
They was.
You know what this is, don't you?
This is political chicanery on the part of
my rivals.
Park this under cover.
Excuse me, young man.
What is happening?
Mr Chisholm, what are you doing here?
Shopping.
Wife instructed me to look for some
chocolates.
That is a diabolical liberty.
So are these.
Political persecution, that's what this is.
I've never heard it called that before.
A raid, yes.
A swoop.
Turning over someone's drum, maybe.
Got receipts for all these chocolates,
of course.
It was a cash transaction.
Well, it's the only way to beat the
Japanese competition these days.
What do you want?
Who are you?
Lent.
West London Gazette.
You're a bit quick off the mark,
aren't you?
How did you get wind of this?
Just a coincidence.
Rubbish.
I recently interviewed Mr Daly.
I wanted to check a few details.
Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to
borrow him for a while, Mr Lent.
Are you arresting him?
What are the charges?
Hey, look, you be careful what you write.
No charges at this stage, Mr Daly.
And Mr McCann are merely helping us with
our inquiries, aren't you?
Are we?
Yes, you are.
And in order to show how reasonable I am,
I'm going to take you down to the station
in one of our nice big cars with the
flashing blue lights.
Chocolate anywhere?
Thank you.
When I get elected, I'm going to get
myself on the police committee.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And I'll have that Detective Sergeant
Chisholm just where I want him.
In the meantime, how are we going to get
out of here?
I don't know.
What was the sum total of our raid on
Daly's locker?
Four grounds of black and white facades
with the slogan Bolting Wonders for the Cap.
Paul?
No, no, I've seen better on Page Three.
Six dozen musical monkeys that play
Scotland the Brave.
Now, he's got receipts for those.
You mean he actually bought six dozen
musical monkeys that play Scotland the Brave?
Aye.
Did we rip any open?
Aye, we did.
No diamonds.
Anything else?
Various assorted rubbish.
And finally, nearly 800 boxes of
chocolates.
So much for West End Central.
Jewel fence.
Arthur Daly wouldn't recognize the going
on if it jumped up and bit him.
Aye.
But what are we going to do about him and
McCann?
I don't know.
I'll think of something.
Let him sweat for a bit.
I'll take a look at him.
Hello, Dave?
It's Julie, Terry's friend.
Well, the word is they've been nicked by
Chisholm.
No, no, you wouldn't.
He's one of our local black spots
masquerading as a police officer.
You been over to Amsterdam late?
Do what?
You heard Mr. Chisholm.
Do we need Pinocchio in here?
If you're trying to wind me up,
McCann, you are succeeding.
Why are we being held?
Well, because I find you invigorating
company.
Now, shut it.
Well, have you been over to Amsterdam
lately?
No, I haven't.
What about Hamburg?
Well, it's very interesting
hearing about your
holidays, but I've got better things to do.
Terry, sit down.
There's a good lad.
Look, Mr Chisholm, I haven't
been abroad since the summer
when I took Erlin Dawes to
Tomar Alina's for a holiday.
Look, while we're sitting here chatting,
my political destiny awaits, you know.
Time and time I wait for no man.
I've got a rally to address.
What is he rabbiting about?
He's fighting the local borough election.
You what?
Standing as an independent on the issue of
law and order.
Law and order?
One of the most dishonest people in my
manor.
He's got the barefaced audacity to
state...
Law and order?
I bet you I'll have to get on the police
committee to sort me out.
Thought never ended in my mind,
Mr Chisholm.
But if I can help, I'll be happy to oblige.
Look, I've got a following out there,
you know.
I'm supposed to be at St Stephen's church
hall.
How is the uncut diamond business these
days?
He's cracking up, isn't he?
Must be male menopause.
Are you holding Arthur Daly and Terry
McCann?
Look, I know nothing about diamonds,
rubies, pearls, any precious stones.
I mean, do I look like a man who buys
Oogie Tom?
Well, frankly, no.
