02x10 - The Other Man With Better Plans

[bunniefuu]

- [whistles] - Let's go, everybody!

Picture time!

[upbeat music]

- ♪ In the Loud house - Come on!

- ♪ The really Loud house ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The really Loud house ♪

[upbeat rock music]

- Get him, Clyde, get him! - Circle, triangle, square!

Poke him in the eyes!

- Dr. Lopez always says that hurt people hurt people.

Can't we just talk this out? [losing sound effect]

[all sigh]

- Hey, she's a great therapist,

but Dr. Lopez would stink at this game.

- Boys weekend! all: Woo-hoo!

- Fresh milk, fellers, straight from the cow.

By the way, my cow is tied up in the backyard.

Betsy's female, so I told her

she couldn't come in for boys weekend.

- No ladies allowed!

- To Liam, for bringing the milk.

[all cheer]

- Just missed it. [laughs]

[exaggerated gasp]

Now, that is udder-ly delicious.

[laughs]

You know, 'cause cows have udders.

Tell 'em, Liam. - I cannot get behind that one.

- I guess I'll, uh-- I'll be moo-ving along.

[whispers] 'Cause cows say moo.

- To boys weekend! [all cheering]

- Tsk, oh.

- What? It's boys weekend.

We're just giving each other the business.

- Got a little business on your lip there.

- How dairy you? Still got it.

- It's good to be away from the old ball-and-chain.

- I didn't know you had a girlfriend.

- I'm talking about my mom.

She's always making me cookies, kissing my cheeks.

Come on, give me some space, woman!

- My special lady's away for the weekend

at a modeling convention.

- Oh, I didn't know your mom modeled.

- Ha-ha. Lincoln's not the only one with a girlfriend.

- When Zia told me that she and Lynn had

a weekend soccer tournament in Wisconsin,

I was all, aw, don't go.

But on the inside, I was like,

woo-hoo, boys weekend.

- Yeah! - All right!

- Actually, I really do miss her.

To boys weekend! [all cheering]

- You're not gonna be calling her all weekend, are you?

- Nope. Coach banned phones.

- Why is that?

- Don't come to my birthday party

if you're gonna wear that skirt.

[whistle blows] [crowd groaning]

I gotta go.

- DeeDee!

- No phones? They didn't try to sneak 'em on the bus?

- Nope. They're right here.

All right, who wants to lose to me next?

I'm on a major hot streak.

- I reckon I'll give it a try. - Bring it on.

[text dings]

- Interesting. Zia left her phone unlocked.

- Dude, don't look at my girlfriend's phone.

- "Hey, Zia, it's Chad from the mall."

- Who's Chad?

- Apparently, he's from the mall.

- That's not good news. - Why not?

- No Chad from the mall has ever been good news.

Here comes another text.

- Hey, maybe we shouldn't be doing this.

[text dings] - Uh-oh.

- What's uh-oh?

- "I've been thinking a lot about our conversation."

- They're conversating? That's a gateway to canoodling.

[text dings] - Here comes another one.

"We both know you're not happy with your current situation."

[losing sound effect]

- Looks like your hot streak just cooled off.

- Game over.

- You're rowing to the other side of the river.

You reach the shoreline.

You're so relieved you made it.

And there's a bear!

And scene. Wow.

Scotty, you brought tears to my eyes.

Luan, mime drowning,

because that's what you'd be doing if you rowed like that.

You got to row with attitude, with fervor!

Let's take a silent-- [mouths "five"]

[soft instrumental music]

♪ ♪

- I'll see you soon.

[giggles]

- Well, how'd it go?

- I don't know. You tell me.

[giggles] - OMG, he gave you his heart!

- You guys have been flirting for over a month

and still haven't said one word to each other.

It's so romantic.

- I really like Scotty, but--

- But what?

- Is it wrong I wanna know what he looks like?

- You don't know what he looks like?

- Well, the only time we're together

is when we're in mime class and I always leave before him.

- Well, Luan, when you like someone,

it shouldn't matter what they look like.

- You're right. - Oh, you didn't let me finish.

It shouldn't, but it totally does!

- I don't care what Bobby looks like.

- Uh, yeah, 'cause he's gorgeous.

