01x05 - Outbreak

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

[Barf exclaiming]

Thanks for recommending a diet for Barf.

You think he can stick to it?

[scoffs] Fat chance.

Here, take this. It's Yenta's yogurt.

Your wife makes yogurt? Is it good?

Nah, it's disgusting. It tastes like curdled swamp.

One spoonful, and you'll never want to eat anything again.

So only use it in case of emergency.

Goodbye, Lone Starr. Good luck.

Thanks, Yogurt. So long.

[sniffs, groans in disgust]

Welcome to bowels of Spaceballs II, sir.

Ah, such deep, dark bowels.

Perfect for a deep, dark ship.

How come I've never been down here before?

We remodeled, sir.

The bowels used to be on the main floor,

not down here.

But that didn't make any sense,

so we changed the bowels.

So you moved your bowels? Hmm.

-How long did that take? -Months.

[chuckles]

The canning is nearly complete.

[Dark Helmet] I see. Yes, of course,

they're adding the, uh, uh, fizzy bubbles.

No, sir. The soda is already carbonated.

They're adding the Ebola and the E. coli.

I knew that.

Of course, they're adding the Ebola and the E. coli

to enhance the flavor.

No, sir, to make Ecola,

a deadly soda that will k*ll our enemies.

Obviously,

they're making a deadly soda

so that we will k*ll our enemies,

so we can...

In order to...

That's pretty much it, sir.

We just want to k*ll our enemies.

Well, duh! What am I, a moron?

Once we k*ll them, they'll all be dead!

And all with a refreshing twist of lime.

[both laughing maniacally]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Good catch.

[retches]

Where's all the root beer?

I poured it down the drain.

You heard what Yogurt said, no more soda for a week.

But I dehydrate easily.

Which reminds me, never leave me in this thing

with the windows rolled up.

Barf, if you don't start eating better,

you're just gonna get fatter and fatter.

I'm not fat, I'm just huge boned.

Why don't you have a glass of milk?

I'm lactose intolerant.

Then have some orange juice.

[sniffing] I'm fructose intolerant.

[wind whooshing]

Then just drink some tap water.

[groans in disgust] I'd rather dehydrate.

[women giggling]

-Skrooby-dooby-doo! -President Skroob.

-What? -Aah!

Stop that! Give me some warning.

-My fly might be open. -It is, sir.

Oh, thank you. [zipping pants]

-[exclaiming] -[Skroob sighs]

The Ecola shipping is underway.

Good, good. Excellent.

As soon as people start drinking this stuff,

the universe will be mine.

But, President Skroob, if Ecola is so deadly,

how do we get people to buy it?

Simple. The boob tube.

[Skroob on TV] Need to quench your thirst?

[women] Mmm!

[women giggling]

[Skroob] Ecola, delicious Ecola.

Once you taste it,

you'll never drink anything else.

♪ Ecola ♪

Must drink Ecola.

I... I got to go to the bathroom.

So go in the back.

No, no, we're... We're out of toilet paper.

You have to go number two?

Yeah, number one and number two.

And if we don't stop soon, it's gonna be number three.

[groans]

Closest place to stop is Planet Moron.

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.

All right, fine. I guess we could use some gas.

Oh, thanks, boss.

I just hate going to Planet Moron.

They're always trying to k*ll us there.

I gotta go!

Ecola, Ecola, Ecola, Ecola, Ecola, Ecola, Ecola.

Ecola!

Whoo-hoo! Lots of Ecola!

[laughing]

Sheesh, they open up

the Arctic National Fossil Refuge for drilling,

and gas is still starbucks a gallon.

Wow! You made it through the gas mart

without buying any soda.

I'm proud of you, Barf.

Hey, I bet you could give up junk food, too.

[sniffing, groans in disgust]

Wow! [chuckles]

No more burgers or fries or chocolate-covered egg rolls

or egg-rolled-covered chocolates.

And then we'll sign you up for yoga in the mornings

and Pilates in the evenings.

[soft chuckle] Look at you, you're looking thinner already.

[air hissing]

[gulps]

[retching]

Ooh, ooh.

[gulping]

Ecola, Ecola, Ecola, Ecola, Ecola, Ecola!

[retches]

[gags, retches]

-[gagging] -[siren wailing]

[retches]

Anything to drink, sir?

Yes, can we please have two glasses of pino...

[gagging]

[retches]

[woman exclaiming]

Kid, we'll always have...

[retching]

[woman exclaiming]

[children giggling]

[farting]

[imitating Zircon] Oh, Skrooby, I've been such a fool

to resist you for so long.

[in normal voice] Yeah, you were, you dopey Commander Zircon,

but now you're all mine.

[imitating Zircon] And I'll be yours forever, you huge important president.

[in normal voice] Ooh! What a big vision you have.

Yeah, the better to screw--

Skroob, sir.

Whoa! What the...

Why don't you knock? Nobody knocks anymore.

Full-scale emergency.

There's been an outbreak

of a highly infectious disease in Spaceball City.

What disease?

We don't know yet, sir.

Well, how was it spread? How is it spreading?

Is it airborne, waterborne,

insect-borne, firstborn, last born? How?

Worse, it's barf-borne.

Barf-borne? That's disgusting.

Put the victims in quarantine.

Yes, sir.

And prepare our contamination suits.

Make sure yours is very tight so no disease can get in.

I want to see every curve...

Very well, sir.

You'll come down to the quarantine ward

-as soon as possible? -Yeah, yeah.

Soon as I'm done working up here with you... Up here.

- Mmm-hmm. -What?

I trust you'll handle things professionally?

I've been handling things before you interrupted me.

I'd like to go back to handling them again,

-if you don't mind. -Over and out, sir.

This is a man's job, Zircon,

so you'd better stick close to me.

Be careful in there.

There's barf everywhere and it's contagious.

Oh, ladies first.

[upbeat music playing]

[people retching]

Ew! Gross! It smells like Grandma's litter box.

What do you make of it, sir?

I've never seen anything this bad and I've seen it all,

the Great Purge, the Dry Heave,

the Intergalactic Barfluenza...

This is much worse.

A total barf-a-rama.

For the moment, we've managed to confine

the outbreak to the quarantine ward.

-But if we're not careful... -[beeping]

Whoa, trippy.

-...we'll all get infected. -[beeping intensifies]

Whoa, trippy.

Okay, let's blow up the quarantine ward.

Then we can go home and relax.

The quarantine ward is overflowing.

All of Spaceball City is infected.

Oh, my God, we have no choice. Blow up Spaceball City.

Sir, are you sure?

Yes, but make sure to save Marlene, Darlene and Charlene.

[beeping rapidly]

[sustained beep]

All of planet Moron is infected.

That was quick.

Prepare to go nuclear.

But, sir, that will destroy the entire planet.

Damn it.

Our only hope is to identify the disease

and generate antibodies from the host's blood.

Get us a barfalyzer.

You're very sexy when you're trying to contain

an infectious disease, did you know that?

Skroob, this no time for cheesy come-ons.

If we don't find that host immediately,

everyone will die.

[exclaims]

Then you and I will just have to repopulate

this crazy world all by ourselves.

Hey, we better start now.

The Barf Meter ,

the fastest barfalyzer on the market.

Here, come here, moron.

Barf into this barfalyzer.

[Dark Helmet exclaims]

Now, we just have to wait seconds.

-[air hissing] -Looking good, Barf.

My friend tried your diet

and he lost pounds in six minutes.

Ecola, Ecola, Ecola, Ecola.

Ecola!

Eight, nine, ten.

Right on time.

[man retching]

[Dark Helmet] Trippy.

E. coli? Ebola?

Aren't those the ingredients in--

Ecola on Planet Moron? That's impossible.

You shipped Ecola everywhere in the universe

but Planet Moron.

Exactly.

Nowhere in the universe but Planet Moron--

Wait. Oh, crap.

You shipped all the Ecola to Planet Moron?

You know, I knew something seemed wrong with that.

Moron!

Actually, I'm a Spaceball.

No, you're a moron.

How could you do something so stupid?

I have a low IQ and my parents were stoners?

Whoa!

[Zircon exclaims]

[screams]

-[Dark Helmet] Uh-oh! -Zircon!

[groaning]

Save yourselves, don't try to save me.

Okay, suit yourself. What a waste.

[groans, retches]

[grunts]

Hmm.

Look at this mess.

-Hmm. -We gotta find those shipping records.

Mmm-hmm.

What the hell are you doing?

The first rule of managing clutter

is to handle each piece of paper only once.

Oh, shut up.

"Spaceballs II, shipping records." See?

Give me that!

[sighs]

"Five tons of medical marijuana to planet Nebulon,

three tons of medical opium to planet Meldor..."

"Two giant watermelons with n*pples

to Dark Helmet's weekend home"?

Hey, those are work-related watermelons with n*pples.

Ah-ha! "All cases of Ecola to Motley Fuel."

[Dark Helmet exclaims]

[Dark Helmet groaning]

-Hmm? -Who bought all the Ecola?

[speaking French]

The Ecola, who bought it?

[speaking French]

[groans]

I don't speak Spanish.

Ah-ha! Barf!

Here, Barf. Here, boy.

[all murmuring]

Rats!

[grunting]

[scoffs] You throw like a girl.

[Dark Helmet sighs]

Oh, it's no use. He's not coming out.

Okay, let's burn the forest down.

Who's got a lighter?

[scoffs] What a pair of

tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber.

Let's call Lone Starr.

-[air hissing] -Barf, have you been purging?

[phone ringing]

[scoffs] Telemarketers.

[over answering machine] You've reached Lone Starr and Barf.

I'm out rescuing Princess Vespa

and Barf's probably on the can.

You know what to do after the beep.

[beep]

Was that the beep?

I don't know. Did you hear a beep?

[Dark Helmet] I thought I heard a beep.

Okay, start talking.

But if it wasn't the beep and I start talking, I might miss the beep.

Talk! Talk!

Okay, okay, okay.

Lone Starr, pick up the phone!

Oh, if it isn't my old nemesis, dork halfwit.

Hello, Lame Starr.

Whatever you're selling, I don't want any.

On the contrary, I think you do.

We've got your precious mawg.

[chuckles] Like I'm gonna fall for that old trick.

Barf's right here with me.

Oh, really?

Looks like he could use some inflating.

[gasps]

Hey, what'd you do to Barf?

More like what did Barf do to Planet Moron?

I'm warning you, Helmet.

[mocking tone] I'm warning you, Helmet.

Your pet is loose in our forest.

Find him, and we'll let you both go without k*lling you.

Helmet?

[sighing]

See, I told you I hate going to Planet Moron.

[heroic music playing]

[grunting]

Where's Barf?

He's in there somewhere.

Barf! Barfy!

Hmm, I see you didn't bother taking him to mawgie obedience school.

Barfolomew!

-Barfolomew? -Barfolomew?

[Dark Helmet] What's that?

It's a mawg whistle. It's worth a shot.

[whistling]

[wind whooshing]

What the hell?

[whistling]

[wind whooshing]

Oops! Wrong end.

[high-pitched whistling]

[Barf groaning]

What the hell is that?

Oh, no. Barf's been super-sized!

[groaning]

I've always wondered how fat you'd get if you drank cases of soda.

cases? But he's on a diet. He'll explode!

And infect us all with E. coli and Ebola.

E. coli? Ebola?

Hey, those are the ingredients in...

Ecola! He drank all the Ecola and ruined my evil plan!

I was finally gonna k*ll you guys!

Oh, so because of your stupid plan,

I have to figure out how to save us from certain death.

Thanks a lot.

Somebody better figure out something,

Mount St. Barf looks ready to spew!

[groaning]

I don't feel good.

Yogurt! Ah, you're a sight for sore eyes.

And just the right thing for an upset stomach.

I need your help. Barf's on a binge and about to blow.

Easy on the alliteration. Just use the...

Use the Schwartz, I know. But how do I...

Oh, you kids are so impatient.

I was gonna say, "Use the yogurt."

Use the yogurt?

-Of course, Yenta's yogurt. -[exclaims]

Of course! Yenta's yogurt!

This concoction has got so much bacteria in it,

it'll k*ll whatever you've got.

It'll k*ll whatever you've got?

What am I in, an echo chamber?

All right, if we can't create antibodies out here,

then we'll have to create antibodies in there.

How? How?

[Lone Starr whispering]

Why are we whispering?

I don't know.

Lone Starr, your plan is stupid and impossible,

but it's just stupid and impossible enough to work.

You're going out there just a kid in the chorus,

but you're coming back a hero. Do it!

Exactly. It's a long shot, but it might be our only shot.

Wow, Lone Starr, where'd you get that line from?

Every movie ever?

[scoffs]

[sniffs, groans in disgust]

Super fermented. Perfect!

[groans in disgust]

Okay, now use the Schwartz.

That yogurt may taste like crap,

but I hate to waste, so don't miss.

No problemo.

[honking]

Open wide, old buddy.

[burps]

[rumbling]

[groaning]

[retching]

[sighing] Even if this works,

Skroob and Helmet are still gonna try to k*ll us.

I hate coming to this stupid planet.

Ah-ha!

[all retching]

[all cheering]

[Zircon exclaims]

[Barf burps]

Look, Lone Starr. Let's get him!

Lone Starr, thank you for saving Planet Moron.

Now it's my pleasure to k*ll you.

Lone Starr! No!

[Skroob laughing manically]

[Barf] Ooh.

Handy, those inflatable replicas.

[chuckles] Thanks for saving my a*s, boss.

I'm just glad I happened to get you vaccinated against Ebola and E. coli.

I guess sometimes it pays to be absurdly overcautious.

Yeah, sorry for running off like that, it won't happen again.

That's all right, buddy. I forgive you.

But no more soda, okay?

Agreed. From now on, I'm only drinking water.

Sounds good. Welcome back.

[crow cawing]

[theme music playing]