18x11 - The Best Bits

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, and welcome
to a special edition

of the very best bits from series 18
of Would I Lie To You?

Joining Lee Mack tonight,
Harry Hill, Jill Scott, Cush Jumbo,

Legend, Tim Vine, Nabil Abdulrashid,
and Kadeena Cox.

And joining David Mitchell tonight,
Judi Love, Stacey Solomon,

Sir Grayson Perry, Harriet Kemsley,
Rosie Ramsey, Kojey Radical,

and Josh Jones.

First up, it's Harry.

When I was a doctor, I accidentally
sent two patients for procedures

they didn't need because I'd got
their forms mixed up.

Oh, so each other's form?

The test that they needed, I put the
wrong one on the wrong person.

That's what I thought.

Because in fact, you've rather
understated your crime.

Because not only did you give
them tests...

Crime is a very strong word.

Let's, OK, let's... I'll commute
that to

act of gross professional
misconduct.

Yes, please.

It was a very different
time, David.

How long ago was this?

Well, I wasn't a doctor for long.

No.

Probably for the best.

What kind of doctor were you?

I was a junior doctor.

I would get patients ready for the
operation, and I would assist

the surgeon with the operation.

What tests were they?

There were two patients, and one
required an X-ray of their neck.

Right.

And then the other one required
a barium enema.

A what?

What's a barium enema?

So, that is where you squirt
a radiopaque dye into the...

...an*s, I'll say the word.

Were you like this as a doctor? I'll
say the word - an*s!

I've said it!

One of them had a barium enema
they didn't need, but also

didn't have the neck X-ray
they did need.

I then had to, sort of, correct
that.

So, they ended up having two
tests each instead of one.

Well, hold on.

Someone went in, right, for a neck
X-ray and happily laid

down and had an enema?!

Just because it said it on the
sheet.

That is a hell of a blockage.

I never used the word happily.

But how did they not question that?
Did they not say...?

Well, they wouldn't have understood
a technical phrase like neck X-ray.

They'd have no idea what that means.

The lady who required the neck
X-ray and got the barium enema said
to me,

she was impressed at how thorough
I'd been.

Yeah.

Did it help, these extra tests?

Did you find anything up this lady's
bum, or this man's neck

that could have saved them in the
future?

No, fortunately, those were
normal... they were normal tests.

The neck lady had a perfectly
healthy bottom, and bottom guy's

neck was A-OK.

Did you at any stage come clean
to these patient A and patient B?

Of course not.

All right, what are you thinking,
then, Kojey?

That's impossible, man. I can't go
for a neck X-ray and get

something in my bum-bum.

Crazy.

Stacey? I couldn't tell you what
it was like in those days.

No, exactly, exactly.

Exactly, Stacey, it was a different
time, it was a different time.

What year?
This would have been 1988.

What was it like then?

Well, I mean, it was a different
time, you know?

But, yes, I think doctors
carry a lot of authority.

Yeah, and who do you complain to?

You know, how difficult it is to get
to see a doctor at all.

Yeah, and they won't want to see
you again if you just complain.

You don't want to be known as a pain
in the a*s or a pain in the neck.

All right, so what are we...

What are we going to say, David?

I think it could have happened.
Really? But equally...

Yeah. Why?

God, well, honestly, I fear for
people who grew up in that time.

Well, if you two are both convinced
it's a lie, I won't overrule

you because it definitely
might be a lie.

All right, then. So, Harry, was it
true or was it a lie?

It was...

Yes, it's true.

Harry did send two patients
to procedures they didn't need.

Matt, you're next.

CLEARS THROAT
OK.

Sorry, that's just my ritual.

I'm just trying to build...

I'm trying to build the
anticipation.

Whenever I eat a banana, I eat
everything,

including the skin.

David's team.
Oh, that's a good one.

So, why do you do that?

A number of reasons.
Firstly, easier.

How much time do you spend peeling
a banana, would you say, on average?

I'm literally saving hours of
time a year.

While you morons are peeling
bananas, I'm out.

I take your point. So, that's reason
one. It's a time saver?

Reason one. OK.

Reason two, there are so many health
benefits to eating a banana skin.

Like what?

Skin, skin health.

Ah, and also afterwards, you don't
slip on it.

So, banana skins are good
for human skin?

There's all kinds of nutrients,
fibre, loads of good stuff in there.

Which end do you prefer?

The non stalk-end, obviously.

The classic chat up line
of Rob Brydon, ladies and gentlemen.

