02x15 - The Man with the Backup Plan

[bunniefuu]

- [whistles] - Let's go, everybody!

Picture time!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ In the Loud house - Come on!

- ♪ The really Loud house ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The really Loud house ♪

[rooster crowing] - Dude, that's mine!

- Do you mind if I stay in bed while you

get the kids off to school?

- I do.

- You do wanna let me do that?

- I don't.

- You don't want me to help you?

- [sighs]

- It's just, I was reading

one of Leni's "Sixteen and a Half" magazines

and I took the "Don't Be a Mess Stress Test."

And apparently, I am "supe stressed,"

which is, like, the most stressed you can be.

- [sighs] Let's go. Let's go.

- It also says, in order to reduce my stress,

I should have a "stress bestie."

That's a person who has low stress that

I can model my behavior after.

- [chuckles] Good luck finding that in this house.

[children yelling] - Don't steal my waffle!

[shouting] [crashing]

- It's on! It's on!

- Hey! Give it!

- Ahh! - Take that!

[shouting]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[giggling] - It's mine!

- Come and get me!

- OK, Louds! - That's mine!

- Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Don't forget your lunch.

- Y'ello. That sounds like an a-peeling offer.

- Keep it moving.

- Don't tell me what to do! You're not my mom!

- How do you stay so calm in the middle of the storm?

- The mind is just like water.

When it's turbulent, it's difficult to see.

When it's calm, it becomes clear.

- I think I found my stress bestie.

[applause]

- And that's when my team made it to the final game.

- Yeah! - And just as time expired,

I score the winning goal, and we are world champions.

- Yeah!

- Which none of you will ever be.

- Yeah!

- And I know this may sound harsh--

- Wait. What?

- But that's why I'm here today--

to prepare you guys for your futures.

Because none of you will ever make it in professional soccer.

As a matter of fact, we could fill this gym

with million more kids.

You know how many of those kids will make it

to the pinnacle of my sport?

None.

None.

'Cause I'm here.

And that's the odds-- in million.

So make sure you have a backup plan

and study hard, because there's nothing

more important than an education.

I've been Alexa Jordan, and you've been great.

I'll be by the door, signing autographs.

[scattered claps] [person crying]

You're welcome.

"You're never going to make it."

All right. What's your name?

- Lynn.

- You want that before or after "You're never gonna make it"?

- Uh, before, I guess.

- You got it.

Enjoy.

[dramatic music]

- The man who speaks the fewest words lives

to tell the longest tale.

- Thank you for taking me under your wing.

Is that my good sea salt?

- OK, we're done. - You know what?

It's fine. [clears throat]

So how do I become more like you?

- A tree grows without anyone watering it.

The universe will take care of itself.

You must say without saying and do without doing.

- Charles just barfed all over the kitchen.

Can somebody take care of that for me?

Lynn, I'm looking at you.

- I will do it.

- Thank you.

- By not doing it.

- What now?

- The universe will provide.

- Ugh.

- That is some negative energy.

- Agreed.

- You know, maybe we should do this somewhere else.

Here.

Should we clean up the salt?

- The universe will take care of it.

- Perfect.

- [sniffs]

- Ugh, marshmallows.

At least chew 'em, Charles.

[door slams]

- Thanks a lot, Mom. - What?

- All these years, I've been saying I'm

going to be a professional soccer player.

And you've been supporting me.

Real nice.

- What--what are you talking about?

- You know what the odds are of me making it?

It's like in million.

And that's if Alexa Jordan's not in the room.

- I support you because I believe in you.

And I know you can achieve your dreams.

- That's easy for you to say.

You're living your dream.

[soft dramatic music]

- Yeah.

- Can you believe that assembly today?

- I didn't go to school.

Nobody woke me up.

- Having kids is stressful, but I've got my eye

on every one of you like a hawk.

Hey, Linc. How was school?

- And this kid didn't know, but he wasn't--

- Alexa Jordan signed your ball?

Cool!

"You're never gonna make it"?

What does that mean?

- Apparently, the chances of me becoming

a pro athlete are, like, zilch.

Same thing for musicians and comedians.

Alexa says everyone should have a backup plan.

- Oh. [scoffs]

- Backup plan, huh?

That would be the plan you use

if your first plan doesn't work.

- Did she say anything about winning a Nobel Prize

or being a famous inventor?

- She said anything where you're famous

is basically impossible.

- Hmm.

- And did she say that everyone who has a dream

needs a backup plan? - Yeah.

She even made a whole depressing flyer about it.

- These numbers are hard to argue with.

- Guys, no, don't listen to some stupid flyer.

This might be true for other people, but not for us.

We're the Louds.

We're special. - Yeah.

- I'm still gonna test it.

[indistinct chatter]

- Charles, that's a lot of salt, buddy.

Here.

Here, try some of my milkshake.

You must be thirsty.

[upbeat music]

- OK, bye.

Thanks for carrying my books for me.

I didn't know boyfriends did that.

- Well, the cool ones do.

Oh, my bad. - No, it's OK.

- Let me help you with this.

- No, let me get it.

- Sorry.

- I'm excited for our first date on Friday.

- Me too.

What do you wanna do?

[suspenseful music]

- Ah, that's funny.

You got a whole thing planned, don't you?

- [laughs] You know it!

Big plans.

Can't wait for Friday.

[up-tempo music]

♪ ♪

- Yeah, it kind of smells a little bit weird--

- Hey, ladies, let me ask you all a quick question.

[clears throat] Would you jump out of a plane

without a backup parachute?

- I already have. - Me neither.

Having doubts about your dream career?

- No. - We've all been there.

That's why I'm prepared to offer you

a rock-solid backup plan.

- Thanks, but I think we're good.

- I'd be interested in availing myself of your services.

- Please, step into my office.

♪ ♪

Your resume is impressive--

organized, punctual, certified genius.

I have the perfect job for you.

An entry-level position with Royal Woods Technology.

Can you start...

tomorrow morning?

- Sounds wonderful.

Thank you for this opportunity.

May I keep this pen?

- Actually, it's my only one.

You'd think I'd have a...backup.

[laughter]

Good luck.

I need to get a backup.

- Lincoln!

[grunting]

[breathing heavily]

First date with Angie.

Expectations high, promises made.

I need a plan!

- Ooh, sorry, Clyde.

I'm no longer in the plan business.

I've moved on to backup plans.

Now, if you've tried a plan and failed,

then I could help you.

- But you're the man with the plan.

- I was.

Now, I'm the man with the backup plan.

- But Lincoln, I can't make a-- [phone beeps]

- Barry, baby, let's talk BUPs!

That's backup plans.

Yeah, OK, so I was taking a look at your resume.

And I was wondering--

- [grunting] [thudding]

[clatters]

- What a meal.

Thank you.

Or should I thank the universe?

- No, you should thank me.

- I'll do the dishes. - Oh.

- By not doing them.

- Ugh.

[dramatic sting]

- All praise the nothing.

- [sighs]

- Excuse me.

I have to brush my teeth.

I've got work in the morning.

I really admire you guys going after your dreams,

however unattainable they may be.

- Lisa, don't listen to Alexa Jordan.

People can be whatever they dream.

All it takes is talent and hard work.

- Yep. - That's--

- Not true. Todd and I projected out

over million simulations of my life.

And in none of them do I become a famous scientist.

Numbers don't lie, ladies.

Unfortunately, our parents did.

Our dreams are unattainable.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to lay out my work clothes

and prepare some topics for the water cooler.

Good luck on your impossible quests.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- I knew you'd be back.

- [on phone] Off to your first day of work?

- Yep. Wish me luck.

- You're gonna do great.

You'll be reporting to Phil in the mailroom.

He's worked at the company for years.

He's almost at his pension.

Anyway, he'll show you the ropes.

Gotta run.

My : a.m. is here. - OK.

[sighs] All right, Lisa.

It's time to put the "whoa" in woman.

- OK, uh, Lynn.

What are you looking for in a backup career?

- Well, I like being a part of a team,

something where I'm active.

And I like wearing a uniform.

Also, I wouldn't mind if the job involved

some kind of tackling.

I like tackling.

- OK.

Sounds to me like you're perfect for a job in...

law enforcement.

- Really? - Well, almost.

- OK, so we got some kids that vandalized

a mailbox on Oak Street.

We got complaints of some loud sneezing

from Mrs. Hogan on Elm again.

And people have been putting flyers up

on that lamppost on Houston.

It's a nightmare getting that tape off.

You could handle that one, Carol.

[dramatic rock music]

- Lynn Loud reporting for duty.

Which one of you pasty nobodies is my partner?

- Well, I like meeting new people,

traveling around, having a microphone in my hand,

and, of course, making people laugh.

- Luan, you have a promising backup career as a...

flight attendant.

- Really?

- Well, almost.

- OK, we are about to take off for the bingo parlor

in just a few minutes.

Quick reminder, fasten your seatbelts.

And if you have oxygen, make sure to put on your mask

before helping others.

[chuckling]

Our drive time today is about minutes,

but that's if we don't catch a tailwind

or, you know, Eugene starts farting again.

[laughter] - [farts]

- Thanks to Eugene, we don't have to stop for "gas."

[laughter]

Hm.

- There are many more professions in music

that are much more attainable than rockstar.

And I think I've got just the one for you.

[electric guitar playing]

♪ ♪

- I can't believe Luna Loud is playing at our wedding.

- It's gonna to be a blast.

You guys make a great couple.

- And you said we should get a DJ.

- I was trying to help my cousin.

- He's already sleeping in our basement.

Isn't that enough help?

- His boyfriend just left him.

- We're so excited.

[quirky music]

- So what you're saying is, like this peanut,

we must shed our outer shell

in order to reveal our inner selves?

- Exactly. - Huh.

Hey, Lisa. How was work?

- I pointed out some inefficiencies in the mailroom,

so they promoted me to the boardroom.

I'd love to chat, but I'm crazy busy.

- Hmm.

My daughter got a promotion,

and all I had to do was nothing.

- It's great.

- Man, that date went horribly.

My original plan was a disaster.

Guess I'm ready for a backup plan.

- You went on a date, huh? Where'd you go?

- Ice cream store. - Which one?

- Frank's. - Downtown?

- At the mall. - What'd you get?

- I had a cup. She had a cone.

- What flavors? - I had Plazberry,

and she had Strawnilla.

- Nice try, Clyde.

- Just give me a plan!

- Clyde, I love you.

You're sweeter than a Plazberry.

But I can't help you.

[dramatic music]

[clattering]

- Get a smaller desk.

[phone beeping]

- [sighs] Barry.

Barry!

I'd love to talk, but I'm on another call right now.

- We couldn't help overhearing you need some lady advice.

- We'll do it, but it'll cost you.

- Hard pass. - OK, fine.

We'll do it for free.

- We're pretty bored.

We had a playdate with our friend Ashley,

but it got canceled.

- OK, so you're gonna want to dress up.

Maybe like a cool hat.

Girls love when guys look snazzy.

- But not too snazzy.

If you try too hard, she'll smell it on you.

And be funny. - But not too funny.

Literally no one likes a clown.

Just be sure you have something interesting to talk about.

- But don't talk too much. You gotta listen.

Girls love when guys listen.

- Just be sure to focus on her.

You gotta make eye contact.

- But don't stare at her. That's creepy.

- You got it?

- Could you repeat that?

- Oh, Clyde.

- You've got so much to learn.

- We'll be here all day if that's what it takes.

- Ashley's mom called.

Playdate's back on.

- You're ready.

- Wha--wha--

- Good luck, and don't blink too much.

- But don't not blink too much.

OK, toodles.

- That's too much!

[mellow music]

- I feel like my inner self is really being revealed.

Should we tidy up our former shells?

- Do nothing.

Peanuts came from the Earth, and in time,

they will return to the Earth.

- Hmm.

[inhales]

[exhales] Mm.

- [sighs]

- Well, that was quicker than I thought.

- Just tell them to hold the board meeting.

I'm ten minutes out.

The place would fall apart without me.

[door clicks shut]

[upbeat music] Thanks, Gary.

How are the kids?

♪ ♪

[rooster crowing]

- ♪ Waking up and getting ready for a job ♪

♪ That's nice and steady ♪

♪ Watchin' the clock go 'round ♪

♪ The best thing to learn is you can't crash and burn ♪

♪ If you never leave the ground ♪

♪ Punching in and punching out ♪

♪ Let's get real and settle down ♪

♪ Punching in, punching out, out, out ♪

♪ No need to stand out from the crowd ♪

- Not on my watch!

[grunts]

- [screams]

- Exits are in the front, the rear,

and if you want to jump out the window, the sides.

[air hissing]

[gasping]

[electric guitar playing]

♪ ♪

- Take your graffiti to another neighborhood, punks!

- Enjoy your complimentary popcorn.

- Oh!

- Oh.

- That's not funny!

♪ ♪

- ♪ Punching in and punching out ♪

- Not the cake!

- Whoa!

Ahh! [music stops]

- Wow.

- Take a good look at these clouds and rainbows!

'Cause you're not gonna be seeing them for a long time.

- You're fired.

- Aw, man.

both: You're fired.

all: You're fired.

- ♪ Punching out ♪

- Wait. I was trying to be funny, but not too funny.

Was I being too funny?

- This whole night's been super weird,

and I think there's something wrong with your eyes.

- What are you talking about?

- You didn't blink for the first hour,

and then you haven't stopped blinking.

- Which did you prefer?

- It's a tough choice.

Let's just do this a different night.

- Wait, Angie!

[sighs]

- He did too much.

- Now you're getting it.

- How are my three superstars?

- We all got fired.

- It was the worst day ever.

- Tell me about it.

Corporate life is brutal.

- You got fired, too?

- No, I got promoted again,

but I had to fire the whole marketing team

and my mentor, Phil, who's been with me since day one,

which was yesterday.

- Miss Loud, you have a video conference with Singapore

in five minutes.

- This is my assistant, Evelyn.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

I have to let her go tomorrow.

- Does she have a backup plan?

Evelyn!

Got a minute?

[wistful music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, morning, ladies.

It's a beautiful day out there.

[all groaning]

I just did two days of laundry.

What's with the groutfits?

- Sweats are the business suits of losers.

- They represent our future.

- Gray and hopeless.

- Oh, come on, guys.

It's not that bad.

Jobs come and go.

Oh, phone's ringing.

Maybe there's a new opportunity here.

Y'ello?

Oh, I've got an a-peeling offer for Luan Loud.

- It's not a phone, Mom.

It's a banana.

- Oh.

Honey.

Oh, hey.

Clock's winding down!

Three, two, one.

[mimicking buzzer]

- What's the point?

- [sighs] Hey, rock star.

How about a song, huh?

♪ Ba-da-ba ba-da-ba ♪

Good talk.

- Hey, happy Saturday.

How's everybody doing?

Where's the man with the backup plan?

'Cause I'm ready to turn things around with my lady.

[dramatic musical sting]

All right, I'll go find him myself.

You've got to be kidding me.

- Sorry, Clyde. Three of my clients got fired,

so I'm out of the backup plan game

and back in the plan business.

Now, if you needed an original plan, then--

- Look, Lincoln!

Angie's gonna be here in minutes,

and I don't know if I should be snazzy or not snazzy,

blinking or not blinking.

I don't know who I am anymore!

- OK, I'm sensing some tension.

- Hey, can I borrow you for a minute?

- Unfortunately, one cannot borrow nothing.

- Now for your final test--

to master the way of nothing, you must bend the spoon

without doing anything.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, I--I feel the nothing.

I feel the nothing.

- Hey, you did it!

- Ah! [hyperventilates]

- OK, let's go. - I did it.

- Uh-huh.

- I'm not supe stressed anymore.

♪ ♪

- It's gotten even worse.

- Whoa.

- They've given up on their dreams.

I think they need one of your famous pep talks.

- Oh.

This is gonna be a tough one.

- Why'd they fire you guys?

- I got fired because I rocked too hard.

- I was fired because I was too funny.

I was k*lling--literally.

- They said I was too intense.

But that's what it takes to win.

And I was born to win.

[triumphant music]

♪ ♪

- I got this.

I'm gonna need two bananas,

some guitar picks, and a kickball.

- Wait.

Do nothing.

Luna, you do rock too hard,

but that's because you were born to rock.

- Yeah, I was born to rock.

[electric guitar playing]

- And Luan, you were born to be funny.

You've been making me laugh since I was this tall.

- Yeah!

I was born to be funny.

- Whoo-hoo!

I'm gonna be an astronaut!

- Yeah, you are, Lily.

- And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

- You're gonna to be the best astronaut ever.

- Whee! Whoo!

Whoo! - [giggling]

- You're flying!

- Lincoln, I think I have my plan.

I just need to be myself,

and I'm gonna have the best first date ever.

- Yeah! [doorbell rings]

[romantic music]

- You ready to try this again?

- Yep, and this time, you're getting the real Clyde.

♪ ♪

My lady, I'm ready to be myself, no blinking,

and just the right amount of snazzy.

- That's more like it.

Come on!

- What's going on here?

- We decided we don't need backup plans.

We're just gonna follow our dreams.

- Oh, thank goodness.

[line trills]

This is President and CEO Lisa Loud.

I quit. [phone beeps]

Mom, draw me a bath, degrees.

And Dad, I prefer to have some options on the dinner table.

Oh, and bring around the car.

I might want to go out for ice cream later.

[line trills]

I'd also like to relinquish my $ million in stock options.

- No. - Oh, no, no.

both: Do nothing!

- Do nothing!

- All praise the nothing.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Punching in, punching out ♪

♪ Let's get real and settle down ♪

♪ Punching in, punching out ♪

♪ No need to stand up from the ground ♪

♪ Punching in, punching out ♪

♪ Better to be safe than proud ♪

♪ Punching out ♪