Big Lebowski, The (1998)

[bunniefuu]

Way out West

there was this fella.

Fella I wanna tell you about.

Fella by the name

of Jeff Lebowski.

At least that was the handle

that his loving parents

gave him.

But he never had

much use for it himself.

This Lebowski,

he called himself the Dude.

Now Dude,

that's a name no one would

self-apply where I come from.

But then there was a lot about

the Dude that didn't make

a whole lot of sense to me,

and a lot about

where he lived likewise.

But then again,

maybe that's why

I found the place

so darned interesting.

They call Los Angeles

the City of Angels.

I didn't find it to be that,

exactly.

But I'll allow there are

some nice folks there.

Course, I can't say

I seen London,

and I never been to France,

and I ain't never seen no

queen in her damned undies,

as the fella says.

But I'll tell you what,

after seeing Los Angeles

and this here story

I'm about to unfold,

well, I guess

I've seen something

every bit as stupefying

as you can see in any of

those other places,

and in English, too.

So I can die with

a smile on my face

without feeling like

the good Lord gypped me.

Now, this here story

I'm about to unfold

took place back

in the early 90s,

just about the time

of our conflict with

S*ddam and the lraqis.

I only mention it 'cause

sometimes there's a man...

I won't say a hero.

'Cause what's a hero?

But sometimes there's a man...

And I'm talking about

the Dude here.

Sometimes there's a man...

Well, he's the man

for his time and place.

He fits right in there.

And that's the Dude

in Los Angeles.

And even if he is a lazy man,

and the Dude was

most certainly that,

quite possibly the laziest

in Los Angeles county,

which would place him

high in the running

for laziest worldwide.

But sometimes there's a man...

Sometimes there's a man...

Well, I lost my train

of thought here.

But...

Hell, I done introduced him

enough.

...with them all

for a collective action.

This will not stand.

This will not stand,

this aggression

against Kuwait.

Where's the money,

Lebowski?

I want that money,

Lebowski.

Bunny says you're

good for it.

Where's the money,

Lebowski?

Where's the money,

Lebowski?

Where's the f*cking money,

It's down there somewhere.

Let me take another look.

Don't f*ck with us.

Your wife owes money

to Jackie Treehorn,

that means you owe money

to Jackie Treehorn.

Ever thus to d*adbeats,

Lebowski.

No, don't do...

Not on the rug, man.

MAN: See?

See what happens, Lebowski?

You see what happens?

Nobody calls me Lebowski.

You got the wrong guy.

I'm the Dude, man.

Your name's Lebowski,

Lebowski.

Your wife is Bunny.

My wife? Bunny?

Do you see a wedding ring

on my finger?

Does this place look like

I'm f*cking married?

The toilet seat's up, man!

What the f*ck is this?

Obviously you're

not a golfer.

Woo?

Yeah.

Isn't this guy supposed

to be a millionaire?

WOO: f*ck.

Yeah. What do you think?

He looks like

a f*cking loser.

Hey, at least I'm housebroken.

f*cking time-waster.

Thanks a lot,

as*h*le.

I'm throwing rocks tonight.

Mark it, Dude.

WALTER: I'm telling you,

this was a valued rug.

This was a...

Yeah, man. It really

tied the room together.

This was

a valued...

What tied the room

together, Dude?

My rug.

Were you listening

to the Dude's story,

Donny?

What?

Walter.

Were you listening

to the Dude's story?

I was bowling.

So you have no frame of

reference here, Donny.

You're like a child who

wanders into the middle of

a movie and wants to know...

Walter, what's

the point, man?

There's no reason,

here's my point, Dude.

There's no f*cking reason

why these two...

Yeah, Walter,

what's your point?

Walter, what is the...

Look, we all know

who is at fault here.

What the f*ck are

you talking about?

Huh?

No, what the f*ck

are you... I'm not...

We're talking about

unchecked aggression

here, Dude.

What the f*ck is

he talking about?

My rug.

Forget it, Donny!

You're out of

your element!

Walter, the Chinaman

who peed on my rug,

I can't go

give him a bill!

So what the f*ck

are you talking about?

What the f*ck are

you talking about?

The Chinaman is not

the issue here, Dude!

I'm talking about

drawing a line in

the sand, Dude.

Across this line

you do not...

Also, Dude, "Chinaman"

is not the preferred

nomenclature.

Asian-American,

please.

Walter, this isn't a guy

who built the railroads

here. This is a guy...

What the f*ck

are you...

- Walter, he peed

on my rug!

- He peed on

the Dude's rug.

Donny, you're out

of your element.

Dude, the Chinaman

is not the issue here.

So, who...

Jeff Lebowski.

The other Jeffrey Lebowski.

The millionaire.

That's f*cking

interesting, man.

That's f*cking interesting.

Plus, he has the

wealth, obviously,

and the resources,

so that there's no reason,

there's no f*cking reason

why his wife should

go out and owe money

all over town,

and then they come

and they pee on your

f*cking rug!

- Am I wrong?

- No.

- Am I wrong?

- Yeah, but...

WALTER: Okay then.

That rug really tied

the room together,

did it not?

- f*cking A.

- And this guy peed on it.

Donny, please.

You know, this is

the f*cking guy...

I could find this

f*cking Lebowski guy.

His name is Lebowski?

That's your name, Dude.

This is the guy who

should compensate me

for the f*cking rug.

His wife goes out and

owes money all over town,

and they pee on my rug?

They pee on

your f*cking rug?

Peed on my f*cking rug.

That's right, Dude.

They peed on

your f*cking rug.

This is the study.

As you can see, the various

commendations, awards...

"Jeffrey Lebowski."

...citations, honorary

degrees, et cetera.

Very impressive.

Oh, please feel free

to inspect them.

Oh. No, I'm not really...

Oh, please. Please.

That is the key to

the city of Pasadena,

which Mr. Lebowski received

two years ago in recognition

of his various civic...

Oh! That's the Los Angeles

Chamber of Commerce

Business Achiever Award,

which is given...

Oh, not necessarily

given every year.

Hey, is this...

Given only when there's

a worthy somebody...

Is this him with Nancy?

Yes, indeed,

that is Mr. Lebowski

with the first lady, yes.

It was taken

when Mrs. Reagan...

That's Lebowski

on the left there?

Of course. Mr. Lebowski,

on the left...

So he's a...

You know, a handicapped

kind of guy?

Mr. Lebowski is

disabled, yes.

This picture was taken

when Mrs. Reagan was

first lady of the nation.

Yes, yes.

Not of California.

Good shot.

In fact, he met privately

with the President,

though, unfortunately,

there wasn't enough time

for a photo opportunity.

- Oh, Nancy's pretty good.

- Oh, wonderful woman.

We were very happy to...

These are...

Oh, those are

Mr. Lebowski's

children, so to speak.

Different mothers, huh?

No, they're not...

Racially, he's

pretty cool?

They're not literally

his children.

They're the Little Lebowski

Urban Achievers,

inner city children

of promise, but without

the necessary means for...

Necessary means for

a higher education,

so Mr. Lebowski is

committed to sending

all of them to college.

Excuse me.

Oh, geez.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Far out. Think he's got

room for one more?

- One... Oh.

You never went to college.

- Please, don't touch that.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, I did,

but, you know,

I spent most of my time

occupying various

administration buildings,

smoking a lot

of Thai stick,

breaking into the ROTC

and bowling.

Tell you the truth, Brandt,

I don't remember most of it.

Okay, sir.

You're a Lebowski,

I'm a Lebowski.

That's terrific.

But I am very busy,

as I imagine you are.

What can I do for you, sir?

Well, sir,

it's this rug I have.

It really tied

the room together.

You told Brandt

on the phone.

He told me.

Where do I fit in?

Well, they were looking

for you, these two guys.

You know, they...

I'll say it again.

You told Brandt on the phone.

He told me.

I know what happened.

Yes, yes.

Oh, so you know that

they were trying to

piss on your rug.

Did I urinate on your rug?

You mean, did you personally

come and pee on my rug?

Hello! Do you speak

English, sir?

Parla usted ingles?

I'll ask you again.

Did I urinate on your rug?

No. Like I said,

Woo peed on my rug.

I just want to

understand this, sir.

Every time a rug

is micturated upon

in this fair city,

I have to compensate

the person?

Come on, man.

I'm not trying to

scam anybody here.

You know, I'm just...

You're just looking for

a handout like every other...

Are you employed,

Mr. Lebowski?

Wait. Let me explain

something to you.

I am not Mr. Lebowski.

You're Mr. Lebowski.

I'm the Dude.

So that's what you call me.

You know?

That or His Dudeness,

or Duder or, you know,

El Duderino, if you're not

into the whole brevity thing.

Are you employed, sir?

Employed?

You don't go out looking for

a job dressed like that,

do you? On a weekday?

Is this a...

- What day is this?

- Well, I do work, sir.

- So, if you don't mind...

- No, I do mind. The Dude minds.

This will not stand, you know.

This aggression

will not stand, man.

I mean,

your wife owes money...

My wife is not

the issue here!

I hope that someday

my wife will learn to

live on her allowance,

which is ample.

But if she does not,

that is her problem,

not mine,

just as the rug

is your problem.

Just as every bum's

lot in life is his

own responsibility,

regardless of who

he chooses to blame.

I didn't blame anyone

for the loss of my legs.

Some Chinaman took them

from me in Korea.

But I went out

and achieved anyway.

I cannot solve

your problems, sir.

Only you can.

- Well, f*ck it.

- Oh, f*ck it.

Yes, that's your answer.

That's your answer

to everything.

Tattoo it on your forehead!

Your revolution is over,

Mr. Lebowski!

Condolences! The bums lost!

My advice to you is to do

what your parents did!

Get a job, sir!

The bums will

always lose!

Do you hear me,

Lebowski?

The bums will

always lose.

How was your meeting,

Mr. Lebowski?

Okay.

The old man told me to take

any rug in the house.

Well, enjoy.

And perhaps we'll see you

again sometime, Dude.

Yeah, sure.

If I'm in the neighborhood,

you know,

and I need to use the john.

- Blow on them.

- Huh?

Go ahead. Blow.

You want me to blow

on your toes?

Uh-huh.

I can't blow that far.

Are you sure he won't mind?

BUNNY: Uli doesn't

care about anything.

He's a nihilist.

Oh, that must be exhausting.

You're not blowing.

Our guest has to

be getting along,

Mrs. Lebowski.

Oh!

You're Bunny.

I'll suck your c*ck

for $1 ,000.

Wonderful woman.

We're all very fond of her.

Very free-spirited.

Brandt can't watch though,

or he has to pay $100.

That's marvelous.

I'm just gonna go

find a cash machine.

I'm slamming them tonight!

You guys are dead

in the water.

WALTER: All right!

Way to go, Donny!

"lf you will it,

it is no dream."

f*cking 20 minutes late, man.

What the f*ck is that?

Theodore Herzl.

Huh?

State of lsrael.

If you will it, Dude,

it is no dream.

What the f*ck are you

talking about, man?

The carrier. What's in

the f*cking carrier?

Huh?

Oh! Cynthia's dog.

Think it's a Pomeranian.

Can't leave him home alone

or he eats the furniture.

I'm watching it

while Cynthia and Marty

Ackerman are in Hawaii.

You brought a f*cking

Pomeranian bowling?

What do you mean,

brought it bowling?

I didn't rent it shoes.

I'm not buying it

a f*cking beer.

He's not taking your

f*cking turn, Dude.

Man, if my f*cking ex-wife

asked me to take care of

her f*cking dog

while she and her boyfriend

went to Honolulu,

I'd tell her to

go f*ck herself.

Why can't she board it?

First of all, Dude,

you don't have an ex.

Secondly, this is

a f*cking show dog

with f*cking papers.

You can't board it.

It gets upset.

lts hair falls out.

Walter...

f*cking dog has

f*cking papers.

Over the line!

Huh?

I'm sorry, Smokey.

You were over the line.

That's a foul.

Bullshit. Mark it eight, Dude.

Excuse me. Mark it zero.

Next frame.

Bullshit, Walter.

Mark it eight, Dude.

Smokey, this is not Nam.

This is bowling.

There are rules.

Hey, Walter, come on.

Hey, man, it's Smokey.

So his toe slipped over

a little, you know.

It's just a game, man.

This is a league game.

This determines who enters

the next round robin.

Am I wrong?

SMOKEY: Yeah, but I wasn't...

- Am I wrong?

- Yeah, but I wasn't over.

Give me the marker, Dude.

I'm marking an eight.

- Smokey, my friend,

...you're entering a world of pain.

- Walter, man.

You mark that frame an

eight, you're entering

a world of pain.

- I'm not...

- A world of pain.

Look, Dude,

this is your partner.

Has the whole world

gone crazy?

Am I the only one

around here who gives

a sh*t about the rules?

Mark it zero!

They're calling the cops, man.

Put the piece away.

Mark it zero!

DUDE: Walter,

put the piece away.

Walter.

You think I'm f*cking

around here?

Mark it zero!

All right. It's f*cking zero.

You happy,

you crazy f*ck?

It's a league game,

Smokey.

You can't do that, man.

These guys, you know,

they're like me,

they're pacifists.

Smokey was a

conscientious objector.

You know, Dude,

I myself dabbled in

pacifism at one point.

Not in Nam, of course.

And you know he's got

emotional problems, man.

You mean, beyond pacifism?

He's fragile.

He's very fragile.

I did not know that.

Well, it's all water

under the bridge.

And we do enter

the next round robin.

- Am I wrong?

- No, you're not wrong.

Am I wrong?

You're not wrong, Walter.

You're just an as*h*le.

Okay then.

Play Quintana and

O'Brien next week.

They should be pushovers.

Man, would you just...

Just take it easy, man.

You know, that's your answer

for everything, Dude.

Let me point out something.

Pacifism is not...

Look at our current

situation with that

camel f*ck in lraq.

Pacifism is not something

to hide behind.

Just take it easy, man.

I'm perfectly calm, Dude.

Yeah, waving the

f*cking g*n around?

Calmer than you are.

Will you just take it easy?

Calmer than you are.

Dude, this is Smokey.

Look, I don't wanna be

a hard-on about this,

and I know

it wasn't your fault,

but I just thought

it was fair to tell you

that Gilbert and I will be

submitting this to the league

and asking them

to set aside the round.

I don't know,

maybe forfeit it to us.

So, like I say, just thought,

you know, fair warning.

Tell Walter.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Lebowski,

this is Brandt at...

Well, at Mr. Lebowski's

office.

Please call us

as soon as it's convenient.

Mr. Lebowski,

this is Mel Zelnicker

of the Southern Cal

Bowling League.

I just got an informal report

that a member of your team,

a Walter Sobchak,

drew a firearm

during league play.

If this is true, of course,

it contravenes a number of

the league's bylaws

and also article 27

of the league...

Dude.

Hey, Marty.

Dude, I finally got...

I got the venue I wanted.

I'm performing

my dance quintet,

you know, my cycle,

at Crane Jackson's

Fountain Street Theater

on Tuesday night.

And, well, I'd love it if

you came and gave me notes.

I'll be there, man.

Dude, tomorrow's

already the tenth.

Far out.

Oh. Oh, all right. Okay.

Just slip the rent

under my door.

ZELNICKER ON MACHINE:

...serious infraction

and examine your standing.

Thank you.

Mr. Lebowski, Brandt again.

Please do call us

as soon as you get in

and I'll send the limo.

I hope you're not avoiding

this call because of the rug,

which I assure you

is not a problem.

We need your help, and...

Well, we would very

much like to see you.

Thank you. It's Brandt.

We've had some

terrible news.

Mr. Lebowski's in seclusion

in the west wing.

Mr. Lebowski.

Funny.

I can look back on

a life of achievement,

challenges met,

competitors bested,

obstacles overcome.

I've accomplished

more than most men

and without

the use of my legs.

What makes a man,

Mr. Lebowski?

Dude.

Huh?

Oh, I don't know, sir.

Is it being prepared

to do the right thing,

whatever the cost?

Isn't that what

makes a man?

Sure, that and

a pair of testicles.

You're joking,

but perhaps you're right.

You mind if I do a Jay?

Bunny.

Excuse me?

Bunny Lebowski.

She is the light of my life.

Are you surprised

at my tears, sir?

Oh, f*cking A.

Strong men also cry.

Strong men also cry.

LEBOWSKl: I received

this fax this morning.

As you can see,

it is a ransom note.

DUDE: "We have Bunny."

Written by men who were

unable to achieve on a

level field of play.

"Gather $1 million..."

Cowards!

"...in unmarked,

nonconsecutive 20s."

Weaklings!

"Await instructions."

Bums!

"No funny stuff."

Bummer.

Huh?

This is a bummer, man.

That's... That's a bummer.

Brandt will fill you in

on the details.

Mr. Lebowski is prepared

to make a generous offer

to you to act as courier

once we get instructions

for the money.

Why me, man?

He believes the culprits

might be the very people

who soiled your rug

and you are in a unique

position to confirm or

disconfirm that suspicion.

He thinks the carpet pissers

did this?

Well, Dude,

we just don't know.

f*cking Quintana.

That creep can roll, man.

- Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.

- Yeah.

No, he's a sex offender

with a record.

He did six months in Chino

for exposing himself to an eight-year-old.

WALTER: When he moved

to Hollywood, he had

to go door-to-door

to tell everyone

he was a pederast.

DONNY: What's a

pederast, Walter?

Shut the f*ck up, Donny.

So, how much

did he give you?

20 grand, man.

And, of course,

I still get to keep the rug.

- Just for making a hand-off?

- Yeah.

They gave Dude a beeper.

So whenever

these guys call...

What if it's

during a game?

Oh, I told them

if it was during

league play...

What's during

league play?

Life does not

stop and start

at your convenience,

you miserable

piece of sh*t.

- I figure...

- What's wrong with

Walter, Dude?

I figure

it's easy money, you know.

It's all pretty harmless.

She probably

kidnapped herself.

- What do you mean, Dude?

- Rug-peers did not do this.

Look at it. A young

trophy wife marries

this guy for his money.

She figures he isn't

giving her enough, you know.

She owes money all over town.

That f*cking b*tch!

It's all a g*dd*mn fake, man.

It's like Lenin said,

you look for the person

who will benefit

and, you know...

- I Am the Walrus?

- You know, you'll...

- You know what I'm trying to say.

- I Am the Walrus.

That f*cking b*tch!

Oh, yeah!

- I Am the Walrus.

- That's...

Shut the f*ck up,

Donny!

V.l. Lenin, Vladimir llyich Ulyanov!

What the f*ck is he talking about?

f*cking exactly what happened to those...

WALTER: That makes me f*cking sick!

DUDE: Well, what do

you care, Walter?

- Those rich f*ck.

This whole f*cking thing.

I did not watch my buddies

die face down in the muck

so that this f*cking strumpet,

this f*cking wh*re, could waltz around...

I don't see any connection with Vietnam, man.

Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.

No, Walter, face it,

there isn't any connection.

Your roll. Have it your way.

- Your roll.

- But my point is...

My point is...

QUINTANA: Are you ready

to be f*cked, man?

I see you rolled your way into the semis.

Dios mio, man.

Liam and me, we're gonna f*ck you up.

Yeah? Well, you know,

that's just like your opinion, man.

Let me tell you

something, pendejo.

You pull any of your

crazy sh*t with us,

you flash a piece out

on the lanes,

I'll take it away from you

and stick it up your a*s

and pull the f*cking trigger

till it goes click.

Jesus.

You said it, man.

Nobody f*ck with the Jesus.

Eight-year-olds, Dude.

BRANDT: They called

about 80 minutes ago.

They want you

to take the money,

drive north on the 405.

They will call you

on the portable phone

with instructions

in about 40 minutes.

One person only.

They were very clear on that,

or I'd go with you.

One person only.

- What happened to yourjaw?

- Oh, nothing, man.

Here's the money.

And the phone.

Please, Dude, follow

whatever instructions

they give.

All right.

Her life is in your hands.

Man, don't say that.

Mr. Lebowski

asked me to repeat that,

her life is in your hands.

Oh, sh*t, man.

Her life is in

your hands, Dude.

Report back to us

as soon as it's done.

Where the f*ck

are you going, man?

Take the ringer,

I'll drive.

The what?

The ringer.

The ringer, Dude.

DUDE: What the...

Have they called yet?

What the hell is this?

My dirty undies, Dude.

The laundry. The whites.

Walter, I'm sure there's

a reason you brought

your dirty undies, man.

That's right, Dude.

The weight.

The ringer cannot look empty.

Walter, what the f*ck

are you thinking, man?

You're right, Dude.

I got to thinking.

I got to thinking,

why should we settle for

a measly f*cking 20 grand...

We? What the f*ck, "we"?

You said you just wanted

to come along.

My point, Dude,

is why should we

settle for 20 grand

when we can keep

the entire million?

Am I wrong?

Yes, you're wrong. This

isn't a f*cking game, man.

Oh, but it is a game.

You said so yourself.

She kidnapped herself.

I said I thought...

Dude, here.

MAN: (WITH GERMAN ACCENT)

Who is this?

Dude. The bagman, man.

Where do you want us to go?

Us?

sh*t!

Yeah, you know,

me and the driver.

I'm not handling the money,

driving the car and talking

on the phone all by my...

Shut the f*ck up!

- Dude, are you f*cking this up?

- Who is that?

That is the driver.

I told you...

Oh, sh*t!

What the f*ck's going on?

Walter...

What the f*ck is going on?

He hung up, man.

You f*cked it up.

You f*cked it up!

- Her life was in

our hands, man.

- Easy, Dude.

We're screwed now.

We don't get sh*t.

They're gonna k*ll her.

- We're f*cked, Walter.

- Nothing is f*cked, Dude.

Come on.

You're being very un-Dude.

They'll call back.

Look, she kidnapped...

You see? Nothing's

f*cked here, Dude.

Nothing is f*cked.

They're a bunch of

f*cking amateurs.

Walter, will you just

shut the f*ck up?

Don't say peep while

I'm doing business here, man.

Okay, Dude.

Have it your way.

But they're amateurs.

f*ck.

Dude.

MAN: Okay, we proceed

but only if there

is no funny stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

So no funny stuff Okay?

Just tell me where the f*ck

you want us to go.

That was the sign, man.

So, all we gotta do

is get her back.

No one's in a position

to complain.

- We keep the baksheesh.

- Yeah, terrific, Walter.

But you haven't told me

how we're gonna get her

back. Where is she?

That's the simple part, Dude.

We make the hand-off,

I grab one of them and

beat it out of him. Huh?

That's a great plan, Walter.

That's f*cking ingenious,

if I understand it correctly.

It's a Swiss f*cking watch.

That's right, Dude.

The beauty of this

is its simplicity.

Once a plan gets too complex,

everything can go wrong.

If there's one thing

I learned in Nam...

Dude.

MAN: You are coming

to wooden bridge.

When you cross the bridge,

you throw the bag

from the left window

of the moving car.

You're being watched.

f*ck.

What'd he say?

Where's the hand-off?

There is no f*cking

hand-off, man.

At the wooden bridge

we throw the money

out of the car.

We throw the money

out of the moving car.

We can't do that, Dude.

That f*ck up our plan.

Well, call them up

and explain it

to them, Walter.

Your plan is so

f*cking simple,

I'm sure they'll

f*cking understand it.

That's the beauty of it.

WALTER: Wooden

bridge, huh?

Throw them the money, Walter.

We're not f*cking around, man.

Okay, Dude, the bridge

is coming up. Give me

the ringer, chop-chop.

f*ck that.

Walter, I love you,

but sooner or later you're

gonna have to face the fact

you're a g*dd*mn moron.

Okay, Dude. No time to argue.

Hey, man!

Here's the bridge.

Hey, Walter! Hey, Walter!

Hey, Walter!

Here goes the ringer!

What the f*ck?

Okay, Dude, you're wheel.

Hey, man, what the f*ck?

At 15 mph, I roll out.

I double back,

grab one of them

and beat it out of him.

The U*i.

U*i.

You didn't think I was

rolling out of here

naked, did you?

Walter, please!

Fifteen, Dude! This is it!

Let's take that hill!

Walter!

We have it!

We have it!

We have it!

f*ck it, Dude.

Let's go bowling.

Aitz chaim he, Dude,

as the ex used to say.

What the f*ck is that

supposed to mean?

What the f*ck are we

gonna tell Lebowski?

Oh, him.

I don't know.

What exactly

is the problem?

The problem is...

What do you mean,

what's the...

There was no...

We didn't...

They're gonna k*ll

that poor woman, man!

What the f*ck

are you talking about?

The poor woman,

that poor sl*t

kidnapped herself.

Come on, Dude.

You said so yourself.

Man, I said I thought

she kidnapped herself.

You're the one who's

so f*cking certain.

That's right, Dude.

100% certain.

They posted the next round

for the tournament.

Donny, shut the f*ck...

When do we play?

This Saturday. Quintana and...

Saturday? Well, they'll

have to reschedule.

Walter, what am l

gonna tell Lebowski?

I told that f*ck

down at the league office.

Who's in charge of scheduling?

Walter!

Burkhalter.

I told that kraut

a f*cking thousand times,

I don't roll on shabbos!

Walter!

They already posted it.

Well, they can

f*cking un-post it!

Who gives a sh*t?

They're gonna k*ll

that poor woman, man!

What am I gonna

tell Lebowski?

Come on, Dude.

Eventually she'll get tired

of her little game and,

you know, wander on back.

How come you don't roll

on Saturday, Walter?

I'm shomer shabbos.

- What's that, Walter?

- Yeah, and in the meantime,

what do I tell Lebowski?

Saturday, Donny, is shabbos,

the Jewish day of rest.

That means I don't work,

I don't drive a car,

I don't f*cking

ride in a car,

I don't handle money,

I don't turn on the oven

and I sure as sh*t

don't f*cking roll!

Sheesh.

Shomer shabbos!

- Walter, how am I gonna...

- Shomer f*cking shabbos!

- Oh, f*ck! That's it. I'm out of here.

- Oh, come on, Dude.

Dude! Dude!

You just tell him...

Tell him we made the drop

and everything went,

you know...

Oh, yeah.

How'd it go?

Went all right.

Dude's car got

a little dinged up.

Walter, we didn't make

the f*cking hand-off, man!

They didn't get

the f*cking money!

And they're gonna...

They're gonna...

They're gonna k*ll

that poor woman.

They're gonna k*ll

that poor woman!

Walter, if you can't

ride in a car,

then how do you get

around on shabbos?

Really, Dude,

you surprise me.

They're not gonna

k*ll sh*t.

They're not gonna do sh*t.

What can they do to her?

Bunch of f*cking amateurs.

And meanwhile,

look at the bottom line.

Who's sitting on a million

f*cking dollars?

Am I wrong?

Walter.

Who's got a f*cking

million f*cking dollars

sitting in the trunk of our car?

Our car, Walter?

And what do they got?

My dirty undies.

My f*cking whites!

Say, Dude?

Where is your car?

- Who's got your undies, Walter?

- Where's your car, Dude?

You don't know,

Walter?

WALTER: It was parked

in a handicap zone.

Perhaps they towed it.

You f*cking know

it's been stolen.

Well, certainly that's

a possibility, Dude.

Oh, f*ck it.

Where you going, Dude?

I'm going home, Donny.

- Phone's ringing, Dude.

- Thank you, Donny!

Yeah.

Green with some brown,

rust coloration.

And was there anything

of value in the car?

Oh, yeah.

A tape deck, some Creedence

tapes, and there was a...

My briefcase.

In the briefcase?

Papers.

Just papers.

You know, my papers,

business papers.

- And what do you do, sir?

- I'm unemployed.

My rug was also stolen.

Your rug was in the car?

No. Here.

Separate incidents.

DUDE ON MACHINE:

The Dude is not in.

Do you find them much,

these stolen cars?

Sometimes.

Wouldn't hold out much hope

for the tape deck though.

Or the Creedence.

What about the briefcase?

WOMAN: Mr. Lebowski,

I'd like to see you.

Call when you get home

and I'll send a car for you.

My name is Maude Lebowski.

I'm the one who took your rug.

Well, guess we can

close the file

on that one.

I'll be with you in

a moment, Mr. Lebowski.

Does the female form

make you uncomfortable,

Mr. Lebowski?

- Is that what this is a picture of?

- In a sense, yes.

My art has been commended

as being strongly vaginal,

which bothers some men.

The word itself makes

some men uncomfortable.

vag*na.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, they don't like

hearing it and find it

difficult to say,

whereas without

batting an eye,

a man will refer to his d*ck,

or his rod or his johnson.

"Johnson"?

All right, Mr. Lebowski,

let's get down to cases.

My father told me he agreed

to let you have the rug,

but as it was a gift

from me to my late mother,

it was not his to give.

Now, your face.

As for this kidnapping.

Huh?

Yes, I know all about it,

and I know that you acted

as courier.

Let me tell you something.

The whole thing stinks to

high heaven.

Yeah, right, but let me

explain something about

the rug.

Do you like sex,

Mr. Lebowski?

- Excuse me?

- Sex, the physical act of love. Coitus.

- Do you like it?

- I was talking about my rug.

You're not interested in sex?

- You mean coitus?

- I like it, too.

It's a male myth about

feminists that we hate sex.

It can be a natural,

zesty enterprise.

However, there are

some people,

it is called

satyriasis in men,

nymphomania in women,

who engage in it compulsively

and without joy.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, yes, Mr. Lebowski.

These unfortunate souls

cannot love, in the true

sense of the word.

Our mutual acquaintance,

Bunny, is one of these.

Listen, Maude,

I'm sorry if your stepmother

is a nympho,

but, you know, I don't see

what this has to do with...

You have any Kahlua?

Take a look at this, sir.

DUDE: Oh, I know that guy.

He's a nihilist.

"Karl Hungus."

Hi.

Hello.

Mein dispatcher says

there is something

wrong with dein Kabel.

Yeah. Come on in.

I'm not really sure

exactly what's really

wrong with the cable.

That's why they sent me.

I am an expert.

The TV's in here.

- You recognize her, of course.

- Helga, bring my tools.

That's my friend Sherry.

She just came over

to use the shower.

The story is ludicrous.

My name is Karl.

lch bin expert.

You must be here

to fix the cable.

Lord, you can imagine

where it goes from here.

He fixes the cable?

Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.

Little matter to me that

this woman chose to pursue

a career in p*rn*graphy,

nor that she has been

banging Jackie Treehorn,

to use the parlance

of our times.

However,

I am one of the two trustees

of the Lebowski Foundation,

the other being my father.

The foundation takes

youngsters from Watts and...

sh*t, yeah. The achievers.

Little Lebowski Urban

Achievers, yes, and proud

we are of all of them.

I asked my father about

his withdrawal of $1 million

from the foundation account,

and he told me

about this abduction,

but I tell you

it is preposterous.

This compulsive fornicator

is taking my father for

the proverbial ride.

Yeah, but my...

I'm getting to your rug.

My father and l

don't get along.

He doesn't approve

of my lifestyle and,

needless to say,

I don't approve of his.

However, I hardly

wish to make my father's

embezzlement a police matter.

So I'm proposing that you

try to recover the money

from the people

you delivered it to.

Well, I could do that.

If you successfully do so,

I will compensate you

to the tune of 10% of

the recovered sum.

A hundred...

Thousand. Yes.

Bones or clams or

whatever you call them.

Yeah, but what about my...

Your rug, yes.

Well, with that money

you can buy any

number of rugs

that don't have sentimental

value for me.

And I am sorry about

that crack on the jaw.

Oh, that's fine.

That doesn't even...

Here's the name and

number of a doctor who

will look at it for you.

You will receive no bill.

He's a good man

and thorough.

That's thoughtful but...

Please see him, Jeffrey.

He's a good man and thorough.

Oh, well, all right.

So he says, "My wife's

a pain in the a*s.

"She's always busting

my frigging agates.

"My daughter's married

to a loser b*stard.

"l got a rash

so bad on my a*s

I can't even sit down.

"But you know me,

I can't complain."

Oh, f*cking A, man.

I got a rash, man. f*cking A.

I gotta tell you, Tone, man,

earlier today I was really

feeling shitty, man.

Really down in the dumps.

Lost a little money...

Hey, you know what?

Forget about it, huh?

Forget about it.

Yeah, f*ck it, man.

You can't be worried

about that sh*t.

Life goes on, man.

Well, home, sweet home,

Mr. L.

TONY: Hey, yo. Come here.

Who's your friend

in the Volkswagen?

Huh?

TONY: Yeah.

He followed us here.

When did he start...

Whoa! What the f*ck?

Get in the limo,

you son of a b*tch!

No arguments!

Hey! Hey! Careful, man!

There's a beverage here!

Start talking,

and talk fast,

you lousy bum.

We've been frantically

trying to reach you, Dude.

Where is my g*dd*mn money,

you bum?

Well, we... I don't...

They did not receive

the money, you nitwit!

They did not

receive the money!

Her life was

in your hands!

This is our concern, Dude.

No, man.

Nothing is f*cked here.

- Nothing is f*cked?

- No, man.

The g*dd*mn plane

has crashed into

the mountain!

Man, come on.

Who are you gonna

believe, those guys or...

We dropped off the damn money.

We?

l, the royal we.

You know. The editorial...

I dropped off the money

exactly as per...

Look, man, I've got

certain information.

All right?

Certain things have

come to light and...

You know, has it ever

occurred to you

that instead of, you know,

running around, blaming me...

You know, given the nature

of all this new sh*t,

you know, this could be

a lot more complex...

I mean, it's not just...

It might not be just such

a simple... You know?

What in God's holy name

are you blathering about?

Well, I'll tell you what

I'm blathering about.

I've got information, man.

New sh*t has come to light.

And, sh*t, man,

she kidnapped herself.

Well, sure, man.

Look at it. You know?

A young trophy wife,

in the parlance of

our times, you know.

She owes money

all over town, including

to known pornographers.

And that's cool.

That's cool.

I'm saying she

needs money, man.

And, you know,

of course they're gonna

say they didn't get it

because she wants more, man.

She's gotta feed the monkey.

I mean...

Hasn't that ever

occurred to you, man?

Sir?

No, Mr. Lebowski,

it had not occurred

to me.

That had not

occurred to us, Dude.

Well, okay, you know?

You guys aren't privy

to all the new sh*t,

so, you know...

But, hey, that's what you...

That's what you pay me for.

Speaking of which,

do you think that you could

give me my $20,000 in cash?

My concern is, and

I've gotta check it

with my accountant,

that this might bump me up

into a higher tax...

Brandt, give him

the envelope.

Oh, well, if you've

already got the check

made out, that's cool.

BRANDT: We received this

this morning.

Since you have

failed to achieve,

even in the modest task

which was your charge,

since you have

stolen my money,

since you have

unrepentantly

betrayed my trust,

I have no choice

but to tell these bums

to do whatever is necessary

to recover their money

from you, Jeffrey Lebowski.

And with Brandt as my witness,

I will tell you this,

any further harm

visited upon Bunny

will be visited tenfold

upon your head.

By God, sir,

I will not abide another toe.

I hear the cottonwoods

whispering above

That wasn't her toe, Dude.

- Whose toe was it, Walter?

- How the f*ck should I know?

- I do know that nothing

about it indicates...

- The nail polish, Walter.

Fine, Dude.

As if it's impossible to get

some nail polish, apply it

to someone else's toe...

Someone else...

Pinking shears.

Where the f*ck are

they gonna get...

You want a toe?

I can get you a toe.

Believe me,

there are ways, Dude.

- You don't wanna know

about it, believe me.

- Yeah, but, Walter...

Hell, I could get you a toe

by 3:00 this afternoon

with nail polish.

- These f*cking amateurs.

- Walter...

They send us a toe,

we're supposed to sh*t

ourselves with fear.

- Jesus Christ!

- Walter...

- The point is...

- They're gonna k*ll her, Walter,

and then they're

gonna k*ll me.

Dude, that's...

That's just the

stress talking, man.

Now, so far we have

what appears to me to be

a series of victimless crimes.

- What about the toe?

- Forget about the f*cking toe!

Excuse me, sir.

Could you please

keep your voices down?

This is a family restaurant.

Oh, please! Dear,

for your information,

the Supreme Court

has roundly rejected

prior restraint.

Come on. Walter,

this is not a First

Amendment thing, man.

Sir, if you don't calm down,

I'm gonna have to

ask you to leave.

Lady, I got buddies

who died face down

in the muck

so that you and I can enjoy

this family restaurant!

All right,

I'm out of here.

Hey, Dude, don't go away, man.

Come on. This affects

all of us, man! lt's

our basic freedoms!

I'm staying.

I'm finishing my coffee.

Enjoying my coffee.

DUDE ON MACHINE:

The Dude is not in.

Leave a message

after the beep.

It takes a minute.

Mr. Lebowski,

this is Duty Officer.

Rolvaag of the LAPD.

We've recovered

your automobile.

It can be claimed

at the North Hollywood

Auto Circus there on Victory.

Their hours there are...

Far out, man. Far f*cking out!

Hey! This is a private

residence, man.

Oh, nice marmot.

(WITH GERMAN ACCENT)

Where is the money, Lebowski?

We wants the money, Lebowski!

You think we are kidding or

making with the funny stuff?

We could do things

you haven't dreamed of,

Lebowski.

Ja, we believes in nothing.

We believes in nothing,

Lebowski. Nothing!

And tomorrow we come back

and we cut off your johnson.

Excuse me?

I said, we cut off

your johnson!

Just think about that,

Lebowski.

Your wiggly p*nis, Lebowski.

Ja. Maybe we stomp on it

and squish it.

MAN: It was discovered

last night in Van Nuys

lodged against an abutment.

DUDE: Oh, man. Lodged where?

You're lucky she didn't

get chopped, Mr. Lebowski.

- Oh, man!

- Must've been

a joyride situation.

They abandoned the vehicle

once they hit the retaining

wall.

Oh, my f*cking

briefcase, man!

It's not here! sh*t!

Yeah, I saw that

on the report. Sorry.

You gotta get in

on the other side.

The side view was found

on the road by the car.

You're lucky they left

the tape deck though,

and the Creedence.

Oh, Jesus!

What's that smell, man?

Yeah. It's probably

a vagrant slept in the car.

Or maybe just used it

as a toilet and moved on.

Hey, man,

are you gonna find these guys?

Or, you know, I mean...

You got any promising

leads or...

Leads?

Yeah. Sure.

I'll just check with the boys

down at the crime lab.

They got four more detectives

working on the case.

They got us working in shifts!

Leads!

DUDE: My only hope is that

the big Lebowski kills me

before the Germans

can cut my d*ck off.

Leads!

Now, that is just

ridiculous, Dude.

No one's going to

cut your d*ck off.

- Thank you, Walter.

- Not if I have anything

to say about it.

Thank you, Walter.

- That makes me feel very secure.

- Dude?

- That makes me feel

very warm inside, man.

- Dude?

This whole f*cking thing.

I could be sitting here

with just pee stains on

my rug.

- But no, man,

I got a, you know...

- Yeah. f*cking Germans.

Nothing changes.

- f*cking Nazis.

- They were Nazis, Dude?

Oh, come on, Donny.

They were threatening

castration!

- Uh-huh.

- Are we gonna

split hairs here?

- No.

- Am I wrong?

- Well, he didn't...

- Man, they were

nihilists, man.

They kept saying they

believed in nothing.

Nihilists.

f*ck me.

I mean, say what you

want about the tenets of

national socialism, Dude.

- At least it's an ethos.

- Yeah.

And, also,

let's not forget...

Let's not forget, Dude,

that keeping wildlife,

an amphibious rodent,

for, you know,

domestic...

Within the city...

- That ain't legal, either.

- What are you, a f*cking park ranger now?

No! I'm just

trying to...

Who gives a sh*t

about the f*cking marmot?

- We are sympathizing here, Dude.

- f*ck sympathy.

I don't need your

f*cking sympathy, man.

I need my f*cking johnson.

What do you need that for, Dude?

You have got to buck up, man!

You cannot drag this

negative energy into

the tournament.

f*ck the tournament.

f*ck you, Walter.

f*ck the tournament?

Okay, Dude. I can see

you don't want to be

cheered up here.

Come on, Donny.

Let's go get us a lane.

- Another Caucasian, Gary.

- Right, Dude.

- Friends like these, huh, Gary?

- That's right, Dude.

You got a good

sarsaparilla?

Sioux City Sarsaparilla?

Yeah. That's a good one.

How're you doing there,

Dude?

Not too good, man.

One of those days, huh?

Yeah.

Well, a wiser fellow

than myself once said,

"Sometimes you eat

the bear and..."

Much obliged.

"Sometimes the bear,

well, he eats you."

That some kind of

Eastern thing?

Far from it.

I like your style, Dude.

Oh, well, I dig

your style, too, man.

Got a whole cowboy thing

going.

Thank you.

There's just one thing, Dude.

What's that?

Do you have to use

so many cuss words?

What the f*ck are

you talking about?

Okay, Dude. Have it your way.

Take her easy, Dude.

Yeah. Thanks, man.

Call for you, Dude.

Hello?

MAUDE: Jeffrey, you have

not gone to the doctor.

Oh, yeah, no.

No, I haven't yet.

I'd like to see you

immediately.

Oh?

So, you're Lebowski.

Yeah.

Maude has told me

all about you.

She'll be back in a minute.

Sit down.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah, sure. White Russian.

The bar's over there.

- So, what do you do,

Lebowski?

- Who the f*ck are you, man?

- Just a friend of Maudie's.

- Yeah? The friend with

the cleft as*h*le?

- What do you do?

- Oh, nothing much.

- Hello, Jeffrey.

- Hello.

Yeah. How are you?

Listen, Maude.

I got to

tender my resignation

or whatever

because looks like

your mother really

was kidnapped after all.

She most certainly was not.

Hey, man, why don't you

f*cking listen

occasionally?

- You might learn something.

- Now, I got...

Please don't call her

my mother.

She's most definitely

the perpetrator and

not the victim.

I'm telling you, I've got

pretty definitive evidence.

- From who?

- From the main guy, Uli.

Uli Kunkel? Her costar

in the beaver picture?

You mean vag*na?

I mean, you know the guy?

I might have introduced them,

for all I know.

Do you remember Uli?

He's a musician.

Used to have a group,

Autobahn.

Look in my LP's.

They released one

album in the late '70s.

MAUDE: Their music is

sort of a techno pop.

So he's pretending

to be the abductor?

Well, yeah.

Look, Jeffrey, you don't

really kidnap someone

you're acquainted with.

The whole idea is that the

hostage can't identify you

after you've let them go.

Well, I know that.

What the f*ck is

with this guy?

Who is he?

Knox Harrington,

the video artist.

So, Uli has the money.

Well, no, not exactly.

This is a very complicated

case, Maude.

(PHONE RINGING)

You know, a lot of ins,

a lot of outs,

a lot of what-have-yous

and a lot of strands

to keep in my head, man.

You know, a lot of strands

in the old Duder's head.

Hello?

If Uli doesn't have it,

then who does?

It's Sandra

about the Biennale.

Look. I have to take this.

Do you still have that

doctor's number?

- No, really, it's not even

bruised anymore.

- Oh, please, Jeffrey.

I don't want to be responsible

for any delayed after-effects.

After-effects?

Could you slide your shorts

down, Mr. Lebowski, please?

Mmm?

No, no, man.

She hit me right here.

I understand.

Could you slide your

shorts down, please?

He lives in

North Hollywood on Radford,

near the ln-N-Out Burger.

No, the ln-N-Out

Burger's on Camrose.

- Near the ln-N-Out Burger.

- Those are good burgers,

Walter.

Shut the f*ck up, Donny.

The kid is in the ninth

grade, Dude.

And his father is...

Are you ready for this?

His father is

Arthur Digby Sellers.

Who the f*ck is that?

- Who the f*ck is

Arthur Digby Sellers?

- Who the...

Have you ever

heard of a little show

called Branded, Dude?

Yes, yes, l...

"All but one man

died there at

Bitter Creek."

I know the f*cking show,

Walter. So what?

f*cking Arthur Digby Sellers

wrote 156 episodes, Dude.

The bulk of the series.

Oh.

- Not exactly

a lightweight.

- No.

And yet his son

is a f*cking dunce.

Anyway, we'll go there

after the what-have-you.

We'll brace the kid.

Should be a pushover.

We'll be near

the ln-N-Out Burger.

Shut the f*ck up, Donny!

We'll go out there,

we'll brace the kid.

He should be a pushover.

We'll get that f*cking

million dollars back,

if he hasn't

spent it already.

A million f*cking clams.

And, yes,

we'll be near the...

ln-N-Out.

- Shh! Shh!

- Some burgers, some beers.

A few laughs.

Our f*cking troubles

are over, Dude.

Oh, f*ck me, man.

That kid's already spent

all the money, man.

New Vette? Hardly, Dude.

I'd say he still has

$960,000, $970,000 left,

depending on the options.

Wait in the car, Donny.

WOMAN: Yes?

- Pilar?

My name is Walter Sobchak.

This is my associate,

Jeffrey Lebowski.

We came to talk

about little Larry.

- May we come in?

- Yes, yes.

Thank you.

That's him, Dude.

And a good day

to you, sir!

Sit down, please.

Larry, sweetie,

the man is here!

Is he...

Does he still write?

Oh, no, no.

He has health problems.

Uh-huh.

Sir, I just want to say

that we're both,

on a personal level,

really enormous fans.

Branded, especially

the early episodes,

was truly a source

of inspiration.

PILAR: Sweetie, sit down.

This man is the police.

Oh, no, ma'am. We didn't want

to give the impression that

we were police, exactly.

We're hoping it

won't be necessary

to call the police.

But that's up to

little Larry here.

Isn't it, Larry?

Is this your homework,

Larry?

-Is this your homework, Larry?

- Look, man, it...

Dude. Please?

Is this your

homework, Larry?

Just ask him about

the car, man.

Is this yours, Larry?

Is this your homework,

Larry?

Is that your car out front?

- Is this your homework, Larry?

- We know it's his

f*cking homework!

Where's the f*cking money,

you little brat?

Look, Larry, have you

ever heard of Vietnam?

- For Christ's sake, Walter.

- You are entering

a world of pain, son.

We know that this is

your homework. We know

that you stole the car.

- And the f*cking money.

- And the f*cking money!

And we know that

this is your homework!

We're gonna cut

your d*ck off, Larry.

You're k*lling

your father, Larry.

All right.

This is pointless.

Okay, time for Plan B.

You might want to watch out

that front window, Larry.

Son, this is what happens

when you f*ck a stranger

in the a*s!

A little language

problem here.

Little prick's

stonewalling me.

Walter.

What are you doing, man?

What are you doing?

Here you go, Larry.

You see what happens?

You see what happens, Larry?

You see what happens?

Oh, great.

This is what happens

when you f*ck a stranger

in the a*s, Larry.

This is what happens, Larry.

You see what happens, Larry?

You see what happens

when you f*ck a stranger

in the a*s?

This is what happens!

You see what happens, Larry?

You see what happens, Larry?

Do you see what happens,

Larry, when you f*ck

a stranger in the a*s?

This is what happens, Larry!

This is what happens, Larry!

MAN: My car! My baby!

This is what happens, Larry!

This is what happens

when you f*ck a stranger...

What the f*ck are you

doing, man? Stop it!

Hey, man.

I just bought that

f*cking car last week!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm sorry!

- I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you!

- I just bought the

f*cking car last week!

- Come on, man.

I'll k*ll your

f*cking car, man!

No, no. Hey, hey,

that's not his! Hey!

God damn it!

Whoa! Oh, no!

MAN: f*ck you!

Man. No.

You like that? f*ck you!

I'll k*ll your f*cking car!

DUDE: No. No, no. No.

I'll k*ll your f*cking car!

I accept your apology.

No, I just want to handle it

by myself from now on.

No. No. No!

That has nothing

to do with it.

Yes, the car made it home.

You're calling me at home.

No, Walter, it did not look

like Larry was about to crack!

Well, that's your perception.

You know, Walter,

you're right.

There is an unspoken

message here.

lt's, "f*ck you!

Leave me the f*ck alone!"

Yeah, I'll be at practice.

Pin your diapers on,

Lebowski.

Jackie Treehorn

wants to see you.

Jackie Treehorn knows

which Lebowski you are,

Lebowski.

Jackie Treehorn

wants to see the

deadbeat Lebowski.

You're not dealing

with morons here.

Hello, Dude.

Thanks for coming.

I'm Jackie Treehorn.

This is quite a pad

you got here, man.

Completely unspoiled.

- What's your drink, Dude?

- A White Russian. Thanks.

White Russian.

- How's the smut business, Jackie?

- I wouldn't know, Dude.

I deal in publishing, entertainment,

political advocacy.

- Which one's Logjammin'?

- Yes, regrettably, it's true.

Standards have fallen

in adult entertainment.

It's video, Dude.

Now that we're competing

with those amateurs,

we can't afford to invest

in little extras like story,

production value, feelings.

You know, people forget that the brain

is the biggest erogenous zone.

On you maybe.

Of course, you have to take

the good with the bad.

New technology permits us

to do very exciting things

in interactive erotic software.

Wave of the future, Dude.

100% electronic.

Well, I still jerk off manually.

Of course you do.

I can see you're anxious for me to get to the point.

Well, here it is, Dude.

Where's Bunny?

- Well, I thought you might know that, man.

- Why would l?

She only ran off to get away from that

rather sizable debt to me.

No, she didn't run off.

She's been...

I heard that kidnapping story, so save it.

I know you're mixed up

in all this, Dude.

And I don't care what you're trying

to get from the husband.

That's your business.

All I'm saying is I want mine.

Yeah, right, man.

I mean, there are a lot of facets to this,

a lot of interested parties.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah?

Where is that?

All right. Yeah.

Excuse me.

- Forgive me.

- No problemo, man.

So, if I can find your money,

what's in it for the Dude?

Well, of course, there's that to discuss.

You want a refill?

- Yeah, does the pope sh*t in the woods?

- 10% finder's fee.

- That all right?

- Okay. Done, Jackie.

I dig the way you do business, man.

Your money is being held by a kid named

Larry Sellers.

He lives in North Hollywood on Radford,

by the ln-N-Out Burger.

f*cking brat.

But I'm sure your g*ons can get it off him.

I mean, he's 15.

Flunking social studies.

So, if you could just

write me a check for

my 10% of half a million,

5 grand,

I'll go out and mingle.

You mix a hell of

a Caucasian, Jackie.

Fifteen-year-old kid.

- Is this some sort of a joke?

- No. No joke.

No funny stuff, Jackie.

The kid's got it.

Hi, fellas.

Kid just wanted a car.

All the Dude ever wanted

was his rug back.

Not greedy.

It really

tied the room together.

MAN: Darkness washed

over the Dude.

Darker than a black steer's tokus on

a moonless prairie night.

There was no bottom.

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah

He was innocent

Not a charge was true

And they say

he ran away branded

Is this your only lD?

I know my rights, man.

You don't know sh*t, Lebowski.

I want a f*cking lawyer,

man.

I want Bill Kunstler, man,

or Ron Kuby.

Mr. Treehorn tells us

that he had to eject you

from his garden party,

that you were drunk

and a*usive.

Mr. Treehorn treats objects

like women, man.

Mr. Treehorn draws

a lot of water in this town.

You don't draw sh*t, Lebowski.

Now, we got a nice quiet

little beach community here,

and I aim to keep it

nice and quiet.

So let me make

something plain.

I don't like you sucking around bothering

our citizens, Lebowski.

I don't like your jerk-off name.

I don't like your jerk-off face.

I don't like your jerk-off behavior.

And I don't like you, jerk-off.

Do I make myself clear?

I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

Ow!

f*cking fascist!

Stay out of Malibu, Lebowski.

Stay out of Malibu, deadbeat!

Keep your ugly, f*cking,

gold-bricking a*s out of my beach community.

Jesus, man. Could you

change the channel?

f*ck you, man!

If you don't like

my f*cking music,

get your own f*cking cab!

I had a really rough...

I'll pull off to the side

and kick your a*s out.

Man, come on. I had

a rough night, and I hate

the f*cking Eagles, man.

Out of my f*cking cab! Out!

Man!

Man! Man! Hey!

Oh, Jesus!

Jeffrey.

- Maude?

- Love me.

That's my robe.

MAUDE: Tell me about

yourself, Jeffrey.

Well, not much to tell.

I was one of the authors

of the Port Huron Statement.

- The original Port Huron Statement.

- Uh-huh.

Not the compromised

second draft.

Then l...

You ever hear of

the Seattle Seven?

That was me.

And there were

six other guys.

And then the music business,

briefly.

- Oh?

- Yeah.

Roadie for Metallica.

Oh.

Speed of Sound tour.

Mmm-hmm.

Bunch of assholes.

And then, you know,

little of this, little of that.

My career's slowed down

a little lately.

What do you do

for recreation?

Well, the usual.

Bowl, drive around,

the occasional

acid flashback.

MAUDE: What happened

to your house?

Oh, Jackie Treehorn

trashed the place.

He thought I had

your father's money.

He got me out of the way

while he looked for it.

c*ck?

No, thanks.

It's not my father's money.

It's the foundation's.

Why did he think you have it?

Who does?

Oh, Larry Sellers,

this high school kid.

Real f*cking brat.

You know, this is a very

complicated case, Maude.

A lot of ins, a lot of outs.

You know, fortunately,

I'm adhering to a pretty

strict, drug regimen

to keep my mind,

you know, limber,

and I'm very f*cking close

to your father's money.

I keep telling you,

it's the foundation's

money.

Father doesn't have any.

What are you talking about?

He's f*cking loaded.

No, no. The wealth

is all Mother's.

No, he runs stuff.

We did let him run one

of the companies briefly,

...but he didn't do

very well at it.

- Oh, he's, you know...

No, he helps administer

the charities now,

and I give him

a reasonable allowance.

He has no money of his own.

I know how he likes

to present himself.

Father's weakness is vanity,

hence the sl*t.

Do you think he...

What is that, yoga?

It increases the chances

of conception.

- lncreases...

- Well, yes.

What did you think

this was all about?

Fun and games?

I want a child.

Okay, yeah, okay.

But let me... Let me explain

something about the Dude.

Look, Jeffrey,

I don't want a partner.

In fact, I don't want

the father to be someone

I have to see socially

or who will have any interest

in raising the child himself.

- Oh. So, that doctor...

- Exactly.

Now, what happened

to your face?

Did Jackie Treehorn

do that as well?

No, it was the chief

of police of Malibu,

a real reactionary.

So, your father...

- Oh, yeah, I get it.

Yeah. Yeah.

- What?

Oh, man.

My thinking about this case

has become very uptight.

Yeah.

Your father.

Jeffrey, what are

you talking about?

Jeffrey!

Walter, if you're there,

pick up the f*cking phone,

man.

Come on, Walter.

- Pick it up, man.

This is an emergency.

- Dude? Dude?

Yeah. Listen, Walter.

I'm at my place. I need

you to come pick me up.

- I can't drive, Dude.

It's Erev shabbos.

- What?

- Erev shabbos.

- What?

- Erev shabbos. I can't drive.

- Man!

I'm not even supposed

to pick up the phone

unless it's an emergency.

- This is a f*cking emergency!

- I understand.

That's why I picked up

the phone.

Walter, you f*ck.

We gotta go to Pasadena, man.

Come pick me up or I'm off

the f*cking bowling team.

Get out of that

f*cking car, man!

Get out of that f*cking car!

Get the f*ck

out of the car, man.

Get out of the f*cking...

Who the f*ck

are you, man?

Easy, man!

Relax, man.

No physical harm intended.

Who the f*ck are you?

Why you following me

around?

- Come on, f*ck!

- Relax, man. I'm a brother shamus.

Brother Shamus?

Like an Irish monk?

What the f*ck are

you talking about?

My name is Da Fino.

I'm a private snoop,

like you, man.

- What?

- A d*ck, man.

And let me tell you something,

I dig your work.

Playing one side

against the other,

in bed with everybody.

- Fabulous stuff, man.

- I'm not...

f*ck it, man.

Just stay away from

my f*cking lady friend.

Hey, I'm not messing

with your special lady.

She's not my special lady.

She's my f*cking lady friend.

- I'm just helping her

conceive, man!

- Hey, man. I'm not...

Who are you working for?

Lebowski?

Jackie Treehorn?

The Kneutsons.

Who the f*ck are

the Kneutsons?

The Kneutsons,

it's a wandering

daughterjob.

Bunny Lebowski, man.

Her real name

is Fawn Kneutson.

Her parents

want her back, see?

Jesus f*cking Christ.

Crazy, huh?

Ran away about a year ago.

The Kneutsons told me

I should show her this

when I found her.

It's the family farm.

It's outside Moorhead,

Minnesota.

They think it'll

make her homesick.

Oh, boy.

How are you gonna keep them

down on the farm

once they've seen

Karl Hungus?

- She's been kidnapped, Da Fino.

- Oh, man.

Or I don't know.

Maybe not.

But she's definitely

not around.

Hey, maybe you and me

could pool our resources,

trade information.

Professional courtesy?

Compeers.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

f*ck off, Da Fino.

And stay away

from my special...

From my f*cking

lady friend, man!

The lingonberry pancake.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Lingonberry pancakes.

Three pigs in blanket.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

DIETER: She has

lingonberry pancakes.

(MEN SPEAKING GERMAN)

I mean, we totally

f*cked it up, man.

We f*cked up his payoff.

We got the kidnappers

all pissed off.

And Lebowski, you know,

he yelled at me a lot,

but he didn't do

anything, huh?

- Well, sometimes

it's a cathartic...

- No, no.

I'm saying that

if he knows I'm a f*ck,

why does he leave me

in charge of getting

his wife back?

DUDE: Because he doesn't

f*cking want her back, man.

He's had enough.

He no longer digs her.

It's all a show.

Okay, but then

why doesn't he give a sh*t

about his million bucks?

I mean, he knows we never

handed off his briefcase,

but he never asked

for it back.

The million bucks

was never in the briefcase.

The briefcase was

f*cking empty, man.

The as*h*le was hoping

that they would k*ll her.

You threw out a ringer

for a ringer.

Okay, but how does

all this add up to

an emergency?

I'm saying, I see what

you're getting at, Dude.

He kept the money.

My point is...

Here we are, it's shabbos,

the Sabbath,

which I'm allowed to break

only if it's a matter of

life or death.

Will you come off it,

Walter? You're not even

f*cking Jewish, man.

What the f*ck are

you talking about?

Man, you're f*cking

Polish Catholic!

What the f*ck

are you talking about?

I converted when

I married Cynthia.

Come on, Dude.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You know this.

And five f*cking years ago,

you were divorced.

So what are you saying?

When you get divorced,

you turn in your library card?

You get a new license?

You stop being Jewish?

This is the driveway.

- Jewish as f*cking Tevye.

- Man.

You know, it's all a part

of your sick Cynthia thing.

Man, taking care of her

f*cking dog, going to her

f*cking synagogue.

You're living in

the f*cking past.

Three thousand years

of beautiful tradition,

from Moses to Sandy Koufax.

You're g*dd*mn right I'm

living in the f*cking past!

l've... Jesus.

WALTER:

What the hell happened?

Let's go. f*ck it.

DUDE: Where was she, man?

Visiting friends of hers

in Palm Springs.

She just picked up and left,

never bothered to tell us.

Well, I guess

the f*cking nihilists

knew where she was.

Jesus, Dude. She never

even kidnapped herself.

- Who is this gentleman, Dude?

- Who am l? I'm a f*cking veteran.

- Come on!

- That's who I am.

You shouldn't go

in there, Dude.

He's very angry.

So, man.

So? She's back,

no thanks to you.

Where's the f*cking money,

Lebowski?

A million bucks

from f*cking, needy,

little Urban Achievers!

You are scum, man!

- Who the hell is he?

- Who am l? Who am l?

- Walter.

- I'm the guy that's gonna

kick your phony,

...gold-bricking a*s,

that's who I am.

- Man.

We know the briefcase

was f*cking empty.

We know you kept

the million bucks

for yourself.

You have your story,

I have mine.

I say I entrusted the money

to you and you stole it.

As if we would

ever dream of taking

your bullshit money!

You thought that Bunny

had been kidnapped,

and you were

f*cking glad, man.

You could use it as an excuse

to make some money disappear.

All you needed was

a sap to pin it on.

You just met me.

You... You human paraquat.

You figured,

"Oh, here's a loser,

you know, a deadbeat.

"Somebody this square

community won't give

a sh*t about."

Well, aren't you?

- Well, yeah, but...

- Get out, both of you.

Look at that f*cking phony,

Dude, pretending to be

a f*cking millionaire.

Out of this house now,

you bums!

Let me tell you

something else.

I've seen a lot of spinals,

Dude, and this guy's a fake.

A f*cking gold-bricker.

Stay away from me, mister!

This guy f*cking walks.

I've never been more certain

of anything in my life.

You stay away from me!

Walter, for Christ's sake,

man! He's a cr*pple.

- I said! Get away from me!

- Come on. Come on.

Walter, put him down, man!

Yeah, I'll put him down, Dude.

Walk! Achtung, baby!

Come on, man. Help me

put him back in his chair.

WALTER: At least

they had the f*cking

decency to tell us

that we were fighting

the communists.

Whereas this

whole f*cking thing,

this whole f*cking thing

is nothing about nothing,

about oil,

which is what I personally

hear, Dude.

Sure you'll see

some tank battles,

but fighting in desert

is very different from

fighting in canopy jungle.

I mean, Nam was

a foot soldier's w*r,

whereas this thing should...

You know, should be

a piece of cake.

I mean, I had an M16, Jacko,

not an Abrams f*cking tank.

- Me and Charlie,

eyeball to eyeball.

- Yeah.

That's f*cking combat.

The man in the black

pajamas, Dude.

Worthy f*cking adversary.

- Who's in pajamas, Walter?

- Shut the f*ck up, Donny.

Whereas what we have here,

a bunch of fig eaters

wearing towels on their head,

trying to find reverse

on a Soviet tank.

This is not a worthy

f*cking adversary.

QUINTANA: Hey!

What's this

day-of-rest sh*t?

What's this bullshit?

I don't f*cking care!

It don't matter to Jesus.

But you not fooling me,

man.

You might fool the f*ck

in the league office

but you don't fool Jesus.

It's Bush league

psych-out stuff.

Laughable, man!

I would've f*cked you

in the a*s Saturday.

I'll f*ck you in the a*s

next Wednesday instead.

You got a date

Wednesday, baby!

He's cracking.

...the whole concept of age.

I mean, many learned men

have disputed this

but in the 14th century,

the Rambam...

Well, they finally

did it.

They k*lled

my f*cking car.

We want the money, Lebowski.

Ja. Otherwise,

we k*ll the girl.

Ja. It seems you have

forgotten our little deal, Lebowski.

You don't have the

f*cking girl, dipshit.

We know you never did.

Are these the Nazis,

Walter?

No, Donny.

These men are nihilists.

There's nothing

to be afraid of.

We don't care.

We still want the money,

Lebowski, or we f*ck you up.

- f*ck you.

f*ck the three of you.

- Cool it, Walter.

No. Without a hostage,

there is no ransom.

That's what ransom is.

Those are the f*cking rules.

His girlfriend

gave up her toe.

She thought we could

get $1 million.

- It's not fair.

- Fair?

Who's the f*cking nihilists

around here, you bunch

of f*cking crybabies?

Cool it, Walter.

Hey, look, pal.

DUDE: There never

was any money.

The big Lebowski gave me

an empty briefcase,

so take it up with him, man.

And I would like

my undies back.

Are these guys gonna

hurt us, Walter?

No, Donny.

These men are cowards.

Okay!

So we takes the money

you have on you, and

we calls it even.

- f*ck you.

- Hey, no. Come on, Walter.

Come on, we're ending

this thing cheap, man.

- No. What's mine is mine.

- No, come on, Walter.

- No funny stuff.

- All right. All right.

- No funny stuff.

- I got 4 bucks, almost 5.

- I got $18.

WALTER: What's mine is mine.

We f*ck you up, man!

We takes the money!

Come and get it.

- We f*ck you up!

- Show me what you got,

nihilists.

- I f*ck you!

- Walter, come on.

He's got a sword.

f*cking dipshit with

a nine-toed woman!

I f*ck you! f*ck you!

I f*ck you!

- Take it easy, man.

- I f*ck you!

- Take the $4.

- I f*ck you!

I f*ck you!

I'm gonna hit you with

the f*cking ball, man.

MAN: Hey, dickhead!

- Anti-Semite.

I f*ck you in the a*s!

I f*ck you in the a*s!

I f*ck you! I f*ck you!

I f*ck you! I f*ck you!

We got a man down, Dude!

Oh, God. They shot him, man.

- He's not shot. No, Dude.

- Are you shot, Donny?

- There weren't

any shots fired.

- Huh?

It's a heart attack.

Call the medics, Dude.

I'd go myself,

but I'm pumping blood,

might pass out.

Rest easy, good buddy.

You're doing fine.

We got help choppering in.

Hello, gentlemen.

- You are the bereaved?

- Yeah, man.

Francis Donnelly,

pleased to meet you.

- Jeff Lebowski.

- Walter Sobchak.

The Dude actually is...

- Excuse me?

- Oh, nothing.

Yes. I understand

you're taking away

the remains?

Yeah.

We have the urn.

I assume this is credit card?

Yeah.

What's this?

Now, that's for the urn.

Don't need it.

We're scattering the ashes.

Yes. So we were informed.

However, we must, of course,

transmit the remains to you

in a receptacle.

That's $180.

It is our most modestly

priced receptacle.

- Well, can't we just...

- $180?

They range up to $3,000.

- We're...

- Can't we just rent it

from you, you know?

Sir, this is a mortuary

not a rental house.

- We're scattering

the f*cking ashes!

- Walter, Walter.

Just because we're bereaved

doesn't make us saps.

Sir, please lower

your voices.

Man, don't you have,

you know, something else

we can put him in?

You know?

That is our most modestly

priced receptacle.

God damn it!

Is there a Ralph's

around here?

Donny was a good bowler

and a good man.

He was one of us.

He was a man who loved

the outdoors and bowling.

And as a surfer

he explored the beaches

of Southern California

from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo

and up to Pismo.

He died...

He died as so many young men

of his generation,

before his time.

In your wisdom, Lord,

you took him,

as you took so many bright,

flowering young men

at Khe Sanh, at Lan Doc,

at Hill 364.

These young men

gave their lives,

and so did Donny.

Donny, who loved bowling.

And so,

Theodore Donald Kerabatsos,

in accordance with

what we think your dying

wishes might well have been,

we commit your final

mortal remains

to the bosom of

the Pacific Ocean

which you loved so well.

Good night, sweet prince.

sh*t.

Oh, sh*t, Dude. I'm sorry.

- g*dd*mn wind.

- f*ck, god damn it, Walter!

- You f*cking as*h*le!

- sh*t, Dude. I'm sorry.

Everything's a f*cking

travesty with you, man!

- I'm sorry.

- It was an accident.

- What was that sh*t about Vietnam?

- Dude, I'm sorry.

What the f*ck does anything have to do with Vietnam?

- Dude, I'm sorry.

- What the f*ck are

you talking about?

Dude, I'm sorry.

f*cking...

f*ck, Walter.

Come on, Dude.

Hey, f*ck it, man.

Let's go bowling.

- Two oat sodas, Gary.

- Right. Good luck tomorrow.

- Yeah, thanks, man.

- I was sorry to hear about Donny.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know,

sometimes you eat the bear,

and sometimes, you know...

Hey, man.

- How do you do, Dude?

- I wondered if

I'd see you again.

I wouldn't miss

the semis.

- Oh, yeah?

- How's things been going?

Well, you know,

strikes and gutters,

ups and downs.

- Sure. I got you.

- Yeah.

Thanks, Gary.

Well, take care, man.

Gotta get back.

- Sure. Take it easy, Dude.

- Oh, yeah.

I know that you will.

Yeah. Well,

the Dude abides.

Walter.

The Dude abides.

I don't know about you,

but I take comfort in that.

It's good knowing

he's out there,

the Dude, taking her easy

for all us sinners.

I sure hope

he makes the finals.

Well, that about does her.

Wraps her all up.

Things seem to have

worked out pretty good

for the Dude and Walter.

And it was

a pretty good story,

don't you think?

Made me laugh

to beat the band.

Parts anyway.

I didn't like seeing Donny go.

But then I happen to know that there's

a little Lebowski on the way.

I guess that's the way the whole

darned human comedy keeps

perpetuating itself

down through the generations.

Westward the wagons,

across the sands of time

until we...

Oh, look at me.

I'm rambling again.

Well, I hope you folks

enjoyed yourselves.

Catch you later on

down the trail.

Say, friend, you got any more

of that good sarsaparilla?