You'll have to excuse my friend,
he's not been speed dating before.

So, you've used this, then,
as part of your regime.

This is part of how you've got
a better body than Lee.

Better for what, though?

I mean, try joining a darts team
looking like that, mate.

No chance.

Can I ask you, sir, were you doing
press-ups and bicep-curls literally

seconds before you came out here,
or is that you in a relaxed state?

I'm just a very vascular guy, yeah.
No, this is me in a relaxed state.

Vascular? Nice.

It's a strong look.

Thanks, mate.

Are you flirting, Rob?
A little bit.

Cos it's working, it is working.

What have you eaten today?

So, Rob, let's start with breakfast.

Cornflakes and the box.

I had a protein shake comprising
of two scoops of protein.

Protein, like, from a lab?
Or protein...

It's a whey protein,
it's a powdered form.

So, you have a whey protein-based
shake for, for...

Does this pertain to the banana skin
consuming?

I'm thinking we're going way off.

We want an overall picture, and I'll
thank you just to answer our

questions and not question it.

It's your first time on the show,
Matt. Sorry, that's my bad.

You're very sure of yourself,
but you'll play the game our way

or no way at all.

No whey-based protein at all.

Ah, you see, that's the sort
of stuff we do.

So... Hang on, and me. You just
pointed at you two.

Can I be in the g*ng as well?

I want to know how it comes
out the other end.

You don't think it comes back
together as a whole banana, do you?

You must give it a good chew,
I imagine.

Yes, although over time, my, uh,
swallowing mechanism has developed

to allow me to swallow bigger
chunks of bananas.

Me too, me too.

It's time to take a guess.
Truth or lie?

What do you think? I think it's
true.

Ah... You think it's a lie?

Who's eating a banana with
the skin on? Him.

True.

You're thinking it's true? OK, Matt,
was it true or was it a lie?

You'll be glad to know,
David, that it was, in fact...

Oh! Sorry. Don't worry.

Yes, it's a lie.
Matt does not eat banana skins.

Judy?

As a schoolgirl, I got a free
can of coke every day

from my newsagent in exchange
for keeping quiet about his affair.

Lee's team?

How old were you?
I was 12.

And this happened for how long?

Maybe for about a year or so.

How did you know about the affair?

Uh, because I walked in on them.

What were they doing?

Something that they shouldn't
have been doing.

Bit of a pick and mix?

Well, he was picking
and she was mixing.

What did you see them doing?

They were making... getting
amorous, were they?

Gosh, right, so, went in, and the
door,

because it was a post office
as well,

was open and because we know him,
I peeped round and somebody

was on their knees.
Oh, God.

Had they dropped a contact lens?

Yeah, yeah.

Or they were simply praying
for forgiveness.

Yes.

That's not how you lick a stamp!

He went "AHHH!" and they all kind
of, like, made noise.

And I kind of -

"I was just checking if you was all
right, sir, I was just checking

"if you was all right!"
What did he say?

And he was like...
"Oh, yeah, I'm fine."

Yeah.

Did you know who she was?

Yes. She was a member of the local
community?

She definitely was part
of the community.

Was she married?
Yes.

So they were both married?
Yeah.

Not to each other? No.

At what point did you have
the actual deal where you said,

"I need to be paid with cola?"

Right, so I didn't go in for a
couple of days, but back

in those days, they had,

do you remember the jelly sweets
that was a watch?

Oh, yeah. Yes.
I loved those sweets,

and that was the only one
that ever did it.

So, after two days, I was like,
you know what?

I'm going back in there.

And then he was like, "Oh, no, take
some more, you can have some more."

And I was like, "Hmm, you never
give anything for free."

So I said, "Can I have a cola
as well?"

And he was like, OK.

And I was like, OK, and then...

So at no stage did he say to you,
don't tell anyone.

It was all just done with looks and
stuff?

I went back again, he gave me more
sweets. I said, "Can I get a cola?"

And once I realised he was going to

give it to me every time I went
in... You realised you were... Yeah.

So, in a way, by you talking
about this on national television,

you've reneged on the deal.

Well, I haven't said their name,
and I haven't said where I lived

at the time.

Where did you live at the time?

How long did the fizzy drink
deal go on for?

Oh, that went on for time
until...

I'd definitely say at least...

Last week?

Still getting them delivered to my
house now!

What do you think, Tim?

I don't mean in general,
I mean about this.

Yes.

I think it's true,
because your description of the sort

of looks, backwards and forwards,
and it just, it rings true to me.

I'll go with whatever you think.
I'm not sure.

Are you 51% even, towards one or the
other?

Oh, I see what you mean.
You don't have to be sure, but...

Is that part of the game,
or do you just not want to decide?

I don't like deciding
because I like someone to blame.

OK. There's no right and wrong
answers.

Well, I mean, yeah, there are.

I'm going to say true.
True.

OK, we'll say true.

They're saying true. Judy, it was a
while ago, it was shocking,

but was it true?

It definitely was...

It's a lie.

Judy wasn't bribed by her newsagent.

Jill, you're next.

OK, here you all go.

I was sick into the FA Cup.

David's team.

Were you?!

For the love of God, say yes.

I actually was.

That's a very good follow up
question.

What circumstances?

So, basically, we just won
the FA Cup, and then people do

that thing where they pour
the champagne into the FA Cup.

Who is we, Jill?
Manchester City.

Manchester City, right.
Yeah, Manchester City.

I take a sip of this champagne
stuff, and I brought it back

up into the FA Cup.

Did they sing a song, like,

♪ We like to drink with Jill

♪ Cos Jill is our mate

♪ And when we drink with Jill,
she downs her drink in

♪ Eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one! ♪

ALL: Yay!

And then the...
Yeah, and then I was sick, yeah.

Are we the only two that go out?

Yeah, I've never heard that song.

That's also new to me.

I've never heard that in my life.

Well, you know what the worst
thing was?

The person who got the second swig?

No, that is it.
I didn't tell the girls. Oh!

You never told the girls?

I know, because then, they were
passing it around.

This wasn't a full vomit?

This was more like a short
term regurgitation?

Yeah, but I was a bit sick.

Did it go down the wrong hole?

No, it definitely went down the
right hole.

I think the part that makes me
suspicious is, I believe that Jill

is a really nice person
and she'd be like,

"Oh, I've just puked in that."

Is that your definition
of a nice person?

What do you reckon, Kojey?

I reckon you did it.

It's like the end of EastEnders.

I think lie.

You think lie?

So, it's up to me.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I reckon that's true.

Jill, was it true?

They think it was, or was it a lie?

So it was...

Good work.

Yes, it was a lie.

Jill wasn't sick into the FA Cup.

It's Nabil.

I once climbed into a crocodile
enclosure because I wanted to get

a closer look.

David's team.

When did you do this? And where
did you do this?

When I was little in Nigeria, it was
a crocodile themed restaurant.

Was crocodile on the menu?

I think so, yeah. I can't remember.

It's the restaurant's gimmick
that there's a crocodile enclosure

with real crocodiles, and you can
watch the crocodiles as you dine?

Yes. On crocodiles!

How easy was it to get into
the crocodile...?

I mean, at that time in Nigeria,
we didn't have, um,

health and safety.

We had the concept of common sense.

So, for example, if there was like,
a street next to a river,

there wasn't a fence and a sign
saying,

"caution river next to street".

Because the Nigerian philosophy
is that if you can see the sign,

you can probably see the river.

I hopped over the fence
because I wanted to look at them,

because I just thought they were
cute and friendly and stuff,

and I got close to one
and they just, like, came at me.

And luckily for me, I didn't know,

I just found out by accident,
but they're fast running

in a straight line,

but if you take a corner, it's hard
for them to kind of like...

Yes, you're meant to run away
from crocodiles in zig-zags!

Yeah, I've heard that as well.
I didn't know that at the time.

I was running straight,
but he was gaining on me.

I was running, and then I just,
like, took a corner

and hopped the fence.

And what sort of state were you in?

What do you think?
Well, tell us.

Have you been chased by
an animal before? Anybody? Yeah.

I've been attacked by a crocodile.

Yeah, there you go. When were you
attacked by a crocodile?

We were in a Louisiana swamp,

we were rescuing crocodiles.

Will they not have been alligators?
Alligators.

Well, I don't want to hear about it
then, it's totally irrelevant.

I got chased by an ostrich as well.

No way.

Yeah, in a police officer's house.

He's quite a well-to-do
police officer.

OK. Because they take bribes! No...

He had a lot of exotic stuff
in his house,

and one of the things
he had was an ostrich.

I got too close to one,
and I was laughing at it

because it was doing, I think,

I don't know whether it was a mating
dance or a challenge, like...

I kind of ended up doing
the dance back.

And that probably wasn't
a good idea.

And it chased you?
Yes.

Sorry, who did you say you was with?
Who was looking after you?

On which occasion? The policeman's
house and the ostrich,

or the restaurant and the
crocodile?

I mean, I'd like to know
both, really?

So, my parents practice free-range
parenting.

Although, that being said,
I was more scared of my mum

than I was of the crocodile.

So, what are you going to say?

What are you thinking, Lucy?

I think it's true. I was listening
to it like it was a real story.

I forgot actually,
we were playing a game.

Fran?

I think it's true because you
haven't embellished it any further,

you've kept with the story.

He has, in the sense that he's added
an extra story of being chased

by an ostrich.

Maybe he jumped to that truth story
because he needed a break

from telling a lie.

Yes, exactly.

Then, why didn't he tell the show's
researchers about being chased

by an ostrich?

That would have been equally
interesting, particularly

at the huge private zoo
of a corrupt police officer.

What are you going to say?
I do not know.

You have to make a decision, David.
True.

You're saying that it's true.

Nabil, was that true or was that a
lie?

It's not true, it's not true.

Which one is it?

It's too late, but I sense now it's
not true, I have that feeling.

It's not too late.

You can change if you want to?

Oh... His reaction! Go on, then.

You had a feeling then.

It was a smile, the way he was
smiling.

He was smiling like "I've got him!"

I don't know if it's true or a lie,
but if you now get this right

because he's gone "I want to change
my mind", I'll be livid.

OK, I'm going... ah!
Lie, lie, lie.

You're saying it's a lie?
I think so.

Nabil, was it a lie or was it true?

It's...

No!

Good work, sir.

It's true, Nabil did climb into a
crocodile enclosure.

Harriet, you're next.

LAUGHTER

Once, while camping, I lost my tent,
then took desperate measures

to find somewhere else to stay.

Right. Lee's team.
Define "desperate measures".

h*-h*!

That was said like
a lawyer in an LA movie.

LAUGHTER

Where are we, Harriet? Newquay.

Newquay. Oh, in lovely Cornwall.
When was this?

It was when I was 17, which is...

Is it written up there?

So the 2000... Early 2000s.

Right. So you're in a campsite.
Who are you with?

Two girls. What are they called?

Their names were Sam and Susan.

How many tents have you got?

One tent. Between the three of you?

Yes. Is it a three-woman tent?

No. Two-man. Come on.

#EverydaySexism.

So it's a two-man tent?

Yes. But you were trying to
squash in?

Yes. Right.

We went to put it up,
and then we realised

we didn't know how to put up a tent.

So then we went to go get some food
to have energy to make the tent.

But then... Well, then, you weren't
lacking in energy,

you were lacking in knowledge!

Then I came... We came back.

Yes. But then the tent was gone.

So now we had nowhere to stay
because we didn't have any

money as well... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean you've got no
money? You're on holiday.

Well, no, because we were only
going for, like, one night.

And then we saw a sign.
And it said?

"Bikini Beach Babe competition."

The prize was £100,

and so Susan said... Sorry, hang on,
can I just check something? Yes.

Did this happen or did you watch
a Carry On film?

So you've now decided this is
your way to get some money. Yes.

Then the guy came out and then
he was like,

"There's only one other entrant."

So our odds were... What a charmer
he was! What a charmer!

"You might win this because there's
only one other girl in it."

Then we go in and we're a bit
nervous,

but then we meet the other
entrant...

She's a professional.

A professional what?

She could be a lady of the night.
She could be a plumber.

What is she a professional at?

She's a professional beach babe.

We're not even semi-professional.

But our odds are good because
there's three of us...

There's three of you and one of her.

So, it's about to begin.

There's a crowd of men,
and they're all...

LAUGHTER

They're all cheering.
Is it just men?

It's just men. Oh... Yes.

What were the men...
What were the look on their face?

See David's look on his face then?

Is it that sort of look?

No. That's panic.

And that was MY look.
That was what I had.

Sheer panic, yes.
Could you teach David to...

...to give the face of the look
that the men were giving?

Like...

SHE GROWLS
Like...

So, David, give it... Yes!

I'm getting flashbacks.
I'm getting flashbacks.

Did you do a catwalk type thing?

Yeah, yeah, a little bit of catwalk.

Yeah, a little catwalk.

Um, but the professional,
she had a chair.

Oh, like Flashdance.
She brought her own chair. Yeah.

A dancing... A chair to dance...
Not...

