19x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show with barefaced lies
and well-masked truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

all the way from Match Of The Day,
it's Mark Chapman.

And singer, actor,
some kind of superstar,

it's Jamelia.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
winner of both a glitterball

and a Bafta,
it's Strictly's Dianne Buswell.

And it's Mr Middlesbrough himself,
Bob Mortimer.

We begin with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Jamelia, you're first up tonight.

Whenever somebody wrongs me,

I get my own back
in my very special way.

Oh! Wrong, like bad?
Yeah. What kind of thing,

first of all, would you consider
as a wrong to you?

Erm, to be honest, most of
the people that I do this to

are, like, exes.

Right, the big question, then -
what is it? What is it you do?

OK, so it's a computer game
called The Sims 4.

Love it! Called what, sorry? Sims.
It's the best game.

I've been playing it for years.
I know about this.

I know about The Sims.

Would you, then, for Grandpa there,
would you explain?

So it's, like...
It's a computer game...

Oh, she's looking at Bob.
He meant me! I know what it is!

I meant Lee, not Bob!

That's my favourite
Bob Mortimer moment

on Would I Lie To You?.

I play Sims 5.
Oh, you play Sims 5? Yeah. Wow.

So basically, you build your perfect
house and stuff. Right.

And you have, like, a star above
your head and you can get pregnant.

You can do all sorts.

Get pregnant from having
a star above your head?

Yes!

That happens in the Bible.

There's a star
and a pregnancy and...

As Dianne said,
you can kind of build a world,

so I create the person,

and I makes sure
it looks like the person,

and then... The ex? Yeah.
And then what happens?

You can create them a house
and, you know,

and they get a job
and blah, blah, blah, but I...

Mine don't.

I just make sure they suffer,
so they don't...

What sort of things, then,
would make their life terrible?

Well, like, they don't apply for
a job, and so they don't have money,

and if they don't have money,
then they can't really eat.

If they can't eat, you know...

You know this show,
this gets broadcast? Yes.

What's the worst thing
you've done to them?

I'm not doing anything to them.

It's just they...
Oh, I think you are. No, they...

You're controlling whether
he applies for a job.

I control whether they even
go to the toilet.

Well, there, so it is you doing it,
then!

You don't let them go to the toilet?

It just depends how I feel
on the day.

Like, you know,
how much do I hate them that day?

But it's a good thing, because I'm
not doing these things in real life.

Well, let me ask you a question.

If you contacted your ex,
said, "How have you been?"

And they said,
"I've not been able to find a job,

"I'm struggling to go to
the toilet,"

be honest,
how would it make you feel?

I already must sound like a psycho,
but I'd be quite happy.

Is it the kind of game where, if I
go on and create a character,

I can find you in that world?

Not yet, but the next one, Sims 5,
we're going to be able to do that.

He said... Now, is that
what you play? He's lying!

I played the original Sims.

When are you going to learn
never to believe a thing he says?

What do we think? Dianne?

I kind of want this to be a lie,

but I feel like it's a truth.

I'd like it to be true.
Would you? Yeah? Oh, nice.

Well, it is quite a nice way
of coping with, erm...

You don't think it's as good
as just moving on?

So you think truth? Lie?
Truth for me.

Truth? Yeah, true.
Yeah, go on. We'll say that's true.

You'll say it's true? Oh, my word.

Jamelia, was it true
or was it a lie?

Of course it is...

...true. Oh!

It's true. Jamelia does take revenge
on those who wrong her.

Dianne, you're next. OK.

Whenever I park my car,
I always give it a kiss goodbye.

David's team.

Why?

I mean, my car,
it's really nothing special,

but to me, it's very special.
What model of car is it?

So it's a Mini Cooper.

It has a sunroof.

What colour?
Blue, but it was red.

No, but that's a true story.
Basically...

Unlike...?

Now, I'm going to ask you
a delicate question. Mm-hm.

Where do you kiss it?

It's actually the little ears,
is what I call them.

The wing mirrors? Yes.

You bend over
and kiss the wing mirror?

At least it's not the exhaust pipe.

So say, like, you've got, like, bird
poo, or maybe, like, you know...

A big splat of bird poo on the wing
mirror, what would you do then?

I think that's better luck.
Good luck.

Not for your health, it's not.

