03x03 - All's Fair in Love and W.O.R.M.S.

[bunniefuu]

[Zazzala] James Olsen,

are you ready to catalyze
a chemical reaction?

If so, join us at W.O.R.M.S.

I'm Zazzala,

CEO of the World Organization

for Romantic
Matchmaking Science,

a.k.a, W.O.R.M.S.

-[seductively] W.O.R.M.S.
-And this is my partner,

our chief biologist, Tazzala.

We found true love
through the miracle of science

and so can you.

James Olsen,

you're invited to our exclusive
matchmaking launch event.

Meet someone new!
Try our new dating app.

And electrify your love life
at W.O.R.M.S.

[Tazzala seductively] W.O.R.M.S.

"Scientific romance"?

Jimmy, please tell us
you're not...

Hey, Birdwatchers, guess
who's going to W.O.R.M.S.?

Jimmy, are you doing this
to get back at Kara

for taking your advice?

[scoffs] Lois, it's for work.

Flamebird isn't just
news anymore.

It's also a lifestyle brand.

Why don't you just stop
playing games and ask her out?

I don't know if you've noticed,

but Kara is dating
half of Metropolis now.

Which was your idea!

Well, I can't just sit around
and watch her do it.

[Lois grunts in frustration]

And if Kara happens to see me

with a bunch
of gorgeous scientists,

well...

I swear I remember

Perry assigning you actual work.

About the Distortionist?

The mysterious person
mutating people

with genetic manipulation?

Eh, that can wait.

Because Clark and I
are going to W.O.R.M.S.

-Yeah, I'm not doing that.
-What?

Well, so far today,
my Superman calendar is free.

Which means
my Lois calendar is booked.

Starting with
homemade breakfast.

[Lois] Um, Clark, what is that?

Oh, it's the model
I bought at the convention.

Pretty cute, right?

[laughs nervously] Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, is that us? Or?

It's not, not us.

It's our hypothetical farmhouse.

The one that we could
live in one day.

You... You remember?

Oh, I remember.

Just to see it now is...

You know what I remember?

How fun it will be
when Clark and I

roll into W.O.R.M.S. together!

-Huh? Huh?
-I'll drop you off.

But that's it.

Whoo-hoo!

-W.O.R.M.S.! W.O.R.M.S.!
-Hey, um, you good?

-[Jimmy] W.O.R.M.S.!
-[unconvincingly] I'm great!

[opening theme music playing]

[panting]

Stop! My purse! Thief!

[whooshing]

[panting]

[grunts]

Hold it right there.

Listen, I don't want
any trouble.

[thuds]

Uh...

Superman?

The name's Captain Hank Henshaw.

Don't mention it.

Uh, is that guy okay?

[man grunts in pain]

That thief got what he deserved.

But Superman...

Superman oughta be tougher
on crime.

[Lex on phone]
Nicely done, Hank.

How does it feel

to make the world a safer place?

Feels great.

Jimmy Flamebird,

did you know that hot dogs
come in chili variety?

That dummy doesn't deserve you
or your delicious chili dogs.

He's at a speed-dating event
trying to make you jealous.

Why would I be jealous?

I am a Kryptonian warrior,
as strong as I am beautiful.

Kara, I've been with Clark
for a while now,

so I know a thing or two
about relationships.

Jimmy's trying to prove
to himself

that he's just desirable
as you are,

which... [scoffs] good luck.

So it is a competition?

A game.

Yes. A dumb game.

Then I shall win this game,

and make Jimmy Flamebird
my Earth mate.

That's the spirit.

But first, you have to escalate.

Put yourself out there.

Oh! Remember Crushrush?

The romantic
telephone application?

Yeah.

Crushrush will get you
so many dates that...

That I will be victorious!

Ha, ha. All right.

Lois Lane, I, Kara Zor-El,
will defeat your Crushrush.

[camera shutter clicks]

[chattering indistinctly]

Wow, this is really...

[gasps] A lot.

Care to share first impressions?

We're doing promotion
for the app.

Amazing.

Robot waiters? VR date nights?

[high-pitched] What's not
to love about W.O.R.M.S.?

Yeah, I... I didn't sign
a release for this.

[Clark] Best of luck, Jimmy.

Bye, love you,
best friends forever.

-Time to find my...
-[woman] Soil-mate!

[seductive voices]
W.O.R.M.S., W.O.R.M.S.

I'm Zazzala...

And this is
your girlfriend, Tazzala.

Did I say something wrong?

[sighs wearily] We broke up.

There were
communications issues.

Is it 'cause she doesn't talk?

No! Don't let our star-crossed
love distract you

from your
scientifically-selected

soil mate.

I just hope your calculations
"add up" better than mine,

you know what I mean?

-[laughs]
-[woman] W.O.R.M.S.

[sighs] Anyway,
she's over there.

[Lois] Okay, Kara.

An important step

in building out a dating profile

is answering questions.

First up, "Describe yourself."

Warrior.

No, more like,
"What's your style?"

My style is a mix
of traditional Klukor

and modified Horu-Kanu.

Okay.

"Sporty."

Let's try some interests.

If you don't have any answer,
just say "Pass."

-"Favorite movie."
-Pass.

-"Favorite book."
-Pass.

"Mountains or ocean?"

Pass. No!

Pass.

I think you're gonna need
a few more Earthly experiences

before answering
these questions.

Ooh, are there
any experiences here?

[mooing sound effect plays]

New plan! Let's hit the town

and find out
what kind of things you like.

Yeah.

You ready
for a fun-filled Saturday?

Uh, Clark, I'm really sorry,

but something important
just came up.

We are going to punch the town.

"Hit the town."

Oh, okay.

Girl time.

I'll just, uh, work on the farm.

[newscaster]
Emergency at the waterfront.

Dogs are people
are trapped in a fire

at the Metropolis
Adopt on a Yacht event.

[Clark groans]

[dogs whimpering]

[blows]

[woman] Thanks, Superman.

We can always count on you.

It's my pleasure, ma'am.

[barking]

And my pleasure too, sir.

What's your
adoption policy like?

Easy!

Do you have a government ID?

[dog whimpers]

-I'll get back to you.
-[dog whimpers]

Jimmy Olsen,
founder of Flamebird,

friend of Superman.

I've been dying to meet you.

I'm so interested in your body.

Oh! [chuckles nervously] My.

Well, I, um...

Specifically, how much
has been exposed to Kryptonite.

Tell me.
Have you noticed any effects?

Not really.

Fascinating.

Doris. But my friends
call me "Gigi".

Jimmy.
But my friends call me Jimmy.

[chuckles softly]
I need to tell you, Jimmy,

I'm looking
for an open-minded person.

Well, that's me.

Good, because I tend
to change people.

-I'm open to change.
-Excellent.

[sprays]

Is there a...
[sniffs] smell in here?

Oh, I'm setting a mood. [laughs]

So, you've been to space,
too, right?

Has that affected you at all?

-Is that...
-Chocolate? Romance? Here.

And interdimensional travel?

Well, not recently, but... Ow!

What did you do?

Things are doing great
with Gigi.

No one's ever been this into me.

And hearing about it
will definitely make

a certain super someone
super jealous.

Ah, silly Clark Jr.,

you forgot your mitt.

[newscaster] This just in!

-Robbery at LexCorp.
-[siren wailing on TV]

Thankfully,
no dogs are involved.

Huh.

[newscaster continues] ...but
these super-powered bandits

pose a clear threat
to nearby civilians.

[Clark groans]

So. Tell me more about yourself.

Well, I do
investigate journalism

for the Daily Planet.

I'm actually
supposed to be looking

for the Distortionist right now.

You don't say.

But don't worry, I'll find him.

Nothing gets past me!

[screams] What?

What? No! No!

[howls] No!

To let Crushrush know you,
you have to know yourself.

Like I know me.

Today, I'll show you
Earth's rich culture.

We'll start with
the Metropolis Contemporary,

followed by
the history museum...

Lois Lane, what is that?

Oh, that's a mall.

There's nothing cultural
about that.

[cash register dings]

Ah, you were right, Lois Lane.

Earth's culture is so rich.

[Silver Banshee] Let's go!
Move it!

[clicks]

[scanning]

[thuds]

[Silver Banshee] Kyle!

[thuds]

Albert!

-[citizens yelling in fear]
-[man] Run!

[woman] Let's get out of here!

Hand it over, thief!

Look what you did to my

[loudly] friends!

[breathing heavily]

You're gonna regret that.

-[yells]
-[gasps]

I think we all need
to calm down.

I think you need
to get out of my way.

So...

I'm a wolf now.

I did have a feeling
something was up, but...

I didn't wanna run the vibes!

I don't know if anything
can turn this day around.

[producer whispering
indistinctly]

Oh, they can fix me?

That's great.

[both grunting]

So you're protecting
criminals now.

[beeping]

Kinda busy, Jimmy.
Is this an emergency?

[Jimmy] Not anymore,

but something happened
at W.O.R.M.S.

Thief! Stop it right there!

Uh, Jimmy, I'm going
to have to call you back.

-[grunts]
-[thuds]

Siobhan.

-Get out of my...
-Siobhan. I really think...

Siobhan.

-Get out of my...
-Siobhan. Siobhan.

-You're in my way!
-Please.

And you're in possession
of stolen property.

[rumbling]

[Superman grunts]

Still protecting criminals
after what she did.

[beeping]

[Jimmy on call] Hey, free now?

Because I changed today.

Like, I really changed.

I didn't recognize myself.

And my date Gigi...

Jimmy, if it's not an emergency,

it really has to wait.

[Jimmy on call]
But I really feel like...

[crashes]

-Jimmy?
-[Jimmy on call] Ugh, fine.

Everyone stop!

Siobhan, the tech, please.

-And?
-[scoffs]

-Fine.
-Thank you.

You see, Hank?

Nobody needs to get hurt.

I disagree.

[charging]

[device blasting]

[man] What's that thing?
What's he gonna do?

[Wilson] Stand down, Henshaw.

Boss wants a word with you.

Hey, Kara, come listen to this.

I listened to Black Canary
for the first time

-when I was a kid.
-[music playing on headphones]

The instruments sounds so angry.

I love it.

You want to hear what
I'm listening to, Lois Lane?

Maybe it will be
your new favorite.

Oh, it's okay.
I already have a favorite song.

Ah, is it Earth culture
to only like music

you found as a child?

[scoffs] No.

I just already have
music I like.

I don't need to find
anything new.

-[music playing on tape]
-But, Lois Lane,

there's so much that is new.

♪ Earth is so big ♪

♪ The future is grand ♪

♪ So many human musicians ♪

♪ Could become
Your "favorite band" ♪

♪ I've got a "favorite band" ♪

♪ You're the new girl in town ♪

♪ Let's just focus on you ♪

♪ I've got my life Locked down ♪

♪ But look at these clothes ♪

♪ A look for every day ♪

♪ In the sunshine Snow or rain ♪

♪ Whatever comes our way ♪

♪ Do you think it will rain? ♪

♪ Will it soak all my stuff? ♪

♪ I've got one big, dumb coat ♪

♪ What if that's not enough? ♪

♪ But the future is open ♪

♪ The present was fine ♪

♪ Tomorrow is coming ♪

♪ Do not be left behind ♪

♪ By the future ♪

♪ And look, you can pick ♪

♪ What you want
Your life to be ♪

♪ A castle or space ♪

♪ Or a house in a tree ♪

♪ I can't risk any change ♪

♪ There's just too much
To lose ♪

♪ Maybe give me more time ♪

♪ And then later, I'll choose ♪

♪ 'Cause the future
Is daunting ♪

♪ Soon, the present is past ♪

♪ Tomorrow is pulling me ♪

♪ Far too fast ♪

♪ To the future ♪

Whoa!

♪ Then make a small change ♪

♪ A tiny, little thing ♪

♪ Why not just buy
One of these pretty rings? ♪

♪ I know that it's coming ♪

♪ And I want one, I do ♪

♪ I'm not scared of the ring,
I'm just... ♪

[speaking fast] scared of the
fact to accept one

implies that you're ready for
a particular type of future.

And while settling down
in some ways sounds nice,

it also means
consciously deciding

to enter your next chapter,

and I'm still reading
this chapter.

I mean, I like this chapter.

♪ You know, Kara? ♪

♪ There is so much ahead ♪

♪ A frightening endeavor ♪

♪ A whole world to see ♪

♪ Why can't right now
Be forever? ♪

♪ The future is limitless ♪

♪ My present was great ♪

♪ Tomorrow is coming and... ♪

-♪ I cannot wait ♪
-♪ Can't we just wait? ♪

♪ For the future ♪

[newscaster] the ensuing mayhem

revealed Henshaw to be
some kind of Cyborg Superman

capable of
unbelievable acts of...

[turns off screen]

They are scared of you, Hank.

They have no reason to be.

I'm a hero.

Heroes shows restraint.

With the public against you,

we'll never be able
to replace Superman.

Eh, who cares
what the masses think?

We have the power.

-I can do what I want.
-[sword swishes]

That's close enough, Henshaw.

Is it?

[Wilson grunts]

[grunts]

[Wilson grunting]

[Wilson grunts]

[electricity crackling]

"We have the power"?

No, Hank,

I have the power.

And I can take yours away
anytime I want.

[grunting] No.

[Zazzala] Mr. Olsen,
we are so sorry.

I hope this won't taint
your experience at.

W.O.R.M.S., W.O.R.M.S.,
W.O.R.M.S.

or your online review.
[chuckles nervously]

Oh, my sweet human body.

Anything else we can do?

No, I've had a lovely, ti...

[screams]

Oh, no.

I'm not our,
uh, chief biologist,

but, I'll try to fix

whatever is wrong
with you endoskeleton and uh...

[Jimmy continues screaming]

Tazzy!

You've come back?

I'm so glad
you're havin' a moment,

but I am human spaghetti here!

[Clark] Look who I met
on the boat, Lois? [chuckles]

Welcome home,
Bark Kent. [chuckles]

Or Snowy? No, no, no.

Uh, oh, I got it. I got it.

-How about Krypt...
-[call connects]

Clark, I'm elastic now,

and Tazzala...

-[electrical buzzing]
-[screams]

-[pants]
-[blows]

[breathing heavily]

Oh, never mind.

She restored my endoskeleton.

Still, I could use some help.

Jimmy, I'm always happy
to help in emergencies.

Keyword, emergency.

-[groans]
-[door opens]

[Gigi] Jimmy Olsen!

If I can't have you, nobody can.

[can clinks]

-[bones cracking]
-[grunts]

[hesitates] G... Gigi?

[Gigi chuckles]

No. My friends call me Gigi.

[straining] You can call me...

Giganta!

Okay, Giganta!

We can still be friends.

I didn't come here
to make friends.

I came here to fall in love!

[thuds loudly]

[Jimmy screaming]

-Jimmy?
-[ground rumbling]

[dog barking]

Yeah! I'd say it's an emergency.

[Lois] I mean, I love now.
Now is good.

But is it all downhill
from here?

Is the future a slow, painful,
inevitable decline?

Earth's men are fascinated
by me, Lois Lane.

I will certainly beat Jimmy.

Look, this potential mate
is displaying a fish he caught.

And this potential mate

is also displaying a fish
he caught.

-And this...
-They're all gonna have fish.

[Jimmy] Help!

-[screaming]
-[ground rumbling]

Lois Lane,

I do not think
I can find a date that big.

Well, that's not
what winning looks like.

[Jimmy screaming indistinctly]

[Giganta] Let's try this
one more time.

I'll make you gigantic, too.

Then if you really hate it,
we'll call it quits.

Wait, how are you
gonna make me gigantic?

[gasps] Wait.

You're the Distortionist?

I'm not really into labels.

[Jimmy screaming]

[Giganta grunting]

[Superman] Uh, I-I can't
get to you, Jimmy.

Oh, you better try.

I-I can't stop her
without hurting you.

[Zazzala] Good news!

You can save me?

No!

We got back together!

Well, congratulations!

We are so sorry for everything,
especially the endoskeleton.

I'm sorry, what endoskeleton?

Oh, they made my bones dissolve,

turned me into a rag doll.

I called you about this.

Were you not listening?

[Jimmy screaming]

Wait, wait, wait.

Could you two affect
her endoskeleton?

We'd do anything for love.

[Superman]
Great, then follow me.

[Giganta grunting, screams]

-[clicks]
-[grunts]

So this is how
you treat someone...

of...

my stature.

So gentle...

So kind.

Ma'am, I'm gonna
stop you right there.

I'm in a committed relationship.

[Giganta snoring]

Phew, thanks, Superman.

I tell ya! Maybe I should
get off the apps!

-[grunts]
-[body thuds]

Don't lose your faith
in scientific romance, James.

If you stay,

we'll give you a paid
sponsorship from W.O.R.M.S.

-[woman moaning] W.O.R.M.S.
-And I'm back on.

How about you, Mr. Superman?

Huh? Oh. My appearance here
is not an endorsement.

Hm...

[sighs in content]

[Clark] There they are!

How was the day?

Excellent, Kal-El.

Seventy-five potential mates
have written to me,

each one saying, "Sup?"

Clark,

can I ask you something?

What is it, Lois?

I don't that I'm ready
for all this.

What do you mean?

The farm, kids, dog.

Is that not what you want?

I do want that.

But...

I'm scared to lose
what we have right now.

Adventure, freedom, fun.

I just don't want our lives

to shrink to the size
of a model farm.

Oh.

Oh.

I hadn't thought
about that, I...

[Kara] I'm the winner here.

-You just need to admit it.
-[Jimmy] Mine looked great...

[Kara] How many matches
did you get, Jimmy?

[Jimmy] One,

but she was as tall as 100.

You know what?

I never made you breakfast.

And how are you gonna
make it up to me?

Let's get brunch tomorrow.

Just the two of us
and we'll find our future.

Together.

[ominous music playing]

Hurry!

We don't have much time.

[ground rumbling]

[blasting]

Go!

But I can help!

[screeching]

The only way you can help us now

is by making sure
this never happens.

Go!

No!

[closing theme music playing]