01x06 - Harry Enfield, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, Dave Spikey, Claudia Winkleman

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on Would I Lie to You...

He's packing a punch, it's Harry Enfield.

She's packed her lunch,
it's Claudia Winkleman.

And their team captain, David Mitchell.

And facing them tonight,

she's practically royalty,

it's Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

He's got a Netto loyalty card,

it's Dave Spikey.

And their team captain, Lee Mack.

But now, rest, burst in your head
with screams of excitement

for your host, Angus Deayton.

Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie to You,

the show where cheating and lying is not
only allowed but actively encouraged.

And lying is a part of everyday
life for most people nowadays,

As I was saying to George
Clooney only last night in the bath.

Women lie about their age.

For example, Geri Halliwell
claims she's only 40.

of course, it's a compulsive lie,
who suffered from woodworm,

sort of child's version of
Heather Mills, if you like.

Which pins us inextricably to
round one, Home Truth,

in which our panelists read out statements
about themselves from a card lain before them.

At this moment, in the passage of time,

they've no idea whether they'll be
reading a genuine truth or a hideous lie.

made up earlier today by a
crack team of YTS trainees.

The opposing team then use
any means of they disposal,

with the exception of blackmail
and light sexual favors,

to determine whether or
not they're being lied to.

Tara is first to surprise us all tonight.
Your home truth, if you would.

My home truth is that...

I have eaten a diamond.

Why?

I didn't mean to.

I was at a restaurant in Paris,

and a guy put it in my pudding,

and he was so rat-arsed by pudding he
forgot to tell me and I ate the whole thing.

Is this in a restaurant?

- Yes, it was a restaurant in Paris.
- And he put it in your pudding.

- Yeah. - And by the time you got to pudding...

he was too rat-arsed to remember.

In restaurants, they don't prepare
pudding at the beginning of the meal

and allow you to have a look at
it and pop a diamond in it.

- Oh, genius. - So that later on...

None of this adds up.

I'm sitting next to Quincy!

He went to...

He said to the people before.

"Look, I want to surprise her,

so can you put this diamond in her pudding?"

- So he gave them the diamond in
advance... - And then we had a row,

he got rat-arsed and then I ate the diamond.

End of.

Right.

At what point did he remember
that he put this diamond in your pu...

- Was it just after you've eaten it?
- No, it wasn't just after it.

It was on the way back.

To...When we were walking along the Seine.

Still arguing...

And then he went "Oh, Jesus Christ!"

- What if he'd been lying, in the
same way that I... - No...

Because I then went through
Heathrow Airport...

And it went "beep", take off everything...

And then it was found...
to be held...in my pants...

They're called metal detectors,
not diamond detectors.

Yeah, but it's on metal.

- David, what are you veering...
- Well, there are a lot of holes in the story.

But then, you know, Tara
just told it in a flaky way.

- You see? Double bluff. - I think it's true.

I know...Look, I heard you
out there, laughing at me.

However...

I think, sure, there were areas where
it didn't make sense, the metal detector...

Let it go. The bottom line is...

I bet you it's true.

Yeah, but I think it's the crafty kind of things
that researchers would have thought...

"Well, it's a kind of stupid, tough thing."

I'm gonna go, it's a lie.

He's saying it's a lie. He's overruling Claudia.

Tara, fact or fantasy?

It's true.

It's absolutely true.

- Good liar. - I'm good at lying.

I knew it.

Yeah, it's true.

Tara has eaten a diamond
when it was left in her dessert.

Hard to know what's more surprising, Tara
not noticing she'd eaten a diamond,

or that she once ate a whole pudding.

Knowing what happened to the diamond,
but if you're in a Paris restaurant

and see a rat driving a Ferrari,
you'll know who found it.

Harry, your home truth, if you would.

I can identify any breed of
dog just by hearing it growl.

- Such a lie. - How long have you been able to do this?

Oh yeah right...

This is how you put them off the scent.

I'd been able to do it for 5 years.

How did you learn that?

I went...I visited lots of dogs.

First of all, I listened to the
bark. And then I looked away.

And then I heard them bark
and then I learned that bark.

Okay, do a demonstration of a Rottweiler.

He can't imitate dogs.

He just can recognize the growls.

Okay, what's this one?

It's a Rottweiler.

No, it's a Saint Bernard.

- Can you distinguish between golden
Labradors and black Labradors? - Yes.

Really? What's the difference between

the golden one and the black
one? You're such a liar.

Well, they...Some go "woof".

And the other...Do a slightly different "woof".

- So you can do basically every
single breed of dog? - Can you...

- Do cats, too? - Can you, for example...
Just don't even bother with the growls.

Could you name ten types of dog for us?

Yes.

- Please. - Go on then. -Now?

Now would be a good time, yeah.

Golden Labrador.

Black Labrador.

You can't go Labrador.

- Lee... - Hang on, I wanna
see if he runs out of colors.

Whippet.

Greyhounds.

- Tara, what are you going for?
- I think he's lying.

I think we'll have to say that's not true.

You're saying it's a lie.

True or lie?

- Lie. - Beautiful.

Yeah, it's not actually true.

Harry can not tell what breed of dog it is

by hearing its growl.

Although some people do
have a similar skill, of course.

Being able to tell what breed the
dog is just by smelling the kebab.

Our next round is called Ring of Truth

and utilizes the groundbreaking notion
of rewarding correct answers with points.

Celebrity facts are what it's all about.

But are they fact or fiction?

Sorry, what do you mean?

Well, you can move clouds if you really want.

- What you do is, you can either fly a plane
over it and drop silver oxide on it... - Yeah.

Or you can sh**t a rocket into the cloud.

You can basically steal other
people's rain if you do that.

- The clouds were not...
- Hang on, is this a dream?

- So you're telling me that it's possible to
move the clouds. - Yeah, I think it's true.

- You have to have a lot of money.
- It might sound like a stupid question.

But why would he move the cloud?

Well, because it's Good Day Sunshine.

It can't be Good Cloudy Day Sunshine.

It's just...The song's called
Good Day Sunshine...

Doesn't mean you have to have the cloud moved.

When he sang Don't Let Me Down,
did he have to tape himself to a lamppost?

It's like at my 21st.

I didn't want clouds and
my dad had them removed.

You what?

My 21st. It was outside, and
we didn't have a marquee.

So we moved the clouds.

Did he really? Did he have enough planes?

Yeah, two planes.

Did you honestly, at your


No, I got more than one.

There was...Oh my God!

The whole sky, just over at our
house at Hampshire, was blue.

- Yeah. - Just to match my dress.

You spoiled b*tch!

That's incredible!

I might just add that that was a lie.

Of course my dad didn't
have clouds removed...

and I never even had a 21st.

Gods, you guys are so gullible.

The Sun slightly shifted to the
right, but not the clouds.

Tara, why did you start
lying to your own team?

Lying is a skill that's useful in this game...

but you find a way of using
it that doesn't help you.

It's called weather modification.

That's what they called it.

What I don't understand about
that is, Paul McCartney

is doing this concert for money, isn't he?

He's doing a musical tour for money.

That's his job.

People are gonna turn up to watch him sing
Good Day Sunshine whatever the weather.

Why is it worth his while

to spend 40,000 dollars
getting rid of the clouds?

He could have asked the crowd,
"Look, I've got 25,000 here.

You can either get rid of the clouds
or it's vodka for everyone!"

It's always sunny when you're pissed.

But, to your answer...

The fact is, you definitely can do it.

The question is, did Paul
McCartney have it done?

No, honestly, they were removed at my 21st.

- I just didn't like it when you say "spoiled
b*tch", so I lied, but, yeah. - You did it, really?

- It was a double bluff, but yeah.
- Oh you did have it removed?

Okay, so we can keep it here.

'Cause I don't want to lose that story.
I'd like to redress my comment.

That's a really good idea.
Well done for being so wealthy!

Did you really have that though?

Yeah, you can do...You don't need
a big old Gulfstream, just a little plane.

To be honest, it's not a thing about being rich.

It has slightly to do with being rich.
You have to get a plane to move a cloud.

I'm saying it doesn't have to be
a Learjet. We live on a farm.

As opposed to these counselors'
state aircraft, you mean?

Do you think some of the problems
of droughts in Africa being caused by

too many people having their 21st
birthday party too close to each other?

So, David, what are you thinking?

I think it's eminently plausible.

Unless my team overrules me...

I'm gonna remain silent and if you're wrong,
I'm gonna really be furious with you.

- So...They're saying it's true. -Okay.

- Lee? - What do you think, Tara?

I think it's true.

It's possible...used my plane.

I think it's absolute rubbish.

I'm gonna go with Tara, because
if she knows about moving weather...

- I'm gonna go with that.
- Do you wanna marry me now?

Can I just say, hand on heart,
without a hint of irony,

you're, without doubt, the
most frightening person I've ever met.

Yeah, but I've always been like this.
My grandparents were brother and sister...

That's more extraordinary than
any fact we've had on the show so far.

Are you saying it's true or untrue?

I'll go with Crazy Lil' and say it's...

- And say it is...? - I'll
say it's absolutely... well true.

Okay, and I can tell you that
it is absolutely true, well done.

Yes, it's true.

Paul McCartney did have clouds removed so he
could perform Good Day Sunshine at a concert.

Later that same concert,
the audience asked to

have his ears removed before
he performed The Frog Chorus.

So, at the end of that round, it's Lee's team who are
the cream of the crop, leading as they do, 3-2.

Our next round goes by the strangely
decimated title of This is My.

Each of Lee's team will claim to have a close
association with our special guest person.

Each of David's team will then
interrogate, cajole, bully

and finally identify the member of
Lee's team who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest person, Dave.

Now, Tara, perhaps you'd like
to explain how you know Dave.

I met Dave in 1990

when I passed out at the top of Mont Blanc.

'Cause the altitude the air was so thin.

And you, very kindly, helped me down

with the party you are guiding down the peak.

So, an heroic mountaineer, thank you.
Lee, what's Dave to you?

This is Dace, hi Dave.

He's my...

He's my old boss who
taught me how to call bingo.

So, a bingo-calling instructor, and
finally, Dave, your relationship with Dave?

This is Dave. He's a mate of mine

from a pub, called him "besty".

He made 40,000 pounds a
year on pub trivia machines.

So there you are, a life-saving
mountaineer according to Tara,

a bingo tutor if you believe Lee,

or a quiz machine whizkid
and friend to Dave.

David's team, your call.

Let me ask about Mont Blanc.

- So were you skiing or were you moun... - No.

I was actually on a photo-sh**ting. It
was at the top, that's where I passed out.

'Cause the altitude was so thin.

- And he helped me down. - Where's Dave from?

- Dave is...He can't speak, you can't ask him...
- No, I'm asking you.

Where's he from?

He's French.

We've taken one of them out.

- Where was he...Where was Dave, or
"Dave" [模仿法语发音]... - No, le [法语冠词}Dave.

Where was le Dave, your boss?

Dave the boss was
working in the Bingo Hall.

I want you to talk Bingo.
I want to give you some numbers.

- Do it, any number you like. - 86.

- What? 86, yes, that's in Bingo. - 86.

- Do a bingo call thing after it. - 86, 86.

- It's not hard, I've got a
system for all of it. - 8.

Oh, you mean the little rhymes they do?

- Yeah. - Okay.

The garden gate, number 8.

- 72. - Look at my shoe, 72.

- 89. - Oh look, the weather's fine.

It used to be cloudy, but luckily we got
Tara's plane to blow the clouds away.

So now it's very fine, 89.

Why is he called "besty"?

He's called "besty" 'cause he lives
off bacon, eggs, sausage and tomato.

He doesn't look like a man who lives
off bacon, eggs, sausage and tomato.

I look like a man who lives off
bacon, eggs, sausage and tomato.

And, even I've been known to have some fruit.

Six years ago.

- Wait, Dave's friend Dave makes


What's his favorite subject?

It's just general knowledge thing.

- You think... - I think so, yeah.

I don't follow him around,
I just happen to know.

I think you're telling...

I know, I know, I know.

She'll get the hang of it.

Does he declare his earnings
to the Revenues and Customs?

If not, what's he doing on television?

I know about gambling from the bingo days,

you don't pay tax from
winning some gambling.

You pay it before you bet.

So for every 10 pence
you put in the machine,

if that was true, which it
isn't, 'cause the bingo's true.

a penny of it would be for tax.

I don't think any of them have met him.

Yeah, he turns out to be Angus's
nephew, is that what you're saying?

- It would be an interesting twist. - It could be...

Angus, give us a little clue.

I can't, really, other than saying it's
either Tara's mountaineering marvel,

Lee's bingo expert, or Dave's trivia king.

I think it's Dave's mate.

I heard about people making
money from fruit machines.

But not quiz machines.

I think the most likely story is Lee's.

- A moment. - You don't seem
to be considering Tara's at all.

We don't absolutely know Tara's wrong.

You don't absolutely know, but I think
the clue is what she said to Dave.

"I think you're telling the truth."

- That could be me just bluffing.
- Not now you said that.

- That could be. - Tara could be playing
this game on a higher level than any of us.

-Whatever you say. - I'm gonna go,
I think it's Lee's bingo calling boss.

Dave, special guest Dave, would you
like to tell us exactly who you are?

I'm Lee's ex-boss and I taught
him how to be a bingo caller.

Hold on you, Dave, can I just ask,
I'm 45, how old are you?

Younger than you.

Are you still maintaining
that he's not telling the truth?

You think that if you interrogate him
enough, he's gonna break down and go

"Oh, I know I can not keep this up".[法国口音）

Many thanks, Dave.

Thanks to Dave Howard,
Lee's bingo calling teacher.

The main skill of a bingo caller is to
keep a smile on your face at all times.

Even as you're overwhelmed by the stench of lavender urine.

So, at the end of that round,
a quick glance at the score tells us

that Lee's team, who has started to flounder
hopelessly, struggling as they are, 5-3.

And so, to Telly Tales.

This week our area of specialist
interest is Tomorrow's World.

The show that predicted the way
all our lives would be in the future.

Although strangely, it didn't foresee
that we would be living our lives

without the television
program Tomorrow's World.

OK, Harry has an intriguing of
information loosely related to this.

The flamboyant Prindeville takes the
cue ball and places it for his opponent.

The world champion of the year 2000.

About...to...pick up the cue ball.

That champion is in fact not yet switched on.

Well, we appear to...Nothing
appears to be happening.

Let me introduce, first of all...Oh, wait a minute.

The opponent's back at it.
He's in it for a big break.

Takes the cue and then
he rigs into the pocket.

A flawless piece of broadcasting,
a cheap robot at snooker ball,

that supports an all on live television.

Who would have thought
anything could possibly go wrong?

But what's Harry's related fact? Harry.

One episode showcased a
toaster connected to the Internet

that burned a weather
forecast into your toast.

It's too much information
for my brain to digest.

The toaster dials up the Internet.

And your toast pops out with
a cloud, sun or raindrop symbol on it.

- It's so ridiculous that... -Now it's symbol on the toast, right.

I'm guessing that sailors
aren't using it, are they?

- Sailors? - There's a big thing,
we've got to get right with the weather.

Otherwise we could all die.

Don't worry, check in on the old world service.

I've got a toaster.

Little sun symbol. Let's get out there.

Never see it again.

It's not a very detailed weather forecast.

It just sounds like an ITV weather forecast.

Sunny!

Not sunny!

Sponsored by PowerGen.

It was voted one of the 80
most important ideas of 2001.

- I think it's really good. Yeah,
definitely. - You think it's true?

Tara, you've got a machine that dries
you when you come out of the shower.

Yeah, I do actually, how do you know that?

The Phillipino boy told him.

- It's air. It's just air. - It's a what?

Just comes inside the whole room and just air you.

- You stand there. - Well, most
people have air in their bathrooms.

- What's wrong with towels? - It's very
unhygienic to dry with towels, apparently.

- Right. - How many people
die of towel-related diseases?

I mean, this is a level of hygiene
that clearly doesn't actually matter.

- Yeah, but let me tell you...
- It's like when they say,

"There are more germs on your chopping
board than are on your loosie."

Well, if that's so, it clearly doesn't matter.

- Because they don't do anything to you.
- I need to say before you sh**t me.

I didn't design my bathroom.

Someone else put the air in.

Okay, we're gonna push you for an answer.

- I'm gonna let Tara make decision. - True.

- True. - But you are team captain, your word is final.

Okay, that's true.

Yeah, 'cause he follows...
I've got him under my spell.

Let's see if they are...

- remotely correct. - It is a...truth.

- Yeah. -It's a truth.

Yes, it's true. Tomorrow's World
did feature a toaster that

burn the weather forecast onto your toast.

And, proof, if proof were needed.

Let's see, what we can expect from the weather.

It's a prototype so I have to help it a little bit.

A bit cloudy that side, but
this is the side that matters.

And, look, tomorrow it is going to be cloudy.

That is sh*t.

That is really sh*t.

I imagined how it would be and I
imagined it about 10 times better than that.

Tell you what, doesn't it look more like,

"Uh-oh, looks like there's gonna
be an atom b*mb dropped on us."

No, I think that's brilliant.
That could become addictive.

Every morning, "Oh, I wonder what it's gonna be.

Don't open the curtains. Let's wait and see!"

- And then it comes out. It makes no fun. - I must...

You said those...It sounds like you
have to struggle to make things fun.

If that's fun. "Oh, I can't wait
until a vague shape on my toast

gives me a sh*t idea of
what the weather might be like."

And then I'll open the curtain,
it'll be different and that will be fun.

So, at the end of that round,

it's David's team who are beginning
to feel the heat, behind as they are, 6-5.

So to our final quick fire round.

In which our plucky contestants

reveal another truth or tell
another lie about themselves.

Depending on what's printed on
the back of their as yet unseen cards.

Lee's team are in the lead.

So David's team need to, quite frankly,
get a grip. Starting now, Harry.

I once pushed a man in a lake
for following me, shouting "Only me."

I really hope this is true.

Which lake, Harry? Were you on tour or was it...

It was a lake in Cambria,
but it wasn't with Windermere.

- So how exactly did you push him?
- He was in my private area.

If you know what I mean, you know.

I just went...I can't use the language I used.

- But I did just get... - Did the man get really wet?

- Yeah, he was in the lake and yelling.
- What was he yelling?

Only me drowning.

Poor bloke could have been
on the phone, couldn't he?

His wife could have been saying,
"Who are you with?""It's only me."

Actually, he probably would
have sold his story

anyway. We would know
about it if he pushed somebody...

- Good point Tara's making,
- Yeah, The man

- I'll tell you that much. - who fell in
the lake would dine out on it, you liar.

Making a decision is probably
the best way of progressing.

- Lie. Yeah. - It's a lie. You're going for lie? Dave?

- Lie. - Okay, I'll go with my
team and say it's an absolute lie.

- Okay, you're saying it's a lie.
Put us out of our misery. - Ah-ha.

- It is a...lie. - It's complete rubbish.

It's a lie. Harry has...

Harry has never pushed a man
in the lake for shouting "Only me."

It's childish, immature and irritating

to repeat Harry's old
catchphrase back at him.

Something which is well-known
to everybody peeps in it.

Next, Dave.

I bunked off school to go to London
with a boy called d*ck Whitington.

How old were you?

I was 16.

- Was he really called d*ck...And did you call him
d*ck? - It was Richard Whitington, obviously,

- We did. - Obviously, that's why
no one would call their child...

If you were Mr. Whitington, would you say,
"I know, I'm gonna call my son Richard."

Some people do it. I know
somebody called James Bond.

And a guy called Jack Russell.

Yeah, but you're a hooray and
they do ridiculous things like that.

What did you do in London? Why did you...

He just said that his uncle knew the Beatles.

They were doing a public appearance
in Carnaby Street, or...I don't know what.

And if we went down, he could get us a ticket,
we get in and we meet the Beatles.

And he'll sign these...

Was he your best friend at school?

Not he wasn't really, at the
chip shop he always smells like chips.

Can I just ask, what was the
name of the Fish and Chip shop?

- Was it called Whitington‘s Fish...
- It's called Chippies Plaice.

You know, p-l-a-i-c-e.

I can't believe that a
man is sitting here saying

that he went with his mate d*ck
Whitington, who owned a chip shop,

to London to see the Beatles.
And your question is

"What was the chippie called?"

You're gonna have to come to some
kind of decision, ask your teammate.

I'm going to abstain.

I will announce in my
official capacity as captain

the decision that Claudia and Harry make.

- Because I've just the nerves to get it...
Anyone, of course...- I think it's true.

- I think it's true. - Actually, I think it's a lie.

- You think it's a lie. - Actually, I think it's true.

"I don't know" is the answer, but it doesn't help you.

- So it's all down to you, Harry. - Okay, let's say lie.

- It's a lie. - They're saying it's a lie.

It's absolutely nonsense.

Yes, there you are, it is complete rubbish.

Dave did not bunk off school to go to
London with a boy called d*ck Whitington.

Luckily, Dave realized in time that streets
in London weren't actually paved with gold,

but with chewing gum and dogsh*t.

Next, Claudia.

- Oh, hello. - Hiya.

I wrote Jim'll Fix It asking to meet ABBA.

They wrote back offering a chance to see
how the blue bits were made in cheese.

Did they explain why they did that?

Yes, they did and I'll tell you for why.

Because somebody was interested
in the blue bits in the cheese.

I'd like to throw in the word
"Stilton" at this point.

And that person had a cold,
and so they had an opening

They had an area of the
factory, somebody could go in.

Or where they make cheese, with the...cows?

Cows, yes.

Cows provide the milk,
they don't manufacture it.

So basically what you're trying
to convince us in the story is that

- you've written off to want to see ABBA. - I did.

- And he said "Would you be interested in doing
the cheese thing instead of the ABBA thing. - Yes.

And you've got back and
said you don't want to do that.

Well, I politely declined.

- Claudia, you're such a bad liar.
I don't believe a word of it. - What?

So you didn't go and you never met ABBA?

I never met ABBA and I
didn't meet the cheese people.

- And you've never got a Jim'll Fix It badge. - No.

Lee, a decision of some sort.

- Tara, what do you think?
- I think Claudia is lying.

What are you basing that on?

I just know Claudia.

- No! - I think that, yes, she probably
wrote and wanted to see ABBA.

- But they wouldn't offer you cheese. - Exactly!

- That's the bit I'm doubting, it's the cheese bit.
Should we go for lie, then? - Yeah, okay, for the lie.

I think Claudia might be lying.

- Okay, Claudia. Truth or lie? - Okay.

I will tell you it is actually...true.

Ah, you're so good.

Yes it's true. Claudia did ask Jim'll
Fix It if she could meet ABBA

but was instead offered a chance to see
how the blue bits were made in cheese.

So Jimmy's quite keen on seeing
how blue moldy bits develop.

That's why he stayed with his
mum so long after she died.

Blue bit in cheese is in
fact a living fungus that

smells slightly off and
serves no useful purpose.

Much like Sir Jimmy himself nowadays.

- That's genius. - So, enough...

Sorry, but that is well out of order.

Enough about Jimmy Savile,
or, to give him his full title,

Sir Jimmy Savile, the creepy old man
who washes his pants in the showers.

Which rude interruption means
at the end of our final round,

it's David's team who have proved
themselves to be superior human beings,

having crushed Lee's team 9-8.

So, light long celebrations for David's team,

the joy of having taken part for Lee's team.

And we leave you with a reminder
that according to a recent survey,

the three most commonly-told lies are:

"The check's in the post."

"Your hair looks just fine."

and "I was only trying to perform
the Heimlich maneuver, officer."

Good night.