18x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show that separates
the truth from the twaddle.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
he is comedy royalty -

it's Harry Hill.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get out of here.

And she won the Euros,

she won the jungle,

she's the one and only Jill Scott.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,

he's a musician, artist,
and like me,

a style icon,

it's Kojey Radical.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And she's here
to sort your life out -

Stacey Solomon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We begin with round one,
Home Truths,

where our panellists read out

a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

Stacey is first tonight.
Oh, God.

LAUGHTER
OK.

I nearly broke up with my husband

while he was trying to propose
to me.

LAUGHTER

Lee's team.

Well, this show's taken a turn,
hasn't it?

We all know, but you're married
to the mighty Joe Swash.

Aw, he is mighty.

A mighty pain in my...

No, I'm joking.

First of all, when was this?

It was a Christmas Eve, and...

I actually couldn't tell you
the year. That's terrible, innit?

Oh, that's right, it was lockdown.

It was lockdown,
and we were in the house,

and we used to go
for our daily walk.

Yeah.
Yeah.

So we'd go to the woods
by our house, right?

Hey, hey, steady now.

This is not Loose Women.

Then this one day, on Christmas Eve,
while I was in the thick of being

really busy, he was like, "We've got
to go on our daily woods walk,"

and I was like, "Can't that wait?
We can do it tomorrow.

"It's Christmas Eve."

But anyway, we went on a walk,
and through the woods,

there was, like,
all these flowers laid out,

so I said,
"I think someone has passed."

Passed over? Oh, you mean
laid out in cellophane?

Laid out, like, these faux,
white, beautiful flowers

all across the woods. Right.

And then he said,
"Let's go and have a look."

I said, "What the hell
is wrong with you?

"Like, I'm not walking
through that."

And he was like, "No, come on,
let's just get a closer look at it."

I was like, "You are actually
disgusting." Can I just stop you?

If this is a lie,
there's a hell of a lot of detail.

He kept saying, "We've got
to go and have a look,"

like he was being really nosy
about somebody else's, like,

terrible thing that had happened.
And then I said to him,

"I don't know if I can be with
a person like you, who just..."

Wow.

"..who gets off on
someone else's misfortune."

So I went over with him, reluctantly,

and was expecting a shrine
of some kind,

but it wasn't a shrine.

It was, Joe had put the flowers
out to propose to me on.

Was there anything written in the
flowers or he got down on his knee?

No. I think his mistake was not
having anything written in it,

cos if it had said "marry me,"
I'd have got it straight away.

That's quite a lot of flowers
to write that.

You wouldn't have been able to see
that from a distance, would you?

Well, it could be a big one,
couldn't it?

Like what they put in a funeral car.

Yeah, a funeral florist, they'd be
glad of a more upbeat commission.

"At last, something positive!"

It was actually a commemoration
to Mary Mea,

and he just changed
the letters quickly.

So he got down on one knee,
and I was like, "Oh, sugar."

Like, we'd had a full-blown row
on the way to this proposal,

and, genuinely, it was hit and miss.
Oh, no.

And I did say yes in the end, obviously.

Well, of course, it was lockdown.

You weren't going to meet
anyone else. Exactly.

What about your family?
How did they react?

My dad actually was hidden
in the bushes with a camera.

Joe had contacted your dad
and said, "Hide in the bushes"?

No, he was there by chance.

What time of day?

Four-ish.

Well, hang on,
it's getting dark, right?

Yes, it was dusky.

So he's asking you to walk
in the woods when it's...

Why hasn't he used an earlier time
to get a good photograph?

I think because I moaned so much
about going on this walk.

I'm just thinking about your dad.

How long was he
lurking in the bushes for?

If it was dark,
was your dad able to flash?

The camera?

I think you knew
what you were doing there, Jill.

No, did it have a flash on?

We're not at home to smut
and innuendo on this show.

What do you reckon, Jill?
Is she telling the truth?

Erm... I think sometimes,
when you're telling a lie,

you over-elaborate a bit.

You splurge too much information.
Yeah. Yeah.

Harry?
I think it's a lie.

I think if you were
going to do that,

you'd wait for Christmas Day,
wouldn't you?

I think it's a close one,
but a lie, I think.

LAUGHTER

Right.

Yeah, it's not easy
having first-time guests on.

Do people come on twice?

Well, not this time, they won't.

