18x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening! Welcome to "Would I
Lie To You?", the show that sorts

the facts from the fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,

from The Big Breakfast
to Big Brother,

it's presenter AJ Odudu!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And joining us
for his first appearance,

comedian Darren Harriott!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
can she be trusted?

From The Traitors,
it's Diane Carson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a stand-up from down under,
Sam Campbell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we start with Round One,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement
from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

AJ, you're first up.

I once had to leave a hen do
because the stripper turned up

and it was my old English teacher.

Lee's team. Wow! OK.
When did you recognise him?

Immediately?
Or halfway through the act?

Well, you used to be a teacher,
didn't you, Diane?

Is this ringing a bell?
But not a stripper!

You never stripped. God, no! No!

This is why you've never been
a chat-show host.

But she left before he stripped, right?

No, I had to leave a hen do

because I was so embarrassed.
I couldn't look him in the eye.

Well, you're not supposed to,
are you?

What part of the strip was he at
when you left?

I watched the full monty,
of course I did!

Have you ever been to a stag do or a
hen party where there's a stripper?

Right - David, no.

They hang around after, because
they don't just leave immediately.

To chat. They sort of go, "Now I've
stripped and now I will mingle."

Yeah.

"Did you enjoy the show?

"Actually, I'm an English teacher
as well, so..."

Did he recognise you?

Yeah. How could you tell? What,
you made eye contact or something?

It was just very...
It was an awkward strip.

An awkward strip!

He looked visibly embarrassed.

Was the strip at all
a classroom theme?

Did he have, like, the dusters?

No, he didn't! Maybe a bit of chalk
or something like that.

That would have been really good!
The tie spinning around?

I don't know, cos I know
some strippers are sort of themed.

They look like a police officer
or a fireman or...

I'm not sure teacher is the right...
It feels like

it's more of a complicated message
they're putting out.

"I've got your essays back." Yeah.

So, what are you thinking?
Sam, what do you reckon?

So, you know that a stripper
will often emerge from a cake.

What if he came out of, like,
a giant school lunch?

Yeah, I think we've established
it wasn't school themed.

It's good that you're working
on his act for him.

So, Lee, what's your team
going to say?

What do we think, Sam?
Maybe when he starts, he'll go,

"My name is..." Like, he writes
his name on the wall.

I think we have established
it's not a school theme.

Lee? So, you think it's true or not?

Oh, true. Absolutely.
Oh, right. Every time.

Diane? I think it's a lie.
I think you're too classy

for that kind of tawdry event, AJ.

So, they're saying it's a lie.

Was it a lie,
or was it actually the truth?

Well, Lee, it is a...

...lie!
APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

AJ didn't leave a hen do
because she knew the stripper.

Darren, you're next. Oh, yeah?

Whenever I have a bath,
I always sit in the empty tub first

then turn on the taps.

Lee's team. How long for?

Erm, well, it depends
what I'm doing. Erm...

What might you be doing
while you're sitting?

Sometimes shaving my head.
In the bath? Yeah. When you put

the bath on, all the hairs
are floating in the bath.

Well, I don't know. Maybe it goes
down the drain before I turn it on.

Well, how the hell does it go down
if you haven't turned it on?

Have you got a massive straw?

Are you naked at this point,
by the way? Of course I am!

Don't talk to me like I'M the idiot.
You're sitting in a bath

with no water in it, mate.
I just find it very comfortable.

I also quite like the fact that it's
quite cold in there. I was going to

say, that's the problem, right?
You're going to have a cold bottom.

What about additives, like
a bubble bath or some bath salts?

Which do you favour? Bath salts.
Oh, do you like to put the salts in

first on their own? Just sit on
there like a really miserable slug.

I just don't believe one word of it.
Why would you sit in a bath

and shave your head?
I can't shave my hair outside.

I don't have a garden.
So I realised, when I was shaving...

What? Weirdly, I do have a garden,
and I've never realised what I was

supposed to be using it for.

Can I ask you a question?
You're shaving your head.

Are you manscaping?

Erm, every now and again.

Would you explain to David
what manscaping is?

It's a sort of shaving and
making sure everything looks neat

and tidy, like, erm... Like a golf
course. Like a golf course. Yeah.

Let's just do a little poll here.

Is there any single person in this
audience - just put your hand up -

who gets into the bath
with it empty, sits there naked

and then watches
as the water slowly rises up?

