02x01 - Rob Brydon, Robert Webb, Gabby Logan, Krishnan Guru-Murthy

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, on Would I Lie to You,

She's a sporting great, it's Gabby Logan!

He's David's mate, it's Robert Webb!

And their team captain, Lee Mack!

And facing them tonight,

He's the Jocaine of hack, it's Rob Brydon!
[我实在没听出来这里的介绍词是啥...]

He's a cello for a hand, it's Krishnan
Guru-Murthy![这里也没听出来orz]

And their team captain, David Mitchell!

But first, please try to convey
a convincing impression

of complete spontaneity in appreciation
of your host, Angus Deayton.

Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie to You,

A question to which the answer is,

“Of course I would. This is the BBC.”

If you look up the definition of lie online,

It says it's a type of deception in the
form of an untruthful statement,

Which is pretty rich coming from Wikipedia.

An estimate says that everyone
lies, on average, twice a day.

So I guess there must have been a fair few
people out there who aren’t lying at all.

For Gordon Brown to be able to fit in all of his.

Which brings us, not a moment too soon, to

round one, the domestically
titled Home Truth.

In which our panelists take it in turns to

read out the statement from
a card in front of them.

That card may contain a familiar
truth or a scurrilous lie that

we've made up on their behalf.

And they are now reading for the first time.

In which case they have
about two nanoseconds

to come up with
convincing stories,

so no pressure.

Our commiseration then
to Gabby, who's first up.

- Thank you, Angus. - Gabby?

I have stolen sweets from
Madonna's dressing room.

Right. I think the key is the context there.

Why were you in the Madonna complex,

moving from room to room, in search of sugar?

It was actually her dressing
room at a concert venue.

Could you be specific or were
you taken there blindfolded?

It was at a venue in London,
where she was performing.

- Could you be even more specific
than the city? - The Brixton Academy.

Right. Why were you around the backstage?

Did you have a...It was at Brixton Academy.

Accidentally, I found myself
in the VVVVIP party that

was apparently right next to
Madonna's dressing room.

So I was walking out, and looked
in and saw this dressing room.

And just wandered in, 'cause I was intrigued.

- What were the sweets? - The sweets were...

You know those long, red liquorice-y
things with sugar that are quite...

Quite sour, actually, when you
get it at the back of your mouth.

I find this very hard to believe that

- the door wasn't manned by...
- I'm disappointed that

you don't find it hard to
believe that I would steal.

No, I accept that straight away.

I can't imagine, I mean,
even if she asks for sweets,

I don't think she'd ask for
that sort of red liquorice-y string.

David, your verdict, you're team captain,

you have to come to decision here.

I think we're moving towards lie, aren't we?

- Lie. - You're saying it's a filthy lie. Gabby?

It is, indeed, the truth.

It is true. Gabby did steal sweets
from Madonna's dressing room.

Seems only fair. Madonna helped
herself to a child from Malawi.

Rob, your home truth, if you would?

Right.

I once simultaneously worked as both
the DJ and the newsreader on local radio

using a different accent for each job.

I really hope this is true.

What were the two accents?

When I was a DJ, I used to...
I was younger so I had a higher voice.

So I used to talk a little bit
like that: "Thanks very much."

The newsreader, I would
talk a bit more like that.

- That's not the accent, That's just the
tone. - That's the tone, yeah.

Well, if you'd let me finish...

I had a slightly Welsh
tone, to the newsreader.

Because I am Welsh, and I would sort
of give it a Anthony Hopkins, sort of...

"Now that news's coming in at this moment
there's been a horrific pile-up on the M4.

Three ambulances are on
their way there right now."

I would just do it more slowly,
give it a slight more Welsh lilt.

Did you ever have any
banter between yourselves?

No, I never did, no.

- What was the station again? - BBC Welsh.

Was this a time of great
cutback at BBC Radio Welsh?

- Why couldn't they afford... - It's always
a time of great cutback at Radio Welsh.

