01x08 - The Last Ashton Hero

[bunniefuu]

This is a fictional show about fictional

characters doing fictional things, even

when they're based on real people doing

real things. The celebrity voices are

impersonated. No animals were harmed in

the making of this cartoon, but a few

celebrities were. Come on, this

is a story of a dog named Buddy,

lost on the mean streets of Hollywood

trying to get home to his owner in

Jersey. Hello, bulldog named Wolf, who's

always got his back.

Yeah, when my dog died.

Previously on Where My Dogs at Wolf got

captured by the dog catcher.

And Buddy got run over by Tom

Cruise. He's still breathing, Katie. And

now this week's episode of Where My

Dogs At.

Cruise control. Ohh, my dog, we're going

to die. Hey little fella, you're real

ugly. And that's how the Grand Warlock

likes his.

It's time we look out, reach

around Katie.

Come here

flaming.

Katie, are you OK?

Have no feeling from

neck up. It's

why I love you.

Tom, who are they? They're

mindless followers of a trendy

religion, Myspace. A cabal of

Kabbalists.

Don't look in their eyes, Katie. They

can control your mind. Yes, Master.

What's a tomcat doing on Kabala turf?

Just living my life, Madonna. Just living

my life, Tom Supra, Ashton Kutcher. Big

fan, but I you know, if you

crossed. Could set. You're violating the

Scientology Kabbalah truce. Back off Mr.

Punk. It's punk, duh. I think it

vault. Ashton Bruce would have kicked

their ***** made two bad movies and

been home to tuck you into bed

by now. Kabal years. Come out and

pray.

Most men anthologist like, summon them

with the power of my mind and

my BlackBerry. Kristie Alley. Jenna

Elfman, The guy from Earl? Yeah. Is

this a religion or the cast of

the next Surreal Life? What's the deal

with you, Kabbalah?Where do

you guys get your cabals? You're not

even Jewish. You're Jewish fish.

Actually, Kabbalah is an esteemed 1000

year old religion. Yeah, she was there

when it started. So what, we've got

hotter guys? Well, we got these cool

red screen wristbands that cut off the

circulation. Of our brains, Yeah. Why

don't you tie that around your finger and

remember to change your to pins. Old

school. Hey, nobody talks that way about

my wife.

Excuse me?Umm.

Looks like you got a long way to go

to being a leading man, Punk. Duh.

When we get to the pound, I'm going to

teach you how to play dead.

Sorry about this dog, but I got a bone to

pick.

See, that's what I'm talking about. I

can't be old dog catcher, you fat, ugly,

no neck. It's a girl.

I never thought I'd see you again. You

knocked those space cases right out.

That's our role. Ohh. Snap. Dinty Moore.

Yeah. Ashton's old lady. See, Ashton?

That's how Bruce would have done it. He

could use a couple of dogs like that.

There's new movie, grab him and let's get

out of here. And it

bruises so great. Why do you marry him?

Is the property of Scientology, and

so is that building and that

building. And no one takes the

sacrifice from the Grand Warlock. No

one.

Mr. Willis will be here in one hour.

No eye contact, no staring at his bald

head unless you want to go blind from

the glare Mr. Jackson Demi brought by the

two dogs she told you about. It's that

Lord of the Rings director dude. He lost

like 200 lbs. You lose

all that weight and you still look bad.

They're perfect. We'll still be on

schedule for our sh**ting. Bruce's

hometown. Slap some extra makeup on the

ugly Beagle. Hey, why does everyone in

Hollywood call me ugly?

One minute we're couple of managing

nobodies, then overnight we're big stars.

Like the Ashley Simpson story. We're

blessed fleas. Never mind our wolf.

They're going to sh**t in Willis's home

state and he's from Jersey. All we got to

do is obey the director and I'll be back

in time for little Jeff's birthday. Ohh,

just like the old days.

Ohh. That's

cool. Watch me get all rabbit dog

there up in here. You barking at

me, Focker? OK, let's put the grenades

on the stent. Dogs. Dogs. Good. Thank

you. Fire. Stand by.

I have a bad feeling about this.

k*ll t*rror1st flight through on the

fit Bulldog.

Ooh, that smells good. Good. I'm

hungry. k*ll robot ninjas.

Now let's get to the

dangerous stuff, Kirino.

Great rehearsal, g*ng. Ohh. Let's sh**t

it this time. OK, Well, I'm dizzy. My

hands hurts, my nose is bleeding. Now you

know how Kate Moss feels in the morning.

Will, it's on the set. Will, it's on

the set. Everyone looked busy.

OK, I know Willis likes young stuff, but

they're combined. Ages aren't old enough.

No, those are the Willis daughters.

Rumor, Scout and Taco Bell. Nah, dawg. I

think her name is Tallulah Bell. Yeah,

right. Less ridiculous Bruce, we're just

about to sh**t the rooftop sequence.

Where my stunt dogs at. Ohh. His

name is Muffin Ticky Ticky Ticky Muffin,

Muffin Muffin. My name is Wolf. Full

rumor has it you're about to get

bit dad. They don't look so happy.

Almost as hard as being an actor.

Not room temperature. Dad, stop. Life

isn't good for these pups. Can we take

the pump? Can we come? Can we? Ohh. Can

we keep them forever and ever? All right

there. Yours. Just as soon as we time up.

Set him on fire and throw him off a

bridge. What you talk about, Willis?

Umm, here's a

Jingle.

Here's Jingle.

Ohh, old

lady.

Who was married with

three horribly named girls.

Ashton, have you been playing with

Bruce's movie props again? I've always

wanted to Polish Bruce's sword. It's from

Pulp Fiction. Ohh, you got some schmutz

on that gorgeous Putnam. Now put that

thing away before you cut off your

schmekel. God dammit. You know Bruce

isn't the only dude around here knows how

to handle it.

Could you go? Oh, oh, and

what did I tell you about

leaving the GIMP out of his

box? Sorry, Dims.

Mummy, Mummy, look what real daddy gave

us. A ticky, ticky, ticky. I hope you

ain't too attached to them fingers. Whoa,

whoa, time out. Does anybody remember I'm

the man of the house around here? I

never said you could keep those mutts.

Don't get jealous, I didn't say they

were as cute as you. Hot pants

Tallulah Belle Willis Moore Kutcher Die

Hard The Third Your mother and I

are married. Do not forget that. Any

of you got it.

Kelso, watch out, Ashton Demi's gonna

give you a timeout.

Everybody down, down, down. Let's

go.

We're clear. Just the mailman. Hi,

everyone. I'm home every time. This

family's like a bad sitcom. Yeah, the

brain dead bunch. Dad, can we have a

slumber party and dress the dogs up and

have a pillow fight with them? Can't we?

If you want to die, you girls can do

whatever you want tonight. I've got two

dates and your mom. It's the case. The

early bird special at Denny's. Then she's

got her bingo. So Denise's mom is

dropping her off to babysit. Bruce, you

don't need to get a sitter. I'll be here.

That's what he means. We got a babysitter

for the four of you. No way. I'm

perfectly capable of taking care of this

family tonight. And I will take care of

this family when you leave for New Jersey

tomorrow. Bruce. Yeah. I mean, who

wouldn't trust?The kids with the dumb one

from Dude Where's my car?

My dad says I have to be home by



That's my date. Amber. Hey, Wolf, where

do you meet her Jamboree?

I'm going to get to Jersey. I gotta be

back at that studio by morning, and we're

trapped here with the Three Stooges.

How could it get any worse?

While you sleep, ditch while you

sleep. Gosh,

nunchucks skills, karate skills, bow

hunting skills. Girls only want

guys who have great skills.

Hey Shrek, your face matches

your teeth. Shut up, I'm

getting into this movie. Gosh.

Whoa.

Ohh

ohh

buddy

huh?

He's mine.

Lock the door and stay away from my

girls.

It's just like that time you ate the

shrimp at Hometown Buffet.

He fights like a girl.

Goodwin, Katie. Prepare to be

dog meat for meat sore.

Denise the babysitter would have put up a

better fight. Let's crash with real dad.

At least we'll be safe to rue.

It's all my fault. True Dad. I screwed

up everything. Damn Skippy. I just don't

have what it takes. You ain't never lie.

What am I doing wrong? What am I

missing?

Nunchuck skills, karate skills, bow

hunting skills. Girls only want guys

who have great skills. She's right.

Dog Bruce has been starring in

action movies for 1000 years.

You gonna learn?

Umm.

Yeah.

There's still something missing. What is

it? I'll tell you what's missing.

You gotta go back to some

deep old school 2003 years fighting.

So you kind of show those

Scientologists the science of kicking

*****. Alright, Muffin, Let's say

that ugly Beagle. Don't call me

Muffin.



And the High Priestess says, is that a

pure energy level 9 power rod in your

pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

OK, let's get serious. Give

a big Earth welcome to

Scientology's own back.

Please don't k*ll me.

If you're gonna k*ll me, you do it before

Beck starts singing.

He's an ugly

Beagle. So why don't

we k*ll him?

Show me the doggie. In the

name of Mitzi work, I present

the living sacrifice.



attics performing the sacrifice tonight

from the Scientology funded masterpiece

b*ttlefield Earth. Give it up

for the Grand Warlock himself,

Carol.

My name is Terrell. It is the highest

honor to perform this ceremony.

In the name of the high and mighty meat

sword, just make it quick, then scatter

my ashes in the Jersey air.

Stop. Let's

kick some.

What you do, what Hollywood's been trying

to do for years, you knocked out

Travolta. That's how I swing, bud.

Whoa, check out Kung Fu Kutcher.

Ohh, hell no. Look what Tom's

whipping out.

Let's see how you like a

taste of a Level 15 Electrosoul

Inversion punk. You're supposed

to say, duh, not this time.

Go ahead, sh**t.

Ashton, go home. I've got

this. No, Bruce. No way.

This is mine. Girls. Step

back. I'll sh**t, I swear.

Grab the g*n, boy. Give

me the g*n. Come on.

Stop. That's done.

You are now

powerless, he thank

you. Made

in Taiwan. It's a toy. That's just my

boy. You see those moves? I taught him

everything. He knows your heart. I think

Tiny Tim is down for the count. Not

bad, Ashton. Time.

Are you OK?

Well, that was weird. Hey

Ashton, saw you fighting up

there. You know girls love

guys with skills. Sorry, but

my heart belongs to my

grand wife Danny. Katie over

here. Bruce Willis single. Ohh,

cool. Damn home. Your

girls wanna grab your dogs and go home.

Maybe we should just let those dogs go.

Yeah, we've got Ashton now, and we'll

ride home with you, Dad.

This is it, Wolf. You're setting out for

Jersey and I'll be stowed away in Bruce's

trailer. I'll miss you, dog. That's

weird. That looks like the George

Washington Bridge, just smaller. Maybe

he's the George Jefferson Bridge. The

real bridge is in Jersey. I'll be seeing

it soon. I can't wait.

OK, everyone, you see that bridge over

there? Is it a bridge to enlightenment?

In a way, To me, it's a replica of the

George Washington Bridge. I don't get it.

I was supposed to go back to Jersey to

finish this movie, but seeing Afton today

made me realize he's growing up. You all

are, and I don't want to miss another

minute of it. Hollywood is my home now,

and that's why I'm going to finish this

movie on this back lot, huh?

Wow.

Ohh no,

no.

And over there, what on the other side

of the bridge is the Jersey side, 17

minutes on the train, 12 hours on all

fours. It's cool, dog. You might not be

with your owner right now, but it's like

the coach said, we family. Thanks, Wolf.

Hooray for Hollywood.