Well, actually, it's good for
your immune system, actually.

Utter rubbish.

It actually is.

Please don't encourage children
watching at home to eat bird poo.

Jamelia, what do you think?

I think absolutely no chance
is this true.

My turning point was saying that
you're OK with kissing the bird poo,

like...
Actually, if you did know me,

you would know that I would
very much kiss bird poo,

because I'm just that kind of girl.

I'm not sure that someone who will
kiss bird poo IS a kind of girl.

It's funny because the phrase "I'm
just that kind of girl"

is usually preceded with "I like
drinking tequila and dancing".

"I'm just that kind..."
It's not very often, is it,

"I like kissing bird poo. I'm just
that kind of girl."

I think it's true. You think it's
true? You think it's true

and you think it's a lie.

I think it's a lie. I mean, please!

Where does that leave me?

I've never seen you broken
before you speak to Bob.

He just said he played The Sims 5,
and that turned out not to be true.

He's just toying with us!

He had no need. There was no card.

He didn't need to start.
The boxing had not begun.

And yet he's already swung at me.

You think it's true?
No. I'll go lie.

Really? Yes. I'll go with my team
and say lie.

OK. They're saying it's a lie.

Dianne, was it a lie or was it true?

It is...

...a lie!

Yes, it's a lie.
Dianne doesn't kiss her car goodbye.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of
our panellists.

This week, each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Pam.

So, Mark, what is Pam to you?
Uh, this is Pam.

When I thought she might be having
a heart attack,

I ignored her
because I was busy with golf.

Jamelia, how do you know Pam?

So this is Pam

and when I sang at the birth of
a billionaire's baby,

she delivered it.

And finally, David,
what is your relationship with Pam?

This is Pam,
and I had to make it up to her

after I unwittingly
completed her crossword on a train.

So there we have it. Lee's team,
where will you begin?

We'll start with Mark.

Well, first of all,
how do you know her?

Er, we used to work together.
Where? Er, on the radio.

She was a producer and editor.
So you were playing golf?

Er, no, I was working on the golf,
the Open golf

at St Andrews.
I'm a big golf fan.

What year was this?
Er, three years ago.

Oh, OK.

Who won the Open, three years ago,
at St Andrews?

Um...

...Cam Smith.

I hate golf. I never watch it

So, OK, talk us through
what happens next.

And by the 18th - and also the
first, because they're

next to each other at St Andrews -
and when you do the golf,

you need someone to look
after your coffee

and give you little notes
and stuff like that. Uh-huh.

And that was what Pam was doing.

No coffee, no golf. No coffee, no
golf.

That a Bob Marley song? Yeah.

Coming down the 18th is Tiger Woods.
Yeah. Oh!

And going the other way is
Rory McIlroy. Right.

Is that allowed? I thought they
all have to go the same way.

No, they're going on
different... different holes.

Oh, that's safer. That's safer.

So I'm commentating on it and I can

see a figure on the floor
next to me. I glance, it's Pam.

And you're panicking because you're
thinking she spilt my coffee. I'm...

Pam is on her back and not moving.
She's so professional,

she's like that.

And on the one hand,
I'm thinking, "I could help her,"

but on the other,
I'm thinking, "I'm commentating on

"Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy
crossing for the last time."

Was anyone else helping Pam?
No, because...

...we were the only ones inside
the ropes.

Was she making any noises?

"Here's your coffee."

If she was, I couldn't hear her
because I had my headphones on.

She looked in distress?
Well, she looked... motionless.

And I...

So she might have already died...
She might!

...in which case there was nothing
you could have done anyway.

But you are on the radio.
It's not television. Yeah.

So did you not feel you could
at least sort of do both and go...

What, commentate and...
"Here we are, Tiger Woods...

"..and Rory are crossing now.
It's a dramatic moment."

We did a set.

She didn't have a heart attack. No,
but you thought she might have had.

I'd just seen her fall back
and lie on the floor.

What had happened to her?
Well, with your headphones,

you wear a very large battery pack
around your waist

that's really heavy.
And Pam had bent down

to pick my coffee up
to hand it to me.

And the weight of the battery
pack had...

...had sent her tumbling backwards,

and she couldn't get
up off the floor.

When did you realise she was OK?

Once Tiger had gone past, I looked
and she was, er, laughing.

OK. And did you laugh politely
and then go,

"Seriously, though, the coffee."
No!

I laughed and was very relieved.
It's disappointing, Mark. Oh.

Do you still work together? No.

Pam left the BBC
about six months after.

What a surprise.

Went to work at Costa?

Who would you like to quiz next,
Lee?

Let's quiz Jamelia.
Remind us of how you know Pam.

So I was performing at the birth of

a billionaire's baby,
and Pam delivered the baby.

Where was this?

Um, so, the house was
in Holland Park.

It was a home birth.

And you were booked,
or you're a friend?

Basically, they booked me
for a two-week block.

Wow. I couldn't work. Wow.
I mean, they paid me handsomely.

So it was fine. Are you willing to
say how much? No way.

And then, um, the week where
the birth...

...we knew it was going to happen,
I had to actually stay in the house.

I wasn't like,
locked up. I was a guest.

It was lovely.

Until you just said that no-one
thought you were locked up.

Now I'm wondering,
were you locked up?

So is there a band there,
or are you singing a cappella?

So a guitar player came in.
So the guitar player

was basically on call
because he lived,

like, in Shepherd's Bush. Right.
And the birth was in Holland Park,

and they're not too far
from each other.

But because I was from Birmingham,
I stayed.

Hang on, he's a billionaire. Yeah.

He couldn't just get you
a flat round the corner, or a hotel?

His house was huge. Like...

Why didn't the guitar player come
and stay, then?

I was, like, famous at the time,

so he probably didn't want
just a random guitar player.

I think it was, you know...
Ooh.

No! Wow!

Oh, my God. I'll tell you what,
Mark,

you're not the most
heartless person here.

Did you actually perform during
the birth itself?

Yes. What did you sing? Literally. I
sang, like, more of my mellow songs.

Oh, so all your own stuff?
Not all my own.

I did some covers as well.

Pam helps deliver the baby.

Pam was the midwife. Oh, OK.

Does she get to stay in the house?
Yeah, she... Yeah, because...

This guitar player is very low rent,
isn't he?

No disrespect to Pam,
but Pam is not famous.

Why are the rules different

for Pam than
the guitar player that's not famous?

She's a midwife.

She's delivering the baby.
She's not famous, though, is she?

No, but she's more important to
the whole thing than the guitarist.

Are there no midwives
that can play guitar?

Now, what about David, then?
OK, David, remind us. Yeah.

Well, I had to make it up to Pam

when I unwittingly completed
her crossword on a train.

You got the last one?

I got the last few.
What crossword was it?

It was the cryptic one
in the Telegraph.

Talk us through it.
Well, I got on the train.

Oh, not the whole story,
just the bit that counts.

OK, erm...

...so I was born.

Er, no... Who was playing? I'm going
to go Nigel Kennedy.

So I sat in my seat... Yeah. ..and
there was

what looked to me like an abandoned
newspaper.

Now, are you on a two-seater
or a four-seater?

A four-seater. Four-seater.
Are you on your own?

I am. But there's a newspaper there.
On the table.

Apparently, no-one's sitting there.

No evidence
that Pam even exists at this point.

No pen. No pen?
I had to use my own pen.

Wow. I mean, I don't know where
Pam is,

but in a minute, I'm going to
say, "She took a pen to the toilet"?

Carry on.

She must've done! Yeah. Um...

I never checked. When she came
and sat down,

I did not go, "Have you been to
the toilet?"

When you sat down, was it literally
in front of you there?

Hmm... er...

When you went, "Er," you sound like
the impression he does of you.

It's a first.

I'd say that it's certainly not
presented in front of me

like a sort of table mat. But it was
closest to the seat you were sat in?

Hmm, mm, er...

There was no-one else sitting around
this table. Er, mm, er...

There was no-one else sitting
around the table.

"Quite enjoy it,
I suppose..."

Do I do that? Mm, er...

Right, so, she sits down? Yes.

Took the newspaper back... from you,
did she?

No, well, I sort of put it
towards her,

and then she says,
"Oh, you've finished the crossword?"

And I went, "Oh, yes, I'm terribly
sorry."

And she was, "Oh, no..."

This is the most middle-class dustup
I've ever heard.

Go on. No... She was really
nice about it.

And I said, "I'm sorry."
And she said, "That's fine."

And it was, you know, fine,
but awkward.

Where had she been?
I don't know. I didn't ask.

Well, we know where she's been,
don't we?

If she's not got a tea
or a KitKat with her,

she's been to the loo.

Can you think of any other place
she could have been? Well,

she could have been solving a m*rder
that happened in the restaurant car.

And how did you make it up to her?

Soon afterwards, I went
up to the buffet car to buy a tea.

And I thought,

I'll buy her a newspaper
if they've got one there.

They've got an array of newspapers
at those... No.

They weren't selling newspapers
in the buffet car.

But you thought they would. Yeah.
Did you get anything for her?

I got myself a tea
and I got her a Twirl.

And what did she say
when you gave her a Twirl?

She said,
"I've got Type II diabetes."

You said, "Was that four across?"

Right, we need an answer.
So, is Pam Mark's forsaken friend,

Jamelia's birth buddy,
or David's puzzled pal?

First of all,
what do we think of Mark?

Does he look like the kind of man

that would leave a woman
on the floor,

possibly having had a heart attack,

because he wants
to carry on his own selfish career?

I feel like he does, a bit, but...

What are you thinking, Bob?

I'm most interested in Pam.

I think the glasses say media.

Ah. But the necklace says hospital.

Yes.

Well, you know all the chat-up
lines, don't you?

"Oh, I love your necklace, love."

It says to me - hospital.

It's so gynae! So hospital!

Are you saying, Bob, that you think
Pam produces Casualty?

I believe Jamelia.
You believe Jamelia?

Jamelia's story was told
beautifully.

It sounded very authentic.

Dianne, what did you think
of Jamelia's story?

I thought Jamelia's story
was very realistic.

Well, in a non-realistic way.

Do you not think it's Jamelia?
I don't think it's Jamelia.

More about the accommodation
than anything.

Yeah, true. "I'm a billionaire.
I've got 100 rooms.

"Guitar player's not staying."

If I lived in Shepherd's Bush...
Shepherd's Bush...

Yeah, I'd rather stay at home.

So what I'm saying is
that I got on a train...

...and a newspaper had been left
on the table,

and it subsequently turned out

that its owner was still on
the train.

Now, in your world of disbelieving
a guitarist

coming from Shepherd's Bush,
does not my story

shine with truth?

Lee, it's time for a decision.

Are we going to go with
Jamelia, team?

Come on, Jamelia. Go with Jamelia.
You're going Jamelia.

OK. Pam, would you please reveal
your true identity?

I'm Pam and Mark Chapman ignored me
when I fell at the golf.

Yes, Pam is Mark's forsaken friend.

Thank you very much, Pam. Thank you.

Which brings us to our final
round, Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

...it's Bob.

I once helped a famous footballer
with his cheese selection.

David's team. What was the cheese?
I don't remember any of this.

No, I do.

It's a very fleeting memory.
Do you know,

like, if you dig up a weed
and put it in the wheelbarrow?

Very quickly forgotten it, weed.

You see the games he plays? What?

A conversation with a ticket
inspector.

Yeah.

I can't remember it that well.

And yet buying cheese with Ronaldo's
quite memorable.

Who was the footballer?
It was the famous one.

Which famous one?

He played for the big club.

Where are you from, Mark?

Manchester.

Manchester player.

Right. Which one?

Edin Dzeko.

Right. OK. When was this?

It was...

...about ten years ago.

Is that still how we measure
the passage of time, yeah?

Edin Dzeko, was he playing
ten years ago?

Yeah, he was a striker
for Manchester City.

What was the circumstance, Bob?
Where were you?

Manchester. Oh, you were
in Manchester.

I was in Manchester, yeah.

I was there for a meeting
with some old friends of mine, um...

Tony Holdall...

...and Gerry Haversack.

They had a little double act
together called the Carrier Bags.

Tony, very small man.

On account of his height, he had the
nickname Shetland Tony.

And I was too early for the meeting.
Right. So I thought,

"I'll go to the nice supermarket
and get some car cheese."

Car cheese?
Cheese to eat in the car.

Car cheese. Car cheese.
Is that a thing?

Do you not like a bit of cheese
in a vehicle?

It's such a nice shop.
In Manchester - Booths.

The Waitrose of the north.

Ah. Yeah. And they have a cheese
counter, Jamelia,

and a man...
He's such a small man...

Yeah, yeah. ..that...

...that he'd written on his palm.

It said, "Hi," on one palm,

and then it said, "Cheese?"

So anyway, yeah, but... Oh.

So I was buying some cheese to eat
in my car. I can't...!

Would Shetland Tony
have towered over this guy?

Well, it might have been his dad.

I don't remember the cheese man.

OK. Erm. What about Eddie Jekyll?
When did he appear?

Edin. Edin. Edin.

Bang! Edin the ball!

Right. Smirk, kick, head!

And so I saw him,
and I was very excited.

And I wanted
to send a picture of him to my sons.

So I followed him around,
and he's concentrating on,

like, you know, the airy foods,
you know,

like Rice Krispies, crumpets,
cheese puffs.

In the shop?

You're following through a section
where the food

is grouped sort of according to
the aesthetic of its structure.

No, I just noticed

that he was ferreting around
for that type/category of food.

Oh, in every area,
in the chocolate area, it's Aero,

the cheese area, it's Swiss cheese.

The cake area, it's the sponge.

So this guy, you analyse, wants food
with holes in it.

Exactly. Because I did stand next
to him very closely

and he picked up some luncheon meat.

And he said, um...

"F-F-Far too dense."

He said what?

"Far too dense."

To who?

Who's he talking to?

To himself. To himself. To the
luncheon meat!

He's from Bosnia.

So he was talking to himself
in English, though, not...

Not in his native language. He...
Is he Bosnian?

He is Bosnian, yeah. He's Bosnian.

He's Bosnian, but fluent in five
languages.

Yeah, but still, his most
natural language

for him to talk to himself in
wouldn't be English, would it?

You see, German used to be
the language

for engineering
and science way back.

Yeah. And English was always

the language of research.

And he was researching the food.

And so, "Far too dense."

"Far too dense."
"Far too dense." Anyway.

Had it been like a new
species of flower,

he'd have spoken in Latin.

So what happened next?

I arrived at the cheese counter
and I ordered some Red Leicester.

Dzeko appeared and he asked me

what cheese I'd bought
and would I recommend it?

I said to him it was Red Leicester,
yeah? Yes.

And he asked the man if he could try
a bit of the Red Leicester.

The man put up his hands.
Yeah, sure.

He didn't. Yeah. The man gave him

a bit of Red Leicester
and he looked at me

and he said something
in the area of...

What?

You've learnt now that
he spoke to himself

in his own language, haven't you?

So I looked her up afterwards

and it actually meant
"whoops-a-daisy".

He didn't like it. He didn't like
it. He didn't like it.

He said, "Whoops-a-daisy."

Whoops-a-daisy, I've put something
disgusting in my mouth.

Yeah. You know, as it were.
"Ooh, whoops-a-daisy."

Jamelia, what are you thinking?

I just think there's too many holes
in the story.

I just...

Oh!

I loved it, but, yeah,

there's just no chance
that it is true.

Or... or... I'm going to stop you
there. Oh!

One thing I will promise you is
that it might be true.

It's definitely... He's referring to
a shop he knows... Yes.

...where cheese could plausibly
be bought.

Yes. And he selected a footballer
who lives in that city.

Yeah. OK. There's plausibility
there.

But on the other hand,
he's surrounded that core

of plausibility with a lot of
nonsense.

The hands...

And then he says,
"Oh, no, that bit's not true."

Yeah. Maybe that's just decoration
around

the thing he's decorating...

Oh, so you think it's like...
...true or false?

That's actually quite a good tactic,
isn't it?

OK. What do you think?

Oh, brilliant. Um...

Lie. Why do you think it's a lie?

Because he's not making eye contact
with us.

I think it might be true. Oh.

And the bit I found most plausi...

But then, of course...

David, it is now time to decide.

True. True?

A lie. Come on...

True. We're going true.

One true, one lie.
We're going true. There we go.

And it'll be over soon.

You're saying it's true. OK.

Bob, was it true or was it a lie?

I was telling...

...the truth.

It's true. Bob did help a famous
footballer choose cheese.

Oh, that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team
has won by 3-1 points.

Well done.

Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.