05x06 - The Long Ride Back to Scratchwood

[bunniefuu]

Terry!

Hello.

I've been trying to get hold of you for
days.

Where is he?

Who?

The great man, numero uno.

Art Badalian's given me a blank.

No, it's about... Golly,
they love me, darling.

Quest today, straight off the boat.

So where is he?

He's never at home.

They lock up, engaged all the time.

I billed him at the club in the ante.

You look knackered.

What are you, jogging?

I'm going to see the bank manager.

What do you want him for?

We're all going to be rich, Till.

Tickets, capisce?

What are you on about?

This is the big one, Till.

I've been working on this for weeks.

He'll be very impressed, I'm telling you.

What?

It's money in the bank.

But see, it's too big for me.

See, he's got the muscle, he's got you.

He's not a gangster, though, you know.

No, but he's a name, he's a face.



You what?





Don't go in there, darling, they take
liberties.

Come on.

Hey, come on, behave yourself.

You ain't had breakfast yet.

Got more front-end salvages you have.

We can take over.

We can break the monopoly.

I'm not just talking about football,
anything.

Wimbledon, ballet at Covent Garden,
boxing, Chelsea Flower Show.

What about Phil?

Who?

King of the Taps.

I mean, he's not going to abdicate, is he?

So what?

He's had a good run.

The King's dead.

Boom.

Long live the new King.

They've all got to go sometime,
haven't they?

See, I've got so many ideas and plans.

I'm going to really get my act together
while I'm away.

Well, where are you going?

I'm on bail, didn't you know?

Crown Court next week.

It's all right.

My brief rent in six months.

Hope my neck be a duddle.

See, but that's why I've got to get this
tickets thing settled.

I see.

So you can go straight back in when you
come out?

No, this is what I'm telling you.

It's all legal.

They advertise it in the Times.

I've got a scheme that will curl the great
Arthur's ear.

Pretty sure.

Yes?

A cup or two, please.

And cappuccino, please.

That's coffee.

Anyway, I don't like young people.

I certainly don't want to meet one of
them.

He's not young people.

He's a person, isn't he?

He's not representative of the old
generation.

Have you seen them?

Look, there's one there.

There's another one.

Look at that one.

That's a girl, that one.

You know what I mean.

They think they know it all, don't they?

They're slovenly, rude, opinionated.

Yeah, well, he reckons he's got Steve
Benson in his pocket.

Old Benno?

Yeah, old Benno.

He's a fair play, wasn't he?

Fair.

He's brilliant.

Had a few drinks the night before.

He'd still pop a couple of goals in the
net the next day.

And this, um... What's his name?

Justin.

He reckons he knows Benno, does he?

Yeah, he gets about a bit.

Move, move it, superstar.

The ankle.

Yeah, you can hobble to the bar.

None of you are buying them, darling.

Oi!

This is supposed to be a training session!

Who told you that?

I'll be back in a minute.

Who is he?

An agent from Real Madrid?

A media man?

He's me counsellor from A.A.

You don't have to take all that, do you?

Yeah, I do.

I can't even get the first team.

Whatever, they can't even lace your boots.

Yeah, yeah.

What's the score with your men?

Daily.

I've got to meet with him.

That's why I've got to know about the
deal.

I don't know.

He's well known.

That's why I've got to know.

Right.

I can get 2,000 tickets for the
England-Scotland game.

Cash on a nail, face value.

You sell them on the open market for
whatever you can get.

You fix your own price.

Double, treble, even more?

The old jocks will rob banks to get them
tickets.

Right.

That's why it's big.

I could be a marked man for this.

I usually do business with Phil.

I collect all the tickets and the players
in London.

But what do I get?

Peanuts.

He takes me for granted.

Why should I make him richer?

If I had the money, I'd buy the tickets
myself.

But I haven't.

And you're pot less.

Slightly embarrassed.

You're a skimp, Justin.

Yeah, I'm sure so.

Look, I'm relying on you.

I mean, I don't know the villains and
gangsters.

That's your game.

Bloody right, that's my game.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Hello.

May I take my coat, please?

There he is, up there.

Where?

Play the piano.

Thank you, sir.

Mrs Mills.

Come in, sir.

The great man.

Il senor Daly.

Numero uno.

You what?

I tell you what.

This is one of the greatest days of my
life.

Come and sit down.

Come and sit down.

A glass of suave?

And how did I know you liked suave?

I didn't know.

I just knew.

Arthur, this is Justin.

Yeah, yeah.

Pleased to meet you.

Cool, Arthur.

Lay back.

See that?

He's sizing me up the old fox?

What's that?

I tell you what.

I still can't believe it.

Me sitting with you, Arthur.

I mean, you don't mind me calling you
Arthur, do you, Arthur?

No.

Of course you don't.

No, no.

It's perfectly all right.

Justin.

Justin.

Justin.

And I tell you what.

In my book, you are an hero.