- Continue.

- What if we stay in the van and stake him out?

Like they do in that one movie.

What's it called? - Oh, "Stakeout."

- No.

- "Stakeout ." - Yes, that's the one.

We're gonna need some snacks.

[sneaky music]

- Do real cops always eat this much on stakeouts?

- They do. That's why they wear blue costumes.

- I'm having so much fun. [laughs]

- Me, too. I'm so glad we did this,

even if Luan's boyfriend turns out to be...

unconventionally attractive.

- Here they come!

both: Ooh. - Not him. Too tall.

Not him. Too short.

That's him.

- Wow. He is very pale.

- [sighs] Isn't he amazing?

There's no wind out there, you guys.

[chuckles] It's just--

[car horn honking]

- Get in! I got a roast in the oven!

- His mom seems nice.

- "We both know you're not happy

with your current situation."

- Current situation?

- Maybe he thinks she's in a river.

Her "current" situation?

- OK. I found all the Chads

that have been tagged at the mall.

I'm gonna swipe through them and rate them all

on a scale of to for how hot they are.

all: .

. !

- Enough. - .

But don't feel bad. Liam's a .

- Yeah, but I got personality.

- I've been dating Zia for two weeks.

Suddenly, she's taking secret trips to the mall

and conversating with one of several great-looking Chads!

- Pump the brakes, Linc. - This whole thing

probably won't amount to a hill of beans.

- Even if Chad is trying to steal Zia,

he's not a threat. You're the man with the plan.

[text dings]

- "I've seen who you're with and I promise you,

I'm a man with way better plans."

This guy's been watching me.

He could be texting from inside the house!

Or maybe it's one of you guys!

Rusty, are you Chad from the mall?

Tell me right now! - No! I would never lie to you.

Except about my model girlfriend.

She doesn't exist! OK, well, she does exist,

but I'm pretty sure we're catfishing each other.

She thinks I'm a bodybuilder from New Zealand.

- What about you, farm boy?

Are you trying to move in on my girl?

- Lincoln, you're losing your mind!

- Am I, specs?

Or am I losing my girlfriend? To you!

[all arguing]

- Hey, hey!

Guys, we can't turn on each other.

That's exactly what handsome Chad wants.

- Clyde's right.

We got to stick together if we're gonna save

Lincoln's doomed relationship.

Hands in.

One, two, three.

all: Save Lincoln's doomed relationship!

- [breathes in and out] - Just relax.

There's nothing for you to worry about.

- Thanks, guys.

You really are great friends.

And, Liam, this bag is very calming.

- Oh, don't thank me. Thank Betsy. That's her poop bag.

Oh, don't worry. I clean it out biweekly.

- I just don't like the thought of some guy out there

going after my girlfriend.

- Zia is your girlfriend, nobody else's.

Let's get back to our boys weekend.

I think I can smell my chiffon cake rising.

- Yeah. - You're right.

Zia and I are very happy.

- Yeah. - It's all good.

[text dings]

- It's Chad. It's bad.

- "Zia, you told me yourself you weren't happy.

Like you said, it's time to make a change."

Not happy? Time to make a change? Yeah, right.

- You replied, "Not happy. Time to make a change.

You're right." Should I send?

- Send? all: No--

- Message sent.

♪ ♪

- Oops.

- How's boys weekend going?

- I don't understand it. They iced me out.

- Well, you'll always be my favorite guy.

- [sighs] Is it because they're getting older?

I mean, do the girls ever freeze you out?

- Boys are different.

The girls and I are practically like sisters.

Hi, ladies. What's the hot goss, hmm?

[laughs awkwardly] Oh.

- Mom. Are my pink shorts clean?

- Um-- - Oh, thanks.

- You wanna grab some lunch?

- Heck, yes.

- Do you really think we're gonna be able to find him?

- Oh, you can find anyone on the internet.

OK, what's his last name?

- Oh, well, I don't know.

Oh, on the first day of class, we had name tags,

but we need to mime our last name.

So I was Luan... - Yodel!

- Yes, Leni. My name is "Luan Yodel."

- OK. What did Scotty mime as his last name?

- Oh! It was Scotty, um...

- Scotty Hammer-shoe?

Scotty Yodel? Scotty Sand-in-shoe?

- OK, what about Scotty Shoemaker?

Found him. Boom.

Oh, there he is getting Employee of the Month

at the ice cream shop.

Oh.

Oh, here he is volunteering at the community garden.

Oh.

Here he is on Halloween! - [sighs]

Should have seen that one coming.

- We're never gonna figure this out!

- [gasps] I have the perfect plan.

both: What?

- Let's ask Lincoln to make a plan.

- Why did it send? Why did it send?

I snooped on my girlfriend's phone

and now I'm texting with the guy

who's trying to steal her from me.

- You replied, "Why did it send?

"I snooped in my girlfriend's phone,

"and now I'm texting with the guy

who's trying to steal her from me."

Shall I send? - No, you shant!

- OK. We're muted, people.

- How did this get so out of hand?

- We flew too close to the sun.

I say we should go our separate ways,

live out our lives,

and forget this ever happened.

- It's too late for that.

I'm gonna figure out who this guy is

and defend Zia's honor. - Yeah.

- This boys weekend just turned into a mans weekend.

[oven dings] - That's my chiffon cake.

- Oh, Lincoln.

- We need one of your genius plans.

- There's a mime in my class I have a crush on,

but, uh, how do I say this?

- She's scared he's unconventionally attractive.

all: Oh.

- I just wanna find out what he looks like,

but he always has that mime makeup on.

- Relationship troubles.

Thank god I'm dating a model.

- Sorry, Luan, but we don't have time

for your shallow playground shenanigans.

- What? Why? What are you guys doing?

- We're locked in a high-stakes text battle

with Chad from the mall. boys: Yeah!

- Let's go, ladies. - Have fun with Chad.

- OK, here we go, boys.

[text dings] - "Great, let's meet up."

- [whispers] He wants to meet up.

- You don't have to whisper, Zach.

- That's it. I'm putting an end to this.

It's time to man up and pretend to be my girlfriend.

"I have a boyfriend." Send.

OK, Chad, what you gonna do with that?

[text dings] - "Great, bring him."

- Oh! - Oh, no, he didn't.

- This guy is crazy.

- Looks like Zia's boyfriend wants to buy a phone, too.

- "Sure you want me to bring him?"

- [chuckles] - "He's pretty tough."

- Apparently, her boyfriend's a tough negotiator.

"I'll take care of your boyfriend."

- "It's what I do."

- Oh, snap. - Ooh!

- It's what he does. He's a professional fighter.

- He's gonna beat the tar out of you.

- He may be tough, but he can't take on all of us.

- Yeah! - Five on one!

- This guy doesn't stand a chance.

- This seems dangerous.

- "Maybe my boyfriend will bring

some of his big strong friends."

- "Bring them all. They'll get the same treatment."

- He's bluffing!

- You got to be crazy to fight five guys.

- Oh, here come the bubbles. - I peed a little.

[text dings] - He set an event request.

Do you want to accept, decline, or maybe?

[old western music]

- Accept.

OK, boys, looks like it's high noon

at the Royal Woods Mall.

- minutes estimated travel time.

- We should go.

- Yeah, definitely. - We got to get ready.

- Yeah! [grunting]

- Chad doesn't know what he's getting into.

all: Yeah!

- He texted with the wrong hombré.

- Yeah!

- Gotta protein load for the brawl at the mall.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Oh, that's bad!

- In a few hours, this thing will be as sharp as a knife.

- Why wouldn't you just use a knife?

- Ah, city folk.

- [softly] Hey, Mom, I need you to do me a favor.

I need you to call Lincoln in five minutes

and tell him I have chicken pox.

I know I had chicken pox.

I need you to call him again

and tell him I have chicken pox, Mom!

I need my space, woman! Don't ever call me here again.

[whispers] I don't mean it. Love you.

[normally] Sup?

- OK, Scotty's gonna be here in minutes

and if he shows up in his mime outfit,

we need to come up with a way to get his makeup off.

- We can lure him into an apple-bobbing contest.

- How do you lure someone into an apple-bobbing contest?

- You push their head down into the water.

- That's drowning, Leni. - No, that's drowning Scotty.

- OK, as a golf coach, I always tell my students

to simplify their swing.

