03x06 - Almost Famous

[bunniefuu]

This Tuesday,
our very own Aimee Morris

makes her debut
in the Priscilla Presley musical

Priscilla Untold.

However, her road to stardom
has not been a smooth one.

Nay, it has been paved with tragedy.

At the tender at age of five,

she was cast in the school nativity,
but not as Mary.

That coveted role went to
arch acting nemesis Millie James.

Aimee was cast as...

Palm Tree Two.

Fuming.

I can see the performance.
Shh.

Trees don't talk.
AIMEE: Yeah, well, this one does!

And I'm still not as wooden
as your Mary.

Oh!

To the Year 8 talent show,

when Aimee stunned everyone
with her performance of...

TUNELESS: ♪ Never enough... ♪
AIMEE LAUGHS

♪ For me

♪ For me...

♪ For me... ♪

US ACCENT: And you, baby.

LAUGHS

But just hours before the show,
Millie James's nan tragically lost

her brave battle
with Parkinson's disease.

Course she did.
f*ck's sake!

And just like that,
Aimee's performance was forgotten.

Ugh!

Year 10,
and after absolutely no coercion,

Mr Dunn cast Aimee
as Sandy in Grease.

r*cist against gingers,
are you, sir?

Think gingers are too revoltin'
to play a lead role, do you, sir?

No, no, it's yours.

Finally, a chance to leave
an unforgettable mark on that stage.

But then
Mason Perry got so nervous,

he couldn't go on as Danny Zuko.

f*ck's sake!
So up stepped Millie James

to deliver
another soaring performance.

You.

BOTH: ♪ Tell me more, tell me more
Did she put up a fight

♪ Shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop

♪ Shoo-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop... ♪

But despite these tragedies,
she has risen from the ashes

like a Liverpudlian phoenix,
and we are so happy for her.

She really deserves this.

MUSIC: 'Brave'
by Sara Bareilles.

ALL CHEERING

No, I'm dead proud of you, girl.
You have fought so hard for this.

Thanks, girl.

And even if you're sh*t,
I'll give a standing ovation.

And if no-one else joins in,
I'll be ripping out chairs

and smashing 'em
over people's heads.

You what?

BOTH LAUGH

Boys, Aimee's got her big musical,

Mia-Louise is on her way
to playing for England.

They're chasing their dreams,
making things happen.

And we're just sitting here,
rotting!

Do you know what, lad?
You're spot-on. Yes.

I'm running out of time to scran
one of your mas' arses here. Perve.

Oh!
No, no.

Not just your mas. Any older bird.

Imagine I actually did it.

Instant cult status.

And I'd have achieved everything
I have ever wanted

at the tender age of 16.

But listen, I'm not talking
about older women's arses.

I'm talking about dreams
that actually matter,

dreams that make you proud
to wake up in the morning.

Look, school's nearly done,

and we've got one shot
to make something of ourselves.

That's why I'm gonna be making
calls, emailing start-ups.

And you lot should, too,

because sometimes,
it's just one phone call,

one choice
that can change your life.

Mm?

MUSIC: 'Chaise Longue'
by Wet Leg.

PHONE BUZZING

TRACY: 'I know what you're doing,
Mia-Louise.'

What, are you following me?
'I've got eyes everywhere.'

Your mum, Mr Meacher,

the fella who owns the shop
you just bought your crisps from.

Worcester sauce, eh?
I didn't know it was back.

Oh, people say the same
about my chlamydia, Trace.

This is your second strike.
What, for a chlamydia joke?

No. You missed Saturday's training.
'Nah.'

See, I had this mate's thing
that I had to go to.

See, we had this party for her

because she's just got
the main role in this musical.

Well, you need to tell me that,
Mia-Louise.

'I would have cancelled training,

'brought the whole squad
to celebrate with a big banner.'

"Congratulations,
Mia-Louise's mate."

In fact, we might rename
the whole club after her [!]

All right, Trace. I get it.
'But do you, though?'

Cos this is it, Mia-Louise -
crunch time,

the week you find out
if you stay with us.

'There's no going back, no redos.'

Look...

it's OK to feel the pull of fun.

'But there's a difference
between thinking about it

'and letting it stop you
doing something special.'

I know it's hard, but I also know
what you're capable of,

so don't waste it.

All right. I won't waste it.

Good. I'll see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow?!

Just the last game of the season
to win the league.

No big deal [!]
Do you not read the WhatsApp group?

'The game got moved forward
to Tuesday.

'Their first team needed
the pitch for a cup game.'

Yeah, but what about...?
Is that a problem?

No.

I'll see you then.

SIGHS

RINGING TONE

Hello, Mrs Fassi.

I'm calling from IT Support Services
at Allsbrooke School.

Uh-huh.

I'm afraid Mo's been using
the laptop we issued him with

to look up
sexually explicit content,

which has now spread a virus
on the school system.

THEY SNIGGER

For now,
there'll be no further action,

but can you open up the search
history on the laptop, please?

Yeah. Erm, OK.

Can you please read out anything
you identify as porn content

so that we can cleanse the files
from the school system?

OK, yeah. Erm...

"Natural t*ts girl
sucks a thick rod.

"Three on one rough a**l with DP"?!
Oh.

LAUGHING Boys, boys...

Boys, you're on speaker. Stop it.

"Big a*s V cake...

"with squirting and smashing.

"Cream Pie Compilation Six"?!

What is the matter with you, son?
Mum, it's...

Shut up! Boys!

Hello. Thank you.

Yeah, I think
we've got all we need. Bye-bye.

You can't even focus long enough
to finish your homework,

but you made it all the way
to Cream Pie Compilation Six?!

Er...
Don't.

I told you that'd be funny.
OK, it was funny.

We can't exactly put "Ruined
Mo's life" on our CVs, can we?

So can we please start thinking
about our careers now?

Do you know what, boys?
He's right, you know.

We need to start thinking
about our future.

Yes, Connor! Gonna need Mo to
send us that big arse V cake link.

THEY LAUGH You little mush.

Can you believe
it's actually tomorrow?

What if I wake up
and I can only speak Japanese?

I've heard that can happen,
you know.

Yeah, I don't think
that can happen, girl.

Hey, listen, though,

how would you feel if I said
that I couldn't make it tomorrow

because our last league match
got pulled forward?

Well, obviously,
I'd never speak to you again,

go through my phone
and delete every photo of us,

then sign up to some top secret
experiment to have me memories wiped

so I never knew you existed.

Mm, OK, so you'd be all right
about it, then?

Look, I'll make it up to you,
I promise.

Honestly, girl, it's sound.

We're both doing
what we've always dreamed of.

Yeah. Suppose so.

I'm thinking of the positives.

You not being there means

one less person shouting,
"Show us your t*ts!"

MIA-LOUISE LAUGHS

What if I completely mess this up?

Like fall over or forget the words?
Aimee, stop it.

Don't let nerves get in the way.
You've got to focus.

You've got no idea how far
this opportunity could take you.

PHONE PINGS

You've worked too hard
to bottle it now.

This is just the start, you know.

I always knew you were destined
for big things.

And together,
we can take on the world.

World domination sounds boss, Mum.

But right now, I'd settle
for not falling flat on my arse.

ANNA CHUCKLES

I'll go and get you a drink.

You need to hydrate
to calm your nerves.

AIMEE SIGHS,
PHONE PINGS

You all right, Ames?

I know you don't want me there
tonight, love.

And that really hurts because I...
I think about

all the times I helped you get
ready for shows in your bedroom,

practising lines with you
till you finally got them right.

I suppose I just always thought

we'd be sharing
this moment together.

Look, I'm so proud to be your dad.

And no matter
what happens between us...

you'll always be my little girl.

Remember that.

I love you.

VOICES OUTSIDE

Oh. Come here.

You've smudged your eyeliner.

MUSIC: 'Boogie Wonderland'
by Earth, Wind & Fire.

♪ Boogie Wonderland

♪ Dance

♪ Dance
Ooh, ooh, ooh, dance

♪ Boogie Wonderland
Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Dance... ♪

WOMAN: Excuse me.

Is there a cloakroom?

I, er...

No idea.

I've only just learned
that this bit's called the foyer.

Oh, sorry.
I thought you were an usher.

It's the... the shirt.
Oh.

Yeah, that. That's me ma, that.

She says I have to dress smart
for the theatre.

So you don't mind if I sneak in
some vodka?

No, no, no.

I... I, erm, I've smuggled worse,
you know?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, Haribo city mix.

Two packs.
Oof. Two packs!

You know, I, er...

do love a bad boy.

INNER VOICE WHISPERS: Bad boy.

HE EXHALES HEAVILY

Lad... who was that?

I think I'm in, you know.

ALL LAUGHING

Right, girls, I am buzzing
that it all comes down to this

because if you wanna be champions,

this is the type of game
you should live for.

Big games make big players.

Here's the team.

LAUGHTER,
LIVELY CHATTER

I'm not on the team?

