05x01 - Celebrity Deathmatch: Bigger and Better Than Ever!

[bunniefuu]

Tonight we'll seerich girls fighting cheap!

We'll witness no holdsbarred skater armageddon!

We'll see a battle take oneof the strangest turns ever!

It's all new andcoming your way...

right here, right now!

Back by popular demand,

it's the return ofCelebrity Death Match!

Hello ladies and gentleman,

I'm Johnny Gomez herewith Nick Diamond.

Nick it's been three yearssince this show was cancelled,

three long years of the publicclamoring for its return.

And you know, I'll behonest with you Nick,

three long, hard yearsof professional decline,

spiraling ever downward - fromhosting high line matches,

to mall openings tochildren's birthday parties,

and finally hittingrock bottom

as a recurringcharacter on Reba.

Getting that call frommy agent two weeks ago,

saying the showwas coming back,

well it caught me bycomplete surprise.

It caught everyoneby surprise Johnny.

But the importantthing is we're back,

and bigger andbetter than ever.

Well certainly bigger...

And better than ever!

And you can chalk thisvictory up to the fans.

After three years ofletters, phone calls

and only a smatteringof restraining orders,

the network executivesfinally realized

that canceling the showwas a huge mistake.

But to be fair,they're only human,

and you know what they say...

if God didn't want youto make mistakes,

He wouldn't have inventedpencils with erasers.

Or tequila, horse tranquilizersand the game Truth or Dare.

[laughter]

[sigh]

The electricity andanticipation in the arena

is amazing and we get thingsstarted off with a doozy.

Tonight's first match,

the glitteratti'sdarlings of divadom

square off in what could be

the greatest cat fightour ring has ever seen.

It's Nicole Richieand Paris Hilton.

[growl]

Easy tiger...

on any other nightthat would be enough,

but tonight that'sjust the under card.

Right you are Johnny.

We also have skate or diepunk prankster Bam Margera

taking on that all AmericanJedi Master on wheels,

Tony Hawk.

And then a fight so crazy

you'll have to seeit to believe it,

but let's go now live

to brand new correspondent,Tally Wong,

who is standing byin the lock room

with our firsttwo contestants.

Welcome to the team Tally.

Thanks guys.

It's exciting to be a part

of the brand newCelebrity Death Match.

Nicole, Paris used tobe your best friend.

What are you expecting tonight

with this being your firstface-to-face meeting

since your big split?

I don't need herfriendship anymore.

My Jewish DJ fiancéprovides for all my needs.

I thought your dadcovered all your needs.

I meant sexual.

Really?A Jewish guy?

Are you guys talkingabout me behind my back?

You're facing us Paris.

But, are youtalking about me?

Talk about me...

You see what I'vehad to put up with?

This is my interview.

This is so notabout you.

Not everythingis about you.

Can't you ever think aboutanyone but yourself?

I don't justthink about myself.

I nearly got marriedtoo you know.

Yeah...to someonenamed Paris.

Can you say 'conceited'?

Concited... consifted...conflasted...

Tell me I'm pretty.

Well, yes, you'revery pretty.

That's hot.

I'm hot.

It's hot.

Whatever!

Whatever, you.

And that sadly wasmy first interview.

I'm Tally Wong and I...

I can't rememberhow to sign off.

Looks like just being inthe same building as Paris

can suck theintelligence out of you,

wouldn't you say Nick?

Eeep.

It looks likeParis and Nicole

are anxious to get ateach other's throats

and they've made theirway into the ring.

Let's go down to our ref, theirrepressible Mills Lane.

All right ladies, I wantyou to keep it lean,

mean and sort of clean.

And no calling ondaddy to bail you out.

Now let's get it on!

We are underway.

Look Paris,something sparkly...

Pretty...

And Nicole Ritchie getsin the first punch.

Paris just took a hardone right to the mouth.

Not the firsttime Johnny.

These two fillies have somegold plated hatred to get out.

And it looks like themillion dollar blondie

might have more of afight on her hands

than she bargained for.

[hits and cheers]

That's gotta hurt.

The simple life?

A few more blows tothe head like that

and she'll be leadingthe simpleton life.

What do youwant from me?

It's our firstnight back.

Well I will say this aboutNicole Richie, she is once,

twice, three timesa bad-a*s lady.

Like that was any better.

Yeah, you see that?

I was allPop!

Oh, please.

Like hitting me in my brainpurse, is gonna hurt.

[audience reaction]

Which reminds me,

I have to wax my carcompletely bald.

And now Parisis on the attack.

She's beating on Nicole likeshe was the LA Clippers.

Oh, oh.

Paris has takenout her cell.

That phone has caused moredamage to celebrities

than co-starring in aRob Schneider movie.

Hello, it's for you.

Can you hear me now?

Oooh! Ahhhh!

Hiiii.

And now Nicole is desperatelytrying to get Paris

down on her knees.

Could be a tacticalmistake Nick,

getting Paris Hilton downon her knees won't be easy.

[Laughter]

[Cheers]

Paris, I'm going to make youthe star of my new movie...

it's called House of Whacks.

Whack! Whack!Whack! Whack!

[crowd cheering/roaring]

Had enough?

I took tinkerbell.

[roaring]

[crowd cheering]

Hey!!

Trying to leave early huh?

That figures.

You couldn't ever partyas hard as I could.

You could never keepup with me in anything.

Oh yeah, I have my ownperfume lines, just like you,

only mine has attitude!

That's hot.

Oh, oh, that's hot!

It's very, very hot!

Ow!

Oh, oh, looks like ParisHilton's picked a bad time

to forget her stop,drop and roll.

Paris is burning.

Her clothing iscompletely on fire.

And now she'staking it all off.

Paris Hilton is strippingoff her burning clothes.

Paris Hilton isnow totally naked

and writhing abouton all fours.

This is not somethingyou see everyday.

Unless of course youhave the internet.

It's too late Nick.

Clothes or no clothes, Parisis going down in flames.

Ah, pain, unbearable.

But at least my feetwill be smaller.

And the winner is...

the less burned up one.

[crowd cheering/roaring]

Johnny, I guess all youcan say is... well done.

You're back in form Nick!

A fantastic finish.

And we're justgetting started.

Stay tuned for moreoutrageous action

on the all newCelebrity Death Match.

Welcome back to the allnew CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH.

If you're just joining us,

you missedNicole Richie

sending Paris Hiltonup in smoke.

It's gonna betough to top that,

but if anyone can do it,

it's our next two celebs.

Mischievous, mayhemand millionaire

are just some of the words

that describe ournext fighter,

and they allbegin with M.

A professional havoc reeker,

his name is synonymous withrandom acts of destruction

and waging psychologicalwarfare on his parents.

Going head to head with thismad man is a cultural icon,

entrepreneur,video game pioneer,

and possibly the greatestto ever drop in vert ramp.

That's right Nick,a living legend.

The Jedi master of thehalf pipe, Tony Hawk.

One way or another thismatch is going to determine

who is the greatestskateboarder on the planet.

I hate to interrupt youJohnny...

You didn't interruptme Nick, I was--

I hate to interruptyou Johnny,

but it lookslike both men

are making theirway into the ring.

Let's go back down toTally Wong on the floor.

[cheering]

Johnny, Nick, Bam Margera ismaking his way towards the ring.

Let me see if I canget in a few words.

Bam, Bam?

Bam? If I could just...?

Yeah, I just totally scoredtongue with the interviewer.

Now...

let's try to talkwith Tony Hawk.

Tony, what's it liketo be a living legend?

Okay I guess.

I mean, you know...

Can you imagine yourlife without skating?

I guess I couldbe something else.

I guess, maybe.

That would be awesome.

[crickets chirping]

All righty then.

Well he may bea skating god,

but he's not the most sparklingof personalities, is he Nick?

Nick?

Dare, I choose dare.

[crowd cheering/roaring]

As you can see we've addedsome ramps to the ring

so these two skaterscan go head-to-head

in their own element.

Okay, you two.

You both got mad skills...

now let's seeif you can...

[sound of vomiting]

Oh, dude.

I just barfedall over the ref.

Still beats workingin Jersey.

Now let's get it on!

Hold on, I've gotto strap on my gear.

Well here's a deathmatch first Nick.

Safety.

Tony Hawk is setting agood example for the kids,

and the mothersin the audience

seem to really beappreciating this.

Seems all womenwant these days

are guys in helmetswho don't drool.

Okay, Mr. Mills,I'm ready.

And Margera drawsfirst blood.

Bad boy Bam lives up tohis devil-may-care image

by getting in a cheap shotbefore Tony Hawk was ready.

That's some harshcriticism Johnny.

I call them asI see them Nick,

and to me thatwas a cheap shot.

You want to saysomething, talk into this!

[fart noise]

It's like having Oprahhere all over again.

[Sound of skating]

Tony Hawk goes for a, a , the ...

the .

[crowd cheering/roaring]

Dude, check outmy gall bladder.

Bill, Abe,

Done! ...Ow.

The ultimateinverted move.

Looks like it mightbe lights out

for the king ofrock and roll.

Bam is about to meet his maker,courtesy of a gold medal mace.

It would take a miracleto save Bam Margera now.

Hold on, what's this?

Someone has justclimbed into the ring.

A masked man has justgotten into the ring

and is attackingTony Hawk.

Unbelievable!

I though I'd seen everything,and I've been to Bangkok.

I tell you Nick, it seemssecurity in this arena

is looser than Tara Reid.

Tony Hawk is down.

The masked man hasTony Hawk down.

Who is this guy?

I don't know who he is Johnny,but he clearly has issues.

[high squeal]

And now he's gone.

The intruder isfleeing the scene.

Who was thatmasked man Johnny?

Who indeed Nick.Who indeed.

Wow this is more excitingthan I thought it would be.

This reminds me of the firsttime I landed a loopy loop.

I was like 'wow, awesome'

and later I playedit back in my head

and I was like'wow, awesome'.

[snoring]

[battlecry]

Whoa dude.

Look at this.

Bam has just beenthrown out of the ring

and has gone into orbitaround that small moon.

That's no moon Johnny.

That's a space station.

And that's no space station,its Bam's uncle Don Vito.

[unclear mumbling]

I'll look at you whenI want to fat boy.

[unclear mumbling]

So suck it out of your shirt.

Think you're too goodto drink stain beer?

[unclear mumbling]

Fine, I'll give youmoney for another beer.

Here, here's ten bucks.

Now I'm famous.

[unclear mumbling]

Don Vito angry!Don Vito k*ll!!

Well stuff me in plastic andcall me the good couch Johnny.

Don Vito has challengedBam to a fight.

This is gettingstone mad, crazy.

We're way past crazy Nick.

We're entering CourtneyLove territory.

Hell Mr. Vito.

It's a pleasure to meet YOU!

Ow, Ow, Ow, Ow.

Unbelievable!!

Don Vito has just swallowedskating legend Tony Hawk whole.

Insert Paris Hiltonjoke here Johnny.

I'll tell you what'sbeen inserted Nick.

A whole new level of painand its name is Don Vito.

So close the doorsand light a match.

This one is aboutto get nasty.

CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH

and Nick you couldn't ask

for a better fight forour return, than this.

No you couldn't Johnny.

First we saw ex BFFs NicoleRichie and Paris Hilton

take their cat fightto a whole new level,

with Nicole sendingParis down in flames.

And then watched asskateboard legend Tony Hawk

put bad boy Bam Margeraon the defensive.

Bam was thrown from the ringwhere he went into orbit

around his moon-sizeduncle Don Vito.

And when Bam made DonVito spill his beer,

Don Vito decided toget mad and get even,

dispatching Tony Hawkby swallowing him -

Don Vito is now in the ringand has Bam in his sights.

I guess you can saythis fight is fat

with both a phand an f.

Now let's get back down tothe ring and join the action.

[sound of slapping]

Hold on there Sasquatch...

you can't just waltz in here

with your smellyfeet and start k*lling.

There are rules in my ring.

[unclear mumbling]

In that case I'll allow it.

Now get it on.

Okay Vito, I'm gonnatake you to town.

[sounds of fight]

[unclear mumbling]

[crowd cheering]

Oh, oh, oh.....

Don Vito is holding offBam's attack with ease.

And against Don Vito, he's outclassed in every category...

Except for maybe class...And that's saying something.

It certainly is Nick.

Bam is going to haveto be pretty crafty

to come out ofthis one alive.

[sound of fighting]

Oh, oh, the crowddoesn't like this Johnny.

They came to see blood,not a human game of pong...

they're beginning to throwfood into the ring.

That's food all right Nick, butthe fans aren't throwing it.

It's falling from DonVito's rolls of fat.

It's fat roll food.

The worst kind ofrolled food there is.

[unclear mumbling]

Okay Vito, you want totake a break, take a break,

and then we canplay somekick ball!

It's like having BarbaraWalters here all over again.

Don Vito is down for thefirst time in the fight,

Don Vito is down andthe odd thing is, Nick,

he's actually taller lyingdown than he is standing up.

Ohhhhhh, hoagie.

Dudes, don't try this at home

unless you havea fat f---in' uncle

with sausage fingersand a major gas problem.

Look out Vito, Bam isback on board his board

and coming infor the k*ll.

[crowd cheering/roaring]

[unclear mumbling]

[roaring]

Come and get meyou piece of trash.

I'll drop a truck on your head.

[unclear mumbling]

It's like being chasedby a bubble boy.

Whoa.

Wham, wham, wham...

Oh, oh, Vito is reallyputting the hurt on...

Can this be the end of abad boy of the half pipe?

And look at this, Don Vitois setting up for a leap.

That would spell certaindoom for anybody.

[unclear mumbling]

[phone ringing]Hello?

This is...I'm callingabout a pizza...

and calling toconfirm your order...

[unclear mumbling]

Sir, did you orderthe extra large meat lover's

with a side ofdouble chin and a*s?

[unclear mumbling]

Uh-oh!

This one looks justabout over to me Nick.

Yes it does Johnny.

Bam has totally turnedthis fight around.

It's now just a question ofhow he's gonna finish it.

I think we're justabout to get an answer.

Take a look at this.

Bam is buying somefirecrackers

off one of theaudience members.

This may be a CELEBRITYDEATH MATCH first Johnny.

And I'm not sure it's legal,

even under our laxstandards of safety.

I'll allow it!

There's our answer.

Looks like Bam isabout to make this Don

an offer he can't refuse.

But remember kids,don't try this at home.

Right you are Johnny.

We at CDM don'tcondone or advise

the blowing up ofany family member.

Except pets of course...

Right, except pets.

Smile Vito, I'm gonnasuper size you--

[unclear mumbling]

[loud expl*si*n]

I hope to God this is pudding.

Looks like we have us a winner.

Yo, pop, I'm over here.

The greatest death match ever!

I couldn't agreemore, Bam Margera,

greatest death match ever.

Until next week...

So for Nick Diamond

and all of us here atCELEBRITY DEATH MATCH,

this is Johnny Gomezsaying "Good night

and Good fight".