04x04 - Taryon, My Wayward Son

[bunniefuu]

[grand, sweeping music playing]

♪ The air is ringing ♪

♪ Deastok is singing ♪

♪ and its refrain is ♪

♪ Darrington! ♪♪

[fireworks whistling]

Ah, home again.

Doty, take this down.

[Pike groans] -After the catastrophe
at Antlers' coronation, Vox Machina...

Are we really trusting some stranger

who just happens to know
about the gems our enemies used?

[sighs] He's all we've got.

At best, he's an idiot.

At worst, he's a brilliant mastermind
leading us to our doom.

[Doty] Tary.

Place your bets.

[sighs] Pike, lately the Matron
has seemed rather ominous.

Well, that sounds like her.

Have you received any visions or,
or signs from the Everlight?

We... [clears throat] w-we don't
really have that sort of relationship.

[Taryon] Voilà!

We've arrived!

Papa, thine baby boy
hath returned. [chuckles]

As I live and breathe.

[giggles] Ah!

[laughs]

-The Vox Machina.
-Huh?

In my humble cottage?

Howaardt Darrington, at your service.

[clears throat] And...?

Oh, and you.

[dramatic music playing]

♪♪

♪♪

[Howaardt] What a shock.

Quelle surprise.

How on earth did Taryon lure
such esteemed guests to my doorstep?

[scattered muttering]

Money?

[laughs uproariously]

And funny, too.

Tary, you could learn a thing
from these folks.

Uh, speaking of which,
where are your manners, boy?

Oh, right, introductions.

[stammers nervously]

Uh, Antlers, Little Elf Boy,
Little Elf Girl, Greg, Spike, and...

Percival Fredrickstein von Musel
Klossowski de Rolo III.

Which one of us is Greg?

I'm sorry, have we met?

Not yet, but I've always respected
the De Rolo family.

Actually, I was on the verge
of a trade deal with your parents

at the time of their passing.

-Such a shame.
-[Taryon] Uh... Papa,

I-I bear news of the brigands
you sent me to dispatch.

Let me guess, you lost my gems.

It's fine, brigands are tough.

No one expected you to succeed.

Speaking of gems,
we've come here to ask about a specific...

Ah! Before any business,
you simply must have a proper tour.

Vox Machina in my estate.

I guess Tary didn't totally
muck things up.

That's a first.

[chuckles nervously] Isn't he a card?

-Mm.
-Mm-hmm.

[Taryon] Oh, uh, Papa, do wait.

Over there,
the anchor of a Lucidian shipwreck.

A scepter plundered from the ruins
of a Wildmother temple.

And to the right, a sacred burial urn
created during the Age of Arcanum.

[Keyleth] This inscription.

It's an Earth Ashari stone shaping tablet.

They've been looking
for these for decades.

-How did you...
-So that's what it is.

Fascinating.

Bought it off some pirates.

Cleeves, update the plaque.

[chuckles] The history of Exandria
is rich, is it not?

Even richer if you don't loot it.

[dissonant whispering]

[gasps] That amulet.

Where'd you get that?

Black market.

It's some voodoo fertility charm.

Rather boring
next to my most recent acquisition,

which I keep in my private office.

[snaps fingers]

Come in, come in, and behold...

the skull of Umbrasyl.

-[gasping]
-Must. Smash!

The Chroma Conclave
may have been destructive,

but it was great for business.

They wiped out half of my competitors.

-[laughs] Yay.
-[laughs]

The Protectors of the Realm,

saving the world and my bottom line.

Though I'd love to add a new rare export
to my portfolio.

Maybe some quality
whites tone residuum, hmm?

We're here to talk about this.

Shadowstone.

Some very bad people used it
to hurt my father.

We just want to know where it comes from.

My dear, I'm sorry
for the pain it's caused you,

but I'm drawing a blank
on this "shadow-whatsit."

Uh, actually, Papa,

I believe you discovered it
in one of the northern dig sites, yes?

Right. Of course you'd obsess over
the most useless mineral I ever mined.

We sealed that site years ago.

Apologies I couldn't be of more help.

Uh, Cleeves, set the dining room
for a customary nine-course meal,

though maybe just a salad
for this chubby chap.

Honestly, boy, at least try to look
respectable in front of guests.

[chuckles nervously]

[Cleeves] I'll alert
the kitchen staff, sir.

[Doty] Tary.

I can smell a conniving dickwad,
even through expensive cologne.

Right? I told you
the Darringtons are shady.

We need to get back into
that crusty prick's office.

Sounds like a stealth job. Sister?

[whimsical music playing]

[Vex strains] Gosh, you know,

we are ever so tired from our journey.

-No appetite whatsoever.
-[Grog] What?

Speak for yourself. I'm starvin'.

Oof. Hey.

Ugh, oh, I understand.

Uh, perhaps tomorrow.

Uh, Cleeves, show them to their rooms.

And make sure
no one disturbs me in my office.

-It'll be a long one.
-[clears throat]

Oh, uh, you know what?

Before you hit the books,

perhaps you and I could discuss
our business elsewhere?

Fancy a nightcap? [chuckles]

[laughs heartily]

-I'll open the good stuff.
-Nightcap?

[scoffs] No, thanks. Not a hat guy.

No, Grog, that means late-night booze.

Uh, what? what? Late-night booze?

Then by all means, lead the way.

[groans] Greg.

[Cleeves] As you can see,

we have the tightest security
in all the Dwendalian Empire,

so rest easy knowing
you're well-protected.

[sighs] Well-watched, you mean.

[Taryon] Cleeves doesn't jest.

Darrington doors do not budge,
I assure you.

Whenever we'd have visitors,
Papa would lock me in my room

for days and days.

You know, in case they had
some sort of ill intent.

Isn't it inspiring when a father
protects those he loves?

-[clears throat] Tary.
-[laughs]

Isn't it past your bedtime?

Uh, yes.

[Doty] Tary.

Anyway, your rooms are right this...

Wait, where are the half-elves?

Oh, Keyleth, what the f*ck?

Huh, your wa-water,
your water broke, Pike.

And your baby...

[gasps] Oh, my God, it's time.

What?

Oh, oh, yes. Right.

Ow, I am super-duper pregnant.

-[groans nervously]
-[Pike wails]

Ah-ow!

-[Keyleth] Okay, just breathe.
-[panting]

Whoa, it's so close, it's right there!

Push. Pike, push!

Uh, no! Uh, don't push. Not yet.

Uh, I-I'll be back.

Okay, next time
give yourself the soggy cooch.

I had to make a choice.

[Taryon] Good night,

sleep tight,

don't let the rust mites bite.

[gentle music playing]

Hmm.

[Vax sighs] Damn Darrington contraptions.

Nothing. Just ledger after ledger
of stolen shipments.

-Tedious.
-Yeah, maybe too tedious.

[soft mechanical chugging]

[machinery clicking]

[mysterious music playing]

Ha, gotcha.

-What does it say?
-Oh, just that

the stolen shipments
contained shadows tone.

-[door thuds open]
-[Taryon] Halt, intruders,

or feel the sting of...

What... what are you doing here?

If Papa catches you,
oh, you will get quite the spanking.

But, uh, but he said
he didn't know about shadows tone.

That old mine?
According to this, it's open.

-And not far away.
-[pages flapping]

Mm, uh, he...

Oh, but... that doesn't mean
he's guilty of anything.

At least not yet.

And if you come with us to the mine,
we can rule him out.

"Clear an innocent man"
is on my adventure list.

I'm guessing
"Prove yourself to your father" is, too?

Yes. This is my chance.

My chance to show him how bold,
how brave, how fearless...

he already knows I am.

-[door opens]
-[footsteps approaching]

[shrieks in panic]

Milord, there's an impending birth
on the premises.

Milord?

I saw the lanterns on
and assumed you were still

hard at work?

Sir?

[tense music playing]

It appears we have some guests
that require attention.

[wind blowing softly]

We were right.

Tary's dad has been shipping shad...

What-what... what's with your pants?

-Don't ask.
-Don't ask.

Uh, why is he here?

The little elf twins suspect my father
is being hypnotized by rogue competitors.

Oh, boy, we're doing this now?

Yes, Pike. Luckily, Taryon
is going to escort us to the mine

to clear his papa's name.

Wow, you guys really are heroes.

I have never felt so supported in my life.

More support!
Much more support, bird man, please!

[screeches sharply]

[Taryon shouting in panic]

[Howaardt laughs heartily]

So this egghead says,
"Sir, if you keep boring here,

the whole mine will cave in,"
and I fire back,

"I may be boring,
but you're downright dull."

[cackles]

Then, a week later, the whole thing
collapsed and k*lled several people.