But I am acting upon information received.
You snout sold your pig in a poke,
didn't he?
Now, listen.
Yes?
Right, now, I will come out and tell her
where to get off.
Proper little star, aren't we?
Another reporter anxious for your golden
words.
Make a note of any conversation.
I've already told your colleague, miss, I
have no statement to make at this stage.
Firstly, you haven't been speaking to any
colleague of mine.
Secondly, I don't care a stuff what you
want to say.
And thirdly, if you don't release Daly and
McCann or give me a very good reason why
you're holding them, I'll get your name
splashed right across the front page.
Of the local rag?
I think you're overestimating the power of
the press.
Not the local rag.
I work in Fleet Street.
Here's my card.
Now, at the moment, I'm convinced you are
wrongfully and illegally holding those two.
That is the way my story will run, unless,
of course, you can persuade me differently.
Would you care to see them?
Thank you.
Second door on the left.
Could you get me this number and put it
through to my office?
Is it all right to talk?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
I'll get it.
He's Welsh.
I've threatened Chisholm with a story on
your wrongful arrest.
What, in your local rag?
My God.
She's trying to help you.
Yeah, I can see that.
Me on the front page alongside Vickers
who've taken a lorry ride to shame.
That's all I need for my political career,
isn't it?
Listen, you, if she doesn't
get us out in time for this
meeting tonight, you won't
have any political career.
You're supposed to be at that church hall
in half an hour.
Right.
Just checking.
Thank you.
On the one hand, we have the
big white chief from West End.
Central who wants me to
transform Arthur Daly into raffles.
On the other, we have an
investigative journalist who
wants to serve me up on a
plate to 13 million readers.
I would say that you are on the proverbial
horn.
The proverbial dilemma, go.
I've just had a word with your editor.
He seems a nice chap.
He is.
Till he gets angry.
Of course.
Well, you are free to go.
Leave the sign and all.
I'm afraid I have further questions to put
to you.
Do what?
Hold on, what about his political meeting
tonight?
I am, of course, aware of the importance
of that.
I'm sure, Miss Waters, you
and your editor would agree that
criminal investigation must
come before political interest.
Very clever.
Thank you.
Terry, Julie, you can't leave me here.
I'm afraid they can and must, Mr Daly.
You heard that?
He called me Mr. If any false
confessions are beaten out
of me, you are to inform the
world of my present condition.
I think you must understand,
Miss Waters, Mr Daly
does suffer from mild
paranoia from time to time.
You are well out of order, Chisholm.
Yeah, but why are you holding him?
To assist us with our inquiries.
Being so strong on law and order,
you want to assist us, don't you?
I wish to attend a political rally.
I need to be present to answer their
questions.
You've finished answering my questions.
You might get around to answering theirs.
OK.
I think I'd rather be back at the nick.
Relax, Terry.
It'll be all right.
It'll be all right?
What happens if you don't show up?
Yeah, tell.
Hello, Dave.
Any news?
No.
It's like waiting for the second coming,
isn't it?
I hope he's not going to take as long as
that.
What's the matter?
He's got a good nose for trouble,
that one.
You don't like him, do you?
Not a lot.
Professional jealousy.
Leave it at.
The face is familiar.
The penny won't drop.
You've got it all wrong.
The scandals are supposed to start after
you get elected.
You're always first with a new angle.
Look, Mr Chisholm, whatever else I am,
I'm not an international diamond fence.
I know that, Arthur.
Well, why don't you let me go, then?
Well, firstly, you won't look too good on
the file.
If my superiors see I let
you go too soon, it looks
as though I don't take
their tip off seriously.
You can see my dilemma.
Yeah.
And, of course, there are other matters,
like all those bloody boxes of chocolates.
Even there, I've got a problem.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I don't know whether to do you for
receiving bent chocolates that are seeing
better days or charge you a contravention
of the Health Act.
Hey, men all.
Er, now, er, thanks very much for coming,
obviously.
And for those of you who don't know me,
who I did meet on your front doorsteps,
my name is Terry McCann.
And... And there's Arthur Daly.
We want Daly.
And I'm very glad to hear it, sir.
All you've got to do is vote for him on
polling day, all right?
Now, I'm very sorry, but Arthur,
Mr Daly, has been unavoidably detained.
How can we vote for a man who can't even be
bothered to attend his own political rally?
He'll be here.
Don't worry about that, sunshine.
And, er...
And in the meantime, Terry and I will take
questions from the floor.
We don't want the monkeys, we want the
organ grinder!
You've done this on purpose, didn't you,
Mr Chisholm?
Have a listen.
Everyone wants to be a politician,
don't they?
Hold on, hold on.
Here he is.
Here he is, your main man,
your very own... Arthur Daly!
Let's hear it!
Apologies, but you know, you know what
these TV interviewers are like.
Always finding an extra question just when
you want to say goodnight.
TV cameras more important than voters,
are they?
Why don't you shut it before someone else
does?
That'll do, Terence, that'll do.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to move
a vote of thanks to our local police
force, who leapt into the breach to make
sure I got here all right tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, please
show your appreciation of one
of my greatest supporters,
Detective Sergeant Chisholm.
Well, come on, Mr Chisholm.
Stand up, take a bow.
APPLAUSE Come on, Mr Chisholm,
on your flat feet.
Just a little joke.
Ladies and gentlemen, what Mr...
Ladies and gentlemen, what Mr Chisholm did
tonight in helping me out is a perfect
example of one of this borough's most
pressing needs.
Greater cooperation between us law-abiding
citizens and our intrepid boys in blue.
Because remember, we not only pay,
we pay our rates.
We also pay their wages.
Waste of time staying in there.
Yeah.
He's got them in the palm of his hand.
This is getting serious.
He actually makes sense.
Yeah, I don't like it, Alex.
I don't like it at all.
All that integrity and commitment could
cause havoc in the town hall.
I can't understand why the police let him
go.
Perhaps they couldn't find anything to
hold him on.
Well, that must have been something.
Our only hope now is Lent's smear piece on
election day.
He's dug up some very useful skeletons.
We must make sure that all
the canvassers at the polling
station just happen to
be reading the local paper.
I need a stiff drink after that.
Now, if you return
me as councillor, this misuse of public
funds will cease instantly.
Give us a drink, please.
Hello, news desk, please.
Hello, Tim.
It's Julie Waters.
Yes, yes, the feature's going fine.
Tell me, what do you know about a reporter
called Jeff Lent?
What was it you wanted to add to the
interview, then?
In the fullness of time, Mr Lent.
In the fullness of time.
What's happened to those two?
Perhaps they've stopped for a naughty.
Never.
Not before polling day.
Thank God.
Well, there you are.
We've run out.
I like him, man.
Who likes a drink?
No, no, we've just had tea, thanks.
Tea?
That's the trouble with the younger
generation.
Cheers, Mr Lent.
Cheers.
You're supposed to say it with your glass
in your hand.
Cheers.
Got a loo here?
Yeah, straight through the lounge.
You sure this is going to work?
You heard what Julie said, didn't you?
He's one of the great drinkers of Fleet
Street.
He has been fired off more papers than
you've had at dinners.
All you have to do is
keep him drunk until polling
day so that he can't finish
that hatchet job on you.
That's the day after tomorrow.
So you're getting the Guinness Book of
Records, won't you?
I don't even like scotch.
Walk on, walk on With hope
in your heart And you'll never
walk alone You'll never walk
alone Have another one, Geoff.
What is this life if we're of care?
We haven't got time to drink no beer.
Do you think Arthur will stand the pace?
What?
He's been training for this event for 30
years.
Walk on, walk on You're all gone.
Where are they?
Arthur!
Arthur!
Terry.
I can't go on.
I've had it, Terry.
