01x01 - Posh Muppet

[bunniefuu]

Whoa!

That's 14 minutes
till your f*cking bus, Reece.

Bang out of order!

Four shouts water rule!

What if I stay in bed now?
What's the five shouts rule?

f*cking fire!

How am I supposed to go to school
if I don't even have my uniform?!

I put it next
to your f*cking bed, Reece!

Oh. Thanks, Mum.

You're f*cking welcome.

Go on. Oh, wait.

You forgot my kiss.

Hang on, what?
We don't even do that.

You were gonna though, weren't you?
Soft shite!

No, I weren't.
You're off you head, you, you know.

Come here. Mwah!

Have a good day. Love you.

Love you.

MUSIC: 'Don't Sweat The Technique'
by Eric B & Rakim

Oh, my God.

What's that?

Morning, Pat, lad.

# Don't sweat the technique

# Don't sweat the technique

# Let's trace the hints
And check the file

# Let see who bit
To detect the style

# I flip the script
So they can't get foul

# At least not now
It'll take a while

# I change the pace
To complete the beat

# I drop the bass
Till MCs get weak... #

Oh, there he is. Come on, lad!
What's happening?

See you soon.

CHEERING

# Mo Salah, Mo Salah
Made it on the bus. #

LAUGHTER

# MCs wanna beef
Then I play for keeps

# When they sweat the technique. #

That's a tough one.
Mm.

Mike Woodworth's.

Yeah, how'd you get that?

Kinda looks like him.

You got 12 out of 15, girl. Go 'ead.

What are you gonna do with them?

It's ammunition, innit?
If they ever wind me up,

then I'm putting their tiny c*ck
on the Year 11 group chat.


But if I'm just starving,

like today, I actually forgot
to have my breakfast.

So I threatened Sevo
unless he got me these.

LAUGHTER

Lads are so thick.
Hm.

You ask,
and they send within seconds.

We could make our own version
of Guess Who?

Has your c*ck
got FIFA in the background?

Hmm, has your c*ck got a wide base
but a narrow head?

LAUGHTER

Hey, speaking of bell ends,
who's this?

Looks like he's just tested positive

for defo getting
his head caved in today.

That's that posh muppet
from earlier.

Eh?

Dickhead.

Ooh!
You're in trouble!

That was dead funny, yesterday.

Reckon she'll snitch, though?

Chinese people don't grass, lad.
It's not part of the culture.

What I really need to know, Reece,
is was it racially motivated?

YOU'RE racially motivated, lad.

The mouse was in
Li Wei's pencil case.

Li Hua is in 11E.

So let's say we forget
about all this expelling silliness,

and I'll say nothing to no-one
about you being...

WHISPERS: ..the top dog
for the Ku Klux Klan Woolton branch.

Sit down, Reece.

I get it.
Practical jokes can be funny.

A friend of mine found images of me
and his wife on my computer.

He was convinced
that they were real,

but they were just photoshops.

Very real-looking photoshops.

Anyway, Reece,

this has been a continual pattern
of poor behaviour,

and I can't ignore the complaints
of the East Asian Society.

You what?

She's not even Asian!

We cannot, and we will not, stand by

while toxic western men
like Reece Duffy

exhibit abhorrent behaviour
aimed at our community.

SPEAKS MANDARIN

You gave me no choice, Reece.
I've already informed your mother.

'You're gonna answer my FaceTime!

'Expelled?

'Are you f*cking serious, gobshite?!

'You know, I've always thought
I was doing a good job with you.

'I was determined I wasn't gonna
let you be affected

'by your dad not being around,
and with this,

'you're making me question whether
I've been a good mother at all.'

Isn't it funny how we're mates,

but if your mum would let me
bury my face in her arse,

I would without hesitation?

Isn't that weird?

I've never really thought
about it, mate.

Would we really not
be mates anymore?

We'd get through it.

I suppose, yeah, but...

I doubt you'd ever come round
for tea again, though.

Nah. See, now, that's a problem,

cos your ma makes
a sick pork casserole.

Oh, I'm gonna have to rethink.

All right, Wigbert, lad.
All right, f*cking Barnaby, lad.

f*cking Norman, lad.

f*cking Npeter
with a silent "N" at the start.

Let me guess, then.

What, your sisters have
hyphenated names

to try and sound posher?
Like Ruby-Mae or Louise-Rose?

Ted, how does he know
your little sister's name?

You'll get pasted, lad.

Wait, I need him. Paste him later.

Agree to everything I say
to Mr Meacher. Yeah?

So, let me get this straight, Reece.

You are offering
to look after Christopher here

as a kind of last chance saloon?

Well, I feel for him, being new.

Look at the state of him.

He looks so posh,
like he doesn't just play rugby,

but he plays it with Prince William

constantly bumming him
around the pitch.

I know that I can't do great things,

but I can do small things,

and if we all do small things,

then together
we can do a great thing,

like Uncle Dale...

..and turn it around.

OK, Reece, then report back here
on Friday at 9am.

If I'm happy
and Christopher's happy,

we'll discuss you staying here.

Close the door on the way out.

So, what did we think
of the character of Mr Darcy

at the beginning of the story?

Why are you worried about
what we think about Mr Darcy, sir,

when our Lizzie
is the sound one here

but nobody cares about her?

Do you not care about women, sir?
Your wife left you

and now you hate women, sir?
I'm not married or have been.

You're about 40
and never been married?

It's a bit dodgy, that, sir.

Unless you think
you're too good for women, sir?

Think you're all that, do you, sir?
Like all men do.

LAUGHTER

Erm, Con, are you messing?

I tricked you into sending me nudes

cos you thought
I was gonna send you one back.

Even after the 50th nude,
you still didn't click on.

Fifty, though?

Did you not think
this ain't happening?

I thought a fresh angle
might win her over.

And Reece,
you defo think you're all that.

Didn't stop you
from kissing us, though.

I was drunk.

It was two years ago.

Paedo, then.

OK, that's... that's enough.

So, Mr Darcy.

Nah, Mum.

Come on, I'll call social services
and tell them you're starving me.

I've already spoken to them.
I told them what you did.

They said to starve
the little f*ck.

I've got a plan.

I've agreed with Meachie
to mentor this new kid.

Who the f*ck
are they gonna let you mentor?

Him there.

What, him, the lanky one?

Hiya, excuse me, hi.

Yeah, you.

Is our Reece mentoring you?

Er... er...

Oh, has he got a disability?

Is that why you've gotta mentor him?

No, Mum.

Oi, hiya, yeah, hiya.

Are you depressed?!

Is that why you're sat on your own?

What's he going red for?

Oi, you wet fart!
I asked you a question!

LAUGHTER

Good luck with mentoring that one.
He's got no f*cking manners.

Trust me, it's gonna work.

KNOCK AT WINDOW

HE MOUTHS

What the hell are you doing here?


I don't need any help settling in.


Christopher?

Some Viennetta, love. We don't
always slum it here, you know.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know
you were entertaining a guest.

I'll leave you two, to er,
get to know each other.

Why did you take your shirt off?


Christopher?

Would you like some juice?

Sorry, Pat, it's just
Chrissy keeps insisting

I'll be more comfortable
if I take my trousers off.

I don't get it. I'm not hot.

I didn't ask him to... We're not...

Chrissy, it's OK.
Don't be embarrassed.

"The truth shall set you free."
The Bible.

You should say the part
of the Bible,

like "Matthew 8." Not just...
"The Bible."

That's a bit r*cist, that.

Christopher.
Sorry!

I'll go get you both some juice.
Give you more time to... you know.

CHRISTOPHER GROANS
What are you doing here, then?

Is that Secret Millionaire show
coming back for the posh kids?

Oh, well, if you must know,
my mum died

and now I have to live here
with my grandma.

Who calls them "grandma"?

"Ooh, Grandma,
what big ears you have."

Nah, but yeah, lad,
soz about your ma.

People always say they never think
it'll happen to you,

but I think you do know
it can happen to you.

But you can't live your whole life
being worried.

Do you know what I mean?

You need to get out
of this shitty room, lad.

I bet you haven't even been
to Sweet Corner

and smashed in
the pineapple and toffee cubes.

Are they a part of your five a day?

What do you watch on YouTube, lad?

Posh prick reacts
to crushed avocado on toast?

What do you watch, huh?

Lazy chav reacts
to lack of life opportunities?

BOTH STRAINING
AND GRUNTING

Just put it in there, Chrissy!

Hey, Reece.

Lad... just seen
this new caretaker outside, yeah?

And I know your ma says
your da done a runner,

but he's got a massive snoz

and he walks like he's got
a tiny c*ck.

You should ask him for a DNA test.

Do you get it?

LAUGHTER

He's a knob, that little...

He's got too much tos-testerone.

That's why he's always kicking off,

and why he needs to have a wank
seven times a day.

You what?

He has to wank seven times a day,
just to function.

Seven?

And you know that g*y lad
in the sixth form, what's his name?

Thomas.
He told me that Lewis was bragging

about Aimee giving him her knickers

because he needed them
for his big lunchtime wank,

to get himself through the day.

HE GASPS

And there, lads,
is the drop-off in action.

Oh, my God!

Eee!

Vile.

I mean, it's good he's having
an open dialogue

about his sexual needs.

It's important we encourage
the greater communication.

But at the same time,
just stop w*nk*ng.

But that's why I like talking about
me head being in your ma's arse.

I'm all about open dialogue.

Lad, I honestly don't think

your head's going anywhere near
his ma's arse.

All right, well, I have a plan B.

Go 'ead.

If I can't bury it in her arse,
I'll bury it in her t*ts.


You're bad.

BEEP

BEEP

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER FROM OUTSIDE

REECE: Bow!

Oh, my God.
What's your pronouns, girl?

Oh, her pronouns are "as if",
"no chance" and "not interested".

And we'll tell her yours -

"disgusting little perverted rat".

They're conjunctions and verbs,
mate.

And you should respect
that I identify

as a disgusting little
perverted rat.

And the DLPR community
strives for equality.

Eurgh!

Another tough one?
Hmm.

Adam Costello's.
Yeah, how'd you get that?

I'm good with people's eyes, girl.

And there's something about his
that screams "vile r*cist".

Mm.

Must take you a while to, like,
go back and find them.

Oh, yeah. I mean, this one
was from when he was about 13.

I had to go back, like, three years.

Do you know what?
It was worth it, though,

when I blackmailed him
into getting me these.

LAUGHTER, TEXT ALERT

Oh, Chantal's sent
a new d*ck pic in the group.

Let's see. I'm on form today
with my guesses, me.

Eee, that looks like a traffic cone!

That's Lewis's.

The little rat!
Aw, Aims.

I mean, maybe he could get it,
like, flattened out or something?

Traffic-cone-c*ck cheating b*stard.

So, yesterday's poetry homework.

Who wants to read theirs?

No.

Well, someone needs to reads theirs
so I'm doing my job.

New boy.

Er, I didn't know
we would read it out.

And I didn't know teaching
would be so damn tiring.

Read.

MO IMITATES FART,
LAUGHTER

The sky is full of faces now

Your face

Laughing, crying, scared...

..happy.

The face I love and miss the most...

Is he starting to cry?

But how do I say...

I wanna read mine, sir.

Er...

..The Door.

The door

Let me in

Who's in there?

It's Brexit

Was I right? Was I wrong?

Am I now forgotten?

Brexit, Brexit, Universal Credit

Don't get angry, get evil.

Cheers.

Go 'ead, lad.
Heavy poetry, that, you know.

OK, but where was the imagery
and alliteration

that was the point of the task?

I don't know, sir. Brexit took them.
LAUGHTER

Was that about your dog?

I lost my hamster, Angelica,
last year.

Dark times.

He's a vile creature, anyway,
that Mr Dunn.

He once made me read out
my essay about my dreams,

and well, my dream is to be
the first person from Merseyside

to win an Oscar
since Glenda Jackson in 1973.

And I swear, he started laughing.

Well, remember that you're
the captain of your soul.

You what?
It's a quote from Nelson Mandela.

It means you're in the driver's seat
of your life.

Don't listen to others.

Who's Nelson Mandela?

I'm only messing. I know who he is.

I know you probably came
from some fancy school

with your whiteboards and that,

but we do get taught stuff
at this school too, you know.

Is that Uncle Ben, the rice fella?

That's Nelson Mandela,
the first South African President,

beacon of social justice
and democracy.

Hey, they're my bird's.

He dismantled apartheid.

Not a clue.

Reece - toilet, now!
I need your help.

The memories of our kiss
come flooding back now, yeah?

Your foo-foo's hungry.
I've got the "Reece-ipe".

LAUGHTER

Shut your gob,
or I'll change my mind.

Go 'ead, Reece!
Go and get her, lad!

Reece.

You went to Sweet Corner?


Better than boss.

Life-changing.

In fact, you've changed my life.

I've been lonely here.

But you make me smile.

You give me hope.

Nobody's seen me
since I've been here.

But you, Reece... you see me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you off your head?

But I thought the stuff
in the bedroom was...?

LAUGHTER

Not bad, that, lad. Not bad.

Good, good.

OK.

HE GROANS

Ladies.

Are you looking for your mentor?

Reece Duffy?

The whole school heard it
in the canteen.

Oh, yeah - stupid, isn't it?
Him as my mentor?

No, no, I'm looking for a book,
actually.

It's called, erm, Social Equality...

Social Equality: The Prospects
Of Tomorrow by Florian Schuppert?

Yeah, that's the one, Schuppert.

Hm.

Sorry, it turns out Reece Duffy

actually took
that book out yesterday.

Oh, damn it.

He's probably got the whole
political sociology section on hold.

THEY LAUGH

I heard him and his cronies,
saying things to you.

I mean, they're gonna have
to grow up one day.

Although, can you imagine them
having an actual job

that contributes to society?

Exactly.

A cleaning job, maybe.
You know his mum's a dinner lady?

It makes perfect sense.
What else would she do?

"Erm, please give
our Reece a job!

"Yeah, he'll steal all your laptops,
but he's a good lad, honestly."

No, I didn't mean it like that.

My mum was a dinner lady.

Take your privileged white male
micro aggressive attitude elsewhere.

Schuppert would be disgusted.

KNOCKING

Yeah?

Can I quickly use your bog, Pat?

I've come home for my lunch
and I forgot my key.

It's in there.

Yeah, very funny [!]
Let's bum, whoo!

Oh, Grandma, I'm bumming Reece
to death, because I'm so g*y!

h*-h*-h* [!]

Grow up.

What the hell's that?

You're disgusting!
What's your problem? I thought...

You thought what?
We were gonna play PlayStation?

Suck each other's nutsacks?

You don't wanna be mates with me,
lad. My ma's only a dinner lady,

and who knows what job
I'll end up doing, eh?

VOICEMAIL ALERT

'Cheer up, mate.

'You're acting like
your mum's just died

'and someone's shat
on your bedroom floor.

'Seriously, I can see why
you need to leave.

'My mum says you can stay with us
as long as you want

'as long as we don't stay up
gaming all night.

'But I told her you're normally dead
within five minutes,

'so it'll be fine.
See you later, mate.'

BEEP

I've waited long enough, Reece.

I'm afraid you're about to be...
Sorry I'm late, sir.

Now then, Christopher,
what I'd like to know is...

has Reece helped you this week?

Not really.

He threatened to paste me.

He pretended to have sex with me
in front of my grandma

and he finished the week
with the piece de resistance

of defecating on my bedroom floor.

But he only did that to me
because I did something to him

which was wrong, and I'm sorry.

He's actually been trying to help.

Told me how I need
to get out of my room,

embrace my new life here.

But with what happened to my mum,
the motivation...

..it's hard.

Looks like you've done well here.

Stay of execution.

Great work, Reece.

I mean, it won't bring his mum back
from the dead,

but it's a step
in the right direction.

Thanks, sir.

Close the door on the way out.

Mum, I'm staying. It worked!

'Oh, get in, son!
I knew you had it in you.

'Now, do me a favour,
don't mess the rest of the year up.

'Maybe that posh bell end
is having a good influence

'on you after all.'

Let's not get carried away, Mum.

Oh, what's for tea later?

Nice one.

Girls look hot in boxies.

Like, when you wear a footie shirt.

I'm into it, me.
Aw.

It's a shame these aren't mine,
then.

You what?

I've been looking for them.
I wore these last night.

Very hot night.

Let rip a fair few times, like,

but shame I ain't got a dad
to buy me a new pair, eh?


What d'you do that for?

You deserve it.

I was only giving you the knickers
cos I felt sorry for you.

Why can't you use your imagination
to wank, like girls do?

Eh? What's wrong with youse all?

Why do youse always need
something pervy to look at,

like knickers or nudes?

And while I'm here,
why d'youse all love feet?

You freaks.

Feet-licker!

You're on one, you!

Yeah, I'm on one,
because I can't trust you.

I'm one on
cos I'm sick of being nice

and getting nothing back.

I'm fed up for not being me.

We're done!

Good for you, queen.

Because I'm the captain of my soul.

Oh!

That's from him, that, innit?

That posh nonce!

Talks like he's got
Benedict Cucumber up his arse!

Somebody needs another wank.

And you - argh!
Oh, my God!

Lewis! Lewis!

You never learn, do you, Lewis?

Well, that's another suspension
with immediate effect.

LAUGHTER

# Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio. #

Listen...

you even speak to my bird
when I'm gone, lad,

and you're dead. Watch!

OK, fun's over. Go home.

Go on!

These boxers are a bit tight,
aren't they, lad?

I like my nut sack to feel
like it's being held.


Come 'ead.

Ow!

'Roderick said
you're not coming back now.'

'Liverpool's grabbed him
by the bollocks already.'

I wouldn't go quite that far.
It's a... mum thing.

TEXT ALERT

'Relax, son.

'I've set this email for you
to receive after I've gone.

'But if I'm still alive and still
fighting this cancer prick,

'then yay to me.

'Although, then,
this would be kind of awkward,

'and you know how much
I hate awkwardness,

'so let's hope I'm gone.'

HE LAUGHS

'I know you weren't keen
on living with your grandma.

'But you realise what family means

'when you know
you won't be around forever.

'I still feel guilty
for moving away from your grandma

'all those years ago,
and this'll mean so much to her.

'It means so much to me.

'I wasn't there for your grandma,
but you can be.

'Keep doing me proud, son.

'I love you.'

HE SNIFFS

'Say no more.
Mums are mums.'

'Yeah, big up
to all the mums out there.'

I'll f*ck all your mums,
you little mings!