They couldn't afford a newsreader?
Are they very expensive, Krishnan?

Newsreader, I mean?

I love the idea of Krishnan
doing that on television as well.

Just getting a Wicon and
running over to the weather.

The first time it happened was...

Sort of accidentally, it was when
the newsreader didn't come in.

It was a very early show. It was
from 6:30 in the morning to 7:30.

And the newsreader, one
time, when there was snow,

didn't come, and they
said "Will you read the news?"

And I did it for a laugh.

I did it in a different voice after the...

And then...just kind of stuck with it.

- Did you read the sport? - No, there was
a sports guy called David Cartwright.

Interesting they didn't
give him the news job.

We've already established, Gabby,
that you are little better than a thief, so...

For you to sit there
taking the moral high ground

when I stepped in to save a colleague

who've got stuck and couldn't make it in.

Frankly, it's a bit rich.

I expect more support from a team
captain than I'm getting at the moment.

I'm getting nothing from this fellow,
sitting here reading my thoughts, going

"I wonder what he's thinking
right now. I can't imagine..."

Where are you, big fella?

'Cause frankly David, now
would be a good time to join in.

I know it's harder and harder to
get impressions on the television,

But this isn't the place.

I'm totally behind you...

I would just like to publicly say how
plausible I think everything you say is.

That's exactly what I would've
done in your position...You know.

So, Lee, you're gonna have to
come to a decision of some sort.

I thought that was in Assured
Performance and I wish it were true.

But I don't think it's true.

Because it's...That would be silly.

- What do you think, Gabby? - I think it's a lie.

- Robert? - I think it's a lie.

Okay, we think that's a lie.

- They're saying a lie?
- They are saying it's a lie.

- So the truth, please? - In fact, it's a lie.

It is a lie, well done.

Well deduced. It is a lie.

Rob did not simultaneously work as
the DJ and the newsreader on local radio.

To be a local radio DJ, you have
to have enthusiasm, poise and

the belief in your heart of hearts
that slough actually matters.

Next up, it's Robert's turn to astonish us.

My nickname at school was Mr. Custard.

David.

Your initial response.

Why were you called Mr. Custard?

- Can I just check, you two didn't go
to school together, did you? - No.

- It's not quite that sick. - Carry on then.

It happened because of this...

Because firstly, I was very sick once.

On some custard, because I was at school.

- On some custard? - On some custard.

Well, the custard made me sick,
but there was some custard left.

So I suppose, yes, David.

- I was sick on some custard.
- You were sick, custard on custard.

- Exactly, custard makes... - He sees custard,

he sicks custard on it. That was the thing.

- Mr. Custard. The old "custardize than
eat custard". - That was the system.

- How old were you? - I was 9-ish.

- Aw... - Yeah.

How long did it stick?

How long does it stick?

Yes, the nickname.

- It was actually, it was relatively easy.
- You know, every person in the room

thought you meant the custard. Everybody.

For a couple of years, and
then I changed school, luckily.

So, and I, cleverly, didn't tell the new people.

I sort of feel that...People
say children can be very cruel.

And actually, wouldn't they focus more
on the whole puke-y, vomit-y element

rather than the custard
and call you Mr. Sick?

Or Mr. Puke, I suppose?

If he was as charming at school as he is now,

then I think they would
focus on the custard.

That's why I'm now coming
around to believing his story.

I'm both moved and delighted.

I'm kinda with you on that it's not
quite cruel enough as a nickname.

And so, therefore, you're thinking?

Therefore, I'm thinking lie.

I would go with that.

I'll go with the consensus and say lie.

Okay, team captain is saying it's a lie.

So, Robert, time to confess.

It's a lie.

It is a lie, well done.

And so we move into round
two, The Ring of Truth.

Where I'll read out some
extraordinary celebrity facts,

and the panelists' mission,
should they choose to accept it,

is to establish the truth or,
otherwise, off that fact.

Lee's team have these
words of wisdom to enjoy.

Some games are magnificent,
others not so good.

You know...Omelettes.

Eggs.

You haven't got an egg for the moment?

No eggs, no omelettes.

It depends on the quality of the eggs.

In the supermarket, you have eggs,
class one, class two, class three...

And some are more expensive than others.

And some give you better omelettes.

So when the class one eggs,

you know, are in Waitrose
and you can not go there.

You have a problem.

I like it that he's launched fiercely
into the this extended egg metaphor...

In a second language.

And he's a football manager.

Not the most chatty, eloquent
guys usually, most of the time.

And he's kind of doing it. And towards the end,

he starts to slightly smile.

It sounds like "I even amaze myself."

And then you get the sound of those
slightly arselick-y sports journalists,

starting to chuckling along, going,

"Hose's off on one again.

Oh, I love it when he goes off on one.

Oh, he's brilliant, what a character!"

What a boring twat.

Okay, here is the related fact, then.

The tagline for the advert is that

"Jose's filling your home with
a sweet smell of success."

And the fragrances include something
called "Sent Off" and "The Special One".

"Sent off" has obviously put a
lot of effort into the pun there.

And the second one, they've
just said "The Special One".

Third one's probably "Stinks
Like a Norwegian Forest.

Let's go for a pint".

Beckham has his own fragrance,

- Sven had his own pesto sauce and...
- That's body fragrance, isn't it, Beckham?

Alex Ferguson drinks Toilet Duck.

Possible.

Anything's possible in this game.

So, Lee, any idea?

Oh, you're the football expert
on this particular panel,

so what do you think?
[Gabby才是]

Sorry.

What do you think, Gabby?

Yeah, I don't think it's true.

I just think it's too random.

I mean, air fresheners?

I...No.

- Okay, we say it's a lie.
- They're saying it's not true.

And it is in fact...

A lie. Brilliant.

Right, well done.

Yes, Jose Mourinho is not about to
release his own range of air freshener.

He was thinking about it,

but Roman Abramovich has just
bought the world supply of air.

Jose introduced club dietitian
and nutritionist at Chelsea

although Ashley Cole still likes to
get stuck into half-time orange

or Cheryl Tweedie, as she's known.

And now, for David's team.

We've question about this
somewhat surprising Agony Aunt,

with the emphasis very much on agony.

You've got no ambition and
you don't wanna do anything.

You might as well just go and lie in a ditch.

Are you expecting to go from where
you are now, which is on the sofa,

to halfway up the ladder?

I don't.

And you can't...You've gotta
begin on the first rung.

But I'd rather be on the first rung

of a ladder that I wanna climb
than halfway up a ladder I don't.

Okay, which is this ladder you wanna climb?

I don't know yet.

Pardon me, I've been nuts.

The aunt really ain't got a scope with
you when you're talking about that.

You don't sound right at the moment at all.

- "Hey, what do you wanna do?" "I don't
know" - I said I don't wanna be

- at the bottom of the ladder.
- So, what ladder do you wanna be on?

I mean, I don't know what
ladder you wanna be on.

And so you've tried different ladders,

- Do you know what ladder you wanna be on?
- Are you talking about the window cleaner?

The slight flaw in the program is that

if you work really hard, you can end
up like an insane woman

with lopsided t*ts and a crash helmet hairdo.

Here is your related fact.

LP: long-playing [record]

Is that true, David's team?

Well, I mean, definitely
the possibility exists.

I would sort of like to say,
in defense of Anne Widdecombe,

that the thing that's bad about her

is all her horrible views,
not the fact that she's ugly.

Is that the best thing we
could say about this woman

who's sort of voted against g*y rights
and horribly wanted to get into power

and make us do terrible things.

This evil person.

And the only thing we can
find to say about her is

she doesn't look great.

It is a bit like, insulting Hitler because
you don't like his mustache length, isn't it?

- Right. - Or his hairdo.

Or his hairdo, exactly.

- Exactly like mine. - David didn't
wanna mention the hairdo.

I don't wanna help your team,

but the key word, when we're
looking at those, is the LP bit.

There's something about the idea
of being on a LP and going...

She would have a...

I think this is undoubtedly true.

- Are you going to overrule your
teammate or? - I'm not going...

I have absolutely no idea.

- And Rob seems confident. - No, I think it's a lie.

I say it's a lie.

You said it's a...?

- Your point of view? - I'm going towards a lie.

Because I think the lion and
the tiger bit is the thing that's...

If it was whale musical...

- Okay, I... - Wait, I think it's true.

I'm gonna go with what you think now.

OK, it's a yes.

- It's a yes. - It's a yes.

- Say no. - Say no.

I would say lie.

He says no, he says lie.

- You say? - It's "no lie".

It's true.

Ah...Brilliant.

Which is the right answer.

Anne Widdecombe does relax

by listening to an LP of lion and
tiger noises from the jungle.

They drown out the growls her stomach makes

when she hasn't eaten for 10 minutes.

There's nothing like hearing the
sound of lions' jaws crushing

the skull of a screaming wildebeest
to send you nodding off.

And on track 5, site 2,

she feeds them an asylum seeker.

Which means at the end of this round

Well, neither team has the comfort of a
lead, both tied together by 3 points

Our next round is the
inadequately titled This is My.

Lee's team will each claim to have a
connection with tonight's mystery guest

But only one of them
will be telling the truth.

It's then up to David's team

to spot the saint among the sinners.

So, please welcome this
week's special guest person. Viva.

So, Robert, what's Viva to you?

This is Viva, she is my ex-girlfriend.

She dumped me when I
got her for Christmas a torch.

Gabby, perhaps you'd like
to explain how you know Viva?

Yeah, this is Viva.

She was my arch rival
in rhythmic gymnastics.

And finally Lee, your relationship with...

This is Viva, she tried to teach me to swim

when I was 30. But it didn't work.

So, there you are, a former partner to Robert,

a rival gymnast to Gabby,

or Lee's unsuccessful swimming coach.

Who do you wanna start with?

What are rhythmic gymnastics?

Rhythmic gymnastics use
ribbons, hoops, ba*ls, clubs, ropes...

So not proper gymnastics then?
[笑点应该是rob听到道具有了一些瑟瑟联想?）

It's a form of gymnastics
which has its own beauty.

And at what level did you compete?

We competed at international level.

And you're still friends with her now?

Yeah, we know each other, yeah.

When did you last see her?

- Oh, a few months ago. - Where?

Just around the corner.

- Where? - Just...

- In the street. - Where?

- Just in London. - Where?

Where?

- It's a gym... - It's alright,
I've got this. Where in London?

Where in London did you see her?

- I saw her in a restaurant in
west London. - Which restaurant?

She's lying, next.

Are you the same age then?

Viva's actually about a year older than me.

Yeah...

And if you're friends with her,
you'll know when she's due, 'cause...

Oh, is she pregnant? 'Cause I didn't like to say.

I thought you just let yourself go.

So you can't swim, Lee?

I couldn't swim when I was 30.

How old are you now?

I'm 39.



I think you can say, if she's been trying
to teach you to swim for 9 years,

- and you still can't... - No, she hasn't been
trying to teach me to swim for 9 years.

She tried to teach me to swim when I was 30.

And she failed.

Where did you have your lessons?

In my hometown, Southport.

I reckon he's lived in London
for more than 9 years.

He wouldn't have been in Southport 9 years ago.

- So he also... - How do you
know how long I've lived in London?

- 'Cause you've been on the circuit, you've been
around for a long time. - Believe it or not,

- you can live up north and still
be on telly. - No, you can't.

No, you can't.

No, you can't.

We've got this thing that's just come
up north called "the car" and it's brilliant!

Why, at age 30, what was it that made you think

"I really ought to learn to swim".

It's a good question, and
I can answer that very simply.

I moved to Brighton.

And I lived in a flat that overlooked the sea.

So, hang on, so you moved to Brighton,

and you travelled to Southport
to have your swimming lessons?

Thank you, sir! You're done!

You're done!

You should be on The Bill.

When you're finished,

- can I continue the story? - Yes.

- I don't think there's any point,
Lee. - At the age of 30,

I moved to Brighton, and I looked at the sea.

And I thought, "Oh my God,
I'm terrified by the water,

I'm moving back to Southport."

Why don't you join Gabby in liars' corner?

Rob, when did you go out with...?

This was the...



What kind of torch was it?

Quite a cheap one. We met
at Gateway Supermarket,

which was my after-school job.

She was putting out a display
of cheap plastic torches.

- And you thought, "That's the gift."
- I thought it would be a funny joke

to give her for Christmas and it
didn't go down as well as I'd hope.

And who dumped who?

Viva dumped me.

It was partly due to the torch,

also it might have been
something to do with the fact that I

didn't go to her 18th birthday party

because I hated all her friends.

What did you hate all her friends?

They were boorish and irritating.

What did you learn from the relationship?

- What did you take away?
- Try and form relationships with people

that are based on more
than just sex and drinking.

- You say you learn that
message in 1991? - Well, I tried to.

OK.

It's definitely Robert.

Because of the way that Viva is
reacting when Robert is speaking.

She's kind of going "Oh, that idiot."

I think Robert is telling the truth.

Can I also say that for a pregnant woman,

- those boots are ill-advised. - You're saying...?

You need back support, my love.

- Ah, but she was a gymnast, you see?
- You're making problem for later on.

- So she's got very good core strength. - Gabby.

- She's not a gymnast.
- Or she's a swimming teacher.

- She might be... - She's not pregnant.

It's a buoyancy aid.

OK, David's team, we need an answer.

So, is this person an erstwhile
girlfriend from Robert's past,

Gabby's gymnastic opponent,

or Lee's swimming teacher?

I think Robert's telling the truth.

Because when he said that
her friends were really boorish.

- He looked really quite nervous. - Yes.

- Okay, I think we are gonna say... - OK.

- Rob's telling the truth.
- They're saying it's Robert.

Viva, perhaps you'd like to
reveal who you really are?

I was Gabby's rival in rhythmic gymnastics.

Congratulations to Viva and
thank you very much indeed.

So at the end of that round...

It's David's team who are showing all the
fighting spirits of the French[应该是乳法梗?）

caving in as they have 4-3.

So we come now happily to our final round.

More disturbing insights from our panelists.

Who, yet again, have no idea what's
written on the card they're about to read.

Beginning with, David.

I believe disaster will occur if I don't
adhere to my special alarm clock system.

What is this alarm clock system?

The system is that, I have two alarm clocks,

one that plugs in and one on my phone.

And I set them both the same time.

Because historically I used
to be quite a deep sleeper

and it was difficult to wake up.

One will usually go off first, even
though they are for the same time.

'Cause the clocks are independent.

And I have to turn the
other one off before it goes.

What kind of disasters do
you imagine will occur?

I imagine I might die, basically.

I imagine I might discover
I've got a terminal disease or

I imagine whatever thing
I'm most worried about.

Are you following this? I'm totally confused.

You've got two alarm clocks.

- Yeah. - One of them is plugged in,
one of them is one your phone.

And the explanation for why do you do this

is because "I think I might
get a terminal illness“?

Is there a big bit that I've missed out?

Yes, there is. All the words I said
in between those parts of the story.

So, Lee, do you think there's any truth in this?

- I think we have to rely on Robert's knowledge
of David for this. - I think it's true.

G: Yeah, I think it's true. L: You do? R: Yes.

I've spent many years watching
David try to leave the house

without unlocking and locking

and unlocking and locking
the door for 7 or 8 times.

So I believe he would have
a system for waking up.

You are team captain.

- Gabby? - True, definitely true.

- We'll go with true. -They're saying
it's true. OK, David, reveal all.

It is, in fact, true.

Yes, David does believe that is he doesn't
adhere to his special alarm clock system,

some kind of disaster will occur, like

someone finding out he's got
a special alarm clock system.

A lot of sportsman have superstition, too.

Tim Henman, for example, had a lucky towel that

he believed made him win tennis matches.

He left it in a hotel room in 1993.

Next, Krishnan.

I check for monsters before I go to bed.

Because I'm afraid of the dark.

How can that possibly be true?

You read the news.

Yeah, but there's lights on when
he read the news, isn't it?

Has this gone on a long, long time?

Well, since I was very young.

Does this happen every night?

Every night before you go to
bed, you check for monsters?

It depends on whether I'm alone.

It's probably slightly embarrassing,
if you're not alone, to check for monsters.

I'm a journalist.

So I travel and I'm on my own...

So talk us roughly through.

You're in a hotel, somewhere
away from your wife, it's dark.

- That much we can picture. - I'm in a hotel room.

I'm on my own.

As I generally would be in a hotel room.

I would check in the wardrobe.

In the ensuite bathroom.

- Right. - 'Cause you never
know what's in the shower.

I think, pretty sure, it's
a pubic hair on the wall.

The hotels I stay at anyway. It's a certainty.

Lee, what are you veering towards?

Are we saying not true?

- I really don't think it's true. - Unanimous?

- Lie. - Yeah, unanimous, it's a lie.

OK, they're saying it's a lie, Krishnan?

- Is it true? - It is 100% true.

It is absolutely true.

Next, Rob.

You're on.

I was voted the 47th sexiest man in Wales.

Who was the 48th?

I think it was John Humphrys. The...

Who made this...Who was it that...

Wales has its own newspaper
called the Western Mail.

Have we asked him which year this was?

Yeah, which year was it?

It was clearly not in the last 10.

It was about...

Listen to you, George Clooney.
[这里应该想表达”你也不是克鲁尼那种大帅哥“]

I can take that coming from Robert,
who has a certain earthy charm.

- Right, thank you. - But from a
rejected Chuckle Brother, it's a bit rich.

So, team captain, what are you saying?

- OK, we think that's a lie. - Yeah.

Okay, they're saying it's a lie.

Is it a truth or a lie?

- It's true. - It's absolutely true.

Yeah, it's true. Rob was voted
the 47th sexiest man in Wales.

And would have finished even higher if he
hadn't got cramped in his dialing finger.

Next, Robert.

I was voted the 88th sexiest man in the world.

By who?

- By...It was the readers of some
women's magazine. - Which one?

You would know.

New Look or New Woman.

Where did David finish?

- I'm not so very sure David was on that
list. - Not listed, unfortunately.

Generally, Robert is considered the
better-looking one of your outfit.

But it were me...

I...Can I say this, not in a g*y way.

But I think that you are
easier on the eye than him.

- Great. - I think there's something very pleasing...

You might notice, I've been looking at you a lot.

Not in a g*y way.

But in a...I just think he looks lovely.

Feel a bit weird about this.

But, you know, thanks.

- Rob, if we can drag you back to... - Anyway. Yes.

- the pole... - I think it's true.

Robert, the answer?

- It is true. - It is true.

Which hyperactive buzzing sound means

at the end of tonight's contest, it's David's team

who've lied their way to victory,

having thrashed Lee's team 7-6.

So, cheers and applause to our winners.

Jeers and derision to our losers.

And we leave you to the thought
that according to Winston Churchill,

a lie gets halfway round the world,

before the truth has its
chance to get its pants on.

Which suggests that while
lies may travel faster,

truth has been having a lot more fun.

Good night.