- OK, so we'll knock him out with a golf club

and then make him bob for apples.

- Or Leni and I can be watering the yard.

Then when Scotty gets here, we can "accidentally"

spray him in the face with a hose!

- That's perfect!

- I'll go get the hose. - I'll get the apples!

[dreamlike melody]

[soft instrumental music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- It's him. He's here! Turn on the hose!

[frantic music]

♪ ♪

[both shouting]

- [screaming]

- Leni.

Look, I really like you,

but I've never seen you out of your mime makeup.

- I've always been super shy.

And when I thought you might like me,

I was worried you liked the mime me,

but you wouldn't like the real me.

♪ ♪

- You don't have to do that.

I don't care what you look like.

You're beautiful on the inside,

and that's the only thing that matters to me.

♪ ♪

Wow, you are so cute! [laughs]

Not that it matters, but...wow.

♪ ♪

both: Aw!

- Apples. - Mm.

- All right. Let's go over the plan one more time.

Me, Rusty, Zach, and Clyde confront Chad.

Now we should be fine if he's either

really small or younger than us.

But in the event that I... or anybody else

should be in danger-- but specifically me--

I'll give you the signal, and you drop the payload.

- I'm ready.

I gave Betsy a bucket of ravioli,

and she responded just how I thought.

[coughing and gagging] - Now, remember,

the signal is I touch my head with both hands,

as if to say-- - Dump cow poop on his head.

- Well, yeah.

All right, let's show this Chad what happens

when you mess with Lincoln Loud's girlfriend.

[high pitched cheer]

[all clearing throat]

[deep cheer]

[cool rhythmic music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Looking back on a track for a little greenback ♪

♪ Got to find just the kind or losing my mind ♪

- All right, we're looking for a guy named Chad.

- I think that's Chad.

- Why?

- He has a name tag that says "Chad"?

- Should we be wearing name tags?

- Do people usually wear name tags to fights?

- I don't know. This is my first fight.

- Don't say it's your first fight.

We're trying to intimidate this guy.

- That does raise the question,

should we be wearing name tags?

- Guys, we're not wearing name tags.

We'll just introduce ourselves.

Sup, Chad?

It's Lincoln, Zia's boyfriend.

- Great. Let's do this.

- Oh, it's go time! - Yeah!

- Aah!

- Nothing above the neck, Chad. I'm in a play next week.

[roars] - OK, what's going on?

I thought you guys were interested in

upgrading your phone plans.

- Phone...plans?

- Yeah. I've been working with Zia

on her new phone plan.

She said she wasn't happy with her current situation.

all: Oh! - Wow.

- Makes sense. - Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

- Chad, I think we owe you an apology.

There's been a big misunderstanding.

- Bombs away! all: No!

[gagging noise]

- [coughs] Oh, it's ripe.

- Is that ravioli?

- I guess I should go but I don't want to say goodbye.

- I don't want to say goodbye either.

Let's say it at the same time.

both: One, two, three.

[car horn honking] - Get in the car!

She's cute!

- Thank you.

- Another wipe?

- Again, Chad, we are so sorry for the mix-up.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I always say, forgive and forget.

It may not change the past,

but it gives the future a chance.

- That is awesome. - All right.

Let's get you guys set up with some new phone plans.

- Actually, we don't need new phone plans.

We pretended to be Zia because we thought

you were trying to steal her from me.

- [awkward chuckle] - End of story.

- Well, technically, the story ended with

me dumping cow poop on your head.

- Zia is the only one who needs a new phone plan.

- [sighs] No problem.

I'll just get Zia set up with a new plan.

I'll probably recommend that she gets

our latest security feature

so her boyfriend can't get into her phone

and pretend to be her.

- [sighs]

- I can't believe he made us all buy new phones.

- At least he threw in the shirts.

- We paid for the shirts.

- Yeah, but he threw 'em in the bag.

- Well, this was a crazy weekend.

But I think the one thing we can all agree on

is that we're never gonna mention any of this to Zia.

- Yup. - For sure.

[text dings]

- Don't even think about it.

Where were we?

Boys weekend!

[high-pitched cheering]

[all clearing throat]

[deep cheers]

[all chattering]