26x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Top Gear.
Now...

..I think you'd be pretty impressed
if I told you we drove a car

to the bottom of the sea and then
drove it out again, right?

Right? Well, this week...

..we do half of that.

But first, we need to talk about
the British economy.

Now, the Government has a plan
to speed up business,

and it's something called HS2,
a high-speed train line between

London and the North, and they say
it's going to cost £56 billion.

But Chris Harris thinks he's got
a better business plan.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the future of British business
could just be the BMW M5.

At £90,000, it sounds expensive,

but for the price of HS2,

you could buy one of these
with petrol money to spare

for the entire population
of Manchester.

That'll speed up business
between London and the North.

Because this is an M5
with a 4.4 litre twin turbo V8

with just about 600hp.

And that means it's really
very fast...

..indeed.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

In fact, this four-door saloon car
has a top speed of 190mph.

The world's gone mad!

The Government reckons
its shiny new train will do

Manchester to London in one hour
and eight minutes.

Now, in the new M5, at 190mph,

you'd cover the same distance
in one hour and FIVE minutes.

OK, you have to break a few
speed limits along the way.

But we're thinking big ideas here.

Besides, it's not just
top speed where the M5 leaves

the train in the sidings.

Because BMW says
it'll do 62mph in 3.4 seconds.

That's impressive!

Which is about 25 seconds faster
than any train on the planet.

And the reason it's so fast
off the line?

Well, it's four-wheel drive.

Yeah, BMW has done the unthinkable.

The M5 is defined by being
the ultimate two-wheel drive

fast saloon car,
but when you have 600hp,

you need to drive all four wheels.

Now, for die-hard M5 fanatics out
there like me, this is a big one.

Because selling the M5's
rear-drive soul for the sake

of some extra traction is frankly
nothing short of sacrilege.

So, it's just as well BMW
has a solution.

Because if I fiddle around down here
and play with my menus,

the sensible four-wheel drive
super saloon becomes a...

HE LAUGHS

..a very un-sensible,
two-wheel drive saloon car.

And that's an M5.

This button is basically the 11pm
at the Christmas party button -

business matters out the window,
tequila shots all round,

probably going to end a bit messily.

That is some trick. Four-wheel drive
when you want to be sensible.

Two-wheel drive
when you want to be an idiot.

- Oh, - BLEEP, - that's lairy.

And let's not forget,
the M5 will do all of this

and let you avoid
the misery of rail travel.

I'm never going to make
that meeting,

you need to move the meeting,
just move it to the later one.

I told you to do it yesterday.

I don't know why we're still
having this conversation.

No, I can't, really...

I really think we've got
this one nailed.

Just ditch HS2
and your fancy train project

and make sure that it's M5s
all round, please.

Thank you, Government.

Like all big government projects,

though, this will have to be
put out to tender.

And there is another bidder.

The Mercedes AMG E63 S.

Just like the M5, it's a four-door
saloon that costs about £90,000.

And, just like the M5,

it's got a twin turbo V8
sending 600hp from four-wheel drive.

0-60, 3.4 seconds.

Top speed, 186mph.

Which is a bit less than the BMW,
but still, you know...enough.

And just like the M5...

..push a few buttons and the E63 S
will also become rear-wheel drive.

It takes all of about ten seconds
driving it to realise

the Mercedes is actually a much more
aggressive machine.

The gear changes are faster,
it revs faster.

The whole car wants to be
even more of a hooligan.

Good Lord! And it sounds so angry!

It sounds oddly familiar.

When I was younger,
I had a physics teacher

who dressed really normally.

From the outside, he looked
like the most ordinary man alive,

placid, easy-going.

But when he blew his fuse,
he went absolutely nuts.

That's the E63.

From the outside, it looks ordinary,
but when you get in it

and let it go, it's a frothing
lunatic of a super saloon!

The M5 invented this class of car,
that's why it's called the M5 class.

And Mercedes, bless it,

has spent decades trying
to muscle in on BMW's patch.

With this car,
it might finally have done it.

But there is, of course,
only one way to find out.

Because if we're going to speed up
Britain's economy,

what really matters is which car is
the fastest way to do business.

Now, I can't drive both cars,

so we've had to call in some help
from the only creature ever to

have been rejected as an Apprentice
candidate for being too obnoxious.

It's The Stig's business cousin.

And he is mighty business.

Got your Filofax in there?

THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS

So, one lap of the track,

the winner first to reach
the boss's parking space.

Business time starts
on the stroke of the hour.

That is just cheating.

Absolutely ruthless, this.

Business Stig not to be messed with.

You know all those awful
motivational phrases?

He invented all of them,
Business Stig did.

"Blue sky thinking"?
Before that, we just had ideas.

It was a shambles.

"Get your ducks in a row," that was
Stig, he invented that one.

Before that, there were just
ducks everywhere.

Oh, I'm looking a bit quicker
than you, Mr Stig.

Right, I've got him up the inside.

I've got him! I've got him!

To the winner the spoils.

Where are you going?

Power lunch, is it? Power lunch?

Sulky.

I'll shut your door, shall I?

DOOR SHUTS

There you go, Government,

the future of British business
lies in the E63 S.

I can't tell you how closely matched
these two cars are.

The M5 is a fantastic super saloon.

But, for me, the Mercedes just
edges it in a couple of key areas.

It's more exciting without
the compromise of being

any less comfortable.

It's a bit more agile.

And I just love that engine
and that gearbox.

