03x04 - Ranchers

[bunniefuu]

- Got some more packages
for you.

There is one here
that is addressed

to "Cancelled, r*cist C-word,"
but it's the word spelled out.

And I-I made a guess
that it was for you, but...

- I-I can't handle this.

Last week somebody
sent me a turd.

- Now you tell me
about this turd--it was wet?

- I think it was
an animal's turd.

- How can you be sure?

You see any hay in there?
- I don't know.

Honestly,
I feel kind of frozen.

Like, I can't focus,
and everybody hates me.

- Yeah, well, the public
dragged your a*s,

so I think that's normal.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

I saw your little perverted a*s
leaving with Ryan.

You know how I watch
everyone leave?

- Oh.

Yeah, a very dark moment
for me.

Um...

I just--I don't know.

I just wish I could get into,
like, a little shell and hide.

- Oh, my gosh.

Believe it or not, I was
actually born with a shell.

I was in the hospital
for a month before I hatched.

- That's cool.

- And I want you to keep
your head up, all right?

From the sh*t,
the flowers grow.

And you are covered in sh*t.

[rock music playing]

♪ ♪

[music stops]
- Annie, come in here.

Listen to this.
- Okay.

- "Parrish
writes brilliant tales

"of punk-rock lunacy and sex.

"His pulsating words
grab the reader by the ba*ls

and whispers,
'I dare you to f*ck with me.'"

That is

the "Newly Populous Times"
speaking.

- That's amazing.

You must be really,
really proud.

- Annie, what's wrong?
You depressed?

You're not special.
Everyone's depressed.

- Well, I just came by to see

if I could kind of just write
easy breezy,

like, freak-of-the-week-level
dumb sh*t?

[chuckles] I just don't think
I can handle anything bigger,

if that's okay.

- I get it.

My little bin Laden's
going into hiding.

I've got an assignment
for you--

guaranteed to make people smile

and could possibly
even save lives.

It's a profile on me.

- Oh.
- "A Day with My Mentor."

- Yeah. Yeah, great.
[knock at door]

- Hey, sorry to interrupt.

Uh, just inviting you two

to my 39th birthday party
this Saturday.

- Amadi, you shouldn't have
told us your age.

We all thought you were
younger, and now we're sad.

- Yeah, I know.

I was just inviting you
to be nice.

And also, just to be nice,

I'm telling you
you don't have to come.

- I appreciate that.

You know me too well,
which is why I love you.

So f*ck the party.

Uh, do you mind f*cking off
right now?

And could you f*ck off?
- Okay. All right.

- Won't see you there.

Okay, so you gonna come?

Cindy's out of town,

and we weren't going to do
anything at all,

but then the girls said
it would be sad

if we did nothing, so...

- Yeah. No, I mean, I'm
honestly relieved

that I'm even invited.

- Look, uh,
I know that you feel like

I didn't have your back
in that meeting with Sheila.

Uh, but I want you to know

how absolutely complicated
that was for me.

- Yeah.
- Okay?

I'm the only Black editor here.

And as much as I would have
loved to delete that article,

that's just us, you know,
hiding the fact

that we f*cked up,
and we can't do that.

- I know, and I'm the one
that f*cked up,

so I just hate that I put you
in that position.

And the whole thing
just f*cking sucks,

and I'm really sorry.

- Okay, so can we get
buzzed now

and play cornhole
in my back yard?

- Abso-g*dd*mn-lutely.

- And you know what?

I'm very happy that you're
going to be there

to watch my kids
while I get blackout drunk.

- It's your birthday.

- Oh, my God, I'm tearing up
thinking about it.

It was me. It was Jesse.
It was Bongo.

We were just smoking and
snorting everything in sight.

I think we smoked Bongo's
dog's ashes or something.

- Wow.
- And then we would all just

make these amazing zines
that were just gut and...

Oh, while I'm thinking
about it,

I wrote you a few questions
for you to ask me.

- Wow. Okay.

Uh, as the most renowned voice
of Generation X,

how does such a talent reckon

with the entitled journalists
of this generation?

- Oh, good question.
Maybe you should answer that.

Oh, look, we're here.

[upbeat rock music]

Oh, my God.
This is where it all started.

Wait, let's see
if it's still here.

Yes. Annie,
this is our first issue.

- Wow.
- I totally trashed Nirvana.

Kurt Cobain cried--
f*cking baby.

Look at my a*s.

- No, that's a--
that's a really good a*s.

- And that's my tongue!
[laughs]

- Oh.
- [laughs] This is Bongo.

- [laughs]
- [chuckles awkwardly]

- Yeah, a lot of miles
on that tongue, a lot of miles.

How are you, man?
- I'm good. Get over here.

- You get over here.

- This guy started
"The Thorn" with me.

- Well, nice
to meet you, Bongo.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

- You know?
- Remember what I said.

Remember what I said last time.
- Oh, right.

Annie, turn off your phone.
He's sensitive to 5G.

- Oh, okay.

- Just have everyone
turn it off,

and then when you leave,
you can turn it back on again.

- [grunts]
- No, I have to say,

these--these old covers
are really cool.

Like, I wish "The Thorn"
would do stuff like that now.

- When I was there,

Sheila really--she joined,
and she pissed me off.

- It was horrible.

I mean pre-Sheila
we could do anything we wanted.

We could do train hopping
in Mexico.

You know, the last straw
was we had the edible issue,

which was made
of LSD windowpane.

[Bongo chuckles]
You know?

It was a beautiful thing,
but she didn't like it.

You know?

- Mm. That's cool.
No, that's super cool.

I mean, I remember reading
those issues,

and I felt like
a big, fat rosacea loser,

and they actually made me
feel very cool.

So thank you very much.

- Oh, oh, it was--
you know, it was a lot of fun.

We were having a lot of fun.
- We were having too much fun.

You were having too much fun.
Do you remember?

You don't remember any of it,
do you?

Now he's embarrassed.

BONGO: Right.
- Okay.

- Are you f*cking kidding me?
- Oh, that's it right here.

- That's it!
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God, Annie.
This is our band, Glitter f*ck.

- Cool.
- Is this the original?

- Yeah, I keep it set up.
- It's so shiny.

- Remember this one?

[drums playing
♪ One, two, three, four ♪

- ♪ f*ck you, Tipper Gore ♪

- ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

- ♪ You and Alice Sissymore ♪

- ♪ I said, "Ah!" ♪

♪ I said, "Wah!" ♪
- Okay.

- ♪ Screw the wah,
wah, wah, wah ♪

[scatting nonsensically]

- ♪ f*ck ♪

♪ f*ck, f*ck ♪

ANNIE:
Fran...

now, after I left Gabe,
I passed a bakery,

and I got you this just to say
a true sorry again.

It says "dumb white witch."

It was supposed to say "b*tch,"
but the bakery said no,

so it just says "witch" now.

- Okay, Annie,
this is very sweet

but I don't need
any more apologies.

I just want you to focus
on doing better.

- I know. That is why I want to
be completely honest with you

and just let you know
that a couple days ago,

I f*cked Ryan.

- No.

Wow, that's bad.

That's really, really bad.

Wow.

- And...

he has a girlfriend.
- Oh. Ugh.

- And her boobs are small,

and they're,
like, the good kind of small.

- The kind of small that you
can wear a tank top and no bra?

- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, they're just up,

and she doesn't even have
to worry about 'em.

- Okay.

Thank you for telling me.
- Yes.

- I appreciate the honesty.
- Thank you.

- Uh, for my mental health
I'm going to have to bow out.

- Great.
- Moving on...

- Yeah.

- I'm meeting Em's parents
this weekend,

and I want to impress them.

So which of these wines do you
think looks the fanciest?

- Okay, I'm gonna say...

the one
called "Pee-pee Riock Ragu."

- Oh, the "Pee-pee Rock" one.

- The fact that it has a fancy
name will help.

- Yes.

Wow, I'm nervous.

- You're gonna be great.
I mean, my parents love you.

- They do.
That's very true.

Okay, I just need to stop
obsessing over it.

- Actually, I have to go
to my parents'

'cause I told them I'd go
through a bunch

of, like, my old stuff,
but do you want to come with?

And you can poach
all their good sh*t?

- Okay, yeah.
Absolutely, yeah.

They have that vase that's also
a bong that I've had my eye on.

- Yes, that's yours.

They're not gonna know.
They're gone.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Cha-ching.

- I'm in.

- I think my parents have saved

literally every single thing
I've ever written.

- Mm.
- But even just the stuff

that's just, like,
in the calendar.

- Okay, yeah,
I'm going to need you

to take this one out
to the car, if that's okay.

- [laughs]

- And also explain all of this
that I'm looking at here.

- Oh, no.

Th--these are my pashminas.

- Oh, of course.
- Yeah.

I used to wear these
to school dances

to cover,
you know, my upper arms.

- Sure. Sure.

- I think I just thought
everyone would think,

"Oh, she's so thin,
she's cold."

- Yes, yes,
I was sort of, uh...

girl in a small bolero jacket,
that kind of vibe.

- Mm. Fitting for
a 13-year-old, I'm sure.

[both laugh]
- Absolutely, yeah.

Well, yeah, I guess I should
add this one to the pile.

I feel like I should probably
wear this to meet Em's parents.

I think it says.
"I know how to stay warm,

which means I'm capable
of protecting your child."

- Of course. Very good logic.
- Thank you.

- They're gonna
understand that.

[both laugh]

- Oh, my God.
[gasps]

Oh, wow.

Oh, God, this is too sweet.

These are little notes

that my dad wrote to my mom
in the '80s.

- Aw. They've been together
for so long.

- I know.

They're, like, locked together
in an RV,

and they f*cking love it.

That's what I want.

- Yeah, me too.
That's true love.

- I know.

- I'm gonna take this.
I'm gonna take this.

- Mm.

- And I'm also gonna
take this.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Fine, but I'm keeping
the little hat.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, what're we doing
at the Mayor's house?

- I know. It's stupid.

There's a reason
I don't come here that often.

- [laughs]

[scoffs]
This is where you grew up?

I would've brought better wine.

- Yeah, I should've given you
a heads-up.

I'm sorry.
Are you mad?

- No, I'm not mad.

Having a rich lover
is what my parents

wanted for me all along.
- We're here.

I'm not rich. My parents
are upper middle class.

It's a big house
'cause it's in the suburbs.

- Sure, yeah.

Okay, Richie, whatever.
I can handle it.

I'm British, which means
I'm inherently fancy.

- Mm.

Dad?

We're here.
[bottle clatters]

- Hmm?
- What?

- No, I'm saving that
for the way home.

- [laughs]
Oh.

- Oh, so that's a chandelier.

- Hey, Emma.

Happy birthday, old man!
- Mm!

There's my friend.
- Hi.

- Hey, you me brought a cake.
- Yep.

- "Sorry I'm a dumb white."
- Yep.

- Okay, and then there's
a missing slice.

- Yep. Yep.

This cake is
on a little apology tour

because, you know,
my shitty article,

also the shitty time

I screamed at you
about a blind date.

- Mm, speaking of...

[indie rock music]

♪♪

- Oh.

- I got to check
on the burgers.

You want to come with?
- Mm-hmm.

- All right.
- Yep.

- Yeah, I abandoned
the cornhole idea

because obviously...

- Hi, Annie.
- Oh, hey.

Hey, guys.
Long time, no see.

- We heard you got
into some deep doo-doo at work.

- Yeah.
- Love you keeping it spicy.

- Yep. Yeah.
- Stop it. Are you drunk?

- What? It's Amadi's party.
I get to drink.

- Yeah, I'm--
I'm actually gonna put these

over there,
get a drink, too, so...

- Annie, look at this!

- Oh, cool.
Hey, guys.

What do you got?

- Will bought us
these weird ba*ls.

- Oh, yeah, those are cool.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

- Hi.

Um, yeah, I like how they
get small and then big again.

- Hey, girls,
burgers are ready.

Are y'all hungry?
BOTH: Yeah!

- Yeah?
- Wow.

Wow.

- So is this awkward
because of "text gate"?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, you--you nailed it.

- Yep. Yeah.

Not--not my best moment, so...

- Probably one
of the worst moments for me.

I'd love to keep
talking about it.

- [laughs]

Yeah, well...

stay partyin'.

KRISTEN: I put the sauce
on the side, just in case.

- Ooh, my favorite.
KRISTEN: Mm.

- I can't stop looking at it.
- Stop.

She is dead.
I have risen.

- So what kind of work
do you do, Hugh?

- Ah, I'm retired now,

but, uh, I used to work
at McKipsey, a consulting firm.

- Yeah, they helped ICE
with the deportations.

It's, like, a very evil place.
- Wow.

- Uh, to be fair,
that happened after I left.

- And, Kristen, what about you?

- I do a lot of charity work.

Oh, and, you know, my book club

is actually reading
a g*y book now.

- God knows I love a g*y book.
- [chuckles]

Well, it's an immensely
personal issue for me.

My uncle came out as g*y.

- Didn't he k*ll himself?
- Oh, gruesome.

- Well, yes, but that was
because of money troubles.

[scoffs] And it was his husband
who found the body.

To true love.

- To true love.

BOTH: Yes.

- More.
- More?

Okay.

- More, please.
- You're the boss.

- Stop.

Yummy.
- Mm-hmm.

- I don't want it.

- [chuckles] Well...
- You're the adult.

You're supposed to keep kids

from eating only
mac and cheese anyway.

- I think I trusted her
instincts more than mine, so...

- Yeah.

- Am I responsible
for eating this now?

I can't put it back.

- I don't know.
You dug your own grave.

Uh, I tell you what,
I'll have half of it.

- Really?
- We'll share the work.

- Thank you.
- All right.

- Thanks,
you're doing me a solid.

- Bye.

- Thanks...

you.

f*ck, "thanks you."

- Emelia was at least a foot
taller than most boys, too.

- What do they teach you
at cotillion?

- Oh, um, obedience,
self-hatred,

and sexual repression.

- Uh...
[chuckles]

Well, I grew up a tomboy,
so by the time I did it,

I desperately wanted to be
in fancy ball gowns.

- Well, it was hell for me.

HUGH: [clears throat]

Fran, while you're here,
you must meet Henry.

- Oh, I think Henry misses you.

John says his appetite
hasn't been great.

- Oh, no. Okay, I'll check
on my guy later.

- Who's Henry?

Should I be jealous?
- Oh!

- Ah, Em's horse
since grade school.

For a while, we thought
that Emelia and Henry

were going to make it
to the Olympics.

- Okay, Dad.

- An absolute equestrian
prodigy, I tell you.

Of all the girls out there,

everyone said
she had the best canter.

- Hon, Em prefers "them."

It's "they" and "them."

HUGH:
Oh.

Sorry, dear.

- Thank you. We're all good.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I love that painting.

- Oh, yeah.
It's gorgeous, isn't it?

- The artist
is incarcerated now.

- I sat for 48 hours.
- Texture, very good texture.

- I was in 9th grade.

Amadi was in 12th,
which sounds okay now,

but that was a 14-year-old and
a 17-year-old hanging out.

It was pretty sad.

- Okay, hold on.
He looked like he was 21.

He had a full goatee.
He used to buy us beer.

[laughter]
WILL: That's fair.

Do you remember we were both
in love with Gina Kwon?

- Oh, yeah.
- The 10th-grade flautist.

But we were too scared
to talk to her.

We'd just talk about how cool
she was in our car pool.

And he seems cool now.

It's important you know.
Amadi was a loser back then,

you know, so...

People change, you know.

Um, when you went to college,
you still didn't shut me out,

your friend
who was still a child.

- [chuckles]

- But that's 'cause
you're a solid friend

and you get better
and better every year,

and we love you, buddy.

ALL: Aw.
- sh*t. Okay.

PERSON: That's sweet.
PERSON 2: We love you.

- You trying to make me cry
out here?

It's my birthday.
- Speaking of...

ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- You m*therf*ckers.

ALL:
♪ Happy birthday... ♪

- Okay, I think
you've had enough.

- I got an idea, babe.
- No, no.

- Why don't we just
stay here tonight?

- Whoa.

- Stay here?
- Yeah.

YASMIN: And just impose
on Amadi? What--

ROB: Amadi's my friend.
He cool with it.

YASMIN:
Amadi has his own life.

We can't just come over
and spend the night, like...

- Wow.

Doing dishes.

You're--you're
a very good guest.

[chuckles]

Do you um, want some help?

- Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

I'll rinse if you want to dry.

- Yeah.

Um...

uh, your speech
was very sweet.

- That's a compliment,
coming from a writer.

- Well, I'm
a disgraced writer, so...

- Well, I'll take
all the compliments I can get.

- [laughs] Are you gonna wash
those plates?

[laughs]
Yeah, that's more my speed.

FRAN: I can't believe
I've known you for three years,

and I didn't know
about all of this stuff.

EMILY: I know. I think I was
just kind of, like, embarrassed

and yucked out by it all.

- Oh, why?
Because your horse

wasn't as big
as the other kids' horses?

- [laughs]
No, he's quite big.

[horse neighs]
- [scoffs]

- Henry?
- [chuffs]

- Hi, baby.

- He's gorgeous.
- You want to feed him?

- Yeah.
- Mm.

- Hi, Henry.

That's it.
Hungry boy.

[gasps] Wow.

- I know it sounds incredibly
stupid and privileged,

but the high-society sh*t
was just a lot for me

and I tried
to get away from it.

- Sorry, did you say something?

All I could hear
was ka-ching, ka-ching.

- [laughs] That's the sound
of him chewing.

Hey, sweetie.

- I'm--I'm really sorry
that you're rich,

but I think you'll survive.

- You don't seem
sorry at all.

- [chuckles]
[horse neighs]

Hi, hon.

Do you want to be
in the movies?

Yeah, I'm gonna make you
a star.

[soft music]

- Well...

the relief I feel
now that the sink is clean

and this kitchen is clean
is sad.

This isn't even my house.

- No, no, that's good.
I wish I was that way.

[giggles]

Um...

Will...

I-I think I owe you
a more real apology

for how shitty
I was on our date.

I just thought that Amadi...

set us up
because we were both...

well, fat

and I was only thinking
about myself

and how embarrassed I would be
that if anyone saw me

as, like, a part
of just, like, a pair of fats

who were together because
that's what we deserved.

Um, and I'm just--
I'm really sorry...

'cause it's extremely stupid
and shallow.

- It probably didn't help
when I knocked over a glass

of water, like, immediately.

Um...
you know, it's okay, really.

- It's really not okay.

And I'm really embarrassed.

Um...

yeah.

I just...

[sighs]

It's like the worst part of me

and kind of the most hateful
towards myself and you.

And you didn't do anything.

I was in, like, a very...

devaluing relationship where...

I really didn't think
I deserved sh*t.

And, um...

part of that was because
of how I looked or look.

And when I finally
had the chance

and was sitting
in front of someone

who was actually good,
like, I couldn't even see it.

- Wow.

Thank you for...

Thank you for apologizing.

I did cry when I got home
that night and...

- You did?
- No.

- Don't f*ck with me right now.

- It was too easy.

Honestly, I could tell
something was going on,

but I-I just assumed
it was about me.

- No.

- You know, I wasn't perfect
either that night.

- No, you were
so sweet and funny

and...

and open.

- I just mean I-I told you
I was married.

The last time I was on a date
was high school,

so I was a nervous wreck
and-and wasn't myself,

partially because
I thought that...

that you were...

smart and pretty.

- Thank you.

I, um...

Well, I-I find you
really attractive.

Like...

Like, I want to kiss you
right now.

- I want to kiss you, too.

- So then we should kiss.

[Adrianne Lenker's "anything"]

ADRIANNE: ♪ Staring down
the barrel of the hot sun ♪

♪ Shining with the sheen
of a shotgun ♪

♪ Carol has a little
if we need some ♪

♪ Jo has a ride
if we wanna come ♪

♪ Hanging your jeans
with a clothespin ♪

♪ Skin still wet,
still on my skin ♪

♪ Mango in your mouth,
juice drippin' ♪

♪ Shoulder of your
shirt sleeve slippin' ♪

♪ Christmas Eve
with your mother and sis ♪

♪ Don't wanna fight,
but your mother insists ♪

♪ Dog's white teeth slice
right through my fist ♪

♪ Drive to the ER,
and they put me on risk ♪

♪ Grocery store list,
now you get pissed ♪

♪ Unchecked calls
and messages ♪

♪ I don't wanna be the owner
of your fantasy ♪

♪ I just wanna be a part
of your family ♪

♪ And I don't wanna talk
about anything ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk
about anything ♪

♪ I wanna kiss,
kiss your eyes again ♪

♪ Wanna witness
your eyes looking ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk
about anyone ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk
about anyone ♪

♪ I wanna sleep in your car
while you're driving ♪

♪ Lay in your lap
when I'm crying ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk
about anyone ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk
about anyone ♪

♪ I wanna sleep in your car
while you're driving ♪

♪ Lay in your lap
when I'm crying ♪

♪ ♪