[ominous music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[insects chirping]
[car engine whirring]
[ominous music]
[insects chirping]
[lock clicking]
[water trickling]
Hmm.
[keys jingling]
[chuckles]
Weird. [Scoffs]
[chuckles]
What the...?
[ominous music]
[chuckles]
Is it blood? Ugh!
"Dear Mr. Scrooge,
what will Franny Lang do
with all those brains,
and so many things left unsaid
when come Christmas Eve
she has no head."
What the f*ck?
Ugh, God!
[tap water running]
Ugh!
[door lock clicks]
[door closes]
[sighs]
Ugh!
[chuckles] Ew.
Hmm.
[phone buzzing]
[Tabby's voicemail] Hey,
it's Tabby. Leave a message.
Tabby, it's Franny.
Sorry I've been a total flake.
Like, work is beyond.
But, hey, I just got
this weird gift tonight.
It's like memorabilia
from Drake U.
You know, uh, like one
of Glen's papers
and, like, other weird sh*t.
Oh, maybe Chandler's
f*cking with me, you know,
'cause I told her I wasn't
gonna go to her stupid party.
[chuckles]
Anyway
are you going to that?
I mean, well...
And has any weird sh*t happened
to you this week, or...?
Well, look, just,
just call me back, okay?
[fire crackling]
[sighs]
Oh! [Chuckles]
Hi, guys.
[water trickling]
[humming]
Hello! [Chuckles]
Well, guys, eat up, because
you're gonna get real hungry
when I'm in Palm Springs.
[eerie music]
[screaming]
[Franny breathing raggedly]
[ominous music]
[panting]
Yes, 1128 Lake Circle Drive.
Please hurry.
[music continues]
[suspenseful music]
[door slides]
[music continues]
[door closes]
[lock clicks]
[sighs]
[eerie music]
[Franny screaming]
[Franny choking]
[thuds]
[exhales]
[flesh squishing]
[blood splattering]
[eerie music]
[upbeat song]
There we go. There we go.
Okay, yes, yes.
Okay, both of you lean. Yes!
I love the leg up. Okay!
I'm loving this right now.
We have not one, not two,
but three sexy Santas.
Okay, ooh, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.
Okay, really use both of them.
Use both of them.
Yes!
[chuckles] Okay, okay,
who's been naughty?
Me, I've been a naughty girl.
[laughing]
[clicks]
- I think we got it.
- Great, thanks, guys.
All right.
- You wanna come look?
- Yes! Let's see what we got.
[gasps]
Oh, my God, Tabbs.
These are so amazing.
I'm gonna have so much footage
for the entire holiday season.
My agent and my followers
are gonna love these.
Oh, good, good.
I'm so happy, seriously
it was my pleasure.
Okay, so you have to
let me pay you.
No, no, no, absolutely not.
Everything that
you've done for us,
getting him signed with
your agent and everything,
seriously, it-it's
the least I could do.
Paying dues for
your boyfriend...
Aww, what a kind
and gentle giver you are.
Look, seriously, just please
don't allow yourself
to get taken
by the takers, okay?
You have to save some love
for yourself, girl.
[chuckling]
[song continues]
- Seriously, you look gorgeous.
- Thank you.
Holiday happy hour
over the hill.
Calling all sexy Santas.
- You in?
- I am in.
[chuckles]
[inhales]
Oh, gosh, he's not
the brightest tool in the shed,
but he is the gift
that keeps on giving.
- Uh-huh.
- Girl, Merry Christmas
to you and to me.
[both laugh]
- You have fun, okay?
- I will.
- Bye.
- Bye, I love you, girl.
[laughs]
Uh, hey, excuse me, what was it?
- Uh, Tabby?
- Yeah.
You got a great eye
and great eyes.
[chuckles] Has anyone
ever told you that?
Hmm... actually, only
my boyfriend has, but
you haven't even seen
the pictures yet,
um, m-mister...?
Uh, Jonathan Rose, but
you can just call me Jonny.
Oh, okay, Mr. Rose.
[Jonny] Maybe I could
take you for a drink
and you could
show me the photos.
Hmm, or maybe you could just
take a look at them right here,
because I do have them all
right here, and I personally
am a big fan of transparency.
Hmm. [Smacks lips]
You know what?
I might take it back.
It's amateur hour,
if I'm being honest.
[laughs]
Hmm. [Chuckles]
- Who's being naughty now?
- Hmm.
[Franny's voicemail] Look, maybe
Chandler's f*cking with me
'cause I told her I wasn't
gonna go to her stupid party.
Anyway, are you going?
Or did any freaky sh*t
happen to you this week at all?
Just call me back, okay?
Shine, shine!
[Franny's voicemail] Hi,
you've reached Franny Lang.
I can't get to the phone
right now, but leave a message
and I'll call you back.
Uh, so did she say what
was inside the gift?
No, she just said
that it was weird.
Is she going to the reunion
thing your friends are having?
Hmm, I guess not.
I don't know, maybe
I won't go either.
What? Why not?
I thought you were looking
forward to seeing old friends.
No, I mean, honestly, I just
I wasn't really
expecting Chandler
to actually like go through
with the whole dumb
reunion thing.
We haven't seen each other
since graduation.
Then shouldn't it be fun?
Yeah, I suppose it would be
about as fun for me
as Christmas is for you.
Uff, whoa, okay.
I mean, that's not really fair.
I mean, my mom died giving birth
to me before the Holidays
and yours is like
a fun college reunion party.
I mean, can you really
compare the two?
I'm sorry. It's just...
[sighs] Yeah, the end of college
was just, it was rough.
So I've been just
kinda scared to go back.
- So I'll go with you then.
- No, you, you won't have fun.
Sure I will.
Plus you're always there for me,
so let me be there for you.
We'll go and face
your fears together.
- [Jonny] It'll be an adventure.
- Okay, fine.
And if it sucks,
we can leave. No regrets.
Okay. No regrets.
And if it is fun,
we get Scrooged.
Did you really just say that?
[both laugh]
[upbeat music]
[door closes]
Hey, pulled the car around.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
I almost forgot
my Secret Scrooge gift
for the gift exchange.
Ooh. What's in there?
- Bah humbug.
- Uhh...
Oh, my gosh.
You really are a bah humbug.
He had it right.
Christmas sucks.
[smacks lips] Ooh, but I do
love chocolate covered cherries.
Okay, well, that is
actually part of the gift,
which you cannot have
because everyone loves them,
so people are gonna
be k*lling each other
over who gets to
have them first.
A holiday bloodbath.
Now that I can get into.
- Oh, my gosh.
- [laughs]
[lively song]
I've got a feeling
all December long
There's gonna
be a party goin' on
Let me hear
you say Christmas
[man vocalizing]
Let me hear
you say Christmas
[Jonny] Wow! This is incredible.
[Tabby] Yeah,
this house was built
at the turn of the 20th century.
It's been in
her family for years.
[car doors open]
[car doors close]
[crows cawing]
Babe, you okay?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
- You don't look fine.
There's just something I kinda
wanted to talk to you about.
There's something that
happened back in college
with my-my boyfriend.
Whoa! [Chuckles]
Is your ex-boyfriend
gonna be here?
Um, no.
- [door closes]
- No, but it's just like I'll...
[grim music]
- Tabitha Banks?
- Tabby.
You can call me Tabby.
- And you are?
- Jonny. I'm Tabby's boyfriend.
We weren't expecting you.
Do I know you from somewhere?
- Tabby, you came!
- [door closes]
- Chandler! [Laughing]
- Wow.
You have now changed to the
perfect picture of innocence.
Oh, and you look amazing,
as always.
I know. Can you believe I don't
use any Botox or fillers?
Would you believe I sleep
in a deep freezer at night?
Very therapeutic.
Mm-hmm.
Who is this handsome devil?
- Oh, this is my boyfriend.
- Jonny. It's nice to meet you.
Tabby finally has
a boyfriend again. Wow!
Nice to meet you.
Well, thanks for hosting us.
This place is really cool.
Yeah, only Tabby didn't let me
know she was bringing anyone.
Sorry, I probably
should have told you
ahead of time
that he was gonna be coming.
[laughs] Guys, I'm totally
kidding. The more the merrier.
No, the Crisp Family Chateau
is your family chateau.
Oh, all right. I see
you already met Marty.
He's our on-site house manager.
He can get you
anything you need.
Marty, I think their bags
are in the car.
Yes, and, uh, please
make your way inside.
The wind is picking up.
We're expecting a bit
of a ground blizzard.
Ground blizzard?
What-what's that?
It's when a harsh, cold wind
picks up all the snow
and blankets the ground
with black ice.
Reminds me of when
my mom comes to town.
[chuckles]
Come on.
Oh, uh, I'm gonna grab
our bags, okay?
Yeah. Okay,
I'll meet you inside.
Wait, wait, wait. It's cold.
Tabbs, do you remember when we
met as froshes at Gamma House?
Oh, my gosh, I do.
How could I forget?
I think you said you wanted
to give me a makeover
because I was, um, uh,
too much like a-a-a freshman,
virgin freshman flower.
[laughs]
Yeah, I-I... you did.
And you still do, somehow.
And what I actually
said is you look too much
like a fragile flower to f*ck,
but you're way
f*ck now. Really.
Oh, well, I'm-I'm
so glad to hear it.
[Chandler chuckles]
Uh, Marty, bring their things
to the oak suite.
- Here, babe, I can take that.
- Yeah. Uh...
Wow, is she always this brash?
Oh, you should have heard her
when we were in
a sorority together.
Thank goodness that's over.
Okay, you two, come with me.
[chuckles]
[grim music]
Please ignore
all of the curtains.
My grandmother put them up
when they wanted to
renovate the place,
but then they only made it
as far as remodeling
the front foyer,
so now here we are.
And these are the back stairs.
You can get directly to
your guest quarters from them,
and there are a lot
of hidden passageways
all over the chateau.
I don't advise you try
to get through them.
You could get lost,
never to be found.
[snickers]
Hey, look who's here.
[soft piano music]
- Tabby, you came!
- [laughs]
Oh, I can't believe you're here.
You back home after
all this time,
it's like a dream coming true.
Gosh, Kelsey, it's so good
to see you, oh, my gosh.
And Tucker, oh, my gosh.
- You sexy beast.
- Come here.
Oh, LA's very becoming
of you, too, beautiful.
Hey, remember when
you promised me a baby
when Chandler's eggs went bad?
Well, news flash,
they've always been rotten.
[laughs] So I'll take
you up on that offer.
Okay.
If you're not gonna
give me an orgasm,
I'm not gonna give you a baby.
Oh. [Chuckles]
How are you?
How's your heart?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You're not gonna do this
whole deep dive shrink session
until after dinner.
It's been a long drive.
Okay.
Tabby, who did you
bring with you?
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry,
I'm so rude.
This is Jonny, my boyfriend.
Jonny, this is Tucker,
and this is Kelsey.
Jonny, it's nice to meet you.
I can't believe I haven't
heard anything about you.
I would have come to LA
to meet you in person
if only I'd been asked.
I am so sorry, I know, it's,
it's the last two years
are just a whirlwind. Um...
You know, just since starting
my studio and everything.
It's fine. Just miss my bestie.
And plus, we're
still pretty new.
Yeah, uh, very clich.
I'm an actor, and we actually
met doing headshots
a couple months ago.
Now here we are, spending
the holidays in bliss.
[music continues]
And that's exactly why we are
getting the old Drake Crew
back together, to get caught up.
All right, who wants
some champagne?
I will take some champagne.
[Chandler] Hmm, guys,
this is Roma.
She's not only
a very talented chef,
mixologist, but a professional
in heavy pours.
Someone has to put you down
at night. Cheers. [Chuckles]
Yeah! Cheers. To old friends.
- [glasses clinking]
- And old flames?
[Chandler] Funny.
You never called me
your girlfriend
when we were in school,
and look at that.
He brought his fat bat.
Take it everywhere with me.
Just in case someone
wants to play ball with me
and Jack Frost in the snow.
[music continues]
- Tabbs.
- Hi.
- How're you doing?
- I'm good, Julian.
- Good to see you.
- Yeah.
Hey, Julian Cortez?
You pitched for the Gators?
Yeah, back in the day.
You didn't tell me you went
to school with someone famous.
- So, where's study buddy Franny?
- [Chandler] She flaked.
She said she had a family thing,
which is BS.
We know that family
doesn't celebrate. [Scoffs]
Tabby, do you still talk to her?
Yeah, sometimes. Um...
She actually called me
a little bit earlier this week,
- but I missed her.
- Hmm, well, boo on her.
At least you came.
Hey, I came all
the way from Orlando.
- Can I get a little love?
- Oh, you're so cute.
[laughs]
Yes, thank you all for coming.
I know that that was
a big trek for everyone,
with the exception
of Kelsey, but I figured
we were all gonna be
home for the holidays
so that Grandma Chateau
might be the perfect place
to celebrate our ten-year.
And you're right. Perfect place
to die a horrible death.
Actually, people have died here.
- Wait, what?
- [Chandler] Oh, you didn't know?
My grandmother k*lled my
grandfather in this exact room
six years ago to the day.
Hung him from a tight noose.
- Still so full of sh*t.
- No, no, no.
I actually remember my grandma
telling me about this.
Your grandma,
she was manic, right?
Yes, total manic.
And my grandfather
was a narcissist, so...
Hmm, apple doesn't fall
far from the tree.
[Kelsey] Seriously?
Your grandma m*rder*d your
grandfather in this house?
No. But she really wanted to.
[Kelsey] That's not funny.
If you're gonna pull
your stupid old pranks,
I'm gonna leave right now.
Kelsey, come on.
That was college.
I run one of
the most successful med spas
that Chicago has to offer.
Trust me when I
say I don't have time
to pull petty
little pranks anymore.
Cue trap door opening, sucking
us into eternal holiday hell.
Hmm. I like this one.
Now then, if people
wanna finish their champs
and get settled in,
we are going to
start with tea time.
That's T for tequila
here in the tea room.
And then, uh, that's at 6:00.
And then at 7:00,
we are going to have
a Secret Scrooge gift
exchange in the den.
And then dinner in the formal
dining room at 8 p.m. sharp.
Questions? Comments?
Congratulations?
All right. I'm gonna go
get ready. Let you to it.
If anyone needs help
finding their room,
Roma can show you to it.
Wow! You still smell the same.
- You gonna show me my room?
- Oh, that's easy.
It's at the top of the stairs,
the smallest room to the right.
Farthest from mine.
[music continues]
Is it too late to leave?
Trust me, I've been
trying to escape this place
for a while now,
but it'll be too dangerous
to get on the roads now
or anytime tonight.
It'll all be black ice.
Oh, no. Honestly, I think
he was just kidding.
Jonny's just not really
a big fan of anything
that's like fun or Christmas.
You call what we're having fun?
If you ask me, do what I do.
Simply sit back and enjoy
the horror show.
[hammering]
[wind whistling]
[Jonny] You think it's all right
I didn't bring a gift.
I'm not much on
gifts or holiday spirit.
Well, then you definitely
should have brought a gift.
Actually, that's why we even
came up with the whole.
Secret Scrooge exchange,
'cause the gifts are supposed
to be very un-merry.
Seems like
the theme around here.
But, uh, hey, uh,
I did bring you a gift.
Did you now? No, Jonny, come on.
We have to get ready.
Oh, I came all this way for you.
Don't I get something in return?
Mmm...
[chuckles]
[both laugh]
[tea bubbling]
[wind whistling]
[eerie music]
Marty?
Is that you?
[door closes]
Marty, are you down here?
[music intensifies]
[gasps]
[chokes]
[pleasant music]
Martini? I make 'em
mean and dirty.
- I'm good, but thank you.
- Got tequila shots if you like.
Mm. [Chuckles]
So how's San Fran?
How's practice?
Zero suicides, eight marriages,
five domestic partnerships,
and at least half a dozen
ethically non-monogamous
couple saves. [Chuckles]
You're not banging all
of these guys, are ya?
You know I can't date
my patients.
And I'll have you know the psych
ward is not the worst place
for a person to be.
Some thrive there.
Oh, Lonnie bin for the win.
[Jonny] Three years ago, oh,
you had a really great season,
man. Very impressive.
Thanks. Do you
want an autograph?
I can sign something for you
if you like.
Maybe, uh, but for now I think
I'll settle for a scotch.
[Jonny chuckles]
So, Tabbs,
Jonny's quite the catch.
Tell us more.
Give us the scoop.
Uh, well, he is pretty,
he's pretty new to LA.
He moved from Phoenix.
Um, he's been here
for like six months.
But yeah, things have been,
things have been really nice.
We're actually talking
about moving in together.
Wow, with an actor. Good luck.
No, but he's actually
like really good.
No, seriously, guys, like
I help him with auditions,
self-tapes, and he goes in
for callbacks all the time.
I think he's gonna
book something big soon.
I think it's cool.
He's got a great look.
How about you, Kels? You dating
anyone in this little sh*thole?
You know, there's
not too many options
up here on the mountain.
Well, you should make a change.
You should go to LA.
You always said you were gonna
move there with Tabby, right?
[music continues]
Well, right.
But then your mom got sick
and you decided to stick around.
Which I think it's really
admirable what you did.
Right, yeah.
Now that she's gone.
Well, now I run my parents' old
restaurant, as you already know.
Well, I think it's great
that you took over.
I mean, some of our favorite
memories growing up
were at that diner.
So how about you, Chandler?
Are you seeing anyone?
Oh, yeah, I'm seeing a guy
named Sam, a guy named Jason.
Oh, this very sexy
Italian named Frederico.
- Well, I'm f*cking him.
- [laughs]
I wouldn't exactly
say I'm seeing him.
Seeing a lot of his d*ck,
though.
- You forgot Preston, the PR guy.
- [Chandler] Hmm.
Not seeing Preston anymore.
His friend laid him off,
so I had to stop laying him.
Of course you did.
How about you, Tucker,
Julian, you seeing anyone?
[music continues]
Um, he has a roster
as big as mine,
but he's not dating any of them.
He's holding out
for Prince Charming.
Hey, Mr. Right don't
appear overnight.
Single and very not looking.
[Chandler] Well,
we're such successful
and well-adjusted adults,
aren't we?
What a great time to celebrate
our first Secret Scrooge
in a decade.
- [all chuckling]
- Cheers.
- Yes.
- [glasses clink]
[music continues]
What's with
the Scrooge theme anyway?
Seems morbid, even to me,
and I hate the holidays.
Wasn't it your idea, Julian?
Not to start the party. I just
passed around tequila shots
- and said, "Let's get Scrooged."
- Oh, yeah.
[Julian] Kelsey, you're the one
that worked A Christmas Carol.
Yes, but it was definitely
not my idea. It was Chandler.
[Kelsey] A sick game she came
up with to prank us all
with humiliating gifts
at our Secret Santa party
freshman year.
Okay, I can't help it
if my idea caught on.
I just said Secret Scrooge
because it was non-traditional.
[Kelsey] Yes, well,
not all of us thought
your prank gifts
were funny, even then.
Then you were just
invited by default.
I love you now, but then
you were just Tabby's friend.
I didn't care.
Ouch! Tell her
how you really feel.
Pretty sure Glen hated it too.
[music continues]
- Who's Glen?
- [Julian] Oh...
Glen was my best friend
in college.
He was Tabby's guy too. I
wouldn't worry about him though.
Selfish f*ck k*lled himself.
Adios, Glen, dumb m*therf*cker.
[Chandler] Well, adios
to you too, apparently.
Why don't you have
another shot, babe?
Hey, weren't you two
engaged at one point?
Okay, I'm gonna open
a new bottle of wine.
Jeez, Julian, what the hell
is wrong with you?
[somber music]
[chuckles]
Sorry, I was...
trying to tell you...
The part about the suicide or
the fact that you had a fianc.
[Jonny chuckles] I mean, I know
we haven't been dating for long,
but... holy hell, babe.
What happened?
[sighs]
Um...
Glen was on
a baseball scholarship
and then Glen tore his labrum
at practice one day
so the doctor said
he can't play anymore
and, uh, then he lost
his scholarship. It was hard.
He was depressed,
and just angry all the time
and then he-he got let go of
his job at the campus pub.
Uh, he started just
drinking like crazy
and then, um, one night
around the holidays,
Chandler said that he, he came
on to her behind the pub.
[tense music]
So Glen denied it, but I-I knew
that there was just something
that he wasn't telling me.
So I, um, I told him, uh, that
I just needed a little break
just to clear my head.
And then he promised that he
was gonna get his sh*t together
so we could move
to L.A. in the spring,
but then he just
[crying]
he just k*lled himself.
He jumped off
the campus theater roof
right before the annual
production of A Christmas Carol,
which Kelsey
had been working on.
We were all there.
[sniffles]
It just felt personal
you know, just considering
the, the theme
of our Christmas parties
was always Scrooge.
What the f*ck?
[sighs]
Babe, I am so sorry.
[music continues]
Now I can kinda see
why you didn't wanna come.
[sighs]
Your friends, they... [scoffs]
They're crazy as hell, right?
- Totally.
- [laughs]
- Do you wanna leave?
- With the roads as dangerous
as they are now, I honestly
think that that would be
even crazier than staying.
Okay. Is there anything else
I can do for you?
[mellow music]
You can make me
a very big drink.
[both chuckle]
[ominous music]
- [Jonny] Whoa!
- Oh, my God!
- What the hell, man?
- Um...
I'm sorry,
I didn't wanna disturb you.
And I'm sorry to hear
about your boyfriend.
It must've been... hard.
Uh, yeah, it was rough.
But thanks.
I need to get the fire ready in
the den for the gift exchange.
I'm sure it's gonna be
the highlight tonight.
Bring you some joy
this Christmas.
Uh, yeah, let's, let's hope so.
[music continues]
Well, tea time turned out
to be a total bust.
Only 'cause Julian
spilled the tea.
And bringing up Glen?
Wow! Brings back
some bad memories.
I know, right?
I haven't even gotten
to pull any pranks yet.
Uh-oh. Are you
planning something?
Chan, these urges you get to
induce fear are sadistic and...
Nope. You do not get to
therapize me tonight, bestie.
Just drink up.
[clinking]
[tense music]
[fire crackling]
[Tucker sighs]
What is this?
Someone's wish list to Santa?
[quirky music]
Why is Franny's name
crossed off?
What's up?
Oh, Chandler went
all out this year, huh?
Scrooge's naughty list?
Must be one of Chandler's
bullshit pranks, I bet.
With Franny crossed off?
Sadistic.
Sadistic? How dare?
I'm an angel. [Laughs]
Wait, did you change again?
Yeah. That was
my tea time outfit.
This is my dinner outfit. Duh!
And whoever wrote this has
great penmanship, but wasn't me.
All right, who's ready
to get Scrooged? [Laughs]
Um, so, who moves...
the other gifts?
[music continues]
Wait, so, like,
is this part of the game or...?
- [chuckles]
- Of course it is.
- Come on, Chandler.
- Wish I had.
This is great work. [Chuckles]
But these all have
our names on them.
Please, Tucker,
you're in on it, too.
I'm not opening my gift.
There's probably
a dead mouse in the box.
Forget it.
Okay, Tucker,
did you guys do this or not?
I swear on my entire practice,
I now adhere to
a zero tolerance policy
for bringing undue psychological
stress to those I love.
Guys... can we just
open them, please?
[music continues]
I'll go first.
Ooh. Baseball.
How original. [Inhales]
What does the card say?
"Dear Mr. Scrooge,
get your very own baseball
by faster than a fox
MVP Julian Cortez.
But since he was also
the cause of the accident,
feel free to take his legs."
Guys.
Hey, what the f*ck?
This isn't funny.
I had nothing to do
with Glen's death.
But you were roughhousing
with him
the day that he tore his labrum.
I mean, maybe if you'd stopped
when the coach had asked...
Shut the f*ck up, Chandler.
Go ahead.
Open yours, then.
[grim music]
Gorgeous goth wrapping paper.
Hmm. [Chuckles]
Hmm.
Huh. An apple.
Definitely not gonna eat it.
Probably poisoned.
Really? You should take a bite.
[note rustling]
[sighs]
Out loud, Chandler.
Fine.
"Dear Mr. Scrooge, send a sleigh
with a poisoned apple
to Chandler Crisp,
our Liar Liar,
'cause even when
she tells the truth,
her selfish ways
seek to conspire."
[music continues]
- What does that mean?
- [chuckles] Nothing.
Shitty poetry, at best.
But what'd you
lie about, though?
Nothing. It's bullshit.
Well, it had to be something
about Glen's death.
Oh, my God.
Were you lying about Glen
trying to hook up with you
the week before
he k*lled himself?
[scoffs]
You're lying.
Look at your face.
Why would you do that?
You made all of us believe
that Glen hit on you.
It was forever ago,
and I was pissed at Julian
for smacking some hot waitress's
a*s, and I flirted with Glen.
I-I mean, is that what
you wanted to hear? Okay?
I-I was just trying to make
Julian jealous, okay? I...
[music continues]
I mean, how could I know
that Glen would be
completely unhinged?
[chuckles dismally]
Wow.
I can't believe you, Chandler.
Glen and I got into
a huge blowout
because you told me
that he hit on you.
That was the last conversation
that we had before...
I'm sorry. Okay, I just, I,
like, how could I know that
he was gonna swan dive
off a building?
- [sobs]
- Jesus. You're such a b*tch.
f*ck you, Kels.
Tabby can fight her own fights.
You are unbelievable, Chandler.
Screw you guys.
Open your f*cking gift, Tucker.
It's your turn.
[music continues]
[sighs]
[tense music]
It's Glen's name tag
from the pub.
"Dear Mr. Scrooge, all Glen
ever wanted for Christmas
was a friend
when he needed it most.
Instead, what he got
was a posing Tucker posy
firing him from his post."
It wasn't my fault.
The pub had to let him go.
I was only a shift manager.
You all know that Glen
was drinking on the job.
He couldn't even finish
a shift sober.
And the owner was on my a*s
because I was the one
that got him the job
after he got hurt.
What else was I supposed to do?
It wasn't your fault.
Glen was already...
He was already
f*cked up by then.
[music continues]
What the hell?
[Jonny] Looks like
an oxygen at or.
My-my dad had one of those
when he got old.
"Dear Mr. Scrooge, peddling
through life with a cane,
do you ever find it
hard to breathe?
In the way Glen always
saw Kelsey Klein
despite being
a very good friend indeed?"
[somber music]
[sobs]
I was a good friend to Glen.
I wasn't trying to get
in the way
of your relationship
with him, I...
I only spoke up
because I thought
he was cheating on
you too, but...
Only we know he didn't, so...
[tense music]
- Ew!
- Impressive.
[gasps]
What the f*ck?
[Chandler]
At least it's not real.
"Dear Mr. Scrooge,
with the heart of a Grinch
and a Mr. Scrooge's soul,
Tabby Banks is the
true Krampus Christmas monster
who will rip your heart out
and devour you whole."
Okay, this bullshit isn't cute.
One of you needs to fess up.
How would it be any one of us?
We all got
the stupid Scrooge gifts.
Because who else would it be?
Personally, I think
you're full of sh*t
and you're behind
this entire thing.
I concur with Kels.
Guys, it wasn't me, okay?
Okay, honestly, I
don't really give a f*ck
which one of you it is.
All I know is that
we're leaving right now.
Yeah.
Guys... [chuckles]
[gasps]
Wait.
Babe, look at the door.
Tabby, can I go with you?
I don't wanna be here
alone with them.
Yeah, of course you can come
with us.
What the hell are these chains
doin' on these doors?
[door lock clicking]
[Chandler] Okay, that
one's kind of on me.
I was just trying to pull
a little prank with Marty's help
while we were doing
the gift exchange,
but the lock doesn't latch.
[lock clicking]
- Huh. Not locked, huh?
- What the hell, Chandler?
Okay, uh, he wasn't supposed
to use a real lock.
I'll talk to Marty,
I'll get him to take them off,
but it doesn't change the fact
that you shouldn't drive.
It's not safe out there.
Just please come to dinner
and... I will get Marty
to sort this out.
No. We're not having dinner with
you guys. Come on, Tabby.
[grim music]
Considering the likelihood
you're behind those sick gifts,
I'll stay for dinner
because I'm hungry.
Okay, well, dinner
will be in 30 minutes
for anyone not feeling
too overly dramatic to attend.
Are you insane?
I'm out of here, too.
How are you gonna do that?
All right?
The roads are still icy even
though the wind's died down.
I drove an off-road pick-up
truck here,
it has all-wheel drive, so I'll
be fine in some black ice.
Hey, have a Merry Christmas.
And a Happy New Year.
[door opens]
[sighs] I'm-I'm sorry
for bringing you here.
You're probably gonna hate
Christmas more now
than you already do.
Trust me, with my family,
I've had worse. You're good.
Should've been smart like
Franny, though
and not come at all.
Yeah, how does Franny fit
into all this, anyhow?
I-I don't know. I mean, Franny,
well, she-she was super smart,
and she had been tutoring Glen.
After the-the injury, he started
drinking all the time,
and then Franny refused
to keep helping him,
so his grades plummeted.
Maybe that's what she was
referring to in her voicemail.
She'd gotten a gift
just like the rest of us.
She was smart not to come.
So what now?
I just, I don't...
I don't wanna be here with them.
Why don't we stay in here
and make a night of it?
And then we'll leave
first thing tomorrow
to your parents' on
the mountain, I'll go
and grab some wine
and grub from downstairs
while you clean
all that crap off.
We can just chill in here. Hey.
[instrumental music]
What did we say?
No regrets, right?
No regrets.
[engine starts]
[upbeat song on radio]
Hey! Hey, who's there?
All right, you m*therf*cker.
You wanna play,
you little prick?
You connected
to my Bluetooth, as*h*le?
I'll deck the halls
And notch it up
Santa Clausin'
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
[horn honks]
Chandler?
Tucker, this isn't funny.
It's f*cking cold out here.
Come on.
[indistinct lyrics]
[Julian grunting]
sh*t!
[upbeat song]
- Wait, wait, no, no, no! Ah!
- [thudding]
[heaving]
[groaning]
sh*t.
- [metal chiming]
- Please, no...
[grunts]
[food sizzling]
Ah... smells good.
Ah! Jeez, man.
Uh, you scared
the hell out of me.
Dinner will be served
in the formal dining room
in five minutes.
Uh, yeah, sorry
we aren't attending dinner
this evening
so I thought I'd get
us somethin' to go.
If you want dinner,
you may join the others
in the dining room.
Um, okay.
What's with you, man?
You seem to be sweating quite
a lot for this kind of weather.
Well, I've been
in front of the stove all day
since Roma decided
to take her leave.
Take a leave to where?
I-I thought we couldn't
get out of here with
this kind of weather.
Well, I've searched
for her in the entire house
and she's nowhere to be found,
so I guess she must have...
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to finish
preparing for dinner.
[grim music]
- [knocking on door]
- Come in.
Hey, Kel, sorry,
I was tryin' to get all this
sticky stuff off my hands.
Please come to dinner.
I don't wanna be down
there alone with them.
Okay, yeah, I'll, um...
I'll talk to Jonny and see if
he'll come down there with me.
Thank you.
I just... I don't think I could
have handled this weekend
- if you hadn't come.
- I know.
I-I really wanted to see you.
Really?
I know we don't talk
like we used to.
We used to talk every day
in school.
Now we barely text
once every month.
[Tabby] Yeah, I know.
We'll be better.
And I-I know it's not an excuse,
but, um, it was
it was really hard
for me to come back here.
Not because of you or anything,
just because of all
the memories with Glen.
[instrumental music]
Everything just...
- Just came flooding back.
- Yeah.
Just didn't realize our whole
friendship would turn out
to be another casualty
in Glen's death.
Hey. It's not like that.
And besides, I'm in
a much better place now, okay?
And I would love for you
to come out and visit me in L.A.
- You really mean it this time?
- Of course.
Hey, babe, so Kels wants us
to go and join them for dinner.
Not that we have a choice,
Marty said we have to
if we wanna eat.
Wait, I thought
that Roma was the chef.
Apparently she left,
but all I know
is that guy is weird as f*ck.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
[tense music]
Okay, sit wherever
you want and feel free
to complain about dinner
to anyone but me.
Apparently Roma decided to
leave, so Marty made dinner.
Wouldn't get my hopes up.
She didn't say
where she was going?
Who cares? With this ice
probably off
the side of the mountain.
Well, shouldn't we be
worried about her?
We should be worried
about dinner.
I do not know if Marty can cook.
Wait, guys, is it possible
that, like, Marty's the one
who's behind this
whole twisted gift thing?
'Cause I swear
I know it from somewhere.
You do.
He went to school with us.
He went to, like, every game.
Wait, like, like Glen's games?
Yeah. He was a huge fan.
He talked about it all the
time when we were hiring him.
Well, hello, Chandler,
don't you think that connection
is a little bit more
than coincidental?
[whispering]
Oh, my gosh, wait...
No, I-I remember him now.
Marty was, like,
obsessed with Glen.
He used to come to the pub
after every single game
before Glen got injured,
and he would, like,
try to sit as close
to us as possible.
Oh, my God.
He was that creep?
[Chandler] Uh, guys,
you don't feel like
that's a little bit of a reach?
Marty has been working for
this estate for over a year.
Okay, fine. But
they have a point.
How else do you explain
those gifts
if you swear it wasn't you?
[tense music]
Okay, if that's true
do you think he poisoned dinner?
Guys, I'm kidding.
Chill out. God
[all exclaim]
Oh, my God!
- What the f*ck!
- Is that, is that Franny?
- It was Franny.
- I thought she wasn't even here.
Well, is this some sort
of sick joke?
Okay, I-I just told Marty
that, like, he should
put a fake finger
in the soup in the hopes
that it would end up
in Kelsey's bowl. I certainly
didn't tell him to put.
Franny's head on a platter.
Please tell me that
head is fake.
This is real,
obviously very real.
And this was obviously Marty,
so we can't start
- turning on each other now.
- We need to see
if our cell phones
have any service.
Uh, sh*t, mine's upstairs.
Okay, they don't have
any service. There's no way.
My grandmother did have
this old radio
in her bedroom suite
on the third floor.
I-if it's still there,
maybe we can call the police
and get some help.
You guys do whatever
the hell you wanna do.
We're-we're leaving now.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Tabby, please don't leave me.
- Okay.
That idiot's
gonna get her k*lled.
Now what?
Uh, we go upstairs
and try the old radio.
[breathing heavily]
Jonny, I've known
these people for, for forever,
and I don't think that
one of them could've done this.
It doesn't change whether
I trust them
or whether we should trust them.
- Okay...
- Well, we think it's Marty.
It seems far-fetched
that he could be doing
all of this without any help.
- How do we know he'd come here?
- I don't know.
Maybe he, like, got the job
with Chandler first,
and then he started planning,
and he-he could have
been planning this for a while.
[Jonny] Or maybe he's working
with Chandler.
Didn't she have
a thing for your ex?
And doesn't that track with
her whole prank BS behavior?
Yes, but she got a gift, too.
A gift she could have
given herself.
She even caught herself
in her own lie,
and clearly didn't mind
doing it.
Okay, look, Chandler
is a lot of things,
but a m*rder*r?
Tabs, sorry,
but you're being gullible.
You always give everyone
the benefit of the doubt,
even if they don't deserve it,
you, you need
to start thinking
a bit more level-headed.
Excuse me, but I'm the only
person who's trying
to keep everyone from goin'
apeshit on each other, okay?
So unless you have some kind
of concrete evidence,
playing the blame game
isn't gonna help anybody.
Fine, but I agree
you're giving certain people
way too much credit.
Look, I just...
I think that Marty seems like
the most likely candidate.
And if it's, if it's not him,
I mean, if...
[chuckles] What if it's
someone else on the estate?
I mean, this is a big house,
and there were a lot of people
that were angry
with us after Glen's death.
Like who?
Glen's brother.
Remember he wouldn't even
look at us at the funeral?
He was livid after Glen died,
and he always, he always felt
like I didn't do anything
to stop it.
[Kelsey]
Oh, he does still live up here,
a-and I see him once
in a while at the diner.
I suppose he could have
overheard me
talking about the reunion.
But why would Rick wait
ten years
to play out some revenge scheme?
I don't know.
Why would anybody?
Hey, guys.
I don't think Julian ever left.
[grim music]
[Tabby] Julian!
[gasps]
[gasps]
Kelsey! Kelsey!
[panting]
Damn. Did someone? Someone
did a number on his legs.
[breathing heavily]
Oh, f*ck.
[music continues]
[breathing heavily] What
if he's still out here?
No, whoever it was,
they're gone now. Okay?
Uh...
But, hey, uh, the,
the truck's still here,
which means we can still
get down the mountain, okay?
It's the only thing that's
gonna make it in this ice.
Okay. Okay, but we can't...
We can't just leave without
the others, especially,
especially Kelsey, I promised
her that I wouldn't leave.
Babe. She, she just
ditched us, okay?
A-a-and we, we can't trust
any of them anymore, okay?
So, so we-we need
to leave now, okay?
- We can go and get some help?
- Jonny. Jonny!
Jonny, I-I literally...
I ran away from this place
all those years ago
because I couldn't face my past,
but I came back here
to face my fears, okay?
And I'm not...
I'm not leaving
my best friend, not again.
I can't do it.
Tab, that, that, that's
a very admirable thing
you're trying to do,
but people are dying, okay?
We need to go and get help.
Jonny... you go,
but I'm staying.
I am staying, okay?
We'll, we'll-we'll go
and we'll, like,
barricade ourselves in
until you come back
with help, okay?
Baby, please,
I'm not asking you, okay?
Get in the truck.
We're leaving now.
Jonny, I am not leaving.
You go, and honestly,
I'm f*ck' tired of
everyone treating me
like I'm some kind
of fragile flower, okay?
So you go and get help if
you want to, but I'm staying.
[tense music]
[sighs]
[engine starts]
[breathing heavily]
Kelsey?
[eerie music]
[breathing heavily]
[sniffles]
[kettle whistles]
[breathing heavily]
[music continues]
[gasps]
[muffled crying]
[sobs]
- Hey.
- Whoa! You scared me.
You're supposed
to be watching the door.
Okay, so the radio?
It's as dead
as your grandmother. [Sighs]
So what now?
Everyone else left us.
So now we go to the second floor
and we get my grandfather's
old g*n,
and then we put a b*llet
in the head of anyone
that tries to f*ck with us.
I may or may not
have to pee first.
[grim music]
What the f*ck?!
I-it's the chef lady.
Oh, damn it.
He's not supposed
to come up here.
Why would he leave
her body here?
How can you be so cavalier?
[gasps]
Wait.
Did you get Marty to do this?
No, I just meant that he, like,
doesn't have permission
to be up here.
Okay, y-y-you stay right there.
Tucker, you know me.
I'm your best friend.
I didn't k*ll anybody.
I might k*ll you though if you
don't chill the f*ck out.
Yeah, I do know you, and I know
you have mildly
sociopathic tendencies
that worsen when
you're isolated.
So how do I know you didn't take
this outdated prank party
and bring it
to a new level
of psychosis, hmm?
Tucker, you are the one
that sounds insane right now.
[tense music]
- Tucker!
- Ah!
[gasps]
[breathing heavily]
- Kelsey.
- [screams] What the hell, Tabby?
You scared the life out of me.
Oh, my God. [Panting]
And that noise.
I keep hearing that.
Where, where the hell
is that coming from?
I have no idea.
It's really hard to tell.
- [Tucker] Hey, hey.
- [both scream]
- Oh, my God!
- Okay, time! Slow!
Wait, where's
your headcase boyfriend?
Jonny went to go find help,
but we found, we found Julian
dead in the driveway.
What? Oh, no.
And Tabby just found
even more blood
in the kitchen
just a minute ago.
- [panting]
- Wait, where's Chandler?
Upstairs. Still. I think.
I kind of freaked on her.
I told her I thought it was her.
We found Roma's body up
on the third floor
- in the bathtub.
- [both gasp]
- What made you think it was her?
- I-it was like she...
She insinuated that Marty
took the body to the wrong spot.
Maybe I misconstrued her words.
Or maybe
that's why she hired him.
Maybe they're
in cahoots, you think?
I don't know why Glen's death
would still mean
something to her.
Well, maybe, maybe it doesn't.
Maybe this was just,
like, I don't know,
a part of one of Chandler's
stupid pranks,
and then, and then maybe
Marty took the whole thing,
- like, a step further.
- [both gasp]
Winds must've knocked
the power out.
Oh, what if it was Marty?
Okay, look, speculating
is not helping.
What we need to do is we need
to go, we need to get the power
back on, and then we need to
find a place that we can go
and hide and barricade
ourselves in, okay?
- We're sitting ducks in here.
- I-I've been here before.
The electricity goes out
all the time.
I'm pretty sure the breaker box
is in the basement.
Um, one of us needs to turn
those lights back on,
but, but if they go out again,
we need candles to hold us
out until morning.
So one of us needs
to flip the breakers,
and one of us needs to go get
the candles from the spandrel.
Definitely not
going in a basement.
You want to get candles
all by yourself?
Okay, I'll...
Fine, I'll go with Tabby.
T-Tucker, I don't think that
you should be alone right now.
I think you should just come
with us, I don't think
anybody should be
alone right now.
One sec.
I'll be fine now.
No one's gonna mess with me.
If anyone can take Marty,
it's me.
[tense music]
Where do K*llers always hide?
Basements.
Why did we get this job?
Because there's literally
nobody else.
Just, just stay with me, okay?
[tense music]
Wait. There's flashlights.
Here, grab this one.
Wait, what if Marty's down here?
Then he's gonna get tenderized.
[fire crackling]
[blows]
[sighs]
[tense music]
Stupid Scrooge gift exchange.
[badge clinks]
[fire crackling]
Okay, I think this is them.
[breaker clicks]
Oh, how I've missed
the merriment
of twinkling lights on
this festive holiday occasion.
- Let there be light.
- Okay.
[distant pounding]
There's that noise again.
- What is that?
- I don't know.
[tense music]
[door closes]
Hello?
Tabs?
Kels?
Guys?
[grim music]
[grunts]
[Tucker screams]
[sizzling]
[grunts]
Is that a blade sharpener?
- Why is that down here?
- I don't know...
Shouldn't it be in the kitchen?
What's that?
Uh, I don't know
and I don't wanna find out.
- Let's just go.
- No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
[grim music]
[gasps]
[both sigh]
Stupid f*cking Mrs. Claus.
- Come on. Come on, let's go.
- Okay.
Tucker? Guys?
[screams]
That sounds like Chandler.
Oh, f*ck.
[tense music]
[skin sizzling]
[gasping]
- What the f*ck happened?
- How should we know?
He was fine until
he was here with you.
Me? I didn't do this.
I just found him like this.
How can we be sure?
You're a liar.
Tabby, you believe me, right?
Yeah, of course.
I-I-I-I wanna believe you,
but it's just...
it's really hard to think
that that could have
all been done alone.
Look, I know that I'm a b*tch
and I messed with you
guys too much,
but I didn't k*ll Tucker.
He was my best friend
and I loved him.
Where's Marty at, huh, Chandler?
How should I know where he is?
Are you sure you didn't
put him up to all of this?
You need to stop your little
witch hunt right now.
You might be next.
How can we be sure it's not you?
Are you serious?
You trust her more than me?
I mean, at least I keep it real.
She talks so much sh*t about
you in college and even now.
- No, I don't.
- [Chandler] Yes, you do.
I stopped by the diner on
my way back from the airport
and she proceeded to talk
mad sh*t
about how you probably weren't
gonna come this weekend
and how you're such
a flake and even worse,
you're an LA phony now.
That's not true,
I just said that
I really hoped
that you would come.
[snorts] Come on, Tabby.
You know it.
Kelsey has always been jealous
of you and your life
and our friendship and
when you joined the sorority.
Even now, you are the girl that
Kelsey has always wanted to be.
Yeah, but you're also the girl
Chandler always loved to hate.
Oh, please. I hate everybody.
Yeah, but you really hated Tabby
because everyone else loved her.
She's a people pleaser
who can't make up her
own mind to save her life,
even now she's letting you
and her big, bad boyfriend
make all of her
decisions for her.
Guys, just both of
you stop. Okay?
All of our friends are dead
and nobody can trust anyone.
What do you mean all of
our friends are dead?
Who other than Tucker
and Franny?
- Your ex.
- [Chandler] Wait, what?
- Ring any sleigh bells?
- Julian's dead?
Please. Don't act like
you don't already know.
Where?
Out on the driveway.
[tense music]
Wait, wait, no Chandler, no, no,
you cannot go out there!
Tabby, wait.
No, wait. Wait.
Chandler, no, wait, wait.
[gasps]
[intense music]
What did you do to him?
Guys, guys, guys, we need to go.
We need to go, go, go.
Chandler, go, go, go, go.
Oh, my God, go get
a chair, get a chair
put it under the door. Go, go!
Come on, let's go.
Where are we going?
Is that Ebenezer f*cking Scrooge
or am I imagining sh*t
right now?
Someone definitely
dressed as him.
He had a blade in his cane.
We need to find something that
we can barricade ourselves in.
No, no, no, no,
we need to go upstairs
and get my grandfather's
old g*n.
- Okay, well, where is it?
- Uh...
It's, uh, in a case
in the library I think
and his b*ll*ts
are on his nightstand.
Let's take the front stairs.
- [gasps]
- [both scream]
- Oh!
- f*ck!
[Chandler] Okay, uh, sorry,
that was my final prank.
Uh, f*cking prank's on us.
Oh, but, look.
The chains are off now.
[all screaming]
[grunts]
[screaming]
[Tabby grunts]
Come on.
[tense music]
[gasps]
f*cking left me.
[grim music]
[music continues]
[creaking]
[gasps]
[music continues]
[grunts]
Hey.
[grunts]
m*therf*cker!
[screams]
[panting]
[tense music]
[panting]
[music continues]
[door closes]
[breathing heavily]
[music continues]
[breathing heavily]
[music continues]
[floorboard creaking]
[grim music]
[panting]
[music continues]
[panting]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[chokes]
[instrumental music]
[Tabby] Hey.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. Where's Chandler?
Scrooge went after her.
There's something upstairs.
- Maybe she'll find the g*n...
- Before he finds her?
[sighs] You know, I think we
need to sneak out the back
I think we need to hide in the
carport until Jonny gets back
'cause it's the one place
that we'll see him coming.
Come on.
[grim music]
[clattering]
It's, like, it's not opening.
It's, there's like something
against the door.
[grunts]
It's Julian.
[gasps]
[tense music]
[music continues]
- Hey, f*ck.
- [grunting]
[dramatic music]
[both grunting]
[choking]
[grunts]
[pan clanks]
[Kelsey] Tabby, wake up.
- [Kelsey] Tabby.
- [inhales deeply]
[Kelsey] Are you okay?
My, my head.
- Where is he now?
- [Kelsey] I have no clue.
W-W-What happened?
Scrooge knocked you out.
I knocked him pretty hard
with a frying pan.
He was down long enough for me
to drag you in here.
- Where, where is he now?
- I have no clue.
He's been gone for about
ten minutes or so at least.
Thank you for saving me.
Of course.
You're my best friend.
Do you think you could walk?
- I think so.
- Good.
Because we need to get upstairs
and find that g*n.
You check that side.
I'll check over here.
[instrumental music]
[clattering]
I found it. Okay, now we just
have to find the b*ll*ts.
Um, uh, do you have any idea
where her grandfather's
old room is?
- No idea.
- [sighs]
Okay. Come on.
[grim music]
Nothing in here.
Nothing here.
[shuddering]
Here, neither.
Maybe it's the wrong room.
Where does that door go?
[music continues]
[door lock clicks]
- [sighs]
- It's locked.
When Marty showed me to my room,
the door was locked.
He reach behind
a lamp just like this.
[instrumental music]
[door lock clicking]
Someone's there.
[breathing shakily]
Jonny. Oh, my God! Wake up.
Jonny. Jonny, wake up,
are you okay?
Hey. Hey, you found me.
Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
What the hell happened to you?
Some guy, some crazy f*ck
in a Scrooge costume
stopped me on the road.
Knocked me flat
with a f*cking cane.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Thank God he only tied you up.
Maybe because Jonny didn't
have anything to do
with Glen's death.
[grim music]
- I was so worried about you.
- Oh, my God.
What... What is all this stuff?
[Tabby] Oh, no.
Got Chandler too.
[Kelsey] Look at all this.
Ebenezer Scrooge.
My God. Who f*cking did this?
Marty really planned
all of this, didn't he?
But what, what does Scrooge
have to do with it?
Like, what, d-does he think that
he's Ebenezer Scrooge
or something?
Wait.
What's, what's that?
[music continues]
Oh, my God.
Is this f*cking Glen's
suicide note?
How did Marty get this?
Jesus.
I-it can't be. Can it?
Wow, it's heavy.
But I guess that's what comes
with a broken heart
sometimes, I suppose...
I'm sorry. Uh...
Of course it's not your fault.
I didn't, I didn't
mean it like that.
[exhales]
Are you okay, Tabby?
You don't blame yourself,
do you?
No, honestly, I don't.
And I didn't tell you this
earlier, but the whole reason
that I even broke up with Glen
in the first place
is because he was
cheating on me.
Only I don't know who it was.
So if it wasn't Chandler,
and that was a lie,
then it was someone else.
All I know
is that he was cheating.
And that it wasn't my fault.
[grim music]
I felt guilty for so long
for something that...
wasn't my fault.
If anything, tonight,
tonight cemented that.
It, it wasn't my fault.
So you know what?
If Marty wants to blame us,
then that's fine.
But we're the ones
with a g*n now.
[tense music]
[stairs creaking]
[all gasp]
Don't move, do not f*cking move
or I swear to God I'm gonna
sh**t you in the head!
Look, someone in this house
is f*cking crazy.
They bashed me over the head
and locked me in the closet.
S-so where did you get
this suit from, huh?
[Marty] I don't know.
When I woke up, I had it on.
Look, I was in there for hours.
Okay, just p-put
the f*cking g*n down.
The hell you have.
And step... back.
[groaning]
[thuds]
You... you just k*lled him.
He k*lled our friends.
It was so easy, it was like,
like you'd done it before.
Because you have.
Haven't you?
What are you talking
about, Tabby?
[Tabby] Marty couldn't
have done this alone.
And Glen didn't
k*ll himself, did he?
No, it makes sense now.
Why his suicide note disappears,
barring an investigation
into his death,
especially when you consider
who really wrote that note.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
You're not making any sense.
And you're scaring me.
Kelsey, I'm talking about
Glen's suicide note
being in your handwriting.
The same scratch writing
that you used to leave
all over our
refrigerator freshman year
when you would let me
know, like, anytime
that you would f*cking
go anywhere,
like, it makes sense now.
You were in love with Glen.
And you were
the one screwing him.
Tabby, what?
I'm your best friend.
Yeah, were my best friend,
if you would even call it that.
More like the girl who was
so obsessed with, with, with me
and, and my life that you wanted
to have everything in my life,
including my boyfriend.
How dare you?
I'm the only one who ever
really cared about you.
Even when you were
screwing Glen?
I bet you pushed him off
the theater rooftop, too.
Right after I told you
that I was moving to Los Angeles
with Glen instead of you,
you must have been so livid
because you were so
in love with Glen,
and you were so mad
that I wasn't bringing you.
You know what, Tabby? Screw you.
I don't need to listen to this.
I have been dealing with you,
treating me like garbage
ever since you met Glen
and his stupid friends
and I'm not doing it anymore.
[laughs]
- [Kelsey gasps]
- Go on, then. Tell her.
Is it true? Did you f*ck the
boyfriend behind her back?
Chuck, please.
- Okay.
- [Kelsey gasps]
[ragged breathing]
Fine. Yes. Just one time.
Glen asked me to meet him
before the show began.
He said he was gonna
tell you everything,
and I couldn't let him
ruin our friendship.
And his dumb friends had
already taken you away from me.
And it's true,
did you push him over the edge
and write that note?
I...
[grim music]
It was, it was an accident.
I grabbed onto him, and
I begged him not to tell you.
He just... he pulled back,
and he went over the edge.
[sighs]
It's not what you
told me before.
You lied. It's too bad.
[gasps]
[sobs]
Kelsey didn't want you to see
the note, but I thought,
for dramatic effect, you should,
so I put it into the shrine
last minute.
And, boy, am I glad I did,
because how else
would we have known
what Kelsey's capable of?
I mean, she did k*ll Roma,
but sh-she kinda had to do that
because I was too busy
screwing you.
- You were Scrooge?
- Yes.
And every time
I put on that mask,
I really felt him as well.
That is what we like
to call method acting.
But you... you, you were...
An even better actor
than you thought?
I mean, thanks. [Chuckles]
I don't even need the mask
to be him now.
[tense music]
I know there's
no b*ll*ts in that.
[panting] Oh, my God!
[breathing heavily]
So what, you just,
you just tied yourself up
upstairs just so I
wouldn't think it was you?
Pretty much, yeah.
Blood in the kitchen
was Marty's.
The banging, him too.
You two were our fall guys all
along, so when I choked you out,
I had to find a way to get back
inside the house unsuspectingly
in the hopes that you would
take out Marty yourself,
leaving us no choice but
to take you out after us,
the only surviving witnesses.
We just didn't anticipate
Marty escaping,
and I certainly didn't know that
Kelsey would turn out to be
such a deceptive,
manipulative monster.
So then why'd you do it?
Huh? What did you...
Did you, did you love her?
[chuckles] No! No way. No.
I did this for me.
Sure, the whole how
was all Kelsey's idea.
She hated you all so much,
blamed you all for Glen's death
and for leaving her here
in this sh*t town.
[chuckles] It was her idea
for me to k*ll everyone by way
of what they'd done to Glen.
Penetrate Chandler's lying
little wh*re mouth.
[dramatic music]
Make a forest fire out of
Tucker's pretty head of hair.
Take Julian's legs.
And then there was
Smarty Pants Franny.
Kelsey told me that she stole.
Glen's last chance
at graduating,
so I stole her head. [Chuckles]
It was in my bag the whole car
ride up here, you know?
So then if you didn't love her,
then why would you risk
getting caught just to k*ll
a bunch of f*cking people
that you don't even know?
Ha! Ah, but I do know you.
I... I'm from here, Tabbs.
I went to Drake
with all you idiots.
Even worked at the diner
for a while.
Of course I wasn't as cute
or in shape back then.
Mm. That I had to work on
before I came out to LA.
So meeting me
and bringing me back here
was your plan all along?
Well, that's part of it.
But part of it was getting you
to help me establish myself,
which you did.
Such a great girlfriend,
just like with Glen.
You taped my auditions,
did my head shots,
even helped me get that
great agent, so thank you.
You know what?
f*ck you! f*ck you!
You f*cking k*lled
all my friends
just for some
dumb f*cking chance
to play dress-up as Scrooge,
you're a f*cking headcase.
You're a f*cking headcase,
just like Tucker said.
Ah! But it wasn't just for
dress-up. You don't see?
Ebenezer Scrooge and
I are one and the same.
Our moms died
giving birth to us.
Our dad blames us
our entire lives.
My therapist even once said
that's why I lost touch
with my authentic self.
Poor Jonny Rose.
[breathing heavily]
Or should I say
Jonathan Rosenthal?
[grim music]
Name doesn't ring a bell. Hmm.
Ah. But I guess
it wouldn't, would it?
You see, I was set to star
as Ebenezer Scrooge in
A Christmas Carol
the night that Glen died.
The night you all k*lled him,
ruining my very first
starring show.
Of course, you didn't get
to see me on stage.
The show got canceled, but, hey,
at least you got to see me
as Scrooge tonight.
- [sword clinking]
- Now! For the curtain call!
[Tabby] Jonny, you
don't have to do this.
I loved you, and I know that
there's a part of you
- that loved me, too.
- Yeah, I know,
but not as much as performing.
I never understood how could you
love a schizoid like Scrooge?
Whatever does that
say about you?
Well, I'm not the girl
I used to be.
And if we are being
completely honest,
there was one thing that
I always hated about you
that I could never get over.
Oh, yeah? And what's that?
I f*cking love Christmas,
you piece of sh*t!
[both grunting]
[dramatic music]
[gasping]
My stunt classes are paying off.
[breathing heavily]
[gasps]
[grunting]
Any final words for ya, Tabbs?
Yeah.
No regrets. [Grunting]
[grim music]
[breathing shakily]
[somber music]
[sobbing]
[crow cawing]
[rooster crowing]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
God bless us.
Everyone.
[upbeat song]
It's a-falling on
December ground
But what's waiting?
Can you hear the sound?
I was shaking and stocking
While trimming up
the evergreens
Carols playing
lighting up this house
Toes are tappin'
feelin' so alive
As the DJ's spinnin' those
Mistletoe memories
We're dancin'
through the holidays
Good vibes good times
are comin' down
Ready to mingle and jingle
and dance all night
All right
We're locked in
till the Yules are through
Hey, look at old Santa Claus
bustin' a move
Everybody in every way
Is dancin' through
the holidays
You feel the rhythm
in our merry souls
The needle drops
and then away we go
No doubt about it,
the magic is here to stay
Mm-hmm
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Naughty List of Mr. Scrooge, The (2024)
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