18x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

Welcome to Would I Lie To You? -
the show in which it pays

to be economical with the truth.

On Lee Mack's team tonight, a stand
up comic who is back for more -

it's Shazia Mirza.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And from Gladiators,
it's Matt Morsia, aka "Legend".

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's team
tonight,

joining us for his first
time, it's comedian Josh Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an award winning podcaster
and TV presenter -

it's Rosie Ramsey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with round one,
"Home Truths", where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never
seen the card before,

they've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

First up, it's Josh.

I once jumped in a canal
because a goose honked at me.

LAUGHTER

Lee's team.

What was the goose driving?

So, I'm scared of geese, right?

And I'm walking down the canal
in Manchester.

There was a brick wall on one side
of me, so I was trapped

because there was a wall and the
water, and one goose was asleep.

So, I, like, sneaked past it.

And then this other goose came
in the middle and, like, quacked.

HE QUACKS

So... and I don't speak goose but it
sounded not like a compliment.

So then, I went to turn around,
and then the other goose was awake.

Oh, no. I panicked and jumped
in the water. Classic goose.

What? You jumped in?

Yeah, I jumped in - pencil dive.

Not knowing how deep
it's going to be?

I know those waters quite well

because I used to go canoeing

on the canals in Manchester
when I was a kid.

In what circumstances were
you canoeing?

Oh, so every Sunday,
I used to be in a canoeing club.

Cos they wanted to
try and keep kids out of gangs.

I... Well, it was on a Sunday
morning at 9:00, which doesn't feel

like a big g*ng time to me,
but that's what it was!

How deep was it?
Did you touch the bottom?

It was about hip height.

Doing a pencil dive is quite
a penetrative dive.

Did you go straight to the bottom?

Oh, no. But I bent my knees,
you know, and...

So not strictly a pencil dive, then?

Well, by the time I landed,
it were pencil.

That sounds like quite a controlled
manoeuvre rather than a man

in a state of panic...

You're not the only athlete here!

You jumped in. Yes.
What was the immediate aftermath?

Well, I kind of just stood
there for about, I'm going to say...

You stood in the... you stood
in the canal?

Yeah, for, like, a solid 90 seconds

just, kind of, looked at the goose.

The goose just started to look
really confused.

Which goose?

The aggressive one.
That was the one close to me.

Oh, it was good-goose, bad-goose?

Yeah.

I think it's like bad-goose,
apathetic-goose.

Yeah, and then I just stood
out of the water,

walked past the goose,

and I remember saying out
loud to myself -

"I think you might have
overreacted there, Josh."

You got out of the water
and you walked past the goose?

Yeah, cos... Surely, you go past the
goose, then get out of the water.

Otherwise, you've just jumped in

and then got back straight
to where you were.

No, yeah, the whole story was
pointless.

What happened was...

...I jumped in the water, realised
the goose was kind of chilled

by this point, and then just
thought,

"I'm going to risk it".

What colour was the goose?

Like, brown.

Black and brown? With a black head.

I think that's the Canadian
goose, isn't it?

Well, it might have been
on holiday in Manchester

cos it were there - with me!

The other side of the canal,

was that not an option to continue
through the canal to the other side?

No, it were people's gardens.

And it was already getting
weird enough,

I didn't want to go in, Doris is
there having a cup of tea.

"What are you doing?"
"I'm running from a goose!"

I mean, that's not going to make my
community look very good, is it?

We're already seen
as being dramatic, so I just...

All right, let's take a guess.
Shazia?

I think it's a lie.

It's just too outrageous.

I think it's true.

You strike me as the kind of guy
that would do exactly that.

So, I think...

I can literally... I can literally
picture him doing it.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm about 70% sure it's true.



How sure are you that it's a lie,
as a percentage?



That's how it works!

That's how we started.

Yes, 50%! It was 50/50
before we started all this.

And you've go, "Oh, that's
definitely, definitely still 50%."