She didn't just sit there and say,

"I'm a professional, I haven't got
time for this.

"I'll just... I'll sit there.
Judge me.

"100 quid. I'm off.

"It's Penzance tomorrow."

LAUGHTER

Can we ask now who won?

Well... The professional?
The professional, yes. OK.

Then we had to find somewhere
to stay.

But we didn't have a tent, so...

So in many ways, the situation
is unchanged.

So then a guy came.

He was like, "Oh, you can stay
in my van."

Oh, my God.

Then we slept for a bit.

So why didn't you sleep in your car?

Yes. LEE: Good question.

It was more... There was more space
than... I had a Renault Clio.

And so we could have a proper sleep.
Right. Yeah.

So has it finished or did
anything else happen?

Then we had a lovely day
in Newquay and then I drove back.

And that's it?

Yeah. On the way back...

...I was driving and then I was like,

"Oh, that's cr... There's a stag in
the road!"

And then Susan said,
"I can't see a stag."

And I'd imagined a stag.

Whoa, what... what do you mean?
And I can't...

I don't think in the history of
this show

has an added bit ever been
more worthless.

"Oh, and one more thing!

"I thought I saw a stag,
but I didn't."

So what do we think?
"You can have that as a bonus."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, Kadeena, what do
you make of it?

I think it's a lie.
You're not having it? No.

What about you, Ivo?

I've had a lovely time.

But I think it's a lie.

Lee Mack?

To have invented a story
like that... Yeah.

...would require genius...

...so I think it's true.

But I'm all about democracy,
so I will go with my team.

OK. They think it's a lie,
Harriet. Was it? Or was it true?

It is...

...true.

It's true! Harriet did take

desperate measures when she lost her
tent.

It's Tim.

Aside from Mr McKee, who taught PE,

three other teachers at my school
taught subjects that rhymed

with their surnames.

David's team.

OK, so Mr McKee taught PE.

Yes. Who else?

Er, Mr...
LEE COUGHS

Carry on. I'm genuinely
having a coughing fit.

Mr Kaths... Are you ready?

OK, I'm better now. Thank you.
Carry on, Tim.

Mr Kaths... Oh, good God.

Good God.

If you say "Mr Meography",
forget it.

Mr Kaths...

Mr Mesign-and-Technology.

LAUGHTER

Mr Kaths. K-A-T-H-S.

Mr Kaths. Yeah.

And Mr Hench. French.

Mr Hench, Mr Kaths and who else?
Who's Hench?

It was a little bit tenuous,
the third one.

It was a bit of a joke amongst us.

So it was Mr Haught taught sport.

You got PE and sports?

Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.

Well, PE was something that
happened in lesson time

and then sports was something
that we did, obviously,

round about four o'clock.
But what did Mr Haught teach?

It might have been what was
called loosely, then, science,

so it would have been, you know...

Surely that was Mr Brience. No.

Did you have any at your school,
Lee, whose...?

Er, just the headmaster, Mr Morstal.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, what do you think, Judi?

I don't know, he's always got
this face that makes you feel

like he's telling the truth.

Like, just the most simplest things
and you'll be, like...

He's got a simple face, I agree.

DAVID: What we've got to imagine,
it's not true,

and what Tim has had to do is turn
over the card and quickly-ish

make up three rhyming
names of teachers.

Do we believe he could have
come up with that? Yes.

Yes. Yes, he's a very quick person.

Yeah. What would you
have come up with?

Give me four teachers whose names
at your school rhymed with subject.

Go. Mr Starmer.

He teaches drama. He did drama.

Mrs Panish.

Oh, yeah. Mr...
LAUGHTER

Mr Bleak taught Greek. Yeah.

Mr Grat-ahn taught Lat-ahn. Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is fun, isn't it?

Yeah, let's just do this!

Yeah, yeah.

So what's it going to be, David?

Just one more question, Tim.

Can you name a teacher
whose name DIDN'T rhyme

with the subject they taught? Ah!

Er, yeah, Mr... Schwartz,
and he was...

He could have done sports!

No, Sch...
LAUGHTER

Do you know, we'd have taken
Schwartz and sports.

Come on, it's time to decide.

Lie. Lie. Lie.
LAUGHTER

All right, Tim,
they think it's a lie.

Was it, or was that the truth?

Er, it was actually...

...a lie.

It's a lie. They were not
the names of Tim's teachers.

Well, that's all we have time for
on this special edition

of Would I Lie To You?

Thanks very much for watching.
Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE