19x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

APPLAUSE

Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show with tall tales
and tantalising truths.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

from Coronation Street to
the Post Office,

it's the wonderful
Julie Hesmondhalgh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And she's a DJ, a presenter,
a film-maker -

it's Yinka Bokinni.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,

will she be the last one laughing?

It's comedian Harriet Kemsley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And stand up for Strictly champion
Chris McCausland.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, to round one, Home Truths,

where our panellists read out
a statement

from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,

they've never seen the card before,

so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

Julie, you're first up tonight. OK.

I once put on two stone
in three months for an acting role,

only for the project
to get cancelled.

Oh. David?

What was the project?
What was the role?

So, it was a Channel 5 drama,
comedy drama,

called Fatty And Thinny.

LAUGHTER

It was very good, actually.
It was a very good script. Yes.

And the premise of it was...
I mean, it sounds good.

It sounds quite sophisticated.

The premise was a sort
of seaside-postcard kind of couple.

And so she was a sort of
like big lady,

and he was
a tiny, little skinny man.

What did you do to put
on the weight?

Well, it was amazing.

It was the most wonderful few weeks
of my life.

I just ate whatever I wanted
and I have an insatiable appetite.

Ice cream? Ice cream.

Bread? Doughnuts...
Bread. Bread.

Bread till it was coming out
my ears.

Are you learning your lines
at this stage?

Erm... She's eating them.

Whatever happened
to Fatty And Thinny?

Well, the project just went under,
as it sometimes does.

Chris McCausland, what do you think?

I'm inclined to believe this.

Because? Fatty And Thinny,
she came up with that quite quick.

Yes, she did come up with
Fatty And Thinny quite quickly,

but the card said she had
to put on weight for a role,

and what she came up
with quickly was the role of Fatty.

And in a sense, I mean,
I'm not saying it isn't impressive,

but I...but it's a believable
level of invention.

Yeah. I think it's a lie.
What do you think, Dave?

Well, I think it's a lie.
I must say, I love the way

that Chris just referred to you
as Dave.

Oh. Ohh.

CHRIS LAUGHS

Because you're not a Dave, are you?
I don't often get called Dave,

but I don't mind.
No, and we can see why. Now...

LAUGHTER

No, because, because you look...
Chris, if you could see me,

you'd never call me Dave.

Oh, no.

LAUGHTER

Because I've got the word
David tattooed over my face.

They think it's a lie.

Was it a lie
or were you telling the truth?

It's a lie.

It's a lie. Julie didn't put on
two stone for an acting role.

Chris, you're next.

OK. There you go. OK. Cheers.

On a recent visit to the Liverpool
team's training ground,

I went in goal
and saved a penalty from Mo Salah.

LAUGHTER

Do you know what?

It's more ludicrous
that YOU would do that, David.

We all know who Mo Salah is, right?
Yes. Yes. Right.

I don't.

Well, he's a footballer
for Liverpool,

a very good footballer
for Liverpool.

In fact, so good... Yeah.
..I would fancy his chances

of scoring
a penalty against anybody,

and Chris has saved it.

So, Chris, I know you want David
to carry on with this,

but you're going to have
to take over now.

So, what were you doing...
Was it at Anfield, did you say?

No, it was at the training.

They've got, like,
a charity foundation,

And, you know, obviously

being somebody from Liverpool,
a Liverpool fan,

I was invited along to do some work
with them.

So, how did you end up in goal?

Well, because obviously
it's funny, isn't it? You know?

And people at home might not
know this, but I'm a comedian.

Erm...

LAUGHTER

We just thought it'd be funny
if I was in goal

against literally
the best player in the world.

Did he give you a clue? I mean,

he hit one down the middle
and I stayed in the middle.

Did it hit you full-on in the face?
No, no, no, no.

I kind of put my hands up,
but I didn't move.

You had no clue he was
going to do that.

We did a few penalties. Oh.
What number penalty was this?

648.

Day seven.

He took five penalties.
One of them, I stayed in the middle

and, coincidentally,
he hit it down the middle

and I saved it.

And did he score the other four?

Of course he did.
He's Mo Salah!

LAUGHTER

If this is false, that is so funny.

You know when something's
so funny that you can't laugh.

LAUGHTER

That's what I tell myself
on some gigs.

So it's either true
or he's a really good comedian.

I think it's probably true.

Right. Lee, what are you going to say
as team captain?

I don't know. I'm torn here,

because he would definitely,
particularly post-Strictly,

be invited to the Liverpool
training. Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely. What bit about this
aren't you getting, though, Lee?

What's not selling it
for you?

The bit where you said that you
saved a penalty against Mo Salah.

LAUGHTER

Come on, then. Time to go
for your decision. True, true.

You think it's true. True.

Go on, we'll go true.

They're saying it's true.
Chris, was it true or was it a lie?

I don't know where my buzzer is.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait,
we've changed our minds!

That answer didn't count,
that answer didn't count!

It's a lie. Oh, my God.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Chris didn't save a penalty
from Mo Salah.

Harriet, you're next.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

I once broke up with someone

because he wouldn't
stop saying, "Get in!"

after accomplishing simple tasks.

Lee's team.

How long were you with him for?

Erm, three months.

When did you notice the "get in!"

When was the first
time you noticed it?

So, he screwed up, like,
some rubbish,

and then he threw it at
a rubbish bin,

and then he went, "Get in!"

And you obviously didn't pick
him up on this straight away,

you let it go?
No, at first I was like,

"Oh, that's endearing," you know?

Like, he just really
likes saying "get in". Right.

So, he said, "Get in,"
but it had already got in?

Sorry, why are you getting
involved? I'm just clarify...

LAUGHTER

He didn't say "get in", as it were,
to it to get in?

Well, it's not like golf where
you go, "Get in the hole."

It's...they do a thing,

get in, as in,
"Didn't I do well?"

It's very annoying, isn't it?

It's got in
and then he says, "Get in."

What? You don't
think it'd be more irritating to go,

"Went in."

Well, I don't know,
but it would make more sense.

Let me ask you, grammatically,

did he get it in
or did he got it in?

He got it in, but "did he got it in"
is not the right way of saying it.

Precisely, so get in
works very well.

I think we should get on with it.
Get in.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, Harriet, give us some other
examples

of things he would do
that would warrant a "get in".

Well, like, if he went outside

and it wasn't raining,
he'd go, like, "Get in!"

LAUGHTER

Wow.

Even though he's just got out?

Maybe it was a genuine, like,
a worry for your welfare

and he was just going, "Get in!"

He did say, like, "Get in."

Like, if you needed to get
in the car, he'd say, "Get in."

I mean, that's the thing
to finish with him for,

if you go to the car and he goes,
"Get in..."

..then you really need to finish
with him,

especially if he's just opened
the boot.

LAUGHTER

What was the final "get in"
that broke the camel's back?

It's a bit upsetting. He worried
that he'd had an accident.

Erm... You mean in his pants? Yeah.

And he checked
and he hadn't. He went, "Get in!"

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.
Why did you finish with him?

He sounds like a real catch.

Can I just say, Harriet,
this better be true,

cos if it's a lie,
what is wrong with you?

Talk about taking joy
from the small things in life.

"I haven't wet myself. Get in!"

No, I can't do this any more.
He did it in front of you?

Yes!

All right. It's like something
from Jane Austen.

LAUGHTER

But is it true, Julie?

Oh, yeah.
This sounds true to me.

Oh, it's traumatic.
I think he sounds nice.

He's, like, full of joie de vivre.
The thing is,

there'll be some wife sat
next to him on a sofa,

no idea, and then go...

LAUGHTER

I think it has to be true.

I just feel like you'd date someone
like that. Oh, God!

Two trues.

What are you going to say,
Lee? Oh, my God.

Anybody else, I'd have said no way
would you date a man like that.

Harriet,
she's dated a man who's looked

at his own underpants and said,
"Get in."

So you're saying it's true?
They think it's true, Harriet.

Is it true,
or is it just a lie?

It is...

..a lie.

Very well done.

Yes, it's a lie.

Harriet didn't break up with someone
who kept saying, "Get in."

Our next round
is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of
our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to
the guest.

It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this
week's special guest, Gillian.

APPLAUSE

So, Yinka, what is Gillian to you?

This is Gillian.

She once called into my radio show

to remind me
that I had a dental appointment.

Julie, how do you know Gillian?
This is Gillian.

When I was on Coronation Street,

she had to walk me to the canteen
hundreds of times

because I could never remember
the way.

Now, then, Lee,

what's your relationship
with Gillian?

This is my wellness guru, Gillian.

We once had a ding-dong

when she said
that I bonged her gong wrong.

So, there we have it. David's team,
where will you begin?

OK, so, Yinka,

explain how this happened about
the dentist appointment.

So, I used to do
the breakfast show on Capital Xtra.

Yeah. He knows that.

My number one listener over there,
Dave.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Gillian is the receptionist
at my dentist.

And, annoyingly,

my dental appointments
kept getting scheduled

while I was at work
and I had already missed two,

and she called up Capital Xtra
because she knows that I work there,

and my producer thought it would
be funny to put her live on air.

You're expecting callers?

Yeah, we were, like,

maybe laughing at,
let's just say, Stormzy's shoes.

She means Stormzy's,
the singer, shoes.

She doesn't mean stormsy shoes
like wellies, David. OK.

LAUGHTER

We said, "Hello, caller,
where are you calling from?

"What's your name?"

And then she was like, "It's Gillian
from your dentist's office.

"You've got a hygiene appointment."

LAUGHTER

And you were literally missing it
at that point?

Yeah. What sort of
a presenter are you?

Because we're all a bit different,
aren't we?

When you inevitably end up
on Classic FM... Thank you.

..you'll... No, no. Not you, Harriet.

LAUGHTER

I'm talking to Dave.

I asked David once

whether he listens
to music and he said...

AS DAVID: "Not really.
It's just something

"that happens around me,
like the weather."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right,
so you have the conversation.

Yeah. So I was like,
"Have I missed my appointment?"

And she was like,
"Yeah, it was at nine o'clock,"

and I was like,
"Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

"Can I rebook it?"
And then... And live on air?

This is on air. OK.

Why do you keep making appointments
for when you are on the radio? Yes.

Yes. I'm just really bad
at that sort of stuff.

When I was making that appointment,
I just said yes.

I was like, "Yep, that's fine,"

and I wasn't really considering
the time.

And then, unluckily, it was both
at a time you couldn't do,

and you never checked when it was.

And that happened twice.

So that very unlikely thing
happened twice.

It wasn't very unlikely.
It's just what happened.

LAUGHTER

It was very unlikely...
No. ..but not impossible.

I think one interesting thing is

Gillian hasn't opened
her mouth once.

You do know she's not meant to talk?

It would be a more weird look to
go...

Oh, she opened her mouth
for a second there.

But did you see teeth?
She's got great teeth.

But whether
or not she had teeth, I mean...

Oh, no, no,
that would be relevant.

I'm not sure
if it would be an acceptable reason

for officially denying employment,

but the dental practice might think
it was the wrong look.

CHRIS: There's a thing. Does Gillian
look like the kind of person

that would work in
a dental surgery, David?

She looks like the kind of person

that would have a ding-dong
if you bonged her gong wrong.

David,
who would you like to speak to?

We'll go with Julie next. OK.
Julie, just remind us. Yes.

So, this is Gillian
and when I was in Corrie,

she walked me to the canteen
hundreds of times

because I could
never remember my way there.

How far was the canteen from
the set?

Well, the set was in
a different building to the canteen,

so you'd have to leave
Coronation Street through a door,

down a series
of very labyrinthine corridors.

Do you have a bad sense
of direction?

A very, very bad sense of direction.

That was a wise answer
at that point,

because if you'd gone,
"No, I'm brilliant.

"Never have to show me twice,"

then we would've...
So I would say that's canny.

How long was you
on Coronation Street for?

16 years. When did you leave?
20...13.

So what was Gillian's role on
the show,

other than showing you
to lunch?

Gillian is a make-up artist.

When I first met her,
she was a trainee.

And then over my 16 years,

she worked her way through
the ranks.

So you first met her 16 years
from when you first began?

Yes. So 16 add 12 is...
WHISPERS: 28? Yeah.

28 minus her age.

Hang on. What?

LAUGHTER

What you're saying is,
if it's 16 years before 2013...

Is she started in 2013...
CHRIS: 1997.

..and then it's 16 years
before that,

then this lady
is older than she looks.

LAUGHTER

No, that's true.
She wasn't there for the whole time.

Can you remember
what year Gillian started?

Possibly 2001.
OK, so then we've got...

We've moved the one
and then it's 20...

So I think it's about...

Why are you moving the one?
I think it's simpler than you think.

24 years ago. 24 years ago.

So she's got...
She needs to be, what? At least 24.

Do you think she could've been...?

No, she wouldn't have to be 24.
She could be 20.

But then she's a baby. What?

No, not... Not 20 now!

If she was 20 now,
she'd be minus four then.

LAUGHTER

Surely when lunch is called... Yeah.
..on the Coronation Street set,

aren't lots of you going to lunch?

The thing is, is I had
a wig in Coronation Street, so...

No-one recognised you.

No, no, no, no.

So I would go to the make-up room
and take my wig off.

Just for lunch? Yeah.

No, no, she'd have a burger
for lunch. Not the wig.

And when I came out,

Gillian would be the one
intercepting me.

All right. Now, then,
what about Lee?

Yeah. No, that's not true.

LAUGHTER

Lee, remind us of your claim.

This is my wellness guru,
Gillian.

And we once got in a ding-dong when
she said I bonged her gong wrong.

Why do you consult a wellness guru?

Because this comes at a price.

LAUGHTER

What is the price?

The price is going regularly
to my wellness guru.

I want to know
why you consulted a wellness guru

and what the wellness guru did
for you.

Well, I've reached a certain age
where I thought,

"I'm going to start looking after
myself," because a few weeks ago,

as you know, I hit 40,
and I thought, it's...

Well, you know
what it's like, David,

you're two years older than me,

and it's time... I'm not.
..to look after yourself.

I'm not, by the way.
I know I look it

and seem it and everything,
but I'm younger, so there.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, so yes, I decided I was
going to start looking after myself,

taking care of myself.

What are you doing to take care
of yourself?

She does the oils, the grounding...
CHRIS: What's grounding, Lee?

Grounding is
when you take your shoes

and socks off
and you stand on the grass.

And now I describe it,
I am being conned, aren't I?

LAUGHTER

What oils are they?
Lavender is my favourite.

Erm... I like the...

Name one more oil.
I like the citrus one.

Citrus, and name one more.

Vegetable.

Are these solo lessons, Lee,
or are you...?

No, they're quite high up.

Erm, no, they're...

LAUGHTER

Are you in a group
of other desperate men?

No, there's about
40 people in the class,

but this particular class is called
the gong bath.

Is this like a sound bath? Correct.

Gillian's the gong banger... Yeah.
..and we are the clients.

And I've always wanted to bang
that gong,

because the gong is massive.

So what happened to cause
the ding-dong?

Because I said to her,

"Gillian, is there any possibility
that one week

"I could bang the gong?"

And Gillian said, "Why not?"
It was half an hour in,

everyone was
in a very meditative state,

and she gives me the nudge,
and I'm very precautious, aren't I?

So I... Precautious?

Precautious?
Do you mean just cautious?

I think so.

LAUGHTER

No, no. I was walking to her,

thinking, "I'd better be cautious
when I get there."

Yeah. I was pre-cautious.

APPLAUSE

And...

..when I got to her,
I was in full cautious mode now.

This was very much,
in the present tense, cautious.

So I've hit it.
Boom. I hit it perfectly.

Sweet spot, right in the middle.

She's happy
and I give it one of those.

Touch my hand on it, don't I?

So it's gone, "Dong!"

She's had a right ding-dong. Yeah.

But it was a whispered ding-dong,
because everyone was meditating.

Oh, right.
WHISPERS: "What are you doing?"

I said, "What are you doing?"

Sorry, she said,
"What are you doing?"

And you said,
"What are YOU doing?"

LAUGHTER

She's not doing anything.

She is. Oh, she is.
She's a wellness guru,

shouting at me in a whispered voice.

I'd say that's cause for,
"What are you doing?"

Oh, I see. "Idiot!" "What are
you doing calling me an idiot?

"We've people meditating,
we're trying to be spiritual.

"You're a guru!"

And how was it resolved?
When everyone went out,

she said, "I knew I shouldn't have
let you have a go."

And I said, "Well, you know,
you did,

"and you need to calm down a bit
if you're a spiritual guru."

She said, "I'm not,
I'm a wellness guru."

I said, "Yeah, sorry, I forgot
what I read out,"

and...

..she ended up
getting me by my feet,

swinging me around
and using my head against the gong.

LAUGHTER

All right. We need an answer.

Is Gillian Yinka's phone-in friend,

Julie's canteen companion,

or Lee's peeved pal?

I mean, what do you think
about Lee's story?

I think Lee's...
That's the most recent one, so...

It has all the makings of a story,

in that it has words.

Erm...

LAUGHTER

Apart from that,
I don't know if he is well.

What?

Wow.

I mean,
I can take it from anybody else.

Of the other two,
what are we thinking?

I think Yinka is more believable
as a thing that happened than Julie.

Yeah. I just think you'd learn
the way, wouldn't you?

Or you'd start taking a sandwich.

Why does she keep making
appointments

for the same time
as she's on live radio?

Yeah, but, I mean... To the point
where the receptionist has become

so infuriated, she's rung in
and told her live on air.

She's only stood there now

to tell her she's got
an appointment this evening.

LAUGHTER

What do you think?
I don't know if she has teeth.

Because I haven't seen them.

Who do you think is telling
the truth?

Oh, I don't know about that.

I'm going to give you a minute.
Chris, you think it's Yinka?

Is that right?
Well, do you know what?

There was about two thirds of
the way through Lee's,

where I was thinking,

"I can't believe I'm believing
Lee here."

The gong wash thing is a thing.

He's coming up
with words like he means them. Yeah.

I can't bring myself to say that
I think it's Lee.

But do you think it's Lee? Just...

Just nod if you think it's Lee.

OK.

APPLAUSE

Chris thinks it's Lee. Yeah.
So this is unprecedented territory.

Well, now I'm wondering
if it is Lee.

OK, well, we'll go Lee.

Serious? No, I wouldn't...

What do you mean,
are you serious?!

You said you thought it was Lee!

I'm agreeing with you!

Could they all know the same woman?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We're going to say it's Lee.
You're saying it's Lee. Yeah.

OK, Gillian, would you please
reveal your true...

She's got teeth!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm Gillian,

and I used to escort Julie to
and from the Corrie canteen.

Yes, Gillian is Julie's canteen
companion.

Thank you very much, Gillian.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round,
Quick-Fire Lies.

We start with...

It's David.

Recently, at mealtimes,

I've been getting more
pleasure than I should

from pretending
to have finished my pudding.

Then, when Victoria finishes hers,

I can reveal I still have a lot
of mine left.

Lee's team.

The last time you did this,
what was the pudding?

It was rice pudding, actually.

How are you hiding
the rice pudding?

We quite often have
dinner watching telly... Yeah.

..and I just put it on the table
next to me.

It's obscured by a bit of the sofa.
Right.

Let's imagine, David, for a second,
that Harriet is Victoria.

OK. Show me how you pull the wool
over her eyes.

We actually sit the other way round.
All right, go on, then.

Let's make it real.
OK, so I'll be you and you be...

No, no, Harriet, Harriet...

That'd be of no use to us whatsoever.
Yeah, don't do that. OK.

Just change seats.

Change seats, OK.
We should change seats. Yes.

Change seats, because it'll be
easier for me to,

you know, make it up.

I mean, remember it. Don't make
her take the long way round!

Yes, you go through there. Just...
What are you doing?

LAUGHTER

This is a much better
option than having to pretend

that I'm Victoria, David.

OK. So there you are. Yeah.
Now, what are you having tonight?

I've never sat here in 19 years.

Ha-ha!
I'm the leader now. Yeah.

What are you having?

First of all, the pudding.
What's on the telly?

Let's say on the telly
it's, like, something with a m*rder,

like... Morse. Or Poirot.
Love a Poirot.

You watch a Poirot

and the money they've got just
for period vehicles,

it's amazing.

LAUGHTER

Anyway,

I'm going to say
what we're having is,

like, cheesecake-y things,

but it's in a kind of ramekin...
Of course.

..that's useful.
Pudding every night?

CHUCKLING: No!

No, two puddings, most nights.

But this is a one-pudding night.
OK.

I've had, let's say,
60% of the pudding.

You'd be eating yours as well,
please.

Thank you.
And then I've just,

watching the Poirot,

I just pop it on the table there.

There's a lamp there as well.

So, Victoria - Harriet...
Yes. ..you've finished yours now.

Mm, oh, lovely. Scraped it.
There we are.

So nice
we finished together.

And then you gaze across...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ohh.

Victoria has never said that.

Oh, David. I'm sorry.
This is... This isn't nice. Oh.

LAUGHTER

Now, then,

at what point do you reach across
and play your joker?

I just go...

Bring it back. What?! I know.

Cos it's a law of economics,
isn't it?

I wait for an economic
environment of greater scarcity

of a certain commodity,
and therefore its value is elevated.

So what I'm eating

is by definition better than
what was eaten earlier. Yes.

And is this what you say to her
in the moment?

I know you just gave us, like,
a real fiscal breakdown,

but why...? Thank you.
And I am having one as well.

LAUGHTER

Can I just say, if this is true,
you've got to stop.

It's quite hurtful.

I feel sad that you did this,
and I'm not even your wife.

She says it's funny.

She says it shows
what a character I am.

All right. The roleplay is over.
OK. Return to your seats. Please.

And a round of applause
for some lovely performance there.

Now, Julie.
Julie, what are you thinking?

Is it the sort of thing he would do?
I totally buy it.

You believe it? I think that's fun.

What are you thinking, Yinka?

Yeah, you strike me as the kind
of guy who does that sort of stuff.

LAUGHTER

So I'll go with my team

and say it's true, then.
OK. They think it's true.

David, was it true or was it a lie?

It was, in fact...

..a lie. Oh, no.

We were terrible!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.
David hasn't been playing

with his pudding.

KLAXON

And that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team
has won

by four points to one.

Oh, yes. That's us.
Sorry, Lee. It's all right.

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.