01x03 - Jimmy Carr, Eamonn Holmes, Ulrika Jonsson, Dara O'Briain

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on Would I lie to you...

Comfortable sofa man Eamonn Holmes.

King size tall boy Dara Ó Briain.

And part of the furniture, team captain David Mitchell.

And facing them tonight...

She's a fusible Swede, it's Ulrika Jonsson.

He's a lumpy turnip. Jimmy Carr.

And their [?] team captain Lee Mack.

But first.
Please go, if not exactly wild,

then at least slightly feral
for your host Angus Deayton.

Good evening and welcome
to Would I lie to you

the panel game based on lies
and how to spot them.

We all lie,
I know I don't.

In fact on average we tell three lies
every ten minutes of conversation.

Which would explain why Gordon Brown's
last speech went on for almost two hours.

The German philosopher
Nietzsche once said

"Truth is only a mobile army of metaphors,

"metonyms and anthropomorphisms

"consisting of nothing more than
the inventions of fixed conventions."

But I guess you had to be there.

Which brings us a little bit older
but none the wiser

to round one, entitled Home truths.

Each of our guests has a card in front of them
with either a lie or a truth on it.

They have no idea what they'll be faced with
when they turn the card over.

Which may explain the air of panic
and sudden inability to breathe.

Either way the opposing team must then claim

whether or not it's genuine
and if you understand all that

you're already way ahead of the panellists.

Speaking of which.
Ulrika, your home truth if you would.

- That's me.
- Well done.

I hosted the British Sausage awards.

- I won.
- That sounds very you already.

Where were they held?

At BAFTA.

At BAFTA headquarters.

Strange place for a sausage awards.

Does the sausage and film industry
have a long relationship?

"We provide sausages for lunch
at all British films."

How many categories were there
at the British Sausage awards?

Nicest, longest, fattest, tastiest...

This is saving me £1.50 a minute.

Do you remember any nominated sausages?

No. It's all a bit of a blur actually.

So this is a while ago?

Not a gig we could get you to do now?

Has your fee risen? Are you out of
the British sausage producers range?

I was paid very handsomely.

- How much, just out of interest?
- I was paid about, I don't know...

- Thirty grand.
- Stop it.

Farming is in crisis.

They're throwing away
thirty thousand pounds on

patting each other on the back
as well as hiring BAFTA?

That sounds like a sick party.

No one was saying that
they shouldn't have awards.

Let the poor sausage makers
have a night out.

But Jesus wept.
Thirty grand for a host?

That's a bit extravagant.

David, you have to make a decision.

I think Ulrika would have been embarrassed,
doing the sausage awards.

I think thirty grand takes away
a lot of embarrassment.

- So we think it's true?
- I think it's true.

Instinctively I think it's a lie.

- You're gonna override...
- I'm gonna go with Eamonn.

They're saying it's a lie.
What is the truth, Ulrika?

It's the truth.

It's true, Ulrika did host the
British Sausage awards.

As host of the awards you are entitled to
as many sausages as you can eat.

Which damn near bankrupted
the sausage community

the year Vanessa Feltz
presented them.

Sausages are formed from fat, blood,

nostril, an*s and offal.

Coincidentally also
the original names for the Spice Girls.

When I was 23
I had to talk my way

out of a fight
with a paper boy.

What was the fight about?

I was sitting by the side of the
road with a couple of friends.

And we were
chuckling about something.

And he thought
we were laughing at him.

- But you're a man and he's what, eight?
- No, I'd say mid-late teens.

- How old were you?
- I was 23.

You were 23. Mid to late teens.
There's three of you and one of him.

Yup.

Of the three of us,
one was a girl.

One was me.

What happened?
How did you talk your way out of a fight?

He came towards us.

He dropped the bag
with the papers in.

Thud.

He said...
He was coming up like this, going...

- Like what, sorry?
- Like this.

When was this, 1872?

Did he go like this?

He went like this
because, yes, he was an otter.

I think he said...
It was either

What's your problem or
have you got a problem.

It involved the word problem,
but not in a kind of...

He wasn't really a problem solver.

He wasn't looking for you to go
"my first is in crane, but not in canoe."

I had a strong impression that that would
have increased my chances of getting hit.

What were your friends called?

- Tom and Emma.
- Sounds like it was really gonna kick off.

Bless you. But when you're
not telling the truth you become like a little

school boy and smiley
and very hesitant and

suddenly ooh you're just...

I wanna take you home
and put you on a shelf.

The second half of that
is worse than the first.

Are you thinking this is the truth
or are you agreeing with Ulrika?

- He's lying!
- He wouldn't lie about a thing like this.

Go with me, come on.

It's a tricky one.
Who do you listen to?

I'm gonna go with Ulrika
and say that I think it's a lie.

- David, a quick reveal.
- It is in fact...

True.

He's very good at lying.

- I don't wanna take you home any more.
- He's so sweet, isn't he, when he tells the truth.

Jimmy, your turn to astonish us.

I starred in
a Japanese commercial for snuff.

Is snuff a big thing in Japan?

Because it's slightly peaked in the West, I think.

- Its level of popularity.
- They're making commercials for it still.

So I'm guessing bigger.
But no idea.

- What was the slogan?
- No idea, I just read autocue phonetically.

I could have declared w*r for all I know.

But I imagine I said something like

"You can have too much of a good thing",
I think was the slogan.

Because it was a guy doing a line of snuff.

Like a massive line of snuff.
And then his face, he did it for real

His face kind of, ludicrously...

So their slogan for selling snuff

involved saying "don't have that much of it"?

- Literally, yeah.
- It's advertising whisky with someone dying of alcoholism.

And then saying "a little bit is tasty but it k*lled this guy".

- Why did they choose you?
- Because I got my TV show

the Distraction show that I did on Channel 4,
and the American one, goes out in Japan.

And it's quite big because it's like Endurance
but it's with westerners being hurt...

- He looks almost Japanese.
- I look almost Japanese?

That is the acceptable face of racism.

So you're still in two minds,
or three or four?

- He was very convincing.
- Unless the production crew are mental, we'll be seeing it in about a minute.

He's threatening a clip.

- Is there any truth in this?
- I think it's a lie.

- I think it's a lie.
- That bit makes me think it's a lie.

The clip was too far.

You're veering towards untruth?

- Lie.
- The truth, Jimmy.

I can tell you it's a lie.

A good lie. Good one.

The next round is called The Ring of Truth.

I'll be reading out a top celebrity fact
and the panellists, in turn,

will dissect, discuss and finally deduce
whether or not that fact has about it the Ring of truth

or the stench of deceit.
Your teaser.

...

...

An ice cream that tastes solely of bile and remorse.
I can't see that.

Not so, it sold out in two weeks.
Very popular.

When you open the tin, was the surface of
it really taut in an unnatural kind of way?

You couldn't possibly break into the ice cream beneath.

She's doing that wink thing.
That always unnerves me.

She does it at the end of The Weakest Link,
to sort of say

"It's all a joke, I'm not really evil."

But that's the bit that scares the crap out of me.

The thing is that wink is the only thing...
She used to do that on Points of View as well.

She's trying to say that she's being consistent.

In Points of View she didn't read out the people's
letters and then just say, you know, "f-bleep off".

But she does to the answers of the nice people
on The Weakest Link who are trying to win a quiz.

Do you think when you open the ice cream it has written in the top
"Use a proper spoon, dickhead!"?

There are precedents.

They made Desperate Housewives editions
called Cherry Hatcher.

- What was the Anne Robinson one called?
- Ginger Ice Queen.

- Ginger ice cream's really nice.
- Yeah, it's gonna taste of ginger.

Not of that b*tch.

Ginger is a recognised pleasant flavour.

She's a recognised arsehole.

That's totally different.

It's just that people who like ginger enough
to be able to stomach the sight of her face

I can believe that those people exist.

That's suddenly become a lot more plausible.

Suddenly you're saying that ice cream the flavour of a woman

who's undergone loads of surgery,
is obsessed with money

and for some reason considers herself witty?
No no no.

Ginger ice cream with a picture of that b*tch? Yes.

Next week, when Anne Robinson is our guest,
she'll be on Lee's team.

Poor Anne. I like Anne.
We went for a meal with Anne Robinson, do you remember?

It was a BBC meal
and she came up to me and she went

"Are you a scheduler?!"
I thought I'd go with it so I said "Yeah, I am".

"Well why have you rescheduled my show?!"

I hadn't thought I was gonna
get along with it cause she actually thinks

I'm scheduling shows so I said "Cause it's not very good".

"- What do you mean it's no good?
- It needs to be on later because it's absolutely rubbish, Anne."

- Is that how she really talks?
- She talks like...

She was going
"Can I have more wine? It's not real.".

"I'm a pretend evil witch."

- What are we thinking?
- I think it's true.

- You think it's true, Jimmy. Ulrika?
- Yeah.

- We'll go with true.
- They're saying it's true.

- David, your verdict?
- It all boils down to this. Would you nibble her or not?

Well I certainly wouldn't as I think I've made clear.

Neither metaphorically nor in real li...

I'm gonna be sick.

- I don't think it's true.
- I don't think it's true.

Okay, we're gonna say it's a lie.

And you'd be absolutely right,
it is a lie.

Ben and Jerry did not manufacture
an Anne Robinson flavoured ice cream.

All though the plan had been
to freeze the ingredients

by holding them next to Anne Robinson's heart.

At the end of that round
a quick look at the scores show

that it's Lee's team who have it all to do,

given that David's team are 5-4 in the lead.

Telly tales is the frankly slightly twee[?] title of our next round.

Some classic TV footage for us all to endure

after which Lee's team will
give us an additional related fact.

This week our subject matter is the pioneering

children's infotainment series Blue Peter.

Since it first hit our screens in 1958, Blue Peter has

inspired thousands of kids to watch the other side.

Let's remind ourselves of some of its wilder moments.

That's that then.
That's tossing it.

Unfortunately the goat that you saw in that excerpt has died.

Ulrika, what is your related fact?

Petra, the first Blue Peter dog, died the day after her first show.

So producers secretly replaced her with a lookalike.

- Do we think this is true, David?
- I think if Petra

had died after the first show,
that's exactly what they would have done.

When you've got a show and you're hoping it's gonna run for 50 years

like we're hoping with this show...

They must have made a point of introducing...
"This is a new sort of television we're doing

"where the programme has pets.

"And the children who haven't got pets
can maybe think it's their pet."

They couldn't possibly say to those children, on episode two,

"It died.

"We left it in the car, in the car park

"and we didn't leave a crack."

- We would probably have heard.
- I think you'd know that.

- I think it's true.
- It's a good idea anyway.

- They're saying it's true.
- No! Are we saying it's true?

We're not saying it's true, are we?

Well you're on your own on this,
you've screwed up before.

- Okay, they're going for that.
- David, are you saying it's true?

- We're saying it's true.
- They're saying it's true. Ulrika, reveal all.

Oh, please.
It's true.

It is true. Petra was secretly
replace by a lookalike after her death.

Some people say that if you watched Blue Peter at the
time you could see clues that Petra had been replaced.

Like the rotting dog in the corner of the studio.

Jimmy's fascinating fact is next

but first a masterclass from Simon Groom on how to present live TV.

The thing about the tantalum is that,
as I said, it's very light

and very strong and ideal for these darts.

Now where am I... I'm talking...

Sorry.

Darts.

Absolutely completely lost.
Right, okay, let's start about darts again.

They're also thinner, now the thing is...
Goldie, will you go away.

I think I'd better start talking about the dart board because I'm absolutely lost.

- Let's start about the dart board.
- Look you wrote it all down. Here, have a look.

There's so much to remember
but it's terribly crucial.

Alright,
well let's start again.

I liked it when the woman came in and went "It's terribly crucial".

Literally there's never been anything less important than this, in your life.

I feel his pain.
I did kids' TV for years as as a kids' TV announcer.

And your co-presenters hate you.
Like what she did there.

Oh man, kids' TV presenters are always doing that.

You watch CBBC now you see them all being friendly and palsy
and "ooh we're having a great time".

"We're making stuff and doing stuff",
but they will at any stage

wish to pick up the safety scissors
and stab the other person and go

"How did you get Top of the Pops, you b*tch?"

- It's a vicious thing.
- Jimmy, what's your intriguing piece of information?

My fact on this is Simon Groom
and Peter Duncan once had a fight

in the Blue Peter garden
after a row over a BBC parking space.

Why did they choose the Blue Peter garden?

- They were in the garden filming a bit and they had a fight.
- They were filming a bit?

- The parking had presumably happened earlier?
- Yep.

They're filming... how did the parking anger reassert itself?

- They were fighting over parking spaces.
- It's alright, I've got this, Angus. Leave it.

- It's quite rare, it's not like...
- I can handle this.

This is what I don't understand they're
in an argument about the parking spaces

they're filming the piece in the garden.
Why does the fight start there?

- Imagine you're having a disagreement with someone.
- I've never disagreed with anyone, but okay.

Well you're disagreeing with me right now.

- This is what it's like.
- No it's just, you know...

We both mean the same thing.

It's just you don't realise it yet.

I think in fairness to them it says it's about a parking space
but clearly they didn't get on with each other.

The rumours were that
Simon was slightly jealous of Peter.

Maybe they actually really did get on.
Deep down there was a lot of love there.

A lot of love and complicated feelings
and tears and hate and they start fighting.

Just to touch!
To touch another human

and then the fighting start getting
a bit amorous and then they're kissing.

Fighting and
scratching their clothes off each other.

And then they fall in the pond and it's all fine and there's no sex.

- You know what co-presenters are like, don't you Eamonn?
- That would never have happened at GMTV,

we didn't have a garden to f-bleep-ing fight in.

Did you say to to f-bleep and fight
or to f-bleep-ing fight?

- David, what's your answer?
- Do you think it's true?

Knowing presenters, I think it's very true.

- I think it's enough.
- I think it's a lie, we're going lie.

You're going for lie.
Okay, Jimmy.

- Truth or lie?
- I can tell you that it is...

A lie.

Jimmy was in fact lying.

Simon Groom and Peter Duncan did not have a fight over a parking space.

The BBC parking spaces were awarded strictly on the basis of merit.

So neither of them had one.

At the end of that round it's Lee's team who are having to

take a long hard look at themselves,
trailing as they are 8-4.

Our next round goes by the nonsensical title of This is my.

Each of David's team will claim to have a genuine connection with

tonight's special guest person who we're about to introduce you to.

It's up to Lee's team to identify the real McCoy.

Please welcome this week's special guest person, Alan.

Dara, perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Alan?

Alan is a mate of mine.
I was best man at Alan's wedding.

Which was a number of years ago.
And at his wedding, Alan,

although you'd be hard pressed to believe it now,
weighed 27 stone.

Okay David, what's Alan to you?

This is my driving instructor Alan.

I've had over 70 driving lessons and

I still haven't passed.

And finally Eamonn, what's your relationship with Alan?

Well, this is my friend Alan.

And he is the Manchester United stadium announcer.

So, a former fatso according to Dara.

A long suffering driving instructor if you believe David.

Or Eamonn's voice of Manchester United.

How heavy was he?





At the moment he's about 13. 13-14.

- What's Alan's surname?
- Kerr.

I love the way you said that. Kerr.

You don't actually say that.
You just open your mouth hope that some noise comes out.

Hang on. You didn't say that "you just open your mouth and noise comes out"?

That's how you say things, Lee.

I'm not sure how you communicate.
"What's his name?"

Now according to David he's a driving instructor, of course.

Right, so how many times have you failed?

- Four times.
- You've had 70 lessons?

At what stage did you work out he's incentivised for you not to pass?

Is he telling you things like "Look at the pedals at all times"?

"Manoeuvre, mirror, signal"

To be fair, I blame myself for failing.

He didn't tell me the things I failed for were okay to do.

So he's become a friend over the... years, I suppose?

I wouldn't say we're massively close.

I don't know whether
we'll stay in touch.

But then again
we may never lose touch.

I'm interested in Eamonn's announcement story.

- He's a friend is he, Eamonn?
- I've known Alan for over 20 years.

I first met Alan at
BBC Manchester

where he works as a presenter.

And he also works as the announcer at Old Trafford.

What's the stadium called again?

- Seriously, Jimmy.
- You really are one of the lads.

I know it's Old Trafford
but haven't they got some bullshit name for it?

- Theatre of Dreams.
- That's it, that's the funny one.

It might as well be The Ballet of the Imagination.

It's such a bullshit name for a stadium.

The Theatre of Dreams. What dreams?
I dreamed I kicked a ball.

Well, I'm gonna have to push you for an answer.

I think the driving thing sounds plausible to me.


No offence but I can believe that.

- I think it's driving instructor.
- Do you?

All though Dara's looking pretty pleased with himself there on the end.

- He's looking quite chuffed.
- He's just happy to be out.

- What do you think, Ulrika?
- I'd go with Eamonn.

- So what are you saying, Lee?
- Shall we go with David? We'll say David.

Alan, perhaps you'd like to tell us who you really are?

I'm Eamonn's friend.
I'm the stadium announcer at The Theatre of Dreams, Old Trafford.

He is indeed Eamonn's friend, the voice of Old Trafford.
Congratulations to Alan.

Alan has several duties at the club.
He announces the teams, the scorers names

and how many lap dances the players have [?] the night before.

And so to our final quick fire round.
More lie detecting without the aid of ethanol,

but this time against the clock.
Starting now.

I once saw Carol Vorderman broken down at the side of the road

but I didn't stop to help her as i was running a bit late.

How do you mean broken down?
In a car or she was having a breakdown?

- It's a car.
- Where was this, Eamonn?

- A3, at a lay-by.
- Does she know that you ignored her?

She didn't know at the time and I really felt bad about it because

it was a flat tyre, it was smoking at the back and... it was a lot of smoke.

Tell you what she should do.
She should consolidate her debts into one easy monthly payment.

And then take out a loan and buy a better car.
That's what she should do.

What were you late for?

I just had to get home.
Sleep's very important in my life, you know.

- What time was it?
- It was 10 o'clock at night, but it was a summer's night.

- And you left a woman on her own on the side of the...
- But it was a bright night.

"It was a bright night"?
Where were you, in Norway?

It was, it was a summer's night.

- What are you thinking?
- I think he's telling a bloody great big lie.

- I think it's definitely a lie, isn't it?
- I think the team thinks it's a lie so we'll go with lie.

They're saying it's a lie.
Tell us.

It's a lie.

Yes. Carol is of course considered the thinking man's crumpet.

Presumably by any man who's thinking
"I wouldn't mind shagging some mutton dressed as lamb tonight".

She's not here, she'll never be invited on so it doesn't matter.

I lost my virginity at 26.

- True.
- We concur. He has to.

- True true.
- Is it true?

No no, seriously.

For the sake of decency.
Tell us all about it.

I was very religious growing up.
Very religious until I was about 26.

- And then...
- And then I was all about the poontang.

- David, do you believe it?
- Yeah, I'm buying it.

That's what he said, actually.

- Jimmy, could you reveal the truth, please?
- I can indeed.

No shame in that.

Yes it's true.
Jimmy did lose his virginity at the age of 26.

Also coincidentally it was
the day that he discovered

he could make people laugh.

I have received a text message from Bono.

Of course you have, you're Irish.

And there are seven of us.

- About that.
- One big house and we

dance in a circle around it together.

What was the point of the text?
Did it say "Beautiful Day is out Monday"?

No, it wasn't a group text.
It was a specific thing because I did a

gig for a charity they have over there
and it said thanks for the gig.

- Are you text pals now?
- I sent a reply

but it didn't
bloom into a full-scale relationship.

- What did you say?
- No problem... D.

- Have you kept it?
- No because that's a couple of phones ago now.

It's sitting in a Nokia somewhere in a drawer at home.

Frankly I don't need it that much, socially.

Conversation doesn't die off in my house where I go...

"Has anyone got a charger from the early millennia that I could use?

"I've got a thing I wanna show you."

What are you veering towards?

I think it is... true.

- It's true.
- Okay, we'll say that's true.

Okay, fact or fabrication?

You're going for true?
If it just kills this ridiculous notion

that just because I'm Irish
I know all other Irish people.

It's a fricken lie.

I have seven cats and they're called

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Pickle.

- Sorry, what was the last one?
- Pickle.

- Why didn't you call him Sunday?
- Because, as the audience will say to you,

it sounds better when you say "hello little p*ssy pickle".
Doesn't it?

Are you saying that Sunday
would be an absurd name to call a cat?

You're not a cat person. Ah-ah.

And also it sounds like you have dementia or something.

"Monday! Tuesday! Wednesday!"

"It's Monday, Eamonn! Innit?!"

"Where's me slippers? Pickle p*ssy!"

Come on.
We're not idiots, Eamonn.

Could you describe Tuesday to me, and don't

say it was a lovely walk in the park.

Tuesday's a particularly ginger little tomcat.

Tell us about Thursday.

Thursday's grey and sort of white chest.

- What colour's Wednesday?
- Wednesday's sort of

well you won't believe this but sort of a green olive looking colour.

A green cat now!

Well of course it's true.
You've got a green cat.

- What colour is Tuesday's cat, again?
- Tuesday's cat is a sort of gingery colour.

Oh, but good idea.

He's remembered that line I'm willing to go for it.

- Jimmy thinks it's true. Ulrika?
- I'm kind of inclined.

Are you two mental?

- Are you actually mental people?
- He's just so lovable.

He's got a green cat!
What bit of that is true?

It's an absolute load of codswallop, Eamonn.

Lee is saying it's not true.
So is he lying or is he not?

It's a lie.

You were very good.

It's a lie.
Eamonn does not have seven cats

called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Pickle.

The only spoiled pampered creature Eamonn spends any time with is Anthea Turner.

And after a while you wouldn't let her on the sofa either.

Coincidentally pickle the cat is what

Korean chefs do if customers order a starter.

Which irritating noise means at the end of our final round

it's David's who are tonight's superheroes,

triumphing over Lee's team 13-6.

So, many congratulations to our winners.
Slightly fewer to our losers.

Join us next week for more issues with the truth.

And remember that liars will often
touch their nose, mouth or ears when telling a lie.

As when Sharon Osbourne says "all these are completely natural".
Good night.