So, yes, the M5
has finally been beaten.

I think this is the best
fast saloon car you can buy.

This is a bold statement.

But also, I'm afraid, in this day
and age, a completely pointless one.

Out in the real world,
there's no escaping the fact that

600hp super saloons,
they just don't make sense.

Back in the '80s, when the first M5
was launched, that was different.

That M5 would have got you from home
to the office, to the golf club,

or wherever else you wanted to go
faster than a normal 5 Series.

But not any more.

A diesel 5 Series will get you
there just as quick,

cost you half as much to buy
and half as much to fuel.

This car - these cars -
they're irrelevant.

They're an answer to a question
people are no longer asking.

As irrelevant answers go, though,
it is an entertaining one.

And, let's face it,
it still beats the train.

APPLAUSE

So, to summarise,

what you're saying is the Government
should just get rid of this

HS2 thing and just give everyone in
Manchester a Mercedes E63 instead?

Yeah, common-sense policies
for a common-sense Britain.

You have had some ludicrous
theories in your time. But this...

- ..this is genius! - Thank you.
- I can't see a flaw!

And I love the fact that
they're all-wheel drive

and rear-wheel drive.
You know what these cars are?

They're mullets.

Party at the front,
business at the rear.

- Was it the other way around?
- It was, wasn't it?

LAUGHTER

I've never had a mullet!

And also, it feels a bit wrong,
us making hair gags, doesn't it?

You know?

- Well, one of us has a choice
about their hairstyle. - Yeah.

But they are fantastic things.
Awesome super saloons.

Let's big it up
for the super saloons.

Now, the other day in the office,
we were having a debate.

What's the most versatile car
in the world?

Range Rover? Jeep?
The good old American pick-up truck?

Well, not according to Chris Harris,
because he thinks

there's one vehicle out there that
beats them all for versatility,

and he took me on a little trip

to its natural habitat
just around the corner.

Sri Lanka.

25,000 square miles of every terrain
imaginable.

From beaches to rainforest,
mountains to city sprawl.

It's where a population of more
than 20 million has chosen

one vehicle above all others
to tame this tropical island.

And I think they're on to something.

Welcome to Sri Lanka.
The beautiful city of Kandy.

- I know one thing about Sri Lanka.
- What's that? - Elephants.

- Can we see some elephants?
- All in good time, Matthew.

I've brought you to Sri Lanka
to experience one of the most

versatile forms of transport
on the planet, OK?

And what's more,
I've brought us one each.

- You've brought us elephants?
- No, I've brought us cars.

- It's a car show.
- OK, all right. - Here we go.

- What do you think? - You brought me
halfway round the world

to see a tuk-tuk?

I knew you'd take some convincing,
so we're going to go

on a little drive to demonstrate
just how versatile

the humble tuk-tuk is.

You have the red one,
I'll have the green one.

You're going to love this!

MATT SIGHS

Ah! A handlebar in a car.
Very clever.

So, they get the worst parts
of a motorcycle and the worst parts

of a car and welded them together
and there you have the tuk-tuk.

All right.

This...

..this should be awful.

I was going to take Matt
on a tuk-tuk adventure,

starting here in Kandy.

Along the way, we'd undertake
a series of rigorous tests,

culminating in an ascent
of the fearsome Devil's Staircase.

But first, I was going to prove
this is the ultimate car

to handle the chaos of the city.

CAR HORNS BEEP

Ha-ha! This is madness!

CAR HORN BEEPS

Great madness, though.

The tuk-tuk, then, named after
its distinctive "tuk-tuk" noise.

Isn't it brilliant?

BUS HORN BEEPS

Ooh!

Now, this is, of course,
rear engine and rear-wheel drive,

just like a Porsche 911.

Unlike a 911, even with tailwind,
this'll do about 40mph.

But forget performance, because this
is about brilliant simplicity.

Two cylinders, about 11hp
from its four-stroke engine,

weighs about 300kg.

So, it's economical and easy to fix,

which is quite crucial around here.

It's just beautifully simple.

This is the automobile
stripped back to its underpants.

Ooh!

OK.

My first impressions of the tuk-tuk.

Well, you'll be surprised to hear
that it's actually...

..really slow.

And noisy.

TYRES SCREECH
It... Whoa! It handles...

Almost tipped over, there.

It's amazing that something this
slow can feel this dangerous.

Are you kidding me
with these things?!

Honestly, can you think of anything
you'd rather be driving, here, now?

Literally anything else!

- Oh, come on! - Anything!

HORN BEEPS

Why is this guy beeping at me?

HORNS BEEPING

- Ah, shut up.
- I've got a solution, OK?

I know someone that can make
these things safer.

Safer? It's a deathtrap!

Not for long, it wasn't.

THEY CHANT

Oh, they've blessing.

Hindu tradition.

Round here, when you buy something
that's significant to you,

like a house or a car,

this is what you do to guarantee
its safe and prosperous future.

I like it.

I think it's cool.

Plus, we need all the help we can
get out there in these things.

This negativity is not going to aid
the blessing process.

I'm not being negative!

I told you, I like it,
I think it's cool. Yeah!

In a head-on collision,
how does the lime juice help?

CHANTING CONTINUES

With our tuk-tuks now apparently
safer than an armour-plated Volvo,

next, it was our turn.

Didn't know that was coming.

- Get him good, he needs
a lot of help. Yeah. - Thank you.

And with the ceremony complete,

it was time for
Chris's next bold claim.

It's also a sports car.