[laughs]

-[chuckles politely]
-Ah.

-[glass shatters]
-I don't get it.

Aha. I see you've noticed
my divination wall.

[ominous music playing]

These magical mirrors
snoop on all my properties at once.

-Hired the best enchanters to make it for me.
-[gasps]

Spared no expense.

You know, De Rolo, if we make a deal,

I could have one of these installed
in whites tone for you.

Fascinating.
Such state-of-the-art security,

yet somehow
your shipments keep getting robbed.

Doesn't make a man too confident
in a potential business partner.

[Howaardt] Well,
it's the crime rate these days.

Immigration from Xhorhas.

You can't fault me for the actions
of monsters streaming across our borders...

Oh! I tire of talk of profit margins.

What say we make this negotiation
more interesting?

With a, a wager
for the residuum shipping rights.

A wager, eh?

[laughs playfully]

I have just the thing.

Feast your eyes on these.

[Grog] Cards?

[scoffs] Yawn.

Oh, this is no ordinary deck.

This is a...

Deck of Infinite Possibilities.

-Ooh.
-It's a legendary enchanted deck.

Some cards create fantastic boons.

Others, deadly banes.

Drawing a card
is the ultimate game of roulette,

dangerous enough
to damn your soul or save it.

I didn't know it was real.

[cackles] Oh, it's real all right.

A poker buddy of mine
drew one card on a dare and, poof,

never seen or heard from again.

[laughs heartily]

First person to quit drawing loses.

What do you say?

Uh...

[atmospheric music playing]

-[wood creaking]
-[metal clanging in distance]

[guard] Get one more hand.
Load it on the belt.

[guard 2] Drill's ready.

Psst, Tary. Notice anything?

Like how Darrington guards
are working a Darrington mine

to make weapons
kept in a secret Darrington ledger?

My God. I see it now.

A cabal of business rivals have hired
Papa's guards to frame him.

-[all sighing]
-Oh, geez.

He's so close to getting it.

[tense music playing]

[Howaardt] Scared?

Not a worry. I'll go first.

Ha, ha! Brilliant!

Money! [laughs]

Wait. Silver pieces?

Ugh, annoying.

Oh, well, I can melt it down later.

[clears throat] Your turn, De Rolo.

The next card could be anything.

A phantom, a plague, a curse.

Yeah, or more money!

-Gimme.
-[whimpers nervously]

[neighs]

[majestic music playing]

[snorts softly]

No way.

I got a f*ck' unicorn? Aw.

C'mere, little Corny.

Oh. Corny?

[screeches monstrously]

[Taryon] Attention, miscreants.

You have betrayed my father's trust,
sullying his honorable reputation.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

-And lo shall the enemies...
-Keep it coming, golden boy.

When you let him do his thing,
it is surprisingly effective.

[Taryon in distance] ...shines brightest
on the darkest of hearts.

[dramatic music playing]

[dissonant whispering]

-[Taryon] And no flame burns truer...
-[coughing]

Than the spark of justice

inside the soul of Taryon Darrington.

-[clears throat]
-Oh.

Thank the Dawnfather. Cleeves.

We must shut down this operation at once.

Surrender peacefully, or face the wrath
of my valet's terrible might.

[ominous music playing]

Now you're really in for it.

Ooh. Cleeves.

Is that a Doty armor prototype?

-Tary.
-[groans in pain]

You're on time-out.

Vox Machina is here.

-k*ll them all!
-[guard] Come on.

-[guard 2] Find them.
-[guard 3] Get 'em.

[guard 4] Halt.

[guard 5] Don't move.

[sighs] Oh, crap.

[machinery chugging]

This feels familiar.

[pulse beating]

[Esreé echoing] We have
the lich surrounded!

[warrior] Focus your magic!

[warrior 2] No, he's become too powerful.

-The binding spell.
-Stand strong.

The Whispered One
shall not prevail this day.

[gasps, groans in pain]

-[screeching ferociously]
-[warrior 2] He's breaking the seal.

[screams defiantly]

[groans, shouts]

-[groans in pain]
-What the hell, Pike?

-We need you.
-Sorry, sorry.

I-I w... I was distracted.

-[guard] More of them.
-[guard 2] Over here!

[strains]

[guards groan]

[Taryon] But, Cleeves,

how could you do this to me? Me!

You raised me, swaddled me.

You changed my diapees.

Little elf twins! Help!

[grunting with effort]

[annoyed sigh]

[groans]

[whimpers, pants]

This suit will be your doom.

[whirring]

[both groaning]

-[groans]
-Ha!

[Keyleth] Back off!

-[whirring]
-Afraid not.

[groaning]

B-But my Doty designs were locked
in my room.

-In my private journal!
-[thudding nearby]

I feel so violated.

Who would do such a horrible thing?

[all] Your dad!

[whimpers]

-Taryon, are you going to sit there wallowing...
-[loud thud]

or finally do something about it?

Fight, man. Fight!

-[growling]
-[whimpering]

Now this is fun, fun, fun!

-Aah!
-[growls]

-[high-pitched whirring]
-[Grog] Oh, sh*t.

[both yelling]

[pants, yells]

[roaring]

-[g*nsh*t]
-[Percy yells]

[neighs weakly]

[laughs]

Huh? What in the world?

-I see.
-[groans]

Hmm?

-[straining]
-What a shame.

You would have made
a profitable partner, De Rolo.

[gasps] A magic carpet? Sweet!

Unfortunate things had to end this way.

I do hope you understand.

It's just business.

Oh, bollocks!

[gasps sharply]

[dramatic music playing]

[Vax] What's that damn suit made of?

[gasps sharply]

[yells]

[yells]

[groaning]

Keyleth! Vex! I have an idea.

Did he just get our names right?

Bro, we kind of don't have time
for your adventure book nonsense.

No, please. Trust me. I can help.

[Vax and Pike grunting with effort]

-[Keyleth] Hey!
-[groans]

[Cleeves] Water?

You going to clean my armor
before I smash in pretty boy's face?

[Taryon] Ha!

The only pretty boy in these parts is me!

Quickening quartz!

[straining]

Brava! Looks like
your aim isn't too... rusty.

No, Tary. Just... no.

Taryon Darrington... saved the day.

"Defeat a mechanized doppelgänger." Check.

"Save my friends,
but first make friends to save." Check.

[whimpers]

[both groan]

How did I raise such a witless f*ck up?

Taryon, you have single-handedly ruined
the Darrington family name!

Oh, I'm glad
your mother isn't around to see this.

[groaning]

You little sh*t. I never should have...

[muffled complaining]

Papa, you're going to listen to me.

All my life,
I've tried to prove myself to you.

When being me wasn't enough,

I-I tried to act like a hero
from my storybooks.

The ones I read to escape
your constant judgment and derision.

But in my short time with Vox Machina,

they've shown me more love and kindness
than you ever did.

-Really?
-Yoiks.

I am not unworthy, Father. You are.

You ruined the Darrington name.

A name which I hereby swear
to spend my life rehabilitating

into the shining beacon of hope
for which it once proudly stood.

Doty, did you get that?

[insects chirping]

Oh, damn it, someone remember that speech.

It was really good.

In the span of 24 hours, you've caused
unfathomable amounts of property damage

and confronted a lifetime
of internalized parental issues.

-Welcome to Vox Machina.
-[Vax chuckles]

[Howaardt complains indistinctly]

-Grog?!
-Percy?

-Grog?
-Where are you?

-Percy?
-Can you hear us?

Shutting down the source
of the cult's weapons is great and all,

but we still don't know anything
about the cult.

Actually, um, I do.

I had a vision.

That cavern.

A spinning orb,
a, a champion in blue robes.

Guys, the Whispered One was there.

Did the Everlight give you that vision?

Not... exactly.

[Taryon] Aha!

[gasps]

-[Grog] Ah, you're my best friend, Corny.
-[Percy straining]

[high-pitched] "Your friendship
is all the magic I need, Grog."

[whinnies, sputters]

-[regular voice] What?
-It has been three hours of my life.

[Taryon] ♪ The air is ringing ♪

♪ Deastok is singing ♪

♪ and its refrain is Darring... ♪

♪ Tons of fun I am,
hang out and you will see ♪

♪ how witty, bold,
and entertaining I can be ♪

♪ I'm fearless and sassy
and altogether classy ♪

♪ The prettiest boy
that you ever did see ♪

♪ When evil comes my way ♪

♪ my magic saves the day ♪

♪ I throw a gem and, poof ♪

♪ the monster turns into a baby ♪

♪ Ooh, go, Tary ♪

♪ The air is ringing ♪

♪ Deastok is singing ♪

♪ and its refrain is ♪

♪ Darrington! ♪♪

Chirp.