(film clicking and whirring)
(ominous music)
(ominous dramatic music )
(chilling music)
(suspenseful music)
(soft suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music rising)
(ominous music)
(no audio)
(keyboard clacking)
(people chatter indistinctly)
- Rich, you got any plans for
this weekend?
- You know want I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna stay home, chill out,
watch some DVDs and Blu-rays.
You know, after the week
I've had, I deserve it.
I deserve a little break.
- You need to go get laid, man.
- You know, Allen,
will you quit acting
like you know everything
about me and my personal life?
Especially my sex life,
you don't know one
f*cking thing about me.
You don't know what I do
when I leave this place.
All you know is the me here.
You don't know the
me when I leave.
You know nothing about me.
You know nothing
about what I do.
And I get laid all the
time, Allen, all the time.
- Hey, what about you and Sheri?
- What about her, Allen?
- Didn't you and her
make out last year
at the Christmas party?
- Yeah, we did, and
it was glorious.
It was probably the
greatest makeout session
of my entire life
and I'm pretty sure
it was probably the greatest
makeout session of her entire
life, just so you know.
Just so you know, FYI.
- So that's it, you
just go and make out.
You're not gonna try
and hit that sh*t?
- Allen, Sheri's not
that kind of girl.
Not all girls are like that.
Not all girls are easy like
the girls you get with,
because you know
why they're easy?
'Cause you pay for 'em.
You take that money
outta your pocket
and you pay for 'em, Allen,
that's why you get 'em.
But Sheri, she's a good
girl, she's a nice girl.
She's not like that, she
doesn't do stuff like that.
- You remember that guy
Chad that used to work here?
- Yeah, what about him, Allen?
He said Sheri and Mr. Jones used
to work at the
office all night long
and then show up the
next day in the same car.
- That's absolute
bullshit, Allen.
That's why that guy
got fired from here.
That's why you don't see
him working in here anymore.
Are you just trying to say
stuff to upset me, Allen?
What are you doing?
- Calm down, buddy.
If you don't try, I'm
gonna give it a go.
She's really been checking
me out a lot lately.
- You know why she's
checking you out?
You are the weirdest person
we have working here.
Not, not one of the
weirdest, the weirdest.
You are weird with
a capital W, Allen.
You are one weird f*ck.
(phone ringing)
(sighs) Hello?
Oh, oh, hey, Sheri.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll be right there,
I'll be right there.
(phone clicks)
Get this, Mr. Jones?
He wants to see
me in his office.
- You're gonna get fired.
- No, I'm not gonna get fired.
You know what I'm gonna get?
Probably a promotion.
No, I'm not gonna get fired,
I'm gonna get a promotion.
Maybe I'll be his assistant.
Maybe I'll be working
right under Mr. Jones.
- Unemployment.
- Mm-hm.
(indistinct office chatter)
- There's no other easier
way of saying this.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
- Why- why has it gotta be me?
What about Allen?
That guy's horrible, sir.
He's terrible, he's an idiot!
- Richard,
Richard, okay, first of all, you
know,
we're losing money here, so I
gotta make the necessary cuts.
- Listen, I will do anything.
I need this job, sir,
I'll do anything-
- Anything?
- Anything, you name it,
you say it, I'll do it.
- Anything.
- These four months I've
been living outta my car.
I've been sleeping in
a f*cking car, sir.
- Think I might have something
for you, this one house.
(soft ominous music)
- Alright.
- The Amityville House.
- Oh.
- We haven't been able
to give that place away.
You know, it has
a history about it
and nobody wants
to even touch it.
You heard about that
devil-worshiping cult
that used to live there?
Lately, it's been run down
with hippies and squatters.
- I promise you, sir, I will
sell the house no matter what.
Listen, I will sell that
house if it f*cking kills me.
I'll sell that house
if it is the last thing
I f*cking do, okay?
I promise you!
- This is your last chance-
- I'm gonna sell it, I'm gonna
sell it. Don't worry don't
worry.
- Okay, don't f*ck it up.
- Sir, I'm gonna sell it.
Big wiener dance.
Sheri, I just got
the Amityville House.
- Yes, I heard, congratulations,
I'm so happy for you.
- Come on dance with me.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- I'm so happy for you.
- I'm the big wiener!
So, you know, Sheri.
- Yeah.
- Do you think maybe
now you can finally,
after all this and my, you
know, getting this house,
you'd finally consider
going out on a date with me?
- Oh, Rich, I- I don't know.
- And being my official
girlfriend, my, my lady friend?
- Yeah, look, Rich,
you are a nice guy.
And I'm kind of into
like the bad boy.
Well, but I-I- I
could be a bad boy.
- (chuckles) No, Rich.
- I could be Bad Rich.
- I'm sorry.
- But what about the kiss?
We had a- a great
kiss at the party.
- We- we did have a great
kiss, and that was so amazing.
I had such an amazing time
getting drunk with you,
and I was really drunk.
But I'm really happy for you
and I think you're
gonna do amazing.
- Well, you know what, Sheri?
One of these days I'm gonna
find a girl just like you
and I'm gonna get her and
she's gonna be my girlfriend.
And you know what?
You're gonna wish you
were my boyfriend.
- Sure, okay.
- Just- just consid-
consider it, right?
-I'll consider it, yes.
- You got a, I have a chance.
Okay.
- I'll consider it for you. Yes.
You guys are not gonna
believe what I just got.
I just got the Amityville House.
Yes, the Amityville
House, I got it.
- Bullshit.
- No, not bullshit.
You know what, Allen?
Know what everybody?
I am sick and tired of all
of you looking down on me,
making fun of me,
giving me grief
about everything in my life.
For once, for once I have
something good happening for me.
So don't you bring
me down now, Allen.
I'm excited about this.
- Come on, calm down, I'm your
friend.
- Shut the f*ck up, Bruno,
I am not talking to you.
I am talking to Allen, quiet.
First thing I'm gonna do,
because I
know I'm gonna become the
manager, or the assistant
manager, you're fired.
I'm gonna get you
outta here so fast,
you're gonna be on the street
with all those ladies
you like
so much.
Have fun with them,
Allen, have fun
'cause you're outta
here, bye-bye.
I got the Amityville House.
That house is famous, Mom.
I'm gonna have enough money
to buy myself my own house.
You're gonna be
outta the trailer
and I'm gonna be outta
this f*cking car.
I- I'm sorry I said the
F word again, I know,
but I'm just, like I
said, I'm just excited.
I'm excited, this is like
the first time I told you
about that time when that
woman gave me the blowjob.
I- I know, Mom, I shouldn't
tell you that again,
but I tell you everything,
we talk about everything.
(soft ominous music)
(soft ominous music continues)
(soft ominous music continues)
(ominous music rising)
(soft ominous music)
(chilling music)
(gate clinking)
(chilling music rising)
(chilling music fading)
- Sir, sir, come,
come, come down!
Come down, come, come down!
This place is bad,
you go in there,
you will never be the same.
The reputation of
this place is bad!
- Sir-
- You go in there,
you will not come out!
- Sir, I'm the realtor, I'm
trying to sell it!
- I'm trying to tell you!
Do not go in there,
I warned you!
- Oh-
- I warned you!
- Yeah, warning me, I have
to sell the place, okay, sir?
Just go away, you
crazy old fool, Jesus.
(soft ominous music)
This place ain't that bad.
(soft ominous music fading)
Oh, this is pretty cool,
this is actually nice.
Look at this place, I
definitely can sell this.
This is a hell of a fireplace.
(gentle music)
Look at this thing.
Yeah, this is f*cking great, ah.
Why doesn't this place sell?
I got it made here, I'm
selling this, this is nothing.
Hey, you come with the house?
How you doing? Yeah.
I'm gonna call you Ronnie.
So now you're my cat, okay?
(gentle music)
Man, look at this bathroom.
This is a great classic.
Nice sink, I mean, there's a
little bit of touch-ups I need,
but it's a hell of a nice
shower, look at this.
And you can take this off
and put it here, here.
This is a hell of
a selling point.
Check this place out,
this isn't that bad.
It's got a lot of,
it's even got a slide.
It's like, whoa.
Yeah, I can sell this.
I mean, some dirty
sh*t everywhere, trash,
but I can clean this off.
Yeah, the bar is full too.
I'm gonna have some good
times in here, yeah.
This, I- I- I
definitely gonna be able
to sell this f*cking place.
I don't know why
nobody wants it.
(gentle music continues)
Yeah, this place
really is great.
There's no way I
can't sell this place.
It's got all kinds
of crazy sh*t.
I little scale, I mean,
they just left everything.
I don't understand, why can't
they sell this f*cking thing?
I'm gonna sell it, I- I- I'll
have this thing sold in a day.
- Alright, so that's what we
have to do with the property.
Okay, so that's what
we're talking about, Mr.-
Hell-
Allen, what- what are you doing?
- He's not gonna sell
that house without my help.
He's a loser, he's
gotta have help.
- Let it alone, Allen, okay?