Right, what's it going to be, Lee?

I've been persuaded
by you that it's a lie.

How has that persuaded you?
Oh, don't be persuaded by me.

Not you, I mean that spiel,
not... I don't mean that.

I mean, like, the things you said.

How was that series of...
Don't say it again.

Don't keep saying it.

...series of things that she said,
how has that persuaded you?

Because I think she was
very good in her argument,

just not great at her maths.

I'm going to go with Matt.
All right, I'll say it's true

if Matt... I think it's a lie,
but you two think it's true.

That is weak leadership,
you said lie.

I'M A WEAK MAN!

I am a very weak man.

There's a reason I didn't pass
the test for Gladiators.

Cos they went, "Gladiators, ready?"
And I went, "Not really."

Lee, mate, come on, let's go
with it. You initially said lie.

We're saying it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie? Yes.

OK, Josh, was it a lie or was it
the truth?

It's...

Yes, it's true, Josh did jump in
a canal because of a goose.

Matt, you're next.

CLEARS THROAT
OK.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Sorry, that's just my ritual

I'm just trying to build... I'm
trying to build the anticipation.

Whenever I eat a banana,
I eat everything.

Including the skin.

David's team.
Oh, that's a good one.

Erm, so, why do you do that?

A number of reasons.

Firstly, easier.

How much time do you spend peeling
a banana, would you say, on average?

I'm literally saving
hours of time a year.

While you morons are peeling
bananas - I'm out.

I take your point. So, that's reason
one. It's a time saver.

Reason one. OK. Reason two, there
are so many health benefits

to eating a banana skin.
ROSIE: Like what?

Skin. Skin health.

Ah, and also, afterwards,
you don't slip on it.

So, banana skins are good
for human skin?

There's all kinds of nutrients,
fibre, loads of good stuff in there.

Which end do you prefer?

The non-stalk end, obviously.

The classic chat-up line
of Rob Brydon, ladies and gentlemen.

You'll have to excuse my friend,
he's not been speed dating before.

So, you've used this, then,
as part of your regime? Yes.

This is part of how you've got
a better body than Lee.

Better for what, though?

I mean, try joining a darts team
looking like that, mate.

No chance.

Can I ask you, as well, were you
doing press ups and bicep curls

literally seconds before
you came out here,

or is that you in a relaxed state?

I'm just a very vascular guy, yeah.

No, this is me in a relaxed state.

Vascular? Nice.

It's a strong look.

Thanks, mate.

Are you flirting, Rob?
A little bit.

Cos it's worked, yeah, it is
working, Rob.

What have you eaten today?

Er, so, Rob, let's start
at breakfast, erm...

Cornflakes and the box.

I had a protein shake comprising
of two scoops of protein.

Protein, like, from a lab
or protein...?

It's a whey protein.
It's a powdered form.

So, you have a whey protein-based
shake for...

Does this pertain to the banana
skin consuming?

I'm thinking we're going way off.
We want an overall picture,

and I'll thank you just to answer
our questions and not question them.

It's your first time on the show,
Matt. Sorry, that's my bad.

You're very sure of yourself.

But, you'll play the game our way
or no way at all. Sorry, sorry.

No whey based protein at all.

You see, that's the sort of stuff
we do.

So... Hang on, and me, you just
pointed at you two.

Can I be in the g*ng
as well?

I want to know how it comes
out the other end.

You don't think it comes
back together as a whole banana?

Ooh!

You must give it a good chew,
I imagine?

Yes, although over time,

my, er, swallowing mechanism has
developed

to allow me to swallow bigger
chunks of bananas.

ROSIE: Me, too. Me, too.

AUDIENCE LAUGH

It's time to take a guess.
Truth or lie?

What do you think?

I think it's true.

You think it's a lie?

Who's eating a banana with
the skin on? Him.

True.

You're thinking it's true? OK.

Matt, was it true
or was it a lie?

You'll be glad to know,
David, that it was, in fact...

Argh!

I'm sorry. Don't worry.

Yes, it's a lie,
Matt does not eat banana skins.

Shazia, you're next.

I once got into big trouble
at work after my boss saw

what I was doing on CCTV.

David's team.

Right, where were you working?

It was a food shop.

JOSH: A supermarket?

No, it was a... er, restaurant.

OK, in a sense, a restaurant
is a food shop, yes,

but in another sense, it isn't.

Well, there's food involved.

I was selling food there,
like ice creams and stuff.

It was an ice cream shop?

No, it was a restaurant.

We've already established
it was the type of food

shop that's called... it's not a
supermarket - it's a restaurant.

Well, you were caught on CCTV,
what were you doing?

I made up some ice creams.

So, the ice creams you were caught
on CCTV selling were not ice creams

on the restaurant menu?

Yes.

I don't even know what "yes"
means now.

Is it just an ice cream restaurant,
or is it a restaurant that, amongst

other things, sells ice cream?

It was a shop?!

Genuinely, I feel like watching
this back on television

and it's been badly edited.

OK, it's... it's ice cream shop.

What's it called?

Baskin-Robbins.

LEE: What? Oh, so that's a huge ice
cream place.

Yeah, but it sells other things,
doesn't it?

Where is this Baskin-Robbins?

It's in Birmingham.

Birmingham.
And the year?



Keep it below '24, is my advice.



So, you're in Baskin-Robbins? Yeah.

And you said you sold
your own ice cream.

No, I didn't sell my own,
I made it up.

Chocolate and vanilla is boring,
isn't it?

So, I mixed the two together and
made it, like,

chocolate-y, banana-y.

How did you make it banana-y just
using chocolate and vanilla?

I added some bananas in it.

So, now, you talked about getting
into trouble,

how did the trouble come along?

One day, um, some, er... boy band
came in.

Some what?

DAVID AND JOSH: Which boyband?!

Duran Duran.

You're saying Duran Duran came in?

Well, Simon Le Bon came in.

Just him? Yeah.

Not the whole band? No.

Hey, how hungry was he?

Hungry like a wolf!

Yes!

Did he say, "What's your special?
Please, please, tell me now"?

Don't look at me,
I haven't got a clue.

You're in there, Simon Le Bon is
chatting away, what happens?

He says, "Can I have an ice cream?"
I said, "Yes."

And then he says,
"What do you recommend? Oh.

LEE: Now it's got interesting.
SHAZIA: And then I've...

It's taken an hour
but here we are.

I just mixed a few flavours
up and I served that to him.

He really enjoyed it, apparently.

And then he sent in some other band
member, of his band,

the next day to come and try.

Which one was it? Which one?

It was the one that wears
a lot of make-up.

Nick Rhodes.

Yeah, yeah, that one.

Simon told the other one that...

LEE: And if Simon tells them, they
have to do it,

that's the game, isn't it?
SHAZIA: Yeah, Simon says.

He said, "You've got to go in there.
They do amazing ice creams,

"and the girl behind the counter,
she will do you something

"you've never seen before".

She'll literally do three different
flavours scooped next to each other,

even though, as we all know,
that's ill*gal.

So how did you get into trouble?

It was seen on CCTV
that I was mixing.

A little bit from here,
a little bit from there.

LEE: Who's not going to want
to watch that?

Because it's gripping
viewing, isn't it?

What was your punishment?

I got a letter of warning.

An official warning?

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. What are you thinking there,
David?

I'm thinking that I can't
remember before the time

we were discussing this.

Is what she just said true?

We're saying it's true.

Are we?! What?
Yeah.

MATT: Whoa!

Just... Why?!

Why?

The holes in the story.

Yes, but she's not trying
to convince us at all.

That's a clear hallmark of someone
who's got a truth on a card

and is trying to make it sound
like nonsense.

The fact it moved from food shop,
to restaurant, to ice cream parlour,

means it was always
an ice cream parlour.

It was always Simon Le Bon.

She was trying to make it sound
unconvincing.

Well, I'm not having it.

So, you're going to overrule.

It's true.

OK, OK, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're going to overrule
the only woman on your panel? Yeah.

That's a shame.

And a g*y.

OK, they think it's true.

So, Shazia, here we go.

Was it true, or was it a lie?

I'm afraid, it was...

Yes, it's true.
Shazia did get in trouble

when she was caught on CCTV.

Our next round is
called "This is My",

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one

of our panellists.

This week, each of David's
team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest - Ryan.

So, Rosie, what is Ryan to you?

Yeah, this is Ryan.

He went viral after I secretly
filmed him singing in the car.

Josh, how do you know Ryan?

This is Ryan, and I was forced

to take part in a hot dog
eating contest with him.

And David, what is
your relationship with Ryan?

This is Ryan, and he let me
have a go at

painting a parking
space with his special contraption.

So, there we have it.

Rosie's musical mate, Josh's hungry
helper or David's paint pal.

Lee's team, where will you begin?

Would you mind just telling
us again, Rosie? Sorry.

This is Ryan, and he went viral

when I filmed him
singing in the car.

What was he singing?

♪ I will do anything for love,
but I won't do that. ♪

Whoa. Hello.

Why, what were you asking him to do?

He was driving me home.
He was driving you home?

He's a driver that we sometimes use.
Me and Chris, my husband.

So, you are on the backseat? Yes.
With Chris at this time?

No, Chris wasn't there.
He is doing the singing?

Yeah, he was singing.
And what were you doing?

I was trying to sleep in the back,
if I'm honest with you.

So you're creepily filming
behind his head?

So I could see the back of his head,
you couldn't see his face.

But how has that...
That's gone viral?

Yeah. The back of his head singing?

Yeah. I find that hard to believe.

Well, to be fair, if it was
the back of his head singing,

that would go viral. That is true.

If that hair parted
and there was some lips...

...I'd watch that.
What's viral?

It got 5 million views.



Him singing that - the back
of his head?! Yeah.

Has he got a beautiful voice?

Yeah, he was singing Meat Loaf,
and he sounds like Meat Loaf.

Was he singing along to the radio?
Yeah.

And he sounded like Meat Loaf?
Yeah!

And you couldn't see
his lips moving?

Can you see where I'm going with it?

I think there's a possibility

that all you've done
is record the radio.

Where did you post it? Instagram.

How many followers...?
How many followers have you got?

I've got about 950,000 followers.

I don't know much about this world.


MATT: It's good, yeah. It's good.
Is that good?

SHAZIA: It's nearly a million.
How many have you got?

How many have you got?
I want to gauge what's good and bad.

Uh, 200,000.
That's good!

Have you got followers?




Oh, did you buy them?

That's even...
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Things that go viral
on the internet,

generally, you can see their face.
Yeah.

Oh, not some of the ones I've seen.

Were you filming it on just a phone?
Yeah.

Because the microphone
on the phone is pretty poor.

If you're sat behind him
in a noisy car on a motorway,

radio's going, you're behind him.

Your story is falling apart.

There is no way in a million years.

Hey, Matt, can I ask you this?

Is there anything that you don't
know a little bit about?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, how do you know Ryan, Josh?

So, this is Ryan, and I was forced
to take part

in a hot dog eating
contest with him.

When was this?

About ten years ago.

It was the opening of a new hot
dog restaurant, and there was...

A hot dog restaurant?! Yeah.

Were you with him?
We lived together.

I lived with him and a bunch
of other Viking re-enactors,

because he's a Viking re-enactor.

Now, for the first time in the
whole evening, I believe that.

LAUGHTER

Were you a Viking re-enactor?

No, but they kept all their spears
and shields in our house.

And sometimes,
when they wasn't there,

I'd do a little naked photo sh**t.

LAUGHTER

How did the competition
come about, then?

OK, so, earlier that day, I went

for an all-you-can-eat buffet,
right, with my friend.

Terrible idea on the day of
a hot dog eating competition.

Well, I didn't... He didn't know,
did he? I didn't know. Oh.

As I left, my brother phoned me
and was, like,

"I need you and Big Ryan."

Because Ryan's my friend,
but people, like, borrow him

when things need eating or moving,
really. So...

If any leopards need sh**ting. Yeah.
So, me brother...

LAUGHTER

So, your brother entered
a competition? Yeah.

And you need four people in a team
for this hot dog eating competition.

And they had two drop-outs.

And I were, like, "I can't help you.

"I've just come out of a buffet.
Like, I'm full."

And he were like, "You can do it."

And I love a compliment,
so I was like, "I'll be there."

So...
LAUGHTER

So, then I had about seven hours
to get ready for this competition.

When you say "get ready",
just not eat.

I did a few star jumps, tried to
make a bit of movement, and then...

LAUGHTER

I'd been Googling all day.

What you're supposed to do in a
hot dog eating competition is,

you're supposed to wet the bread,

because it's quicker to eat bread
if you wet it, right?

The way they do it is, you have all
the hot dogs on a tray, right?

And then they weigh them all.

And then
the most weight ate wins, right?

So I said to the three lads
who I was with, I was like,

"Boys, you get the hot dogs,
I'm going for the buns." So...

LAUGHTER

That's a great name
for an autobiography.

You're there,
the tension's mounting.

You're eating a hot dog?

No, I... Oh, you're on bread.

I took the bread. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?

No wonder these geese hate you.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And how much did you eat?

Well, we came second.

Me and Ryan carried the team.

I was a machine, and I was just,
like, swallowing this bread whole.

And I was getting a crowd around me.
They were, like, looking at me.

The weird thing is, though,
a couple of months ago,

I matched with a guy in a dating
app, and he was like,

"Hey, about ten years ago, did you
do a hot dog eating competition?"

And I were like, "Yeah."
And he went,

"I've never seen
someone destroy bread so manically."

And he was like,
"I was genuinely terrified."

And a bit of me was like, "Yeah!"

LAUGHTER

Right, how do you know Ryan, David?

Well, he let me have a go
at painting a parking space

with his special contraption.

Did you seek him out?

I was passing with my daughter.

It was in the car park,
outside a hotel.

It was a hotel in Cardiff, actually.
Ah.

The parking spaces had already

been painted
at some point in the past.

But the thing is that they'd faded
to a certain extent, and the hotel,

wishing the whole place to seem
spick and span,

had commissioned
Ryan here to repaint the lines.

"Commissioned" him? Like an artist.

I'll admit it,
I put it in a needlessly poncey way.

LAUGHTER

David, that's not like you!

What was the contraption?

The contraption was a sort
of cuboid on a stick and, uh...

And an accompanying jug.

And the cuboid allows a certain
amount of the paint to, as it were,

leak through in a square pattern.

And paint goes on the lines
with straight edges,

just like you'd want
with a parking space. Right.

And as we walked past, my daughter
took an interest... Right.

...and then Ryan said hello.

And then he said,
"Would you like to have a go?"

Did he say it from the back
of his head,

the way he sings Meat Loaf songs?

He just... He turned to me,
he said it to my face.

If I'd videoed it,
it would have gone viral.

LAUGHTER

Your daughter took an interest,
but then you just hogged the thing

and did all the...?

I didn't hog the thing.

The cuboid.
The two of us held it together.

I would imagine, Matt, that you know
quite a bit about...

LAUGHTER

...painting parking spaces.
APPLAUSE

And you would be correct.
So, does this add up for you?

