01x10 - The Skroobinator

[bunniefuu]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

[all clamoring]

The election is just days away and you're still way behind in the polls.

But why?

Well, your countless sex scandals. You've been indicted times.

Operation Speedy Invasion, our w*r with planet Tiraq,

is in its th year with no end in sight.

You've got...

I know. Okay, I get it, I get it.

I get it, but what do I do about it?

I suggest you call a meeting with your cabinet members, sir.

All right, I'll call a meeting with my cabinet members.

Mmm, a little later.

Ms. Spacebar, I'm calling an emergency cabinet meeting.

Send them all in at once.

Oh! Yes, sir. But do you mean the real members of your real cabinet?

Oh, no. Those wankers take things much too seriously.

Send in my fantasy cabinet.

Oh. Yes, sir.

[announcer over PA] Please welcome

the Secretary of the Interior, Charlene!

The Secretary of the Posterior, Darlene!

And the Chief of Staff, Marlene.

Good, good, you're all here.

So, Darlene, how are things looking

at the Department of the Posterior?

[giggling] Pretty good, don't you think?

[laughing]

I fully agree.

What's wrong, Skrooby? You seem tense.

It's this darn election. The voters hate me.

Mmm, Skrooby...

We still love ya!

[sighs]

I'm going through hard times.

Skrooby-dooby, I wish we could think of something

to help you through your hard times.

Hey, what do you say we all go to my oval office

and see if anything comes up?

-Okay. -Ooh!

[all giggling]

[women giggling]

[chuckling] It's good to be the President.

That's why we need a plan to get you re-elected.

We need to play dirty.

Oh, good. I love playing dirty.

[Skroob] Oh, yeah...

Come on, you two. We need to focus.

Right, right. The only way I'm ever gonna win this election

is by coming up with some diabolical plan.

Mmm, sounds like a job for the most ruthless, sinister,

and evil man in all the universe.

[all] Dark Helmet!

[imitating kissing noises]

[imitating Vespa] Oh, Dark Helmet,

Lone Starr could never hold a helmet to you.

[imitating kissing noises]

[inhaling]

[coughing]

[video phone ringing]

I need to meet with you at once. It's an emergency!

Tell Snotty to beam me up.

Sorry, Skroob, but Snotty is sick.

Severe sniffles.

Well, who the hell's doing the beaming?

Private Hard is on beaming, sir.

Hard is on beam... You little pervert.

No, I don't think you understand me, sir.

Private Dawn Hard is doing the beaming.

She just graduated from Ball State

with a Masters in Beaming Sciences.

Ah, I see. All right. Do it. Do it.

Uh, right.

[inhaling]

♪♪ And bounce, two, three. That's right, girls. ♪♪

♪♪ And four. Come on, ladies. ♪♪

♪♪ Keep those tummies tucked. And seven, eight. Take a nice deep... ♪♪

Idiot! What are you doing?

I... I... I...

[clears throat]

Never mind all of that, I'm way behind in the polls.

We need to come up with an evil plan in order to win re-election.

Hmm...

I got it!

The next time your opponent shows up for a campaign speech,

we sh**t him dead.

No, no. That would be too simple.

We could rig the voting machines.

Again, been there, done that.

Well, then what about this.

His ancestors are from planet Earth, right?

Right.

Okay. Then we'll send an army of k*ller robots back in time

to planet Earth in the year

to get rid of his great- great-great-great-great- great-great-grandmother

before she gives birth to his great-great-great-great- great-great-grandfather.

And that way he will never even have existed.

Wow. That might be just absurdly complicated enough to work.

But there's only one thing wrong with it.

Uh, what?

We're the stars of Spaceballs, we'll have to go ourselves.

[whining] But I catch cold easily and I might get hurt.

And I could fall down...

Oh, blow it out your a*s. Come on.

Sure, sure, an army of robots

would get the job done in a matter of minutes,

but then they get all the credit and the glory.

We want all the credit and the glory, don't we?

Oh, I guess so. But it sure will be dangerous.

Well that's why it's a job for our superhero alter egos.

[both] Powers of the Schwartz, activate!

Form of the Skroobinator.

Form of the Bonginator!

The what?

[coughing] Bonginator?

Oh, let it go.

[inhaling]

[coughing]

Oh, sorry.

You have to get the car going exactly miles an hour

to trigger the time machine.

No problemo.

[tires squealing]

[gasps]

Watch out!

Shut up, you wimp!

[Helmet] Look out!

[all cheering]

[screaming]

[brakes screeching]

Wait a second. Helmet, why the hell are we naked?

Uh, I don't know.

Idiot! You set the dial to "Naked."

So? Now you get to show off your well-chiseled body.

Yeah. You're right. Good thinking.

Come on, Chiseler.

[whimpers]

Hey, bud. Let's party.

We have no time to party. We need your clothes.

Whoa, like, totally uncool, dude.

[groaning]

Whoa, bud. What's your problem?

Hey, why'd you do that?

I wanted to party.

Life moves pretty fast.

If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

[imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] Miss this, bleephole.

[groans]

But it's my day off.

[exclaims]

[groans]

Wax on, wax off.

Skroob, where did you get that Schwartz ring?

You're not a Schwartz Master.

I got it at Ballmart.

But I wanted to wear the surfing clothes.

Oh, shut up and come on. We need to take care of business.

Oy, this pizza stinks.

Yenta, where did you order it from?

From Pizza the Hut.

[scoffs]

Tastes like cardboard.

That's because you're eating the cardboard. The pizza's on top.

Oh. Oy.

What's the matter, Yogurt?

I'm having a terrible disturbance in my Schwartz.

Must be the pizza.

No, that's not it.

[ominous music playing]

I was right, I was right. There's something wrong.

How do you know?

Are you deaf?

Don't you hear that ominous music?

Ah, we hear that same fakachte music every week.

No, no, this music is a serious warning.

I must contact Lone Starr at once.

He may be the only hope to save the universe.

Always with saving the universe.

But does he ever wanna make love to his wife? No.

I was eating the cardboard?

We got here as fast as we could.

There is an unrest in the Schwartz. Can you feel it?

I think so.

I felt something after lunch, something inside,

really big and dangerous, and I got scared.

But then I realized it wasn't me,

it was a disturbance in the Schwartz.

[groaning]

I sense that the feeling is strong in you too, Barf.

Are you also experiencing a disturbance,

a large movement, perhaps, in the Schwartz?

Sorry, Yogurt, but I don't know nothing

about movements in the Schwartz.

I mean, whatever is moving, is moving inside of me.

'Cause frankly, I got the...

[farting]

[all groaning]

Oh! Now that's what I call a disturbance in the Schwartz.

[groans]

Anyway, Yogurt, what is this all about?

I'm not sure yet.

I still have only vague images.

Hey, hey! How about we find out

by playing Spaceballs, The Video Game?

Good thinking, Barf. Good mawg.

That's a good mawg.

[laughing] Mmm. Thank you.

[panting]

-Hey! Hey! -[Yenta] Stop it! Bad! Bad mawg!

Oh, sorry. Afraid I still got a lot of the dog left in me.

♪♪ Bounce and bounce and... ♪♪

[echoing] What's going on? What the hell am I looking at?

What does this have to show?

Now. You're looking at now, Lone Starr.

Everything that happens now is happening now.

It is!

Now? What happened to then?

We just passed then.

-When? -Just now.

We're at now, now.

Then, we should go back to then?

-When? -Now.

Now?

Not now, then. Go back to then.

We can't.

-Why? -We missed it.

-When? -Just now.

We need to pass this level.

But how the hell can we do that?

I know. Use a cheat code.

Great!

Except I don't know the codes for this game.

Turn to the Spaceballs Network.

-I love that channel. -Me, too.

If you don't receive the Spaceballs Network,

contact your local cable or satellite provider and ask for...

Stop! Stop! Enough with the shameless promotion.

I like money too, but this is shameless.

[echoing] Now what the hell are we watching?

We're watching the scene in Spaceballs, The Animated TV Series,

while we're looking at ourselves

playing Spaceballs, The Video Game,

while we're watching...

Never mind.

If you wanna find the cheat code, use the Schwartz.

Lone Starr, use the Schwartz.

Of course. You're right, Yogurt!

Up, up, left, triangle, circle, circle,

up, down, "X", cucumber, banana,

left trigger.

Your mission is clear.

So, how do we get to Earth, ?

How many times do I have to tell you?

When in doubt, use the Schwartz. Use the Schwartz.

There's no place like Earth. There's no place like Earth.

There's no place like Earth. There's no place like Earth.

No, no, you idiots! That's not the Schwartz, that's The Wizard of Oz.

Use the Schwartz, the Schwartz!

[Lone Starr and Barf] Give me an "S." Give me an "S."

Give me a "C." Give me an "H." Give me a "C." Give me an "H."

"W." Give me an "A." "W." Give me an "A."

[Barf] Give me a what? "R." [Lone Starr] "R."

Give me a "T." Put a "Z" in there.

And a "Z."

[Barf] And what do we spell?

[Lone Starr] I think we spelled "Wisconsin."

[Barf] Let me take a look. [Lone Starr] No, "Schwartz"!

[both chanting] Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz!

[both chanting] Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz!

I can sense Dark Helmet's evil presence. He's near.

[sniffing]

Turn left! Go down that way!

[Lone Starr] There they are.

Who the hell are you? Let me go!

Relax, babe. We're here to rescue you.

It feels more like a kidnapping.

Those two guys are trying to k*ll you.

But how do I know that you're not trying to k*ll me?

Well, it's your choice. Us or them.

Mmm, I guess I'll stick with you.

You got a nicer butt.

Ooh!

Our car is toast!

They're getting away!

Hey! Let's hotwire those hogs!

[squeals]

Wild hogs rule!

Yepper-doodle.

[Helmet screams]

[both screaming]

[trucker screams]

[Helmet laughs]

[exclaiming]

[Helmet laughs]

[screams]

We did it! We got them!

Yeah.

Tell me a ghost story, Skrooby.

Okay.

Many moons ago, on a dark and stormy night...

[beeping]

[all gasping]

[all screaming]

[both laughing]

[Sandra gasps]

[all gasping]

[grunts]

[laughs]

[groans]

[growling]

[groans]

[gasps]

[Skroob] Now I have you!

So, at last we meet again, like the last time, for the first time.

I'm having a bad case of deja-voodoo.

Me, too.

I can see your Schwartz is as firm as ever, but it's no match for mine.

[screaming]

[both gasping]

[yelling]

[groaning]

[moaning]

So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well.

You should know that the dark side of the Schwartz

is no match for the bright side of the Schwartz.

Bright side?

[snickers]

Oh, that sounds so fruity.

You know what I mean.

Maybe you're right.

Your Schwartz is stronger than my Schwartz...

In a fair fight.

But as you know,

[chuckling] I never fight fair!

Ah, now I have you, Limp Starr.

[gasps]

[cackles]

Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr! Use the Schwartz!

How many bleeping times do I have to tell you?

Look. Look at the label.

A product of Schwartz Pharmaceuticals Incorporated.

Use only as directed. Side effects may include nausea,

dizziness, and chronic diarrhea.

[screams]

[Barf laughing] Whoa.

[Sandra gasps]

[screaming]

Sorry, gentlemen, but you've been waffle-ated.

Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark.

We did it.

You were incredible.

[whispers] How about maybe we can snatch...

[chuckles]

Hey, Barf, old buddy, why don't you take yourself for a walk

and meet us back here in about five minutes?

[whispers]

Make that six minutes.

[chuckles] Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

[howling]

[both moaning]

So Lone Starr is actually

the great-great-great-great- great-great-grandfather of your opponent.

It's kind of funny because if we hadn't tried to k*ll Sandra,

then they would never have met

and your opponent would never have existed.

That's totally screwed up.

Their guard is down.

Now's your chance to k*ll Sandra.

I'm no k*ller. I'm a pervert.

But if you don't k*ll her, then you'll lose the election.

There's gotta be another way. Wait! I have a plan.

You sure you can't stay?

Yeah, I can't exist in the Earth's atmosphere much longer.

My cells are growing weak.

Mmm. Of course.

Did I take a long enough walk, boss?

Yeah, thanks, old buddy.

Let's go fix up Eagle and get back to the future.

But will I be safe?

[sentimental music playing]

You hear that? That means you're going to be all right, Sandra.

And someday soon, the power of the Schwartz tells me

you'll bear a son who will live to be the great-great- great-great-great...

I think you missed a "great."

Great-grandfather of a very important man many years from now

on the distant planet Moron.

[exclaims]

[Skroob laughs]

[exclaims]

Get away from me, you creep!

Take it easy, baby. Take it easy. I'm not here to hurt you.

I never was. I came to save you from them.

That's a lie.

No, I'm telling you the truth, beautiful.

Lone Starr's a phony. He left you here alone, didn't he?

He could have taken you with him if he wanted.

Hmm, I guess you're right.

I never would have left you.

Really?

Really. Lone Starr's not a real man, babe.

But I am.

Say, you are kind of cute.

[sultry music playing]

Hear that music? You know what that means.

[Sandra] Oh!

Oh, my!

[crowd murmuring]

When I'm elected president, I'm going to put an end to corruption.

[crowd exclaiming]

[laughs]

President Skroob, running unopposed,

has been re-elected by a narrow margin.

In related news, President Skroob claims to be

his own great-great-great- great-great-great- great-grandfather.

Film at :.

Isn't democracy great?

[all laughing]

Oh, Skrooby!