04x05 - De Rolo's Eleven

[bunniefuu]

[ominous music playing]

Look, I wasn't keeping secrets,
I just hadn't told you yet!

That is a secret!

[Pike] Oh, way to drop the ball,
Percival de Bozo!

Me? You were supposed to watch Grog.

Well, maybe if you hadn't left me
with my d*ck in the wind!

And what the hell, Keyleth?!

Oh, don't you dare pin this on me...

-[overlapping arguing]
-"From Tal'Dorei's great heroes

to Tal'Dorei's great zeroes"?

Oh!

[overlapping shouting]

Quiet!

How did you all screw this up so badly?

It was...

the perfect heist.

You think you can break in
to the Cobalt Archive?

-You're joking.
-Were it a jest,

you would be in hysterics.

For Taryon Darrington took
five years of improv.

Sunday Company.

Hmm. You don't say.

Shaun, we're chasing a ghost here.

In all our research,
not a single sage, text

or historian has any information
on the Whispered One.

[Pike] In my vision,
one of the warriors fighting him

wore Cobalt Soul robes.

If any record of him exists,
it's in there.

Requesting a simple scroll
from the Archive is a trial.

A secret this important?

They'll never share it.

So you plan to sneak
into a highly protected vault,

guarded by a millennia-old sect
of warrior monks,

and waltz out with knowledge so dangerous

it's been scrubbed from history?

Oh. [laughs]

It'll be far more complicated than that.

The Cobalt Archive is

a high-security library of sacred texts.

Its core vault houses the most ancient
and important relics...

including our scroll.

Which is tightly guarded
by an elite force of warrior monks.

Taryon will pose as a wealthy benefactor

making a generous donation to the Soul:

Pike's Plate of the Dawnmartyr.

Only Pike will be along for the ride,

as the monks unwittingly deliver her
right into the vault.

Meanwhile, the twins will use
a Talisman of Truth...

courtesy of you, Gilmore...

to secure the daily combination
needed to get.

Grog and Pike out of the vault.

According to Vax's contacts in the Clasp,

the vault is protected
by a sophisticated anti-magic field.

That's where Keyleth and I come in.

Once we disable the field, Grog can
bamf out of Trinket's amulet to operate

the huge mechanism
that navigates the vault.

While Pike drinks
a Potion of Comprehension

granting her the intelligence to decipher

the vault's ancient writing.

Then, we make a hasty escape
before anyone's the wiser.

Eh?

Well, any questions?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

I've got the only one that matters.

Other than guilt by association,

what do I get out of this?

The satisfaction of saving
the world from the apocalypse?

[scoffs]

How about dinner with the new guy?

Who, me?

Oh, why,

I'm flattered, but I-I I barely know you,

Mr. Glorious.

Oh, please.

Call me Shaun.

Uh, yes and.

[dramatic music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[hopeful music playing]

[monk guard] Right this way.

They've arrived, High Curator.

[Yudala Fon] Mr. Barrington, was it?

Yudala Fon,
Head Archivist of The Cobalt Soul.

We truly appreciate your donation...
if it proves genuine.

[laughs] Yes, of course.
Ah! Do be careful!

The item is quite delicate.

[Yudala Fon] Of course.
We'll take the utmost care.

[Taryon] Oh, well, thank you.

I'll have to ask your men to wait outside.

For security purposes.

Why, do you think we're going
to rob you or something? [laughs]

Many have tried.
None were heard from again.

[exclaims]

Begone, peasants. Shoo. Shoo!

The Vestige of Divergence

-appears genuine, High Curator.
-[grateful sigh]

The Soul thanks you
for your generosity, Mr. Barrington.

How did you come to such a rare artifact?

Oh, my. It's quite the tale.
[mild chuckle]

I wouldn't want to consume
more of your time.

Very well. Then perhaps I'll escort
the crate to the vault myself.

Lightning crashes!

Guarding the vestige,

a towering behemoth looms
over a small but stalwart soul.

-His name? Baryon Barrington.
-Hmm.

[dramatic music playing]

[clanging]

Ugh! f*cking c*ck.

b*tch. Ugh! f*cking wh*re...

[muffled groan]

[sighs] Hang in there, buddies.

Percy and Keyleth will shut down
that anti-magic field

and you'll be out of the amulet.

I hope.

[metal clangs, buzzes]

[indistinct chatter]

[jazzy music playing]

[squeaking]

-Contact me when you're in.
-[squeaks]

[percussive music playing]

-[Keyleth grunts]
-[bones crack]

[crackling]

Okay.

[echoing] Percy, can you hear me?

Loud and clear.
Tell me everything you see.

All right, there's a network
of blue lights

with lines extending
out of some kind of symbols.

A runic transposition code
that mechanically suppresses magic.

-How is that possible?
-Was kind of hoping you would know.

[sighs] Okay.

First you have to find and press the...

[nerdy Orc] Excuse me, sir?

-[Keyleth] Press the what?
-Don't I know you?

[guard monk] The hells?

Come on.

[intriguing music playing]

[groaning]

Oh, sh*t!

[fierce groan]

[Vex straining]

[door monk shushes] This is a library.

[relieved sighs]

[Vax] Got the Talisman of Truth?

[Vex] Right here. Let's see
who's feeling chatty today.

Oh, damn, that's bright.

[weary groaning]

[Vex] Hi, there.

Are you stupid?
This place is crawling with our order.

You won't make it out the front door.

[Vex] How rude.

-Don't you think that's rude?
-[Vax] Ew, horribly.

[Vex] Perhaps you can make it up to us
by telling us today's combination.

Ha. I'd never tell you
the vault combination.

"The heart's eye looks above.
The hand's eye looks below."

Wait. What? How did you do...

[Vax] Appreciate the honesty, friend.

You know, you look sharp
in that getup. It suits you.

-You actually look kind of dumpy.
-[scoffs]

Wh...

-f*cking scuse you?
-[stammers]

[both gasp] No.

How long did Gilmore say
that Truth b*mb lasts?

[frustrated groan] How long
is this gonna take?

The f*ck?

[exclaims]

Uh... help?

[pants, groans]

Some vault.

[ominous music playing]

Percy, could use a little guidance.

Hey!

[both groaning, thudding]

I swear I know you from somewhere.

-Highly unlikely. I really should be...
-Wait.

You're "the fancy fop"!

-The fancy what?
-I recognize you from the tour poster.

f*cking Shorthalt.

Can, uh, I get an autograph?

[both straining]

De Rolo the third.

I actually meant Scanlan's autograph.

-[groaning]
-[choking]

Percy!

He's... not here right now.

-But I can get it for you.
-Oh, wonderful!

I can't believe
you haven't heard his song.

Let me play it.

[high-pitched tuning] Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi...

[Keyleth straining]

Huh?

[alarm blares]

[yelps]

Oh... that doesn't look good.

Yet I looked majestic,

astride a flaming dolphin
in a sea of fire!

"Faster, Fiero!" I shouted,
and leapt into the fray,

unconcerned for my own safety,

confident I would acquire the armor
with honor and grace.

A harrowing tale, Mr. Barrington.

You must be glad to know
the relic is now well-protected

by our multitiered security system.

Uh, multi... tiered?

Our vault's anti-magic field is
exceptional at keeping mages out.

However, if it fails,
its magical guardians instantly activate.

[nervous chuckle] Guardians, you say?

Eh, bathroom!

-[objects clatter]
-[Taryon groans]

[Doty] Tary?

Tary?

[Pike] "Come hide in the crate,

it'll be easy, you'll read a few books..."

[weary groaning, panting]

Oh, that's a big boy.

All right, Grog. Up and at 'em.

[ragged groan] Stupid anti-magic!

f*cking Percy!

f*cking Gilmore couldn't tell us
we'd be affected as well?

I never trusted him when you were dating.

Please. Don't get me started on the g*ons
you've wasted your time with.

That oaf from the Slayer's Take made
Grog look smart.

Well, you won't have to worry about it
anymore, because I'm married.

Wait, what? No, you're not.

We secretly wed last year.

Damn it! Nobody knows. sh*t!

Uh, but...

You told me not to have
a secret wedding. Specifically.

I'm sorry, it wasn't planned, I just...

I love him so much,

and you and Keyleth have this amazing
life, exploring the world together.

Maybe part of me was jealous.

Stuck in Whitestone, maybe I wanted...

my own adventure.

Oh, please don't look at me like that.
It's not like anyone's dying.

I mean, I might be.

What? No, you're not.

What? No.

No, no, what is that?

When? W-Why, why didn't you tell me?

I thought that if I told you,
it would make it real.

Oh, gods, is that true?

Hey, you two.
Why aren't you at your posts?

[both] Because we're
breaking into the vault!

Damn it!

Hmm?

Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

Percy?!

[nerdy Orc singing off-key] ♪ Fancy fop,
in your ivory tower ♪

♪ Inventing dorky things
till the morning hours. ♪

[exasperated shout]

Okay. Think like Percy.
What do nerds like?

Numbers. History. Puzzles.

[yells] Screw it!

[panting]

[winded panting]

One... more... try...!

-[cracks]
-Oh!

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh! Yes!

We got magic.

Ha-ha! [groans]

Blech! Ugh.
It reeks of bear sh*t in there.

All right, all right.
Come on, buddies, time's ticking.

I'll drink Gilmore's brain brew
to read the scroll,

while you fire up the Knuckles
and spin these catwalks.

-Quick, give me the smarts potion.
-Ah. Much better.

-[glass shatters]
-Are you sh1tting me right now?

What? I endured that acrid aroma
for 37 minutes.

Hold up. You can't count.

I... uh, wut?

[roars]

[frenzied scream]

[Grog panting]

G-Grog?

Oh, gods, Pikey.

My mind is aglow
with whirling nodes of thought

careening through
a cosmic vapor of invention!

Wut?

It's the Potion of Comprehension.
It worked!

I, I... I'm not dumb!

[intermittent blare]

[guard monk] Hurry, to the vault!

-Well, sh*t.
-Huh. That's a lot of security.

Well, of course.

Last time he held a secret show,
a riot broke out.

"He" who?

Wait. Y-Y-You don't mean...?

Nobody. Certainly not in the lecture hall.

-I... I've said too much.
-Holy sh*t. Scanlan?

Here? Oh, Fancy Fop, you're my hero. Whoo!

I'm so sorry, Keyleth.
We haven't much time.

To disarm the field,
you'll have to identify

-some sort of pa...
-[squeaks]

Keyleth? What about the anti-magic field?

I already shut it down, Mr. Not Helpful!

[Doty] Tary. Tary.

-Tary. Tary. Tary.
-That's not a good "Tary," is it?

"Anti-magic field off
equals magic guardians on."

-Oh, dear.
-We've got to warn them.

[guard monk] You three.
Stop. Hey! Get back here!

[Pike strains] Grog!

I needed to take the potion
so you could spin the giant wheel!

Wait, Grog, what are you doing?

Hmm. According to this index
written in ancient Qoniiran,

a scroll containing the knowledge we seek
is kept up on the fifth shelf level.

-Way up there!
-[steps thudding]

[Pike] Huh?

-[Grog] Uh...
-f*cking what?

Is that a statue?

Uh, we may want to seek
an alternate means of egress!

[dramatic music playing]

[grunts]

[ragged groan]

[growls]

[guardian chuffing]

[groaning]

[fierce groan]

Grog? [stammers] What are you doing?

Listen. If there's one thing I've learned
in the past 20 seconds,

it's that necessity is
the mother of invention.

We improvise.

[deep voice] Whoa!
Holy sh*t, I'm a monstah.

Nice. Now, maneuver me onto the catwalk
with the appropriate velocity

that I might calculate a trajectory
past the guardian to our quarry.

Wut?

Huh. [clears throat, inhales]

You crank. I find book.

Aw, hell yeah.

[♪ "Monstah" playing]

♪♪

[cracking]

♪ Well, she stepped inside the room
and the boys said "damn" ♪

♪ With muscles all buff,
she's a rough, tough ma'am ♪

♪ Punchin' so fast,
you feel your body shakin' ♪

♪ Bite you in the a*s
like a yoked rattlesnake ♪

♪ Girl takes one swing
and it ain't no thing ♪

♪ Stick your arm out to stop her,
now it's in a sling ♪

♪ She used to be small
but now she ain't playin' ♪

-[grunting]
-♪ When the veins start poppin' ♪

♪ Well, you better start prayin' ♪

♪ Monstah, it's upon ya ♪

♪ She's a brawler, shot caller ♪

♪ Monstah, you a goner ♪

♪ It'll haunt ya...

Boom! [chuckles]

I could get used to this.

Oh... Terrible time to gain awareness
of my own mortality.

Come on. Get it together, man!

I would like to read!

Huh. This side is all metaphysics
and philosophy.

Huh. Totally useless.

Spin, Pikey! Spin like the wind!

[groans, whimpers]

[Yudala Fon] We are experts
at acquiring information, Mr. Barrington.

Now it's time you told the truth.

Ha! t*rture me,

pull my fingernails,

ensorcell me with enchantments.

I'll never break. Never bend.

Never give up
mine boon companions. [groans]

[shrieks] It's Vox Machina.
They're in the vault.

My real name is Darrington.
Please don't hurt me.

To the vault, with me!

Egads. I must warn them. [straining]

[vibrant music playing]

[exclaims]

Eh. Really?

Where did this... Blight... even come from?

When we brought Percy back...
the Matron... as a-a punishment, I think!

And this is how I find out?

Halt!

Would you have told me?

No, absolutely not.

-I see your point.
-[Yudala Fon clears throat]

Perhaps we can get into the details when
we're not about to get our asses kicked?

[harsh groaning]

Oh! Oh! Pikey, hold on. Back me up!

[deep groaning]

Oh. If happiness weren't
a construct, I'd be elated.

"A Secret Account of the Sealing
of the Whispered One."

Ha! I am so f*cking smart!

Hmm?

[grunts]

[ragged groan]

[Grog] No. Just need a little more time...

No! Ah!

-[growls]
-[mighty groaning]

[groans]

[grunting]

[choking]

[heavy groaning]

-Victory!
-[clinks]

Hmm. Why didn't that work?

[anguished groaning]

[urgent music playing]

Uh?

[loud grunt]

[guards groan]

[Keyleth] sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

-Ah... adventure!
-Tary!

-Doty!
-Percy!

Your plan sucks.
I'm getting us out of here!

[Yudala Fon] I don't know
what you lot hoped to accomplish,

but I won't allow
this blessed place of knowledge

to be sullied any further.

[thudding steps]

-Ah!
-What the f*ck?

Now's our chance!

[Vax] Quick, the combination.

"The heart's eye looks above..."

"The hand's eye looks below."

Finally, our luck is turning.

-Pike? What are you doing?
-Improvising!

Look, I know Scanlan's in there,

so I am not moving from this spot.

[yelps]

[all screaming]

Ugh. Even for us, that was depressing.

We couldn't have f*cked that plan
any harder if we tried.

But it was all a ruse.

A cunning distraction while you acquired
what we needed, right?

-Adorable.
-Right.

-Nah.
-Sweet summer child.

We're probably on every watch list
in Rexxentrum by now.

Yeah, we can never come back here.

Pike. You really didn't learn anything?

We had it.
And it slipped through our fingers.

All that trouble for nothing.

Almost nothing.

[screams]

Oh, my gosh! Uh, Grog? You're awake!

-[panting]
-Buddies! You okay?

Somebody get a pencil.

Cuz I read a whole lot in that scroll
and only got 63 seconds to get it all out.

-You mean...?
-[Grog] Yeah.

I know what happened to the Whispered One.

♪ Fancy fop in your ivory tower ♪

♪ Inventing dorky things
till the morning hours ♪

♪ In love with machines
and it's so absurd ♪

♪ Why, oh, why are you such a nerd? ♪

♪ Can't you be cool, can't you be cool? ♪

♪ People say that you're a tool ♪

♪ Can't you be cool? ♪

Chirp.