Francis Covers the Big Town (1953)

[bunniefuu]

Hey-hey-hey-hey.

So that's the big town.

Yeah, terrific, isn't it, Francis?

Sort of takes your breath away.

But not my appetite.

How can you look at that wonderful

sight and think of anything so trivial?

Being hungry is not trivial, cousin.

You'll soon find that out

unless we start raisin'...

a little lettuce

pretty pronto.

In New York City? Raise lettuce.

Oh, y-you mean money?

Yeah. Don't worry. We'll get a job.

We? Let me see. Uh...

what would I be good at?

Getting into trouble.

I think I'd be best suited

for the newspaper business.

Yeah, I can see it now-

42nd and Broadway.

Extry! Read all about it! Extry!

I don't mean selling 'em.

I was an editor once, you know.

You?

Yeah.

What paper?

The Weekly Informant.

Weekly - Never heard of it.

It was in high school.

Here we go again. "The Rover Boys in New

York, " or "From Pauper to Publisher."

You have no confidence

in me, have you?

Check. I don't expect to be an

editor or a publisher right away.

Modest boy. With my

background and experience,

I'm sure to get some

very important position;

something I'm really fitted for.

You'll see.

Yes, yes.

Copy boy. Rewrite.

Copy boy. Copy boy.

Oh, uh, uh-

Uh, uh-

Uh, Miss Ames.

Hey, Pete.

Huh? You see my pipe around

anywhere when you cleaned up?

Pipe?

Oh, uh, I don't clean up anymore, Mr.

Ross. But I'll ask the new guy about it.

I'm a full-time copy

boy now. Congratulations.

Thanks. The way you're going,

I better keep an eye on my job.

Don't worry, I'm not

gonna be a sports writer.

I'm gonna do yarns on

murders and rackets.

Big important stories like Mr. Austin.

Excuse me. Copy boy.

Yes, sir, Mr. Austin?

Stick this on the chief's desk. I gotta

beat it to the eighth precinct. You bet.

Thanks, kid.

Did you call this a gossip column?

Frankly, I think it's dull. Deadly dull.!

Is it my fault high society's

turned over a new leaf this week?

Then why did young Van Cleve get

a black eye at the Cameo Club?

And where did the Arthur girl go on her

honeymoon with the crooning pugilist?

Polly Pry of The Clarion

seems to know!

She's also cost The Clarion 50,000

in libel. Would you like that?

Well?

Mr. Austin's copy, sir.

May I get you a Coke or

something, Miss Ames? No, thanks.

But if you could whip up some poison

for that one, I'd appreciate it.

Your column's swell.

Never miss it.

I'm flattered, but there may not be a

column to miss unless I can dig up some...

wealthy and prominent family skeletons.

Copy boy.

Excuse me.

Say, is Mrs. Potterby what

you call society stuff?

Mrs. Henry Potterby? The

banker's wife? Yeah.

I'll say she is.

Why? Do you know something? Come on,

give. What about Mrs. Potterby?

Well, nothing, really. It's mostly

about a chorus girl named Trixie Blue.

What does Trixie Blue have

to do with Mrs. Potterby?

Nothing. She doesn't know her.

But her husband- Whose husband?

Trixie's?

No, Mrs. Potterby's. But he won't

be for long. Don't you believe it.

They're devoted to each other.

Not since the raid.

Raid! What raid? The one

at the Wilburton Arms.

What perfume you use?

Five Roses. Now, look, about that raid.

Who did the raiding?

Mrs. Potterby. She found her

husband in one of the apartments.

That's where Trixie Blue comes in?

Oh, no, no.

She was there all the time. It's her

apartment. Look, Stirling, are you-

That's my last name. Call me Peter.

My friends do. All right, Peter.

But are you sure about

this Potterby yarn?

Of course I'm sure. But where

could you find about it?

That's something I can't

tell. But if you don't

trust me, maybe you

better wait and see.

Copy boy.

This is Mrs. Potterby.

Who?

Yes, Miss Ames?

The Daily Record

understands you-

you, uh, found your husband

last night under, uh,

shall we say, most

embarrassing circumstances?

You couldn't

possibly know that!

The photographs haven't

even been developed yet.

You were right as rain, Peter darling.

I'll never doubt you again.

Can I take your copy? No. I'm gonna

take this one into his nibs myself.

But thanks a million.

Peter darling.

Copy boy. Copy boy. Copy boy.

# While the soft breezes

sigh #

# As in days long gone by

Boom, boom #

# Way down in Missouri #

# Where I heard

this melody #

Watch it, Harry.

#When I was a pickaninny #

# On my mammy's knee

Oooh #

# The darkies are hum-dum #

# De-dum

Bo, bo-bum-bum #

# Bum, bum # #

Hey, Pete, how about chow?

Oh! Well.

You feel all right?

What's that I smell, huh?

Hmm? Oh, it's Five Roses.

Couldn't you just bathe in it?

Well, that'd be one way of

becoming a mule of distinction.

Copy boy.

Yes, sir.

To rewrite.

Yes, sir. The mayor's chewin' his

fingers off up to his elbow...

tryin' to figure out how I learned

about the new highway proposal.

Thanks a million, kid.

Oh, that's okay.

Oh, um, Mr. Vance, have you had a chance

to talk to Mr. Henderson about me yet?

Well, not yet.

Oh.

But I won't forget it.

Oh, well, thanks a lot.

Roger.

Stirling, thanks for this tip.

You're welcome, sir.

But don't forget to put in a good word with

the boss for me, when you get time. Sure.

A peach for a peach.

Pete, you got any stray

sports items layin' around?

I don't know if it's

important, but the

Cleveland Indians are trading

Phil Garris for Swartz.

Don't know if that's important? When

did this happen? It hasn't happened yet.

They're meeting secretly

tonight in a secret

place to close the deal

for a secret amount.

Boy, would I like to know

how much that is.

Oh, the secret amount

of money is $40,000.

Copy boy.

I don't mean to bother

you, Mr. Austin,

but I wondered if you'd do me an awfully

big favor when you have a minute to spare?

You've caught me in a very spare one.

Just name it.

Well, I- I rewrote that piece

like you suggested, sir.

I wondered if you'd mind taking

a look at it and see how I did.

Uh, you know, my one ambition is to

be an ace reporter like you, sir.

Of course, I know it takes

a long time.

I wanna help expose

crooks and stuff.

Stuff is right.!

As in turkey.!

Which is what you can do with that

double-talking rehash on

the 10th Avenue m*rder.

How can I get an yarn

on it when the D.A. and

the police have clammed

up, even on City Hall?

But you're an ace reporter, loverboy.

A little thing like that shouldn't stop you.

Get a story!

Get a story!

The old buzzard!

No one even knows

who the corpse is yet.

Copy boy.

If it's any help, the m*rder*d

man was identified as Joe Brang.

A small-time New Jersey gambler.

He was shot twice through the

head at short range with a.38.

Captain Cranston said it was the same weapon

used in that Westchester bank robbery.

They've got a dragnet out for an

ex-convict named Eddie Frippert.

That's why they don't want anyone to know.

He and Brang were working together...

and the police figured after the robbery,

they got into an argument over dividing loot.

I hope that helps, sir.

But you left out Frippert's

middle name, Stirling. Oh. Max.

Is this on the level? You're not just

playing reporter and making this up?

No. Honest. But when it's so hush-hush

that a smart news hawk like me is stymied,

how in blazes did you

get a line on this?

I can't tell you, sir. You'll

just have to take my word for it.

Okay, I'll do it.

After all, no smart reporter divulges

the source of his information, does he?

Thanks a million, kid.

Will you save me violets for tomorrow,

Mrs. Chekov? I have a date for the movies.

That's fine, Mr. Stirling.

With your nice little girl?

Uh, no, with a lady. Oh. Well, I'll

save you a nice bunch for you.

Thank you very much.

Bye.

Hello, Mr. Bruno. Buon

giorno, Senor Stirling.

Gracias.

Buenos Aires.

Como esta la amigo tuo? Huh?

How is he? Your friend?

Oh, Francis.

Si. Si, Francis. He's fine. Thank you.

Just fine. Bye.

Pazzo. Pazzo. Si, pazzo.

Oh, hello, Mr. Scola.

Hello, Mr. Stirling.

I'll have four bunches of carrots.

I just-a sell the last-a bunch.

But I asked you to save some for Francis.

Sorry. Tomorrow, maybe.

Salvatore, let me have a few

cucumbers, please. Uh-huh.

Mr. Stirling.

We were running short,

so I saved these for you.

Oh, gee, thanks a lot, Miss Scola.

You called me Maria yesterday.

All right, Maria. I hope

your father won't be angry.

I know he doesn't like Francis.

It's not that he doesn't like Francis.

He thinks it's foolish of

you to keep an expensive pet.

But Francis isn't a pet. He's a friend.

I've explained that to Papa.

Then he doesn't think I'm foolish anymore.

No. Now he thinks you're crazy.

Well, thanks a lot

for these, Maria.

Looks-a like your little Maria, she's-a

crazy nuts about the guy next door.

She's-a not-a crazy nuts!

He's-a crazy nuts!

Why did you say that? The old stable I keep

in the back when I used to be peddler.

Si. This-a man, he pays me every

month to keep his pet there.

That's not so crazy.

Everybody like to keep-a pets.

But this-a pet is a mule.

A mule?

You don't mean to say una mula?

Si. Una mula.

Seconds? No, thanks.

Excuse you.

Oh.

Here's your paper.

Thanks, Pete.

Hey, here's the story I gave you

on thatJoe Brang killin'.

Sure. Made front page. How come

it's under Dan Austin's name?

I passed it along to him.

Why?

He's our best reporter.

Oh, why should any reporter

get his name on your story?

It'll be different tomorrow. I'm going in

and demand Henderson make me a reporter.

Aw, says you.

Hey, they're

raisin' taxes again.

Remind me to write

a letter to the president.

Francis, I think the time

has come for me to settle down.

Lead a more normal life.

I wanna get married.

Come again?

I said

I wanna get married.

That's what I thought you said.

I'm in love.

I thought you looked goofier than

usual, but on you, it's hard to tell.

Ah, it's a wonderful

feeling, Francis.

You been watchin'

the birds and the bees?

Ya know, when I look at her, I

get hot and cold, cold and hot.

Yeah. And when she looks at me, it's

like being struck by lightning.

My heart starts going pitter-patter,

patter-pitter, like the raindrops.

And my blood starts

roaring like a hurricane!

Is that love

or a weather report?

That's not funny!

You don't realize...

this is one of the most important

moments in a man's life.

A man, he says.

Ha!

Ah, she ain't a bad dish

as females go.

Who isn't a bad dish?

Maria.

Maria? Why, why, she's

just a little girl.

I'm going to marry a woman.

A woman of the worid.

Alberta Ames.

Well, kiss my Great Aunt

Regret, who won the derby.

Not that tomato that writes all that

grape juice in The Daily Record?

Alberta is not a tomato.

Be that as it may,

have you set the date, huh?

No, not exactly. I haven't

even proposed to her yet.

Oh, then the dame

hasn't lived yet.

I'm taking her to the movies tomorrow night.

Gee, I wish you could see how sweet,

how wonderful,

how lovely-

Love! It's worse than a bad

case of hoof and mouth disease.

You have no understanding.

Well, here we are.

Are we?

Oh, uh, yes, we are,

aren't we?

Well, I certainly enjoyed

the movies, Miss Ames.

So did I.

All three of them.

Awww.

It's been a wonderful evening, Miss Ames.

Thanks for bringing me home. Good night.

Peter. Aren't

you going to ask me in?

In, in my apartment?

Just you and me alone?

Well, after all, Peter,

I do trust you completely.

Oh, yes, yes. Well, it's just

that- I'm a man of the worid.

Tish, tish, tish.

Hey. He's bitin' off

more than he can chew.

Well, it's not much,

but it's cheap.

Oh, uh-

Thank you, Peter.

How about a drink? You name it.

Uh, root beer.

No, a lemonade. An orange pink.

Maybe we better skip it.

No, no, I'll go-

I have to drive.

Oh.

Why don't you sit

over here?

Uh, ha-

Do you know Keats?

Well, I don't know him

very well.

Uh, Miss Ames. Alberta

to you, Peter dear.

Alberta?

Gee, thanks.

You know, I just the love

the smell of that Five Roses on you.

I didn't know it was noticeable. I'd know

you by it, even if I were blindfolded.

Alberta, I have a confessi?n to make.

Yes, Peter?

You dropped this in the office and I picked

it up and kept it. I hope you don't mind.

Mind? Why, I'm flattered. I

may even say I'm thrilled.

You know, there comes a

time in every man's life

when he has to start

thinking of the future.

Peter, you're not going

to pop the question? Yes.

Alberta, tomorrow I'm gonna ask

Mr. Henderson to make me a reporter.

Well, uh, I think you'd make

a good reporter, Peter.

With all your connections.

Connections?

You know, where you get all that

wonderful inside information.

Oh, that. Don't you think you

oughta let Alberta in on it?

Just to prove how much we trust

each other. Please, don't ask me.

See? You really don't trust me.

I do!

Then you mustn't keep secrets from me.

Yeah, but-

Please, Peter.

Tell Alberta.

Hmm?

All right. It's Francis.

Who's Francis?

He's a friend of mine. We met

in the army. He saved my life.

He carried me seven miles through

enemy lines. Seven miles.

He must be quite a guy. He's tops. The only

mule in the worid with a purple heart.

Mule?

Purple heart?

Peter, what are

you talking about?

Francis. He won a decoration in Burma.

He's got it in his stall.

Now, I'll tell one.

It's the truth, Alberta!

I'll take you out to the stable

so you can meet him. Meet him?

You can see for yourself. It's through

the kitchen. Come on. Please.

Please.

I've always wanted you

to meet Francis anyway.

You'll get a big kick

out of him.

I hope he's still up.

The lights are on. He's probably

reading. Uh, he, uh, reads?

Oh, sure. He's read through the

Encyclopedia Brittanica

seven times. Come on.

Hiya, Francis.

Ya decent?

Well, look sharp, you lucky fellow.

I brought Miss Ames out to meet ya.

Uh, uh... Alberta,

this is Francis.

Well, say hello

to the lovely lady.

I- I think he's waiting for you to

say hello first. Now, really, Peter-

He's a little unusual when it comes to

things like this. That's putting it mildly!

Oh, well. Hello, Francis.

Now, come on. Let's go.

W- Wait, wait. Francis, where

are your manners? Say hello.

Let's not play games,

shall we, Peter?

You've had your little joke

and it's been grand fun,

but now if you'll both

excuse me, I've had enough.

Alberta, you must believe me.

Francis gives me my news tips.

He picks them over the fence.

Gossiping with neighbors! A lot of traffic

cops keep horses in the stable next door.

And Francis talks things over with

them every night. With the traffic cops?

No, the horses. You must

think I'm a complete idiot!

Not complete, doll,

but you'll do.

Why, you little-

Now, now, Alberta-

If you so much as ever come

near me again, I'll- Oh!

But, you don't-

# There goes the bride #

# Scratch one tomato ##

Now, you've done it!

I've done you a favor. She'll

never speak to me again.

That dame is just

playing you for a sucker.

I will not tolerate such disrespect

for the future Mrs. Stirling.

You'd have a better chance

with Cleopatra. She's dead.

You'd still have

a better chance.

Grow up, will ya? I'm old enough to

decide things for myself, ya know.

Ha, ha, ha!

So that's how it is.

Lucky for you that I'm a mule of principle.

What do ya mean, principle?

I promised to make a reporter out

of you, and I'll keep my word,

but after that,

you're on your own!

Well, F-F-Francis, I-

Snap off the lights

on your way out.

All right.

All right.

If that's the way you want it.

Check.

I'll show you.

Roger.

I'll get to be a reporter

without your help. Ah.

I'll talk to Mr. Henderson

in the morning! Ha, ha!

I'll show you.

Aaah.

Good night, loverboy.

Mr. Henderson, sir.

I've been here quite a while now.

I think it's high time I became a reporter.

Ed, did you tell Henderson I'm waiting?

Yeah, yeah.

He knows, he knows.

Well, beautiful, how'd you

make out last night? Terrific.

I met the informer in person.

Oh. Tell me more.

His name is Francis.

Francis?

Mm-hmm. And he is the stupidest,

rattiest-looking mule I ever laid eyes on.

He really has a mule?

A mule.

You're kidding.

I am not kidding.

He took me out to the barn and he

introduced me to the filthy beast.

But it wasn't in the mood

for chitchat.

I knew the kid was punchy, but I

didn't think he was that bad.

He's either punchy or awfully smart.

What do you mean?

It's a pretty good way of telling people

to shut up when they get too curious.

Mr. Henderson, I've been here quite a while

now, and I think it's high time- Ed.

Did you tell him? Yeah, yeah.

He knows, he knows.

Oh, Dan, Boss wants to see you,

and he's running a temperature.

What's eating the buzzard

this time?

The Chief of Police and the D.A.

are in his office.

This is the sort of thing we can't have!

Makes our job twice as tough.

Come in. Shut the door.

Well, good morning, gentlemen.

Crime must be taking a holiday.

Never mind the wisecracks. It seems

you've upset the authorities no end.

Where did you get the lowdown

on theJoe Brang k*lling?

Oh, so that's it. Was it

somebody in my office?

Was it someone in the police department?

We've got to know because-

Just a moment, gentlemen. A newspaper man

can't tell you where he gets his information.

I've been saying that for an hour.

It's a matter of ethics.

Ethics be hanged. If it's someone in the

department, I'll make 'em-

Come in.

Well?

If you please, sir, I'd like to speak

to you. Can't you see I'm busy?

This can't wait, sir.

What is it?

Well?

Sir, I've been here

for quite a while now,

and I think it's high

time I became a reporter.

For the love of

- You pick a moment like this?

Get out. Get out!

We've had a dragnet out

for Eddie Frippert,

and because of your premature

story, he's given us the slip.

He's probably in Mexico or on

his way to Europe by this time!

Excuse me, sir. You've asked for it.

See the cashier. You're through!

But all I want to tell you

about is this Mr. Frippert.

I don't care anything about-

What about Eddie Frippert?

I know where he is.

You know where he is? Yes, sir.

Where is he?

I don't think I should tell you now

that I don't work here anymore.

Better call him back.

What do you mean?

He is where I got the story.

What? Get him!

You! Come in here!

You want me, sir?

Get in here.

Well, let's have it.

Come on, where is he?

Where's who? Eddie Frippert.

Where is he?

Ya said you knew.

I do.

Speak up, boy.

Well, he's-

I don't work here anymore. For

heaven's sake, you work here.

Are you sure?

You work here.

Put it on paper?

You work here!

I do. Thanks. Now

where's Eddie Frippert?

He's at 318 DeLacey street,

apartment 3-B.

Police headquarters, quick.

He's under the name

of Eddie Phillips.

Who is it? The janitor.

There ain't nojanitor,

copper.

Hello?

It's your call.

Hansen speaking. Good!

You were right, boy.

I'll be right over.

Well, Frippert was there.

He's in custody.

Ah.

Stirling, you'd better

start talking.

Give it to us straight.

Who do you know in my office?

Your office? Who are you?

The District Attorney.

How do you do? District Attorney? I

didn't even know you had an office.

How do you make your connections

with police headquarters?

I take the Rapid Transit to

42nd street- Don't be funny.

Who tipped you off to Eddie Frippert?

Oh, that.

Yes, that! Well- I

can't tell you.

Why not?

I can't tell you.

Go ahead. Tell 'em about your mule.

What mule?

What about a mule? Stirling has an

educated mule that tells him things.

What sort of nonsense is this? He doesn't mean

MuleJohnson, who was with the Tracy Mob?

No. This mule's name is Francis.

Stop beating about the bush.

Tell us where you get your information!

I can't tell ya!

Good boy, Stirling.

Lesson number one:

A good reporter never divulges

the source of his information.

But, really, Mr. Henderson, if

I- If you'd only- A reporter?

Me? Well, I-

Stop the presses!

Stop the presses!

Tear out the front page.

Copy boy.

Stop the presses! Stop the nonsense.

Yeah.

Stop the nonsen-

What are you supposed to be? I'm just

practicing how to be a reporter.

After all, with all the

scoops you're gonna give me.

I should've stood in bed.

What's wrong? Makin' you a

reporter was one thing.

Fixin' it so you can keep the

job- Well, that's another.

Yeah, well, wait till I'm a

top reporter on The Record.

Alberta will come crawling,

begging me to forgive her.

Bushwa with ketchup.

Stop dreaming.

Let's get to work.

For this I got the Purple

Heart with four palms.

Hey, you.

Yes, sir?

What's the idea of the mule?

Huh?

I happen to be a member

of the press, sir.

We were roaming around

to pick up some news.

Do you have to take the mule along

with ya and block traffic to do it?

He's the one who gets the stories.

A wise guy, huh?

No, sir, I'm not a wise guy. Look,

he's getting a story right now.

He's what?

From your horse.

I tell ya there's nothin' wrong with me.

The square pegs in the square holes.

And the round pegs in the

round- in the round holes.

Now, Dr. Foster, about this young man's

psychotic obsessi?n concerning a talking mule.

It's not an obsessi?n! Dr. Goodrich,

I'm convinced that this obsessi?n...

is definitely

an image symbol.

Tell me, young man, when you were a

child, why did you hate your father?

I didn't hate my father. Then

why did you hate your mother?

I didn't hate my mother. You

certainly hated somebody.

I didn't hate anybody.

Tell me, Doctor, what do you think?

You suppose we oughta-

Twenty seconds longer

than the last time.

Come in. Yes,

Officer, what is it?

Okay, Doc, I'll take him

off your hands now.

Come along, kid.

The man's waiting for you.

The man?

Oh, Mr. Austin, am I glad to see you.

I was afraid-

Cheer up, kid. The release took some

doing, but you're all in the clear now.

Oh, well, that's wonderful. Does

Mr. Henderson know? I covered up for ya.

You're swell. Thanks a lot.

Um...

Look, kid, there's no point in

antagonizing the police unnecessarily.

Forget all this nonsense about the mule.

Yes, sir.

But do you know where he is?

Where who is?

Francis.

I said forget it.

Yeah, but if he doesn't hear from

me, he'll worry. Worry? A mule?

Yes. He's very high strung.

High strung?

Yeah. I've been in that

room now for three hours.

I've been

pushing square-

I am not going to move another peg until

Mr. Austin arrives to get me out.

Get you out?

He's the one who put you in.

Ha!

The breadwinner.

Yeah.

Hiya, Francis. It's about

time you got home.

Huh!

Where you been?

That's a nice welcome after what

I've been through today! Yeah?

They had me under

observation, twice. So?

They thought I was crazy.

And they let you go?

That's not very funny. Pete,

I told you a thousand times,

if you so much as mention me,

you'll wind up in trouble.

But everyone keeps askin' me how I find

out things! You don't have to tell them.

Just wink and act mysterious.

Like this.

Ha!

Get it?

Well, I'll try it.

All right.

What about some news? We

haven't picked up any today.

Hey, whatta ya mean, "we"?

I didn't take Florabel

to lunch for nothin'.

Florabel?

Who's Florabel?

Sharpen your pencil, kid.

Wait a minute.

Are you ready?

Okay, go ahead.

Huge gem robbery.

The swank jewelry store

of Van Cartel and Company...

was robbed in broad daylight

this morning by three armed men.

Mr. Van Cartel said-

"Mr. Roger Van Cartel, the owner, was

on the telephone when Duke Treswell,

"Acey-Deucey Davis and Red Crispy,

three Sing Sing parolees, entered.

Duke Treswell immediately

pulled a g*n."

In my 30 years of newspaper work, that's the

neatest piece of reporting I've come across.

Oh, thank you, sir. Not a

word on the police radio.

Nothing on the teletype.

And you scooped every sheet in town!

Even to identifying the robbers.

I don't see how you did it. Oh...

connections.

Yes?

Henderson speaking.

Yes, Chief.

What?

Are you sure?

Stirling!

Yes, sir?

That was Inspector Hansen on

the telephone. Oh, really?

He told me why there were no

police calls about the robbery.

I guess they didn't want to frighten

off the robbers. No, Stirling.

Because there didn't

happen to be a robbery!

Oh, no robbery.

No robbery? There must've been.

Why must there have been?

He told me all about it.

Who?

Francis.

The mule!

Yes, sir. A madman who carries on

conversations with a talking mule,

and I had to believe him!

But Mr. Henderson-

Young man, do you realize

what you've done? What?

We'll be sued by these three men.

We'll be sued by the jewelry store.

We'll lose half

of our circulation!

Thirty years in the business and you ruin

me and The Daily Record in one fell swoop.

But, Mr. Henderson- Young man, which one

of my competitors put you up to this?

Speak up! Which one did it?

It was my own idea.

No one did.

As soon as I get- Hello!

Hello! Yes. Yes.

Henderson speaking.

This is Roger Van Cartel of Van Cartel and Company.

How dare you, Mr. Henderson!

How dare you! This establishment prides

itself on being absolutely impregnable.

Mr. Van Cartel, I assure you the entire

thing's a mistake. A horrible mistake!

And an expensive mistake. Our clients may

hesitate about storing their valuables with us.

We are therefore going to sue your paper

for thousands. We'll sue for millions-

Mr. Van Cartel,

we'll print a retraction.

You've got nothing to worry about.

Absolutely nothing to worry about.

Stirling, I demand to know

where you got this story!

Well, you know

how it is, Chief.

I don't know!

Where did ya get it?

Uh, a smart reporter never divulges

the source of his information.

Smart reporter, huh? I'll

get it out of him, Chief.

I'll handle it, Mulvaney!

Now, look, son, you knew all about

the crime before it was committed.

You knew the participants, you knew

the details. You must've been in on it.

No, sir. Unless you explain

to me how you knew so much,

I'll have to arrest you as an accessory

before the fact.

Well, if you must know, it was

through Toodles. Who's Toodles?

Is he Duke Creswell's

girl? Take it easy.

Who is Toodles and

what's her last name?

She doesn't have a last name.

She's a horse.

You mean she's a big, fat broad?

No, she's a horse.

Another one of your jokes,

huh? It's no joke, sir.

I- I think I'd better explain.

I think you'd better. Yes.

W- W-Well, you see, sir,

Duke Creswell goes with

a waitress named Annie.

Annie has a sister named Minnie who works in

the laundry. She goes with one of the drivers.

His horse is named-

Toodles.

Yes.

Yes, his horse.

That's right, sir. When Toodles heard about

the proposed robbery, she told Florabel.

And who is Florabel?

She's on the police force.

Listen, wise guy, we don't have any

Florabels on the police force!

Yes, you do. She's a traffic horse.

A traffic horse?

Yes, up in Harlem. When Toodles told Florabel,

Florabel told Francis, and Francis-

And- And-

Splendid, young man.

A new record for this board.

Does that mean I can leave?

Leave? Are you crazy?

That's what we're trying

to find out, Doctor.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Now, then, gentlemen, about these

schizophrenic hallucinations-

They're not schizo- They're- They're

not hallucinations! Francis does talk!

Tell me, young man, do you

ever hear strange noises?

Unusual sounds? Peculiar vibrations?

What do you mean, sir?

Well, whistles, bells, horns?

Oh, yes, sir.

Regularly?

Yes, sir.

How do you explain that? I

live down by the East River.

No, no, young man! You don't understand.

You ever smell unusual smells?

Smells? Yes. Strange smells

that you can't identify.

Oh, yes, sir.

How do you explain that?

I live down by the river.

Is it one particular mule,

or do all mules talk to you?

Just one, sir: Francis.

But did you ever hear things talk to you?

Tables, chairs.

Airplanes, toothbrushes?

No, sir. Of course not.

How about chickens?

Can chickens talk?

No, sir.

Can parrots talk?

No, sir!

Ah! But parrots can talk.

I know they can!

But you said they can't. You're

all looking at me like I'm crazy!

I'm not gonna answer one more

question until I can talk to Francis!

What do

you think, gentlemen?

I say let him talk

with the animal.

It might

be most interesting.

You mean- You mean the

mule will come here?

No, no. I'll go along with Stirling

and observe his behavior...

during an actual period

of hallucination.

Young man, we've decided to let

you converse with this mule.

Well, it's about time. May I use

the phone? Phone? Telephone a mule?

Yeah. No, no. We want you

to speak to him in person.

And Dr. Goodrich will go with you.

But-

Yes.

Uh, good afternoon, Francis.

So this is Francis?

Yes, sir.

There, uh, couldn't be any

mistake, could there, Stirling?

No, sir.

Francis, this is Dr. Goodrich, a

psychiatrist from the hospital.

Will you please tell him

that I'm not crazy?

Is the mule talking to you now?

No, sir.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Now, Francis, I know we've been through this

before, but please, you can't let me down now!

Easy, now. Easy. He's just

being stubborn, that's all!

Oh, is that what it is? Come here, my boy.

Every time I come-

I understand perfectly. You're worried

because your animal friend won't speak to you.

Yes, sir.

But you needn't be.

You must realize there's nothing

unusual in what has happened to you.

I've seen hundreds of cases and they recovered.

But there's nothing wrong.

I know. In your mind there is a void.

Well, like a vacuum in

nature, it demanded filling.

You see?

Not exactly.

Almost always we find such cases seek

some person or animal who is in trouble.

Hurt, suffering, miserable.

Like this silly creature.

Just look at him. Undersized, dull-eyed,

spiritless, decrepit, stupid.

As sad and broken-down a beast

as ever heaven created.

But I still got

my own teeth.

Can you tell? Who said that?

- I did.

- Who is I?

I is me.

But who is me?

Well, don't you know

who you are, Doc?

I told you he could talk.

I told ya.

Sure I can talk. But none of this

drivel I've been listenin' to.

It is not drivel!

Here is a clear case of hyper-imaginative

reaction induced by emotional starvation.

Acute symptoms of

urban claustrophobia.

Hogwash!

Don't you believe him, young man! I've

had many years of successful practice.

Doctor, ya know what I think?

No, and I don't care!

I think you're

off your rocker.

Impossible!

Why is it impossible?

I'm the psychiatrist!

Common medical reaction.

We use the garden term to describe it.

The God complex. Very common.

Now, that'll do. That'll do!

Calm yourself, Doc.

Now, just a few questions I'd like to ask.

Tell me, are you married?

- I am not.

- Ha-ha.

At your age?

Do you go out with giris?

Hah! I have no time

for women.

Clinically correct.

Good income, Doc?

Largest in the hospital. Eh,

that fits together nicely.

Quite a build you got there,

Doc. Remnants of an athlete?

What do you mean, remnants?

Well, Doc, we ain't as young

as we once were, are we?

Just that

my hair's thinning.

Tell me, how do you sleep?

Perfectly!

No dreams?

Of course I dream!

About being Chief of Staff

at the hospital?

Well, yes, as a matter of fa- My

dreams are my own affair! Ha-ha.

I'm being insulted!

Yes.

Get me out of here! Get me out!

Of course. Get him out.

I think we'd better leave.

Yes, take him out.

I'm being insulted! Get me out!

Get me out.

Unhappy case. Next patient.

Thanks, Sam.

Is this on the level,

giris, huh?

Direct from the stork.

Wall Street!

A lot of my cousins got their assets

frozen here in the year 1929.

Pete, a fella tried to sell me that

Brooklyn Bridge once. You know somethin'?

What? I

should've bought it.

Thanks, Jake.

You're sure on the ball today.

Hey. Yeah.

This is news.

Come on, Francis. Check.

The Duchess of Jersey

is eloping with her chauffeur.

Mother should see me now.

Pretty, ain't it?

Ya know, if them fellers

could get together in there,

they could help a heap of folks over a

high hurdle of human understanding.

Yes, sir.

You mean you silly plugs can't find out

who's the head of this protection racket?

Nix on the writin', Pete.

You better lay low for a while.

Mmm.

Good evening, Mr. Stirling.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Francis. Good

evening, Mrs. Seidler.

Oh. Good evening,

Mr. Scola.

Oh, my good-a friend,

Mr. Stirling.

Here, have a nice apple. Here,

Maria, look who's here. Thank you.

Hello, you nice mule.

You really make-a nice pet.

I like you very much.

H

- Hello, Peter, I saved these turnips for Francis.

I thought he'd like them for a change.

That's certainly nice of you, Maria.

Thank you very much.

Go on, go on,

run along.

Aw, they make

a nice-a couple.

Maria with that lunatic? Lunatic?

What do you mean, lunatic?

You know who that is?

That is Peter Stirling.

The A-number one newspaper reporter.

He's a big shot.

You told me he was a coconut.

Coconut?

You know, we haven't seen

very much of you these days.

Well, a newspaper man has a

pretty busy life, Maria. I know.

I see your name in the paper

every day, and I'm so proud.

Are you really? Yes.

And so is Papa.

Oh, then he doesn't think

I'm crazy anymore, huh? No.

Now he says, "Oh, that Pietro, he's

got plenty of brains upstairs."

You've got an awfully pretty laugh, Maria.

Do you think so?

Yeah. It bubbles. It kinda makes

you wanna laugh some more.

Oh... fudge!

What did you say?

Hmm? Uh-

I said I'm a pretty good judge.

Peter, you always think of me

as a little girl, don't you?

Well, you are, aren't you?

I'm gonna be 18 tomorrow.

Eighteen? Tomorrow? You certainly

don't look it. Uh-huh.

I suppose it's the way

Papa dresses me.

He still wants to think

I'm his little bambina.

Bambina. That's cute.

Well, it's-

That's not too bad after all.

Why don't we go out tomorrow night

and celebrate your birthday?

Oh, Peter, I'd love to. Oh,

that would be a real birthday.

I'll tell you

what we'll do. We'll go out-

The cops!

That's-a second time.

That's-a too much.

Take it easy. You'll be all right.

Get an ambulance.

Let me help you. Do you

know who those men were?

Come on, Giuseppe,

tell us.

I think... they were...

the insurance people.

The insurance people? What do you mean?

No, no, no, don't ask

me. I don't know nothing.

Please, don't ask me.

All right, break it up.

Come on, give him some air.

Come on, get along with you.!

You know better than that.

Come on. Move along here.

Come on, break it up.

I'm gonna

take a chance, Pete.

If that horse was right, the yarn I'm gonna

give you will bust this town wide open.

You mean that old peddler getting beat up?

Is that important? Yeah.

And he's just one of hundreds of

little guys that's bein' gypped...

by one of the biggest

rackets in this town.

From now on, you're a crusader.

A crusader?

You're not a top reporter until

you've started a couple of crusades.

Start writin'.

sh**t.

Racketeers terrorizing small

merchants- Racketeers, huh?

Don't interrupt. That peddler's horse

was tough enough to understand.

How come? Oh, he

talked with an accent.

"Racketeers Terrorizing Small

Merchants", by Peter Stirling.

Under the guise of selling

insurance, a group of racketeers-

"Headed by a supposedly

reputable businessman...

"has been exacting tribute from small

merchants, peddlers and street vendors...

in various parts of the city."

I don't like it, Brad.

Not one bit.

Looks like one of our clients did

a little talking, Mr. Garnet.

"Headed by a supposedly

reputable businessman"?

The newspaper didn't get that

from any client.

Nobody knows about me except...

you and a few of your boys.

You know you can swear by

me and the boys, Mr. Garnet.

I don't swear by anyone.

It might have been a lucky guess;

some reporter fishing in the dark.

I can't take any chances. I've worked too

hard keeping myself in the background.

Get me Alberta Ames

at The Daily Record.

I've got to find out what this

fellow Peter Stirling knows.

Miss Ames and I used to be rather...

chummy.

I'm sure she'd be glad to cooperate.

Miss Alberta Ames, please.

Yes?

Why, certainly!

Jeff, darling, how very nice.

It's been such a long time.

Yes, too long.

Alberta, you can do me

a slight, uh, service,

and you'll find me

most grateful.

Who?

Yes, yes, I know him

quite well.

I'm sure

he'll be delighted.

"The cosine of light

over infinity...

calculates out to X."

Hmm. That figures.

- Well, how do I look?

- Oh, no!

You didn't have to rent that monkey

suit just to have a date with Maria.

Oh, it's

- It's not Maria. Something else came up.

Something very important.

Oh, you've made up

with that tomato.

She's not a tomat-

How did you know?

By the look

on your puss.

I told you she'd change

her mind about me.

She apologized for the

way she's been acting.

So you still think that

night-bloomin' cabbage goes for you?

Of course, it would never occur

to you that she might love me.

You?

Me!

Ha-ha!

Pardon my hairy legs.

Anyway, you gotta skip the date.

Skip it? What for?

Pete, I got some

real hot news for you.

Hot news? Oh, can't it wait?

Listen.

I just found out who the head man

is in the protection racket.

Can't it wait till I get back?

You want the story?

Of course I do. But you don't understand.

It's- It's just not Alberta.

I have a dinner date with some very important

people at Mr. Jefferson Garnet's home.

Garnet? That's the guy!

He's the head of the racket.

Oh, don't be a jackass!

Look who's

callin' who who.

You're makin' that up because you

don't like Alberta! That figures.

- I got a right to pick my own friends!

- So have I, fancy pants.

So button up your lip!

And don't slam the door!

Well, you-

Oh, amscray.

Oh, Peter. Oh. Why, you didn't

tell me you were going formal.

We're not. I mean, uh,

there's been a change in plans.

I was coming over to tell you.

A- A change?

Yes.

Miss Ames has invited me out

to meet some important people.

Well, you know how it is with newspaper

men; we need influential contacts.

Oh, sure. I understand, Peter.

That's all right.

Well, we'll go out

tomorrow night, okay?

Well, Maria, here. I want you to

have these. And happy birthday.

Oh, oh, no, I couldn't, Peter. You

better keep them for your date.

I brought these carrots for Francis.

Well, thanks.

Uh... well, I was a little

rude to Francis just now.

Perhaps I'd better

go back and apologize.

Oh, uh-

Here, you give these to Francis.

No, uh-

Bye.

Good evening, Alberta. Well, Petey boy.

Don't you look sharp.

Well, you look beautiful too.

Here.

Oh, they're lovely, Petey.

I'm so miserable,

Francis.

I'm so crazy about him,

and...

he doesn't even know

I'm alive.

It's lucky for me you don't

know a word I'm saying.

How can you care

for that guy?

Francis!

All right, all right!

B- But you're talking!

Well?

But mules can't talk!

Well, women can,

unfortunately.

Now, relax.

I want you to give Pete a message

for me, yeah. A message?

Tell him from now on he's on his

own and not to look for me.

Oh, you're not leaving him.

I'm finished, through.

And tell him

that's thirty for tonight.

B- But you can't go. He'll miss you.

He needs you.

Who says I can't?

Him runnin' out on his friends

for that Alberta Ames dame!

Oh, but she is beautiful. Ahh.

A- And glamorous.

Ahh.

I guess that's the reason

Pete likes her. Ahh.

He thinks of me as a little girl.

Then why don't you get glamorous?

Me?

Why not?

Hey,

in a couple of hours,

I could give you enough zing to

land a fish like him. B- But how?

Well, let me see.

First you gotta forget that

Pollyanna ooze in your voice...

and give out with

some low and throaty tones.

The kind of stuff that makes boys

act like men and men act like boys.

Listen.

"Ahh, " "Eee, " "Eye, "

"Oh, " "Ooh."

Come on, say it.

"Ahh, " "Eee, " "Eye, " "Oh, " "Ooh."

"Ahh, " "Eee, " "Eye, " "Oh, " "Ooh."

There, now you're puttin'

a little schmaltz in it.

Let me hear you say,

"How now, brown cow?"

"How now,

brown cow?"

Now real low and easy.

Again. Come on.

"How now,

brown cow?"

Oh, yeah!

Now you're changing from

a sapling into a tree!

Throw it soft

and throw it low,

and you'll catch yourself

that schmo.

Hey.

What kind of perfume

you usin'?

Oh, uh,

"Sweet Summer Breeze."

"Sweet Summer Breeze." That's

strictly for the cradle trade.

For the long pants,

you want "Moment Of Madness."

I'll get some

first thing in the morning.

Okay, uh-

uh, let me see you walk.

Mmm. Yeah.

Ohh.

Take those skis off!

Put some bounce in it!

Try it. Go ahead.

Oh, no!

Here.

Get a load of this.

It don't mean a thing

if you ain't got that swing.

Francis! You got somethin'

to sell, so you sell it!

Strictly

from the nursery.

Hey, that'd fracture 'em...

in the kindergarten.

No chic,

no savoir faire.

What's that? I don't know,

but that dress ain't got it.

What about the one I've got on?

Yeah.

- Take it off.

- I beg your pardon.

I got ideas! Take it off! Why?

I'm gonna make

a few alterations.

Well, I can't take it off

in front of you. Why not?

'Cause I just can't. Do you

want Pete or don't ya?

Turn your head

the other way.

I'm old enough to be your mother, uh,

your father- Uh, I'm old enough!

Don't peek! All right! Hurry

up and get that dress off.

I got a wonderful idea.

Yeah.

All right. If this

works- Uh-huh.

Now rip out the sleeves.

The sleeves?

Now lower the hem of that dress

five inches. Five inches?

- And the neckline right down to the shoulders.

- Francis, that's so daring!

After I get you dressed up,

you know what Pete's gonna do?

What? He's gonna take you in

his arms and he's gonna say,

"Oh, darling, to me you're the

quintessence of feminine loveliness."

Ohh, Francis.

Ohh, slush!

Doesn't he look nice. Getting

everything you want?

Very nice,

Mr. Garnet.

Excuse me,

will you please?

And how are you two getting along?

Oh, just fine.

It's a lovely party, Mr. Garnet.

Oh, it certainly is.

I was pleased you could come.

Thank you.

I've been watching

your career...

with a good deal of interest.

Have you really?

You've become one of our most important

newspapermen in such a short time,

it's miraculous.

Really quite miraculous.

You're right, Mr. Garnet.

We're all proud of Peter down at

The Record. It's nothing, really.

Nothing? Your kind of news is

very important to our city.

Let's go into the library

where we can talk quietly.

I'm sure that Miss Ames will excuse us.

You go right ahead.

I can manage to amuse myself nicely.

Thank you.

Oh!

Uh, I'm sorry.

Please. Let me.

Thank you.

Excuse us.

Certainly.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh, thank you.

That was a very interesting story

you had in today's Record.

I'm glad

you enjoyed it, sir.

There's one thing that puzzles me,

though, P.S. "P.S."? What's that?

They're your initials, aren't they?

Oh. Oh, yes, sir.

I'm known as J.G.

It's informal, and I like it

better than nicknames. Don't you?

Oh, yes... J.G.

That business about

a protection racket-

That's a horrible thing,

terrorizing people. Mm-hmm.

Is your story

based on actual fact...

or just an imaginary bit of sensationalism?

Oh, it's actual fact, sir.

One never knows what goes on

under one's very nose, does one?

No. You were a very clever young man

to uncover something like that,

even before the police.

It's all

in a day's work, sir.

This reputable businessman you mention

as being head of the organization,

do you have any idea

who he is?

No, not yet, but I expect to

find out later this evening.

Really.

That's interesting.

Very interesting.

Something funny,

Mr. Stirling?

I was just remembering.

Francis tried to tell me

it was you.

Me? Yeah. The head

of the racket.

I guess that's Francis's idea of a joke.

And who is Francis?

Uh, one of my connections. He must

have rather a strange sense of humor.

I should like to meet the gentleman.

Uh, n-no, you wouldn't.

I shouldn't have

even mentioned him.

On the contrary, you should tell

me all about this Francis person.

If you don't mind, sir,

I'd rather not.

Is he the one who told you about

the, uh, protection racket?

Yes, sir. Then I

insist on meeting him.

If I'm supposed to be mixed up in this, he

must tell me where he gets his information.

But Francis won't talk, sir. This is

one time he'll have to, I'm afraid.

If you try to make him, you'll be sorry.

Are you threatening me?

Beg pardon, sir. May I serve either

of you gentleman with a drink?

Uh, not now, Mason.

I'm afraid you misunderstood

me; I wasn't threatening you.

It's just that Francis is very

unusual, very, very stubborn.

He won't talk

to strangers.

How do you think I got where I am?

From knowing how to handle people.

B- But Francis

is not "people."

Well, you won't believe me, so I'll

take you out to meet him sometime.

Sometime?

What's wrong with now?

Now?

Now.

He lives in a place like this?

No, sir, I live here.

Francis lives in back,

in the stable. Oh.

Did you say "stable"?

Uh, yes, sir.

What sort of character is he?

We-Well, he's, uh-

Well, I'd rather you'd see for

yourself, sir; I'll lead the way.

There's something strange

about this boy, Parker.

If I'm not out in three

minutes- I understand, sir.

Hmm.

Lights are out.

Must be asleep.

Wake up, Francis.

I brought company.

Uh, hard sleeper.

Francis!

Fr-

Fr- He's not here.

You mean to say

somebody lives here?

You'd better prepare yourself for

a surprise, J.G. A surprise?

I was afraid to tell you before, for

fear you wouldn't believe me, but-

Well, Francis isn't a man.

Well...

this is hardly a place for a woman.

Well, Francis isn't a woman either.

Isn't a man,

isn't a woman.

What in blazes are you talking about?

Uh, well, uh,

Francis is a mule.

A mule?

Yes, sir. Well, I didn't come

down here to visit any mules.

What about this person who's been

giving you those newspaper stories?

That's Francis, sir.

The mule? What sort of

juvenile prank is this?

It's not a prank. Wait'll Francis

gets back; you'll find out.

Gets back? Where is he? He's

probably out getting some stories.

Stirling, are you talking about a mule?

Yes, sir.

I know it sounds unusual, but

Francis is an unusual mule.

Wait'll you talk with

him, you'll see. What?

Talk with him. And you

can pick any subject.

You've been having a little

joke at my expense. No, sir.

Either that, or you're a mental case.

Certainly not.

I'm not in the habit

of being made a fool of.

But sir-J.G.- Mr. Garnet, you

don't underst- You're bending me!

Listen, if you, if you

give mejust-

Mr. Garnet!

Mr. Garnet!

Mr. Garnet, speak to me!

Mr. Gar-

Mr. Garnet. Speak to me, Mr. Garnet.

Listen to me-

I heard a shot!

Mr. Garnet!

He's dead! The k*ller's outside!

I've gotta get-

No, you don't go away. What do you mean?

I didn't k*ll him!

We'll let the cops decide that.

Oh, no, listen- Police? But-

But I didn't do it,

I tell ya!

I didn't do it!

Then who did?

I don't know! Maybe

Mr. Garnet had enemies!

Jeff Garnet

was a respected gentleman.

How can you say that? He was

head of the protection racket.

Where did you get

that fantastic notion?

Francis tried to tell me. I thought

he was kidding. Who's Francis?

I told you, gentlemen! Don't

start that mule talk again!

Building an insanity

plea won't work!

Send for Francis. He'll clear

this thing up. Please!

Me send for a mule?

I should say not.

Then send for the girl that lives

next door to me, Maria Scola.

Maria Scola? What connection

has she with this case?

Maria?

Well, none!

She's been outside in that waiting

room for two hours. Maria's been out-

Sit down!

Would you come in here,

please?

Maria,

am I glad you're here.

I came

as soon as I heard.

You gentlemen

are all wrong.

Peter didn't k*ll Mr. Garnet,

I know he didn't.

That's what I've been trying to tell 'em.

I've been over here-

Gee, you look different.

It's your hair.

And the dress.

A- And your eyes.

Everything.

You really think so, Peter?

Honestly?

Well, y-yes. I- I never noticed

before, but you're so pretty.

I- I mean, you've grown up.

Oh, thank you, Peter.

You know, I- Uh, I-

Well, I- I-

I- Uh-

I- I-I, uh, I hate to

disturb you two lovebirds,

but have you any evidence on the

k*lling, Miss Scola? Evidence?

Yes. Do you know

who k*lled Garnet?

Why, no. But I know Peter couldn't.

He couldn't k*ll anyone.

They won't believe

I'm innocent,

but they'll change their minds

when Francis gets here. Oh.

Look, Maria, would you please go

home and get him? Uh, I can't.

Francis is gone.

What?

He's gone.

Gone?

What do you mean, gone?

He told me to tell you good-bye; he

says from now on, you're on your own.

My own what?

Oh, no.

No, he can't be gone.

He can't get along

without me.

And you're certain,

Captain Cranston,

that the b*llet which k*lled Jefferson

Garnet was fired from this g*n, Exhibit A?

Absolutely certain,

sir.

The same g*n upon which were found

the fingerprints of the defendant?

The same g*n, sir.

That will be all,

Captain.

Your witness.

No questions.

When I reached the stable I saw

Mr. Garnet lying dead on the floor...

and Mr. Stirling, with the g*n in

his hand, was trying to run away,

so I stopped him.

How long a period of time elapsed

between the firing of the shot...

and your arrival at the stable?

Less than a minute, sir.

That'll be all,

Mr. Parker.

Your witness,

Mr. Cavendish.

Um, no questions.

Um, uh-

I was serving

the guests.

I went into the library for a moment.

What did you see and hear?

Mr. Garnet,

may he rest in peace,

was facing this,

this person.

He was asking this, uh,

this person,

"Are you threatening me,

Mr. Stirling?"

And that was all you heard?

Yes, sir.

I closed the door immediately.

Very good.

Your witness.

No questions.

Aren't you gonna ask anybody any questions?

What's the use?

Our only hope is to throw ourselves

on the mercy of the court.

Oh, right-

What?

Uh-

She don't look-a

so good, Maria.

I been watching

the jury.

The way they look-a at him, I'm afraid

it's no good. "For rent" sign already.

You'd think he was

never coming back.

His only chance is to

plead insanity up-a-stairs.

Papa, you know he isn't crazy.

No? You wait until the jury

hears him talk about the mule.

Papa.

Huh?

I wanna tell you something

I've never told you before.

- I've talked to Francis.

- That's nothing.

When I used to be a peddler,

I used to talk to my horse.

"Whoa. Giddyap. Back up." Oh,

Papa, you don't understand.

I've talked to Francis,

and Francis has talked to me.

Sure, sure.

I remember wh-

You mean

Francis the mule?

He, he talked to you?

Yes, Papa.

Mamma mia,

this is contagious.

Adesso mia figlia e pazza.!

You've got to believe me.

Francis really talks!

Please. Un momento.

We not-a get excited.

When you say this mule talk, you don't

mean he talk. You mean mule talk.

No, Papa.

Francis really talks!

Exactly the same I do,

in English?

You don't call that dialect

English, do ya, paisan?

Who say that?

You've come back!

You don't like the way I talk, huh?

Francisco! The mule! Oh, mamma mia.!

Oh! Look out! Hey!

Papa.! Papa, what's the matter?

Papa.!

After the shot was fired and you picked

up the g*n, what did you do next?

I started after the m*rder*r

but the chauffeur stopped me.

You and Garnet were scuffling just

as the shot was fired? Y- Yes, sir.

Ah. And what was

this scuffle about?

He was worried about how much I knew.

About what?

- About him being head of the protection racket.

- That's not true!

It's a lie!

Mr. Stirling.

Yes, sir?

You've just made a serious charge against

a person who's unable to defend himself.

Do you have any evidence to support

your statement? N- No, sir.

But I'm sure Francis does.

Francis. Who is Francis?

W- Well, I-I-

Well, I might as well

tell you now as later.

Francis is a mule.

Young man, the acoustics

in this courtroom...

are not as good

as they should be.

It sounded as though

you said "mule."

I did say "mule, "

Your Honor.

Mr. Evans, has this defendant

been examined by a psychiatrist?

Yes, Your Honor, by one of the top

men in the psychiatric field.

Dr. Ernest Goodrich. Is

Dr. Goodrich in the court?

No, Your Honor, he's in a sanatorium.

A complete nervous breakdown.

What were his conclusions as to

the defendant's mental condition?

That he was sane,

Your Honor.

Well, I knew you wouldn't

believe me, Judge,

but Francis is a mule.

With four legs and big,

wobbly ears, and he talks!

But he's got more brains and heart than

anyone I know, and I shoulda listened to him,

'cause he's the best friend

I ever had.

Young man, in view of the

findings regarding your sanity,

all this testimony about a talking

mule will have no effect!

This court

takes judicial notice...

that there is no such thing

as a talking mule!

There never has been,

never will be, and-

- You can't bring him in here.!

- But he's a witness.!

You can't bring a mule

into the courthouse!

But he wants to testify.

Come on, Francis.

Francis!

Spectators Quiet Down ]

- What's the meaning of this?

- Sir, this is Francis.

He's come here to help Mr. Stirling.

Help him?

He wants to testify. Don't you, Francis?

Testi

- This courtroom is no place for facetiousness.

I'll have you held in contempt.

But she's not

in contempt.

Francis did come to help me. Go ahead and

tell His Honor all you know about Mr. Garnet.

Well, go ahead.

Say something.

Speak up!

Young man, are you

trying to convey the impressi?n...

that this animal-

this dumb animal-

has the gift

of speech?

I don't know if it's a gift, but

he speaks when he feels like it.

Well, apparently he didn't feel like it.

He wants to be sworn in first.

Ye- Sworn in? This is ridiculous!

Oh, no, sir. Mr. Cavendish, would you

ask Francis to the witness stand?

Put a mule on the witness stand?

I should say not.

But he'll testify about Garnet and the

protection racket. Won't you, Francis?

I've taken all the interruptions

I intend to take.

Bailiff, clear this beast

from my courtroom!

B- But Your Honor,

you mustn't! You can't!

You're supposed to be helping me! Please

put Francis on the witness stand!

I'd feel like a jackass

talking to a mule.

And how'd you think I'd feel

talkin' to a lawyer?

There's no need for sarcasm,

Mr.-

That wasn't you.

That was the mule!

I hope to kiss a duck

it was the mule.

Clear the courtroom!

Clear the courtroom!

Take the stand. All right, Francis.

Sit down, Judge.

Raise your right hand.

Uh-

Uh, your right foot.

Uhh!

Well, uh,

raise your right hoof!

This is the best I can do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you hereby swear to give to

the cause now in hearin'...

the truth, the whole truth and nothin'

but the truth, so help you? I do!

What's your name?

Francis.

Is that Francis with an "I"

or Franc?s with an "E"?

What kind of a crack

is that?

Well, are ya a boy mule

or a girl mule?

That should only interest

another mule.

Well, we need the information

for the records.

Are ya a male or a female?

Do I sound like a soprano?

It's Francis with an "I."

Well, he's waiting for you

to question him. Huh?

Oh. Yeah.

Um...

Ehhh!

Well, uh, sir-

animal- mule, uh-

Mr. Francis, will you please

tell the court and the jury...

what, if anything, you know about the

alleged m*rder of Jefferson Garnet?

Well, any one of a thousand

people could've k*lled Garnet.

He was the head of the protection racket.

How do you know?

Every peddler in town knows,

and they're all afraid to talk.

But not their horses.

What do you mean, "not their horses"?

Just what I said, Judge.

By tomorrow I could have a

hundred horses here to testify.

A hundred horses? You mean

all those horses talk too?

Talkin' horses?

Don't be fantastic, Judge.

I'd have to interpret for those morons.

Your Honor.!

I object!

Stay out of this,

Blackstone!

It's between

me and theJudge.

The witness- This, this animal

is testifying from hearsay.

The Court of Appeals in the

case of The People vs. Martin,

interpreting Section 8256 of the

Code of Criminal Procedure,

approved such testimony in cases

involving m*rder in the first degree.

Look it up, counselor.

Volume 526 at page 321

under point three,

three-quarters of the way down on

the left hand side of the page.

Judge, come here.

If you'll

adjourn until tomorrow,

I'll have Garnet's

real k*ller for ya.

This mule's adjourned- Ehh! Huh?

This court is dismuled-

Ten o'clock

tomorrow morning.

Uh, thanks, Judge.

Oh, no.

Maria. Maria.

Did they catch the k*ller yet?

No, not yet.

Francis.

Francis, wake up!

Hey,

what's the big idea?

You picked a fine time

to sleep!

Ya got anything better

to offer?

But nothin's happened yet!

You wake me up

just to tell me that?

- Look, you said the k*ller would be

here tonight. - I did.

Now pipe down, let me get

the rest of my shuteye.

You don't seem to realize I'm

heading for the electric chair!

Well, when ya gotta go,

ya gotta go.

Come on, Stirling, let's get going. Please!

The k*ller still may show up.

Not a chance. It'll be

light in a few minutes.

Well, you meant well,

Francis.

My trial's

as good as lost now.

Come on, Stirling.

Duck, Maria.

It's Scola.

A car just-a pull up. It was

running without lights.

May be our man. Get set.

All right.

Francis, wake up.

Wake up, Francis!

Oh, I'm awake.

The k*ller's here!

Well, that figures.

You still haven't told us why

he's coming here. To k*ll me.

To k*ll you? Oh, no! Yeah. He's

afraid I'll put the finger on him.

Shh. Get your head down.

Duck.

Grab him!

- Dan Austin!

- Mr. Austin, I- I don't understand.

Start talking. I don't know

what this is all about.

I- I came in to get a story about

the mule, and I got shot instead.

You need a g*n to get a story?

I always carry a rod.

Have ever since I was

threatened by a hoodlum.

I came in, heard a noise and drew

the g*n; that's all there is to it.

You're lying, Austin. Am I?

Suppose you prove I am.

- If you know anything, we'll get it

out of you. - Yeah?

You're not scaring

some frightened kid.

Wait a minute.!

I'll handle this!

Come on!

Start talking!

Stop him. He'll k*ll me. Stirling,

talk to him. He'll listen to you.

- When he's like this, he won't

listen to anyone. - Come on.!

Start talkin'!

Go on! Go on!

I'll listen to you,

Mr. Austin.

Tell us why you k*lled

Jeff Garnet.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't ya?

You've been sore at Pete

ever since he took your spot...

as the number-one reporter on The

Record, right? You're wrong.

I've always been

Pete's friend.

When you found out Garnet

was the head of the racket,

you decided to try a little

blackmail on the gent.

You're crazy. Then when Garnet

refused to be shaken down,

you got cold feet.

That's the most ridiculous

thing I ever heard.

Is it? You was afraid

Garnet'd get you,

so you got him first and tried to

k*ll two birds by pinnin' it on Pete!

You're a disgrace

to the newspaper professi?n.

You can't prove a thing.

I don't have to prove it. I'm givin'

ya three seconds to admit it!

You'd better talk.

One...

You gotta protect me, Chief.

It's your duty! This is ill*gal!

If he hurts ya, sue him.

Two...

three!

I'm gettin'on the target.!

The next one's comin'at ya.!

No! No! I'll admit it!

I'll admit it!

I, I, I k*lled Garnet.

Aww... shucks!

Just when I was gonna have

some fun, you gotta confess!

Shootin' off your big mouth!

Yaaaah!

Are you ready to go home? Home?

With autograph hunters and sightseers

stampedin' that joint? Uh-uh!

We gotta move! Yeah,

I guess he's right.

With you so famous, It'll be hard

to find a place with any privacy.

I guess you'll be leaving New York.

I suppose so.

Who said anything about leavin' New York?

Yeah, but I thought-

I'll do the thinkin'

around here.

You see, Pete, somethin' happened

yesterday on my way to the courthouse.

What do you mean, something happened?

Well, I, uh-

Oh, gosh, I feel so good.

Francis!

Look me straight in the eye.

Huh? Huh? Yeah.

Why, Francis, you're in love.

Oh, he couldn't be. Why not?

I'm only human.

I was just strollin' through the

park yesterday, and there she was.

Who?

A chick.

I always was partial

to blondes.

Oh, gosh!

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Uh, excuse me.

Francis.!

Huh?

Francis,

that's a zebra.

Oh, don't let

them pajamas fool ya.

Oh, don't

be impatient, sugar!