I mean, you're up there with a start.

Bogey.

Edward Gee.

George Rath.

Did you know him?

Who?

George Rath.

When he came to London.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We had a few words.

Yeah.

I'll bet?

And I've also said to Terry.

I said, Terry, you are privileged to work
with Arthur Daly.

When did you say that?

I told you.

Dozens of times.

See, you can help me, Arthur.

You've got it all.

The knowledge, the wisdom, the experience.

See, me, I'm just starting on the ladder.

A mere apprentice.

It's like Leonardo da Vinci.

Now, he had the idea.

The grand design.

And he had all these other wallies.

Well, like, apprentices, who'd paint in
the night.

You know, a nose, or a tree, or a bit of
sky.

But you see, they was
learning, which is why

I'm grateful to break
bread with you, Arthur.

Yeah, we're talking of bread.

Any chance of seeing the menu?

Sorry, sir.

I do get on a bit, don't I?

Mario?

Just a bit.

See, the trouble is, you do not understand
ambition, Terence.

The kind of advice I can give this young
man, you do not get in colleges.

Signore, I want you to make Mr. Daly a man
of respect, if that's the expression.

Ta.

Uomo rispettato.

Ta.

Ater daily.

Then I am delighted to meet you.

Many people talk about you.

Really?

Ater daily.

I would rather have you in my estorante,
than Egon Rooney.

Please, enjoy yourself.

What a nice man.

He's a diamond, old Mario.

He is just as well, isn't he?

His partner was after you a year ago.

You sold him a Merc.

Who?

His partner.

What's his name?

Angelo.

Yeah, the one who sent you a solicitor's
letter.

As usual, you got it all wrong,
haven't you?

That man had a little café in the Arrow
Road.

Anyway, I was like, I know it was stolen.

Judge said I was a mere prawn in the game.

And the jury said you were a prune.

I still got off with a £300 fine,
though, didn't I?

See, this is it, Arthur.

You can help me.

You know all the dodges.

You are a total, thorough, unmitigated
rogue.

And that's why I admire you.

Got him in one.

I think I'll just have the spaghetti
bolognese.

Now, I understand you've got an offer that
I may have to reject.

No, no, Arthur.

Suddenly, I don't hear from you.

Yeah, well, I've been busy.

What are you talking about?

You don't even play.

I don't even see your name in the papers
anymore.

We had a meet last week.

So what's going on?

You didn't show.

I've been very generous to you, Benno.

Yeah?

Who are you kidding?

Look, most people don't want to know about
you.

But I'm a sentimentalist.

I can remember when you was a fine player.

How would you know?

Don't get clever with me.

We need to have a serious discussion about
the tartan army.

Yeah, well, I'm having negotiations with
other people.

What people?

There are no other people.

There's Keith Prowse and me.

If McEnroe wants briefs for Wynwood and he
comes to me, then he's playing there.

Don't give me all that stuff about other
people.

Yeah, well, they're well connected.

Connected with who?

Their top men.

What's that supposed to mean?

They've got a sauna club in Upper Norwood.

They've got muscle.

You want to know about muscle?

Well, there's Cedric.

And a hundred more.

Tell your friends that.

Old Benson's got a friend who works in the
office at Wembley Stadium.

And he's going to get 2,000 tickets for
the England-Scotland match.

Nicked?

No, no, no.

He's got to settle the books.

Because you know now you have to apply by
post for the ticket.

And you have to live in England.

That's to stop the Scoties flooding the
sacred turf.

Well, that's right.

They were going to go to race relations,
weren't they?

Yeah.

Anyway, he ignores some of these letters.

And this is the beauty of it.

He's going to keep 2,000 tickets.

I mean, it's all legal.

They don't mind as long as they get their
dough.

So I said to old Ben, I said, there's only
one person who can handle this.

Arthur Daly.

I said, you've got the contacts, you've got

the muscle, and you've
got the organisation.

Sod Phil.

How much?

Well, so it's 2,000 tickets, eight pound
each.

That's 16 grand.

So a drink for him, two grand.

That's 18 grand.

How much?



No, no, I heard what you said.

No, I'd like to hear it again.

Well, I mean, you treble that in a week.

Even more.

You want me to lend you 18 grand?

No, no, Arthur.

Not lend.

I mean, it's an investment, isn't it?

We'll split the profit.

And obviously, you get the lion's share.

Thank you very much, Tom.

Well, I thought you would have grabbed it.

It's like printing money, isn't it?

The impetuosity of youth?

If you want to know about wisdom,
my son, suss it out first.

When anyone offers me a bargain,
I know there's a catch.

There is no catch, honest.

That is the catch.

When I hear the word honest, I reach for
my solicitor.

Trust me.

Why?

No, you're right.

Who needs trust?

I'm being very naive.

You are indeed, my son.

But I'm learning, though, aren't I?

I've got 2,000 tickets for the
England-Scotland match.

Have you got any contacts in Scotland?

Of course I have.

No, I mean big.

Big.

Tell him.

What?

Well, tell him about Big Amish.

Him?

Well...

Well, he's Scottish.

He's big.

He's not called Jimmy.

No.

He's called Amish.

He's violent.

He's a right...

He's a personal friend of mine.

Top man.

Chairman of the board.

Know what I mean?

Right.

We'll phone him right now.

Mario's got a phone.

He's a goer, ain't he?



I think he likes you.

Yeah.

Some people do, you know.

Try to help?

You always help people, Phil.

You don't get credit for your charity work
either.

True.

People don't know about that, do they?

Well, that's because you're an anonymous
benefactor.

Yeah.

Well, I don't get the credit for it.

I think you should get an OBE.

Orphans and widows and bloody distressed
footballers.

Who's his pal?

Young Justin.

Right lemon.

Flash kick.

Got no formula.

Never mind.

Give him a pull.

Right.

Hey, what's up?

Not a bad drop of verturimonia?

You know, brandy's not bad either.

Vert.

Hold up.

Well?

Hamish.

Yeah, sure.

He was in the middle of his mints and
totties, whatever they call it.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, when he's had
his rhubarb and custard,

he'll hop on here to
Sydney and there you go.

A result.

Justine.

Early days?

Salad.

You'll like Hamish.

He's a bit of a rough diamond, but, um...

But what?

He's a bit of a rough diamond,
but, um... He's all right.

You'll like him.

And Justine.

Not too much rabbit?

Stum, stum.

You're the governor.

No, you forget it.

You booked him into a hotel?

No.

No.

I thought he could kip at your drums.

OK?

No.

Terence, he's a colleague.

He growls.

You what?

He growls and he mutters.

And then he attacks.

I had three fights the last time he was
down.

That's the one, innit?

Platform seven.

Yeah.

Yeah.

OK, I'll see you after.

I'll see you after.

See you.

Is that him?

Where?

There.

He looks sort of growler.

He's big enough.

Where is he?

Are you Mr. Daly?

Don't creep up on me like that.

I'm very fussy.

Hamish couldn't come.

I'm the open razor.

What?

Razor.

You can call me Alasdair.

Nice to meet you, Arthur.

Nice to meet a friend of Hamish.

I'm afraid your man is unavoidably
indisposed.

He's in the hospital.

Never.

What?

What's he got?

Two broken legs, broken wrist, dislocated
shoulder, multiple cuts and abrasions.

Dear.

Street accident?

Aye.

It was in the street.

Is this your wee g*ng, then?

Well, it's Terry.

Justine.

Hamish says you're a good man to do
business with.

You know.

You're my own road.

You're what?

I'm not talking to the top man.

He's met them all.

Jewel Draft.

m*rder Incorporated.

He is nationwide, coast to coast.

You ain't talking to some little gauble
stairway now.

This is Harper Daly.

Capisce?

Who is he?

He's with me.

OK, chaps.

You're marking my card.

Fine.

That's right.

I mean, here we were, ready to welcome old
Hamish, coughing and growling and

spitting, and you turn up in the Alan Wick
again.

I mean, we just got to adjust, didn't we?

Yeah.

Thank you, Justine.

Well, I mean, it's his attitude, ain't it?

I mean, it's a seller's market.

I'm booked into the Haldi Inn,
Swiss Cottage.

You know the way, Mr. Daly?

Yeah, yeah.

See?

He don't growl, do he?

Not yet.

You know the way, Mr. Daly?

You mean we ain't on the firm?

Apparently not, no.

It's all high finance now, ain't it?

Well, he ain't going to stitch us up, is he?

Who's us?

Me and Benson.

I mean, he is honest, ain't he?

The great man.

No.

Now you tell me.

Well, work it out for yourself.

He's been around a long time, Arthur,
ain't he?

He knows the worth of a pound.

Anyway, I don't know what you're going on
about.

I mean, you had nothing yesterday,
did you?

And tomorrow, you might have a few,
Bob.

Fair enough, ain't it?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Well, I wouldn't worry about Arthur.

It's the other bloke you should start
thinking about.

Well, that's a bit steep, Arthur.



That's what?

About 17 pounds 50 pence per ticket.

Yeah.

Steep, Arthur, steep.

My people wouldn't like that.

Well, you've still got handy profit.

I mean, them jocks, some of them,
they'd commit m*rder to get a ticket.

Aye.

They would.

Well, that was a figure of speech,
obviously.

No.

You got it right the first time.

Yeah, well, they do like their football,
don't they?

Just for a second, let's forget about the
tickets.

I just want you to concentrate on the
logistics of the big game, yes?

Let's say that 10,000
or maybe 20,000 people,

punters, are converging
on Wembley from Scotland.

Let us assume that each punter has in his
pocket 100 pounds.

That's a liberal assessment.

This is an army on the move.


million.

A million, Arthur.

I'm giving you that.

