01x07 - Mighty Meteor

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

[expl*si*n]

[Skroob] My fellow Morons,

our campaign to destroy Planet Druidia is over.

I hereby declare... Mission accomplished!

[crowd cheering]

True, we haven't technically done anything yet,

but victory is assured, thanks to this catapult.

[cheering]

With it, we will smash Druidia to bits

by flinging the ultimate payload at it,

a payload of such unbelievable power

it can only be known as "The Mighty Meteor."

[fireworks exploding]

What the hell is that?

It's the mighty meteor, sir!

[Skroob] The mighty meteor? You gotta be kidding.

I can barely see it.

Helmet, what the hell is this, a model?

I'm afraid it's the real McCoy, sir.

The real McCoy... Why is it so small?

Budget cuts, your Skroobness.

We spent all our money fighting unwinnable wars.

This meteor was all we could afford.

Well, can it still destroy Druidia?

Hmm, ah, we'll see.

All right. Well, let's see what we got here.

Fire away!

Oh, for cryin' out loud!

[upbeat rock music playing]

That son-of-a-space-wench just cut me off!

We'll show him!

-[engine dies] -Uh-oh.

[metallic clanking]

Oh! Eh, I'll get the duct tape.

Nah, Barf, I think it's time...

No, no, don't say it, don't say it!

...for a new van.

Ah, you said it. Have you no heart?

This van is vintage! It's got history!

It's got pizza from under the seats.

Point taken. But where are we gonna get the money?

I'll think of somethin'.

[Vespa] You sold your organs

to buy this van?

Just three of 'em.

It's really not a big deal.

[groans]

Psst! Whaddya think?

I mean, personally... [laughs]

...the wet bar is not my taste.

I don't know, I hate to say it, Dot,

but I'm kind of impressed.

I mean, when was the last time we drove with Lone Starr

and it didn't smell like hot, wet barf inside?

Ha! I'll remedy that shortly, sisters!

-[door shuts] -[shower hissing]

- [Yogurt] Mayday! Alert! Emergency! -What is it, Yogurt?

Oy, this is quite a screen I'm on.

What is this, inches?

[Yenta] Hmm. It looks more like .

-Who asked ya? -Your depth perception is terrible!

You should wear your glasses more.

-I like the contacts. -Well...

Yenta, listen. I'm on a videophone here.

-So? -So, you always try to...

Yogurt! You said there was an emergency.

Oh, yeah, right.

President Skroob, that son-of-a-g*n

whom I hate in every possible way,

has catapulted a mighty meteor at Druidia!

You have to stop it, or the world will end!

A mighty meteor?

Okay, Yogurt, you definitely need glasses.

See? I told ya.

Quiet, all of you!

For the love of Pete, just blow it up.

[expl*si*n]

Oh! My spinners! No!

[expl*si*n]

My mighty meteor! No!

With all due respect, sir, it wasn't very mighty.

I know that. I know that.

But where are we gonna get a mightier meteor?

We could barely afford the rink-a-dink one

that went into the sh*t house!

We could always outsource to get a meteor on the cheap.

Outsource? The only people I trust

with jobs this important are Morons.

That may be your problem right there.

Look, outsourcing is our only hope of destroying Druidia.

Fine, fine.

Outsource! Go! Outsource!

[touchpad beep]

[line ringing]

[man, in Indian accent] Thank you for calling Galactica Resources S olutions.

This is Bobby Taylor.

How may I provide you with excellent service today?

Uh, yeah, hi. This is President Skroob.

[man over phone] Naan tikka masala.

-What? -I said, please go on.

Um, Bobby Taylor... Bobby Taylor...

Hey, Bobby, what planet are you on?

What planet are you calling from?

Planet Moron.

Ha! By the seven arms of Vishnu,

I am on Moron, too!

You're no Moron, you're an Indiot, aren't you?

You're from Planet Curry, aren't you?

Ehhh...Yes, sir.

-I am, in fact, an Indiot. -[disconnects]

Helmet, I refuse to work with Indiots!

I have my limits, you know.

But sir, any Indiot can do this job. Think about it.

You're right.

Okay, call back what's-his-name

so we can ridiculously underpay him.

I am still on the line, sir.

Okay, Bobby.

We're prepared to offer you ten starbucks for your help.

Ten starbucks?

My goodness! I could buy all of old New Delhi!

One. One. I meant one starbuck.

I could still be treated like a king!

Then it's settled! Come to moron A.S.A.P.

and we'll put you to work!

Thank you, sir! you have changed my life!

And thank you for calling Galactica Resources Solutions.

-[disconnects] -What an Indiot.

[tires screech]

Well, let's see. Is it just you comin' over

the border today, Mr. Taylor?

[Bobby] Yes, it is just me.

-And also my family. -Your family?!

[gasps] By the seven arms of Vishnu!

[Bobby] I have been very, very busy.

[Indian pop music playing]

President Skroob!

[needle scratches, music stops]

There's something that demands your full attention!

I'm already at full attention. Ain't I, Marlene?

[giggling] Wink, wink!

No, I mean something else. Look!

-[Indiots chanting] -[elephants trumpeting]

My God!

Who's the idiot that let in all those Indiots?

Eh, that would be you, sir.

President Skroob, I presume?

It is a great honor to finally meet you.

So, you're Bobby Taylor.

Indeed. Or you may also call me Maharajapurim if you prefer.

Let's stick to Bobby Taylor.

Okay.

Why are all these Indiots running amok?

Oh, they are just my family.

All one billion of them?

. billion, actually.

It is a big family.

Well, you can't all stay.

I won't let Moron be overrun by Indiots!

Understood.

We'll just pack up the mightier meteor and be on our way.

Mighty... Uh... Whoa, whoa. Hold it. Okay.

[chuckles]

What is that thing? Papier-mache?

[Bobby] Oh, I assure you, it is real.

When . billion people work together, things get done.

A real meteor, huh?

Let's see it knock out Planet Druidia, then.

Hoo! Piece of naan.

[dramatic music playing]

[engine revs]

[wind whooshing]

[elephant trumpets]

Wow! By the seven arms of Vishnu!

That's Indian for "holy sh*t!"

[munching] Mmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Barf!

I thought we agreed no eating in the vicinity of the upholstery.

But we're outside!

[vacuum hums]

What's up with Lone Starr and his van?

He's like... obsessed!

Ha! You know what he's been calling it lately? His "man."

You're kidding. His what?

My man. Half miracle, half van.

Just like Barf is my mawg, half man, half dog.

Your man?

I knew something was a little, you know... [whistles]

This computer will allow you to track the meteor on its way to Druidia.

It has three gigs of RAM, a quad core X- processor,

and an outboard vindaloo oven!

Wow! I don't understand a word you're saying.

You must be a genius!

Druidia's about to go... ka-blam!

And I'll tell ya somethin', you smell good. Must be coriander.

Well, thank you. We Indiots are no idiots.

I wish I could say the same for we Morons! [laughing]

[snorts, blows raspberry]

[tense music playing]

Where the hell is Lone Starr?

We need him to save Druidia from this meteor!

Oh, he's busy rubbing wax on his man.

Oh, just forget about that stupid Lone Starr.

How are we gonna stop this freaking meteor already?

I'd like to use the Schwartz,

but I ate such a heavy breakfast I'm a bissel pooped.

[Yenta] Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute. There's always the schwecret.

The "schwecret"?

Yeah! The power of positive thinking!

The idea is, if you visualize an outcome hard enough,

it'll come true.

It's like the Schwartz, but a little less scientific.

So, uh, we just hope the meteor goes away, and then it does!

That sounds implausible.

And I'm someone who believes in cat psychics.

Shh! Everybody concentrate!

Nope. It's still coming.

[all screaming]

Hey! Didn't this just happen before the commercial?

[all] Mm-hmm. Yeah.

-Right. -Hmm.

[Lone Starr] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Give it to me, baby.

Oh, yeah, good chair. Good chair.

Oh, you give such good chair. Oh, yeah, baby.

[loud clanking]

Oh, no, you didn't!

Nobody hits my man but me!

[all screaming]

Wait a minute! Something's wrong!

Yeah! Why hasn't it crushed us yet?

[elephant trumpets]

The meteor appears to have stopped moving, sir!

So it's going about the same speed as your brain now, huh?

-Parked! -[both giggle]

[growls]

Give Bobby Taylor a call to troubleshoot.

I'm gonna put the triplets down for their nap.

But we're not tired, Skroobie.

You will be soon,

very, very tired!

[women giggling]

Naughty!

Bobby Taylor this, Bobby Taylor that,

I love Bobby Taylor, he knows everything... [grumbles]

[line ringing]

[voice over phone] Hello, and thank you for calling Galactica Resources S olutions.

I'm Jill, your automated assistant.

If you know your party's extension, Please enter it now.

Operator. Give me an operator.

One moment, please.

Please enter your -digit order number,

followed by the pound sign now.

Ahh! I don't have an order number.

I just want to speak to Bobby Taylor.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

Please enter your...

Aaah! Argh!

You entered -----...

[deep breath]

...--.

If this is correct,

please press the pound sign now.

Argh!

[tone sounds]

In order for us to serve you better,

you're invited to take a brief customer satisfaction survey

at the conclusion of this call.

Your wait time is approximately minutes.

Please hold for the next available agent.

[synthesized hold music plays]

[sighs]

[music continues]

-[music stops abruptly] -[gasps]

[woman over phone] This is Elaine.

May I have your order number, please?

I don't have an order number.

I just want to speak to Bobby Taylor!

Okay. And how do you spell that, sir?

Argh! B-O-B-B-Y T-A-Y-L-O-R.

Was that "D" as in "David"?

Wha-what?!

There's no "D" in the name, Elaine!

It's Bobby Taylor, with a "B"!

Bobby Taylor! Don't you get it now?

Bobby Tay-lor!

Okay, sir.

Please hold while I transfer your call.

[Jill] The mailbox for extension ...

[Bobby's voice] Bobby Taylor...

[Jill] ... is currently full. Good-bye.

Aaah, stupid!

Phone call! Bobby!

[weeping]

[whistling]

Hey, helmet! I'm not paying you to play dead here!

[weakly] I couldn't reach Bobby Taylor.

I tried so hard... My life...

Bobby Taylor? Why?

He's been with me the whole time.

We just played holes of golf together.

Never have I seen so much cheating!

[tearfully] The meteor... It's not moving.

Oh, yeah. Oh, oh. Yeah, right, the meteor. I forgot.

Hmm. It appears a Schwartz beam is holding it up.

Not a problem.

I will just make the meteor Schwartz-proof.

[touchpad beeping]

[elephant trumpets]

Okay.

Bobby, Bobby, I don't know how ya did it, but you did it!

Come here and lemme give ya a great big bear hug!

-[laughing] -[grunts] Oh, yes! Thank you, sir!

That is very nice of you to keep me from breathing.

Look, the meteor's falling again.

Hah, all right!

I mean, aww, crap on a stick!

[all shouting]

I guess that sound means we're going to commercial again, huh?

I hope it's for adult dating.

[all shouting]

Man, this is really getting old.

[sighs] Seriously. k*ll me already.

-[thuds] -Oww!

Hey, that was a figure of speech.

I hate to say it, but we need Lone Starr.

[Lone Starr] Did somebody say "I love Lone Starr"?

Look who's here! Where have you been?

Look, there's no time to explain.

It's worse than we thought.

Hah, what's worse than getting smushed by a giant meteor?

Getting smushed by a giant meteor and a giant asteroid.

[dramatic music playing]

The asteroid musta been attracted by the meteor's gravity.

Asteroid, meteor, what's the difference?

The asteroid orbits the sun.

A meteor is smaller and earth-bound.

No, no, no, you nudnik.

I meant, who cares? We're gonna die either way.

It gets even worse. There's also a giant comet.

Hey, and what are those?

Those must be aliens with super-lasers,

here to blow up the planet and mine ore from the rubble.

No, I meant those.

Those must be aliens with super-duper lasers,

-here to steal the ore from the first aliens. -[phone ringing]

And that's not all. I just got a news alert on my cell phone

that a volcano's erupting,

brain-eating zombies are roving,

the globe's warming,

and Pamela Anderson was seen in last year's Chanel.

Oh, that's such a disaster!

Druidia truly is doomed!

Unless... Nah, never mind.

No, no, come on. What is it, boss?

Well, if we can detonate a b*mb at the precise spot,

we may be able to nudge the meteor off-course,

-slamming it into the asteroid. -Go on.

Well, the asteroid then whacks the comet,

plunging it to earth where it plugs the volcano

and then stops global warming.

Which deprives the zombies of heat,

causing 'em to die a second time.

Exactly. The zombies' tortured souls ascend to heaven

and get sucked into the first aliens' computer system,

giving it a virus and thus provoking a strategic miscalculation

that leads them to declare w*r on the second aliens.

Big mistake.

Big mistake.

In the ensuing space battle, the aliens k*ll each other off

and in the process, destroy both the asteroid and the meteor.

Leaving only Pamela,

who changes into a sweater, because by now,

it's night time, and it's chilly out.

Bingo, Druidia's saved.

It's a crazy plan, but it just might work.

I dunno what they're talking about.

-Do you know what they're talking about? -Sha, sha.

-The fewer questions asked, the better for all of us. -Hmm.

I believe in you, Lone Starr.

That's why I'm coming with you.

No, princess.

This here's a job for me and my man.

-See? See? I told you. -Shut up.

[ticking]

[Lone Starr] Okay, big guy, we only have one shot at this.

"X" marks the spot.

Damn it! The speakers are too big.

Can't reach the b*mb to unload it.

Hurry, Lone Starr, hurry.

We don't have much time left in this episode.

And if we go over our page count,

the network will k*ll us!

It's been a good ride, my man,

-but we both know what needs to be done. -[trumpets]

[expl*si*n]

[expl*si*n]

Hey, it's working. I don't believe it.

[Skroob] I don't believe it!

This is totally implausible.

It breaks every law of physics.

Yes, and Pamela Anderson would never wear that sweater.

It's not tight enough.

[salacious chuckle]

Well, Bobby,

looks like we'll need another meteor,

the mightiest meteor of all.

And Druidia won't escape this time.

We'll smash everything!

Men, women, dogs, cats, horses, cows...

Whoa, hold on there, jerky turkey.

You didn't say there were cows on Druidia.

-Yeah, so? -Well, cows are sacred to our people.

Cows? Get outta town!

All cows do is fart and become hamburgers.

[sputters]

Okay, with all due respect,

you take that back right now.

[chuckles] What are you gonna do, Bobby?

Really, what are you gonna do?

Hey, you can't deport us, you stupid Indiots!

I'm a Moron!

You hear me?

I'm the biggest moron of them all!

You got that right.

[cheering]

Whoa...

-[dance music plays] -[women giggling]

Okay, one at a time.

All right, two at a time, but that's it.

All right, three, but that's my final offer.

He was so brave.

A true hero.

I'm gonna miss him most of all.

Lone Starr! You survived!

I did, inexplicably.

My man, well, he wasn't so lucky.

-[high-pitched whistling] -Could it be?

It is! It's him! It's him!

Ahh! Ugh!

Can somebody get this thing off me?

[elephant trumpets]

[theme music playing]