You know the guy
sleeps in his car.
That's the point,
that's why he got
the Amityville House, not you.
- There's no way
in hell that loser
is selling the house without me.
- Why don't you go check on him,
make sure he's okay, all right?
What're you staring at me for?
(soft ominous music)
And learn how to make a
fax for Christ's sake.
(ominous music)
(door knocking)
- The hell?
(soft ominous music)
The hell?
- Hey, Rich.
- Allen, what the hell
are you doing here?
Don't you know I was brought
on to sell this house?
You understand that?
This is my house!
I'm selling the Amityville
House, not you, Allen.
So why are you here?
- I felt really
bad about the way
I was treating
you at the office,
so I thought, what should I do?
I know, I'll help
you sell this house.
- Allen, don't you understand?
I was brought on
to sell the house.
The whole point is for me
to prove myself to the boss
so he understands that
I'm a vital employee,
that there's a reason for me
to be there so I'm not fired.
If I do not sell this
house, Allen, I am fired.
I am on the streets for good.
I won't even be able
to afford my car.
I'll be f*cking homeless, Allen!
- I'm here to save
you from that, buddy.
Nobody has to know that I
helped you sell this house.
And all you gotta do
is take all the credit.
You know, you move on up,
you get outta your car,
you make a life for
yourself, and what do you do?
At the end, you're throwing
me a little something.
- Allen, I'm not giving
you any f*cking money.
I do not need your help,
so f*ck off, Allen, okay?
Leave, f*cking leave!
Go away, Allen, f*ck off!
- You need my help-
(door slams)
You need me and my help.
- f*cking as*h*le.
(soft ominous music)
(slow pounding)
(soft ominous music)
(door creaking)
What the hell, it's 3:30
in the f*cking morning.
You do not just
barge into someone's
f*cking house
without permission.
Do you get that? Okay?
(soft ominous music continues)
- Oh-kay.
- Okay, go.
(soft ominous music continues)
Okay, le- leave now, okay?
(soft ominous music)
(Richard breathing heavily)
God, what the f*ck?
- [voice] It's here.
- Oh god, why can't I move?
I can't move, I'm paralyzed!
- Samebito! Samebito!
(words echoing)
(Richard exclaiming)
(mysterious man cackling)
(Richard screaming)
What is going on with me?
I'm losing it.
(phone vibrating)
Good morning, Mr. Jones.
- Wake up and get to work.
I told you I want
this place presentable
and spotless in three days.
Remember, the open
house in three days?
- Sir, I just got here.
I- I- I- I just got here, I- I-
- You're already behind.
I told you, I want
this place presentable
for the open house,
and I want it now.
- Okay, sir, okay, sir, I'll
get it done, I'll get it-
- Get to work now!
(phone clicks)
- So...
You think he's really
gonna sell this house?
- Who? Richard?
f*ck no.
He couldn't sell
crack to a bunch
of crackheads in a crack house.
- Maybe he'll surprise you.
- I highly doubt it.
Maybe you can surprise me.
(Sheri moans)
- How am I gonna sell this
f*cking house in three days?
If I don't sell this
house, it's over for me.
I won't be able
to have anything.
- [Richard's Dad] There's all
kinds of stuff he could do.
- [Richard's Mom] He could
go door to door, maybe.
- I don't think, people might
slam the door in his face.
He's too big for that.
- Oh, I don't know.
- He might intimidate people.
- Well, anyway, if he lives
here, at least we have a
handyman here.
- Yeah, see, he's
a little bit doppy.
He's a left-handed, you know?
And- and I've seen
his work and he,
he doesn't screw
in a light bulb-
- You know, we shouldn't
have this conversation
with him in the room.
- Oh, he knows it.
- Yeah, Dad, I know, I
know the family's all full
of f*ck-ups and I get that.
But don't you seem to understand
I wanna prove you all wrong,
if the whole family's
full of f*ck-ups?
And maybe I'm the one non
f*ck-up in the family,
I wanna also prove myself wrong-
- You can always come
back home and live
with Dad and I if
things don't work out.
- You know, you- you- you
gotta know when to say when
and I think you've
taken a crack at this,
but it's just not your bag.
- I can sell a house
by myself, I can do it.
- Look, Richard, enough.
Look, it's fine, just move
the f*ck back in, who cares?
It doesn't make any difference.
Move the f*ck back.
- There's no problem, if
you wanna come back home
and live with dad
and I, that's fine.
It's, there's no problem
if things don't work out.
- Do you not get it?
I need to sell
this f*cking house.
Oh my god, I can't.
- Let's just get this done with
move back in, f*ck this all.
I got stuff to do, I'm gonna
make some more pottery now,
I'm so nervous, let's forget it.
- Honey, I love you, but your
pots were mediocre at best.
- What was the matter
with those pots?
I thought they were nice.
- They were cracked and leaked.
Hell, on one occasion, they
dripped all over my crotch
and everybody thought
I pissed my pants.
- I need to sell
the f*cking house,
not hear about f*cking pottery!
- You know, f*ck it.
You can work just
about anywhere,
in the service industry,
make subs, who cares?
We'll be fine, we'll
help you find a job.
- What do you mean
another f*cking job?
I don't want
another f*cking job!
I wanna keep my f*cking job.
You guys are absolutely
f*cking worthless.
No f*cking help.
- I don't see you doing a lot of
stuff either.
- I do all the stuff.
- No, no, you can't get on
a ladder and stuff either.
- Well, who wants,
what do you want me
to get on a ladder for?
- I don't know, I could
look up your skirt.
- Well, I'm not doing that,
I don't wear skirts anyway.
- Yeah, kitchen
needs a lot of work.
This is an old dated sh*thole.
I mean, look at
these old things.
This fridge is ancient.
Oh, Richard, you know the one
number one rule of old houses,
you don't open the
fridge, ya dumbass.
He says, see, oh, but you know,
if I could just wipe it down,
you know, I'm
literally shining sh*t,
but you know, it's
gonna be better.
Oh my god, I don't know if
this is helping or hurting.
f*ck, I'm gonna have to
replace this whole pane.
Oh, the shower,
it's a nice walk-in.
Oh, look at this, I got
a little scrub brush.
Things like this, like
this down here.
(birds chirping)
(insects buzzing)
Now this, this is a sales point.
Wow, a grape tree.
Very bitter, but
they'll be good soon.
(distant metal thumps)
What's that noise?
(distant metal thumping)
(soft ominous music rising)
(metal tapping)
(chilling music rising)
(soft chilling music)
Ahh! Ow!
(doorbell chimes)
Now who's at the f*cking door?
(door knocking)
- Oh, uh, hi, hello.
- Hi.
- How can I help you?
- Well, I saw the for-sale sign.
Could I come in and
check the house out?
- Um, well, I'm not really ready
to show the house right now.
Could you come back
a little later maybe?
- Oh, I'd be really fast.
I just wanna come in
and check the place out.
I've heard it has so
much history, you know?
- The history, history,
history of this place,
okay, if you want, can be
really, you can be really quick?
- Yeah.
- And you think you wanna buy?
- [Guest] I do.
- Okay, come on in, let's go,
but we gotta be quick though.
Shut the door behind
you, don't forget.
You'll let the
stink out, come on.
(guest chuckles)
You know, you don't leave the
door open, come on, you wanna
see the tour? I'll give you
the grand tour of the place.
- Wow, this place is amazing.
- I know, it's pretty
cool, I- I like this place.
- So what's your name?
- You can call me Rich.
- Well, I'm Rainn.
- Oh, hi, Rainn, that's
a very interesting name.
I don't know if I've heard
anyone called that before.
Come on, you wanna see some
more? Let's look at it.
- Oh, thanks, Rich.
- [Evil voice] k*ll people. You
gotta
you gotta-
- No, no!
- Feed on their flesh to live.
- What?
- You gotta k*ll 'em!
- No.
(indistinct Evil voice)
- f*ck, f*ck the police-
- [Rainn] Um, are you okay?
- [Evil voice] k*ll that b*tch.
- I'm sorry, Rainn, you're gonna
have to come back
another time, 'm not feeling
good.
My head's all f*cked
up, I do not feel right.
- Well, look, my friends have
this really cool podcast,
and they would love to talk
to you about the house, I'm
sure, and you would
you'd have so much fun.
- A podcast? Rainn,
I don't do podcasts, I'm a
realtor.
What do I do on a
f*cking podcast?
- Well, I could help you clean.
Look, it looks like you
need some help cleaning.
You could buy me
a drink, you know.
- Oh, oh- oh, okay,
I- I- I could do that.
- All right, don't
forget, beer's on you.
Thanks, Rich.
- Okay, bye.
- [Evil voice] You wanna sell
this f*cking house
You gotta stop being
such a little b*tch.
People have to
respect you, Richard.
(soft ominous music)
- What's going on
with my finger?
I don't feel right.
(Richard groaning)
(Richard thuds)
- Oh my god, so that was Rainn.
- Uh, okay, what
is she up to now?
- She has a really big lead
on the Amityville cult.
- All right, all right,
if she means a lot to you,
all right, I'll do it.
- That means a lot to you.
- Okay, I'll do it.
(alarm beeping)
All right, we're
rolling in one, two...
- So I'm Jessica.
- And I'm Mitch, welcome to-
- "The Conspiracy House."
- "Conspiracy House."
- Today, we're talking about
all things haunted houses.
- Before we start,
I want you to smash
that like button and subscribe.
- [Allen] You wanna hit a bar?
- You must be really lonely
if you want to hang out with me.
- No, I'm really horny.
And I think we ought
to go to the bar,
pick up some drunk chicks.
- (sighs) Alright,
fine, fine, fine.
- All right, let's do it!
- Fine.
Alright, I'm driving though.
(upbeat punk rock
music muffling)
- Cheers.
(glasses clink)
(upbeat punk rock music)
- So, are you
feeling any better?
- (sighs) I'm starting to
feel a little bit better.
It's just that house.
It's like every single
day is one weird thing
after another weird thing.
It's nonstop weirdness
there, I'm telling you.
That is a weird f*cking house.
- Well, everything about that
house pretty much is weird.
- Yeah, it is, it's very weird.
Weird is the capital letter
of the name for that place.
- But you wanna hear
something crazy?
- Crazy?
- Supposedly, there is this
hidden apartment in there.
- Bullshit, I have been
in every single nook
and cranny of that entire place,
cleaning it, wiping
everything down.
I think I would've come across
a hidden apartment in there.
I mean-
- No, I'm serious.
Okay, so there's this cult
that hides out in there,
and they do all their
weird ceremonial stuff.
- Cult, the Amityville
House has no cult.
You're telling me
there really is a cult?
- Yeah.
- Real?
- Yeah.
- I mean, everyone's telling
me about this cult.
- No, they call themselves, the
Children of Samebito.
- Wait, wait a minute, Samebito?
- Mm-hm.
- I heard that name in my dream.
- Wh- what do you mean?
- I told you all the
weirdness that's going on,
the one night I came across
this really weird old man
in the house, and
I found something.
I found this weird
shark-like statue thing.
- Wow, you're serious?
Can I see it?
- Anytime you want,
but listen though,
you know, you did
express interest in,
you know, buying the house, so-
- I did.
- So listen,
I have three days
to sell that house-
- I know.
- Only three days,
that's it, and-
- I wanna buy it.
- And then you know what?
I'm fired, I have no job.
So if you come by,
you have to come
with a plan of buying the house-
- You gotta show me the shark.
- I'm gonna show you the shark,
and then, you know,
you buy the house.
- Okay, let's cheers.
- Cheers.
(upbeat punk rock music)
So what about sharks, like,
do you like sharks? Are you
like,
what's your favorite shark? Like
you know,
let's hear about your shark.
- I don't even think
about that ever.
So I couldn't tell you, but-
- Oh my god, it's my
as*h*le coworkers.
Those guys are horrible.
- Well, what's
wrong, what happened?
- They're terrible, they're
the biggest assholes ever.
I have to work
with those morons.
- [Evil voice] Stop being a
b*tch.
It's time for you to
make yourself known.
- Can I go one place
without you bothering me?
I'm bothered all
day at the office,
now you're bothering me
at the bar, what the hell?
You don't come here, what
are you doing here, Allen?
- Okay, maybe you guys
should just leave, you know?
- [Evil voice] You f*cking
moron.
- Yeah, get outta here, Allen.
- What are you trying to do,
impress her with
your DVD collection?
- No, no, get the-
- Guy's got b*tch t*ts.
Choke him out.
- Get the, get the f*ck
outta here now, okay?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- When I tell you to get out-
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- And I tell you something,
you f*cking do it!
- What the f*ck, pal?
- Maybe you should leave.
- I'm sorry, I- I don't
know what happened.
I don't know what's
coming over me.
- Rich, come on, man.
- I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
- Allen, let's go.
- Allen, listen, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to do it, okay?
- [Evil voice] You gonna let
him talk to you like that?
- I don't know what's
going on with me.
- [Evil voice] Richard,
(snickers) k*ll him.
- [Richard] I shouldn't
have done that.
- No, that guy totally
deserved it, he was-
- You don't understand
though, he worked with me.
He's gonna tell my
boss, I'm gonna be fired
and I'm gonna lose the
house and everything.
- No, I don't think it's
as bad as you think.
I think it'll be fine.
- I'm worried about it.
I f*cked up, I know I did.
- No.
Do you think I could
still see that shark idol?
- Yeah, I had a
feeling that that,
that's what you
were coming by for,
the shark idol.
- No.
- You and the shark idol.
But listen, if I show
you the shark idol
and I get it for you, does
that help sweeten the deal
to get you to buy the house?
- Yeah, of course.
- So you're considering buying?
- Mm-hm.
- Okay, I'll go get
you the shark idol,
if that's what it
takes, I'll be back.
- Well, it's a good
place to start.
Aw, kitty, you're so nice.
(cat growls and hisses)
Oh.
(Richard's shoes clatter)
Ooh.
- I have to tell you though,
the second I found this thing,
I pricked the sh*t
outta my finger.
Right after, nonstop
weirdness in this house.
I have been seeing
things, hearing voices.
Do you think you still wanna
hold this f*cking thing
you wanna see so much?
- Yeah, I do.
- Okay, your funeral.
(soft chilling music)
You know what it is?
(chilling music rising)
- You know what,
I made a mistake.
There's some really bad
energy on that thing.
I don't think you should
f*ck with it anymore.
In fact, I gotta go.
I think you should too.
You should just get the
f*ck out of this house.
- I cannot get out of
the f*cking house, Rainn.
I have to sell the house,
or I lose the f*cking job!
So you get the f*ck
out and leave, just go!
- Richard, a job
is not worth it.
- Just f*cking go, go!
- Alright, fine, I'll
get out right now,
but I'm coming back
tomorrow to check on you,
and you should really think
about what I just told you.
- Yeah, do whatever the
f*ck you want, I don't care.
(sighs) Ronnie, oh, Ronnie.
How am I gonna sell
this f*cking house?
Do you have any ideas, Ronnie?
I am desperate.
- [Allen] You gotta
fire that as*h*le.
- Why would I do that?
- He assaulted me, look
at my f*cking throat.
- Well, maybe if you didn't
pick on him all the time,
he wouldn't have
knocked you on your a*s.
- You got a problem?
- Hey, she's got a point.
After all, he did
whoop your a*s.
(Sheri laughs)
- Look, I wanna sell
the Amityville House.
That guy is outta control,
he needs to be fired.
- Uh, no, Allen-
- Shut up, you bimbo b*tch.
- What?
- Bimbo b*tch?
Now get the f*ck outta here
before I kick your a*s.
- f*ck you!
f*ck this job!
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, Barry.
(soft ominous music)
(door knocking)
(ominous music rising)
(door pounding)
- Now who's at the door?
Can I have one day
with a little sleep?
(door knocking)
(door clattering)
(door creaking)
- Rich, you f*cking
as*h*le, you got me fired.
After you did this to
me, Mr. Jones fires me!
- Rich-
- Rich, what the f*ck?
- Rich, what did I do to you
to get you f*cking fired?
- That f*cking as*h*le fired me
after I told him what you did.
- Well, that's probably
because Mr. Jones
likes me better, Allen,
that's all it is.
- He doesn't like you better.
He doesn't give
a sh*t about you.
He wants this house sold.
- I'm, I'm sorry, you
have been a good friend.
I know you pick on me,
but we're friends, Allen,
and I'll let you have the house,
but
maybe you could just gimme
like a couple bucks from it.
But I'll let you have it, I
promise you, scout's honor.
Let's go now, let's
go have a drink.
Come on, come on, come
on, let's have a drink.
- You better not
be f*cking with me.
- I'm not f*cking with you,
Allen, you're my friend.
- [Evil voice] You gotta k*ll
him.
- Wee!
- You've been stepped on and
walked on all your
f*cking life, Richard.
It's time for you to k*ll.
- That was fun.
- Okay.
- Alright, I'm ready.
- You know, Allen,
I'm really sorry
about strangling you
and all that stuff.
Million-dollar question,
do you want a big shot
or a little shot?
- Oh, a big shot.
- A big shot for a big guy.
So Allen, do you
have any lady friends
or any guy friends or
significant others?
I- I don't know a f*cking
thing about you, Allen.
That's the crazy
thing, I know nothing.
- I pick up chicks every
once in a while at the bar.
The rest of the time,
I'm just working.
- You're working all the time?
- All the time.
- I bet you're just probably
working the shaft a lot, right?
Yeah, that's all you're working.
But would you like a
cherry for your drink?
- That sounds a little fruity,
but it might be nice.
- Okay, I'll look for it.
- [Evil voice] k*ll that
m*therf*cker.
- [Richard] Look for where
the f*ck that cherry is.
- [Evil voice] k*ll Mr. b*tch
t*ts!
- You know, today was kind of
a bad day and you were fired?
- Oh yeah.
- Well, I got a little
something to tell you.
- Oh yeah?
- There's a little more to the
story here.
- What's that?
- Well, you're
also lunch, b*tch!
You're going to
stop abusing people!
(flesh squelching)
(thunder clapping)
You b*tch!
(soft chilling music)
The house is a mess, how
can I sell an old jalopy
like that in three days?
It's not possible.
- Calm down, Richard. We're
gonna get through this together.
Just tell me what's going on.
- I've been hearing things,
I've been seeing things.
I've seen this really
old man, and he's crazy.
And then I found this, this
shark statue type thing.
I touched it and pricked
the sh*t outta my finger.
It turned black.
- (scoffs) Richard, this
is some kind of joke?
Your finger's fine.
- There's more to it,
I'm hearing voices
that are telling me to k*ll.
- Richard, are you getting
enough sleep or something?
Like what, the normal
person doesn't see this.
Look, as much as I would
love to try to help you,
is something that
clearly needs the help
of somebody more professional
and perhaps even
some medication.
- I told you that, sir, this
is not the way I was before.
This just happened.
- Okay, I think we're done here.
- Hello, Yolanda Rivera, back
here at the Amityville House,
which seems to be
a horror house,
but they're actually
selling it right now
for $1.2 million,
newly up for sale.
So if you're looking to buy,
you could get in on
this amazing house,
which we hear is also haunted.
We have Mr. Jones from
the realtor group here
to tell us about the
house, Mr. Jones.
- Hey Yolanda, how are you?
Good to see you again.
- Now, I know you've
been in the house.
Has anything creepy ever
happened to you there?
- No, aside from the plumbing
not working yet, you know,
other than that, it's, you
know, it's fine, you know.
I got my best man
on the job, Richard.
He's, he's really good,
and he's gonna get it in,
in tip-top shape, and
we're gonna be ready
for the open house
in three days.
- And we have the realtor here
to give us a sneak
peek at the house.
Um, uh, so when are you
doing tours of the house?
- Oh, you just
come on by anytime
you wanna see the f*cking place.
I'll show you the
whole f*cking thing.
- Uh, you- you
cannot curse on air.
We are so sorry for-
- Yeah, yeah, f*ck you.
Hey, how you doing?
- Any young viewers watching.
Um, camera guy, I think we
should just cut this right now.
- Yeah, keep it going, don't be
a little p*ssy b*tch, come on.
Don't be a little p*ssy.
- Okay, he's getting really kind
- I'm- I'm- I'm not
feeling safe right now.
- You're not feeling
safe around me?
- Can I have,
- Are you afraid I might touch
'em?
- No
- What you worried about
something?
- Yeah, don't touch them, no.
- Alright, what are you, what?
- No.
(mumbling)
- Alright, guys, I am so sorry.
Yolanda Rivera here in
Amityville, Long Island-
- So whaddya wanna do, you
wanna come by and see the house?
- Uh, I-
- You wanna come inside?
- No.
- I'll show you the basement.
- I'm good.
- You wanna see Samebito?
- Who's Sam-pito?
- Samebito.
- You're gonna like Samebito.
I could turn you into it.
- Okay, alright, guys, thank
you for watching so much.
Yolanda Rivera here for
Amityville News and, um, Richie.
- Yeah, and Richie.
- Richie.
- Come on, baby, let's go.
Come on, let's go, come on.
- [Yolanda] Help!
- If he does move in, in
here, I- I'm a little nervous.
He's got some
serious-a*s anger issues.
- I know-
- Make sure
to lock up anything sharp.
- Well-
- And the hammers-
- Hammers? That wouldn't do-
- Hell, he could
bludgeon me to death too.
- Well, I wouldn't upset
him then, don't upset him.
(Bruno grunting)
(woman moaning)
- Oh, damn.
(grunts) Oh!
Oh.
(Bruno grunts)
(Bruno grunts)
(Bruno moaning)
(woman grunting)
(Bruno gasping)
(woman moaning)
(grunts) Oh!
- Okay, I had something
really important to tell you,
but I guess I'll come back.
- You didn't tell me you
had redheads in your house.
- The f*ck are you
doing with him?
He's an as*h*le.
You know what, I don't
even care, like, whatever.
- Hey, I know that redhead. Hey!
Don't I recognize
you from the bar?
(woman exhaling)
(woman laughing)
Wait, wait, wait, hold on,
hold, hold, hold on, sorry-
- Hey, what do you want from me?
- Look, I want to, who
are you, by the way?
- Why are you with Esmeralda?
- I gotta put my pants back up,
but any-
- Ew.
- Look, I- I can explain
everything, okay?
- I don't care.
I was here to talk to her about
something really important.
It was actually about
your friend, Rich.
- What do you know about
Richard by the way?
Why not?
- Why do you care?
- Because he's my
friend, that's why.
- Okay, that is my friend.
And I don't know what
you're doing with her,
but I don't like it.
- Alright, look, look, look,
she seduced me in a bar.
Honestly, that woman just
basically ate my face.
- You're disgusting,
you know, I need to go.
I have-
- Let me buy you a drink.
Just stop, stop my head hurts.
- Let me buy you a drink.
- Please-
- Come on, let's go to a bar.
- Don't-
- I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be touching
you, you're right.
- What can I do to make
you leave me alone?
- 10 minutes in a bar.
Come on.
Okay, nine minutes.
- Alright, alright-
- Please.
- Fine, fine.
- Eight minutes please.
- Alright, okay.
- Please.
- Alright, let's go.
- Thank you.
(upbeat punk rock music)
See, I'm not a bad guy.
Took you to your
favorite sh*thole.
I'm sorry for everything.
- Well, that remains to be
seen if you're a good guy.
But this is actually my
sh*thole, so, you know.
(punk rock music continues)
This is actually my
sh*thole, so, you know.
- Look, Rainn, I know
you're not interest...
Can I help you?
- You mind if I join you?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Come on, just one question.
- Why?
- Why?
- Dude-
- Look, if I can guess
the color of your panties,
can I buy you a drink?
- Oh my god.
- Wait, wait, I'll
save you the trouble,
they're black, bye.
- Really?
- I was gonna guess they're red.
- Okay.
- Why?
Do you want me to
get rid of this guy?
- Easy, easy, it's a special
talent I have, come on.
- I'm sure that it
is, but I'm good.
- Dude-
- You guys are a rough crowd.
- I'm not wearing any,
if that helps.
- It doesn't help
anything at all.
- Alright (sighs) how
about one more drink?
Just one more drink
to say thank you,
I'm sorry for being a d*uche.
- No, you know, I, I
think I need to go home.
But thank you, this was lovely.
- Thank you.
I'm just, thank you, Jesus.
- Dude, you are a real dicklet.
- I'm just really lonely, man.
- Hey, watch it, wise guy!
- Wise guy?
I will rip your heart out
and eat it, m*therf*cker!
- You want me to cut
him, Allister? (sniffing)
- You guys are crazy,
I'm outta here.
- Hello, Bruno.
- What'd you, what'd
you f*cking say?
What, who are you?
Okay, what- what is this?
Seriously, I'm not
really in the mood
for this f*cking sh*t right now.
- Well, we are.
- We have plans for you.
- Big plans.
- Okay, no, no guys,
I really gotta go, I-
- If you scream,
my friend here's
gonna cut your
f*cking ba*ls off.
- Then I may or
may not eat them.
- What? That's gross.
Get off me!
- You're coming with us.
- What kind of a
sh*thole is this?
(soft ominous music)
- Oh sh*t, oh sh*t.
(door creaks)
(soft ominous music continues)
The hell is this place?
Who the hell are you?
- Welcome home, Richard.
Have you checked inside
the kitchen pantry?
(distant voices groaning)
- Let me outta here!
(electricity hissing)
Come on, come on, come on, let
me out!
Let me out, let me
out, let me outta here!
Let me the f*ck out.
Come on!
(gasps) Oh my god, what is
with these f*cking dreams?
(door clattering)
What the hell is this?
I know it's a cupboard,
but this f*ck goes back.
Wait a minute.
What the hell is this?
It's like a tunnel.
(soft ominous music)
(door creaking)
Oh my god, I found it.
This is the hidden apartment.
This is the thing that crazy
old fool was telling me about.
(mysterious man laughing)
(thunder clapping)
(Richard's voice
echoes and distorts)
(thunder rumbling)
What the f*ck is happening to
me.
(ominous music)
(thunder clapping)
(door clatters)
- Hello?
Is anybody home?
Hello?
- Um, excuse me, what the f*ck
are you doing on my property-
- Easy, big boy, I'm Gary Shaw,
the number one real
estate agent in the state.
What is all that
all over your face?
What did you do, cut
yourself shaving?
- Yeah, I cut it kind of bad.
But honestly, Gary Shaw,
best agent in the
state or whatever,
you do realize that
this is my house?
I'm the one that's gonna
be selling the house.
Why do I need you?
- Let's just say I have
an offer you can't refuse.
- This place, so how are you
gonna help me sell this place?
'Cause I need to sell it
and I'm running out of time.
- Yeah, well, I've
looked around,
and I don't know.
I've seen a shitload
of violations.
- Wh- wh- what do you
mean violations, sir?
I- I have been in here
cleaning everything up.
There's no violations here,
it's just an old f*cking house.
- I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to
report it and shut you down.
This house isn't fit to sell.
- You cannot report it, sir,
I need to sell
this f*cking house.
I need this money, I need
to keep my f*cking job!
- Alright, Richie,
alright, relax.
Maybe we can work something out.
You give this place to me
and I won't report any of
the violations, alright?
- I can't report, I can't
turn it over to you.
I have to sell the house, I
need the money for the sale.
- Let's see what's going
on in the basement.
- No, no, no, no, not
the f*cking basement.
I told you, we're not
going in the basement.
We're not going in
the f*cking basement!
- Now this looks like fun.
Wee!
It's great, but
it's a violation.
- So that's what the
best realtor around does?
Bullshit like this?
I told you not to come
in the f*cking basement.
(ominous music)
I did not stutter, why
won't you f*cking listen?
- Richard, I have
to see everything.
Look, for instance,
the electrical lights,
they're old,
they're a violation.
- All of this is violations.
You are supposed to
be here to help me
and it's all violations!
- The bar is a good point,
that's a selling point.
Let's look at the
rest of the basement.
- No, you're not
going back there!
I'm telling you-
- [Evil voice] Don't let him
go back there, Richard.
- I'm coming back there.
- Stop going back there, okay?
- [Evil voice] He don't listen!
- You got this great area,
what are you talking about?
What the hell is this?
- No one ever listens.
- What's going on?
What is this?
- k*ll him, Richard, k*ll him.
- Is this some kind of prank?
(Richard screaming)
- Die, m*therf*cker! (growls)
(Richard growling)
(flesh squelching)
- Yeah, bite his f*cking nose
off, Richard, yeah.
Keep on biting, Richard.
(Gary screaming)
(Richard growling)
- The story goes
that some cult people
took the rubble from
the Amityville House.
Now they're rebuilding it
in Southern California.
f*ck, man, they even
turned it into an Airbnb.
Now people are missing.
- [Evil voice] They
don't know sh*t.
- Quiet down, I'm
trying to figure out
what's happening to me.
- I mean, they've been talking
about this ever since Mesatomia.
I mean, ever since the first
f*cking human, you know?
The ones inside caves,
the ones that write?
The ones in the first pictures.
They always had people
with animal heads
like a shark or a goddam goat
or a f*cking goddam jackal,
doesn't f*cking matter.
This is real, man.
It's so f*cking real.
Amityville House is still alive.
And now sharks.
Samebito's coming!
- Yeah, they don't know sh*t.
These vloggers don't know sh*t.
They're just trying
to get views.
(fart honks)
(water plops)
(toilet flushing)
Grapey, grapey,
grapey, grapey
Grapey (spits) grapey
Right where I left you,
Samebito.
- [Samebito] k*ll people.
You wanna let me help
you sell the house,
you gotta f*cking k*ll.
- What do you mean, I-
- k*ll 'em.
- I am not a k*ller!
- You gotta k*ll 'em.
You gotta k*ll 'em, Richard.
You gotta, you gotta
feed on their flesh.
- What is this damn thing?
Why does it keep talking to me?
Why does it keep telling me what
to do?
Stop it, I'm putting you back.
- [Samebito] Stop
being such a little bi-
(wind chimes clinking)
- Rainn, you're not focusing.
- I don't know
what to do though.
It's too late anyway,
it doesn't even matter.
He's already k*lling people.
It doesn't matter.
There's nothing we can do.
We should just call the police.
- Listen to me.
We no, no police.
Do you want to save your friend?
- Yes, well, what do we do?
We're not strong enough.
- We have to do this.
They'll lock him up
and throw away the key.
Even worse, they'll
sh**t him dead.
- No.
What are we gonna do?
What do you wanna do then?
- I have a friend.
- A wereshark?
You mean like a
werewolf? (scoffs)
- Not quite like a werewolf.
They have, and- and whiskers.
This is like a shark, like,
and he has a fin and- and- and,
and then the big teeth.
Anyway, Martin, you are
the only one that can help.
He's a good man, he needs you.
You know what you must do.
I wouldn't be here if
it were any other way.
Please, you must believe me.
- You can't be serious here,
possessions, weresharks,
whatever she's doing
there, what are you doing?
- (sighs) Helping
a, a lady in need.
That's what we're here for.
- Yes, sir.
- Yeah, we have to fight the
demonic forces in this world.
Whatever form they take.
- All right.
- Thank you, Dad.
How are things?
- It's good to see
you again, Essie.
- How come you never told me
that you used to
cast out demons, Dad?
- Where do you think you
got the gift from, son?
I was a traveling
exorcist, Martin McKinney.
- Traveling?
- All over the world.
I don't take this lightly, son.
But a true exorcism is
extremely dangerous thing.
- The Lord will protect me.
I do not fear the enemy.
- Never listen to
the demon, son.
And never lose your cool.
The demon will make you angry
to get inside your head.
And he may even tempt
you to commit sin.
But never lose your
faith in the Lord.
- Amen.
- Up here, hello, welcome.
Come on in, door's on the side.
- Okay, let's go.
- [Rainn] How are you?
- I'm so good, how are you?
- Thank you for
coming, by the way.
- Of course. Will you come on?
- No. (mumbles)
- Hey guys.
- Okay, so this is
my friend, Esmeralda.
- Hi.
- And, uh, she actually
has some really strong
ties to the other side, so.
- Sure she does.
- We were talking,
and that house that I was in,
it's actually got some
really horrible energy.
And we believe that there's
an evil entity in there.
- Yes, we believe
that the shark idol
that Richard has found has-
- Ooh.
- A strong connection
to the cult that used
to live in the house.
- Those aren't
haunted, by the way.
- Oh, these are
f*cking terrible.
- Are you serious?
- Oh, geez!
- Jesus, boy, these are my
great, great, great, great
great grandmother
100-year old recipe.
- I'm sorry, I'm so
sorry, they're delicious.
They're just a little dry.
- What?
- He's rude.
- 100-year-old
recipe, how dare you?
- I'm sorry, they're good.
- This is amazing.
This could be exactly
what we need right now.
- Or it could just
be a waste of time.
- (scoffs) Okay, listen,
if you do this for me,
then when we get home tonight,
I will blow you so f*cking
hard that your head will spin.
- Shh.
- Alright, alright, alright,
yeah, yeah, we'll-
we'll do it, we'll do it.
- We're in.
- Thank you.
What I'd like for
you guys to do is go
to the house, go in
there, find the idol
and let me know what you think.
- Show us the idol.
- Please Lord bless this
child who comes to you today.
You are the king of the king,
you are the lords of lords.
We beseech you today,
please save this child.
Demons, I cast you out
of this lady today!
Go back to the gates of hell!
Leave!
(woman grunts)
Come back-
- Oh!
- Come back child, come back.
And you shall be reborn.
(woman gasps)
She is reborn.
- Hallelujah!
- [All] Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
- Praise the Lord.
- Thank you, Jesus.
- She's reborn!
- Thank you, Jesus.
- God is high.
- It's not us,
according to the Bible,
that we're all
inherently evil, no.
It's the forces behind us,
the demons that
actually influence
each and every one of us.
Some of the historical figures
like Hitler, Mussolini.
So if you feel the
call, come on up.
(door slamming)
- Who's this?
- Hey guys.
I'm here for the open mic night.
- [Pastor] Speaking of which-
- I've got a really great
audience in the house tonight.
- We have a demon amongst us.
- Where I belongs.
- Oh no.
- Hey, Father, let me have
the stage for a minute.
f*ck off, dude.
And you f*ck off too.
Hey everybody, the
show's about to begin.
So you wanna hear the real
sermon?
Take this sh*t and put it down
here.
So how's it going?
I am Samebito, how y'all doing?
Oh, hey, you wanna see
something really disgusting?
Check this out, pull my finger.
Come on, come on, pull.
(Samebito farting)
(diarrhea splashing)
(worshiper groans)
(sniffs) Yeah,
stinky, whoa, yeah!
- Jesus Christ.
- You're the devil!
- Ooh, you're like sh*t.
Ooh, you're like a chick. I like
it.
- You're doing
terrible things, sir.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Accept the Lord.
- You're my therapist.
I know you, I'm
going totally crazy.
How you doing?
- He's gotta go.
- You got glasses too.
f*ck, it's you!
- He is sick.
- You're one weird m*therf*cker.
Ooh, you're really blind, dude.
- Sir, you're disrupting
my congregation.
Get out the our house!
- I spot a wig, my little eye!
Nice wig, wiggly b*tch.
(toupee pops)
(worshipers gasp)
- Oh!
- Yeah.
Now I got a full head of hair.
I'm stylin', wiggity,
wiggity, wiggity.