What about everything
you said yesterday?

I meant every word.
But you know how we do things here.

And your running stats
last week don't touch Skye's.

Come on, you know I'm well better
than she is.

Who cares if she runs?
She still can't cross for sh*t.

I care

cos their number 11's gonna cause us
all kinds of problems,

and I know she'll track back.

SIGHS

Aw. Your sulking face has
more intensity than your sprints.

MUSIC: 'Talk To Me'
by Catherine Russell.

♪ Mm, talk to me

♪ Hold me close... ♪

Erm, excuse me, madam.
Mm-hm?

I'm a usher here,

and there's rumours
that you've smuggled in some vodka.

No, no vodka.

The only thing I've smuggled in
is these two ripe melons.

Wanna see if you can find the pips?

SHE LAUGHS,
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Er, are you enjoying the show?

No, to be honest.
I'm struggling to stay awake. Oh.

Why don't I give you my number?

Maybe you could tell me
something to stimulate me.

Yeah, I'm the meme king,
I'll sort you out.

Not memes. I'm after something
a bit more... personal.

Oh, like... compilation
of my best FIFA rage quits?

No, thanks.

I want something
a bit more impressive.

Me eating, erm,
eight hot dogs in under two minutes?

How about just one big hot dog
with plenty of girth,

standing proud?

One big hot dog, standing proud.
Got it.

Oh!

What was that? You can't drift
your way through this, Aimee.

This is your chance.
What's going on?

Mum, did you really mean it

when you said you couldn't face
the idea of having any more kids?

Of course I meant it.

All I've been able to think about
is being your mum again.

And that's why I care so much about
you not throwing this chance away.

Now, come on.

Get yourself together.

PHYSIO: How are you feeling?
SKYE: Really hurting here.

I don't think I can go back on.

TRACY: This is your moment,
Mia-Louise.

Get out there and change this game.

Let everyone see the fire
I know you've got.

And f*cking track back.

PLAYER: You're supposed to be
in defence, what are you doing?

LIVELY CHATTER

getting past a brick wall.

All right, listen up! Oi!

Do you wanna know why we're losing?

It's not cos they're better.

It's cos we're not enjoying it.

We're playing like we're afraid
to make a mistake.

And do you know what, girls?
I get it.

Soon, we're gonna find out
if we get another year,

but fear never wins matches.

Do you see how many little girls
were out there watching us?

They're gonna love playing now,

but you know what happens next,
don't you?

They're gonna get to, like, 13,
and most of them are gonna quit.

I know cos that's exactly
what I did.

I struggled with being the only girl
round ours who played,

and I struggled with needing
the extra fight

to get stuck in with the boys.

And do you know what?
I struggled with puberty,

when suddenly, I was more bothered
about my body than football.

And that's why this game matters.

We're playing for those little girls
who are gonna hit that moment,

and they're gonna feel
like walking away.

Look, we owe it to them
so that when that moment comes,

they're gonna remember us
enjoying ourselves,

and they're gonna keep going.

So, when we get back out there,

I wanna see the reason
that you fought so hard,

the reason that you battled
through that judgement,

the reason why we're here
right now in this dressing room.

Because we love playing.

So, whatever happens in our careers,

let's make this moment the one
that we look back on and think,

thank God we didn't quit
when the world told us to stop.

Come on, girls!

ALL: Yeah!
Get up!

Come on!

MUSIC: 'Black Betty'
by Ram Jam.

Tip from an old pro -
sh**t from the base, lad.

Gives it authority,

like it's leading
an army of flaccid c*ck.

♪ Bam-ba-lam... ♪

Rub some coconut oil on it, lad.

Get that bad boy shining.

Oh!

AIMEE AS PRISCILLA:
When I first met you,

I thought I could choose
how close I...

Oh, my God,

I've got an interview tomorrow for a
junior marketing assistant position.

Some Indian company.
Lad, how have you blagged that?

I don't know. Must have been
one of the start-ups I emailed.

I told you,
if you put yourself out there,

it could set you on your path.
ZIPPER OPENS.

Lad? What are you doing?
CONNOR CLEARS THROAT.

SONG: 'You Were Always On My Mind'

I was already on my way to you.

♪ Maybe I didn't treat you

♪ Quite as good as I should have

♪ Maybe I didn't love you

♪ Quite as often as I could have

♪ Little things
I should have said and done

♪ I just never took the time

♪ You were always on my mind

♪ You were always on my mind

♪ Maybe I didn't hold you

♪ All those lonely, lonely times

♪ And I guess I never told you

♪ I'm so happy that you're mine

♪ If I made you feel second best

♪ I'm so sorry I was blind

♪ You were always on my mind

♪ You were always on my mind

♪ Tell me

♪ Tell me
That your sweet love hasn't died

♪ You were always on my mind

♪ You were always on my

♪ Mind. ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it!

PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

Yes!

That's it! Come on, girl!

Aimee! Aimee! Aimee!

Aimee!
CROWD: Aimee! Aimee! Aimee!

I'm impressed you could get it
standing to attention so easily.

Oh, you know, that's what I've got
in me locker. Big strength of mine.

Well, you can get back to mine
and f*ck me senseless.

Like... n-now?
Yeah, now.

And I hope you've got some stamina,
cos I want a right good pounding,

and that is just my arse.

I've done a 5K in school.
I come top ten, so...

That is impressive.

You should be able to keep up
with these lads, then.

Hey, fellas,
looks like we've found the fourth.

Actually, er, I just remembered,
I've got to be up early, s-so...

LAUGHTER

What's going on?
That's Lorraine, Ted's neighbour.

We sorted her some tickets

in exchange to make
your dreams come true, lad.

CONNOR SIGHS Nice one, Lorraine.

No, lad, that is
all that cougar chat done now.

You couldn't handle it.

Did I actually send her a d*ck pic?

The number she gave you
was me old Android. Don't worry.

Let's see.
Oh, mate.

Oh, lad. You need help.

Lad, you're supposed to send it
hard, not on flop.

That IS hard.
Oh, you poor little fella.

ALL: Wahey!
Girl!

Yeah, well done! Well done!
You know you made Mo cry.

AIMEE: Oh?
No.

SHE LAUGHS
REECE: You smashed it.

Well in.
Honestly, you... you were amazing.

GLASS SMASHES,
CROWD GASPS

Dad?!

PANICKED CHATTER

Move out the way.
Dad?!

Call an ambulance!

Dad!
Oh, my God! What's happened?

Don't you dare pretend
to care about us!

What?
This is because of you! You liar!

Aimee?
Just f*ck off, will you?

I don't ever wanna see
your face again!

You lying, scheming b*tch!

Dad? Dad?

As you know, the decision
of whether you stay with us

for another year
isn't solely about talent,

it's about attitude.

And it's fair to say, with you,
we've had our ups and downs. Mm.

It's a bit like my knickers
every time we meet, Trace.

Give it a rest for the next
ten minutes, please. Sorry.

Yesterday's game was a great example

of when your attitude's right,
you can really influence a game.

Influence? Girl, I won us it.

Let's not beat around the bush,
Trace, we're all mates here.

Anyway, we've discussed
your future at length,

and...

we'd like you to stay on
with us for another year.

Right.

Erm...

OK.

That's it?

I was expecting a smile at least.

I just...

I'm not sure, you know?

You've kind of made me realise what
this life might actually be like.

Don't let the doubts creep in again.
Yeah, but the doubts are there

cos...

I don't want it enough.

Do you realise you're walking away
from something

that could define you?

But I don't want football
to define me.

To do it, it has to be everything -

like, your world and your life.

Football is a part of me.

But it's not all of me.

I have other things
to offer the world, and...

I don't want a life where
I never get to explore those things.

Well, this is a first.

But then so is a player who thinks
it's funny to keep insisting

to the club doctor
that she's pregnant with my child.

CHUCKLES

You know,
to be so young and strong-minded,

to not let anyone dictate
what you feel or do...

it's impressive.

Don't lose it. It'll serve you well.

And whatever path you take...

I'm sure you'll make your mark.

Thanks, Trace.

Take care, Mia-Louise.

Mmm...

Careful who you mess with,
Mia-Louise.

I never blink first.

Impressive.

Wah.

So, is he doing OK now?
Yeah.

Keeps calling it
a korma heart attack -

you know, cos it was mild.

Thinks he's dead funny.

Now you understand why I left.

Sorry.

Mum...

I don't care if you've had
or wanted more kids,

it's the fact that
since you've been here,

all's you've banged on about
is how you can't have more

cos all you care about
is a relationship with me.

I'm not having IVF.
I went to one appointment.

My partner wanted kids.
We tried, but...

Partner?
You never even told me you had one.

What's he said about you being here?
AIMEE SCOFFS.

He doesn't know, does he?

He pushed me for IVF, but
I wanted to focus on you instead.

I've been spending the money on us.
Aw [!]

Those moments mean so much more now,

knowing you robbed someone blind
to do them. I'm sorry.

And what about the letters?
What's true and what's not?

I only sent one.

You wanted to turn me
against my dad,

make me think
he's been hiding things from me.

No. It wasn't like that.

I needed you to believe
that I never forgot you,

that even if I didn't write,

you were still in my head
every single day.

That's some twisted logic,
that, Mum.

I know.

And I know I've been selfish,

always chasing after some life
that I thought I deserved.

And all I've got to show for it
is wasted years

and... hurting the people
that mattered.

When I saw you'd been cast,

I thought, this is my opportunity
to make it up to you.

You know what you're chasing.

And if I could just be
a little, tiny part of that,

then maybe all my mistakes
mightn't feel so worthless.

Is that so wrong,

to want - just for once -
not to fail you?

SHE SOBS

You either didn't get another year,

or someone spiked your oat milk
with full fat.

Look, I'm sorry you didn't get it.

I know how much it meant to you.

Did you?

Yeah.

But I turned it down.

I'd be taking it away
from people like you,

who want it more than I do.

Yeah, well, maybe that's my problem.
I want it too much.

Mm, there's nothing wrong
with that, girl.

There is if you're putting it
in the wrong place.

Like, I just thought

that if I was perfect off the pitch,
then I'd be perfect on it.

But it doesn't work like that.

You just need to be a bit more
unprofessional like me, girl.

Yeah, and if only I constantly
annoyed the dressing room

by going on about a butt plug
shaped like a Golden Boot.

I still think that's
a really good idea, you know.

BOTH LAUGH

Remember that loads of players
get released and go on to smash it.

Just cos they said no
doesn't mean they're right.

Thanks.

But also, work on your touch,
your decision-making,

your positioning,
your awareness and your finishing.

CHUCKLES

♪ I know that I'm your homey

♪ I ain't just gonna
Let that go. ♪

Cheers for this.

The builders
are making too much noise at ours.

Plus, I can't handle my grandma
flirting with them again.

TED CHUCKLES No worries.

Good luck.
Thank you.

WOMAN: 'Hello, Christopher?'
Er, hello.

'Hello. Can you hear me?'
Yes. Yes, I can hear you.

'Uh, apologies.
I'm in a cafe in Delhi,

'and the Wi-Fi is not so good,
so the video may be not working.

'So, let us start.

'It say on your CV
you having the Indian heritage.'

Er, yeah. I'm an eighth Indian,
through my great-grandad.

'Uh, sorry,
very, very, very bad connection.

'You say half Indian?

'That's fantastic. We love
doing business with our own.'

Oh, I'm good, but, well, actually...

'And, Christopher, no need
for this posh London accent.

'Just use your own Indian accent.'

Oh, I'm OK. I... I'd rather just...

'Uh, Christopher,

'we have many peoples who are
wanting this job, you understand?

'If you are not interested...'
Oh, no, no, no, no. I am.

It's just, I'm not sure...
'Because, you know,

'Indian accents sometime getting
very bad reputation in business.

'But we at Pathania Media are
very passionate about changing that

'because we proud Indians,
aren't we?

'Aren't we?'
Yes.

'And so it is a vital
that we embrace the accent.'

Yes. Er, er... Er...

MIMICS INDIAN ACCENT:
Yes, very good attitude.

'Very good.
So, let's do the role play.

'I am customer. Hello.

'I run a small cafe.
No customers, no eatings.

'Please tell me
how you save my business.'

Oh, hello, madam.

We do big marketings,
many things, yes.

'Is great, Christopher. Very good.

'But sometimes,
our clients are liking more energy.

'You know, understand
like the Bollywood spirit.'

Oh, what you want you get.
I sing it.

SINGS: ♪ We make your cafe famous

♪ Many people coming... ♪

'Bigger, please. More energy.'

LIVELY: ♪ We make your cafe famous

♪ Everybody coming! ♪

LAUGHTER

Lad!

Hey, you're not gonna have
a career now, lad.

You're getting cancelled.
I recorded it.

Ha-ha!
That's what you called revenge.

Oh!
And if that was porn,

it'd be called One Eighth Indian
Gets Screwed And Humiliated.

Ah, ya divvy, lad!
THEY LAUGH

I'm still taking you
to therapy, lad.

Oh!
CONNOR LAUGHS.

Oh!

MUSIC: 'Dog Days Are Over'
by Florence + The Machine.

♪ Run fast for your mother
Run fast for your father

♪ Run for your children
For your sisters and brothers

♪ Leave all your love
And your longing behind

♪ You can't carry it with you
If you want to survive

♪ The dog days are over... ♪