I'll make you a nice cup of tea.
Yeah, and I'll put a nice large whisky in
it, shall I?
Terry, not even in jest.
Terry, I've had it.
You just have to let that dipsy maniac do
his worst in the local ragger.
At least I keep my liver.
It's finished.
I know.
That's what I'll keep telling you.
No, I mean, you've done it.
It's polling day.
You've won the drinking competition.
Now let's see about the election.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Welcome aboard.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Nice to have you with us.
Good morning.
How's it going, then?
Well, so far, seven of these
signs, three handshakes, and
one silly car that thinks
they ought to be repatriated.
Am I in time for the first hanging?
This gentleman signed your petition down
at Winchester.
All in good time, sir.
All in good time.
Don't forget the whipping.
No, no, I won't forget the whipping.
I have already told you, sir, there was no
jewellery.
No, I admit we did not rip open all the
tyres on his second-hand cars,
but we find that sort of behaviour not
generally appreciated in this part of London.
The only dodgy items were the quantity of
chews.
And the chocolates.
The matter is under review.
I see, sir.
Very well.
Thank you.
Somebody wants Daly very badly indeed.
So what are we going to do?
Good morning.
Vote Daly.
Have you voted?
Course I have.
You come to vote?
I must ask you both to accompany me to the
station.
I'm sure you'll come quietly, won't you?
What are you talking about?
What's the charge?
Chocolates.
Doing you both for receiving.
I told you I'd pay cash for them.
What would we want with a load of Nick
chocolates?
McCann, sometimes I wonder about you.
It's a seller course.
To make a quick profit.
Yeah?
Then how come we give them all away,
Would seem a bit silly, wouldn't it?
You what?
He's right.
We did give them away.
Tell that to the jury.
Hold on, hold on.
Stay there.
Governor, could you come here a minute,
please?
I ain't seen anyone hung yet.
No, it's been put off till later.
Did you like the chocolates?
Certainly did.
They did wonders for my gal.
Would you mind telling this nice man how
much we charged you for them?
Charged me?
Don't be silly.
You gave them to me.
And we've got hundreds more like him all
over the borough.
Come on, Jones.
Right, he's here.
Half a daily.
Come on, then.
APPLAUSE
William Christopher Arnold.
Conservative.
Anthony Wesley Billingham.
Labour.
Sebastian Francis Crumpit.
The monster-raving loony party.
Arthur Edward Daly.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, loyal party members
and mine host, I don't know what to say.
How about the drinks are on me,
Yeah, that's a good one.
Give them all a double on me, Dave.
I couldn't have done it without you two,
you know.
Cheers.
How's it going, then, councillor?
Councillor?
Heard indoors I want a new frock for when
I get swore in.
And this is only the beginning, Terry.
Cheers, Dave.
Hold on.
What do you two want?
You mustn't take it all so personally,
McCann.
It's only politics.
Yeah, and this is only members,
so on your bike.
No, no, no, Terry, that'll do.
That'll do.
Well, I suppose your lot
and his lot are now going
to try and corrupt me with
lucrative blandishments.
No, we won't.
You won't?
No.
You are going to be disqualified,
and there'll have to be another election.
What stroke are you pulling this time?
Not us.
You did it to yourself.
Do what?
Overspending on your election campaign.
It's a very serious offence, you know.
Automatic disqualification.
Overspending him?
You've got to be kidding, haven't you?
No, we're not.
You see, we've just
finished adding up the cost
of all those boxes of
chocolates you gave away.
Those chocolates weren't for eating.
They were for buying and selling.
Like the sardines in the Second World w*r.
Sardines?
Yeah.
If you want to, I'll change the situation.
I'm just the wrong location Good idea Just
you keep me near I'll be so good for you I
can be so good for you I'm gonna help you
Love you like you want me to I'll do
anything for you I'll be so good for you I
can be so good for you I'll do it like you
want me to Love you like you want me to
There ain't nothing I can't go through
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