17x11 - More Unseen Bits

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to a very
special edition

of even more unseen clips from
series 17 of Would I Lie To You?

Joining David Mitchell tonight
are Charlie Brooker,

Johnny Marr, Shazia Mirza,

Craig Charles, Kimberley Walsh,

Frankie Boyle and Will Mellor.

And joining Lee Mack tonight,

Jeremy Vine, Danny Jones,

Charlene White, Amy Gledhill,

Jessica Knappett, Sam Campbell

and Mo Gilligan.

We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths,

where our panellists
read a statement

from a card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction -

and Danny is first tonight.

Once, when they were
waiting for me outside a hotel,

I managed to sneak past
the paparazzi

by pretending to be
one of the paparazzi.

Ah. David's team.

So, where was the hotel?

Er, it was in London.

Which hotel in London?

Er, the Intercontinental.

I was there for about
seven months, actually.

Seven months? Yeah Why?

Waiting to get past the paparazzi.

Finally you built a camera
out of papier mache.

Yes!

Little bits of hotel breakfast
and the loo roll and the shampoo.

Why were you there for so long?

Er, it was where we wrote
the first album.

The record company put you
up in a hotel for s...

No record deal at this point.

The management did.

There was a lot of talk
about our band

and we were on the verge of signing
one of the biggest -

cos it was just me and Tom
at this time -

one of the biggest record deals
since U2.

Wow. Wow. With Island Records.

Which 2?

But you haven't released any
music at this point.

No. So why is the
paparazzi interested?

Because we were about to sign this
massive deal and it was talked up.

Cos we were signed to the same
management as Busted.

If you was in that hotel and you're
writing your album... Yeah.

..did you find the songs were all
about the buffet

and how slow the lifts were?

There was a song called Room on the
Third Floor... I love that song.

..about the room
and the air-con breaking.

Ah, Air-con Breaking,
that's my second favourite.

At what point did you come up with
this idea to get past the paparazzi?

Obviously we didn't want to get
caught going out,

either by the paparazzi
or by our management,

and I had a Canon camera,

so I exited the hotel
through the car park,

round the back,
and I joined the paparazzi,

pretending to be them,

distracted them saying that
we were over there and then ran off.

You actually spoke to them?

Well, I had to do a London accent
at the time,

cos they would have noticed.

Which sounded like?

LONDON ACCENT:
"They're over there, mate."

LAUGHTER

And they all thought,
"Oh, d*ck Van d*ke is here!"

You exited... Yeah.

..and then you went back to them?

I came out of the car park exit.

At which point you'd outwitted them.

Yeah, because I had, you know,

a coat on similar to what
they would wear, a black coat.

Yes, but I think the point
Charlie's making is,

they're all facing one door,
you've come out of the other door,

why did you not just
go about your business

rather than taking the huge risk

of adopting the persona
of a paparazzo...

That's a great point.
..trying out your London accent

for what must surely have been
the first time.

You know, Tom had to come out,

and he's got
quite a recognisable face,

so it's more me trying to distract
them from Tom.

Did you find it creatively
inspiring?

Um...well, we wrote
a song about the room.

Mm.

Can you imagine if you'd been
allowed to leave the room?

What an album! My God.

Right, time for a decision.

I think, I think that sounds
very plausible.

CHARLIE: He's been very specific
about this song, though.

Yes, was about to go, absolutely,
this is true,

but he mentioned the song again.

We'd heard it,
it was already in the plus column,

now it's moved to the minus column
because he's trying to persuade us.

Yeah, and why not...

And if it was the truth, he
wouldn't be trying to persuade us,

he'd be hoping
we didn't believe him.

He hopes we believe him,
hence he's a liar!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Danny, was it true
or was it a lie?

It was...

..a lie.

Ah!

Jeremy, you're next.

I recently sustained
a real world wound

in a virtual reality sword fight.

David's team.

What was the virtual reality?

Well, it's difficult to explain,
but you put something on your head.

Right. That you see
in three dimensions with,

and then you see another
world inside it -

and that's my hobby,
to inhabit that virtual world.