It's strange that a professional
car park space painter

would just let a random bearded man
grab his thing.

I am so sorry!

When you look at his body of work...
To be fair,

I don't think Ryan
has ever used the phrase,

"He looks like a random
beardy man", in his life.

Unless he's looking in the mirror,
cleaning his teeth.

LAUGHTER

It's David Mitchell!
That's even worse,

because we know he's not
done car park space painting before.

A random guy, maybe he has.
We know David's never done that.

If you've ever seen him with his
daughter, it's a lovely sight,

the two of you together.

It's like the Mitchell family
version of going to Alton Towers.

Right, we need an answer.

Is Ryan Rosie's musical mate,

Josh's hungry helper,

or David's paint pal?

Right, well,
what do we think of Rosie?

Unless she's misdescribing
that video,

that video has not got


SHAZIA: That would not get


Well, I don't know...
...of the back of a head.

I don't know enough
about that world.

SHAZIA: I think it's Josh.
MATT: Very believable, yeah.

Well, I didn't think
it was Josh until he said...

IMITATES VOICE: "Ten years later, I
meet this bloke on the apps, right?"

And I think that's a bit of detail.

Because he's added... Josh is
on the apps. Is he on the apps?

He's on the apps. Yeah.

What do you think of
David's story, Matt?

I can't see a professional
car park space painter

just letting a guy take the reins

and... That's just not going to
happen, is it?

SHAZIA: Well, it's ill*gal.

He's not giving me a go
in a Harrier jump jet!

LAUGHTER

It's time to go for a guess.

You going for Josh?
MATT: Yeah.

Are you going for Josh?
SHAZIA: Yes.

Let's go with Josh.

Saying that it's Josh. OK.

Ryan, would you please
reveal your true identity.

I'm Ryan, and Josh and I
did a hot dog eating contest.

SHAZIA: Yes!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Yes, Ryan is Josh's hungry helper.

Thank you very much, Ryan.

Which brings us to our final round -
Quickfire Lies.

And we start with...

...Lee.

I briefly dated a girl
from the circus

after she flew too far out of
a cannon...

...and landed in my lap.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

Oh, when was this?

This was this morning.

No, this was in 1988.

What was her name?

Her name was Lola.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She was a showgirl.

OK, usually, as I understand it,
the firing out of a cannon act,

it's not actually done
with gunpowder, is it?

They make the expl*sive
noise, but actually,

it's just a spring system. Yes.

But usually the landing place
is also within the stage area.

They don't tend to fire
someone into the crowd.

Of course! It wasn't deliberate.
So what had happened?

Well, it was a combination
of overly sprung spring

and terrible trajectory. OK.

Terrible for them, beautiful for us.

But was it not...?
She broke both her legs,

but we fell in love.

That was what I was going to say.

She couldn't run off and leave me.

And yet she has. Yes.

How do you know SHE left ME?

I can't imagine it being possible
for someone launched in that way

to land lightly
and non-disastrously.

It wasn't lightly.
It wasn't lightly.

You haven't met Lola, have you?

No! I'm surprised she managed

to get IN the cannon.

Very muscular woman.

She had to Vaseline herself
in every night.

You read off the card that
she landed in your lap. Correct!

Would not "crashed through your
torso" be more accurate?

The sentence may be
a tad exaggerated,

and probably should have read,

"I briefly dated a girl

"that I met online."

But when I told the producers,
they said,

"Can we just...? I don't know.
Can she be fired from a cannon?"

All right, well,
what do you think, Josh?

I think it's true.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It does have the ring of truth.

Rosie? No.

David? Well, I think, on balance,
we'll go lie.

They think it's a lie.

Lee, was it a lie,
or was it actually the truth?

It was, in fact, a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. Lee didn't date
a girl from the circus.

BUZZER SOUNDS
Oh, that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team
have two points,

and David's team have three.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching. We'll see you
next time. Goodnight.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE