CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You,
the show that sorts
the facts from the fibs.
On Lee Mack's team tonight,
from Good Morning Britain,
it's good evening, Kate Garraway.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And from X Factor to Strictly,
it's JB Gill.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team
tonight,
an American comic making
her Wilty debut, Michelle Wolf.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And he is a broadcasting titan,
the one and only Jonathan Ross!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Thank you, thank you.
So to Round One, Home Truths,
where our panellists
read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
Jonathan is up first.
On holiday,
I once put on so much weight,
I got stuck on a balcony.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team.
Yeah, I believe that.
When was this?
This was a few years ago.
I was on holiday with my family
and they didn't have
interconnecting rooms,
so we got rooms side by side,
my wife and I
and the youngest one in that room,
and the two other kids in that room,
but the balcony at the back,
you could go round
and get in through the porch doors.
So, sorry, there's a balcony
that the two rooms share,
but it's got a connecting door?
No, in the middle,
there was a screen.
At the beginning of the holiday,
to check on my kids,
- I could slip through the screen.
- Ahh.
- Oh.
...but by the end of the holiday,
I got wedged.
Oh!
We weren't meant
to be sneaking through,
but because I was too lazy
to put on clothes to go outside,
in my underpants,
to check on the room,
I tried to squeeze through the gap -
successfully for the first three
or four days, but by day six, no.
Wedged, I was.
My wife pulled on one side, no good.
My children pulled on
the other side, no good.
Properly wedged.
- This happened to Winnie-the-Pooh.
- Yes.
So what had you been eating,
and how much of it?
Well, actually -
this makes it even worse -
I was actually on
quite a strict diet with my wife,
but she'd found
a loophole in the diet
and we abused the loophole.
What's the loophole?
Well, we were on one of those diets
where you eat a lot of protein,
and there's an hour a day
when you can eat what you want.
And I think it's meant to be
where you can have a little
bit of chocolate if you want.
Unfortunately, what we did was,
I was watching the clock,
and five to the hour,
I went to the buffet
and I got a bowl of tiramisu,
I got a bowl of trifle,
I got sweets from the store,
and I had all of that,
and literally I'd go, "Now!"
and we'd start and we'd eat 'em.
And I got away with it
for three or four days.
And are you saying that
you got stuck to the point
- where you couldn't get out
either way?
- I couldn't get out.
I think this was the problem.
And this was what
was wedged in tight.
So tight that, at the front bit,
there was railings
and some of the belly had gone out
through the railings.
So you looked like a sort of panini
being... Like, with the lines?
Yes.
Could you try a bit of oil,
just to squeeze it pa...?
Can I just say, the image is
already making me feel sick.
Let's not add rubbing oil
onto Jonathan's belly.
- So how did you get out?
- In the end,
we had to get a gentleman
who worked at the establishment
to come and apply force
on my shoulders,
while my wife tugged on my arm.
Were you humiliated?
No... Well, you've met me.
LAUGHTER
I just don't think
excessive tiramisu
would have made
that much of a difference.
In a week, you can put on weight
pretty quickly if you're inactive...
- Right.
- Number one.
...and if you're consuming
lots of calories...
- Number two.
- Yes.
...and if you've just
given up on life.
LAUGHTER
It's true, it's true.
Also, you always go on
about how minted you are...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- You do, Jonathan.
- He does, doesn't he?
He'd have shelled out for a suite.
How long were you there for?
- A week.
- Wow.
Could have been longer
if they didn't get me out!
What do you think, JB?
Are we going truth or a lie?
No, I think it's a lie.
Um... I'm going to say it's a lie.
OK, I'll go lie with my team.
I won't "go lie" with my team.
I don't mean I'm going to
go and lie with my team.
LAUGHTER
I will say lie.
OK. Jonathan, was it
true or was it a lie?
I'm not proud of this...
-
- Ohhh!
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's true.
Jonathan did get stuck on a balcony.
Right, JB, you're up next.
OK.
I still can't tell you what
the next letter in the alphabet is
without singing
the A, B, C, D alphabet song
to help get me there.
David's team.
Well, I mean, it's very difficult
for us to disprove this.
It's very difficult
if you're called JB.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Why don't you sing us the song?
♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G... ♪
Stop there. What a lovely voice.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wasn't that...?
The whole standard of the show
lifted in that moment.
Please give us the whole alphabet.
♪ ..H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P
♪ Q, R, S, T, U, V
♪ W, X, Y and Z
♪ Now I know my ABC
♪ Next time,
won't you sing with me? ♪
CHEERING
Interesting that you
said "zee" rather than "zed",
but other than that,
I thought it was lovely.
Well, it wouldn't have
rhymed otherwise, would it?
I know, but we're British.
OK, what comes after Q?
Um...
♪ A, B, C... ♪
LAUGHTER
R.
OK. What comes after A?
You don't have to! Not for A!
When does this come up
in your life?
I've got young children.
My youngest is six now,
almost seven,
so when they're spelling,
they spell it phonetically.
As in?
"Ah", "buh" and so on.
So you know it "ah", "buh",
but you don't know it A, B?
No, cos I didn't learn it like that.
And also, you sound a bit strange
doing it that way, don't you?
♪ Ah, buh, kuh, duh,
eff, fuh, guh... ♪
They don't...
LAUGHTER
♪ ..huh, ih, juh, muh, nuh, oh, puh
♪ quoh, ruh, suh, tuh, uh, vuh
♪ wuh, ksss, yuh, zuh. ♪
LAUGHTER
But if they're already spelling it,
why do you have to respell it?
- No...
- Especially as you're obviously
not as clever as they are.
So, for instance, if I'm in the car,
they're doing their reading, OK,
so she's only six,
so there are words sometimes
when she just goes...
HE MUMBLES
...and just fumbles through it.
So I tell her to spell it.
But why do you need to know
what order it's in?
It's not like she's saying
"Oh, it's the letter after H."
You know "huh" means H,
so you don't have to then start
from A, B, C, D,
cos you know what
she means, so I think...
Jonathan, this is just a bit of fun.
LAUGHTER
He tries that on me all the time.
Whenever you're getting somewhere...
The point is,
yes, it is supposed
to be enjoyable -
I believe sometimes people
can get through an episode -
but the only thing that sustains it
is that we've got to
pretend it matters.
- The quest for truth.
- Absolutely.
You might as well say,
watching Wimbledon, goes in the net,
"Oh, have another go. It doesn't
matter, it's only a game."
OK, so, Michelle,
what do you think?
Is he telling the truth?
I can't figure out
when you would need to know this.
I like to think you're
a good dad, but, you know...
- But we've no proof.
- We have no proof of that.
I've been with you most of the day.
You haven't mentioned
your kids once, so...
I'm going to say it's a lie.
I think it's a lie.
- Jonathan?
- I'm going to go with you.
I think it's also a lie.
But now, I also think it's true!
Well, the thing that's problematic
is it might be true.
However much we think
about it, we can't know.
And that's what's so...
I'm going to use
the word "depressing".
What are you going to say?
I'm going to say, you know,
it's a job, isn't it? And it's...
LAUGHTER
...you know, an increasingly
fraught industry, frankly,
and so I should count myself lucky,
but at the same time,
some days, you just
can't bear another second.
All right, Jonathan,
what's your team going to say?
LAUGHTER
I'll be honest with you,
I don't know whether we're a team
any more, to be honest with you.
I think we're going to go
with a lie, aren't we?
- We'll say lie.
- They're saying it's a lie.
JB, singing the alphabet,
truth or lie?
It was a lie.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie,
JB doesn't need to sing
the alphabet song.
Michelle, you're next.
Whenever I'm back in the States,
I adopt a British accent in shops
because I find
it gets me better service.
- Oh!
- Oooh!
- Yes.
- How does
your British accent go?
-
- Well, it's quite nice.
It's like this a lot
and I'm very good at it.
LAUGHTER
- Blimey. Somewhere out there,
even d*ck Van d*ke's tutting.
- Yes!
-
- I think
the brilliance of this
is that I'm so good at accents...
LAUGHTER
...and I can do all of 'em.
Are you doing it now?
Any American shop,
that's what you do?
If I think
it'll get me better service.
Would you do it if you needed,
like, the service of an ambulance?
Would you ring up 911 and do that?
Yeah.
-
- It's really urgent,
so you've got to come quickleh!
Your British accent needs some work.
You're criticising
my British accent?
This has got weird!
I would ring them up,
I'd go, "'ello?
"911? I've been calling 999
this whole time.
"So glad I finally got you."
Oh, it's like a radio, isn't it?
Drifting in and out of reception.
The beginning wasn't bad.
- Can you do Scottish?
- Scottish? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Oi, ya...
LAUGHTER
"Oi, ya?"
What about Australian?
-
- Er... G'day!
I put a shrimp on the barbie!
No, no!
That was Scottish, so I think
you're doing the one before.
- Can you do Irish?
- Irish? Yeah.
I bet this one will
be Australian now.
What great craic!
The Irish certainly
do like hard drugs, so that's...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
All right, what are we thinking?
I think the Americans know that
the British have terrible service...
- Yes.
- ...so wouldn't
expect good service.
- I think it's a lie.
- I think it is.
I think it's quite painful for you
to try and recreate
the British accent.
They think it's a lie.
Michelle, was it a lie
or were you telling the truth?
Well, this wuz definiteleee...
...a loieee!
Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, James.
APPLAUSE
So, JB, what is James to you?
Well, this is James.
He is the video director
that was once sick on my feet.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
Kate, how do you know James?
This is James,
and he caught me on CCTV
doing something I shouldn't at work.
LAUGHTER
Right!
Lee, what is your relationship
with James?
This is James.
I ruined his world record attempt
when I accidentally
set off his domino rally
hours earlier than he
or the judges were expecting.
LAUGHTER
So there we have it.
David's team, where will you be?
OK, we'll start with JB.
Sick on your feet.
Describe the circumstances.
- So, we were in Miami.
- Yeah.
We are on set of a video
that we're sh**ting.
Now, this video had lots of set-ups,
but this particular section of
the video, we were all in a teacup.
So, four of us, James,
and he was basically in the middle,
and you know the teacups
you get at the fairground ride?
So, with those teacups,
you can spin them yourself
as well as them going round
in sort of like a carousel motion.
Well, this is where
you have snookered yourself, sir.
- Why?
- Because you just said James
was in the middle, filming you...
- Yeah.
- ...but you just pointed out
in the middle,
they have a device
with which one can spin oneself.
There's no room in the middle
for a cameraman!
- Of course there's room in the middle
for cameraman!
- NO, THERE ISN'T!
So we are spinning on the teacups.
He has motion sickness
or whatever he has.
He's basically sick
all over my feet.
And we've all got bare feet on
because we're in Miami,
so we had to stop the whole sh**t,
get the teacups cleaned up.
The people who owned it are
really upset because, of course,
they had to dismantle
the whole thing.
- What?
- Not to mention you
were barefoot in a ride
where you're not
allowed to be barefoot.
-
- But it was our sh**t.
Yeah, I assume
they've hired the whole ride...
- They can do what they want.
- ...not just saying,
"Can we have another go?"
We recently returned
from a delightful family holiday,
which we enjoyed the experience
of the Wizarding World.
There's a ride in that which
has an awful lot of movement
and an awful lot of imagery,
and I went on it
with my darling wife, my soulmate.
Halfway through,
she vomited most heavily,
but, being a decent woman,
she caught it in her top...
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
...and held it for
the rest of the ride.
I love your definition
of a "decent woman".
However, they were thrilled because
they didn't have to shut down
the ride to clean up the vomit,
but at no time did they suggest,
as you did, sir,
they would have to
dismantle the ride?!
How else are you going to clean it?
You use a mop!
You can't just use a mop!
It's a teacup ride.
Yeah, they don't have
to dismantle it!
-
- Of course you do!
You can't have it sitting there.
It'd look like a big Cup-a-Soup.
GROANING AND LAUGHTER
Who would be that bothered
about a little bit of vomit
they'd have to take it apart?
I swallowed some of my vomit
once on the way home,
to avoid getting it in a cab
and paying the surcharge!
And he is a decent woman!
I'm a decent woman!
LAUGHTER
Now, what about Kate?
- Kate, right.
- Yes.
James caught me doing something
I shouldn't have been doing
at work on CCTV.
It wasn't involving a member
of Parliament, was it?
I remember seeing that footage.
I was joining Smooth Radio.
I'd never worked in a radio station,
working the desk before,
being, like, a proper music DJ, so
I was brought in for some training
and they took it really seriously.
Training to be a presenter
on Smooth Radio?
LAUGHTER
You're playing out from the desk,
different music,
got to fade things up and down.
Anyway, I'd never done it before and
they were trying to keep the fact
that I was starting
with the station a secret...
- Yes, yes.
- ...so they put me
into a training studio
and they put newspaper up
at all the windows.
- Gosh.
- It was super exciting.
Why was it so secretive?
Were they worried they were
going to lose listeners?
LAUGHTER
Oh, that's not fair, Jonathan!
- I know.
- Shame on you!
- I apologise, I apologise.
Come on.
They took me in there.
Lovely guy was showing me
the basics.
"This is where you fade over, this
is what you do to open the mic..."
So he went out to
leave me to have a play,
but I had an enormous...
- Steady.
- Oh, hang on.
...vanilla latte.
Ooh, is that what you call it?
So I brushed my hand across and put
the entire thing into the faders.
Oh, no.
He then comes back, so I said,
"I'm really, really sorry,
"I think I might have spilt
a little bit of my drink."
"A little bit"?
A little bit, compared to, say, the
amount of liquid in an oil tanker?
Yes!
I then find out later
that the engineers say
that the whole thing
was defunct and unusable,
and they were so cross they went
and pulled the CCTV footage,
identified me,
and then James had to come
and see me and tell me off.
- Because James is...?
- He's sort of my boss.
I should point out that I am perhaps
unfairly placed
for this particular story
because I also work
for a sister station,
I do a show for Classic FM,
which is a movie soundtrack show,
and, often, my studio happens
to be next door to...
- ...Kate Garraway's...
- Ooh...
...and I have never seen
that impostor come in and out
of that room in my entire life!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- That's a shame cos I was
believing that story.
- I know.
And I must admit,
I'm still thinking it might be true!
Maybe he's just very lazy
and doesn't come to the office much.
Now, what about Lee?
OK. Well, I suppose
we'd better go through the motions.
Remind us, remind us of
your connection with James.
This is James.
I ruined his world record attempt
when I accidentally
set off his domino rally
hours earlier than he or the judges
were expecting.
OK, I think we're aware that things
like that have happened in the news.
- Yes, indeed.
- And that must be where
the production team
got the idea from.
OK, I think we're ready
to make a decision.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
When was this, Lee?
When are we talking about here?
I preferred his idea!
Was it since the last series?
Oh, it was definitely
since the last series.
I thought it might have been.
- There's a reason
it hasn't cropped up.
- Yeah.
Sorry, where was it again?
What building was this in?
It was the NEC in Birmingham.
NEC in Birmingham, OK.
What were you doing there
while this was happening?
I was doing a piece
for the Guinness Book of Records
because, as you will know,
because it's come up
on the show before,
I have been
in the Guinness Book of Records.
Oh, here we go.
They were the first people
to attempt a million.
A million dominoes?!
No, a million sugar cubes.
Yes, a million dominoes.
What was the previous record?
I think I'd have gone for
about 870,000 myself,
but then I'm lazy.
I wouldn't have bothered.
I don't want to be in the book.
- But let me ask you...
- Yeah, but you couldn't be,
cos you haven't got any skills
like I have at darts.
-Oooh!
- Have you still got that record?
No, because I bragged about it
on this,
the professionals found out
and they beat me straight away!
LAUGHTER
And that is a true story!
Was it your bottom or some...? Or
you're just, you were a bit clumsy?
No, what had happened is
they'd done the feature,
I dressed up nicely, forgot
I was wearing me winkle-pickers...
When you say, "I dressed up nicely,"
already I know this is a lie.
LAUGHTER
I mean, from anybody else,
Jonathan...
So you touched one?
- Well, I did accidentally
with my foot.
- Yeah.
I was looking at me phone.
I'd taken a step back, I turned,
the shoes were a bit longer
than I thought.
You know me, I'm never happy
unless I've got clown shoes on.
Turned round, knocked that
first domino and that's it.
Obviously, I tried to stop it,
but I can't help thinking
I made more of a mess.
If you hit the first one, though,
if you'd just let it go,
that would have been fine,
you'd have broken the record.
- No, there has to be judges, though.
They hadn't turned up yet.
- Ahh.
Otherwise what you've done is
just laid down loads of dominoes
and go, "Look! If only
you'd've been here an hour ago."
All I could do was just,
for the first few sec...
Cos there was no-one there
because I did the piece to camera,
there was an hour to go,
- and there was no-one in the room
apart from me.
- No-one in the room?
For a minute, just for one minute.
Everyone had gone out for a second.
Everyone had gone out and just left
you alone with a million dominoes?
You've seen the size of the NEC.
On a big event day, you'd think
it'd be almost impossible
to be in a room like that
on your own.
- Yeah.
- But, no, I was...
LAUGHTER
Now, remind us what James
has got to do with this story.
LAUGHTER
- It was his world record attempt.
- Right, right.
How did he react
when he saw the mess?
Do you know how long it
had taken him to set it up?
- How long?
- I don't know,
I was wondering if you did.
I've heard rumours of a month.
- Right.
- Not on his own,
he had a team.
So they closed the centre
for a month?
No, no.
What they do
is they raise the floor,
and he builds it under the floor,
and that particular month,
there was a concert on above it.
LAUGHTER
Hang on, hang on!
Luckily... it wasn't Riverdance!
It was... Have you seen
The Shiny Shoes Shuffle Show?
All they do is just shuffle
gently on the floor like that.
It's all very quiet.
And the crowd are all so old,
they don't even clap.
Everything's very still.
And it gets built
for a month underneath.
And what's the capacity of the NEC
when it's doing a show?
Oh, it's not that much.
Only about 32,000.
Something big like
The Shiny Shoes Shuffle Show
will easily sell a month's
worth of gigs with 32,000.
You're only looking at
a few million people,
and they just come quietly in,
watch The Shiny Shoes Shuffle Show,
go out, night after night,
and underneath the ground,
James and his team are working
away, slightly bent over.
He came back into the room
and he saw the mess you'd made.
How did he react?
He said a word that I can't say
on television...
...because he's Russian
and I didn't know what it meant.
Right, we need an answer.
Is James JB's sickly sidekick,
Kate's prying pal,
or Lee's raging record breaker?
I think it's 50-50, innit?
LAUGHTER
We'll rule out Lee.
Grudgingly, we'll rule out...
LAUGHTER
And also, let's hope it's not Kate
because that means that Jonathan
doesn't talk to the staff
at the radio station.
Why would I?
I feel like the guy would be
American if he was filming in Miami.
That's a point.
He looks too sickly to be American.
Do you know what he looks like?
The kind of man that's been in
the dark under a stage for a month.
Just ask JB - is James American?
No.
Here's the thing, then, I think
that makes me think it is Kate.
I don't know, I do feel like
a musical group of that calibre
could bring over the videographer
of their choice.
This is when you show
your leadership qualities
that we've never seen in the past
but we know are in there somewhere.
Yeah. OK, so you think it's Kate?
I'm not even saying anything
any more.
- I want you to...
- You're not saying ANYTHING?
I've said more than enough.
I think we all agree on that.
Michelle, what do you think?
I'm a solid Lee.
Lee?!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Right, we're going, we're going...
OK, you want leadership?!
No, no! Yes, yes, leadership!
All right, let's go over the top,
towards the g*ns!
JB!
- You're saying it's JB?
- Yes!
- Ooh!
All right. James, would you
please reveal your true identity?
I'm James,
and I caught Kate on CCTV.
Yes!
APPLAUSE
You know how clumsy I am!
Here's the thing.
James IS Kate's prying pal
AND we can see that footage.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Keep a close eye
on the area that we've circled.
Oh, my God. Oh, my...
GASPING AND LAUGHTER
And look. Watch what she's...
Look, look.
There, that'll sort it out.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much, James.
Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,
and we start with...
It's David.
Last summer,
I was called in for a chat
by the chair
of my local tennis club
because someone had complained that
my grunts were putting them off.
LAUGHTER
Lee's team.
Your grunts as a player
or just someone who hangs around
the tennis court?
As a player.
I've never known you
to do anything sporty
- in all the time I've known you.
- Well, tennis.
Yeah, I play tennis.
Used to play squash.
I don't play squash any more,
but I still play... tennis.
Wow.
LAUGHTER
Is it on the serve or every shot?
I think I'm probably
more conscious of it on the serve.
Let's be honest, it gets louder
when I've been playing for...
Well, I'd say a few hours,
but I mean a few minutes.
Could you give us
an example of the grunt?
Take the stage, please.
If we do all this visual stuff,
we'll never make
the conversion to radio.
LAUGHTER
So a serve first of all.
I'm bouncing the ball.
OK, like this.
The ball's in the air and...
UGH!
Ooh, that's quite something! Wow.
Impressive serve...
I think it might have gone.
- Ball's hit back to the backhand.
- Yes.
- That's my weaker side.
I do a single-handed backhand
because, unlike a lot of
professionals, I'm not a cheat.
LAUGHTER
And then...
- UGH!
- Oof!
- And then...
- I'm sorry, but...
- ...OOH!
No, no, no, no.
I've not heard any grunting.
I've heard,
if you don't mind me saying,
quite feminine screaming.
I want you to be more grunty
and less screamy.
All right.
-
- UGH!
LAUGHTER
- Hang on, hang on. Do it again.
- Shall I do it with a tennis move?
Maybe I'll do a little volley.
- UGH!
- Oh, there we go!
EURGH!
And now a forehand.
HE GRUNTS LOUDLY
A bit... A bit came out.
Yes, I saw.
Hey, David, tell me about it.
LAUGHTER
Thank you.
You said you were hauled in.
Talk us through that.
I don't know who complained.
To this day, I don't know
who complained, but I was...
Are you in the same tennis club
as Jonathan?
Well, not any more.
I had to move because of the noise.
So what are we thinking? JB?
I think it's a lie.
- Because?
- Well, you've known David
a lot longer than I have.
- Oh, yes...
- And the fact...
LAUGHTER
...the fact the fact
that you don't associate him
with playing sport, for me, is...
I don't associate him with movement
that much.
LAUGHTER
I think it's a lie.
- I think it is, probably.
- OK, they think it's a lie, David.
- A lie?!
- A lie.
- What I just said?!
- Yes.
Yes!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, it's a lie.
David didn't get a complaint
about his grunts.
FINAL BUZZER
And that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
I can reveal that Lee's team
has won by three points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
CHEERING
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register