17x07 - Episode 17

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?",

the show where dishonesty
is sometimes the best policy.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

she's the queen of the Strictly
ballroom and the Traitors castle,

it's Claudia Winkleman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And comedian and star of Gogglebox
and I'm A Celebrity,

it's Babatunde Aleshe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

cult podcaster and stand-up comic,
it's Mike Bubbins.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And she's a comedy writer, an actor
from some of our best loved sitcoms,

it's Jessica Knappett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before

so they've no idea what
they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction,

and Claudia is up first.

OK.

For one episode of The Traitors,

I gave myself a fake tan
using gravy granules.

LAUGHTER

Lee's team.

Wow. OK.

Do you have a normal fake tan?

I didn't have it there,
because I was in the castle,

so what I thought was,
let's use something.

Was there a brand or
a type of gravy?

I don't think I'm allowed to say
a brand, but, yeah, granules.

What, cos you can't think of one?

Was it early on in the record,
was it the first episode?

It was not the first episode.

It was, I don't know, like ep five,

Round Table, in you go,
you know what I mean.

You're wearing tweed,
what do you need?

Correct. Granules.

What about the first four episodes?

The first four episodes,
it was quite sunny.

Ahh.

Oh, no, no, it wasn't.
No, it wasn't sunny -

erm...

LAUGHTER

What did you do for the first
four episodes?

This is very good. I had a spray.

Right. Like, I don't know why you're
like so obsessed with detail.

So this is the question.

It's so suffocating.
The spray... Like, be cool.

Be cool! Go with the wind.

You know... I went up, Traitors,
gravy granules, move on.

LAUGHTER

If you're ever up for a crime,
never talk like this in court.

Have you said where the gravy
granules came from?

Yeah, a shop.

Oh, weren't you in the middle
of nowhere, weren't you, up there?

Yes, but there are shops there.

Oh, this story is getting worse.

So you realised you haven't got
any stuff, and you go,

"Someone rush out and quickly
and get me some."

"We'll get you the stuff you
usually..." "No, no, no, no, no."

Just for no reason whatsoever,

"Don't rush out and get the stuff
I usually use,

"Get gravy granules,
just on the off chance it's good."

Surely that story works if you
happen to have them on you. Oh...

You're not going out for them.

Everyone stop speaking!

LAUGHTER

There you go, look what you're
doing now with your hair,

why didn't you just do
that on the show instead?

LAUGHTER

What do you think, Jessica?
Does this strike you as true?

Yes. I mean, whatever you think.

If this is true I will never believe
anything anyone says ever again.

What do you think, Mike? Is it true?

I'd love to believe it.
I think it's probably untrue though.

Makes it easy for you, Lee.

It just all hinges on the
one thing.

"You need to rush out, please,
and get me some gravy granules,"

was the bit where it faltered.

And everything else you said.

LAUGHTER

So you're saying it's a lie? 100%.

OK, they quite conclusively
think it's a lie.

Was it a lie or were you actually
telling the truth?

It is...

..true.

No!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No! This is insane.

It's very good. It really works.

Yes, it's true.

Claudia did give herself
a fake tan using gravy.

Jessica, you're up next.

I hated my boyfriend's
moustache so much

I got him drunk one night,
then shaved it off while he slept.

Mike, I'm so sorry.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

So, er, when was this?

It was about, well, 15 years ago.

And are you still together? No.

LAUGHTER

What kind of moustache did he have,
was it the one that curls up,

or was it like his?

The problem I had with it was
that it wasn't a proper moustache.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

If I may say, it was almost as
if we were competing.

LAUGHTER

Got it. Got it.

Was it a dry shave or did you try
and, like,

put a little bit of water, or...

I think she's pushing her luck
if she's going to lather him up.

LAUGHTER

Anything for the weekend, sir?

Hot towels.

He was quite a heavy sleeper. Right.

Why did he decide to grow it?

Because he thought it looked
cool and manly.

He's right, he is right.

LAUGHTER

Mike's moustache is a thing to be
looked at in awe.

Would you have been happy with that?
That's a proper moustache.

Thank you. That's a sort of New York
Police Department

moustache, isn't it?

You can get a grip on that one.

LAUGHTER

So, Jessica, you do the deed,

in the night-time. Yeah.

And how did he react
when he woke up,

and how quickly did he notice it?

It took, it did actually
take him quite a while,

because he wasn't... By at which
point it had grown back,

so, no harm done.

I said that if you shave things,
cos with, with women's legs,

if you shave them, actually,

the theory goes that three hairs
grow back in the place of one.

It's not true.

Well, that can't be true, otherwise
you'd have legs like an ape.

LAUGHTER

What was this guy's name?
What was his full name?

He was called James.

What were his good qualities?

I mean you, you -
we can't help wondering what it was

that drew you to
James in the first place.

LAUGHTER

Well, when we first met

it was more of a sort of
proximity thing, really.

LAUGHTER

Is that it? Have you thought
of writing for Clinton Cards?

LAUGHTER

Sometimes when you're working
with people, you know,

work crushes can just emerge out of
scarcity really, more than anything.

LAUGHTER

All right, what do we think?

Babatunde, what are you thinking?

I'm thinking it's a lie.

I'm not convinced by how she
explained the story.

I've, I'm - if I'm honest I've
stopped even considering

that it might be a lie.
You think it's true?

I'm so completely drawn in.
What do you think?

I think it might be true.
I think true. True.

Lie. I think true.

All right, they think it's true.

Jessica, was it true or was that
all a lie?

It is...

..a lie.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Yes, it's a lie.

Jessica didn't shave off
her boyfriend's moustache.

Mike, you're next. Blimey.

Right.

I once went on an eight hour round
trip to Wimbledon,

but never got to see any tennis.

Were you going to the football club?

No, the uh, All England Club.

It was in the middle of the summer,

I was at school at the time,
I was a young,

about 14 years of age, and our
PE teacher took us to Wimbledon.

I know you're Welsh, so
whereabouts did you travel from?

This is from Barry. Rob,
you'll be familiar with. Yes.

In a minibus.

School trip?

Wasn't really, it was like an ad hoc
school trip.

So, this was the '80s.
So the teacher...

Oh, the age of the ad hoc
school trip, yes.

It was a different time.

The past is a foreign country,
isn't it, in many ways.

Well, it's Wales. Yeah. Quite.

LAUGHTER

So he said to us,
the rugby team, the day before,

"Would you like to go to
Wimbledon to see the tennis?",

and this was the sort of
McEnroe era.

We said, "That'd be great,
sir, yeah."

You cannot be serious.
He said "We'll go tomorrow."

LAUGHTER

Very good.

He thought it'd be a nice idea
to go to Wimbledon,

to see John McEnroe play on Centre
Court, we said, "Yes, please." OK.

What, he just thought you guys
could turn up and see John McEnroe?

Well, this is the thing,
he hadn't factored that in, so...

..we get to Wimbledon,

he parked outside for probably
45 minutes and left us in the bus,

and then he came back
about 45 minutes later,

looking crestfallen.

LAUGHTER

And just said, "They're sold out."

LAUGHTER

So, what happened then?

Well, we were similarly crestfallen,

so he turned the bus around.

Started driving back to Barry.

You just went home?
Yeah, straight round.

We stopped at the first services
just outside Reading.

It's not a good one.

He gave us some of our money
back for the tickets...

..to go and play on the
Space Invaders in the services.

Said, "You've got half an hour."

We got back on the bus.

So we get to the next services.

He had to get out and get some
diesel for the minibus.

He didn't get that
at the previous services

at the same time
as the Space Invaders?

He's not great
at forward thinking, is he?

LAUGHTER

He could see we were disappointed on
the second services.

You got to remember this is a
pre-internet age - we had no phones.

No phones.

No internet. No.

So he bought us all
an adult magazine.

What?! What?

He bought you some adult magazines?

Yeah, one each, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Well, I don't want to know
what happens next.

LAUGHTER

And what was his attitude as he was
handing out the literature?

He just said, "Sorry about today,
lads, I've let you down."

Just give us one of them each.

"I'm not going to lie,
it's been awful day, so look,

"I hope this goes some way to
making up for the disappointment."

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

"There we are, Mitchell,
that's for you."

How many, how many students?

15. 15? Yeah.

I remember adult
magazines in the shops,

they never had 15 copies, bro.

LAUGHTER

Did you take these magazines home?

Yeah. Under my shirt,
straight upstairs.

Wow. Wow.

What do you think? I know,
Babatunde, you're uncomfortable

with the number of magazines
that it's possible to buy.

Nah, for some unknown reason
I, I believe it.

I, I think it's true.

You believe it. I do.

It can't possibly be true,
but somehow maybe.

So, what's it going to be?

Well, true or lie, I reckon.
That's right.

We're going to say true.

You're going to say true.

So, Mike, was it true or were
you telling a lie?

It was...

..true.

APPLAUSE

Wow! It's true -

Mike didn't see any tennis after an
eight hour trip to Wimbledon.

Our next round is called
"This is My",

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will
claim it's them

that has the genuine
connection to the guest,

and it's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Darren.

APPLAUSE

So, Jessica, what is Darren to you?

Well, this is Darren,

and I went to his wedding dressed
as Princess Leia,

because I had been tricked
into believing it was fancy dress.

Mike, how do you know Darren?

This is Darren and he beat me to the
title of Best Welsh Elvis.

Right, and finally Lee, what is
your relationship with Darren?

This is Darren, he was going to
take me up in his plane,

but before we got off the runway

I accidentally set off
his ejector seat.

So there we have it.
Jessica's fancy dress friend,

Mike's enemy Elvis or Lee's
propelled pilot.

David's team, where will you begin?

So, Jessica.

How come you thought it was
a fancy dress wedding?

Well...

..Darren I know to be
a Star Wars fan.

So you just assumed his wedding
would be Star Wars themed.

If you'll let me finish.

LAUGHTER

The wedding was on May the 4th.

Ah, of course. Ahh.

International Star Wars Day.

And how do you know him,
what's the relationship with Darren?

He's... "I am her father."

LAUGHTER

He's my old drama teacher. OK.

Even if you thought it was May
the 4th and he's mad for Star Wars,

I think you'd think,
maybe the bride...

..or like, I don't think
you'd wear white.

You leave Princess Leia
for the bride. Yeah.

Yeah, you'd go C-3PO
or something. Yes.

Or with her legs, Chewbacca.

LAUGHTER

How come you get invited
to the wedding?

I don't think I've ever been invited
to the weddings of any ex-teachers.

We were the first class of drama
that he ever taught,

and so he did stay in touch with us.

Also, you know, it's not every day
one of your pupils

becomes a famous celebrity
who's on telly,

so, you know, they...

Was there someone else there, then,
that fitted the description?

So, who was it who told you that it
was a fancy dress wedding?

I was tricked into believing.

By whom? How, yeah.

It was the friendship group
and it was on a sort of email chain.

It was boring, boring emails,
whatever.

"Yeah, ha-ha, May the 4th."

There were some jokes going round
about, is it Star Wars, is it not,

and I didn't see
the "is it not" bit.

Oh, so you weren't
deliberately tricked?

Well, that was what initially
happened, and then they saw my...

..taking it at face value,

and they decided that would be
funny, wouldn't it,

if we let Jess believe...

And what were the - how did you
achieve the Princess Leia look?

Well, you know, your standard
couple of buns on the side,

and then, yeah, it was a white gown
and a belt, cos I just...

..and that was what obviously made
it all the more embarrassing.

I think that's very presumptuous.

There are other Princess Leia
outfits you could have gone for.

Oh what, I should have turned up
in the gold bikini, should I, David?

I was thinking...
Is that what you want, David?

Fatigues. Exactly,
the fatigues on Endor.

That would be, that would be just...

Too cazh. That would've been fine.
Too cazh.

Who did Darren marry?

I think she's called Melanie.

Wow. Awkward.

Well, it wasn't really about,
we weren't there for Melanie,

we were there for Darren. No.

Clearly not, you did everything
you could to upstage her.

LAUGHTER

And how did she react

when she saw another beautiful
woman stood in white?

Honestly, she didn't seem to notice
and nobody said anything.

I was just horrified.

But I just had to take my buns down
and just get on with the day.

So, once you'd... I've got that
embroidered above me bed.

LAUGHTER

Once you'd unhooked
the Danish pastries,

basically you were just in a white
dress with what, one laser g*n?

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, I didn't realise
that you, of all people,

would have this encyclopaedic -
Endor? Endor!

I mean, laser g*ns.

Are you a big Star Wars fan?

Well, do you know,
I've seen some of the films.

OK, no, hang on a minute,

most people wouldn't be able
to say Endor,

which is, of course,
the foresty planet from Star Wars.

Rob, it's not a planet,
it's a forest moon. Yeah.

It's a forest moon.

The forest moon of Endor.

What's the very sandy planet
with the twin moons?

Not you! David.

What is the name of the
sandy planet... He's a bully!

..with twin moons? He's a bully!

What is it? It's -
I think it's called Tatooine.

Yes!

Well done.

APPLAUSE

I'm... I don't like this.

Right. Who would you like
to quiz next? OK.

Er, Mike.

You're an Elvis impersonator,
are you?

I was an Elvis tribute artist, yeah.

Sorry, tribute artist. Yeah.

I'm not suggesting you were trying
to get into his ISAs or anything.

No.

Could, could you give us
a little burst of Elvis?

Yeah, what do you want me to sing?

I don't know any of the songs. Yeah.

Surely... You don't know
any of the songs?

No, I'm more into Star Wars.

I'm being told that we have
issues... Yeah, we can't afford it.

..with copyright and all that, so...
Ah, right.

If he sings it's... Oh, of course.

They want a little less
conversation about Elvis.

In which case for the copyright
reasons,

just do something that the BBC
does have the rights to,

say the tune to Ski Sunday
but like Elvis.

HUMS SKI SUNDAY THEME AS ELVIS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Did you say that you won
or Darren won?

Darren won. He became
the best Welsh Elvis, yeah.

And where did you come in the
competition? I didn't place.

I was outside the top three.
It was controversial, in my eyes.

How many were competing in the...?

Oh, probably 20 or 30, yeah. OK.

And who was judging this?

Er, people who judge at the, er...

..at the Best Welsh Elvis
competition, year in.

Well, Porthcawl, you know this, Rob,

Porthcawl is the home of the world's
largest Elvis Festival.

This is true. They have a festival
in Porthcawl for Elvis every year.

The world's largest, and there
are between 20 and 30 Elvis.

There's several competitions.
Oh, I see.

How long ago was this?

I'm going to say 12 years ago.
12 years.

Paint a picture
of Porthcawl Elvis Festival.

What sort of people would you
say it attracts?

Elvis fans and people
who are married to Elvis fans.

LAUGHTER

It's literally that, yeah.

Are you an Elvis fan, or was this
cos of the physical resemblance,

is that why you, you went into it?

So, I went to Graceland
when I was 19. Right.

Didn't really grasp, pre-internet,
how big America was,

or where Graceland was.

Well, you know it's far from Barry.
It's far from Barry.

But I flew to New York, you see,
and I got the train to Graceland.

Took two and a half days.

And then when you got there,
it was full.

LAUGHTER

All right. Now, Lee came up with
something very plausible. Yes.

Just remind us.

This is Darren and he took me up
in his plane -

well, he tried to,
but we never got off the runway,

cos I accidentally
pressed his ejector seat.

OK, how do you know Darren?

Well, Darren's a friend of a friend.

We were in a bar, I think,
years ago,

and I just got to know him, he was
on the fringes of my friendship.

And then I got to find
out that he was in the RAF,

and he also did, er...

Rides. He also did...

..and he also does the displays,

you know, like the Red Arrows
that type of thing.

So, did you promote him
from the fringes of the friendship

when you found out...?

How do you do that without
moving your lips?

Don't take such an interest,
because this is your drama teacher.

Yeah. So...

You can see where you might
go wrong there.

You said you set off his
ejector seat.

I mean, paint a picture for us,
what happened?

Right, so, I'm not keen on flying,
I really don't like flying.

So, he said, "If you're
a nervous flier I can help you

"overcome this by taking
you on a trip in my Tornado."

It's a gentler ride, isn't it,
in a combat aircraft.

If you're scared of flying.

So, so was this out of panic
that you pressed his eject...?

No, it was an accident that
I pressed the ejector seat. OK.

It's basically two seats, one in the
front and one directly behind.

Yes.

To be clear, his ejector
seat for his, isn't near him.

No. You've got to climb over the
back. No. And press the button.

Press it, and then go back
into your seat.

Claudia, I was exactly the same as
you when I was naive and silly,

but actually...

..actually, no, I mean,
naive and silly about Tornadoes.

Right. Not about life. No.

You've clearly
got your act together,

you're putting gravy on your face.

There's a seat there, a seat here.

He's got an ejector seat,

I have an ejector seat,

but also, in case the man
at the front passes out,

or I pass out

he has a double seat one
and I have a double seat one,

and he said, "Now, this take off
is, like, the G-force thing,

"so make sure you're properly ready
for this."

I was so terrified
I went into the crash position

and then saw these handles.
I thought, "I'll hold them.",

like that, and I thought,
"This is ridiculous,"

and as I looked up I must've
pulled them like that -

and I was nervous to begin with,
but when I looked up

and saw that he wasn't even
sat there, I was terrified.

Are you telling us
he went out of the aeroplane?

No, he shot straight down,
what do you think?

It goes very high up, parachute
goes off and he glides back down,

and he landed right in the canteen,
then he had his lunch.

Hang on, OK.

Each seat has a handle for itself

and a handle for both seats
to eject, is that correct?

Er, maybe.

Well, that's what you said.
That's what you said.

But you didn't say there was a
handle that allows the person

in the second seat to eject only
the person in the first seat

and not themselves. Yeah.

Because under what circumstances
would that be helpful?

Well, he did say if the person
in the front passed out.

All right, you want them to go on...

.."You go to hospital,
I'll carry on flying"?

That's a good point.

And what happens next?

I managed to scramble
into the front seat.

Do that.

Stay - stay calm and just said,
"Roger Roger, Wilko Wilko...

"..the pilot has ejected,
permission to stop the plane."

So, yeah, I managed to bring
the plane to a halt,

climbed out, slid down the wing,
landed like that.

Kissed a young lady, and walked away
to some music from Berlin.

LAUGHTER

Right. We need an answer.

So, David's team.

Is Darren Jessica's fancy
dress friend,

Mike's enemy Elvis or Lee's
propelled pilot?

Yep.

That's the one.
It's the third one, isn't it?

Lee's story...

I mean, it was very,
very unlikely to start with,

but the way he describes it
has rendered it impossible.

LAUGHTER

So, I think we can... Correct.
Rule that out. Yeah.

Jessica forgot that Darren
was supposed to be...

..her drama teacher entirely

and became fascinated
by his career in the RAF.

So, by a process of elimination,

Darren must be... He's Elvis.
Look at him. ..Mike's friend

the fellow Elvis impersonator.

You're saying it's Mike.

Everybody is on the edge
of their seat.

He wasn't when he was flying
with me.

Darren, would you please
reveal your true identity.

I'm Darren, and I beat Mike
in the Best Welsh Elvis competition.

APPLAUSE

Yes, and we've got an
opportunity now,

to put their Elvis abilities...

..to the test.

Can I just say,
before you hand them over,

do not pull both of them
at the same time

otherwise he'll go through the roof.

That's for you, Darren.
That's for you.

Now, we're going to need some music.

# We can't go on together

# With suspicious minds

# And we can't build our dreams

# With suspicious minds. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Darren. Well done Mike.

Yes!

Darren is Mike's enemy Elvis.

Thank you very much, Darren.

Lovely man.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's Babatunde.

All right. I've had to up security
at my gigs,

because old women
won't stop kissing me.

Lee's team. How old are these women?

I would suggest maybe, like,
60 upwards.

And what kind of kisses?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sorry, you're saying that's old?

Don't listen to him, Rob.

LAUGHTER

What kind of kisses
are they going in for?

They're going for a smooch
on the cheek.

Some might try
and get one on the lips

but that's, it's like,
no, you can't do that.

Are they trying to get on the stage,
or is this back stage?

No, this is at the meet and greet.

So I do meet and greets
at some of the smaller venues.

Do you charge extra for that? No.

Could be.

I mean, I could, but I don't
want to, you know what I mean?

It's not that kind of meet.

Do you not like...?

I'm not suggesting he's
offering himself as a gigolo!

You should tour with Claudia.
You could do meat and gravy.

LAUGHTER

So, how bad does it get?
I mean, obviously... It gets bad.

Are we talking a bit of hand
grabbing as well? Yes.

And are we talking a bit of, like,

when the photo happens, arm round,
bit of a squeeze...?

Yeah, yeah. Yes, I've had that,
I've had that, I've had...

And they say get off. No, no, no!

LAUGHTER

I've had, yeah -
let me tell you something.

I've had a couple, husband, wife,

and I've had, like,
while we're taking a picture

I've had the wife's hand on my bum.

Squeezing it? Yes.

Full-on - and I'm like,
in the picture I'm like...

What are we thinking?
Was Babatunde telling the truth?

I think he's got that,
that approachable way about him.

And especially on the, you know, I'm
A Celebrity, they share everything.

Exactly. So, they feel like
they know him.

I think it's true.
You think it's true?

I think it's a lie, actually,
and I think he's just showing off.

LAUGHTER

I'll go with you. I'll say true.
You're saying true. Yeah.

All right. They think it's true,
Babatunde.

Was it true or were you
telling a lie?

It is, in fact...

..true.

It's true, Babatunde has upped
security because of his new fanbase.

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team
have three points,

and Lee's team have two.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next time, goodnight.