CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening. Welcome to
"Would I Lie To You?"?
the show that separates
fact from fiction.
On David Mitchell's team tonight,
from Radio 2 to Strictly,
it's presenter Richie Anderson.
APPLAUSE
And Here We Go - it's
comedy actor Katherine Parkinson.
APPLAUSE
And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
from Line Of Duty to Hullraisers,
it's Taj Atwal.
APPLAUSE
And stand-up comic and friend
of the show, it's Chris McCausland.
APPLAUSE
We start with round one,
Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,
so they've no idea
what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.
And Chris is up first.
Right. Read that for us, mate.
Oh, you're so showbizzy.
Read it yourself.
LAUGHTER
I once offended a member
of a heavy metal band
when I told him his metal
wasn't heavy enough.
OK. What was the heavy metal band?
Well... You can say...
I've never... I don't know the names
of any heavy metal bands,
so just say anything.
KATHERINE: Nor do I.
I'm on the radio, so I might.
Oh, right. OK. I might.
Errortype:11.
Oh, no, we don't play them
on Radio 2.
Oh, right.
LAUGHTER
When was this, Chris?
Oh, this was maybe 20-odd years ago.
Right. And how did you encounter
the band Errortype:11?
I went to watch them.
Right. Cos you were already a fan?
No.
Yes.
I thought I was.
How had you heard of Errortype:11
in order to go to one of their gigs?
I had the album.
I went to a concert
and I was expecting them to be
really quite heavy,
and they were quite... whiny.
So, hang on. So you're not
talking about literal metal?
LAUGHTER
It's a genre of music, David.
I know it's a genre of music.
It's a very loud, thrashy...
I wondered whether there might have
been some sort of
play on words within the assertion.
No. No, no.
LEE: I thought you were joking.
That was a genuine question?
A genuine...
I thought there might have been
some circumstances where...
I don't know...
They were carrying some metal.
Yeah, yeah, maybe.
And he had a chance to hold it,
then said,
"I thought your metal
was going to be heavier."
OK... In what scenario
would that happen?!
I'm going... I'm going, I'm going
to tell you. Go on, then.
Chris is sharing a flat with someone
who's in a heavy metal band,
many years ago,
and this person has to go and buy
some saucepans for the flat.
And then the saucepans are
of insufficient quality
for Chris' needs.
And one of the problems,
one of the signs of that, is unlike,
say, a Le Creuset,
this is a very light saucepan.
It's not heavy enough,
and Chris finds that hilarious.
The idea that this heavy metal
musician has bought
stupidly light metal
for a domestic context.
Now that would be an anecdote!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But what happens is you have bought
the album and were disappointed.
Well, they weren't as heavy
as I thought they were going to be,
and I mentioned this to one
of the band members in the interval.
In the interval?
LAUGHTER
I've not been to many gigs, but...
So there's an interval?
And an interval in which it's
possible to mingle with the band?
LAUGHTER
They had an interval and they came
off the front of the stage
to the bar... To chat.
To get some drinks.
All right. Basically, it wasn't
the band I thought it was.
So it wasn't Errortype:11?
So the band I saw was Errortype:11.
But the band you'd hoped
to see was...?
Eyelid.
LAUGHTER
OK. And how did you manage to buy
tickets to an Errortype:11 concert,
when what you'd wanted was tickets
to an Eyelid concert?
Cos I had the CDs
in the wrong cases!
LAUGHTER
So you had been listening
repeatedly to... Eyelid.
...Eyelid's music and attributing
that music to Errortype:11?
Yeah. And the other way around.
Did they have similar
album covers, then?
Eyelid and - what's it called?
Errortype:11.
I mean, I don't know
if anyone's mentioned this,
but I'm blind, so...
LAUGHTER
They, um...
This is a bit awkward, cos I don't
know if anyone's mentioned it,
but so is Katherine.
LAUGHTER
All right, David,
what's it going to be?
True? I think true.
I think it's a lie.
Right, well, the thing is,
the specifics -
if he was making it up, he wouldn't
have said that a band member
came down during the interval. He
would have made up something better.
So we're going to go true.
You're saying it's true.
Chris, they think it's true.
Was it true or was it a lie?
It is...
...true.
APPLAUSE
It is true.
Chris did offend a heavy metaller.
Taj, you're next.
Yes.
SHE CLEARS THROAT
I once looked a fool while trying
to play it cool by a pool.
Ooh! Ah, a rhyming one.
Where are we, Taj? Soho House.
Soho House, the exclusive
private members club
for the fancy-pants people
of the media industry.
Are you a member, Rob?
Yes.
LAUGHTER
And how recent is this?
About a year ago, and I'd only
been a member at this point
for about two days.
Is it an indoor pool
or an outdoor pool?
It's an outdoor pool, and I need
to put my bathing suit on...
Right. ..somehow.
So you've turned up,
but you're wearing
normal, non-swimming clothes.
I'm wearing a full-length
gingham dress.
OK. I like the way you sounded
the second G, "gingham."
Are you not supposed
to pronounce the second?
I don't know.
There's no right or wrong.
Because I pronounce
a lot of words wrong.
No, no. Not at all!
It's not a criticism,
it's an observation.
I love it when Rob's trying
to be charming
and it massively backfires.
LAUGHTER
He always starts with,
"You know, I love the way..."
It always ends up,
"I wasn't having a go at you!"
LAUGHTER
I didn't mean to offend you.
All I'm saying is...
LAUGHTER
...I thought it was rather charming.
So what happens next?
I decided to, for some reason,
change by the pool.
To look cool?
Not to look cool, just because
I didn't really want to walk
in front of everyone.
It's odd, isn't it, though?
The idea that you can't be stood
next to a pool in your knickers,
but you can in bathing bottoms,
which are exactly the same.
I know you've had trouble
with the police over this, Lee.
LAUGHTER
Now is not the time
to raise that subject again.
Listen, you find me bathing bottoms
that you can get them both
to stay in, and I will wear them.
EVERYONE GROANS
You have to choose -
left or right!
Oh, dear!
So you decided it would be
too embarrassing
to walk past the people
to go to a changing room?
I was just feeling self-conscious.
I didn't want to get up and walk
in front of everyone, so I thought,
I'll just change by the pool
and shimmy my knickers off.
And I put them in a plastic bag
and I shimmied
my bathing suit on underneath.
I have to... When I take my
pants off,
I have to put them in a plastic bag.
LAUGHTER
My wife insists.
In the bag, knot the bag,
straight into landfill.
Oh, God!
LAUGHTER
Well, David, it's funny you say,
"knot the bag," cos
I didn't knot the bag. Yeah.
And I look over and think,
"Oh, I recognise that plastic bag.
"And I recognise those knickers
that are now out of the bag
"and just floating in the pool."
How did they get in the pool?
The wind blew the bag. Right.
So then I look up and go,
"Oh, my knickers!"
And I jump up and try
to run towards the pool.
And in my... gusto,
I fell head-first into the pool.
Right. Legs went
over the top of me...
I'll tell you what.
If this isn't true,
you've watched a lot of Benny Hill.
LAUGHTER
And I landed in the pool
with my full dress on,
and everyone's just laughing at me.
All right, what's it going
to be? Katherine?
I know her, so I think it's true.
She does.
You think it's true? OK.
I don't know her,
but I think she's lying.
LAUGHTER
Thanks, Richie.
OK. So true, lie, but you know her.
And I love gingham. Yes.
Gin-g-ham.
It doesn't matter. Gingham!
It's however you want to say it.
You've made people
so self-conscious!
Left to you, people would just be
sitting here in awkward silence,
like round that horrible
swimming pool at Soho House.
LAUGHTER
Frightened of their own shadows!
Should it be sunny enough
to cast any shadows,
which it never is.
Sitting there in a gale.
Judging each other!
While pants are relentlessly
blown into the water.
Is that the Britain we've made?
LAUGHTER
We'll go true.
Taj, was it true, or were
you telling us a lie?
It was indeed...
...true.
RICHIE: Oh, my goodness, no!
APPLAUSE
I know, I know.
It's true.
Taj did look like a fool in a pool.
Katherine, you're next.
"I used to think water polo
was played on horses."
Please, team.
Is it not?
Because I would think that's true.
LAUGHTER
Just so you know, Taj,
you're saying this...
...you're saying this out loud.
LAUGHTER
OK. Is this a common sport
that everybody knows about?
Cos I've never seen it.
Which one?
Water polo.
Water polo is the game where you...
Yeah. You've got, I don't know,
three or four a side and you're
trying to hit the ball.
And where do you go to watch that?
Well, you don't. It's boring.
LAUGHTER
That's what I mean...
It in the Olympics. Is it?
It's not like on the
level of football, but it's...
I mean, I've heard of it,
water polo.
Presumably you've got to
be able to ride and swim.
LAUGHTER
So you thought it was...?
And now I'm dealing with two people.
LAUGHTER
So you thought...
So you thought...
Did you think? You thought?
I thought the same as Taj.
It was a long time ago
when I was at university.
I lived with some very...
You were an adult.
Uh, just. What kind of adult...?
Sorry.
Me!
LAUGHTER
So you were with the type of people
that play water polo and polo?
I knew that they were
all really sporty,
and they all had their sports.
And this particular person,
I knew he played water polo.
And I said, one day, you know,
"Are the horses
all right with that?"
LAUGHTER
Just describe what you were thinking
in your head is the sport.
So big swimming pool, because...
Oh, you actually thought
it was a swimming pool?
Not in a lake or a river.
Yeah, yeah.
An actual swimming pool.
And how deep would it be
in relation to the horses?
It'd have to be so deep. I mean,
obviously, the horses aren't
going to be always under water.
They're going to be coming
up for air.
LAUGHTER
Oh, you think quite a lot of this
is the horses are under water?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Taj, you think this is plausible?
I mean, it's just blowing my mind
that this doesn't actually exist...
LAUGHTER
Well, this is so confusing
because we're in a situation
where we want to say, could anyone
really be that stupid?
And then I realised,
that's really rude to you,
so I don't know what to say.
No, it's fine, I'll take it.
Katherine, I think it's
an understandable mistake.
Thank you. Thank you.
LAUGHTER
Chris, what do you think?
I think she did believe it.
We'll say it's true.
Katherine, they think it's true.
Was it true or was it a lie?
Uh, it was, in fact...
...true. Oh, thank God!
Not just me.
Our next round is called
This Is My...,
where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's
team will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection
to the guest.
It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's
special guest, Charlotte.
APPLAUSE
So, Richie, what is Charlotte
to you?
This is Charlotte,
and I fired her from my
Spice Girls tribute band.
Right. Katherine.
How do you know Charlotte?
Uh, this is Charlotte.
Hi, Charlotte.
She was responsible for the safe
return of my missing goldfish.
Right. And finally, David,
your relationship with Charlotte.
This is Charlotte,
and she crashed her Lime bike
when she saw me take my top off.
LAUGHTER
So there we have it.
Lee, where will you begin?
So, Richie. Yes?
When you say your Spice Girls
tribute act, do you mean
you were the manager
or you were in the tribute act?
Well, I was a bit of everything.
So I was in the tribute act,
but I was also
manager, choreographer.
Right. Which Spice Girl?
I'm not going to lie, you don't
look like any of them.
LAUGHTER
Scary Spice.
You were Scary?
I always had to be Scary Spice
when I was playing Spice Girls
when I was young.
Am I the only one that's not
been in a Spice Girls tribute?
LAUGHTER
And did you wear the full costume
and wig and everything?
No. So, basically, we were just like
a tribute band within the school.
We were called The Spice Mix.
Oh, this is when you were a kid?
Yeah.
What age would you have been?
Name the other band members.
I don't mean the Spice Girls,
I mean the friends.
So... DAVID: Even I could name
the Spice Girls.
David, I don't think you could
name the Spice Girls.
Do it now. I think I could.
Go on, then. I might get...
"I might get some of them wrong."
LAUGHTER
I might not know all of them
but, you know...
Let's see you try, then.
Geri Halliwell.
Yeah. That was Ginger Spice.
Yes. Victoria...
She wasn't Victoria Beckham
initially, but she is now.
And she was Posh Spice. Yes.
Can I do the others later? No.
LAUGHTER
Uh, Emma Bunton, Baby Spice.
Yay! She's been on this programme.
That's right. Well remembered.
Who were the others?
Mels B and C.
Yes, well done!
APPLAUSE
Did you do any gigs?
We'd perform at break times
and we'd have a massive crowd.
All the dinner ladies would watch
and we'd stand on the steps...
LAUGHTER
That's a good sign, cos
they've got places to go, so...
And we'd perform and we'd get
the biggest round of applause.
When you say perform,
were you singing or miming?
We were singing.
Now, Charlotte's not allowed
to make a sound,
but you could give us a quick blast.
No!
Of what?
What do you think?
Oh, no. No!
Imagine the dinner ladies
are watching.
LAUGHTER
Should I do the rap from Wannabe?
Yes, that'd be nice.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We can be the other band members
a bit for you.
Oh...
LAUGHTER
Are you out of your mind?!
LAUGHTER
So maybe if you two look
like you're just
sort of jamming with me?
LAUGHTER
No, no, that is off the table.
♪ So here's the story from A to Z
♪ You want to get with me,
you better listen carefully
♪ We got Em in the place,
who likes it in your face
AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME
♪ You got G like MC
who likes it on a
♪ Easy V doesn't come for free,
she's a real lady
♪ And as for me, ha-ha,
you'll see. ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I just want to die!
That was... That was very good.
I remember that, now you do it.
So you said something
about Charlotte leaving?
She was fired. Fired?
Yeah. How so?
Well, Charlotte was Ginger Spice.
And I'll never forget that day, Rob,
when I got home and I heard the news
that Geri Halliwell
had left the band.
It broke me. I was gutted.
And obviously I couldn't get
to Geri, so the next day I went in
and fired Charlotte.
LAUGHTER
Cos she was our Ginger Spice.
Oh, wow! I was fuming. I was fuming.
If this is true, you're
an awful human being.
LAUGHTER
How did she take it, Richie?
I think... I remember just,
like, stomping around the school,
like, "Where is she?" And then...
And then I saw her in assembly,
and I was like, "You're out."
KATHERINE GASPS
But, you know, that's showbiz.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I tell you what, Richie,
if you wanted to apologise
to Charlotte, you could do it now.
There'll be a permanent
record of it.
I'd just like to say that you
were a crucial part of that band,
and I was just being vile,
and I'm so sorry.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Genuinely.
And I hope you found happiness.
LAUGHTER
All right. Who would
you like to quiz next?
Uh, Katherine, remind us again.
This is Charlotte, and she was
responsible for the safe return
of my missing goldfish.
And when did your goldfish
go missing?
Well, I didn't actually realise
the goldfish had gone missing.
Um, Charlotte and I are
on a neighbourhood WhatsApp.
She put on the WhatsApp
that her cat, um,
had brought home
a fish in its mouth.
We've got a very small pond
with... five fish.
And I asked her to send me
a photograph of the fish up close.
Was the fish returned back
to you alive or dead?
Alive, which was extraordinary.
Oh, wow.
How long was it
out of the water for?
Well, I don't think it would
have been very long, because...
Was the cat carrying it
in a plastic bag
like he'd won it at the fairground?
LAUGHTER
With a pair of pants
in there as well.
Charlotte did return him
in a plastic bag.
How far away does she live from you?
Probably about a two-minute walk.
How big is the pond?
Not very big. You keep on
saying it's a tiny pond.
How small's small?
Or how big?
It's the same question, isn't it?
What is size?
LAUGHTER
If you were to step into the pond,
whereabouts in your body
would it go up to?
Er...
LAUGHTER
It's a really personal question.
Or as David would say,
"How deep is it?"
LAUGHTER
It would depend what
footwear I was wearing.
Imagine you're barefoot.
How far up before you get
an algae line?
To my sort of breast area?
That's... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's deep.
If a pond is going up to your
breast area,
That's a deep... That's a deep pond,
Katherine.
I'd say probably my waist area.
LAUGHTER
Right.
Oh, dear.
Is it lined?
It's... Is it what? Lined.
Yes, it's lined, yes.
You got a pump?
Have I got a pump?
Have you got a pump?
Personally, a pump?
Have you got a pump?
A breast pump?
Not a breast pump.
LAUGHTER
Have you...? That would be
an odd question!
If I had a flat tyre and
I knocked on your door and said,
"Sorry, have you got a pump?"
And you went, "What, a breast pump?"
I would go, "You're very odd,
aren't you?"
LAUGHTER
Is the pond pumped?
Yes! Of course it's pumped.
But I'm... It's very excited!
It's being talked about
on television.
Right. OK, Lee, what about
David's claim?
David, remind us
of your relationship.
This is Charlotte,
and she crashed her Lime bike
when she saw me take my top off.
Where were you, David?
I was walking along the pavement
near my house in London.
Right. Were you on your own?
I was. What were you wearing, David?
I might have been wearing shorts.
Short trousers. You, in shorts?
Yeah.
And what is covering up
that manly chest of yours?
A short-sleeved shirt.
Do you wear T-shirts ever?
Uh, not very often.
Why not?
Because I'm very, very formal.
Are you? Yes.
Formal from the waist up.
But relaxed from the waist down.
From the waist down,
I'm positively familiar.
LAUGHTER
OK. Why did you take your top off?
Because I was being
attacked by a wasp.
Of course.
But why...?
But did it go up the shirt?
Yes.
Why didn't you just sort of
do that and waft it out?
Just because the wasp
was just nearby
and I thought I would frighten it
with my bare torso.
So you took your top off. Yeah.
Now, talk us
through... Charlotte's...
What did she crash into?
A car.
Oh, a moving car?
No. A very unemotional car.
Right, OK.
Erm, but, no, a stationary car.
Talk us through what happened
after she's crashed the bike.
Well, she's... By this point,
I've got my shirt back on,
to everyone's...
The wasp has gone.
I don't know where the wasp's gone,
to be honest.
We tried to get the wasp
on the show,
but it was unable... to be contacted.
So she's... she's hit the back
of a parked car. Yeah.
And I noticed this happening,
and I go over
and I'm very, very nice.
Are you? Yes, in general, but
specifically on this occasion.
Did you swap numbers
afterwards, then?
Er, well, she asked for a photo,
and she said... But she...
I then started to take
the shirt off.
She said, "No, no, no."
"Keep it on."
And she took a photo,
and I must say,
opportunist that I am, I did think,
"Oh, maybe this is one
for the programme," you know?
Oh, I thought that thought
that was going to end with,
"Opportunist as I am..."
Yeah.
"I said, 'Do you like
a Wetherspoons breakfast?'"
You see... Which isn't a euphemism.
All right, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team... Wow.
...is Charlotte Richie's
snubbed singer,
Katherine's fishy friend,
or David's stunned cyclist?
So who are we ruling out?
Let's rule someone out.
Yeah. Oh, definitely Katherine.
We'll rule Katherine out?
I think so.
It's a long time to survive out
of water in a cat's mouth. Yeah.
Unless the cat's mouth
was very wet.
Now, what about Richie
and The Spice Mix?
The thing about his story which
makes it the most plausible to me
is that he managed to do that rap.
I mean, we could probably all do
a bit of Ice Ice Baby,
but we weren't Vanilla Ice
tribute acts, were we?
That's a very good point.
And David?
I don't think David wears shorts.
Hang on. David... Yes?
Wait. You've got a fly in your...
It's gone now.
You see, this can happen.
Insects, you know...
Take your top off!
Weirdly, I think the clapping dinner
ladies is the most plausible story.
Yeah. It's the detail of
the clapping dinner ladies. Yeah.
So? It's Richie.
You're saying it's Richie. OK.
Charlotte, would you please
reveal your true identity?
Hi, I'm Charlotte,
and Richie fired me
from his Spice Girls tribute band.
Yes, Charlotte is Richie's
snubbed singer.
Thank you very much, Charlotte.
Which brings us to our final round -
Quickfire Lies.
And we start with...
It's... Lee.
Once, whilst house-sitting
for my friend on his farm,
I had to leap out of bed
in the middle of the night
and deliver a litter of piglets.
Aww! David's team.
It's sweet that, innit?
Sweet story.
DAVID: Yeah, it's a lovely story.
It is. House-sitting for a friend
of yours on a farm? Yeah.
And he woke me up in the middle
of the night and said, erm...
I thought you were house-sitting.
What? Yeah, good point.
If you're house-sitting,
he won't be there.
No, no, he... he...
I was house-sitting.
Yes.
But he'd been called in the night.
Erm, and I wasn't answering
the phone.
Sorry, just going back a bit.
Yeah. Right, whose house
are you house-sitting in?
I was house-sitting for a friend.
And this house is a farm?
It's a farm, and someone else
lives on the farm. Right.
And he couldn't... He phoned me.
But why is he trying
to get through to you?
Because he's heard that the piglets
are going to give birth.
The piglets are going to give birth?
The pigs, the pigs.
How did he hear that?
Did the pig ring him?
The pig can't...
"That guy you've got up at
the house, he isn't picking up.
"Can you try ringing him?"
I've never said this in 18 years,
but I will say it -
can I start again?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
The truth is, I'm on a farm,
I'm house-sitting for my friend
on the farm.
Who's a farmer.
He's a farmer, yes.
Where is he, by the way?
He's gone on holiday.
He's on holiday?
Yes.
Right, what happens next?
I don't know.
He sits by the pool, he has a drink.
How'd you get to the situation
where you deliver the pigs?
So, I'm in the house,
and there's a guy who's just nothing
to do with the farm whatsoever.
He's just renting a small bungalow
at the end of the farm.
Right. Now, I am asleep.
RICHIE LAUGHS
Right? Yeah.
And the pig has gone into labour.
Yeah.
And the guy who rents
the bungalow... Yeah.
...has heard a noise,
and he rings the man, doesn't he?
The farmer. Right.
And he says, right, "I'll ring
my mate who's house-sitting,
"see if he can deal with it."
But he can't get through to me.
Why? Because my phone
has not got any battery.
Why can't the guy
in the bungalow deal with it?
Because he hasn't got a charger.
So when was this?
I would say I was about 23.
So that's about 40 years ago.
No, it was 2023.
When they had mobile phones.
So it was... it was...
So it wasn't...
...40 years ago.
It was just recently.
He's peaked through the sty
and he's seen the sow.
I know all the words.
I've seen Charlotte's Web. Right.
He sees one bit of a piglet
coming out.
So then bungalow guy has
to go up to the farmhouse
and ring on the doorbell?
Correct. He says,
"I think the sow is giving birth.
"Either that or one of the smaller
pigs is playing hide-and-seek."
So what happened?
Well, the pig was in distress.
Not this dress - in his own dress.
The pig was in...
The pig was in distress. OK.
And, erm...
Rubber gloves?
Er, I don't know what his name was.
And, er...
Her. Her name.
Her. Very important point here.
So, immediately, I go in and,
by this point, erm, two of them
are already out, and there's
another one trying to get out.
DAVID: Right.
And that's where I step in.
Did you pull it? I didn't get off
with it, if that's what you mean.
Did you pull the tail?
I did. Pulled the little...
No, not the tail.
I pulled him by his little trotters.
Oh, like that?
I just did that.
Slowly coaxed, coaxed out
the trotters like that.
Slowly, slowly, slowly.
Are you pulling or are you
are you milking the sow?
No.
I'm slowly... Cos you don't...
The first rule of getting a piglet
out of a sow is,
you don't do that, do you?
No, no, no, cos he might be holding
on to the other one like that.
Then you've got them all coming
out at once,
and you can't deal with that.
It's too much stress, you know?
I mean, I was frazzled,
which is not the right word to use.
And I was... I was pulling,
I was pulling, I was pulling,
I was pulling and...
HE POPS
Out. That one comes out.
So I've got this one out.
So, immediately,
put it onto my breast.
I didn't.
I did not lactate
or breast-feed the piglet.
Once it was all done and dusted,
how many piglets?
There was 14. 14 piglets.
Yeah. Did they name any of
the piglets after you or anything?
Cos that's amazing, what you did.
Thank you very much.
Did you get a plaque or anything?
Do you know what?
Genuinely, gave me a pig.
Gave me one of the pigs.
What have you called it?
I can't remember now
because I didn't keep it very long,
I'm afraid.
Oh. I was, erm...
Well, there's only one word
I can think of - peckish.
So, erm, Richie,
what are you thinking?
I can't get on board with it.
I think there might be
some inaccuracies.
I think it's a lie.
Catherine?
Well, I mean, obviously
it's a lie, but it was really...
I was really there with you, though.
Were you? Yeah.
That's funny, cos I wasn't.
Let's go for a guess.
DAVID: Our guess is that it's a lie.
ROB: They're guessing it's a lie.
Lee, was it a lie,
or was that actually true?
It was, in fact, a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Lee wasn't a pig's midwife.
KLAXON
That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.
And I can reveal that David's team
has won by three points to two.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.
Goodnight.
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