All right, Rob,
you don't have to say that!

There's a few people! Really?!

That's weird, because
it's all the bald men.

What are you thinking, Sam?
Truth or lie?

Would you be open to
shaving other men in the bath?

Sam, we're a pre-watershed show.
It sounds all right. I don't know.

Is he telling the truth?
For a long time I thought he was,

but then some of the stuff Lee was
saying, I was like, "Oh, right!"

I would say that I believe Lee
and some of the things...

It's not me doing it. It's him.

I think it's a lie. You think it's
a lie. Yeah, we'll say it's a lie.

They say it's a lie. Was it a lie,
Darren, or was it true?

It is a...

...lie.
APPLAUSE

Very good.
I do shave my head in the bath.

Yes, it's a lie. Darren doesn't
sit in the bath as it fills.

Our next round
is called "This Is My...",

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one

of our panellists. This week, each
of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome
this week's special guest, Dawn.

APPLAUSE

So, Diane, what is Dawn to you?

So, this is Dawn.
She's the tarot card reader

whose warnings I chose to ignore
while I was in the Traitors house.

Sam, how do you know Dawn?
This is Dawn. She's the reporter

who hired me to work undercover
in a disgusting restaurant kitchen.

And finally, Lee, what is
your relationship with Dawn?

This is Dawn. I accidentally
set a frog loose in her chemist.

So there we have it -
Diane's mystic mate,

Sam's covert colleague
or Lee's frightened pharmacist.

David's team, where will you begin?

Well, Diane. So, she's a tarot
reader. Tell us what happened.

I'll set the scene. Right.
It was Christmas, so we all

happened to be quite ill,
and we were being sick. Oh, right.

So, normally at Christmas, when
I've got all the family together,

I'm really busy cooking,
you know, wrapping presents,

making everything joyful
to everybody, playing board games.

That's our sort of a Christmas.
So, this particular Christmas

we were all really, really ill.
And my kids said to me,

"Traitors is on." And I went,
"No, I don't want to see it."

And they just put it on anyway.
So we watched the last episode

together. The final?
Of the first series.

Yeah. You just watched that?
Yeah. No point watching

the final of the second series.
She knows what happens. Yeah.

And I thought, "Oh, I think I could
do this. That looks like fun."

Can I just check - if we're all
going this far back in the story,

can I mention about the time
that my frog was a tadpole?

I'm just setting the scene.

You are! You are definitely
setting the scene.

We're still not at the series
you were in yet!

So, you've seen the last episode,
you like it.

And I said, "I can do this." And my
kids said, "No, you'd be too gobby,

"you'd be too opinionated,
you wouldn't get on."

So then I said, "No, I'd be OK
at the challenges."

And they said, "Well,
you would never be able to blend

"into the background,
not be opinionated. You'd be..."

"Let's call a tarot reader"!

No, no, I haven't got to that part.

No, we know that, we know that.

I'm looking forward to hearing
about Dawn's childhood. So...

So, anyway, one of them flippantly
sent me an application form.

Now, I was worried if I did watch
Traitors, I would be too scared

then to continue
with the application form,

so I didn't watch it. So then...
But you watched the final?

Sorry, I'd watched the final.
That was earlier. Yeah.

Usually, people interrupt
to pad out the stories.

You don't need to do any of that.

Stop it!

You're distracting me.
I'm telling them a story.

Next time, I'm on David's team,
please. Have that noted.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. NEXT time?

So, right, when you're going through
the audition process,

they kept advising us
to watch the first series,

and I still didn't want to.

So then I decided
I would ring up and...

APPLAUSE

I know you're not supposed to
talk on this show.

Have you ever met her? Yes or no?

Dawn, not a word. Nothing.

So anyway, I decided to contact
a tarot card reader.

Wahey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So I went round to Dawn's house
and she laid out the cards,

and she basically warned me
of a snake that was to come.

Right... AND she told me
I needed to do my research.

But you ignored her advice.
Well, no, I took half of it.

Right. The week before I went
into the castle,

I watched the first series.

Not until she said,
"Do your research."

Yes. And then she said,
"Beware of a snake." Right.

What's your favourite
breed of snake?

You don't know about
Sam's chat-up lines, do you?

So I happened to be in a challenge,
and we were all in these dry suits,

and people were taking off
their tops and so on and so forth,

and I happened to notice
a tattoo on Harry's chest.