All you've got to do is get the money out
of their pockets.

From the moment they cross the border,
they're fair game.

They've got to be fed, sheltered,
and, more importantly, refreshed.

It's a remarkable prospect, is it not?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Tickets.

How's your glass, Arthur?

Well, yeah, I could have a drop.

Tickets are a mere bagatelle.

A drop in the limitless ocean which I have
pictured for you.

I am suggesting a huge exercise.

A major operation.

See Hamish.

He was a small man.

The days of the wild men are over.

The world is ruled by accountants now.

And a few entrepreneurs like yourself.

Do I assume like you?

I'm talking to an accountant.

You've got it in one, Arthur.

We want to get together an attractive
package.

Two nights in London.

A decent bed.

Continental breakfast.

A couple of hand-picked clubs.

And a ticket for the game.

People will pawn their videos to get to
Wembley.

At least let's make it worth their while.

A weekend to remember?

I like it.

In fact, I'm very fond of it.

Hey, a pal of mine has got 3,000
autographed photographs of Charlie Nicholas.

I mean, that would make a good souvenir,
wouldn't it?

Why not, Arthur?

You're the kind of guy we need.

You know this city.

We can guarantee the bodies.

All you have to do is bury them.

Are you suggesting a partnership?

That's it.

Mind you, I still have to see other people.

Well, like who?

Do you know a man called Phil?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Phil's all right if you want to go
to the Royal Ballet.

But if you want breeze for England,
Scotland, I'm your man.

We've worked with him before.

He says he can get any amount of tickets.

Does he?

All right.

Yeah.

Phil's a dreamer.

He don't realize that I've taken over.

I like your confidence, Arthur.

Are you ready to go to
Glasgow, put the tickets

on the table, meet my
associates, shake hands?

Um, well, there are one or two details.

In principle, I mean.

Yeah, yeah, in principle.

And Glasgow?

Maybe tomorrow?

Glasgow?

The natives are quite friendly.

Yeah?

What's he doing?

We're over here.

Arthur.

Sometimes I worry about him.

Where's he going?

Hey, what are you doing?

Thinking, thinking.

You know, oiling the old grain matter.

Considering things.

Come on, you can do that in a motor,
can't you?

No, no, no, it's not the same.

And young Justin giving me GBA for the
year olds.

I've never seen you think before.

Don't scoff.

This is a command decision.

You don't have these problems.

Have you ever put your hand in your pocket
and come out with 18 grand?

Of course not.

It's beyond your experience, isn't it?

I've had a poor buddy in them revenue.

Yeah, what is that?

Two bob.

They'd probably owe you if you play your
cards right.

No, I'm talking about real money.

Well, have you got it?

Of course I have.

But that's not the point.

My money is tied up.

Well, can't you get it out of the bank?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello, Mr. Bank Manager.

I've got 2,000 aughty football tickets.

Hardly a kitchen extension or a new roof,
is it?

I've got a sold of tickets.

I've been borrowing my own dough.

And what happens if Alistair's pals don't
want to buy?

Well, supposing they do, and we get
hijacked on the way back?

Hijacked?

Yeah.

Anything could happen.

Earthquake.

Do what?

What has happened to Amish the Growler?

I don't know.

No, nobody knows.

Which is why I'm schlepping around the
environs of...

Where are we?

Swiss Cottage.

Yeah.

Thinking.

So just, just, just leave me alone.

Well, do you want us to wait, then?

Well, obviously.

I won't be thinking all day, will I?

Shouldn't think so.

Is, er, Justin about?

Yeah, but he's in bed.

Are you?

Please?

No, not me, love.

I'm a friend of Justin's.

Me and Steve Benson.

I'll give him a call.

Justin!

It's for you!

He's like Rick and Morty, isn't he?

I'm late for work, love.

Look, don't worry, Mrs. James.

I'll give him your eye.

Will you?

Because I'm going to miss my bus.

Thanks very much.

Shut up.

See you, love.

All you poncies lay in bed all day.

Look at you.

And your poor mum has to go to work.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I get up early in the morning, son.

And then I start hitting people.

I work for old Phil.

I bet you don't work.

I'm self-employed.

Yeah.

What, as a thief?

You're thieving my livelihood, son.

I mean, Benson tells me you're a
go-between.

And each week, the missing link.

He don't know who he is.

You tell me, who is he?

Numero uno.

Who's he?

He's going to steal you.

And your governor.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to smother you with your puffy
quilts.

If I told you, you'd be out of here in two
seconds.

Try me.

Arthur Daly.

Arthur Daly.

See?

You're worried now, aren't you?

Yeah, it looks like I'm going to be
working.

I'm going to wet myself.

You wouldn't say that to his face.

Why not?

Because you wouldn't.

I would, son.

To him and his punch-drunk pal.

And all his relatives.

His creditors who are many and his debtors
who are few.

The whole lot.

Yeah?

Yeah.

And you better believe it, kid.

Now, why don't you be a good boy and tell
me all about it?

What's all this about, Theo?

Well, it's a graph.

Assets, capital, deposits.

To keep the customers happy.

Yeah, but what does it mean?

I don't know.

Looks good, doesn't it?

Brilliant.

I went to another place of yours first.

The bank.

No, not any more.

Only run a bank for a year, Arthur.

Otherwise the fraud squad gets busy.

It's a property company now.

Timeshare.

You don't want an apartment in a baronial
castle in Wales, do you?

Whereabouts?

We don't know yet.

Take a pew.

I hope you don't want a mortgage,
do you?

No.

Tell me, is this a good earner?

Good?

I'll tell you what.

It's going so well, I'm thinking of
turning it into an honest business.

Never.

Not really.

But you see, and you
know this for yourself,

there are those who take
and those who are taken.

It's all greed.

Now, we offer a good rate of interest.

We're competitive.

We're leading the field.

If the other societies have to put up their

rates, that's to the good
of the public, isn't it?

Yeah, I suppose so.

But you don't pay out.

That's something different, Arthur.

I'm talking about the principle.

We give good value, you see.

Yes, I believe.

And I understand you're financing some
projects.

You do understand that this is not an
investigation.

I'm trying to elicit information.

The thing is, we've lost track of you,
Mr. McCann.

Really?

How would you describe your occupation?

Well, it's tricky, really, isn't it?

I mean, it's just odds and ends,
you know.

Self-employed?

Well, I get by.

Freelance, right?

I don't know.

What I'm trying to get at is your income.

You know, haphazard, it may be.

No, well, that's the word, actually.

I'd use that.

Um, haphazard.

I don't know.

I'd say we'd better try another tack.

Um...

You haven't got a P-A-Y-E code number.

What's that?

Precisely.

Well, ignore that, then.

Unemployment benefit.

Social security supplementary benefit.

You don't contribute to national
insurance, or, as we used to call it,

um, stamping your cards.

No, no.

Mortgage, H.P., credit card, pension,
pension fund.

You've cracked it, haven't you?

Beg your pardon?

The system.

You haven't got a number.

You're not a statistic.

You're a...

a spirit, a specter.

They hardly know about you.

Where were you when they did the census?

I was out.

I'll bet you were.

Thank you, Helga.

Helga.

They're amazing, aren't they?

The best legs in the Department of Inland
Revenue.

Not a bad typist, either.

You know what you are, Mr. McCann?

The invisible man.

Where is your identity?

What happens if we have a w*r?

You're dodged.

We've been after you for seven years.

During that period, you must have had some
job.

Well, let me put it like this.

I mean, take last week, for example,
right?

Two nights, I was minding a boozer.

They thought there might be a bit of
bother, you know.

Well, for that, I got 15 quid a night,
a couple of sandwiches and a beer.

I mean, you don't need an accountant for
that, do you?

What are you saying?

Are you a kind of itinerant bodyguard?

Well, yeah.

Sort of a job man, you know.

Daily.

Daily.

Does that mean anything?

Sorry, what was the name?

Money's the game, Arthur.

Now, my lips are
sealed, but four characters

who hadn't two bob between
them put up a scheme.

Have you got any collateral, I asked.

A safe vault, they said.

Well, you couldn't get any better
collateral than that, could you?

They wanted 12 grand for the laser welding
equipment and the protective clothing.

A first-class investment, I thought.

As it was, I got it back in three weeks.

Right, now what's your problem?

Wembley, tickets.

England, Scotland.

And I do not need any welding equipment.

Okay.

Three and a quarter percent per day.

Five percent for three days.

That's a bit strong, Arthur.

Well, I'm not gonna knock you, am I?

It's never been known.

One way or another, we always get paid.

No, no, Theo.

We are friends.

No, Arthur, we are acquaintances.

Three percent for 48 hours, and then three
and a quarter per day.

Okay.

Yes, Mr. Daly.

Apparently, you're his gardener.

His what?

Gardener.

As in Percy Thrower.

He was unavailable that week.

He hadn't even got a bleeding garden.

Really?

No, no, but mind you, he has got a very
big balcony.

Yeah, he likes daffodils and Busy Liz's,
things like that.

He likes all the cultural...

things, you know.

Minding the flowers?

That's it.

You got it in one.

Yeah.

Um, how much do I get?

Let's have a look.

Yes.

The financial year, April 1982.



That's more or less 30 pounds a week.

It's creeping up, isn't it?

What with the occasional stint at a boozer
and other odds and ends.

Suddenly you find you're liable to pay tax.

Unless you want to say that Mr. Daly is
falsifying his claims and books.

Now, look, what did you call me earlier?

An itinerant bodyguard, right?

Well, sometimes I double up as a sort of
freelance troubleshooter gardener.

Bit long enough, weren't you?

Was I?

This is a very important day today.

I put my life on the line.

Clothesline, was it?

In the garden.

Give us a large whiskey, mate.

You don't drink whiskey.

No, I tell you what, make it a treble.

No, no, we've got no time for that.

We're on a tight schedule.

Now, does your garden grow?

You owe me 1,500 sauce.

What are you talking about?

Your trusty old retainer.

Me, the one with manure on his wellies,
the gardener.

And you've been a bit too clever this
time, Sunshine.

You've been sussed.

Well, come on, pay the man.

Ta.

Cheers, Arthur.

You didn't want me, did you?

Anyway, what do you know about grass,

You haven't even got a bleeding garden,
have you?

You put me right in it.

Right in the compost.

Funny thing is, of course, you'll get away
with it, won't you?

But I won't.

I'm being assessed now, aren't I?

There's forms, letters, appeals.

Ta.

I was on the right result
and all then the geezer

came up with your
annual financial statement.

Now, that's got to be the greatest story
ever told, isn't it?

Look, you don't understand.

I understand 1,500 sauce.

You're getting a drink out of it.

I'll tell you what, make it a watering can
full.

Look, it is more important that I should
be solvent than you.

Who says?

I do.

And I am the brains in this organisation,
remember?

No, I'll tell you what you should
remember.

Have a look.

What?

Those legs.

Should get a Nobel Prize.

Honestly, look, we're
talking about important

matters and all you can
rabbit on about is legs.

Is that the only topic that exercises your
mind?

I like bristles and all.

No wonder you're bottom of the heap.

Handyman and occasional gardener.

A civilian, Terence.

An ordinary, everyday Wally.

Careful!

Brings back fond memories, Benno?

Yeah.

I was always a great fan of yours.

I never understood why Greenwood didn't
make more use of you.

Bit of an expert, are we?

What?

Yeah.

I know them all.

Morrow, Greavesy, Ballie and Bestie,
Dobbo, Robbo, Sniffer, Chopper.

Yeah, I know them all.

Groucho and Arbo.

Who did they play for, audience?

Bit of a jester, Benno?

All right, where do we go to meet the man
with his tickets?

In his office.

You give me the money and I give it to
him.

I'm in and out in three minutes.

What?

I don't even get to meet him?

Well, he's a bit wooded.

He's worried?

That is lovely, isn't it?

I've got to let you have


Benno, you're nearly late.

I nearly k*lled that geezer.

So?

What is more important, life or money?

Give us the money.

No.

You'll have to stay here.

Hold on, hold on.

Arthur's a bit worried about you.

Come on, Teddy.

We're both on the same side.

Teddy, let's go.

Is that them?

We've cracked it.

Come in.

Anyone follow you out?

Stop worrying, will you?

Stop worrying?

Gold dust!

Do you know what these are worth?

Nah, go on.

Well, we'll have to wait and see,
won't we?

When them little jocks see these,
they'll start drooling.

Drooling a bit yourself, ain't you?

Why not?

This is the easy bit?

Now it's off to bonny Scotland.

I don't want to go to Scotland.

Well, you don't come to Scotland,
you don't get weighed in.

Well, why?

Why?

Because you're our credibility, that's why.

They don't take no prisoners up there,
you know?

What chances will we have with 2,000
tickets?

No chance.

We'd all end up wearing
blue circle overcoats

and being taken for
a paddle in the Clyde.

No, Benno.

For the next few days, it's down to
man-to-man marking.

They're good, these, aren't they?

They use them up in Scotland when they're
sh**ting.

What do you mean?

We don't sh**t in Glasgow?

No.

They use razors and bottles and knives on
that, don't they?

No, no, no, no.

I mean up, you know, in the lochs and the
braes and the alps.

The lairds were their
estates when they're sh**ting

the grouse and the pheasant
and the smoked salmon.

Nah, these are used for pulling birds,
not sh**ting them.

Terry, come on, come on, get a move on.

Give him a shout.

All right.

Number 14.

I know.

Sorry about your manister.

So his bright idea was it to go to
Scotland, then?

Well, no, it's only for a couple of days.

Yeah.

I'm usually at work, but when he's out of
the house, I try and relax a little bit.

It's nice and quiet.

More trouble, I suppose.

Well, no, I hope not.

No, it's trouble.

You worried about him?

Well, he's so restless.

I mean, why can't he just be unemployed
like everyone else?

Yeah, I'm worried.

You do know he's on remand, don't you?

Well, yeah.

But he seems fairly optimistic.

I mean, he reckons he'll only get six
months.

Well, I would be only delighted if he got
two years.

Come on, you don't mean that.

Don't I?

Listen.

If he's palled up with Arthur Daly,
that's for sure.

You know Arthur, do you?

Yeah.

Years ago.

Right jack the lad in.

Bit of like my Justin.

Mind you, I was only a kid at the time.

I worked at the cabaret club in Jermyn
Street.

Didn't have a lot of luck, though.

I was the hatchet girl.

Suddenly, everyone stopped wearing hats.

Yeah, well, Arthur still does, of course.

Yeah.

And then I was the cigarette girl.

Suddenly, everyone stopped smoking.

That's when I decided to have my Justin.

Seemed a good idea at the time.

Do you want a drink?

No, thanks, no.

It's a bit early for me.

Sorry, Sel.

I forgot I didn't have a bag.

Nice, isn't it?

Gucci?

Yeah, it's lovely.

Come on, aren't you, Toads?

Yeah, aren't you?

That's a bit tasty, Sel.

What?

The old shag wagon.

Arthur thinks it's for hunting,
sh**ting and fishing, doesn't he?

Thank you.

Go around the side.

Oi.

Did you go before you came out, Justin?

It's a very long trip.

Far, far.

You got your passport, Terry?

How's your phrasebook?

What are you on about?

We're all foreigners from now on.

Nobody speaks English north of Tottenham.

Did your mum ever tell you that?

Are we gonna follow them all the way?

They gotta stop sometime for a pee or
whatever.

I think I'll have a word with Mr. Daly then.

Is your inaugural visit to Spaghetti
Junction, is it, Arthur?

Inaugural?

Very funny, Terence.

I'm telling you, we should have stayed on
the M1.

Everybody knows the M1 goes to Scotland.

Yeah, but not to Glasgow.

Glasgow.

Daly's magical mystery tour?

I belong to Glasgow I belong to Glasgow
Here in old Glasgow town Here in old

Glasgow town There's something the matter
with Glasgow There's something the matter

with Glasgow Round and round I'm only a
common old working man As anyone else can

see But when I've had a couple of drinks
On a Saturday Glasgow belongs to me Yeah!

Speed's bloody boat Like a bird on the
wind but as sailors Go round and round.

And try Parry the lad That's born a big
kid Over the sea to sea That's nice.

What have they slowed down for?

I think they've got a bit of trouble.

Good.

You've over-eated it.

You've gone and broken it.

Talking about it's a pile of rubbish in
the first place.

That's why you haven't been able to sell
it.

It's a pile of services.

Yeah, all right, all right.

Can you have a look at this, Squire?

It's a gasket.

We haven't had a look at it yet.

It's a gasket.

Look, Squire, I'm trade.

How long?

A couple of hours.

I'm going to Scotland.

You were near here.

I told you, Squire, I'm trade.

It'll still be two hours.

I've got to get the spares.

There's another garage for 22 miles.

I tell you what, Squire, it'll be a nice
drink in it for you.

Ta.

It'll be about an hour and 50 minutes.

Ta.

What was all that Squire stuff?

We're up north, aren't we?

They like all that rustic stuff, you know.

Where's the tickets?

You go on, Muncher.

Don't you let that out of your sight again?

Me?

You're supposed to be looking after it.

You're supposed to be looking after me.

I mean, up the road, Scotland.

The Badlands.

With patches round every corner.

Lurking in every peabrock.

Look at that.

It's a wilderness, isn't it?

No wonder Adrian built that wall.

He didn't have any football tickets,
did he?

He should have come in an armoured car.

We're talking about 50 grand street value.

Never mind your ill*gal substances.

Them little jocks would k*ll for one of
them tickets.

And that Alistair with his financial times.

What's he all about?

You keep an eye on him.

Made you turn round, didn't it?

Now hopefully you might even buy me a cup
of tea.

What I really fancied was a pina colada.

That's all I've found in Glasgow.

Follow him.

What for?

I want to know where he's going.

He's going to make a phone call.

Yeah, I want to know who too.

Do you?

He's talking to someone on the dog.

That's what he said he was going to do.

I wonder who it is.

Well, ask him.

Do you know him?

Yeah.

Do you?

Well, I had to tell him.

What?

About us and the tickets.

Thank you.

Well, he was going to give me a pasting.

So I told him.

What did you tell him?

You'll have to settle with him, I told him.

The governor.

The don of dons.

And he weren't all that impressed.

Well, you didn't say it in Italian, did you?

No, well, I haven't got that far in the
book.

Anyway, you're not worried, are you?

I mean, what about the old days?

You know, all the g*ng warfare at the
Brighton race courses?

That was before the w*r, Justine.

Was it?

Well, what about all
the street corner bookies

and the Soho Spielers
before the gaming act?

And that shootout at Mr Smith's with the
What's-His-Name family and the thingy twins?

Your yearning for nostalgia is morbid.

I'm just trying to learn, aren't I?

Yeah, well, the first thing to learn is
don't say nothing to nobody.

But the geezer was trying to strangle me.

Particularly people who are trying to
strangle you.

Behave yourselves.

Arthur, Phil would like to see you.

I'm here.

We tried to find you last night.

Went to all the usual haunts, but you'd
had early night.

Imagine you on the high road to Scotland,

It's the Winchester annual trip.

Yeah, well, Phil's in his motor looking at
the afternoon film.

Yeah?

What is it?

Stranglers in the night?

Mr Daly's in a meeting.

Shut your mouth, kid.

You nearly copped it earlier.

See what I mean?

I told you, didn't I, Steve?

Yeah, I'll be there directly.

Yeah.

That's good night.

Is it?

Good night.

Good match, was it?

What match?

Well, I assume you've been to a football
match.

That was two years ago.

Hamburg.

Do you think they kept my job open?

No, but I think they've got a nice gyro
check waiting for you.

What month is it?

March.

The day's fly.

Need have bought a ticket.

What about Phil?

He's bigger than Phil.

Don't worry about Phil.

Guard that with your life.

Just cover me.

I will, I will.

Where are you going?

Just going for a leak.

You're a lucky man.

What do you want about your game,
mate?

I've got egg on my face.

You're gonna have blood on your throat.

Well, if I don't leave it out...

You must think they're mental up there.

Now, look, it's quite clear you've got the
alphabet of something.

Aye.

I'm a civilized man, an accountant.

I don't do things like this, pushing
people around toilets.

Then stop.

I went to an academy.

I've got letters after my name.

Yeah, but what ones?

Forgeries.

How could you do it?

It's football.

What are you on about?

I've been on the phone since we got here.

They know.

They know.

They've got friends at Wembley.

Contacts in the ticket office.

They've checked the postal applications.

There are no missing tickets.

You're flogging forgeries.

I thought you were Steve Benson.

Could you, er...

Yeah, sure.

I saw you against City about ten years ago
when I was a kid.

Two late goals and then you got booked.

Not many like you now, Steve?

Yeah.

Cheers.

Sorry about that.

He's got a good memory.

Yeah.

What's going into management?

With my record, they want stable
characters.

They don't want guys like me.

You know, in the gossip columns,
into court, into scrapes.

I'd be a bad influence on the players.

Well, what about... And if you're about to
say, why don't I buy a pub, I've had two.

And a restaurant and a sports shop.

Selling tracksuits to middle-aged joggers.

What about America?

Even America don't want to know about me.

Got any other ideas?

Cheers.

I'm in your cabin.

Lost my licence two years ago.

We're talking about my career, Justin.

What career?

Tow rig.

I like George Formby.

And Wilhay.

I mean, it's better than racing.

Have I done anything against you?

Never.

Precisely.

I've got 400 tickets for England-Scotland
game.

But it's not enough.

I meet you on the motorway, by chance,
and you say you've got 2,000.

It's a question of respect.

I'm known as the man who runs the ticket
market.

That's why I'm going to Glasgow.

Suddenly, Arthur, you're a threat.

Me?

And a threat has to be curtailed.

Or destroyed.

Well, now that you explain, I do
understand your problem.

It's not my problem.

It's your problem.

Peace or w*r.

Simple.

Well, be quite honest, Phil.

I'm not all that crazy about the ticket
business.

I don't trust them wee jocks.

You have to understand minorities.

You've obviously got the gift.

Well, Phil, look, you can have the tickets.





You're talking about silly money.

I'll give you half.

I've got to make a small margin of profit.

I shall get booked for that, shouldn't I,
son?

I hope you haven't spent that money.



I don't know, Arthur.

It might be a steward's inquiry now.

How could you do a thing like that?

I don't know.

Professional foul, was it?

Yeah, something like that.

Well, you get desperate, don't you?

No, you don't.

What about the bloke in the office at
Wembley?

There wasn't a bloke in the office.

I stashed the tickets in the loo the night
before.

It gets worse.

Well, we nearly got away with it.

We?

We, he says.

Well, you would have taken the money.

I nearly had a deal there with old Phil.

But that would have been dishonest,
wouldn't it?

I didn't know they were forgeries at that
point.

Now, Phil's gone off without a stare to
Glasgow.

Anyway, you'll get your money back.

Yeah.

What about the 3% interest on the 18 grand
and the petrol and the gasket and the

thermostat and all them pies and biscuits
and all the aggravation?

That's right.

In the old days, that would have been a
definite kneecap job, wouldn't it, Arthur?

And I tell you what, mate, as soon as I get
out, I'm going to make it all up to you.

Cos, I mean, like, we're partners now,
aren't we?

Justine, I never, ever want to see you
again.

Or hear you again.

Leave it?

Just as we was getting on.

No, Justine.

Finito.

I think he means arrivederci.

Valari.

Ciao, ciao, bambino.

Auf wiedersehen.

On your bike.

Pizza off.

Perhaps we should have used them as
compost for your garden, Arthur.

If you want to, I'll change the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong
location.

Just you keep me near, I'll be so good for
you I could be so good for you I'm gonna

help you Love you like you want me to I'll
do anything for you Anything for you I'll

be so good for you I could be so good for
you I'll do it like you want me to Love

you like you want me
to There ain't nothing

I can't go through I'll be so good for you