01x05 - Coffee Shop Wars

[bunniefuu]

-[both slurping]
-[both] Ah!

The coffee is extra
middle of the road today.

-Thanks?
-The secret is

that the coffee machine
hasn't been cleaned

for over 40 years.

Uh, is that, like, safe?

That's how diner coffee
gets its robust flavor,

and it's the main reason

this place will never
go out of business.

-[door rattles]
-[Valencia] Hot brown!

I said hot brown.

Who wants to come on down
for a free sample?

Free sample?
Free sample?

[both] Free?

Free sample?

[both chomping]

So good.

What is this?

It's a dough-dunk.

Made using a patented technique
of fusing food,

which netted me first prize
on Meal Central Station's

Foodie Food Wars,
by the way.

Huh, what's it a fusion of?

It's a doughnut

-fused with coffee.
-Hmm. Isn't that just

-dunking it?
-No!

Who does she think she is,

waltzing up in here

with her hot brown,
and her big, cool boots?

Come on, Eileen.
Maybe she's nice.

Her jib, Margaret.

I don't like the cut of it.

My name's Valencia,
by the way.

Nice to meet you, Valencia.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

My name's Margaret,
and I work, well, here.

Aw, that's so awesome,
Arg-ar-et.

By the way, everyone,
if you leave this cafe

and go to Hot Brown
right now,

you get half off
my tasty little nugs.

[indistinct cheering]

I'll see you girls
later on. Or not.

Well, that couldn't have
gone worse.

I told you.

You can always tell
by the jib.

[Margaret] See, Eileen, look.

It's just
a dinky little pop-up.

Wake up, Margaret.

Pop-ups like these
are how these things start.

Popping up everywhere,

taking down innocent shops
like ours every day.

-What's going on here?
-Oh, hey, boss.

Another pop-up?

[Eileen] Wait, look.
It's the cops!

What is this
ramshackle operation?

-[tense music playing]
-You got a permit?

No, but I got
free samples.

I suppose we could
sample freely.

[both chomping]

You thinking
what I'm thinking?

[both grunting]

This building
is all yours.

No permit required.

Gee, thanks so much, officers.

[all] Hot brown!

Well, I give us a week.

Ugh, what are we gonna do?

I don't want
the coffee shop to close.

-I need this paycheck.
-Same.

Well, we can always rely
on our regulars.

Yeah, like Mordecai and Rigby.

[Mordecai and Rigby] Hot brown!

Gonna get
some hot brown.

Et tu, Rigby?

Maybe it is hopeless.

No. Enough moping around.

-[valiant music playing]
-We can save the shop

and take down Hot Brown.

We can be the masters
of our own destiny.

Yeah! Let's do it!

[upbeat music playing]

Oh, jeez,

we never had
this many customers.

How'd they even
set this place up so fast?

It was a condemned building
like 20 minutes ago.

-[cracks]
-[man exclaims]

How good could
the food even be?

An excellent question,

which I intend
to get to the bottom of.

Wait, where's your disguise?

Oh, right.

Not what I was imagining,
but I like the simplicity.

Okay, yeah. I'm gonna get
my dough-dunk raised,

glazed and double-dunked
in hot brown.

I'm going cake, chocolate,
extra wet, and hot brown.

I'm the coolest person
in this line.

So, for me, it's gotta be
bucket of holes,

mega wet,
in hot-hot brown-brown.

Man, everybody's going
bonkers for this stuff.

We gotta try it.

Wait, look.

An abandoned dough-dunk.

Let's go sneak a bite.
Come on.

-[gasps]
-Dough-dunk thief!

We're not stealing.
Someone just left it.

No one would ever
abandon a dough-dunk.

It was being given time
to breathe.

Any real Hot Brown customer
would know that.

Easy, Gregoire.

I'll take it from here.

Hi, girls.

Unfortunately,
Hot Brown has a strict

"no scavenging" rule.

However, if you wait around
until we close up,

we do let non-payers
lick the dirty plates clean.

We don't want
your pity licks.

We don't like
fusion food.

And we want you out
of our neighborhood!

Pfft, I knew you weren't
a real suffragist.

Who's your friend?

[gasps] Arg-ar-et.

Well, pre-dunked fusion food
is the future,

and there's nothing
you can do to stop me!

[ominous music playing]

Hot brown.

[all] Hot brown!

-[both thud]
-[both grunt]

Enjoy the day-olds, losers.

[Eileen] Argh!

Stupid trendy Val
and her stupid trendy pop-up.

We can't just
let her win.

We might need to just bite
the dough-dunk on this one.

No way.
I am not giving up.

No, I mean
actually eat a dough-dunk

to see what's
so great about it.

Margaret! You're a genius.

[chomps]

Oh, my gosh. [exhales]

It's so good.

If these are the day-olds,

I'd hate to taste
the today-youngs.

If we're gonna beat out
Hot Brown for good,

we're gonna have
to think bigger.

Wait. I've got it.

What if we made
the perfect fusion food?

Breakfast, lunch,
and dinner?

But how are we gonna
do that?

I don't know. Just fry 'em all
into one big log?

[rock music playing]

[Margaret and Eileen]
The Ultimate Fusion Log!

No time to taste test.

We just have to make
as many as we can

-for the next rush.
-[both grunt]

[ominous music playing]

Ugh!

Hey! The dolts next door
just made something

that could threaten
our business!

Get over there
and grab that recipe!

We're culinary geniuses.

Aren't we kind of
above stealing

another chef's recipes?

Hot brown!

What? No, no, no.
Not the industrial dishwasher!

-[screams]
-[sizzling]

Anyone else believe
in the value

of artistic ownership?

That's what I thought.

I want that log!

Wow, I can't believe
these were so easy to make.

These will save
the coffee shop for sure.

And now,

for the finishing touch.
Dessert.

Uh, is it supposed
to do that?

[both] Whoa!

-What the heck is--
-[both scream]

[both screaming]

-[groans]
-[tense music playing]

Where are we?

[Goddess of Breakfast]
Foolish mortals.

Ah. Who are you?

[all] We are the goddesses...

of breakfast.

-Lunch.
-And dinner.

We demand you cease blazing
this gastronomic path.

What? The logs? No way.

People are gonna
love 'em.

Yes, a little too much.

And then it will replace
all meals as we know it.

Diners and coffee shops
will be a thing of the past.

[Goddess of Brunch]
Sounds good to us.

Wait. Who are you?

[all] We are
the Goddesses of Fusion.

Brunch.

-Linner.
-And Lupper.

Margaret, Eileen,

when my sisters and I
see your logs,

we see perfection.

You will usher in
a new age of eating.

Like, continue on your
log-based journey,

and fusion foods will finally
have a chance to reign

-supreme!
-[thunder rumbling]

Plus, you'll be rich
beyond your wildest dreams.

What do we do?

I mean, we did all of this
to save the coffee shop.

We can't just
let it get destroyed.

Well, we do only
make minimum wage.

That's true.

But, no, we gotta save
the coffee shop.

Sorry, ladies,
but we can't do it.

We agree
with the classic goddesses.

You have made the most
important choice of your life.

But know this.

You must go back
to your realm

and destroy
all of the fusion logs.

No! You'll ruin everything!

The logs must be preserved.

Some things
are the way they are

-for a reason.
-Eat a fat one!

[quarrelling indistinctly]

[Goddess of Linner]
...must be preserved.

Wait. Where'd they go?

They've escaped.

After them!

-[both scream and grunt]
-[exhilarating music playing]

Quick. To destroy
those foul logs! Huh?

[both] Uh...

-[grunts]
-No!

-[customers] Hot Brown Loaf!
-She stole 'em while we were

in the void.

-[customers] Hot Brown Loaf!
-Welcome, everybody.

I know you're all salivating
to try my newest creation.

-[Eileen] Valencia!
-Stop!

These logs are gonna
become so popular

that they will end the concept
of meals as we know it.

Pfft. This is just sad.

You are so jealous of me,

you just had to make up
some ridiculous--

-[crashing]
-[customers screaming]

-[all] Valencia!
-[screams]

Quiet your screams, girl.
We are allies to progress.

We're here
to protect the logs.

Hey, there are those losers

who are trying to stop
our fusion food future.

Eggs Benny!

-[both grunt]
-[expl*si*n]

That was too close--

-[crashing]
-[gasps]

The regular meal goddesses.

We prefer "classic."

And you three,

step aside
from those logs.

-Gut b*mb!
-[groaning]

[grunting]

-Hot chicken sandwich!
-[screaming]

[goddesses grunting]

Lock in, Margaret.

It's time to trash these logs.

-[grunts]
-[splashes]

-[whirring]
-Pass me another.

Okay. Huh?

Give me that log!

-No!
-All I need

is a little taste
so I can recreate it.

[Margaret] No way.
That's not even possible!

Yes, it is!

I have perfect
flavor memory!

Hey, Val. Recreate this.

[expl*si*n]

No! [gasps]

Oh, no. There's one left.
Stop her!

[Goddesses grunting]

[giggling]

-[clinks]
-[grunts]

-[clangs]
-[thuds]

We did it!

Wow, how touching.

Hand over the log
or face death by food.

Any last words?

-How about a last meal?
-[Goddess of Brunch] What?

-[both chomping]
-No!

[burping]

This isn't the future
I envisioned.

No! No!

[both chomping]

[gulps] Ugh.

I might need
a barf bucket.

We owe you girls
a debt of gratitude.

You just saved cuisine
as we know it.

[wailing] My loaf!

You're not gonna let them
get away with this, are you?

-Eh.
-Yeah, that was really gross,

so we're kind of rethinking
our whole vibe

right now on fusion.

Yeah. Bye.

[Valencia wailing] No!

Fusion food is not gross!

-It's over, Valencia.
-No!

Guys, come on.

Let's make a new fusion.

Right now. [chuckles]

Like cold brown.

How about cold brown?

Cold brown!

-[grunts]
-What did you just call it?

Cold brown?

-[groaning]
-[handcuffs click]

-[siren blaring]
-Prison food is so un-chic!

You know, I'm kind of
in the mood

for some really decent

middle of the road
diner coffee.

[both grunt softly]

So then, we got sucked up
into this mysterious portal.

And we met the council
of the food goddesses.

It was crazy.

Man, I wish we got to do
cool stuff like that.

[theme music playing]