Jeremy, you are a grown man.

Yes, but we all need, we all
need our little hobbies, don't we?

And...

LAUGHTER

How did you sustain the wound?

In this virtual reality world,
I jumped out of a helicopter

and I was falling,
and I saw someone below me,

and I reached for a weapon.

When I hit the ground,
I went to attack them,

they turned and they had
a huge sword

and I fell against the mirror
and shouted.

Did you go to hospital?

No, but I had a bad bruise
on my arm.

How long have you been
doing this rather...

..I'm going to use the word,
juvenile activity?

For about a year,
since someone gave me this deck.

Let me get this right -
you go upstairs, you put on a mask,

and then at what point
do you call the wife?

Don't forget,
he's got to grab his sword as well.

But I was once on a squad,
so I went in with two other people

and I joined up with them,
and they were giggling

and one of them said,
"We think you might be Jeremy Vine,"

and I said, "Er, I am,
but please don't tell anyone,"

and they said, "Well, don't worry,

"the last game we had
was with Prince Harry."

Oh, right. So they dropped
into this, into this landscape

with a member of the royal family.

The last game they had
was with someone who said,

"Hello, I'm Prince Harry."

That's true.

And what, what was the name
of this team? Gullible United.

When I said I'd hit myself
on the mirror,

one of the players I was with said,
"Who was talking to you?"

And I said, "It's my wife,"
and he said, "What's a wife?"

So I think there may be some
quite sad people on this game.

Oh, there's no doubt about that,
Jeremy.

It's... It's just a hunch.

What do you think, Craig?

I can see Jeremy in his full Darth
Vader giving it rizz. Is that...

Is that genuinely how
he would like to spend

his small amount of free time?

He's a very busy man.

What do you imagine Jeremy
would be doing in his spare time?

Yeah. You know, like normal people,
watch TV.

Not everybody...

Well, let's hope, all of us,
let's hope.

Keep watching!

I, I, I think it's true.

Well, let's say it's true.

OK, Jeremy, you've convinced them,
they think it's true.

Was it the truth,
or were you telling a lie?

What I just told you was...

..true. Oh! Yes! Wow!

It's Frankie.

I once bought a telescope,

but became so overwhelmed
by what I saw through it,

I had to have a lie down.

Lee's team.

Wow.

First of all, when?

Um, about eight years ago.

What did you see that was
so overwhelming

that you had to have a lie down?

Space.

I'm terrified of space.

I looked at the night sky... Yeah.
..and I was utterly horrified.

By?

By this vast, endless array
of nothing.

Well, did you ever focus it towards
the moon or the stars?

I saw some stars
and I didn't like it.

Er, what?!
It was a mistake to look.

They were right to arrest Galileo.

We're this tiny planet, spinning
round this burning ball of gas,

in this infinite
hellscape of nothing.

Yeah.

And even that nothing is dying.

Yes. Do join us, 8:30,
Friday night on BBC One.

LAUGHTER

How long after the upset
of the telescope experience

did you have to have a lie down for?

Oh, for, like, hours.

And how long were you looking
through the telescope for?

Like, seconds.

Which window? Mm? Sorry, what?

Which...? Which window? Yeah.

Why do you want to know that?

Cos that's quite important.

You feel I'd be less
alienated by space

if I moved the telescope
to the bathroom?

What about you, Mo? Have you ever
looked through a telescope?

No, I've never looked
through a telescope.

Are we alone, Mo? Huh?
Are we alone?

I'm not trying to chat you up,
I'm saying... I was going to say...

..are we...are we alone
in the universe?

I think there's aliens
out there. Really?

Yeah, I think so. I reckon it's
probably just a bit of mould.

Right, it's time to take a guess.

Er, Lucy, what are you thinking?

I think he's lying.

Mm, all right.

Mo?

I think it's the truth.

I can imagine Frankie
just looking through it

and being like, "Oh, there's nothing
up there, forget that,"

and going to sleep,
do you know what I mean?

I...