I'm joking.

Something tells me this
might be the truth,

but I think I'll go
with my team and say,

yeah, she just made up that story.

LAUGHTER

I mean, bearing in mind we only
asked one question and off she went.

If this is a lie, I'm going to
put it in for an Academy Award.

Stacey Solomon, were you
telling us the truth

or were you telling us a lie?

It was...

...true.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!
No way!

Yes, it's true, Stacey did nearly
break up with her husband

mid-proposal.

Jill, you're next.

OK, here you all go.

I was sick into the FA Cup.

LAUGHTER AND GASPING

David's team.

Were you?!

For the love of God, say yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I actually was.

That's a very good
follow-up question.

In what circumstances?

So, basically, we'd just won the FA
Cup, and then people do that thing

where they pour the champagne
into the FA Cup.

Who is "we," Jill?

Manchester City. Manchester City,
right, OK. Yeah, Manchester City.

I take a sip
of this champagne stuff,

and I brought it back up
into the FA Cup.

Did they sing a song like...

♪ We like to drink with Jill

♪ Cos Jill is our mate

♪ And when we drink with Jill

♪ She downs her drink in

♪ Eight, seven, six, five... ♪

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
♪ ..four, three, two, one. ♪

Yeah!
Yay! Sick.

And then the...?
Yeah. And then I was sick, yeah.

Are we the only two that go out?

Yeah, I've never heard that song.

That's also new to me. Yeah,
I've never heard that in my life.

Well, you know what
the worst thing was?

The person who got the second swig.

That is it.

I didn't tell the girls.

Oh!
GROANING

I know, because then
they were passing it round...

This wasn't a full vomit?

This was more like a
short-term regurgitation.

Yeah, but I was a bit sick.

Did it go down the wrong hole?

No, it definitely went down
the right hole.

I think the part
that makes me suspicious

is I believe Jill's a really nice
person, and she'd be like,

"Oh, I've just puked in that."

Is that your definition
of a nice person?

What do you reckon, Kojey?

I reckon you did it.

It's like the end of EastEnders.

I think lie.
You think lie.

So it's up to me.
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I reckon that's true.

Jill, was it true?
They think it was.

Or was it a lie?

So it was...

...a lie.

APPLAUSE
Good work.

Yes, it was a lie.

Jill wasn't sick into the FA Cup.

Harry, you're next.

When I was a doctor, I accidentally
sent two patients for procedures

they didn't need because
I'd got their forms mixed up.

LAUGHTER

Oh, so each other's form?

The test that they needed,

I put the wrong one
on the wrong person.

That's what I thought.

Because, in fact, you've rather
understated your crime,

because not only did you give
them tests they didn't...

"Crime" is a very strong word.

OK, I'll commute that to "act of
gross professional misconduct."

Yes, please.

It was a very different time, David.

How long ago was this?

Well, I wasn't a doctor for long.

No.

LAUGHTER

Probably for the best.

What kind of doctor were you?

I was a junior doctor.

I would get patients ready
for the operation,

and I would assist the surgeon
with the operation.

What tests were they?

There were two patients, and one
required an X-ray of their neck.

Right.

And then the other one
required a barium enema.

A what?

What's a barium enema?

So that is where you squirt a
radiopaque dye into the, er...

...an*s. I'll say the word.

Were you like this as a doctor?
"I'll say the word. an*s!"

One of them had a barium enema
they didn't need,

but also didn't have
the neck X-ray they did need?

I then had to sort of correct that,

so they ended up having
two tests each instead of one.

Well, hold on.

Someone went in, right,
for a neck X-ray

and happily laid down
and had an enema...

LAUGHTER

...just because it said it
on the sheet?

LEE: That is a hell of a blockage!

I never used the word "happily."

But how did they not question that?
Did they not say...?

Well, they wouldn't have understood

a technical phrase
like "neck X-ray."

They'd have no idea what that means.

The lady who required the neck X-ray
and got the barium enema said to me

she was impressed at
how thorough I'd been.

What?

Yeah.

Did it help, these extra tests?

Did you find anything up this
lady's bum or this man's neck...

LAUGHTER

...that could have saved him
in the future?

No. Fortunately, those were normal.
They were normal tests.

So neck lady had a perfectly
healthy bottom,

and bottom guy's neck was A-OK?

Did you, at any stage, come clean
to these, patient A and patient B?

Of course not.

All right, what are you
thinking, then, Kojey?

That's impossible, man!

I can't go for a neck X-ray
and get something in my bum-bum.

Crazy.

Stacey?

I couldn't tell you
what it was like in those days.

No, exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly, Stacey, it was a different
time. It was a different time.

What year?

This would have been 1988.

What was it like then?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, I mean,
it was a different time, you know.

But, yes, I think doctors
carry a lot of authority.

Yeah. And who do you complain to?

You know how difficult it is
to get to see a doctor at all.

Yeah, they won't want to see you
again if you just complain.

You don't want to be known as a pain
in the arse or a pain in the neck.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, so what are
we going to say, David?

I think it could have happened,
but, equally... Really?

Yeah. Why?

Well, honestly, I fear for people
who grew up in that time.

Well, if you two are both convinced
it's a lie, I won't overrule you,

cos it definitely might be a lie.

All right, then. So, Harry,
was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

...true.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true,
Harry did send two patients

for procedures they didn't need.

Our next round is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest Adam.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Jill, what is Adam to you?

So this is Adam,

and when he sold me a car,

he actually gave me £1,000 off
if I did some football skills.

Harry, how do you know Adam?

This is Adam, and together,
we set up a business

selling home-made expl*sives.

And, finally, Lee, what is
your relationship with Adam?

This is Adam. I had him disqualified
from a knobbly knees competition

after discovering he was
using bulldog clips

on the back of his knees.

So there we have it.

David's team,
where will you begin?

Jill, £1,000 off a car.

What was the car?

A Mercedes A-Class.

How much was it?

So I had a budget of £20,000,

and it was 21.

When was it, Jill?
Is this a recent thing?



I use Adam quite a lot for cars.

And then, basically,
I looked at him like,

"Come on, Adam,
do us a bit of a deal."

He sort out all the Man City
girls through me,

so, basically, he was like, "Right,
if you get this ball in this boot

"of a car, I'll give you £1,000 off,

"but can I video it
for the Mercedes promotion?"

£1,000 to do an advert for Mercedes?

Yeah.
You've been had.

This is quite like a Mercedes advert
now, isn't it? Yeah.

BMW, Vauxhall, Skoda, Jaguar,
Land Rover, Volkswagen and Audi.

There we are. Erm...
LAUGHTER

Pogo sticks, milk floats, buses.

Just wanted to use all transport cos
I didn't want anyone missing out.

Penny-farthing.

Waiting for a tectonic plate
to move underneath you.

That's the review for this show, innit?

Are you a car guy, Kojey?

Electric cars, yeah.
Ooh, nice.

David doesn't even drive, Kojey.

Yeah, I know, he told me earlier.

Do you not?
No.

How do you get around?

Literally just wait for
a tectonic plate to move.

Straight onto it.

Did he not just offer you it for 20
if you brought all the girls in

for the team... I know. ..and you
kept buying cars off him for the

last ten years, and he still
made you do something...?

KOJEY: Yeah, little bit stingy,
I'm not going to lie.

If this is true, I'm not happy.

LAUGHTER

He was trying to get us
to bring David Silva in for ages.

I brought all the girls in and he
wanted one of the male players.

And it wasn't enough?
No, wasn't enough.

Ugh, what a misogynist he is.

Yeah. No, he is a great guy, though.

I don't think he is,
not the way you're describing him.

One thing I will say, before we move
on, she was reluctant

to slag Adam off, which is often a
sign that she genuinely knows him.

And I am due a new car, so...

LAUGHTER

Well, if you do know him, Jill,
what's his surname?

Lowe, but with an E. L-O-W-E.

Adam Lowe?
Yeah.

OK.

L-O-W-E.

You going to write it down?

I thought about it,
but then I realised...

You don't need a car. Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Harry, what's his surname?

Starkey.
Starkey.

Starkey?
No further questions.

So, sorry, a home-made
expl*sives business? Yeah.

When was this?

Well, this was some time ago, and...

Was it for the w*r?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It wasn't for the w*r.

I'm not that old, Stacey,
for crying out loud.

Were you a child?

I was about 11.

So yes.

Who were you mixing with at 11?

Well, Adam... Starkey.

Bit of a pause before
"Starkey" there, wasn't there?

There were three of us initially. Patrick...

One of them died.

No. No, business got so lively that
we had to take on a fourth person.

Neil.

OK, so it's Neil,
Patrick, Adam and...

Can you give us any clue as to
the nature of the expl*sives?

Yeah, so it was fireworks.

We made small expl*sives
and fireworks, yeah,

to sell to children.

How did you learn to make fireworks?

Adam Starkey told me.

You couldn't find stuff out back
then, but somehow we managed to find

the recipe for, erm, gunpowder.

In a library or...?

It would have been...

From his mate Guy.

It was a long time ago.

It would have been in a book.

How did you obtain the ingredients
for gunpowder?

Well, two of the ingredients,
you could buy them from the chemist,

and there was a chemist in
Staplehurst, where I grew up.

Er, hi, everyone.

And, erm...

Big up to the Medway Posse.

And, erm...

And so we could get our hands
on two of the ingredients.

And then there's
the other ingredient

you can't so easily obtain.

Patrick's auntie got hold of it. Right.

Did you grow up in a wealthy area?

Like, how did you buy
these ingredients?

Had you had a business prior
that you'd saved up from,

and you were able to invest
into the new business?

"I'm looking for £50,000 for 10%..."

"..of my business."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, we had, you know, we had jobs.

You know, I had a job anyway.
At 11?

Yeah.
What was your job?

Road sweeping.
All right.

Who was your, like, main customer?

I was 11, so, you know,

our target would be ten-year-olds.

And how much money did you make?

Well, we made about a pound.

Hang on, hang on.

But back then,
that was like 1,000 now.

Yeah, it was about 1,000.

What about Lee?

OK.
Remind us, Lee, of your claim.

This is Adam Lowe-Starkey.

Double-barrelled.
LAUGHTER

I got him disqualified
from a knobbly knees contest when

I discovered he was using bulldog
clips on the back of his legs.

Where did you place?

Well, I was second,
and he was first.

I was going to let it go, but cos
I was second and he was first,

and he was cheating,
I thought I'd make an issue of it.

Where was this, Lee?
Where was this?

Between the waist and the feet.

Where was the contest taking place?

My daughter's school.

Oh.

Hang on, hang on.
I haven't got a daughter.

Your daughter's school
held a knobbly knees competition?

Why?

A word that you don't get
involved with, David - fun.

Is there a particular occasion
that it was part of?

School fete.
School fete?

Just the usual thing - tombolas,
coconut shies, knobbly knees.

It was an old-school theme.

How many entered the
knobbly knees competition?

There were, I think, about eight,

so 16 knees in total.

OK.

No, 15 - there was a guy
that used to be a pirate.

Describe how it happens.
I've never been to a...

Well, he was fighting, trying
to get some gold from a ship,

and they attacked him,
and he wasn't having it,

and they cut his leg off.

No, the knobbly knees competition.
Oh, sorry. Sorry. Yes.

So we're all lined up and they said
third place was Sheila or whatever,

second place, Lee... Oh.

Yeah. That's fine.

First place is, erm...

Adam.
...Adam.

LAUGHTER

Who had judged it, by the way?

The children.
The children? Which children?

Seven children.
Do you need their names?

No, but how were they selected?

I'd say randomly.

But how do seven children
judge a knobbly knee competition?

Cos they all have to agree.

There's got to be a third place,
second place, first place

that seven children have to...

How is this organised?
This is a nightmare.

There were seven children,
seven children...

It might not have been seven.

It might not have been seven! All
right. I asked a simple question!

I was guessing seven
cos one of them looked happy,

one was a bit grumpy...

Roughly seven.

Why are you so obsessed
with the judging?

Who was announcing? He had bulldog
clips on the back of his legs!

Why are you worried
about the admin?!

Who was saying who won?

The seven kids got together...

What, in chorus? All speaking
at once like they're possessed?!

Who said "in third place, Sheila"?

Who said it?!

The teacher!

The teacher! Which teacher?

You were sent an email about this!

You're not allowed to treat me
like this any more!

I went to HR about this!

Stop.

I don't know!

All right, well, we need...

Will you have some emotion?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, we need an answer.

So, David's team, is Adam
Jill's stunned salesman,

Harry's mischievous mate,
or Lee's crafty competitor?

Well... He looks like he
could be a car salesman.

Although if we say that,
then that's a lot of time

we've wasted talking about...

LAUGHTER

...talking about
knees and expl*sives.

I'd be actually a bit disappointed
if he's the car salesman,

and I think you could get
better deals elsewhere.

I've been getting my cars off him
for ten years.

Well, he's laughing
all the way to the bank, Jill.

He hasn't laughed once, to be...

What do you think?

I feel like the most
believable story is Jill's.

I think the most believable story
is Harry's.

Well, why don't you
split the difference?

Cos no-one's got knees
baggy enough for a bulldog clip.

And that's your trailer.

Feel the back of your knee

and just have a think
about that for a second.

I could absolutely
get a bulldog clip round that.

OK, let's make a decision.

OK. You're sticking with Jill?

Yeah.
You're sticking with Harry?

Yeah, cos... Yeah.

We're going Jill.
You're saying it's Jill.

Oh, what the hell?!
The discount...

Well, I've got to go with one or
the other! Or we could go Lee.

But you've went with one twice
and with the other zero times.

Do you feel I've gone with
your opinion less often?

Well, you have. I don't feel it,
it's a fact. Is it a fact?

LAUGHTER

You're quite right.
You're quite right.

We're going with Harry.

And all I'm going to say
is it had better be him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Adam, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I am Adam Starkey,

and Harry and I set up
a home-made expl*si*n...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm so pleased!

Adam is Harry's mischievous mate.
Thank you very much. Adam.

My oldest friend.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

...it's Kojey.

I have diagnosed myself as suffering
from a condition I call HPS.

Right, Lee's team.

So the obvious question -

what does HPS stand for?

Erm, heavy pelvis syndrome.

Heavy pelvis syndrome.

Ah! Are you, er,
are you showing off?

Can you describe the symptoms?

I can't swim.

Right...
Because your pelvis is too heavy?

Bingo.

Which is why I feel like
this is cheeky

because it's, like,
I do suffer from this.

Do you know what I mean?
It's not self-diagnosed.

It's just diagnosed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
it's been diagnosed by a doctor?

Mm... I'm getting a
doctorate soon, so...

Yeah, I've got one of them.
They count for nothing.

No, no, they... No...

Don't ruin this for me.
Trust me, I've done it.

If they say on a plane, "Have we got
a doctor here?" and you put your

hands up, you're in for
a whole world of pain.

Did you try swimming when you
were younger? As a child?

I've drowned a few times, yeah.

Well, you haven't, have you?
LAUGHTER

Nearly drowned three times
as a result of HPS.

When was the first time?

I'm in the pool, in the middle,

and I've got a decision to make.

I can either walk back to the
shallow end stairs... Yeah.

...or walk towards the deep end.

And as I start to stroll, I feel,
like, an alarming amount of weight

from my pelvis.

How would you weigh the pelvis?

It's not about
how I weigh the pelvis,

it's about how the pelvis
weighs me down.

If you lie flat on the floor
and we were to lift your pelvis,

would we feel the weight?
Yeah, I think...

You want to lift me by my pelvis?

Come on, darling.
Come on, then.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you could lie flat on the ground,
though, please, sir.

We'll put your knees up.

One sec. You've to help me down.

Got to help you down?
Watch the pel...

Boom!

I'll tell you what,
that's a heavy pelvis.

Put your knees up.

I think that maybe we should
have a doctor in attendance. Yep.

If he puts his feet flat, we'll feel
the weight of the pelvis, won't we?

Yeah, but he won't
be able to lift...

LAUGHTER

KOJEY GRUNTS

Just relax.

Yeah, it's not...
Is it heavy?

It's quite a heavy pelvis, but I
think he might be forcing it down.

No. Help me up.

You need to compare it
to another pelvis, really?

You!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Erm...

Harry, you've had a chance
to examine the patient.

What would you recommend?

Well, I think you just need
some swimming lessons.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What's it going to be?
True. You say true.

It's made up. Of course it is.
It's a lie.

I'll go with Jill.
We'll say it's true.

But I would like to point out
I don't think he's got it. Right.

I think he believes he's got it.
OK. OK.

Kojey, truth or lie?

HPS is a real syndrome,

and it's true.

APPLAUSE

He did think a bit too quick.

It's true. Kojey has
diagnosed himself with HPS.

BUZZER

That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show,

and I can reveal that David's team
has two points

and Lee's team have three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE