17x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

APPLAUSE

Good evening.
Welcome to "Would I Lie To You?",

the show with unvarnished truths
and highly polished lies.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
back to befuddle us once more,

it's comedian Lucy Beaumont.

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And the multi-award winning
presenter and comedian, Mo Gilligan.

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And on David Mitchell's team
tonight,

she's the wheelchair racer turned
Blue Peter presenter, Abby Cook.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian
who needs no introduction,

it's the one and only Frankie Boyle.

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We begin with Round One,
Home Truths,

where our panel lists read out a
statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

they have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team
to sort the fact from the fiction.

And Lucy is first up.

I once had to urgently edit
my Wikipedia page

to backup a lie I'd just told.

David's team. Oh. Are you willing
to tell us what the lie was now?

Yeah. Go on.

Shall I just go back a bit
to the beginning of it all?

No.

I wouldn't start with your birth,
if that's what you mean.

No, I just meant...

That would be a pretty arrogant way

of referring to
the beginning of it all.

No. Lanzarote is the beginning
of this story.

OK, Lanzarote.

Have you been?

I have not, no.
Have you been to Lanzarote?

No, and I don't intend to.

Em, but the lie, do you want,

you want to know what the lie was,
don't you? Yes.

The lie was...that I'm diabetic.

I was coming back on the plane
and it...

Do you know them
little snack boxes they do?

Have you been in standard class?

So I wanted a snack box
cos I was hungry,

cos it's um four and a half hours,
the flight,

but my card wouldn't work, you know,
in the machine thing?

Mm. But I could ring.

I had Wi-Fi.

Oh, you could telephone?

Yeah.

From a plane? Yeah!

So, basically, I thought I can't
carry on for four and a half hours

on this plane without some...

I thought you were going to say
with this story.

I said I'm really hungry,
but they wouldn't give me anything,

because I... Because of capitalism.

...couldn't pay.

So I said, "I'm diabetic.”

Oh. Oh, right. Right.

And then I think the cabin crew
were googling me.

Cos you've said, "I'm diabetic,"

have they given you food
as a result of that?

So they have now given me
a snack box

and everyone near me has given me,
like, sweets and...

So I ring my friend Jackie,
but she...her real name is Sarah.

Why do you call her Jackie?

Em, I don't know,
it's just always been her nickname.

Mm-hm.

Um, and I said,
"Quick, update my Wikipedia."

But the people around you
who have just given you sweets,

surely they'd be able
to hear this call.

No, I said it really quietly.

And you said update it to say...?

I am diabetic. Right.

And you couldn't have text her this?

It's not quick enough, though,
is it sometimes?

But it does have the advantage
that it's not audible

by somebody who's just given you
a boiled sweet.

And also, with the best will
in the world, you don't seem

like your forte would be saying this
thing really quickly on the phone.

APPLAUSE

What was in the original snack box
that you wanted?

What sort of things did it contain?

Em, it contained cheese.

Yes. Em, it contained bread sticks.

Yes. And an insulin injection.

Um, then I get off the plane
and wait for my luggage

and check that she'd done it.

Why didn't you check on the plane,
with its excellent Wi-Fi?

Because by that point
we were about to land.

Oh, so you did
this huge snack box scam

in the last minutes of the flight?

I think they turn off the Wi-Fi some
time during the descent unless I...?

I don't think they sell the food
just before the end either.

And then, she updated it,
she updated it.

Just ignoring that.

Thank you, Secretary of State.

What are you thinking about this,
Abby?

Does it have the ring of truth?
I don't think so.

No snack box is worth lying about
and changing your Wikipedia over.

Does cheese cure diabetes?

And there's the trailer!

So you're saying lie?

Yeah, I think lie.
Lie. All right, then.

They think you were sitting there
lying.

Was it a lie, Lucy,
or were you telling the truth?

It is...

...true,

APPLAUSE

Wow! Yeah, it's true.

Lucy did edit her Wikipedia page
to backup a lie.

Right, Frankie, you're up next.

As a child, I had a pet brick.

Lee.

As a child, I had a pet brick.

DAVID: Oh, you as well?

You can't have a pet brick.

I know it's true
because it's on his Wikipedia page.

What was the name of your pet brick?
What was the name?

Johnny.

Johnny! Johnny.

But you're from Glasgow,
aren't you? Yeah.

It's sandstone in Glasgow.

I think they've got plenty of bricks
in Glasgow. Yeah.

Did you get it from your own house?

No. My dad gave it to me.

That must have been
a rather bare Christmas.

Why did he give you a brick?

He gave me a load of different stuff
to...to build a wee wall,

and I kept a brick.

He gave you a build-your-own-wall
kit? Yeah.

And how old were you
when this was happening?

I was about seven.

So you took one of these bricks away

and tell us how you came
to adopt it as a pet.

I just... I'd had it as a pet
on a string for a bit.

What?! And it was like a dog.

We couldn't get a dog. Where on
earth would you take a brick?

Well, just round about our bit.

Oh, dear.

I hope you didn't throw a ball
into the river for him.

When you had it on a lead, do you
mean outside or round the house?

Yeah. Well, on a string, yeah.

What, in the street? Yeah.

No. What?!

I'm a seven—year—old kid.
It was charming!

That's an important thing
to remember. Yeah.

We're talking about as if he's doing
it now. He was seven.

Did you decorate it?

Did you make it look
like an animal or a human?

He had a lot of human qualities.

And the most obvious being?

Like, we would talk.

Well, you're saying "we"...

Was he more of a listener?

So you had it attached to a string?
How did you do that?

You tie a knot.

Sometimes we would play a game
with it where you could swing it

round and people...people had
to jump. With a brick?

So it didn't hit them in the legs.

So, so it must have been
fairly secure.

Like extreme skipping? Yes.

Did it ever break
anyone's ankles or anything?

No. It hit a few knees.
Was it not put down?

What are you thinking, Lucy,

specifically,
about what Frankie has said?

Yeah, not everything.

My instinct is not to believe it,
but it's very unusual, isn't it?

What do you think, Mo?

I think it might be true.

Have you got any brothers
or sisters? Yeah.

Are you the youngest or the oldest?
No, I was in the middle.

Aw, that, yeah. He definitely had
a pet brick. The middle one...

That says it all.

He had a pet brick. Yeah,
the middle children are crazy, man.

Let's make a...let's make
a decision.

Uh, Lucy?

What are they?
Have you just spotted them?

What bird are they? I don't know.
A pair of t*ts?

I don't know. What do you think?

I'm really...
I'm going to say crane or heron.

Ha-ha!

I think it's false.
You think it's not true?

You think it's false,
or do you think it's true?

I think it's true. And I...
Don't go with me, though.

I wasn't going to.

I'll go with Mo
because he's more certain.

You're going to say it's true.

Right, Frankie,
a seven-year-old Frankie Boyle

with a brick for a pet,
truth or lie?

That is...

...a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a lie.

Frankie didn't have a pet brick.

Abby, your turn.

Perfect.

Age 11, I got my first-ever
detention for secretly watching

"Would I Lie To You?"
on my phone in class.

Ah! Oh.

Well, that makes me feel old.

Can we ask how old you are now?

Um, I'm 20.

So nine years ago. Well, this
program me was on nine years ago.

I can confirm that. So, uh...

It's a family friendly show.

Family friendly sherr. Um...

What lesson were you in?

I was in RE.

How many times had you done this?

I'd done it like quite a few times
before...

Watching us,
or just watching telly generally?

Mainly "Would I Lie To You?"

Here's a question, then.
Who was on?

OK, David was on.

A good start. You were on as well.

Yeah, that's our business.
Yeah, and Rob, yeah, so.

Rob was on, yeah. Anyone else?

Um, I think it was one
of the episodes with Bob Mortimer.

Oh, you're playing safe, aren't you?

Oh, that's an e...
That's a very easy choice, isn't it?

So you know
when you was watching this,

was you streaming it,
or did you buy the box set?

Uh, I was just streaming it.

You wouldn't have that much data.
How much data did you have?

You can down... That was nine years
ago. You can download it now.

You used to get one gigabyte
nine years ago.

That's 300 megabytes per episode.
Is it?! Yeah.

That's very specific knowledge.

Yeah, man. I used to work
at the Apple store.

I tell you what... Did you really?
Is that true? Really?

APPLAUSE

Do you remember what you were
supposed to be studying in RE that day?

Uh, pfft, there was a lot,
there's a lot of religions.

I think it was Hinduism. OK.

I mean, much as I find this show
entertaining,

I don't know if it's more
entertaining then Hinduism.

That's our second trailer
from Frankie.

So what are we saying?

Aw, I...think, what do you think,
a lie?

I'm going for a lie.

I don't think she would have been
allowed her phone.

Lie. Lucy? I think it's a lie.
I'll go with my team and say...

But it might be true. Oh, my gosh.

Let's go with...
We've never done this before,

but can I have a substitute?

Well, let's go with lie.
OK, we'll go with lie.

Lie, lie, lie.
OK, they think it's a lie.

Abby, was it a lie,
was it actually the truth?

It was...

...a lie.

APPLAUSE

All right, our next round is called
This Is My, where we bring on

a mystery guest who has a close
connection to one of our panel lists.

This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest,

and it's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So please welcome
this week's special guest, Oliver.

APPLAUSE

So, Mo, what is Oliver to you?

Uh, this is Oliver and he spent


just to get me some trainers.

Lucy, how do you know Oliver?

This is Oliver,
I bitterly regret booking him

for a friend's 40th birthday.

Right.

Finally, Lee.

What's your relationship
with Oliver?

This is Oliver.

He is the electrician
that I had to disguise as my grandad

to save him from a fight.

So there we have it.

David, where would you like
to begin?

So, Mo. Yeah.

Oliver did what,
he spent 36 hours doing what?

Uh, queueing for me
to get some trainers.

And what were the trainers?

Uh, the trainers were Nike Yeezy 2s.
They're very, very exclusive.

And why did he agree to do that?

Was he getting a pair himself?

Well, he couldn't get a pair,
I could get a pair,

but on the condition
that if he queues for me,

I'll give him 10% of what I sell.

Cos I used to sell trainers.

But in this instance,
you're buying trainers?

Well, I buy them
to then flip and sell.

So, but I'm big into sneakers,
that's my thing.

Right. I actually know him as Olly.

So there's a lovely detail.

Yeah.

We actually call him Man Like Olly,

that's how we refer to him
because... You call him what?

Man Like Olly. So...

Yeah, we call him
Electrician Like Olly.

Why do you call him Man Like Olly?

Cos he's a sort of cool guy.
See, like we say, Man Like Olly,

and he's like, yeah,
Olly on a jolly, like Olly's...

What would you call me, Mo?

Rob.

APPLAUSE

So, why couldn't you queue?

Well, I was working at the time.

And how many pairs did he buy?

Oh, you can only get one per pair,
one per pair.

One per pair?

One per person.
One pair per person.

I assume it's one pair per person,

otherwise you've got a lot of people
hopping out of the shop.

You said that you were
into sneakers and trainers.

Well... Which did you prefer?

The term we use
in the UK is trainers.

Yes. But amongst the community,
we tend to use the word sneakers.

It is a bit more Americanised.

I remember when sneakers
used to be called Marathons.

Ah, that one was good!

You can have that
when you're flipping.

Sneakers used to be called
Marathon...

Well, it's Snickers, really.

...is what you're singling out
as the height of Lee Mack's humour.

And it's a Snickers, but I like that
one. Yes, I understand it, Mo.

Yeah.

Can I just say that Lucy's
just said, "I believe you, Mo."

You don't, because you think
that you know him.

APPLAUSE

If you believe him,

then there's no point in you reading
anything out, is there?

So why were you only allowed them
and he wasn't?

Well, I wa...
I had a higher place in the queue,

but I couldn't stay cos
I was on probation for my new job.

Oh, so you started the queue.
Yeah, I started queueing.

You got in and he came, as it were,
relieved you.

He was never going to get a pair.

How long before the shop's open?

For this release, I think the shop
would open at 12 in the afternoon.

So people would be getting there
like one, 2am.

You might sleep in your car.

How can you sleep in your car
if you're in a queue?

Do you have to put
the car in the queue?

Cos you'd be stopping and stalling
that engine every time.

Handbrake on, mirror.

Right, who would you like
to quiz next, David?

So, Lucy, you are clever
at this game. Yes.

So the fact that you said to Mo,
"I believe you"

wouldn't have quite the resonance
coming from you that it might

from someone else, but you can
say now if it's true that it's Mo

and that, uh, that yours
is not true.

Remind us
of your relationship with Oliver.

I will, I'll remind you.

You're sticking with it?

For the game, yeah.

OK. Fine.

Em, this is Oliver,

and I bitterly regret booking him
for my friend's 40th birthday party.

Right, OK.

So my friend was 40.

We went out round Leeds
nightclubbing.

Yeah. And we were staying
in a hotel the night before,

and I thought what a lovely idea
to book, um, well,

Butler in the Buff.

You've decided to book
a male stripper for the night

before the clubbing night,
or the night...?

Sorry, no. I mean, we went
to the hotel before we went

on the night out.
Oh, right, you've checked in.

Yeah. OK.
Checked in, I got there first

and decorated the room
all nice for my friend. Yeah.

And then got the text
that Oliver was downstairs.

Yeah. Went and met him
and was mortified

by how young he was.

And how old was Oliver
at the time?

I think... Yeah, early 20s.

Are your friends,
the other partygoers,

waiting in the room upstairs?

No.

I took him back to the room.

Yeah. And got a text message

that their train had been delayed.

So you meet Oliver...

"Oh, my God, he's young enough to be
the birthday girl's child."

Yeah.

And go up to the room with Oliver,
and then what conversation ensues?

LEE: And more importantly
at this point, how is he dressed?

He...he said he was diabetic.

APPLAUSE

And he needed... So he needed to go
and inject the insulin.

Let me check this on Wikipedia.

DAVID: Is that the first thing
he said, coming into the room?

So what, how was he dressed?

He had a mac on.

A mac?!

Has he got any trousers underneath,
or can you see

the sort of hairy legs
going into his shoes?

He had a G string on
underneath.

I also find it very unlikely
that he's chosen to try

and address his diabetes
with insulin instead of cheese.

APPLAUSE

So what happened next, Lucy?

I said, "Shall we watch some telly
till they get here?"

Where did you sit?

On the bed together.

And I said, "What's your favourite
program me on TV?"

And he said, "Eight Out Of Ten Cats
Does Countdown."

And he said, "My favourite
comedian's Jon Richardson."

This is of course Lucy's husband.

Yeah.

So we FaceTimed Jon.

By this time,
my friends was on the way,

and I said,
"Go and hide in the toilet.”

Because?

Em, because I just needed to think
about what I was going to do next.

They came to the door.

Yeah. And I said,
"I've made a terrible mistake,

"there's a young boy
in the toilet...

"..and he's diabetic.”

Then they said, "What do you mean?"

And I said, "Come in."

And then I introduced Oliver
to them,

and then we sat with him
and we gave him careers advice.

APPLAUSE

Wow! Now, then, what about Lee?

Lee, can you remind us
of your claim.

LEE: Yes. This is Oliver
and he's the electrician

I had to disguise as my grandad
to save him from a fight.

Right, so he's upstairs working
on my bathroom, not a euphemism.

And he's, um,
he was looking out the window,

he's packing up ready to go,
and he noticed that

I had another person
coming to work downstairs.

DAVID: Not a euphemism.
LEE: Not a euphemism.

He was there to sand
the floorboards,

which actually is a euphemism.

And he said to me, "That man,
I had an affair with his girlfriend

"and if he sees me he's going
to beat me up in your house."

DAVID: So it's either window
or grandad disguise.

When you say grandad disguise,

what do you mean?

I got him a flat cap.

What else did you give him?

I made him sit in that room
for 47 years.

Scarf? I put the scarf round him

so it was sort of over his face
like that, did that, and luckily...

Glasses? I did have glasses,
I had some round glasses,

but they were see-through glasses
because they were just my...

DAVID: Oh, see-through glasses,
right, yeah.

LEE: You know what I mean!

They were prescription-free.

DAVID: I see, yes, yeah.

Did you have a good relationship
with your grandad? What?

Yeah, no, I did have a nice
relationship with my grandad, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, a lovely man.
Yeah, what about you?

Oh, you never met him, did you?

So you get him in the disguise,
then what happens?

Well, then I said, "I think
you're ready to come out, come out

"and try and cross paths
with psycho Steve."

What sort of voice,
what sort of accent did he have?

Well, it's talk like that, innit,
mate? You know what I mean? Really?

So how would you chat with him when
he'd come and sand your floorboards?

Oh, well, you know, I'd start doing
my usual of getting more Northern.

"All right, mate,
stick the kettle on."

"I will, mate, don't you worry.

"Eh, I'll bet they'll have
builder's tea, won't they?

"Oh, I like you, mate,
you're all working class like me."

Why didn't you just make him
a cup of tea,

rather than dress this guy up
as your grandad?

Because if I'm making him
a cup of tea,

I mean, he's not coming with me.

No, "Come on,
I'll make you a cup of tea.”

Well, if he's going to come on,
he might as well make it himself.

"Go on, then, do you want
a cup of tea?"

"Well, if you're going in there,
yeah."

"No, you come and help me make it."

"All you got to do is stick
a teabag in a cup, mate."

"I know, but I need help
with me little limbs

"gettin't bag in't cup.”

Come down to the kitchen
and I'll make you a cup of tea.

Come down to the kitchen?! Come down
to the kitchen? He's on the ground floor!

It's not Downton Abbey, mate.

Where's the kitchen,
in your hallway? It's another room!

It's open plan!

I've been to your house
when I was making that delivery.

You mean when my wife had the baby?

Yes. It's not that open plan.

No, it wasn't the house
we're currently in.

DAVID: But I went
to your previous house,

and it wasn't that open plan.

LEE: It wasn't that one either.

DAVID: But I once went to the house
you were in before that.

LEE: Yeah, and it wasn't that one
either.

You know the house before that one
that you hadn't been to?

DAVID: Yeah.
LEE: That one.

DAVID: Oh, right. So the house
you lived in sort of 15 years ago?

LEE: Yeah.

DAVID: How old was Olly then, when
he was helping with the electrics?

APPLAUSE



Because, despite what liar Lucy
says, he's actually 35.

All right, we need an answer.

So David's team, is Oliver
Mo's footwear friend,

Lucy's party pal
or Lee's pretend pensioner?

I don't want it to be Lucy's,
because it's absolutely harrowing,

but I sort of feel
it's the most likely.

What was your friend's name?

It's Jackie,
but her real name's Sarah.

It was her?

Yeah, what are you...?
What's...what's your instinct?

I'm thinking that it's Mo's friend.

I think... Right. I think
they look like they'd be pals.

So you think it's Lucy,
and you think it's Mo?

I think it's Mo. Maybe go for Lee?

I think, my instinct...

Yeah. My instinct is that it's Mo.

Right. Oliver, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Oliver, and Lucy hired me
for her friend's party.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Oliver is Lucy's party pal.

Thank you very much, Oliver.
Well done, Oliver.

He's a lovely lad.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,

and we start with...

It's David.

Last Saturday, I had my first-ever
bag of pickled onion Monster Munch.

By Sunday evening,
I'd eaten my ninth packet.

Right, Lee's team.

So Saturday morning...

DAVID: Yes.

LEE: Where were you when you had
your first packet of Monster Munch?

DAVID: I was watching the coronation
on television.

What made you go for Monster Munch?

You look like a...you look like
a Kettle Chip kind of guy.

Well, and that's how I would
previously have described myself.

LEE: But now his teeth
can't hack it.

DAVID: Yes, it turns delightfully
to gunge

with just a small amount of sucking.

DAVID: That's his profile
on Match.com.

I was watching, with a few friends,
watching the coronation.

There was like sort of
picnicky snacky foods,

among which were a multipack
of Monster Munch.

LEE: And who provided them?

DAVID: Some... A friend of mine
had brought it round to watch

the coronation with us,
a sort of contribution.

LEE: The contribution
was six packets of Monster Munch?

That's a bold gift.

You haven't used your wonderful gift
with language to talk us through

that moment that David Mitchell
first put a Monster Munch

into his unsure-yet-curious mouth.

Oh, well, obviously it's the smell
of its approach, isn't it?

Dusty, vinegary, starchy.

Yes. Are we still talking
about the coronation?

And how would you describe
your emotions?

No, it wasn't an emotional thing.
It wasn't an emotional thing?

No, I don't think you should feel
emotional about food.

I think that's inappropriate.

Are you really only 48? Yes.

And what was Victoria...?
Well, she must have been thinking,

"Hang on a minute,
this isn't the man I married."

No, no, he's a bit... "Goody!"

What colour's the packet?
What colour's the packet? Yeah.

Very good question.
What colour's the packet? Yes!

A mixture of colours.

Sort of, I mean, it's a...

I don't think you can bring
it down to one colour.

APPLAUSE

Greens and browns and...

LEE: Greens and browns?
Greens and browns!

What says pickled onion
more than a brown?

DAVID: Yellows and purples
and a little bit of red in there.

I had Monster Munch on the way here.
Did you?

Yeah.

What colour's the packet?
It's purple.

I think of it as purple.

I said purple. You didn't!
I did say purple. You said brown.

All right, let's make a decision,
Lee.

So are we saying it's truth
or a lie?

This is a lie.

This is a man who likes sea salt
and basil, those kind of crisps.

What do you think, Lucy?

I think it's a lie.

I'll go with my team
and say it's a lie.

OK, right. David, truth or lie?

It is a lie.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team
have one point,

Lee's team have four points.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.

Goodnight.