04x08 - The Bard's Lament

[bunniefuu]

[insects trilling]

I'm here for the show.

Uh, what?

[chuckles] You got the wrong place, bud.

I'm looking for the Meat Man.

Well, why didn't you say so?

[door opens]

[lively music playing]

[Scanlan] ♪ Oh, don't you want it ♪

♪ I know you need it ♪

♪ Kick back and join me
at the Chateau Shorthalt ♪

♪ A banging nightclub ♪

♪ You know we got a hot tub,
right, baby? ♪

[bartender] Coming right up.

♪ Come on and join me ♪

-♪ at the Chateau Shorthalt ♪
-[cheering]

♪ Chateau, Chateau, Chateau ♪

♪ Chateau, Chateau ♪

[voice wavers]

♪ Shorthalt ♪♪

[cheering, applause]

[patron] This place is awesome!

-[chuckles]
-Whew.

Can't hold those high notes
like you used to, old man.

You really are the best.

And don't you forget it, Meaty.

[both laugh]

Well, I'm going back out.

-Why don't you take a break, and...
-A break?

Oh. No, no, no, no, no.

We got a full house. It's the last night
of our Marquesian tour.

And I haven't even debuted my new song.

You haven't even finished your new song.

[stammers] Whatever. I'll just throw
some "na, na, nas" in the chorus.

People eat that sh*t up.

Mm, without a guitarist?

It's fine.

Lionel's auditioning
replacements right now.

Kale, we're the dream team.

As long as we don't have to deal
with any unexpected surprises,

tonight is gonna be perfect.

Hey, boss, there's a "Vox Magina"
here to see you.

Well, poop.

[dramatic music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

-[laughter]
-[applause]

[patron whistles]

Remember, we need Mythcarver,

so let's be careful
how we broach the subject.

We'll simply tell him
the Briarwoods have returned,

a global conspiracy's afoot, a powerful
archlich is achieving godhood and...

Darling, there's a reason Scanlan
has been avoiding us for the past year.

He may need buttering up.

Oh, I've done that before.
Uh, he prefers oil, though.

I mean small talk.

Ease into the whole
"saving the world" bit, all right?

And what's Plan B when he freaks out
and refuses to come with us?

Aren't you pumped to see him?

I mean,
this is the Scan-Man we're talking about.

Exactly. He runs away.
That's what he does.

Well, I cannot wait to meet
the legendary Señor Shorthalt.

You know, we have more in common
than both being in Vox Machina.

I sang a cappella
for seven years in college.

Why were you in college for seven years?

They needed a tenor.

-And a tenor they did receive.
-[pained groan]

It's getting worse.

Just a bit more uncomfortable
since we fought Delilah.

That flower I read about...
If I can revive it, maybe it could cure...

Do you really trust something
you found in the Briarwoods' lair?

[emotional music playing]

If there's even a chance it'll work,
I need to try.

Oh, f*ck my good holes. Why are they here?

They're your friends. They probably
just came to see you perform.

[scoffs] No way.

I know these dickwads.

They want to loop me
into some suicide mission

to slay a merman
and steal his magic c*ck ring.

Okay, you're the one
who was feeling uninspired, right?

Maybe you could use some adventure.

I've done adventure. It sucks.

You know how hard I've tried
to put all that behind me?

I thought you liked these people.

[sighs sadly] M-Maybe.

But I'm not exactly
my best self around them.

My priorities get all thrown out of whack.

I-I don't want to be that guy again.

Dad, just talk to them.

Assholes will always be assholes
until you let them prove different.

Damn. That's actually great advice.
How are you my daughter?

-Wait, by "assholes" did you mean...
-Yes, obviously you.

[inhales, exhales with determination]

-Hey, hey, hey, sexy people.
-[cheers and applause]

Don't hold your applause,
the main attraction has arrived.

-You're so... rotund.
-Here comes the boy.

[laughs] Scan-man, you got shorter.

[laughs] Hey.
Oh, I can't believe you're here.

No, like, literally.
How the hell did you find me?

We hit up every spice dealer in Ank'harel
till one blabbed about a certain cabaret

that appears at a different door
every night.

Turns out, drug dealers
are quite bribable.

-[scoffs angrily]
-Hmm.

And you guys came all this way for me?

And brought a glittery manservant?

[laughs haughtily] Manservant, nay.

I am Taryon Darrington.

And the only man I serve is the spirit of...

♪ A cappella, a cappella ♪♪

[laughs]

Where'd you find this dingus,
a fan contest?

[clears throat] Uh, Tary's actually proven
quite valuable.

In fact, we've discovered
a vast network of cultists who...

[Scanlan] Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

Sorry, pal, the Chateau only has one rule.

Which means

no banding together
as a ragtag team of misfits,

no rendezvous with dark sorcerers,
and absolutely

no plotting to save the world.
I am done with that sh*t.

Now, what'd you guys want to talk about?

Boss? I think I found a guitarist.

Oh. Oh, that's great.

Uh, Lionel, give my friends here
all the chicken they want.

Cut 'em off after two plates.

What did I say? Ease into it.

[scoffs] Told you he didn't want to see us.

I need a shot.

Me, too. "Manservant..."

So, uh, how long you been playing?

Well, I started on the lute,
but I really connect with the guitar.

Um, and lately, I've been focusing
on my solo career...

Okay, answer me this. What would you do
if your old band showed up

and they wanted to get back together,
and you had a lot of hits,

but they also nearly cost you everything,

and now, you're in a new band
with your daughter,

and you're-you're really scared
of f*cking it up?

Do you maybe just want to hear me play?

[guitar playing jaunty tune]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll-you'll do fine.

Listen, hang out here
while I work the floor.

Ah. Doty, take this down.

At long last, Taryon Darrington met
the enigmatic final member of Vox Machina,

but Mr. Shorthalt seems to have somehow
taken me for a fool.

I'm not Doty.

[gasps sadly] The day keeps getting worse.

[sobbing]

Look at him. He thinks he's so selfless
and mature because he's a dad.

[blows raspberry] I could be a dad.

I would be the best dad
in the f*cking world.

And I wouldn't abandon my friend
when she needed me the most.

Yes. You don't need him. [hiccups]

And neither do I.

Let's just s-steal Pisscarver ourselves.

[muffled laugh]

You know, I am drunk enough
to think that's a good idea.

-Come on.
-[yelps in surprise]

[Vex] Let's try this again.

My way. Scanlan, darling. Yoo-hoo.

Hmm?

[annoyed groan]

I know you're busy, but I had to ask,

the Chateau looks fantastic.

Did you decorate it yourself?

[chuckles] Me? No, no.

Kaylie has a much better sense for style.

And business. And everything, really.

You must be so proud of her.

Honestly, this past year,
Kale and I really connected.

I wouldn't trade this life for anything.

Scanlan... [sighs contentedly]

You made the right choice,

but we do still miss
that charming face of yours.

Uh... You know what? It's my place.
I can take a break, right?

Why don't I pull up a chair
and chill a while?

That would be wonderful.

Are we sure we want to do this?

Try to take him away from his family?

Mythcarver may be the only thing
that can k*ll the Whispered One.

It seems the fate of the world may depend
on that man's disposition.

[annoyed grunt]

We've toured everywhere.
They loved us in Wildemount.

Played sold-out shows in Issylra.

Hell, we even did a stint
in the Fey Realm.

Oh, that reminds me.
I met a friend of yours there, Percy.

He wanted me to give you something. Here.

-[laughter]
-[shocked gasp]

-[Vex] You should see it in real life.
-[Vax] Don't go off half-c*ck, de Rolo.

[Grog] Kind of looks like me.

Garmelie. How delightful.

Speaking of horny, nice antlers, Keyleth.
What the f*ck is up with that?

[chuckles shyly] Right. Yeah, they're, um,
they're from my coronation.

It's no bigs.

Oh. Yeah. Sorry I missed it.

Life on the road and all. Was it, uh, nice?

[chuckles] Until the zombie ninjas
showed up... Ow.

[laughs] Classic Vox Mox.

I do not miss the constant peril.

Uh, you know what, Scan-Man?

f*ck it. Why don't we
do something really fun?

[gasps] Is that what I think it is?

We couldn't leave your dealer
empty-handed.

After all these years, you guys finally
want to do spice with me?

Hell yeah, let's drink some drugs.

-Yeah, let's blaze it up.
-Very big into drug culture.

f*cking amazing.

[drawers opening, closing]

Where is it? Come on. In here?

[gasps] Uh...

Ah-ha. Mythcarver.

-Yah!
-Oh, wow. Well, that's not it.

-And you might want to wash your hands.
-[shrieks in shock] Ugh!

Ew...

[slow, somber music playing]

-[Pike] Huh...
-[door opens]

-[Kaylie] What the hell are you doing?
-[gasps]

[Taryon] Do you think she sees us?

[Scanlan] ♪ The audience cheers me ♪

♪ They all want to get near me ♪

♪ I'm wanted by all ♪

-♪ Wanted by all ♪
-[Vax chuckles softly]

-Oh, no.
-[Scanlon] ♪ And they can't get enough...

This is forever, isn't it?

[Scanlon] ♪ It's so hard being hot stuff ♪

♪ I'm wanted by all, wanted by all ♪♪

You know what?
That-that part could use some harmony.

Here. Sing it with me.

♪ I'm wanted by all ♪

♪ All ♪

-♪ All ♪
-♪ All ♪

♪ All ♪

♪ All ♪♪

[laughter]

Woof. Trinket could sing that better.

Ooh. Let me bamf him out.

Uh, bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah.
Read the sign.

-No. The other one.
-[Vex] Oh.

[laughter]

I can't read.

Are you stealing from us?

Wha... No. No. We just came up here

to-to... f...

make out.

Oh. Yes. Oh, how I love soft female lips.

[both moaning]

-I'm so turned on.
-Ugh, gross.

Also, bullshit.

You two were looking for something.

Oh.

I see.

Your relationship with Dad is still...
complicated, huh?

What relationship?
He left us like it was nothing.

It's obvious he's moved on.
I should do the same.

Listen, I...

I don't know why my dad
makes the choices he makes,

but I know he cares about ya.

Like, genuinely cares.

[scoffs bitterly] Maybe once.

Pike.

Just tell him how you feel.

Whatever's on your mind,
you don't have to deal with it alone.

[crying]

[gentle music playing]

Well, you two finish your moment.

I'm going to go find a spare closet
to mope in.

Come on, let's go see Dad.

[Grog] All right, check it out.

It's a Deck of Infinite Posi-t*tties, right,

-and it...
-[knock on door]

Hey, boss. We need you onstage in five.

Oh. Oh-oh-oh, hey.

You guys got to see my big finale. Yeah.
When I whip out this baby.

Blam.

[magical music playing]

[all gasp in shock]

Wait a minute. You turned

a Vestige of Divergence into a guitar?

[Percy] H-How did...

Why would...

-How do you still have all your fingers?
-[Grog laughs loudly]

Dis is perfect. Gettin' Mythcarver

is the whole reason we came here
in the first place.

I mean, right, guys?

-[Vex] Um...
-[Grog] It's lucky. [laughs]

No, Grog,
that's just the, uh, the spice talking.

[Vax] Yeah. What he meant was that,
well, we, um...

Huh. I knew it.

Scanlan, it's not like that.

Oh, it's not? It's not?

You just suddenly wanted to hang out?

The fact is,
there's a chance to save a lot of people,

but we can't do it without the sword.

[sighs in frustration] We can't do it
without you. You're part of this team.

Team? [scoffs]

You only kept me around
'cause I make jokes, play songs,

give you a fancy chateau,
and feed you f*cking chicken.

The truth is,
you don't give a sh*t about me.

-That's not true.
-We love you, you as*h*le.

Love me? You barely know me.

Where do I come from? Huh?

How old am I? What's my mother's name?

You don't know, do you? [scoffs]

Some f*cking friends.

Smartest move I ever made
was leaving you behind.

Dad.

[somber music playing]

Lionel, get these chumps out of my bar.

They're not welcome.

All right, you heard the little guy.
Get moving.

♪♪

[Kaylie] You didn't know my mother's name.

-That was different.
-Was it?

Dad, I know what it's like
to feel unwanted.

I felt that way every day of my damn life,

but then I realized you'd never
get to know me if I kept pushing you away.

You miss them, and they miss you, too.

Can't you give them a chance?

I have a show to do.

[audience cheering]

[applause]

[Dr. Dranzel] Ladies and gents
and everyone in between,

Scanlan Shorthalt!

[cheering]

Okay, before we play our last number,
give it up for Kaylie on flute,

Dr. Dranzel on fiddle,

Zedd on drums,

and on guitar...

I... didn't get his name. Let's rock!
Two, three, four.

[upbeat rock music playing]

[cheering]

[guitar playing louder]

[applause]

-[all gasp in shock]
-Whoa.

-[music stops]
-Hey, what the hell was that about?

And who the f*ck are you?

Sorry, Shorthalt.

This vestige belongs to the Whispered One.

[dramatic, ominous music playing]

Lionel, please let us in.

Things got heated,
but we need to hash it out.

You want to talk to the Meat Man?
You got to go through me.

If boss says this door stays shut,
then this door stays shut.

-[woman screams]
-[grunts in pain]

-[overlapping shouting]
-He's got Mythcarver.

[intense music playing]

-What the f*ck?
-That's literally why we're here.

[high-pitched] ♪ Yeah ♪♪

What's the plan, guys?

The only way to fight music is with music.

♪ Scanlan's hand ♪♪

I don't know who you work for,
but that sword's mine.

We'll see. [laughs]

♪ Demon's claw ♪

♪ Out of the shadow, he lifts us up ♪

♪ The downtrodden masses,
we are his blood ♪

♪ The w*r's begun,
and ye shall be judged ♪

♪ The Children of Truth,
we are his blood ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ The Whispered One ♪

-♪ The Whispered One...
-[Vax] f*cking sh*t.

[Vex] How is he doing this?

-[Percy] It's that damned vestige.
-[grunts with effort]

[laughs] Finally.
This be mine moment. Sunder Stone.

Idiot. Just let the grown-ups handle this.

♪ Out of the gutter, no skills or class ♪

♪ Try to battle me, you can kiss my a*s ♪

♪ Face it, you're jealous, you got
no fans and wish you could do ♪

♪ What I do with my hands ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Pathetic one ♪

♪ You're pathetic, son...

[Lionel] Ugh. We need to get up there.

Hey, Sparkle Boy,
can any of those gems give me wings?

Oh, yes. Animal Amethyst, activate.

[quacks]

Sit down. You're in timeout.

Let's handle this, boys. Two, three, four.

[intense rock music playing]

[Dark Bard] ♪ Now be dragged down ♪

♪ by darkness...

Can't move.

♪ Or pledge yourself to him ♪

Oh, you think you got tricks? Lute solo!

♪♪

Ha. That's not rock. This is rock.

♪♪

-[screams]
-[Dark Bard laughing]

I hoped to battle
the best bard in the land,

but you're a shell of what you once were.

And now, it's time for your curtain call.

-[high-pitched shrieking]
-[screams in pain]

Kaylie! No!

[shrieking continues]

[all groaning in pain]

♪ Yeah ♪ [groans in pain]

We must fight back. Sing with me.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[all harmonizing]

[high-pitched notes]

[dramatic music playing]

Nobody touches my instrument.

[ominous music playing]

W-w-wait, behind you.

[p*stol clicks]

We are his blood and cannot be stopped.

[all coughing]

[sighs] f*ck a duck.

[quacks]

At least he didn't get the sword.

But we have no idea where he went.

Not so. In the heat of battle,

I hit the dastardly diva
with a Turquoise of Tracking.

The felon fled that way.

Damn, that's a clutch move.

Thanks for saving my bacon back there.
And my kid's bacon.

These idiots are lucky to have you, Jerry.

[crying] Thank you.

I really needed to hear that.

Scanlan, I'm sorry we lied earlier,

but we only tried to spare your feelings
because we care about you.

-[gentle music playing]
-[sighs]

The truth is,
I tried to be rock star Scanlan

or hilarious Scanlan or lothario Scanlan,

but I never showed you the real Scanlan
because I didn't know if you'd like him.

Heck, I'm not sure
I even know who that is.

Of course we like him. Warts and all.

And gods know there are warts.

So, does that mean the real Scanlan
is gonna come with us?

Maybe someday.

But I think I need some more time
to figure him out.

[quacks]

A-a-and, hey, when you're done
with your mission or whatever,

my door's always open for you.

Hey, Scanlan? What was your mother's name?

-Juniper.
-Juniper.

Sorry I never asked before.

Uh, Pike?

They told me about Wilhand
and everything else.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

[crying]

Everything's been so f*cked up
since you left.

And it hurt too much to miss you,
so I-I tried hating you,

and-and that hurt even more, and now...

It-It's like I-I don't know
who I am anymore.

[gasps in disbelief]

I know exactly who you are.

The only person I would trust with this.

[majestic music playing]

Pike Trickfoot, the badass
who's gonna save the world.

[gentle music playing]

[humming]

♪ Lights down, it's quiet now ♪

♪ Anticipation fills the crowd ♪

♪ They're waiting for the Meat Man ♪

♪ I take my place onstage ♪

♪ The audience cheers me,
they all want to get near me ♪

♪ I'm wanted by all, wanted by all ♪

♪ Yeah, they can't get enough ♪

♪ It's so hard being hot stuff ♪

♪ I'm wanted by all ♪

♪ Wanted by all ♪♪

Chirp.