LAUGHTER

Time to go for a guess.

Well, I think it's true.

OK, they think it's true.

Frankie, was it true
or was it a lie?

It is...

..true.

Oooh!

Shazia, you're next.

Every evening, I take a raw carrot
to bed with me

in case I get hungry in the night.

Lee's team.
I'm just glad it ended like that.

So, you take a raw carrot to bed
in case you get hungry.

I mean, just the one?

Er, yes, because, you know,

I...I believe in the
one of the five a day.

Yeah. And it's actually, you know,
one of my favourite vegetables.

What are the other four?

Well, I love aubergines, but they're
not really practical. Um...

LAUGHTER

In...

In the bedroom.

With a carrot you can have...

You can use it for many different
things in the bedroom.

Like what?

Well, you can eat it,

that's the first thing.
Yeah, that's the easy one.

I can use it to scratch my back.

Right.

I, I have used it...a few times
in the night,

when... Careful, Shazia, careful.

Just cos you're sitting
next to David Mitchell,

this needn't become a smut-fest.

Is it the same carrot?

No, because I eat a bit.

So... What do you store it on?

Is it stored on a plate, or is kept
in a vase or a receptacle?

DAVID: A vase?!
Like a - you could use like a...

You can't just put...
"All right, love,

"I've been to the greengrocer's.

"Where do you want the carrots,
in the vase?"

The story might fall apart if she
can't remember where,

what she keeps it in.
No, do you know what?

Norm... You, you've interviewed
some politicians, I can tell.

This is... Come on,
answer the man's question. Yeah.

Normally I'd have it on a piece
of kitchen towel, actually,

just by the side of my bed.
Right, OK.

Shazia, do you have a partner?

I do.

Does your partner take up hummus
or anything like that?

He, he...

You've made hummus
sound like an activity.

"I've taken up hummus!"
Like knitting.

"I'm taking up hummus
in my old age."

I'm starting to think this is true.

No, surely not.
I'm drifting. I know...

Is it? You wouldn't pick a carrot.

What would you have, then,
to see you through the night?

Oh, Toblerone.

I'd go for melon,
because the bite of a melon

doesn't wake the person next to you,
does it, in the dark...?

So you'd have to take
knife up to bed.

Take a knife - yeah.
If I've had a...

"Don't worry, love,
I'm just carving this melon."

I'm not going to lie,

I've had some one-night stands
where it has worried them.

So what are you going to say, Lee?

Is she telling the truth?

So, you think it's...
Well, do you know, I'm...

Incredibly,
I think it's actually true.

Look, if there's one thing
I know about Jeremy,

it's that he can get the truth
out of politicians,

and I... Don't put this on me.

No, no, listen, this is your whole
career at stake here.

It's already gone! If you're saying
you can spot a liar,

like you do with those politicians,

then you say truth or lie
and let it be on your career.

Go.

I'd probably go with Amy.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

Lie. You're saying it's a lie. Yeah.

OK, Shazia, are you lying or were
you telling the truth?

I was telling...

..a lie. Well done, Lee.

Well done.

Charlene, you're next.

Um, the first time I screen tested
to read the ITV News,

I was so nervous, I said
the first "bong" out loud.

David's team.

What's the context
for these screen tests?

So, you go to an initial interview

and then you have to do
a screen test.

Er, but they sort of get actors
and stuff

and you do a few interviews
with the actors,

but then you also
have to read the headlines

of which the bongs are involved.

They play in the bongs?

Well, yeah, cos you have to read
the headline sequence... Right.

..and it says,
"Bong, tonight on News at Ten..."

Blah, blah. But on the autocue,
is it like capital letters, "BONG"?

It does say, "Bong." It does!
It says, "Bong"? It says, "Bong"?

It says, "Bong"!
Well, they're asking for it, then!

They're asking for trouble.

WILL: How many bongs are there?

Er, depends on the programme.

Right. So, was there more than one
bong that -

did you realise?
Yeah, so I did it the first time...

Just the first. ..and then realised
where I'd gone wrong.

Did you not think, "I might as well
do all the bongs now,"

just go like you
meant to do it? Well, no,

because I wanted to
get the job, Will!

You're bringing something
new to the table.

You don't need Big Ben,
I'll do the bongs.

Well, it probably costs them
licensing the bongs -

they thought, "We could save
a bit here." Exactly, get her in.

"She does her own bongs!"
Yeah, my, my...

I thought it was the ten o'clock
news, so there would be ten bongs.

Yeah. No, cos then you wouldn't -

there'd be nothing left in the
programme.

Imagine that. "Bong...

"Man found in pond.

"Bong...

"Dad skateboards in Bletchley.

"Bong...

"Liz Truss does it again.

"Bong..."

I mean, I thought for years
it was the live bongs of Big Ben.

Yeah, I assumed it was
the live bongs.

No, it's not the live bongs.

You can't just stop doing stories

cos it's still bonging,
cos it's ten o'clock.

Yeah, but they didn't...
They'd do the news earlier

if there are only six stories.

"Oh, dear, only two stories today,
we'll have to do it after lunch."

What are you thinking, Kimberley?

Charlene, I want to know,
had you done any TV before this?

I'm actually rather offended.

LAUGHTER

Not before,
not before this evening.

What are we going to say then?
What do you think, Will?

Er, no, I think it's a lie.

I mean, how did you actually say it?

Did you make the noise like a bell?

"Bong."

I think you'd know in your heart

that wanting to be
a responsible newsreader on ITV,

the very last thing you should start
with was the noise "bong".

All right, so I think
you're saying it's a lie.

We're going with lie
on this occasion.

OK, they're saying it's a lie.

Is it a lie or is it true?

It's a lie.

Well done!

Johnny, you're next.

I won't perform onstage without
a particular thing in my pocket.

Oh, Lee's team.

I, I don't want to just ask straight
away, but I'll start by saying,

how long have you had this
thing in your pocket?

I've had one of these things,

cos it's changed ever
so slightly over time...

Right.

..since 1983.

OK, when was the first time you
had this thing in your pocket?

In 1983.

Yeah, but what was the, what was...?

You're not following this, are you?

When The Smiths
were playing at Dingwalls

and I was feeling like I needed to
feel a little bit more confident.

I'm quite... Well, I was a very
superstitious person,

and so I just said to my manager,

"Oh, but maybe put some money
in my pocket."

That old chestnut. Yes.

And all he had was a tenner,

which back then was... Yeah.
..three hundred quid.

Yeah, a lot of money.

And...so he loaned me the tenner
and I put it in my back pocket

and then we played the show, and the
show went off like gangbusters.

So, what was...
Was the thinking behind it

you wanted money in your pocket
so that you'd feel rich?

Was that it? Or...

Successful.
Success - with £10 in your pocket?

I'm from Manchester, yeah.

Oh, fair enough.

Several years later,
when I was in The Pretenders,

and we were opening for U2
on their Joshua Tree tour.

This is exciting, isn't it?
I know, it's great, isn't it?

I mean... We didn't get
this from Gyles Brandreth.

This time there was
100,000 people out there,

so I thought,
"I'd better up it a bit."

So one of my pals gave me
a $20 bill.

Hang on, as a massive fan
of The Smiths,

I've... I know, we've all
heard about why you split up,

but is the real reason that
it was going brilliantly well

and you put your hand in your...

You've... "Oh, I haven't got
my ten...

"We're splitting up tomorrow."

Cos if it is, I'll be livid.

Yes. Is that it?

And there was me thinking

it was because Morrissey
was a miserable git.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So what are you thinking? Sinitta.

If it's not true, than it's true
of someone that he knows,

do you see what I mean? Right, OK.

What do you reckon, Jo?
I believe it.

I think it might be true, as well.

So, Johnny, they think it's true.

Was it true or was it all a lie?

It is...

..true. Ah! Nice!

Amy, you're next.

OK.

I once accidentally flashed
the Queen.

David's team.

Are we talking about the
current Queen or the late Queen?

The late Queen. All right, OK.

Elizabeth. The better one,
let's be honest.

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
The best one, yeah, yeah.

It's certainly... It's...

Look, it's the one we'd all
have chosen to flash, right?

I mean...

How, how did that happen?

Um, I was in a dance competition.

If you won the competition,
you got to dance for the Queen

and...I had a costume malfunction.

What was the style of dance?

Just dance, just have a good dance.

It was like...

Really? It wasn't like... It was...

Was it like modern interpretive
dancing, that kind of stuff?

No, no, no. Was it like jazz
dancing? It wasn't that.

No, it was just have a good dance.

What was the Queen's role?

Was she a sort of a,
a Bruno Tonioli figure?

Was she judging the dancing?

She didn't hold up any paddles
or anything like that.

That would have been heart-breaking
after a flash, wouldn't it?

If she was like, "2,"
I'd be like, "Agh!"

Um, brutal. It'd be...

Official judgment on your private
parts from your sovereign.

So how long ago was this, Amy?

Um, it's when I was 17.

So, how long ago was that?

Well, let's say three years.

What city was this in?

It was at Beverley Racecourse,
which is just outside of Hull.

Can you show us some of your moves?

I'm just wondering if you can
show me the dance

that got you in front of the Queen.

What, right up until
the flashing bit as well?

Amy, you must feel under no
pressure to dance for Craig, please.

I'll... I'll show you just the...
So this is the move.

Just bust a few moves.

The move was, er, it was coming
down the stage like this...

You get it. Yeah. Just having,
just having a good time,

just dancing, having a good time.
I'm feeling it. Yeah.

And the costume was...
it was like off one shoulder,

so when I did this... Yeah.

..it popped out.

Right. Now, when...
when the mishap occurred...

Yeah. ..how long was the mishap
mis-happening until, until it...?

Can you stop holding it, Rob?

LAUGHTER

How long before things
corrected themselves?

Or did it pop back in?
Or what, what, what happened?

Sounds like a hernia!

No, it was, um...

I had to, I had to pull it back up.

Oh, and how long
before you noticed, then?

Well, obviously, this... Or did
the Queen have to point it out?

So what are we going to say, David?

We're going to say true.

Oof! So masterful.

Right.

They think it's true.

Amy was it true or was it all a lie?

It's...

..true. Yes!

It's David.

Aged ten, my mum and dad
let me go to a school disco

but put an alarm clock
in my briefcase...

LAUGHTER

..set to ring when it was time for
me to start saying my goodbyes.

Lee's team.

Well, I believe it,
but I don't think he was ten,

I think he was about 36.

Um, OK, what year was this?

Er, 1984.

Please tell me you're not dancing
with the briefcase in your hand.

No, no, I put, I put the briefcase
in the corner

on top of my folded coat.

So, how are you hearing the alarm
if it's in the corner?

Er, well, it was...it was quite...
It was one of those, um, big, er...

you know, old-fashioned metal
alarm clocks,

so it would have been,
you know, quite noisy.

So, just to clarify, there is
a mysterious package in the corner,

it's ticking... Yes, yes.

..and that's fine.
No-one's panicking. No. No.

Yeah. Is that what happened?

No, it... I actually
left before it rang.

Oh, God, why?

Because I wasn't enjoying
myself very much.

Why didn't your parents
just let you have a watch

and you just keep an eye on it?

They... I think they thought
I might, you know, get carried away

by the joyousness of the occasion
and lose track of time.

What, had they never met you?

LAUGHTER

How did you get home?
Kebab and taxi?

I was...

LAUGHTER

I, I was picked up.

By? My parents.

Well, actually, by my mother,

where the event was...
Oh, it's a horrible image, isn't it?

David's outside with his briefcase.

It's raining, he's left early,

Mum opens the back door he sits
there, they drive home quietly

and then, in the quiet,
the alarm goes off in the...

LAUGHTER

Can you hear him?

Oh, why?!

So, David and the alarm clock,
what do we think, Lee's team?

It certainly sounds plausible,
doesn't it?

Do you think it's believable?

Yes. I think it is.
I mean, yeah. 100%.

I actually... I'll go with my
team. I think it's a lie

but if you think it's true,
I'll go with you guys and blame you.

How about that?
You know David better than they do.

That's true. Yeah, you do.
I do know David better.

I've had David
round my house for dinner

and it always ends the same way

where, just as he's going like
that with the dessert,

you hear a bell and he goes,
"Goodbye."

"Mummy, I'm ready."

OK, David, they think it's true.

Do they? Is it true or was it a lie?

It was in fact...

..a lie. Oh!

Sam, you're next.

Oh, great.

When customers complained
about my behaviour in a supermarket,

I received a particularly
harsh punishment.

David's team.

Oh! Are we to infer that you were
employed by the supermarket?

I was an employee.

In what role?

Er, checkouts.

And what was it you did, then,
that upset them?

So, people would buy, like,
a roast chicken

that had been pre-cooked,
and then...

It's the only way you can get
a roast chicken.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Yeah.

..and it'd be in sort of a bag,
and when I would bag it,

I'd put it in the bag and then
I'd kind of give that a flick,

a little...just like kind of a
flourish before I put it down. Yeah.

Yeah. I was swinging the chickens.

Customers were complaining.

Sorry, so you're at the checkout.

Where are the...
the roast rotisserie chickens?

You don't acquire them
at the checkout, presumably.

No, people were buying them
and taking them to the checkout.

OK, so they arrive at the checkout.
In Australia, when people shop,

they get the stuff and then they
take it to the checkout

where you...you scan it
and then... Little - yeah.

I've read about supermarkets,
I know all that.

Um, it's your job on the checkout
to double bag the chickens.

Yeah.

Is there not a risk that
your swinging technique

might splatter juices, you know,
all over everyone?

No risk, no reward.

No risk, no reward.

You've got to risk it to get
the biscuit, brother.

The... What is the biscuit
in this analogy?

Just a splash of colour
in people's lives, you know?

They're eating this chicken,
they're sad.

So, to get a splash of colour,
the entertainment of that gesture,

you think the risk of essentially
splattering chicken fat

in a wide arc, it's worth it?

Did you say you had a strange
punishment?

This is not from the boss,
but the supervisor.

The circus was in town.

What? What?
The circus came to town.

The circus came to town.
I wasn't expecting that.

To advertise that,
someone with a monkey came,

and they were handing out flyers
outside of the supermarket.

Hang on, is this the same story?

Yeah. They... There's a monkey now!

I'm serious.

Come on.

OK, Sam, go on. So, everyone else
was taking their break

and they were going out to
look at the monkey and to admire it

and because I'd been up
to all this stuff with the...

I was not allowed to go on my break

to look at the monkey,
and never got to witness it.

Aw! I wanted to go out.

Everyone else said -
my friend came back and he goes,

"Ah, you wouldn't have wanted to
see it, it was covered in scabs."

And the boss and the supervisor,

I don't know
if I should even mention this,

they were having an affair and they
were going on cruise ships together.

They... They were having an affair?

Can I just tell you now, right,

in this show, if you're given
three different truths or lies,

spread them out throughout the show,

rather than thinking you've got to
do them all in one story.

The supervisor doesn't
like your chicken swinging.

He says, "We don't do that
kind of thing here."

And you said,
"Swinging? Yes, you do."

Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Wahey!

Right, it's time to go for
your guess, then.

Can we pass just this one?

Oh, yeah. We'll leave...

On Mastermind you can pass,
can't you?

You can't, you don't have them
sort of going, "No, guess!

"Guess who was the Emperor of China
in the 4th Century."

It's down to you, boss.
No, but that's... Ohhh!

It's down to you, mate.
I'm going true.

You're going to say...
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Ooh!

All right. They think it's true,
Sam.

Was it true or was it a lie?

It was, um, true.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's all we have time for

on this special edition
of Would I Lie To You.

Thanks very much for watching,
goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE