19x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show with naked truths
and well-dressed lies.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

she puts the personality
in TV personality -

it's Holly Willoughby.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Olympian, Gladiator,
she is on fire -

it's Montell Douglas.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

a stand-up comedian
and Taskmaster star -

it's John Kearns.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an award winning actor
and film-maker -

it's only David Morrissey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So to round one, Home Truths,

where our panellists read out
a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

David, you're first up.

Oh. "My commitment
to preparing for a part

"once ruined a romantic
weekend away."

Oh! David's team.

So what was the role?

Play a chef in a kitchen,

so I had to familiarise myself
with all that.

At which stage of your,
may I say, fairly feted career?

It's lovely to have some class
on that side.

- Thank you very much.
- I mean, that's fine for me,

but pointing at a new guest,
it's a bit harsh, Rob.

You can say to the regulars,
but not the new guy

who's just come and gone,
"Will it be fun?" "Yes."

Rob's opening line is,
"It's nice to have some class,

"apart from them two."

LAUGHTER

I will say,
with you sat in the middle,

you do look like three solicitors
on a team-building weekend.

LAUGHTER

And you're allowed
to wear fun shirts,

but you didn't get the email.

LAUGHTER

So, David, which stage
of your wonderful career was this?

It was a film I did in the late
'90s. It was called Some Voices.

And you were playing a chef?

The director was very precise
about what he wanted -

so he wanted to see my hands
chopping vegetables and stuff,

and then come up to my face.

And he said, "It's got to be in
this one shot,"

and my wife at the time and I
had booked a romantic weekend away.

Where were you taking her?

It was, like, some hotel somewhere.

Some hotel somewhere.
And you say she was your wife THEN,

and I think it's... It's all
falling into place, isn't it, now?

And I phoned ahead and said,
"Could I work in your kitchen?"

"Could I work in your kitchen?"

I got there and the guy said,
"Oh, off you go.

"You've got a stint in the kitchen."

So as soon as you arrived,

"You come with me," and your wife
was left in the room alone?

- Yeah.
- And how did she respond?

Not... Not great.

LAUGHTER

Did it help? Did you learn how
to chop and all that sort of stuff?

Yeah, it helped a bit, you know.

But then it was, er...

...it ruined the weekend,
ruined the marriage.

How did it...? Oh, no!

And what did the former
Mrs Morrissey -

because she's long gone -

but what did the former
Mrs Morrissey make of the meal?

Don't say "She's long gone."

Yeah, sorry, she's...
I'm sure she's still with us,

I mean, she's long gone...

Don't even say,
"I'm sure she's still with us."

Just don't say anything.

Just don't mention the welfare
of the ex-Mrs Morrissey.

But Mrs Morrissey, as was...

LAUGHTER

...how did she rate the meal?

It didn't help
when I kept saying to her,

you know, "I chopped them,
I did that."

Holly, what do you think?

I imagine he has got
that dedication.

He's a proper actor.
He's not like...

He's a proper actor.

And all he would have been thinking
about is preparing for the role.

He doesn't care what it's for.

You know on Gavin & Stacey?

How did you prepare playing
that little annoying Welsh git?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The one with the highest viewing
figures for 30 years?

Oh! OK!

Boom!

Drop the mic.

The question is, is David Morrissey
telling the truth?

I instinctively think
it might be true.

- Holly?
- Let's go true, then.
- They all think it's true.

They think it's true. David, was it
true, or were you telling a lie?

It was...

...true.

APPLAUSE

It's true. David's commitment to
acting did ruin a romantic weekend.

John, you're next.

As a boy, I got to go on Blue Peter

for having an absolutely
massive rabbit.

David's team.

- I hope this is true.
- Yes, that would be a nice story.

Who were the hosts of Blue Peter
when you went on?

I did the interview with Konnie Huq.

- How old are you?
- Eight.

- Eight?
- No, no, now.

LAUGHTER

It's been a... It's been a tough
life. It's been a tough life.

So what year was this?



Have you got a Blue Peter badge?

Got a gold one.
GASPS

A gold Blue Peter badge?!

- Yeah.
- When I was a child,
people who got gold,

that was, like,
above a knighthood.

LAUGHTER

How big WAS this rabbit?

LAUGHTER

I feel like you overfed it.
Did you overfeed it?

Well, I don't think I overfed it.
We had a cat called Mitzi...

Who went missing.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

...that died when I was three.

- OK.
- And my mum,

my mum thought I was making
a connection with a pet,

so they bought me a rabbit.

- The rabbit's name - what was it?
- Samantha.

- Samantha?
- Samantha?

Were you told that it was a rabbit
that would grow to enormous size?

My dad, who bought the rabbit,
was told,

"Yeah, be careful,
this might explode."

LAUGHTER

Where did he acquire the rabbit?

- Sellafield.
- There was a bloke...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It was a bloke who lives
down the road, who's still there,

and so he gave my dad one.

It was a normal-sized bunny
when I got it.

- Normal sized?
- Yeah. Konnie Huq weighed it

in one of those, you know,
like, baby-weighing scales.

And how much did it weigh?

Eight stone three.

- What?!
- Eight stone three?!

You had them till then!

Eight stone?!

- Eight stone?
- Eight stone?

LAUGHTER

Rob Brydon's about
eight stone three!

You fool! You had it!
Konnie Huq! It was all there!

Eight stone three?!

Well, I got a gold Blue Peter badge
for it!

How did you get to the studio?
Did you ride it in?

-
- If you were eight,
it would have been heavier than you!

It was heavier than me.

We got it in '91. In '96...

In '96, it was bigger than you.

- 'In 96...
- It overtook you!

You're a human! It's about
the size of a Shetland pony!

LAUGHTER

But that's why I'm on
Blue Peter with it, mate.

They're not just calling me in
cos I've got a normal-sized rabbit.

They called me in... Do you
know what? When I brought it in,

they reacted exactly like
how you're reacting now.

HOW did you bring it in?!

They brought it in a car.

He was driving!

Open the sunroof.

Do you know what?
It had really small ears, weirdly.

That IS weird.

It had small ears? Are you sure
it WASN'T a Shetland pony?

LAUGHTER

I think it might have been
your dad in a rabbit suit

to make up for the loss of the cat.

How did Blue Peter
hear about your rabbit?

It was like a summer bonanza,
kind of, you know,

write in with your biggest stuff.

LAUGHTER

There was a chap there,
he was probably about ten,

and he had like, a...
Well, he'd grown a tomato.

Oh, so it wasn't just you,
it was kids with big things?

There was about three
of us stood around.

- How big was the tomato?
- Er...

Now, careful.

LAUGHTER

It was about the size of his head.

And what was the third large item?

Why did you create
two more big items?

Why have you done this to yourself?!

It's hard enough thinking of one,
but now you've got three.

LAUGHTER

There was a girl there.

She had used the same pencil
at school for three years,

and it was that big.

- Oh, it was little things as well?
- Yeah.

You wrote in...?
You were watching Blue Peter...

- You can be cruel on this show
sometimes.
- No, I'm just...

You were watching Blue Peter with...

Remind me of the rabbit's name.

- Samantha.
- Samantha.
- Don't remind him!

LAUGHTER

Well, she was kind of
wandering around the living room.

Knocking over the sofa.

Smashing through windows.

Smoking a cigar.

Eating the telly.

And it says on the programme,
we're having a big summer bonanza...

Summer bonanza. Write...

- ...write in if you've got anything
enormous or tiny.
- Yeah.

Please tell me they didn't
say that on Blue Peter.

So, hey, John, what happened
to Samantha in the fullness of time?

Did she go the way
of Mrs Morrissey?

Humans, as you get older,
you get smaller.

-
- Yes.
- Yeah.

So she did actually go back
to her normal size.

Oh, please, please...

-
- Whoa!

Whoa!

She went back to
a normal-size rabbit -

from about 8st to that!

But she had massive ears
by the end of it.

When she passed, she was, er...

...1st 6lbs.

- That's still quite heavy for a
rabbit, just so you know.
- Is it?

Yeah.

How heavy is a stone?

Well, just one stone
is a lot heavier than a rabbit.

I wish I'd known
that five minutes ago.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

What are you thinking, David's team?

-
- It's so wild. I've never
heard of a rabbit that's that big.

I can't believe he would say that.

-
- No, I know.

-
- You know what?
With the dates...

- He was spot-on with the dates and
the years.
- He's got the timeline.

- The dates are good.
- There was a long period

where it was very believable,
wasn't there?

Everything about
his story was perfect.

It was the weight of the rabbit.

-
- But also,
I remember now

someone getting
a gold Blue Peter badge

and it was
Torvill and Dean got them

when they'd won about four
gold medals in the Olympics.

-
- HE got one.
- And he got one for,

admittedly, the largest rabbit
that has ever lived.

What are we going to say?

- It's a lie, it's got to be a lie.
- It's got to be.

I think we have to say it's a lie.

All right. This is a tense moment.

John, were you telling the truth
or was it a lie?

It was, in fact...

- ...a lie.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a lie.
John didn't have a massive rabbit.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Myra.

So, Montell, what is Myra to you?

So, this is Myra,

and I once pretended to be her
on a running app

so she could beat her rival.

Holly, how do you know Myra?

This is Myra.

She helped spare my blushes

when I suffered a catastrophic
wardrobe malfunction.

And finally, David,
what is your relationship with Myra?

This is Myra, and we once queued
for ages for a hot sausage roll,

only for me to let a stranger
push in in front of us,

who then bought
all the sausage rolls.

There we have it. Lee's team,
where will you begin?

Right, Montell, first of all,

remind us, what was
your particular event

when you were an athlete?

- So, a sprinter.
- 100m?

- Yes.
- What kind of times
could you get at 100m?

- Best time was 11:05...
- Ooh, that's good.

I can only do 11:06.

And of course, you're a Gladiator,
so you're very fit, very athletic.

Now, how did you cheat?

So, you wear a watch
on running apps,

- a bit like this one...
- Mm-hm.

...and it tracks, basically,
your running, how fast you run,

and essentially
if you wore this watch,

it would just think
that you were me.

Why would you want to cheat, though?

I didn't want to cheat,
but Myra wanted to cheat

because she basically
wanted to beat her rival.

She's not a serious athlete, then?
She just does it for fun?

- She does it for fun.
- And what kind of distance?

- 5K.
- Oh, but you're a sprinter.

I know. I know.

What kind of time can you do 5K in?

- It was beating HER time, so...
- Oh, her own time?

Her time was about 34 minutes.

- Well, I did the time 32:43.
- For her?
- For her.

When you came back
with your 32 minutes,

was she slightly disappointed?

No, she was fine
because at one point...

I mean, I was tying
my shoelace lots of times,

so I was actually going
quite slow at one point.

How many times do you need
to tie your shoelaces?

How the hell did you do


if you were tying your shoelaces
all the time?

We don't wear trainers!
I wear spikes all the time.

Did you come clean
to a friend or...?

I didn't come clean, but she did
a couple of weeks later,

to her friend.
I think she forgave her.

- Really?
- Yeah.
- I would never forgive that.

- Yeah, that's...
- That's just horrible.

Why didn't she just get a cab?

- Get a cab?
- And say,
"Drive a 29-minute 5K."

They'd have to be crawling.

My phone knows
if I'm walking or in a car.

- Mm-hm.
- Just saying.

-
- Oh.
-
- Mine does.

You don't need a phone for that
because I know that already.

Yeah, but I don't ask my phone,
"Am I walking or am I in a car?"

Not having one of your turns
again, are you?

"Siri, am I in a car or
am I walking really quick again?

"Cos my legs aren't moving."

I try and keep track of the steps
I've done each day.

How many steps do you aim for?

I would like to average 10,000
or more over a year, per day.

-
- Over a year?
- Per day?

- Per day. Per day.
- Yes.
I would like to do 365 steps a year.

- No. 10,000 a day.
- And what
do you kit yourself out in

when you go for
one of these power walks?

I just walk in my normal clothes
and arrive sort of clammy.

That's his profile on match.com.

Right. Who next?

Oh, well, I'd like Montell
to do a blood test, please.

- So, Holly...
-
- Yes?

...remind us again of your lie.

I mean, of your thing.

So, this is Myra.

She once helped me spare my blushes

when I had a catastrophic
wardrobe malfunction.

What was that?
What was the malfunction?

Um, my zip on my dress bust.

The back or the front or the side?

It was a dress that had a zip

that went from the bottom
to the top.

So if you undid it, it would
completely open out like this.

What were you doing?
What was the show?

I was actually at


- Were you?
- ...at a charity function.
-
- Oh.

- Ooh.
- Who was Prime Minister?

Konnie Huq?

- I cannot remember.
- What year was it?

I think it was 2016. Around then.

- It could have been Cameron or May.
-
- Or May.
-
- Yeah.

I think it was Cameron.

Did it look like a man or a woman?

I can't remember. To be honest,
the whole evening was so stressful

- that all of those kind of details,
I've blanked out.
- Yeah.

I went there and
I went to the loo

and my dress was very sort of tight,

so I thought, "Well, I'm going
to have to wiggle it up."

And it couldn't wiggle
over my bum...

- Right.
- ...and it went bang.
LEE GASPS

- So who's Myra?
- Your bum?

- So, Myra, thankfully...
- She was Chancellor of the Exchequer.

I remember.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So because it had kind of bust
to the midway point on my back,

it was open like this, as a V,

so it was full bum out.

Your bottom was out?

And you don't have your phone

because they take it off you
when you first get in,

so I was stuck in
this cubicle

waiting for someone to walk in,
because I couldn't walk out

because my bum was out and
I was in the Prime Minister's house.

- Well, I mean, you had underwear on?
- You wouldn't be the first.

-
- Gosh.

-
- Yeah, I had really
big hold-in knickers on.

Oh, you had the big white pants on?

- Yeah.
- How do YOU know they're white?

I mean, you had your big pants on.

What's going on here?

In a completely separate story,

I recently bought some
new binoculars.

- So Myra here...
-
- Yeah?

...thankfully, was in
the cubicle next door.

A woman who, at this point,
you don't know who she is?

No, I don't, so I open
my cubicle door and I go,

"Hello? I'm so sorry.
You don't know me,

"but could you go
and find my husband

"and ask him to get my coat
from downstairs?"

And she was incredible

- because she went out
and she found my husband...
- OK.

...and then got my coat,

and I had to wear my coat
for the whole evening.

Have you been to Number 10, Lee?

- I have, yes.
- Oh. What was the occasion?

Genuinely, do you know what
I remember more than anything else?

How individual all the toilets were.

-
- Me, too.
- And no cubicles whatsoever.

Just a toilet, like in a house.

What was the event
you were there for?

I was actually burgling the house.

What about you, David?
Have you been?

- No.
- No, me neither. Montell?

- No.
- No? John?

I was a tour guide at...

Just so you know, just to be clear,

when it's just chat,
you can tell the truth.

This is just a conversation.

Don't feel you're under any pressure
to make up giant animals.

I was a tour guide at Parliament
for four years.

Well, I wasn't expecting that.

You would show people around,
what, the House of Commons?

I took schools round, groups of WI,

- celebs sometimes.
- Which celebs?
- What celebs?

The Speaker of the Isle of Wight.

No way!

- Who-oa!
- Bloomin' heck!

Paul McCartney went in
at about 10:00 at night.

Just walked in...

But you chose to mention
the Speaker...

And you mention the Speaker...

...from the Isle of Wight first?

"Oh, oh, and Jesus came once."

So, you've got the coat,

you've wrapped it round...

- Got the coat, wrapped it round.
- ...and all was well?

And all was well.

Now, then, what about David?

Remind us of how you know Myra.

OK. This is Myra.

We once queued for ages
for a hot sausage roll,

only for me to let someone
in in front of us,

who then bought
all of the sausage rolls.

Where were you?

We were at the Hay Festival.

And how'd you know Myra?

She works for the publisher
that was publishing my book.

I didn't know you'd written a book.
Any good?

I've been told that it is brilliant.

What's it about?

It's about the kings
and queens of England.

Am I in it? Have you mentioned me?

No, because you weren't
king or queen of England.

Actually, it only goes up to 1603,
so actually, even if you had been...

Why does it only go up to 1603?

- Just after 4:00.
-
- Yeah.

Did they just sell sausage rolls?

It was a hot sausage roll stand.

- Nothing else.
- Did you know
the person who pushed in?

No. The person politely asked

because he said
he was rushing to an event.

- Right.
- Yeah.

And you were buying just
two sausage rolls, one each?

- Yes.
- That was the plan, anyway.

- That was the plan.
- Were there people behind you?

I think there might have been


but the queue had been moving,
it's all fine.

- They smell very good,
sausage rolls.
- Yeah.

And you invest
quite a bit emotionally

- in getting this sausage roll.
-
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And as we got to the front
of the queue...

-
- Yeah?
- ...horror of horrors,
they run out of sausage rolls.

But the guy says, "Don't worry.

"Another batch is coming out
in a minute."

- Right.
- But this bloke came up
to me and said,

"I'm rushing to an event.

- "Would it be all right if I just
nip in and get it?"
- Yeah.

- And I said, "Oh, yes, OK."
- And how many did he buy?

- 20!
- Right.

- 20?
-
- 20!
- He buys 20 sausage rolls...

He didn't tell me he was
going to buy 20!

And then I'm chatting to Myra

and then I turn and I look
and they're going.

There's the tray, the delicious
sausage rolls, and a bag.

Thumpf! Thumpf! Thumpf! Thumpf!

And I'm thinking, "Oh, he's
getting a lot of sausage rolls."

Oh. We laugh about it!

Can you imagine?!

We laugh about it! Thumpf! Thumpf!

Oh, this IS a lot of
sausage rolls, isn't it?

- Thumpf! Thumpf!
- How big's his bag?

Thumpf! At this point,
we cross the halfway line.

Half of them have
gone into the bag.

And it's fine, though. Then they
tie up the bag, that's fine.

Oh, no!

They get another bag!

- Thumpf! Thumpf!
- Thumpf!
- Thumpf!

- Thumpf!
- Thumpf!

- OK?
-
- Yes.
-
- Yeah.
- Imagine now, there's four left.

Four left now.

- Thumpf!
-
- Thumpf!

- Thumpf!
- Thumpf!
- Thumpf.

- Thumpf!
- Thumpf!

- Thumpf!
-
- Wow.
- "Thank you very much."

£50 note. He's gone!

LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- He got 20 sausage rolls.
- Yes.

- He asked for 20, he got 20.
- Yes.

He managed to get the exact amount
of sausage rolls that he asked for.

He was given
and now there's none left.

Not 19. He didn't ask for


- He got it bang on, like that.
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- That's an amazing coincidence.

Well, look, this story
has been selected to be televised.

That is how remarkable it is.

- Huh.
- And I think
you're probably right.

If he'd wanted, like,
nine sausage rolls

and then we'd just bought two,
do you know what?

I think it wouldn't
have got to this point.

All right. We need an answer.

So is Myra Montell's cheating chum,

Holly's sartorial saviour,

or David's famished friend?

-
- She doesn't look like
a woman who eats sausage rolls.

-
- No.
- But then again,
maybe that's why

she can't break 30 minutes at 5K.

David is at the Hay Festival.

He's a famous author.

He's not queuing
with the hoi polloi.

- He's round the back in a nice
posh tent, getting free grub.
- Yeah.

-
- Maybe he'd like
just to mingle with
the great unwashed.

Yeah. "I want to get
the Greggs advert.

- "I'll buy a sausage roll."
- Yeah, that's right.

- "Then they'll see
the other side of me."
- Yeah.

He even had the voice ready.

-
- "I'll
have two sausage rolls, please.

"I'll put them in't paper bag."

What are you thinking, John?
Which way are you leaning?

Well, I think Holly
has been invited to Number 10.

Do you believe there's
a dress that goes all the way

from the top to the bottom
with a zip?

I have seen these dresses, yeah.

Where they go all the way down?

- Yeah, they're nice.
- You must have
seen one of those, Lee.

They're not that uncommon.

They're sexy, man.

-
- I'll take it.
- Not when you say it.

In fact, I'd call them off-putting,

- the way you said it.
-
- Yeah.

I don't think it was the voice.

- I think it was the waving
of the arms.
- Yeah.

"They're sexy, man."

David Morrissey,
who do you think it is?

I think it's Holly.

I can sort of imagine
that happening.

OK, I'll go with my team
and say it's Holly.

Right. Myra, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Myra,

and I helped Holly with her dress.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, Myra is
Holly's sartorial saviour.

Thank you very much, Myra.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.

And we start with...

It's Lee.

- Possession.
- Ah, now...
- Ooh.

Possession, right.

Take a look in the box
that's under your desk.

First of all, read out the card.

These are my doggy paddles.

Because he can't talk,

my dog brings me one of these
to tell me what he wants.

What is that, pooping?

So, David's team?

So let's have a look.
There's toilet, walk...

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's just for a bit of fun.

He always wants a game
of table tennis.

- Toilet, walk...
- What's the music one?

He likes music. My dog likes music.

Can I ask you which dog?

Cos you've got two dogs.

- Yes, cos we go dog walking together,
don't we?
- We go dog walking.

It's Ludo.

What breed of dog is he?

- He's a silver Labrador.
- Aw.
- Yes.
-
- Cute.

They are hard to train,
aren't they?

They're impossible to train.

Silver Labradors, particularly.
And I know people will write in,

"That's because you're
not training him properly."

Yeah? Well, that's cos you're
stupid. He's impossible to train.

Oh, I say he's impossible to train.

I've trained him to...

-
- I was just going to say,

the whole thing is
about you training him.

Yeah.

What is it about pets that
make you go crazy in this game?

- He is trained, Ludo, to bring
the relevant table tennis bat?
- Yeah.

No, you can see...
Look, there's marks on here

- from one of Ludo's teeth.
- Yeah.

- Oh, well, it must be true.
- Well, then it must be real.

Although I did see a member
of the production team

chewing a table tennis bat. So...

He comes towards me like this.

- It has been sterilised.
-
- Yeah?

I'm just telling Ludo
for when he has it back.

- Yeah?
- He, like that...

It's upside down, though.

- Not to him, it's not.
- He knows that...

- Yes, that's a good point.
- Not to him.

I'll go with that.
Not to him, it's not.

If he wants a bit of music,
he goes...

-
- Yeah, I see.

And where do you keep the bats?

In the loft.
Where do you keep yours?

Lee, you could put them
down for a bit

- and that will help with...
- I can't! He's only four years old!

No. The bats.

Oh, the bats! Sorry.

Right. Holly Willoughby?

Well, I mean, the only thing
I do know about Ludo is

that you haven't even quite
trained him to know his own name.

Because the only way you can
get that dog to come to you

is if you go, "Ball."

- Yes.
- And it now thinks
its name is Ball.

Yes.

David, what is
your team going to say?

- Um...
- It can't be true.

- Yeah, I think it can't.
-
- It can't be.

He's unusual in this.
It's almost more than a lie.

-
- Can't be.
- It actually CAN'T be true.

-
- Exactly.

They're essentially saying
it's a lie, Lee.

Is it a lie or was
that actually the truth?

Lie.

LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE

It's a lie.
Those aren't Lee's doggy paddles.

KLAXON BLARES
And that noise signals time is up,

it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team
has won by 3-1 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.

Goodnight!

CHEERING
WHISTLING