- No, it isn't. - It is. - No, it isn't!

It is, and I'm going to show you.

Because just down the road,
at a local stadium,

I'd arranged the perfect
demonstration.

Allow me to introduce you
to the sport of

tuk-tuk polo.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

This is Sri Lanka's answer
to Rome's Colosseum.

This is the ancient -
all right, not that ancient -

gladiatorial sport of tuk-tuk polo.

Two teams doing battle

for the right to be crowned
champion.

Each chariot bravely
manned by one fearless driver

and one bloodthirsty hitter.

CROWD CHEERING

OK, so we need to decide who drives
and who does the hitting.

OK, I'll drive. You're closer
to the ground,

you're better suited for whacking.

No, I'm a racing driver, I drive.

And you told me
you played ice hockey.

- You know what, I know how we can
solve this. - Go on, then.

- Oh, that's democratic, isn't it?
- Yeah, it is. I'm driving.

With three tuk-tuks to a team,
played over two chukkas -

that's halves to you and me -

we were almost ready to go to w*r.

OK, what's our strategy?

Huh? We need to own
the inside of the field,

lock it down before
the first chukka, OK?

What on Earth are you talking about?
How do you know so much about polo?

Look, I know a little bit about
a lot of things.

- I was just planning on whacking it
as hard as I can. - Good plan.

Ready?
ENGINE STARTS

As I'll ever be.

In charge of the action,
known locally as the Emperor,

was referee and, strangely enough,
coach of today's opposition,

Geoffrey Dodds.

OK, I want this to be a fair
and proper chukka.

So, with the crowd at fever pitch,
it was time.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Go!

We got it, we got it, got it,
got it!

Left-hand side, left-hand side!

MEN GRUNTING

With the game up and running...

Turn it, turn it!

..we quickly realised
we did have a few issues.

This is just going
to end up in a massive...

- CRASHING
- ..pile-up!

I've broken my mallet!

What with Chris's relentless
directions...

Keep going, keep going, going,
going, going! Go, go, go!

Stop, stop, go!

..the much more experienced
opposition...

- No! - No! - No!

THEY GROAN

Oh!

Oh, this is terrible!

..the fact that it's really hard
to hit the damn ball...

You just run over the ball, man.
Ow!

..and that when you do,
the ref is so biased...

Ridiculous driving.

That's a bogus call
if I ever heard one!

..he'll do whatever it takes
to make sure you lose...

Hey, no, no, no! Hey!

You're there! Hey!

Two-for-one at Specsavers, ref!

..yeah, it's fair to say
we were getting...hammered.

But as the game
went into injury time...

..we saw our chance and "tuk" it.

- That's what I'm talking about!
- That's settled that!

Woohoo!

CROWD CHEERING

- Well, I'm glad we got one.
- We did get one.

Well, I think
that was a very good first game.

What did you think of Chris's work
with the mallet?

I-I think it was good.

What did you think of
Matt's driving?

Um... It could be better.

You're only saying that because
I called you out on your unfairness.

Come on. Put you in position to
score I don't know how many times.

That's all I'm saying.

That's all I'm going to say.
I don't know how many times.

Six times, I do know how many.

ALL LAUGHING

It's not the winning, though,
it's the tuk-tuk that counts.

And with its sporting credentials
proven, the next morning,

it was time to leave the city behind
and go rural.

Maybe, just maybe,

we'll see some elephants!

Did you know

that Sri Lanka produces nearly 90%

of the world's cinnamon?!

I love cinnamon!

Bit of cinnamon in shepherd's pie

absolutely transforms it.

Remember that.

But we weren't here for cinnamon...

Here, elephant!
- ..or elephants.

We were here for tea.

Lots of tea.

We were heading into Sri Lanka's
famous plantations,

and my next challenge.

OK, time to show you the tuk-tuk's
next party trick.

- Haulage. - What?

The tuk-tuk is the ultimate
vehicle for moving

- stuff from A to B.
- MATT GROANS

To demonstrate,
we're going to have a race.

That, there, is a pick-up truck,
and those gentlemen are going

- to load 25 bags of tea into
that pick-up. - Uh-huh.

And we're going to load 25 bags
of tea into the tuk-tuk here.

Then it's a race to the bottom
of the hill, to the tea factory.

First one there is the winner.

- OK, so we're going to fit
all that tea... - Yeah.

- ..in here? - Yeah, simple.

It's like a t*rd, you know
we can do that. No problems at all.

OK, fine, I'm driving.

You know, for a tuk-tuk sceptic,

you're surprisingly keen
to keep driving it.

- I think you might be rather
liking it now. - Are we doing this?

Absolutely.

Three, two, one, go!

Roof first, surely the roof first?

Never going to fit.

- They're never going to all fit.
- Yes, they will!

Oh!

- Oh, God, they're done,
they're done! - Push it!

I want it known now, on the record,
that if we lose this,

it was your loading skills
that cost us, not the tuk-tuk, OK?

But while Chris was busy moaning...

ENGINE REVS

..the pick-up was building a lead.

- It's got to go diagonally over...
- It IS going diagonally over!

A little lower, a little lower.

What do you mean,
"a little lower"? No!

And with a lot of ground to make up,
finally, we got going.

ENGINE ZOOMING

- I think we're losing some tea.
- Oh! - There goes one.

It's amazing, it feels unstable but
it doesn't want to go over, does it?

I don't know, it feels like it wants
to go over, yeah.

- Where? - Everywhere.

Whoa!

- Did you hear what that guy said?!
- What did he say?!

He said, "Oooh!"

We're just not going fast enough,
we need a short cut.

And that's the beauty
of the tuk-tuk.

Even fully loaded,
it will go places a pick-up can't.

I'll keep my eyes peeled.
I'm not seeing many at the moment.

- Oh, this is the way.
- Why do you know that?!

- I told you, I know a little bit
about a lot of things. - Whoa, whoa.

- It's good. Get the power on,
get the power on! - I got the power.

Power's good, power's your friend!

- Right here. - Definitely right.
- Has to be a right here. Let's go.

So while the pick-up had to
stick to the winding roads,

we took the direct route
down the hill.

Now we are motoring!

This is making time,
this is definitely saving us time!

- This way. - Yeah, yeah.

And now let's get the wriggle on.

I told you, the tuk-tuk is
the ultimate vehicle for carrying

stuff from A to B!

And thanks to my short cut...

Pick up! Ooh!

..we were still in this race.

- There he is! - There he is!

Get out and get him, we can beat him
to the turn!

OK, here we go,
here we go, here we go.

Come on, baby. Come on!

Hold left, hold left.

- Come on, Matthew, come on.
- We've got it.

Find the gear, man! Yeah.

- We've got it! - What did I
tell you about the tuk-tuk?

- He cannot get past. - There's no way
he'll pass us on this.

And here we are, that is a tea
factory. Stop down there.

Next to do the unloading thing.
Let's go.

We're in here, we're in here.

That's it. Winner!

Whoo! We got them.

Good job.

City car, tick. Sports car, tick.

Load lugger, tick.

There's nothing this car can't do.

You're insane, do you know that?

But I've got to hand it to you,

and then more importantly,
I've got to hand it to this thing,

I thought for sure,
with all that weight on there,

we would have either flipped it over
or smoked the clutch,

but we didn't flip it over
and we didn't smoke the clutch.

So...I'm in.

What's next?

Oh! The Devil's Staircase.

I'm out.

Yes, the infamous
Devil's Staircase lay in wait.

But even getting there would be
a tall order.

The tuk-tuk's headlight is about
as powerful as a...

..Victorian candle.

And my windscreen wiper
doesn't work.

So I really can't see anything,

so this is as much
about guesswork as anything else.

I can't see a thing.

- What's this here? - BLEEP - hairpin.

The tuk-tuk driver, at night
in Sri Lanka, is at risk.

Matt, though, had other things
on his mind.

Did you know
there could be elephants here?

We're driving right by them.

You know they purr to communicate,
like cats?

How cute is that?
CAR HORN BLARES

Will you concentrate on the road?!

They're great swimmers, they can use
their trunks as snorkels.

And they hear through their feet.

And did you know they're the only
mammal...

- CAR HORN BLARES
..that can't jump? - God's sake!

When are we going to see
an elephant?

Will you shut up about
fobbing elephants?!

What has he got against elephants?

The next day, we reached it -
the Devil's Staircase...

..where my final challenge
would be off-roading.

One of the most dangerous trails
in Sri Lanka,

the Devil's Staircase is a 14km hike
over steep, uneven terrain.

A challenge even for a proper 4x4.

Conquering it would be ultimate
proof of our tuk-tuk's versatility.

Look at this!

Wow!

Proper off-road vehicles.

Who needs a Land Rover Defender
when you can have a tuk-tuk?

I told you the tuk-tuk would make
light work of this.

It's easy.

- CRUNCHING AND BANGING
- Oh!

BLEEP!

Jesus!

Right. So this is clearly
the Devil's Staircase.

And it was clearly no place
for a tuk-tuk.

What the...? Oh!

Oh! This is insane.

Oh, my head.
Harris, I'm going to k*ll you!

Think how it will feel
once you've struggled through it.

BANGING

Unbelievable.

Don't think he's very happy.

Go!

Come on, little tuk-tuk.
Do not let me down, please.

Oh, dear. That's harsh.

Right, this is...

I don't know how much more of this
punishment this thing can take.

This is an absolute
as*ault on the vehicle.

The gearbox, the engine,
the driveshafts, the springs,

such as they are, or were.

Ohh!

I've got a whole list of new noises
back here. Brand-new stuff.

Yeah, so have I,
not one of them is good.

But still, Chris led us
further up the trail.

Jesus! People live up here!

Hello.

No, I'm not for hire.

What on Earth...?

And while he was unwilling to give
up, his tuk-tuk was starting to.

Oh, my God!

And he's lost a gear.

I don't know that she's long
for this world, this little tuk-tuk.

Quite hard to tell what's going on
here, but I feel I've got

a bit of a puncture or something
at the back, something's not right.

I will not admit it to Matthew.

You've got a flat,
you've got a flat.

Yeah, that's a flat tyre all right.

Now, normally, I would be mortified
about having to change a tyre,

but this is the tuk-tuk.

It's the easiest car in the world
to work on, so watch this.

There you go. There's the tyre. See?

Such a clever vehicle,
doesn't even need a jack.

So I'll just tip it up
and you shove that underneath?

Yeah, I think that should do it.

- Yeah? - Yeah. - OK.

Up you go.
Wait there, wait there.

Wait there. A little bit more.

- No, Chris. - That's it.
A little bit more. - No.

You just wrecked my tuk-tuk.

You are such an idiot!

HE STRAINS

Do you mind if I just stand
and watch this?

- I can go back and get mine.
I know mine runs. - Yours runs?

- I'm sure of it. - So you've destroyed
mine,

- but you can go back and get
yours. - No, no, no.

- No, you destroyed yours. - No.

You destroyed this. I said,
"That's too far." You said, "What?"

Are you accepting any
part of responsibility for this?

I'll take... No. I won't. OK, fine.

WE pushed your car off a cliff
in an attempt to jack it up.

But more importantly,
had we k*lled the tuk-tuk?

OK, how close are you going
to stand to it when I start it?

OK, go.

ENGINE ATTEMPTS TO TURN OVER

Please, come on!
Come on, little tuk-tuk.

ENGINE NEARLY CATCHES

- Oh! - Yeah, yeah.

OK, give it a little rest.

That's enough. Go!

Come on, just catch.
One little spark ignite, please!

Well, it wants to. It wants to.

- Come on, baby. - It so wants to start.

ENGINE STARTS AND REVS SMOOTHLY

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

- ENGINE REVS SMOOTHLY
- Yes!

It's on fire. I'm just kidding,
I'm just kidding.

MATT LAUGHS

- Wow! Indestructible.
- It didn't even break the windshield.

ENGINE REVS
I mean, it's not as pretty

as it was before, but it looks...

Can you believe it?
What have you got there?

- Oh, look at that. - Hello. - Thank you.

- Where did he come from?
- It's from the producers. - Oh!

"So you believe the tuk-tuk
is the most versatile

"car in the world, now prove
it by driving to India."

- India?! - Hmm.

Well, but isn't Sri Lanka an island?

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I still can't believe it
started again. I can't believe it.

All right, we'll pick that up later

where things get a little drowny,
sinky.

But now, it's time to put
a Star in a Reasonably Fast Car.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
to the sofa, Professor Green.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- Welcome, buddy. - All right.

Thanks. Good to see you.

All right.

Now, you, you're
really into your driving, right?

I do like driving, yeah. Despite
the fact that I live in Lewisham,

and the most of my time
is spent driving between Lewisham

and Shoreditch, which means
a maximum speed of about 17mph.

What was your first car?

First car I had,
I bought a Polo to pass my test in

and got my missus at the time
to teach me to drive.

That must have been
good for the relationship?

We are no longer together.

LAUGHTER

But, yeah, no, I passed in that car.

But it was funny,
the first day that I passed my test.

You give your provisional
licence over

and you get given a certificate
to say that you've passed,

which I left at home
because I'm always losing things.

I got bloody pulled
over by the police, didn't I?

And you've got an old copper
who is half all right,

and then you've got the young copper
who is a complete knob.

LAUGHTER

And so he's trying to go... I give
him the story about, you know,

"I've left the piece of paper at
home. My licence has been sent off.

"I only passed my test today."

And he's like, "Yeah, but you're
Professor Green.

"Is this all you're driving?"

I wish he would have pulled
me up a couple of months later

- when I had my SLS and then,
I'd be like, - "BLEEP - copper!"

LAUGHTER

And as far as... Speaking about
cars, what do you drive now?

At the moment, I've got a G-Class,
G wagon. I did have a GTS.

And before that I had an SLS,
which are both lovely,

you're, like, quarter of a turn
and you're around a corner,

whereas a G wagon
is a little bit more laborious.

And I've heard that you do...
you write music in there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I come up with most of my ideas
in the car,

which my girlfriend hates
because I just listen to the same

instrumental over and over and over
and she's there like,

"Oh, my God!" You know what I mean.

It's as good as
Japanese water t*rture for her.

But I love it. And there's just
me kind of, like, humming along,

- coming up with ideas as I drive.
- Good for you. - It makes me happy.

Nothing makes me
happier than writing a good lyric.

All right, now. How did it go
training out there with Chris?

I heard you were...
let's go with confident.

No, I wouldn't say confident.
I'm just not scared. Yeah.

- I thought that was you. - Fearless as
opposed to fearful,

which is I think what Chris
probably was.

I'm not a good passenger anyway.
But, no.

You can't teach that kind of speed

and he demonstrated it from
the start.

Well, let's take a look.
I can't wait.

- Professor Green,
welcome to the track. - Yep.

You've not driven a mono gearbox
since when?

It's probably been about four years.

Well, at least you're not doing it
with a load of cameras on you

- and a TV audience? - No.

Or around a racetrack, where
the time is actually important.

- Let's go. Away and above is first.
- Yep. - Let's give it a go.

What's the fastest you've
been in a car?

- About 170mph. - 170?!

- Where? - Can't tell you.

- On the public highway? - No.

Now we're going into this little
turning here, which is quite tough

and this is quite slippery here.
You'll feel that.

Ah!

LAUGHTER

- It was fun. - It was going so well.

So when did you start
riding around in cars?

- I crashed a Mini Cooper when I was
about 11. I'm not sure... - 11?!

..who owned the vehicle.

You're not sure you owned it?!

Oh, that's quick. That's quick.

- GLASS SHATTERS
- That will be a landing light.

Keep going, keep going, keep going,
keep going! Good speed!

This is the slippery bit.
This is the slippery bit.

How much speed can you carry without
spinning? Left, left, left.

That's quite quick,
we might be off there.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

It's slippery!

You are fearless.

- So, you're going to go fast? - Mm-hm.

One thing I can't help
people to do is to not be scared.

- And you are quite clearly not
scared of going fast, are you? - Nah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, clearly not scared.

You know, usually...usually
when there's those kinds of spins

that many times, the people get...

- Nah. - You're cool as a cucumber.
- You've just got to let it go.

Easily the liveliest training
session I've ever been part of.

Lively, yeah, yeah. He needs a good
scare every now and then.

Yeah, it's good.
It makes you feel alive.

All right, now I've got to ask, on
your neck. Yeah. What does it say?

- It says "Lucky". - Lucky? - Yeah.

Is there a story behind that?

Well, there is. I've got loads of
like notes to self,

like, "Care less".

I should probably get "Go to bed"
written somewhere on me as well,

that would be a useful piece
of advice

at certain points in the weekend.

But no, "Lucky" was just, like,
you know,

things are bad
but they could be worse.

But, yeah, two weeks after
I got the "Lucky" tattoo, I got

stabbed in my neck.

- OK. - So it depends on how you
want to look at it.

Because not many people get poked
in the neck and live because of

all the mechanics. The bottle went
right past the carotid artery.

And if it had hit that, I would have
bled out in four minutes.

When I came out of surgery,

I said, "Oh, thanks for putting
my tattoo back together."

And the doctor laughed and he went,
"No, thank you."

And I went, "Why?" And he was like,

"Cos I knew where
everything was meant to go."

LAUGHTER

- So lucky you got it?
- So, lucky again, yeah.

I was lucky to walk away from it.

And, yeah, the only
people that have cut me

since have been doctors
and it's been professionally done.

That's more ideal, yeah.

Although, that...
that didn't turn out to well for me.

I had major operation complications

but you don't want my medical
history, this is a car show.

LAUGHTER
Yeah.

- Where you in like a bad car crash?
- No, I wasn't.

Some dickhead DHL driver...

I was having...

- LAUGHTER
- I was having two cars dropped off.

It was the DHL driver,
he'd been outside my house

for about ten minutes and the reason
why cars were being dropped off

was because me and a bunch
of people were going to do a gig.

The guy's been sat there for ten
minutes with his foot on the brake.

But the cars have got Eco,
so the engine's off.

So I come out, I go, "Mate, how long
until the second car gets here?"

He says, "Oh,
only a couple of minutes, mate.

"By the time I've done
the paperwork,

"the other car will be here," and he
kind of gestures to the paperwork

on the other seat. I said, "Sweet,
I'm going to run back in the house

"and grab everyone. So I've started
to walk, like, diagonally in front

of the car, back to the pavement.
A big VA bi-turbo.

I've just heard "Brrmmm-phhfff!"

What he's done is, as he's lent over
to get the paperwork,

he's taken his foot off the brake.

He's panicked, hearing the engine
start, and instead of slamming

his foot on the brake,
he slammed it on the accelerator.

Hit me... Yeah, I am proper lucky.
Hit me in the back.

I managed to twist, I think
this comes from my skating days

and learning how to fall over.

He hit me in the back, my first
reaction was,

"Get your hands on the bonnet,"
and I lifted myself up.

And I managed to get everything,
apart from my left leg out of the

way before he squashed me between
his car and the back of my SLS.

My lovely SLS.

He come out, like,
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

And the worst thing was
I was in shock up until that point

because when he said sorry,
and I saw he was crying.

- I went, "What the
- BLEEP - are YOU crying for?"

LAUGHTER

And then all of a sudden
the pain set in.

And then I got gas and air
from First Response

and the bloody ambulance crew
asked me for a picture.

I'm...
LAUGHTER

My leg looks like that.

I'm on gas and air,
so I'm off my nut, ain't I?

So I'm like, "Yeah,
of course you can have a picture."

So there's a selfie online of me

with, like, First Response
in the ambulance, like that,

on the gas and air.

LAUGHTER

All right, shall we take a look
at your lap, what do you think?

Come on, then. How did it
go on your own, how do you feel?

Do you know what? It got better.

But do you know what?
I'm not going to make any excuses.

All right!
LAUGHTER

Did you hear that?

Let's take a look.

Professor Green, off the line.

I wish I had my nan in the car with
me now. She'd absolutely love this.

I'm sure she would.

Braking hard into the second corner.

Look at that, he's pretty
aggressive on the throttle,

using the full width of the circuit.

How the hell am I meant to be
a pro athlete, like Chris Hoy,

who's got nerves of steel
and also motor racing experience?

Get your excuses out early, son.

I think this is a bloody set-up.

Again, very,
very hard braking into Hammerhead.

The direction change is good.

Let the car run wide,
let the car run wide.

Looks like he's snagged
third a bit early.

Here we go,
now we can floor it again.

This back straight
shorter than you think.

Why am I in third?

I can get up to fourth here.

Here we go, any brake lights?
Any brake lights?

None.
So that was good without a lift.

- Here we go. - Second to last, we had
a bit of grass here, didn't we?

Now, over the last corner, Gambon.

- Oh! - Woohoo!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Style points right there. That
was some style points at the end.

I'd love to say it was intentional,
but it definitely wasn't, yeah.

Yeah, OK.
So, who do you want to beat?

Shazia Mirza.

LAUGHTER

- No, Tinie Tempah. - You want to beat
Tinie? - I want to beat Tinie.

Well, I thought
it looked pretty quick.

It was definitely entertaining.

And it looked very confident.
OK, here we go.

Professor Green, you did it one
minute...

..40...

- ..six...flat. - OK.

That's respectable.
APPLAUSE

With similar conditions,

I'll take that. I'll take that.

That was fantastic. Congratulations.

- I mean, in those conditions,
that's... - It's all right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Professor Green!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK.

Now it's time to head back
to Sri Lanka,

where Chris's tuk-tuk had somehow
survived falling off a mountain

and we had been told to head to
a crossing called Adam's Bridge.

Our challenge - to drive to India.

The thing is, Adam's Bridge,

the 18-mile causeway that would get
us to India, was some distance away.

In fact, we needed to head
250 miles up island

to Sri Lanka's
remote north-western coast.

I feel pretty sure that I'd have
read about a bridge that

connected Sri Lanka and India.

You know, you worry too much.

We drove to Adam's Bridge.

We drive across Adam's Bridge -
thank you very much, Adam -

and we're in India for lunch.
What's the big deal?

But while I was upbeat
about our marathon challenge,

Chris, for some reason, wasn't.

- Hey! - Look, what is the matter
with you?

We were on the road, buddy.

And that's because after
Matt's hill-rolling antics,

my tuk-tuk was no
longer in the best shape.

Truth be told, it wasn't
the right shape at all.

- How's it feeling? - It feels 98%
broken, but it's still going.

It is shocking
that it's still going.

No thanks to what you did to it.

I didn't do anything.

You pushed it off a cliff.

Who changed the tyre,
close to the edge of a cliff?

Just because I stopped in a bad
place doesn't mean you have

the right to throw my car off it.

At some point
you have to accept some blame.

- I think what's happened is that
you've become slightly moody. - Moody?

- Slightly. - As I'm talking to you,
I'm getting lower

- because the seat is moving, can you
see that? - It looks kind of wobbly.

Anyhow, it's still running,
which is testament

to the brilliance of the tuk-tuk.

And thanks to that brilliance,

we were well on our way
to our destination.

Until that is, Matt brought us
to another abrupt halt.

Pull over, pull over, pull over!

- Shut off your engine, shut off your
engine. - Why? - Shut off your engine.

Look.

I can't believe it.

TUKTUK CREAKS

Shh!

They'll hear you.

Hey! MOUTHS: Big ears.

I hate to break this to you but I
don't think they're coming, Matt.

Why not?
This is an elephant crossing, look.

Hopefully it's one like on the sign
there, a mother and a baby.

Maybe it's two elephants the same
size with one further away.

Yeah, that could be true.

- But they're not coming, Matt. - Shh!

- I want to see an elephant!
- I know you do, but I can't help you

because I cannot magic an elephant
out of what is largely a beach area.

Why would there be an elephant
crossing sign

- if elephants do not cross here?
- I don't know.

I can't help you, I'm really sad
for you

but we've got to get going. Come on.

I'm very disappointed.

With no sign of Dumbo or Nelly,
Matt reluctantly agreed

to get back on the road.

I'm sorry about your elephant.

I want you to see an elephant.

But we are here to drive...

I don't think he's very happy.

But, then, neither was my tuk-tuk.

And limping on after Matt...

..it was three long,
painful hours...

Oh!

..before we finally
reached Mannar...

There's an elephant crossing,
there.

That's a cow.

..the starting point
of our bridge to India.

It's absolutely ruined.

The chassis flex is
so bad that I no longer need to use

the handlebars to steer,
I can just lift one up

and the other side up,
and it changes direction.

I've seen some rough cars in my day
and that's amongst the roughest.

- We must be getting close, right?
- We are really nearly there.

We're going to get
to the bridge for certain -

whether we get across it,
that's another question.

At last! We had reached the coast...

- Yeah! - This looks a bit bridge-like.

..where we soon discovered
that Adam's Bridge

wasn't quite what we'd anticipated.

This is Adam's Bridge? So what are
we supposed to do, swim to India?

We were.

Thought to have once connected
Sri Lanka to India by land,

Adam's Bridge is now a chain of tiny
semi submerged islands,

stretching out to sea.

So if our tuk-tuks were going to
reach India, then, yes,

they would have to learn to swim.

Combing the boat yards of Mannar
for anything to keep us afloat,

the next morning
we were ready for the voyage.

And while I had chosen the rigid
dependability of old oil drums,

Chris had raided the local beach
club for two inflatable hot dogs.

I'm telling you, I just don't think
that that's the right design.

How many oil tankers have you seen
that are inflatable?

How many big ships, cruise ships?
None!

Well, I also know a little
bit about a lot of things, Matt.

And you're living in the past.

This is the future.

Matt's tuk-tuk looks like he's just
strapped two North Korean

missiles to the side of it
and put an outboard on the back.

Whatever! At least
missiles are easy to launch.

OK. Now we start the motor.

That's what I'm talking about. See?

Easy. In the future,
on the other hand...

Right, here we go, then.

So, I will deploy my buoyancy A*DS.

That means lowering the winch
and pumping at the same time.

HE GROANS WITH EFFORT

Come on!

- Genius design. - Sure!

Genius design.

Finally afloat,
it was time to set sail.

India or bust!

A floating tuk-tuk.

Who'd have thunk it?
Huh? Tuk-tuks in the open sea.

- This is great! - I'm not really
a seafaring type of person.

I don't like the ocean,
I like swimming pools, cos there's

nothing in a swimming pool
that's going to bite you.

You know, I was born doing this. My
dad had boats, my stepdad had boats.

I'm from New England.
Everybody's got a boat there.

I can't get my posture quite right
and what's really amazing is

the front wheel actually acts
as a front rudder, so you actually

have to steer it with two things
which is a total pain in the arse.

Slightly shaky start aside,

though, the intrepid tuk-tuk was
once again proving its versatility.

And following the trail of islands,

our goal was the ninth,

the border with India.

I think that's the first island.

I think you might be right.

This must be how
Christopher Columbus felt.

Hey, Chris,
here's island number two, homey.

As we left dry land
even further behind us, though...

Right, heads-up -
we've got some waves.

..the ocean soon became a lot
more oceany.

Whoa! Let's get a little separation.

We are
going to feel waves over the barrel.

- Where's he going? - Whoa, whoa,
don't go too far out to sea.

This feels so stable.

Stay close to the shore.

Where are you going?

It's fine.

I don't know why I tried to help
him, I really don't.

Soon enough, Chris
and his hot dogs were in trouble.

Are you OK? That looks like it's
sinking to me.

It's fine.

Your front mudguard is now
underwater.

Yeah, I'm not sure this is fine,
actually.

A lot of water coming in right now.

It doesn't look fine to me.

I think I'm OK.

- Not looking good! - What?

- Can I have a lift, please?
- What, you want to get in my boat?

Do you think you can do it
quite quickly?

You've got my pants wet!

With Chris forced to abandon ship,

we were down to a single boat.

My boat, my design, oil drums.
I told him!

What do you think happened?

I think my inflatable sides

caught against the jagged bodywork,

which had become jagged because...

Because I pushed it off the cliff.

- Yeah. - But I didn't mean to push
it off the cliff.

- No, of course you didn't.
- It was an accident.

Yeah. I'm very sad.

All right, so what do you think?

Shall we give it a little blessing?

Oh, it's got a blessing, let's get
out of here, let's head to India.

I thought you said
you knew a little bit

about a lot of things
but your boat sank.

Well, that obviously
wasn't one of them, was it?

But while Chris still mourned
the loss of his tuk-tuk,

we needed to get back on course.

I think we're meant to be going
that way.

How did I become your driver?

Island number nine was the goal.

And we had to reach it.

What's that one there -
is that number five?

- I think that's number four. - Four?!
- Yeah.

It's going to take us a while
because I don't know

if you've noticed,
we're not going very fast.

We were now halfway, and with only
a few hours of daylight left,

there was still a long,
long way to go.

- You know that saying,
middle of nowhere? - Yeah. - This is it.

We are literally in the middle
of nowhere.

I cannot see another thing.

Alone in the endless ocean,
the hours ticked by.

# Yo-h*-yo-h*

♪ A pirate's life for me. ♪

Ha-haar! Ha-haar, me hearties!

What would win in a fight,
an elephant or a great white?

In a fight, where?

In shallow water?

King Kong versus Godzilla?

King Kong's a monkey.

Godzilla's a bloody dragon!

Godzilla's not real!

Top ten vegetables?

Favourite vegetable,
number one is broccoli.

My mother makes it in a little
garlic and olive oil, it's nice.

Green beans, spinach.

You know what's funny?

I can't remember a time
we weren't on this thing.

But still, we sailed on.

I've done 40mph
on a track in this thing.

I've been upside down on it.

And I'm now sailing it to India.

I was a sceptic at first.

But I've got to say,

the mighty little tuk-tuk
has definitely grown on me.

I've softened to it.

I was brought to Sri Lanka
to be shown

the versatility of the tuk-tuk.

You've brought me halfway
around the world to see a tuk-tuk?

To be shown why this
quirky little three-wheeler is

so much greater than
the sum of its parts.

This is about brilliant simplicity.

I thought it ridiculous to call it
a city car...

It's a death trap!

..a sports car...

No, it isn't.

..to call it a delivery vehicle...

- It feels like it wants to go over.
- Where? - Everywhere.

..to call it an off-roader...

Harris, I'm going to k*ll you!

..a jack-of-all-trades at best,
I thought, but a master of none...

..but...

..it had its ups...

We got it! ..and its downs.

There's no denying
the tuk-tuk is resilient.

CHEERING
Yes!

You know what,
however our voyage ended,

this humble little workhorse
had more than proven its worth.

And with the sun almost set...

..finally land.

- Here's nine! - Yes!

You know what?
I think we're going to make it.

Here we go. OK, we are
about to reach India...

..in a tuk-tuk.

- India! - India.

LAUGHTER

All right!

Come on! We made it.

And we're going to get arrested.

We made it all the way.

How are you? This is India, yes?

- This is India. - This is India.

We did it. High five.

We made it. Are we under arrest?

- No, no, you're not under arrest.
- Oh, good, that's great!

- All right, do you know what's next?
- What?

Let's find this Adam guy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We made it! We made it!

Even an ocean can't beat a tuk-tuk.

But hang on a minute.

How is that one here? Wasn't
this at the bottom of the ocean?

They're survivors, OK.

They sink, they rise again.

You see,
all you need is a can-do attitude,

and some help from the Sri Lankan
Navy and the Indian Coastguard.

- I mean, look, she's a beaut!
- Yup, yup.

You know, I was sceptical,

but I am sold on the brilliance
of the tuk-tuk.

I mean, it's not fast,
it's not elegant.

It's not...it's not a lot of things.

But most importantly,
it is not a quitter.

You're right, it is the most
versatile car on the planet,

aside from my Ford pick-up truck.
All right.

That's it.
No, I love it, I do. I love it, OK.

That's all we have time for tonight.
Thank you so much for watching.

We'll see you next week. Goodnight.