Harry's the one who eventually won.
Yeah. And he had a snake

on his chest? Yes. Wow. OK.
That's like what the fortune teller

warned about! Yes! She's
a tarot reader. The tarot reader!

I should have spotted
Harry had a snake tattoo,

and I should have gone for Harry.
OK. Wow.

Who would you like to quiz next?

Sam, what's your story?

She hired me to go undercover
at a disgusting, filthy restaurant.

Why you? Ooh! Erm...

So, I was interning
at the Courier-Mail, where all this

went down. There's a newspaper in
Australia called the Courier-Mail?

Mm-hm. What's the circulation, approximately?

Welcome to the fun.

Jeez! The circulation.

I thought you'd never ask.
So, that is...

It's all sort of Brisbane,
all around that area.

This is a big paper.
I'm sorry to ask questions

that you find inappropriate, Sam,
but is the Courier-Mail

a national newspaper in Australia?
No, no, no. No, it's state-wide.

For one state of Australia.
But states are huge. Yes, I know,

but, you know, nevertheless...
Well, you sound as though you don't.

What I'm trying to
get to the bottom of here, Rob,

is that this is a big expose
on one restaurant.

Now, I would say that if it was
a national newspaper,

that wouldn't be plausible.
State-wide, maybe.

DARREN: What kind of restaurant
was it? Italian. Italian? Yeah.

Why did you wave your hands
like that? Like an Italian?

"It's an Italian!"

How did you come into contact with
the paper? How did she find you?

I was interning there
because I wanted to be...

...AJ, a journalist.

APPLAUSE

So it was all the interns. We all
applied for this job at September's,

the Italian restaurant. And I was
the one who happened to get the job

as a dish pig. What's a dish pig?
Washing the plates.

That's what they call you?
Yeah, a little dish pig.

Oh, that's really good
for your ego, isn't it?

Oh, they're lovely,
the Australians, aren't they?

Remind us of what it is

that you are sniffing around,
trying to uncover.

Truffles.

Basically, things like rats
and, like, sort of some reheating.

Rats, did you say?

They weren't reheating the rats.
The rats were sort of... Yeah.

But did you bond
with everyone, then?

I worked there for four months.

You just carried on working there?
This is the thing.

I was bonding with people,
and so I never...

I was like, "Oh, no,
it's all pretty legit."

And I never... I never squealed.

Did you at any point sort of confer
with Dawn about what was going on?

There was one meeting where I said,
"Yeah, there's no story here."

And then there was just emails
about it. "Anything yet?"

"Nothing yet."

So how did it come to a close, then?
Oh, no, I just worked there

for four months and then kept on
with my university studies,

stopped doing journalism
and actually got into

a sort of a career in comedy.

And what did you do after that?

APPLAUSE

That's nasty. You are nasty.
You take it back.

Right, David, what about, erm,
what about Lee Mack?

He's the one in the middle.
I think Lee's probably true.

Just remind us, Lee.
Er, this is Dawn,

and Diane's story took so long

that she's changing her name
to Evening.

APPLAUSE

I... This is Dawn. I accidentally
set a frog loose in her chemist.

Can I ask why you had a frog
and how it managed to get loose?

Yes, you can.

If you don't mind.
Well, go on, ask it.

How...? Wha...? Why did you...?

Turns out Darren can't ask it.

So let me ask. How did you have
a frog and how did it get loose?

Is that what you want to ask,
Darren? That's what I wanted to ask.

I'm not doing it
until I hear you ask me.

Why did you have a fraaag
and how did it get loose?

Did you say "fraaag"?

I didn't think anyone heard that.
Oh, we all heard it.

The fraaag there.
Why did you say fraaag?

No! I tried to do an accent.
I kind of lost it.

You're from Birmingham, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm from the West Midlands.

All right... No, that's not
where you're getting it wrong.

That's an American accent.

So, your fraaag...

MIDLANDS ACCENT: Lee, mate,
why did you have a frog,

and how did you lose it?

APPLAUSE

Well...

Good question, Darren.

I was walking down the road
with my daughter Millie,

and, er, I came across, erm...
A frog. ..a frog.

A frog. In the middle of the road
or on the pavement?

It was sort of... It was...

Neither. OK.

It was about a third of the way
to the middle of the road. OK. OK.

We saw the frog... Yeah.
...in the road. Yeah.

And it wasn't jumping around much.
Wasn't jumping? Interesting.

Correct. Yeah, because if
it had been jumping around a lot,

I wouldn't have been able to answer
David's question so easily, would I?

Where was it? It was on the kerb.
On the pavement. On the middle.

On the middle. On the left. On the
right. It's gone back on the kerb.

It's gone down.
We'd have been here all day,

and no-one wants that in a story,
do they? I do! I know.

So the frog was stationary.
Well, no. You couldn't use him

as a pencil sharpener.

Yes, the frog was not moving. Yeah.
OK. So how did you catch him?

I had a coffee cup
that was virtually empty,

and I went up to the frog slowly.

I could see he was alive,
because it was...

And I thought, "If he's doing that
with his hand, he must be alive."

And so I got up there
and I just sort of put him in.

He jumped in the coffee cup. I put
the lid back on the coffee cup.

So now I can go back to Costa
and get a free coffee,

because I can say, "I found this
at the bottom of me cappuccino."

Now, where does Dawn
come into this story?

Well, first thing in the morning.

Where does this Dawn
enter the story?

Well, Dawn is
Dawn of Dawn's Chemist.

I'm in the shop and I'm waiting,
making small talk, me and Dawn.

Yes! I know Dawn a bit.
We're talking about her brothers.

They're farmers, actually. Farmer A,
farmer B. She's "farmer C".

APPLAUSE

And I just was very forgetful for
a moment, sort of went like that...

Oh, no. Like that. Felt it moving.
"Whoa! Oh, my God!"

And in the action of doing that,
it sort of bounced against the lid,

the lid dislodged
and the frog got loose.

And he's hopping around?
Now he's off like a shot.

He's woken up. He's had
the equivalent of 19 coffees.

And how did Dawn respond? That's
the whole thing here. I mean...

She said, "Come on, get the frog.
Get the frog."

So she's behind the counter,
just going, "Get the frog,

"get the frog"? No, she was
multitasking. She's going,

"Get the frog. Get the frog.

"Get the tablets for Mrs Green.
Get the frog. Get the frog.

"It's on the top counter.
I've told you before."

How does the story conclude?

It doesn't.

It doesn't? That was three years
ago. My daughter's still in

that chemist looking for it.
Social services have got involved,

and the RSPCA.

We need an answer.

So, David's team, is Dawn Diane's
mystic mate, Sam's covert colleague

or Lee's frightened pharmacist?
What do you think?

I feel like Sam's story is the one
that I probably believe the most.

And a lot of comedians before,
when they're quite young,

they would do something like that
where they'd be like an undercover

detective and then get a job
at a place that is obviously...

He wasn't an undercover detective,
to be clear.

He was an interned reporter
at her paper.

What about Lee? I think
Lee's description of the behaviour

of a traumatised frog was extremely
believable and rather moving.

I think it's Diane. And she looks
like someone that I would believe.

Do you know what I mean? What,
if she was dealing some cards?

If she were dealing some cards.
Receiving some cash. Yeah.

You'd go, "Oh, yeah. You seem like
you can tell the future."

Yeah. OK, and you? Yeah, let's go,
let's go. Let's go Diane. OK,

we're going to go Diane! We'll go
Diane. You're going to say

it's Diane. Dawn, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Dawn,

and Diane ignored my warnings.

Yes!
APPLAUSE

Yes, Dawn is Diane's mystic mate.
Thank you very much, Dawn.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's...

...David.

I once unwittingly
ran through my school naked.

Lee's team. What do you think?
Why?

I was a child. What age?

Nine. And we were supposed to change
after sport and have a shower.

What sort of school was this?

Was it a rough
council-estate school?

It wasn't, no. It wasn't? Oh!
No, it was a...

Oh, so this is all a facade?

Tell us about this fateful day.

Well, after sport...
What sport was it?

Polo! Lacrosse.
The Crumpington toss!

I have a sense that it would
have been hockey or football.

Did you love the hockey?
No! No, no. I hated, hated football,

and I hated hockey more because it
was football but people had weapons.

After sport, right, you have to
go into the classroom

to change for the shower.
And the shower... What?! Yeah, yeah.

The shower...
Is this one of these schools

we're going to see on Panorama?

You changed for the shower
in the classroom and then went

down the corridor and into
the showers. What, naked?

You could take everything off
except your pants.

And then you go to the shower,
you take your pants off,

you have the shower,
you put your pants on,

you go back, you finish changing.
Right? That was the system.

And so why aren't you
wearing your pants?

Because when taking
all my things off,

I overshot.

Was this the first time you'd
got changed for the shower? No.

Well, then, why did you not know?
Human error.

You whip off your pants,
you're naked. What happens next?

I head towards the showers.

Do you realise you're naked as
you're walking towards the shower?

Do you mind? Yes to both.

Yes, I realise as I'm walking along.
And, yes, I mind.

And you were further than halfway.
It wasn't worth going back.

I'm further than halfway.
Nevertheless...

...I go back.

I'm thinking, "OK, once I get
into the showers, it's fine."

It's normal, suddenly, to be naked,

if you can imagine
anything so twisted.

But then what am I going to do?

Surely you need a towel
to dry yourself off?

That's a good point.
I'm holding the towel.

Why did you never think
to put that towel around you?

But putting towels round your waist,
nine-year-olds don't do that.

I wouldn't have the technique
with the tucking it in or anything.

You couldn't work out how to
put a towel round your waist?

Well... Isn't private education
a wonderful thing?

Well, what I was doing
was running down a corridor naked,

suddenly realising
I'm running down a corridor naked

and everyone else is running
down a corridor just wearing pants.

Right. I found that quite a
stressful moment, so I didn't pause

to develop the technique
of wrapping a towel round my waist.

What I did was I ran back
and put my pants on.

How big of an event was it?
Like, if we went to the school now,

would they sort of be
singing songs about this?

They would not. No.
And I'll tell you why.

Nobody noticed!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Right, Sam, what do you think?
I think this guy,

he is such a little gentleman.
I don't think he's ever been naked.

I think he's always been wearing at
least some long johns or a singlet.

If he's made that up...

...it just sounds warped.
Well, the guy is sick.

Diane, as a teacher,
what do you think?

I think because you've never
done it before... Yeah.

...why would you do it this time?
So I think it's a lie.

I've known David a long time,
and I know nothing about the school

he went to, but this all
makes sense to me.

All of it.

If it IS true, he's sat on this
for 18 series.

I know, but I think
he's so traumatised

he's been able to shelve it.
No, I told this story years ago

to the production, and for whatever
reason they never wanted to use it.

But the time came when there was
literally nothing else true about me

apart from this...
this grotty little moment,

this formative moment
of secret humiliation,

and they thought, "We're going to
have to see if that comes out

"in a way that is
in any form broadcastable."

When you told this story, were you
lying down on a leather couch?

You both think it's a lie?
Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to go with my team, but...

Oh, God, it's true.

You're saying it's a lie.
I'll say it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie.
We pray it's a lie.

Was that story a lie or was it true?

Oh, God. It's true.

APPLAUSE

Oh, my word!

Yes, I'm afraid it was true, David
did run naked through his school.

Next...

...it's Sam. Oh, gosh.

OK. I only found out this morning
that David Bowie is dead.

David's team.

OK. Wow! How did you find out?
Yeah.

My friend brought him up. Right.
And we were talking about that...

Your friend brought him up?

This was Mr Bowie Senior, was it?
Yeah, yeah.

So when you realised that David
Bowie had gone, how did you feel?

It's really hard to say with words.

Would you like to tell me
through the medium of dance?

I could make just a sound. Please.

SIGHS: Ohhh...

It was very, very sad. Too soon.

Well, he's my second-favourite
David. Who's your first one?

It's quite a big figure
to die, though. It is.

But you don't have to be a David
Bowie fan to know that he died.

DARREN: That is true. I am not a fan
and I knew that he died

eight years ago.
What didn't you like about him?

Just that, you know,

he hadn't chosen to be a novelist.

He could have done a sitcom,
couldn't he?

Make the effort! Good point.

"Oh, another song. Great..."

Even if that were to be true,
you would never admit that.

If you say a person, I'll say
whether I think they're dead or not.

OK, go on, then. Michael Jackson.

Dead. Prince.

Dead. Winston Churchill!

Alive in our hearts. Yeah.

Sorry, is this a new round?

Right, it's time.
What are you going to say, David?

I think it's a lie.

I think on the balance of
probabilities... Yeah.

They think it's a lie.
OK, Sam, truth or lie?

Oh, yeah, it was a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Sam knows
that David Bowie has passed away.

BUZZER
Oh, that noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show.
I can reveal

that David's team have three points

and Lee's team have two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.

CHEERING