- Sir, you're gonna
have to leave.
This is a house of God, sir.
- Oh, oh!
- We see you're on drugs.
You're gonna have to go.
- Get outta here.
- You gotta, you gotta.
- f*ck y'all, wiggity.
(soft ominous music)
- Come on, come on.
Alright, hurry up,
watch it. (grunts)
(soft ominous music continues)
Alright, here we are, guys.
This is the Amityville House.
- Oh my gosh.
Okay guys, we made it.
You can definitely feel
the vibes in this house.
It is creepy as anything.
Oh my gosh.
- Wow, this is real.
- I think I was hearing voices
when we were downstairs.
- Sh- sh*t, look over there.
- What? What?
- (laughing) Just playing.
Relax, alright, alright, look.
- He's not gonna
make it out alive.
- Listen, the girls
always die first.
- That's not true, look at this
hair, maybe you're the girl.
- Ooh, snappy.
Listen, I'm gonna go and
look around the house
and I will see if
I find this stupid
medallion-idol bullshit.
- It's not stupid, it's real,
so you should be careful.
- It's stupid, alright, guys-
- It's not stupid-
- Let's go.
- It's real.
- It's fake.
- Watch it.
- You watch it.
(soft suspenseful music)
Here's the Amityville
bathroom, guys.
Oh wait, we have an
Amityville loofah.
And a pimple.
(Jesica's screaming muffling)
Hey, Jess, Jessica?
Jess. Ooh.
Hey babe, I didn't find sh*t.
This place is a
fake f*cking house.
I don't think there's any
idol in this f*cking place.
Jes!
What the f*ck, who are you?
Yo, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Yo, get the f*ck off me!
Help! Jesica! Jess!
What the f*ck, get
the off me, man.
What the f*ck is going on?
Jesica, help! Somebody!
Help, somebody help me!
What the f*ck is that?
(cult member growls)
Get the f*ck off of me!
sh*t blood, m*therf*cker.
- Come on, get in here!
- Don't, don't!
(cult member grunting)
(chilling music strikes)
- Get off me, man!
Get off me, you little b*tch!
Get the f*ck off me!
Somebody help me! (screaming)
(cult members laughing)
(chilling music strikes)
(cult members laughing)
Jessica!
- Let this go viral.
- (screams) Jesica!
- Let this go viral.
- Bring in the young virgin now!
I want to impregnate
her with my seed.
Jessica! Jessica!
No, let her go, let her go!
(soft ominous music)
- Whoa!
You are tainted!
You're not a virgin,
you're no use to me!
(old man groaning)
- Jessica! Leave her alone!
Jessica!
(bone crunching)
Hey!
No! Jessica!
Jessica!
What did you do?
- Cletus, can I go now?
- What did you do?
What did you do?
- Let me cut him.
- Jessica!
(flesh squelches)
(grunting)
(cult members laughing)
(cult members snarling)
- Grapeys, grapey,
grapey, grapey grapey.
Mm, yummy, they're great!
Stop being such a little b*tch,
you little as*h*le, Richard.
That's why no one
f*cking likes you.
- [Richard] Everyone likes
me, they don't like you.
- [Samebito] And Sheri hates
you. She put you in the f*cking
friend zone. She hates you
'cause you're a little b*tch!
- Samebito, Sheri likes me,
she, Sheri likes me, Samebito.
Cut it out, I know she likes me.
- Sheri, are you here, girl?
(door creaking)
The bad boy's here.
Rich isn't the same anymore,
he's a bad m*therf*cker.
- Oh yeah.
- Barry.
- Mr. Jones!
- What the-
- What are you
doing with my b*tch?
- [Mr. Jones] Who the
f*ck are you, man?
- Have I changed
enough for you, Sheri?
Am I bad enough, am I a
badass m*therf*cker for you?
- Get your a*s outta here, man.
- Richard, is that you?
- Yes, it's me girl.
Do you like me?
Do you like the new me?
I'm a cool m*therf*cker.
Watch your a*s, man.
- f*ck, man.
If you don't get your
a*s up outta here-
- What are you gonna do?
I'll twist you t*tties,
I'll titty-twist you.
I'll twist your t*tties-
- Yeah? I'ma fire you a*s, how
'bout that?
- Yeah,you
ain't gonna fire sh*t.
- Eat sh*t.
- No.
- No, no, why don't
you eat sh*t, big boy?
Come on, come on,
bend over, bend over.
Ready for your rectal exam?
(winding fist whipping)
(Sheri whimpering)
(flesh squelching)
(Mr. Jones screaming)
Whoa, I bet you got
a lot up there, big boy.
We're gonna get through this.
(Sheri screams)
(Mr. Jones screaming)
Wow, wow, stretchy!
Whoa, you got some
nice intestines.
Whoa, check it out, Sheri.
(Sheri whimpering)
You got some, your lover's
got some nice intestines.
(Sheri gagging)
Mm, it's like bowl of
butt churros, mm-hm!
Take me out to the ball game
Mm, yummy, yummy, want some?
(Sheri gasps)
You gotta come with me now,
come on, back to my pad.
(soft chilling music)
(Mr. Jones exhales)
(soft ominous music)
(traffic whoosing)
(soft ominous music continues)
Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.
- Where are we?
- We're in my house.
You know, the Amityville House?
The one that I can't sell
for the f*cking life of me!
That's where we are, Sheri.
- Wh- what are we
doing here, Richard?
- You're here because
I'm gonna k*ll you
and eat every last
f*cking bit of you, Sheri!
- Rich, you don't wanna do that.
I mean, you know I
always liked you.
We always had something.
I mean, something
really special.
Don't you remember that night?
- Oh, you mean the kiss?
- [Sheri] The kiss,
remember that night?
- Oh, I remember that night.
- [Sheri] Yeah.
- Well,
would you like something
kind of like that again,
but maybe a little
bit different?
- Um-
- How about a bite?
(Richard hissing)
(soft chilling music)
- Richard (screams) Richard!
No, get off of me!
No! (screaming)
Richard! (screaming)
- [Man] It was like the
bathroom at school or some sh*t.
- Yeah. (laughing)
- I tell you that,
that f*cking wh*re, we call her
f*cking Finger
Cups for a reason, alright?
(men snickering)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- b*tch, I'll tell
you right now,
I, I would never
touch that b*tch.
And I'll f*cking tell you what,
oh no, because this f*cking
b*tch, this f*cking wh*re,
even f*cking little
Bobby got a piece
of that a*s.
- f*cking right, dude.
- Yeah, f*cking dough
boy over here, right?
You f*cking, you know, punch him
in the f*cking gut and
he goes, "Woo-hoo!"
- Yeah, that- that- that, yeah,
that f*cking as*h*le.
- f*cking...
f*cking god, sh*t-
- f*cking Jessica, man, I mean-
- f*cking Jessica, what the
f*ck is wrong with you?
- f*ck it. (chuckles)
- Come on.
- [Richard] Excuse
me, how's it hangin'?
- What the-
(chilling music strikes)
Who the f*ck is this guy?
- What the f*ck is this?
- Who the f*ck are you?
- Nice team.
- What the f*ck are you, hey,
get the f*ck off me, dawg.
- Who the f*ck are you, dude?
- Get the, what?
- Oh, the Hawaiian shirt.
- Who are the-
- You like Hawaii, b*tch?
- What the f*ck, dude?
Am I like f*cking
tripping ba*ls like-
- And you, you look like
the host of some food show.
You a host something,
trying weird food, dude?
(snickers) Weirdo.
- Diaper f*cking face.
- You have diaper face.
f*cking diaper face over here.
- f*cking guy.
- What the f*ck, diaper face.
- Am I tripping ba*ls, or
there a diaper face-looking
m*therf*cker with
sh*t running outta
his f*cking mouth?
- You're so full of
sh*t, it's coming out of-
- So are you guys
having a party here, you know?
smoking a little weed, doing
some drugs,
doing some nose candy?
That's what you guys like.
- Dude, are you a cop?
- Man, what the f*ck?
- I ain't no cop.
- How the f*ck did you get here?
- I just walked in,
I'm your new neighbor.
- Who the f*ck are you?
- Can I ask you-
- Who the f*ck are you?
- Don't worry about who I am.
Question, you guys getting sick
and tired jerking
yourselves off?
- What the f*ck kinda
question is that?
- How about the hand
of a dead b*tch?
- What the (screams)
- What the f*cking sh*t?
(men screaming)
- (screaming) Get it off!
- What the f*ck is this?
- Dude, what the f*ck?
What the f*ck, oh!
- Jesus Christ.
(men screaming)
(bone crunching)
(men screaming)
(men screaming continues)
- No, (whimpering) f*cking
diaper face, you son of a b*tch!
- Thanks again for the great
time, guys, and the drink.
Oh, and the nose was great.
- What the f*ck-
- Bye-bye.
(cicadas buzzing)
Uh, hello, is this
Lady of the Night?
Oh, hi, uh, uh, Rich
is a little horny, uh,
he needs to lose his virginity.
So, uh, how long
till you can be over?
He wants to go all the way.
Yeah, I'm at the
Amityville House.
I'm getting really
horny, and hungry.
So I appreciate you coming out
(normal voice)
here so last minute 'cause
uh, I really needed you.
I needed you now,
every last bit of you.
(escort chuckles)
So, uh, so how much?
How much is it gonna be
for you for the night?
- Um, well, what
happened to your face?
- Oh, uh, my face is
nothing to worry about.
I was at the dentist's,
got some molars done.
It's nothing you need to worry
about, everything's fine.
- Okay.
- So how much for you?
- (giggles) uh, well, normally
I do about four grand,
but I think for you maybe 1,000?
- So with 1,000, do
I get everything?
Every last bit of you?
(soft ominous music)
I mean, everything?
- Uh, yeah, whatever
you want, baby.
- Okay, then let's go,
I'm ready for everything.
- (chuckles) Well,
how about we start off
in the shower,
clean you up a bit.
- Okay.
- And then, uh,
we can go from there?
- You can clean me
everywhere, let's go.
- Okay.
- Come on, let's go.
(soft ominous music)
(shower rustling)
(soft ominous music continues)
(door thumps)
(door thuds)
(soft chilling music)
Ah, breast meat, I like.
(escort screaming)
(Richard snarling)
(Richard grunts)
(escort screaming continues)
(flesh squelching)
(escort whimpering)
Nice ear, b*tch! (hissing)
(escort screaming)
(soft chilling music)
(door pounding)
- Let me in!
(door thuds and creaks)
(Richard grunting)
Oh, Jen?
Daddy's home.
(door knocking)
Where's my f*cking girl?
(Richard whimpers)
What the?
(Richard screams)
(Richard moaning)
(Richard screaming)
You're f*cking dead!
Get the f*ck off me.
(Richard grunts)
- Remove the pimp's power!
(Cletus cackling)
- [Pimp] No, get
the f*ck off of me!
(flesh squelching)
(pimp groaning)
(pimp screams)
f*cking b*tch! (screaming)
- Get in there.
- f*cking, f*ck, no-
(pimp gagging)
- Choke on it, pimp.
You're a dickless
pimp ain't worth sh*t!
(pimp gurgling)
(chilling music)
(flesh squelching)
(pimp groaning)
(chilling music continues)
(flesh squelching continues)
Ah. Ah.
(Richard laughs)
(Richard screaming)
(chilling music rising)
(soft ominous music rising)
- [Esmeralda] What do you see?
- I don't know.
I don't know what,
there's like a man.
There's like an
old f*cked-up man.
- Those are visions.
- What are you talking
about, Esmeralda?
- Focus on them,
close your eyes.
Let them come to you.
- Have you checked inside
the kitchen pantry?
- He's pointing at...
He's pointing,
at the pantry.
I think he found that apartment.
- Can you take me to it?
(door knocking)
(soft ominous music)
(door creaks and clatters)
- Rich? Ri-
(soft ominous music)
(lights clicks)
Okay, it's in here.
- It's very strong here.
- It's this, this is it.
- Focus on it.
I help you.
- f*ck. (grunts)
(door clattering)
(soft ominous music)
Are you gonna come with me?
- I'll be right behind you.
- Alright.
(soft ominous music)
Richard?
Oh, it's Rainn.
(chilling music strikes)
(Richard snarls)
(Richard screams)
- So you still wanna move
into the Amityville House?
- No! (whimpering)
- Stop, Richard.
This is a truth stone.
The power of the
stone compels you.
Focus on it.
(Rainn sobbing)
I can help you, Richard.
But you have to trust me.
Rainn, come here.
(Rainn whimpers)
- No, no-
- You can do this, Rainn,
come here now, take my hand.
- [Rainn] No, I
can't. (whimpering)
- [Esmeralda] Now,
give me your hand.
- No, no, I can't.
- You can do this.
Here, gimme your hand, hold it.
- I can't, no-
- Focus on it,
you can do this, trust yourself.
Take him to the bedroom-
- What are you doing?
- Take him to the room,
I'll go get the priest.
(ominous music)
(soft ominous music)
This way, Martin, come on.
This is the place.
And there's the gate.
- Are you ready, son?
- The Lord is with us.
- It's time to watch
your daddy go to work.
- Follow me.
(door clatters)
- If things get real
heavy, it's all Matilda.
May the Lord be with you, son.
(exhales) Amen.
(soft chilling music)
- This way, guys,
come on, Martin.
Be ready, this place
is, is very special.
Hurry up, Martin, this
stone is paralyzing him.
I can only hold it for so long.
- Hey, Priest, how's
it hangin', b*tch?
- God, grant me the power to
remove this unclean spirit!
- Keep trying, b*tch.
That doesn't do sh*t.
Check this out, the new me.
(Richard hissing)
(Richard screams)
Hey, Priest, meet Samebito,
b*tch m*therf*cker!
- Daemonium...
- Daemonium...
- Corpore...
- Keep trying, you ain't
gonna do sh*t with me.
Samebito's here to stay!
- I command you by
the power of Christ
to crawl forward and be crushed
by the crucified Christ.
(Richard hissing)
Cast yourself out
and be crushed by Christ,
crushed by the Holy Spirit.
I cleanse you with the holy
waters of the God of all.
Unclean spirit!
- Ah, where-
- It's working.
- Oh my God.
- Where, Rainn, where am I?
- [Martin] No,
that's what he wants!
Don't trust him, it's a trick!
- Rainn, I'm- I'm- I'm-
- That's what he wants,
don't listen to him.
- Deceit.
- [Richard] No, no,
I'm normal, Rainn.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- You wanted to buy
the house, right?
- Hey, hi.
- Rainn, hi, Rainn.
- [Bruno] Don't believe him,
don't believe him.
- It's a trick!
- Hey, come here.
- Hi.
- What happened to me?
- Don't go near him!
Stay away!
- Come here, it's okay.
- I said no!
- You're okay.
- We had a good time
at the bar, right?
- [Martin] No, Rainn, no!
(chilling music)
(Rainn screaming)
(Esmeralda laughing)
- Tastes good, b*tch!
(Rainn screaming)
Yummy, yummy in my tummy.
Oh, Priest, take this.
(Richard hissing)
- You b*stard!
(Esmeralda laughing)
- Yes, yes, come to me.
- Evil creature!
(Martin reciting Latin)
Die, you f*cking fiend!
(Martin screaming)
- Jesus Christ, Priest,
get the f*ck off me, b*tch!
Oh, stroking out, old man.
- Damn you, demon!
- b*tch, took you by the nuts.
(Rainn sobbing)
- [Martin] You have to die!
- [Richard] Yeah, f*ck you!
(Rainn loudly sobbing)
(chilling music rising)
- Die, b*stard!
- Why am I in this
bed, what's going on?
- You're too far gone.
(g*n fires)
(Esmeralda loudly wails)
(Martin reciting Latin)
- Coming with us, old man.
(Martin reciting Latin)
- Hey, Samebito, no!
Samebito.
No. (sobs)
(soft dramatic music)
(cult members wailing)
- What happened to him?
- [Cult Member] What
did they do to him?
(soft chilling music)
(hands clapping)
- It's coming!
It's coming, it's
coming, it's coming!
Samebito is about to be born!
(Sheri whimpering)
Samebito!
- No, no! (whimpering)
Where- where am I?
(Sheri wailing)
(chilling music)
- He's here, he's coming!
He's gonna be here,
he's gonna be here!
Samebito, come!
Push.
(Sheri wailing)
Push!
(Sheri wailing)
Push I say!
(Sheri wailing)
- Samebito!
(Sheri screaming)
Time for you to live.
- Help me! (wailing)
- Now show them
what I bring here!
(Sheri screaming)
Samebito!
(Cletus applauding)
(fabric tearing)
(Samebito roaring)
(Sheri screaming)
(Samebito squealing)
Oh, that's Samebito.
(Sheri screaming)
Samebito.
(Sheri exclaiming)
Oh, yes, Samebito, Samebito.
Mwah!
(Samebito squealing)
(Sheri screaming)
Samebito.
(Sheri screaming)
I thought I heard
a baby cry today.
And his name is Samebito!
(hands clapping)
(upbeat punk rock music)
(upbeat punk rock music)
(upbeat punk rock music)
(upbeat punk rock
music continues)
(upbeat punk rock
music continues)
(soft chilling music)
(chilling music)
(chilling music continues)
- Here in this community,
people are talking.
And what are they talking about?
They're talking about
the Amityville House.
You see, there's been
so many disappearances,
so many missing person
cases on the rise here
in this community that
it's driving people mad.
- Listen, everyone
after on the info webs,
I'm gonna hit y'all with
some straight facts, no cap.
Y'all ever notice all these
strange deaths
that go "unsolved?"
Well, they're not unsolved.
They are all the result
of the k*ller Shark Man.
- Hello folks, this is
Lovable Larry Laxative,
coming straight to you
from my V-log forum.
This week, we're
gonna be talking
about the Amityville
Shark House.
Now, there's been a
lot of cult activity
going on in that house.
There's rumors about
some supernatural
things going on as well.
- Demons, 17th century
demons to be precise.
A small village called
Gettysburg was plagued
by dark entities taking
over the population.
- There was even an
exorcism done there once,
and you know, the-
the priest came back
with a gigantic tooth.
The- the tooth the- the size
of a machete blade almost.
So, you know, and
it- it was a shark,
a carcharian carcass, you
know, that kind of thing.
So, you know, this- this
kind of thing happens.
Anyway, we were
playing truth or dare,
the game got pretty heated.
You know, we're hoping that
the dares would escalate.
And these, these
are adult dares,
and of course there's some,
there's some adult beverages
and some- some little twisty,
smoky things there, you know.
- I said, "Going
once, going twice,"
door behind me slams,
screams are heard.
All a sudden,
there's no windows,
the door's locked,
everything's black.
And I just hear screams and
laughter at the same time.
And thunder and lightning
inside the house.
I kept feeling things.
I kept feeling pokes
and jabs at me,
and I was like, oh my god, I'm
never gonna get outta here.
I said, timidly, I
said, "Uh, 22, uh, 50?
Uh, forget the tip."
I said, "Uh, I just gotta
get paid for the pizza,
you know, and I'll be on my way.
Uh, you know, I don't wanna
even know what's going on here."
I feel a shove and I fall
face-first into the pizza.
- You don't believe me?
Well, my pop pop, who is
the smartest person I know
in the entire galaxy,
told me all about the Shark Man.
And if you wanna disagree
with what my pop pop says,
then I guess we're just
gonna have to throw down.
- People are making complaints
about the Amityville House
saying that people go
in and never come out.
People are living in the walls.
Now, there's no evidence.
There's no facts
that corroborate any
of these stories.
But one thing is for certain,
it has attracted quite the
following in this community.
- People living in the walls.
There's a curse
around the house too.
But that curse can supposedly
be taken care of
with a truth stone.
- She put together
a demon slaying kit.
Now, what is it made up of?
Supposedly, amethyst,
tiger's eye,
jade, ruby, opal, rose quartz.
- The- the- the light came
on real fast and I looked
and there was a shark fin there,
and it just completely
disappeared, you know?
And it was like crimson,
like red, bloody.
So, I mean, you know, you know,
why would you go in there?
Anyway though, because
Sally was so provocative
and we were all kind
of just a bit spaced,
a little bit toasted, you
know, a little bit of toasty,
you know, I mean,
toasty with the mostly,
it didn't really
matter, you know-
- But what gives it
that special kick?
Demon's blood, creating
the truth stone.
- And, uh, I got
pineapples up my nose
and anchovies in my
ears and it's a mess.
And all laughter and
screaming and shoving.
I could have sworn I was
thrown across the room,
but I was so dizzy and
my blood pressure was up.
'Cause you know,
I'm a little older
and my blood pressure goes
up a lot, you know, and-
- Locals in the
area are reporting
that they've been hearing
spine-chilling screams
in the dead of night, screams
that don't sound human.
Screams that send fear into
children and adults alike.
What could be causing
such horrendous screams,
- You think I'm kidding?
My pop pop saw the Shark Man
and the Shark Man is 100% real.
- Fanatics of the supernatural,
ghost hunters, people
into the macabre,
they've all arrived here
and some are saying
there's cult activity.
Now again, there are no facts
and only time will tell,
but one thing is for certain,
it's sure to be a
"cult"-ural phenomenon.
My name's Casey Anthony,
keeping you updated.
- So the- the truth
of it is, you know,
she dared Kent to go inside
the Amityville Shark House
for at least 15 minutes.
Just go in there and stay,
close the door behind him,
and we were gonna wait
across the street.
So we all walked over there
after he accepted the dare.
And of course, you know, he
was hoping that, you know,
when he dared her to
do something, you know,
things might get, you know,
ah, we won't go there.
- I start running around,
banging into furniture.
All a sudden, a mirror appears
and a ghostlike figure appears
in the mirror and goes, "Hoo!"
And I went (mimics exclaiming)
and I just start running again.
I bang my head into like a,
what are those things,
those coat racks?
Right into the coat rack.
I hit it, banged my head and
banged me in the privates too.
Oh my god, it wasn't ending.
So then all a sudden, the
windows started flapping open
and it was sunshine, it
was dark, sunshine, dark,
screams, thunder, lightning-
- Kent went into the house
and we waited across
the street for him.
And Sally got spooked.
I mean, there was a
sound, like a scream
or something after
about five minutes.
So we were both waiting
across the street
for him for his time limit and
I'm looking
at my watch going, you know,
it's not gonna be long now.
Kent's gonna be coming out
and then we're gonna
continue this game
and have some more
beverages and whatever else.
But there's a scream and- and,
you know, Sally ran off, so-
- I'm freaking out a
little bit over here.
I'm outside the Amityville
Shark House right now.
I can't believe I'm here, but.
I wanted to make a vlog
to keep all you up to date.
It's super scary over here.
- Sally ran away and I was
standing there, you know,
just kinda shivering
across the street,
watching, you know, the
Amityville Shark House,
waiting for Kent to come out.
You know, I'm, you know,
we're- we're best friends.
I'm waiting for
him, he's my buddy.
I'm gonna back him up, you know.
So, you know, he went in
there and we heard a scream.
She disappears, I'm waiting,
and waiting and waiting,
and Kent never comes out.
- This stone was
incredibly strong
and was able to match
up against the demons
that day and cast them out.
Next massive uprising of evil,
let's just hope that it's handy.
- That's right, if you can
get a hold of a truth stone,
you just might be okay.
And that's all from
Lovable Larry Laxative.
Tune in next week.
- He never came out.
I- I coulda sworn I
saw a gigantic mouth
with- with teeth
when- when the scream.
But Sally, you know, I
was trying to talk to her
and she was, she was all crying
and going crazy and everything.
And you know, teeth, you know,
giant, great white teeth
snapping shut in the window.
So anyway, I'm waiting
and waiting and
hours pass and hours.
You know, the- the game
of truth or dare is over.
And again, this was an
adult game of truth or dare.
This was not, you know,
Donna kissing Sammy
in the play field, you
know, like the old days.
This was really, we were
hoping it for it to...
Ah, nevermind on that-
- Finally, okay, so I'm
moving back to the door,
moving back to the door.
I said, "Forget the
pizza, forget the tip."
The pizza, all a sudden,
it had like, maggots in it
and like things were alive.
The anchovies were
laughing at me
and the pineapples were smiling.
Okay, so then I walk back.
I'm walking to the back
of the door, it opens.
I'm shoved out and a
big laugh is heard,
like, (mimics snickering)
So then I said, "That's it."
So I get in my car and, uh,
I'm running to the pizza shop,
and, uh, the car won't start.
So now I'm sitting here
waiting for triple A.
- There has been a report
of a woman attacked
at a house here in Amityville.
Details are sketchy,
but an eyewitness claims
that her wounds were
those of shark bites,
shark bites inflicted
within the house.
We cannot confirm this beyond
what the witness has
anonymously reported.
We will keep you updated
on the woman's condition
as the story develops.
- I don't know what's going
on, I'm just reporting,
and stay away, stay away, and
hopefully things get better.
Hopefully things get better.
- I don't- I don't- I don't
know what to tell you,
but I'll, I will never
go near that place again.
I still live in the
neighborhood, you know,
I deliver food
and stuff, but if,
if I have to go around
that house, in driving,
you know, I'll go
blocks around that,
I- I won't go anywhere
near that house.
But something crazy happened
there with my buddy Kent.
He went in the house, never
came out, completely gone.
- I'm telling ya, the whole
Amityville House, it's evil.
And the only thing
that'll protect ya
is a genuine truth stone,
available now on my website
for four easy payments
of 59.95, accept no substitutes!
(ominous music)
(gurney clattering)
- Hey, hey,
what's going on, man?
- Who we got here?
- Got another stiffy.
- He's a big boy.
- Oh, yeah.
- Gotta stop banging
them around, get him up.
(body thuds)
- It's heavy.
- You're gonna love this one.
Alright, man, you
have a good night.
- Yeah, I love the smell
of bodies in the morning.
- (chuckles) See
you tomorrow, man.
- Alright.
(ominous music)
(soft chilling music rising)
(examiner gagging)
(Samebito groaning)
(examiner gurgling)
- It was a good
night out there, Pop.
You could feel the Lord
in the house tonight.
- I bet it was, son. (sighs)
But it's still been a
tight month on the rent.
People are just not
giving like they used to.
- Have faith, old timer, the
Lord'll get us through this.
God almighty will help us
weather this storm, always does.
- Amen to that, my boy.
I feel something coming our way.
But the Lord is our
rock and our salvation.
- Praise Jesus, that's
the bishop I like to see.
(bibles slap)
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Amityville Shark House (2023)
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