01x02 - Evil Nepo Son of the King

[bunniefuu]

Antoine! Open up!

What the hell?

We're being evicted?

Oh, I'm sorry. Is your name Ethan O'Brien?

Because that's the name on the lease.

This is an ill*gal sublet.

How many times do I have to explain this?

Ethan's a pilot whose passion
is the open air.

Nice try.

Your little boyfriend moved to Nashville
to launch his music career.

Oh, I did my detective work, girlies.

No, no.

"No, no" is right. His music is terrible.

That is time I'll never get back.

So, go gentrify some godforsaken corner
of Brooklyn like everybody else your age.

I'm not cool enough for Brooklyn.
They'll eat me alive.

Antoine, please.

We are just a poor,
racially diverse pair of friends

trying to make it in the big city.
I work in the arts.

- And I'm an investment banker.
- Shut up.

Okay, this conversation is over,
but if you'd like to continue this rant,

go blame the guys who live
across the hall from you.

They're the ones who told me.

- What?
- And it wasn't even in passing.

They do not like you.

- No, no, Antoine, no, Antoine.
- No, Antoine. Wait, what's that...

- Hey, buddy.
- Josh.

What's going on?

I was asleep.

We heard you crying all night.
You wanna talk about it?

Or at least take off Vivian's robe?

It's giving Silence of the Lambs.

But this robe is the only thing
I have left to remind me of her.

See how you feel after you eat.

We got you a bacon, egg, and cheese.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

But that's your last one.

You're single now.

You gotta get rid of this love lard.

Don't call him fat.
You're gonna give him a complex.

Good!

Body positivity is only for women.

They can look however these days,
but we gotta be ripped.

And no girl is gonna want to jump
on those gorgeous bones of yours

with your ex's stuff lying around.

Put her stuff in here.
I've got a job interview today.

I could drop it off at her place
on the way.

Will you tell me what she says about me?

No.

Because, honestly, that was a lie.
I was just gonna throw it out.

Take your box. It's too soon.

And anyway, it isn't big enough
for all the memories.

What the f...

Hey! Good morning.

Hi. How are you?

What a nice surprise.

Care for the blender remnants
of a protein smoothie?

No, we don't want any
of your stupid smoothie!

Stupid?
Uh, there's 70 grams of protein in there.

I can't believe you little b*tches
narced on us.

And I can't believe
you defiantly glorify criminality.

For months, I've put up
with all of your bullshit.

The girls coming in and out at all hours,

storing your shitty-a*s bikes
in the hallway,

which you've never once used.

Because the bike seat makes my p*nis numb.

And I'm pretty sure you're stealing
some of my Amazon packages.

What? No, no, I would never steal.

Oh, those are your rhinestone flip-flops?

Yeah, I like sparkly things.

And I've never said a word.

But to be little snitches
and get us evicted?!

- That is low, even for you.
- I told Antoine never mind!

It was too late by the time
you ratted us out.

So you better fix this, or else.

Are you... threatening us?

You wanna find out?

My girl's from Dorchester, Massachusetts.

Is that a tough neighborhood?

I'm not familiar with local towns
in other states.

Well, I'm from Jersey.
Ever heard of that, b*tch?

- Oh!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Hey, we will fix this.

Just so you know, it's... it's not us.

- It's just Josh.
- Yeah, Josh only wanted the apartment

for his girlfriend,
but she dumped his fat a*s.

Good.

Get your flops.

Stretched 'em a little.

I can't deal with this apartment sh*t
right now.

It's my first real day of work,
and I need to make a big impression.

I have decided it's my Alpha Day.

- Your what?
- Alpha Day.

Banking environments
are famously competitive places.

If you're not steamrolling someone,
you are getting steamrolled.

Did you get nothing
from Wolf of Wall Street?

I mostly remember Leo's naked butt.

It deserved an Oscar.

Okay, well, I need to send a message

that says I am hyper-competent.

I don't need anyone's help,
and I don't love strip clubs,

but I can sit at the bar and eat wings.

And hope your boss doesn't remember
you called him an as*h*le and fire you.

I was trying
not to think about that.

Yes, that too. Damn it.

That one.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- Alpha Day.
- Alpha Day.

I am an Alpha! I am a boss!

Kate, I'm so thankful
you found me a job so fast.

You kidding me?
We always need substitute teachers.

A lot of our staff take lengthy
mental health sabbaticals.

And, honestly,
I was excited to hear from you.

- It's been a minute.
- I know.

I got so busy with med school
and everything, and...

Yeah, well, it's great to have you here.

I always thought you had the kind soul

and warm eyes of an educator.

Um, I'm... I'm really here
for the schedule.

Substitute teaching will give me
a lot of time to focus on auditioning,

and I need to book an acting gig
before I can tell my parents

that I quit med school.

So, what excites you most about teaching

- is... not being at school?
- No.

No, no, no, it's...
it's so much more than that.

I see. Good.

Yeah, I mean, like, I need money for rent,

and groceries, and food, and stuff.

Totally, totally.
Well, your first class is at 2:00.

Do I need to stick around
until then, or...

I mean, it's not a written rule, but...

- Best job ever.
- Uh, I... Just... Just to say it,

I know we have a romantic history.

A conversation about hummus at a party

turned undefined hookup situation.

And I promise you that will not affect

our clearly defined
professional relationship.

Thank you, Kate.

- I'll see you at 2:00.
- I'll see you at 2:00, too, yeah.

Awesome.

Awesome, yeah.

Ooh, I found you and Abby
a listing.

A two-bedroom on Rikers Island.

You mean, Randalls Island?

No, this says, "Rikers."

Fine. Send it to me.

He's here.

Who? What is this?

It's Bill, dumbass!

Alphas don't get fired.
Alphas don't get fired.

- Alphas don't get fired. Alphas don't...
- Stop whispering!

And throw away your food.
He hates seeing people eat.

How do you eat, then?

A Luna Bar on the toilet!

Hey! What are you doing?

Get in here!

Congratulations, today is the best
and worst day of your life.

Do any of you consumer and retail experts

know what Yarn Barn is?

Launched in 2013 by Roland Shumwertz,

it's a St. Louis-based
crafting box store...

My mom orders
all her bedazzling kits from there.

- Are you into crafting?
- Do I look like I'm into crafting?

- No?
- Correct.

Thankfully, many people are.

Yarn Barn is in 37 states
and valued at over $3 billion.

Stanson Capital is buying it.

- Ellison Grant is doing the deal.
- Oh, cool.

Someone has the internet.

What you don't know is Ellison Grant
f*cked the deal last night.

- What? How?
- Rookie move.

They were talking sh*t
about Yarn Barn's founder.

- Roland Shumwertz.
- We know his name, Jocelyn!

Finish your story, Bill. It's great.

Anyway, they were on Slack
saying his wife is divorcing him

because he looks like a turtle
in a wool sweater.

But those dummies didn't realize
Turtle Face was also on the thread.

So now they're out,
and we have a chance to poach it.

Hey, do I know you?

No. I'm the new first-year.
I started yesterday.

I've never met you before, sir.

- Are you sure?
- I don't know.

Do you go to the Trader Joe's
on 31st and 3rd?

- What's Trader Joe's?
- It's a discount grocery store.

- Founded by Joe Coulombe...
- Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Now, at 10 a.m. tomorrow,
Roland is coming here,

where he will read the best pitch book
you have ever made.

Tomorrow?

It takes a week to put together
a book like this.

Well, then I suggest you get to work.

Bill?

I, for one, thrive under pressure.

Thank you for putting your trust in us.

Dileep, you're with me.

We're meeting Roland at a crafting
convention in Cleveland in six hours.

- Why are you still here?
- Oh.

Hey, girl.

I got your green juice and Adderall.

You're resting,

so I'm gonna go... Ah!

I saw Austin's outfit.

- I can explain.
- He looked...

incredible.

- He did?
- I mean, I wouldn't have chosen

that color for him, but you could tell
that he loved how he looked. Good job.

Did you just say "good job" to me?

Stop, don't make a thing of it.

So, you're not mad about Blemish?

Oh, no, I am furious.

I had a small heart attack last night
and I flatlined for two minutes.

But what else could you have done?

It's not like you picked out that outfit
and suggested he wear it.

Oh, God, no.

Taking advantage of your absence
to push my own agenda?

- I'd get fired for that.
- Fired?

You'd never work again. Alright.

I need you to pick up Austin's suit.
He's at the Cherry Lane Theatre

rehearsing for some boring play. Go.

- I'm on it.
- Wait.

You didn't happen to bring
any cigarettes with you, did you?

To the emergency room? No.

Just leave. Go.

Hey, is now a bad time to grab a seltzer?

Yes.

I'm really sorry, again,
for taking your job.

If I had known you were next in line...

You'd what, not have done it?

Look, I've been thinking.

If you like, I could put in
a good word with my dad.

He burns through his assistants.

But he hasn't met you yet. Right?

Excuse me, I gotta go
get my lumbar support belt,

as I've got 20 more pallets
of seltzer to unload.

"Dryden Work Text"?

What the hell?

They're not even red.
They're Vermont Barn.

Do you believe this?

My coworkers have a secret text chain
where they call me Joffrey.

- I can see it.
- Yeah, I can see it, too.

Evil nepo, son of the king.

That's the problem.
They hate me so much,

I'm not even invited to work drinks
tomorrow night.

- How do I fix this?
- Man, they just don't know you.

In the seventh grade,
I thought you were a huge nerd.

And then I went to your bar mitzvah,
and Bruno Mars was there,

and I decided you were cool.

That's neither a compliment nor helpful.

Dude, you're the best person we know.
You saved my life.

Wait, Josh diagnosed your arrhythmia?

No. No, I've almost died a lot.

This was Homecoming, 2019.

I drank so much, I passed out in a bush

and started choking on my own puke.

Luckily, that bush was in front
of Hell House.

Hillel House, the Jewish Affinity Group.

And it was a mitzvah,

'cause this sweet angel saw me,
rolled me on my side,

and removed all my IDs so the cops
couldn't call my parents.

Yes, be that guy! That guy is awesome.

There's no way your coworkers
won't love you.

- Just crash the drinks.
- Really?

Just show up uninvited?

- Yeah.
- I don't even like it

when you guys have friends over
without asking.

No, no, no. Crashing's cool.

Wedding Crashers, favorite movie.

Crash Into Me, best Dave Matthews song.

And a crash cart saved my life
when my arrhythmia was acting up.

You know what? You guys are right.
I'm going.

But I really hate the bar they picked.
Should I suggest a nicer one?

- No, man. You're hopeless.
- Why do we even bother giving you advice?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

His stylist is just trying
to get through, please!

Austin, I love you!

Hi. I'm here to pick up a package
for Vanessa Hsu.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Oh, hey.

Oh, hi!

I'm Abby, I work for Vanessa.

I dressed you last night.

Yeah, I know who you are.

What kind of sociopath forgets someone
from 12 hours ago?

You get used to being invisible
in this job.

Once, Vanessa stood on my hand
for an entire fitting.

I doubt you could ever be invisible.

Uh, you were right, by the way.

The outfit thing.
The film wasn't tracking well,

and now they're thinking about
adding more theaters.

So, thank you.

Yeah, it's my pleasure.

Okay, I'm gonna go elbow my way

through a pack of deranged teenagers.

Yeah, it's crazy, huh?

I tried to go to Joe's
to get a piece of pizza,

- and one of them bit me.
- Oh!

I think I'm gonna have a ZYN for lunch.

Hey, I... I'd love to see you again.

Wow.

That is obviously, uh, beyond flattering.

But I just got my first compliment
from Vanessa.

I cannot mess this up.

So, I can't see you like that.

I need to set that boundary.

Wow, yeah.
Wasn't expecting that answer.

But sure.

I can do boundaries.

Thank you.

I'll see you around.

Normally, our teachers do wear a blazer,

though you look amazing in anything.

- So, I'll take it.
- Thank you.

I mean, I... I just figured I'd...
I'd throw a lab coat over it and...

Uh, lab coat?

You're teaching English.

Did I not mention that?

Sorry. My cat attacked
this kid in our building,

and it's become this whole thing, and...

Okay, but I... I can't teach English.

I majored in biochem.
The last book I read was Lemony Snicket.

Kel, you love theater.

Plays are just lazy books.

They're studying Jane Austen.

You know where to find me
if you need anything.

Wha... Kate.

Hold on. Kate, Kate!

Here I go.

Hello, young minds.

I am your new English teacher.

Uh, Kel Washington.

You guys can call me Mr. Washington.

We don't do that here.
We'll be calling you Kel.

Oh, great. Very casual.

That's what my roommates call me.
I like it!

Okay, um, today, I am very excited

to dive into... Pride and Prejudice

by... Jane Austen.

It is a book I really love
and know a lot about.

So, Kel, what's your deal?

- My deal?
- Before you try to lie, we looked you up.

We know you were in med school
two seconds ago.

What happened?

Did you get expelled?

I was not expelled, no.

I... I wanted a career change.

So I took destiny into my own hands.

Kind of like Elizabeth Bennet.

Who's that? Is she...
Is she another student?

She's the protagonist of the book
you quote, "love and know a lot about."

Right. Of course.

Uh, yeah. Um, well,
she seems like a real cool lady.

Jesus, Kel.

Tuition here costs more than
most colleges.

Yeah, Angela Merkel
spoke at our graduation,

and we booed her off the stage
for being boring.

So, pray tell, what business
do you have teaching here?

Look, I assumed I was gonna be
teaching biology.

But here we are. And it's gonna be great.

How about we start
with chapter one out loud

and everyone picks a fun voice?

Stop!
Oh, my God, you're so funny.

Okay, see you soon. Bye.

Guess what? My ex still works at Ellison.

It was a very unhealthy relationship
for him.

Anyway, he's agreed to give me
the inside scoop

on their numbers so we can land this deal.

Huge!

You go. Me and Private Pascarelli

will tag team the models and the deck.

No. I'll do the models and charts myself.

Davis can format the deck.

Look.

I... I applaud the ambition,
but I'm the second-year.

And when I was a first-year,

my second-year held my hand
through everything.

Kwaku and I were two brains
beating as one.

Davis, no offense,

but I've spent the past three summers
modeling at Fidelity.

Don't worry.

It's an urban oasis with picturesque views

of a historically significant Dunkins'.

What the hell?

I'm sorry, are you lost, little girl?

I can't believe you're showing
the apartment already.

I have to use my bathroom!

It's Rebecca and Zeb's bathroom.

Pending a credit check.

It's haunted!

I can't believe you dropped out
of medical school to act.

But since it allowed you to be home

during my moment of crisis,
I fully support it.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

Anytime. Seriously.

I mean, mi baño es su baño.

Okay, bye.

Sorry, are you watching
Pride and Prejudice?

Did you put that on to make me think
you were sensitive?

- Kel!
- What? No, no.

I just got a job teaching English
at a girls' school to make money.

And if I don't catch up fast,
they will destroy me.

Oh.

Were they bullying you?
Correcting you on the material?

- Yeah. A lot.
- Did they ask a lot of personal questions

- with an air of judgment?
- Yes, h-how did you know?

Because I was just like these girls,
an overachieving little as*h*le

who projected the impossibly high
expectations of my parents

onto my teachers.

Okay, then help me out,
don't just eat my Swedish Fish.

Your only chance of survival
is to be so prepared,

you make them feel stupid.

- I am preparing. I'm watching the movie.
- That's not nearly enough.

If they've read the book,
you need to read three.

Treat it like you're preparing
for medical school.

Can't I just tell them that I'll fail them
if they don't do what I say?

Wait. What's this?

Antoine puts on these
sad dance showcases

that nobody goes to.

Hmm.

- Can I keep this?
- Yeah.

I'm keeping these, too.

Sure.

I know I set a boundary!

And I do mean it! But I need a favor.

The charts in this deck are f*cked up!

- Did Davis format the deck wrong?
- How dare you!

- But did I?
- No. The charts are wrong

- because AJ's models are wrong.
- No, no.

That's impossible.
I triple-checked everything.

Then why doesn't the book reflect
the new numbers I got from my ex?

I had to agree to go
to his dad's 70th birthday for those!

Oh, my God, I was so locked in,

I missed your email
and didn't update the models.

I totally f*cked up. I'm gonna get fired.

Bill and Turtle Face
will be here in 90 minutes.

I'm so sorry.

It's fine. We can adjust the models.

- The problem is...
- Reprinting the book.

Internal is slammed.
We have to go offsite.

Gramercy or Delancey? Gramercy's closer.

Yeah, but I know Ron at Delancey.
He'll open up early for me.

Again, I am so sorry.

Stop apologizing.
Only apologize if we can't fix this.

Now, go. I'll call ahead.

Damn, Jane Austen. You can write.

Hey, Davis?

Uh...

Hey, man. I'm Davis.

- Love your work.
- Mm.

I'm from the South,
which is, like, the only place

that still appreciates the importance
of a printed invitation.

It's like, when did "faster"
start to mean "better"?

You know what? Thank you for saying that.

Hey, I feel like a tool just chatting
while you're doing all the work.

You mind if I box while you bind?

Knock yourself out, buddy.

- Thanks.
- Of course.

You had Austin Blanchett
tweet about my show?

Yes. Unless that's bad.

It sold out!

I've never been more excited in my life.

I just thought you deserved the hype.

I do! I do deserve the hype!

I can't wait to tell my cousin Mahershala

he's not the only talented one
in the family.

- Oh!
- Mm!

So... can we stay?

Yes, you can stay.

- Yes!
- But someone comparably famous

has to tweet about my showcase
once a year.

You have a deal.

And those posters better be
held up with tape.

Aw, sh*t!

There are no cabs,

and the closest Uber is 20 minutes away?

- We have to push back the meeting.
- No, no. Look!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Sir, I will give you a hundred bucks
for that bike.

Yeah, sure.

Alright, come on, hop on.

Uh, where?

- The handlebars, E.T. style.
- Oh, God.

AJ, let's go.

Hello, everyone.

Just to refresh, I'm Mr. Washington.

You're actually showing your face again?

How Mr. Ferrars of you, Kel.

Ah, Mr. Ferrars from
Sense and Sensibility,

Jane Austen's first novel.

Yeah, Mr. Washington did his reading

and then some last night.

Kel, are we supposed
to be impressed you did your job?

Come on, guys.
We're going to Bluemercury.

Oh, that's too bad.
I was just gonna ask

if Charlotte Brontë was right

when she said Jane's writing
lacked passion.

Charlotte was just jealous

that Jane's the queen
of Victorian literature, and not her.

And I ask, why the need to crown a queen?

No one pits Charles Dickens
against Victor Hugo.

Because the patriarchy insists
on pitting successful women

against each other,
even when they're born 40 years apart.

Let's see what Jane has to say about that.

- She's dead as hell, Kel.
- Right.

But they published a collection
of her letters.

I was just gonna see if there
was maybe a real-life Mr. Darcy.

- Mr. Darcy was real?
- Maybe, Marina.

But you guys have fun at Bluemercury,

and the rest of us will find out.

M-Maybe we can go to Bluemercury later?

Fine.

Continue, Kel.

Mr. Washington.

Mr. W?

I'll take it.

Oh, God! You guys drink that sh*t?

It's like old lake water.

Davis, go faster!

I'm going as fast as I ca...

I just swallowed a lanternfly!

We're on our way!

Hurry up.
They're putting out the pastries.

Davis, they're putting out the pastries!

Oh, my God!

f*cking New York!

Book five minutes out! Stall!

Roland, did you know our offices

have one of the finest private
art collections in New York?

Including an Edward Hopper.

- Ooh, I love Edward Hopper.
- Shall we?

- We have an art collection?
- Yes, it's spectacular.

Oh, thank God. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

After you.

We're right in here, Roland,
as is the rest of our C&R team.

Oh. Hello.

- You're kidding!
- No, it was embarrassing.

I didn't teach you that, but...

Oh, my God, what are the chances?

I love this bar.

We must have office mind-meld.

- Can I join?
- It's kinda tight.

No, this is great.

Ah, this fits.

Excuse me.

So, what's everyone drinking?

I ordered a light beer 'cause sometimes
they put an orange in it.

So, Warren, tell me about yourself.

All I know is you're wearing
a Rutgers sweatshirt

and eating celery.

Well, I went to Rutgers. Hence the...

Uh, and my wife and I recently lost


What? That's incredible.

Unfortunately,
only two of those pounds were mine.

So, my wife left me
and is now teaching spin classes

on a cruise ship.

But I'm happy for her.

I'm so sorry, but my girlfriend
just dumped me, too.

So, any night you wanna prowl, I'm there.

Really? Thanks.

Uh, how about you, Chandra?

I see that homemade bracelet.

Kids, or are you just young at heart?

Oh. Both, actually.

I was just telling Warren
that my daughter's birthday

is next week, she's turning ten.

And we have no idea what to do
for her birthday party.

Ooh. What about those
Natural History Museum sleepovers?

I did that for my tenth, and it crushed.

I'm sure, but the waitlists
for those are endless.

You know what?

My mom's on the board
of the Natural History Museum.

I'll talk to her. We can make this happen.

Oh, my God, that would be great.

You're still here.

Oh, sorry, we were just getting
to know each other,

and maybe falling in love?

You guys feeling that, too?

How 'bout you, Elena? What's your deal?

I grew up in Queens. Went to Stuyvesant.

I got into Northwestern,

but it was too expensive,
so I went to Hunter.

Is that good?

Yup.

Should I share more stuff about me?

I learned how to juggle last year,
which was exciting.

Hold the door!

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Congrats, I heard you're not
getting kicked out anymore.

I'm such an idiot!

Hey. It's okay.

Maybe? I don't know. What's going on?

I suck at my job.

I almost ruined this whole pitch,
and the worst part

is my coworkers fixed it,
and they didn't even rub it in my face.

I would have been such a b*tch.

Yeah, I could see that.

I should move back to Boston
and work at a European Wax Center.

Hey, I could be wrong, but I think
people helping each other at work

is actually what work
is supposed to be like.

I guess that's true.

I wish I had that.

There's this one girl at my job.

Cannot stand me. I can't charm her at all.

Oh, maybe don't try to charm her.

Charm is a red flag to girls.

You know who was charming? Ted Bundy.

- I'm like Ted Bundy?
- Basically.

Why don't you take your own advice

and try to be helpful?

That was good advice.

Hey, I need to get Davis
something to say "thank you."

What does he like? Whiskey?

One of those shirts
you're not supposed to tuck in?

Honestly, what Davis likes the most
is spending time with his friends.

Oh, my God, this f*cking guy.

I know.

Well, uh, good night.

Sorry.

I'll move the bikes.

Hey.

I, uh, need to tell you something.

You were right.
We actually do know each other.

Sophomore year, Penn, Model UN conference.

We hooked up.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah.

I had long hair back then.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

You ghosted me.

Which sucked, but it was a long time ago.

Don't worry about it. Anyway.

Good night.

Hey.

Hi.

Sorry, are you in the middle of something?

No, I was just finishing my yoga practice.

Why are you here?

At the theater,
you said you were too famous

to go and get a pizza.

Now, I'm panicking
that you don't remember.

No, I remember.
I remember things.

Well, I just wanted to say thank you

for tweeting
about my landlord's dance thing.

I mean, I've never had less likes,
but I'm glad he's happy.

Look, I know I said
I couldn't go out with you.

But maybe we could be friends.

I mean, I've never really had
a female friend before.

But, that's cool.

Wait, you're not just gonna
ask me for money

and SNL tickets, are you?

Definitely not.
Unless Dua Lipa's the musical guest.

- Then, yes.
- Great.

Well, ground rules established, friend.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Thank you for everything today.

Can I make you dinner to say thanks?

Hell yes!

Yes!

New person.

My office.

Uh, so did Roland like our pitch?

- I know.
- Excuse me?

I know how I know you.

You called me an as*h*le

- and cost me $500.
- Oh, my God.

I am so sorry about that.

I had just been for a run.
I think my blood sugar was off.

I will see an endocrinologist...

Stop! Don't ever lie to me again.

I will always find out.

Go.

Okay, Mami.

Go to bed.