03x20 - Make Some Noise Season 3: Cut For Time

[bunniefuu]

- Cut for time. Enjoy.

[cheerful music]

- That brings us to round one.

A hedonistic house plant gets overwatered.

- Oh, Monday already?

[Brennan and Sam laughing]

Fill up the sink and
drop me in the sink, huh?

Oh, what if I was in the sink,

and then you put it on top of
me while I was in the sink?

Let me get it from the bottom and the top.

[everyone laughs]

[grunts] I'm feeling it in my roots!

Don't stop, you old chum!

Why don't you wet a
cloth and touch my leaves

as I'm getting it from
the top and the bottom.

[gruffly]
♪ Mm, oh holy night ♪

[Everyone laughs]

♪ My leaves are wet and shining ♪

[buzzer buzzing]

- Not the hymns!
- [Sam] Wow.

- I know you were half
British for a second

and then went full into jazz.

[Brennan and Jacob laughing]

[beep]

- Your friend who came back
from a weekend in Amsterdam

and is acting all Dutch now.

- Hallo! Sorry.

Hallo! [clears throat] This is insane.

[Sam and crew laughing]

[in a vague accent]
What is happening? Oh!

It was so unbelievable.

I was wearing wooden shoes.
I was eating the cheese.

I was having a whole lot of group sex.

Hmm, sorry, sorry.

It really changed my life.

- Hannah, you were there for three days.

- It was a layover. Yes.
[Sam and crew laughing]

[beep]

- A celebrity apologizing
for their last apology video.

- Thank you guys so much
for watching my channel

and really just keeping
a pulse on this space.

[everyone laughs]

I know that this video is coming

very soon after my previous video,

in which what I was wearing

was nothing, and I realize that

that took away from my initial message.

I do realize, I am again wearing nothing.

But to be fair, [sniffs]

I made that apology video
literally five minutes ago.

[Sam laughing]

And also, yeah, I shouldn't
have said the N word.

[everyone laughs]

[buzzer buzzing]

- [Corin] I shouldn't have done it.

I shouldn't have done it!

- Something tells me that
that was the substance

of the original apology video.

[beep]

A pre-9/11 airport security guard.

- All right, yeah, just come on through.

Don't worry about forming
a single file line.

Yeah, come through. Hold on.

Gotta stop you for a second. What's that?

Oh, it's a katana?

Sick.
[Sam laughs]

That is sick. Oh my god.

Where'd you get this?

The black market? Hell yeah.

All right, get out of here. Take this.

Don't forget this. All right!

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! What's that
clicking thing in your bag?

No, I gotta inspect it. Put it up here.

All right. [gasps]

An old timey b*mb!

[Sam laughs]

What the hell? How did you get this?

This is so cool! Does it work?

It does! Four hours remaining?

And where you flying to? LA to New York?

Okay, good luck! See ya, bud!

[beep]

- Your bop-it's instructions
are getting kinky.

- Pull it!
[Zac beatboxing softly]

Harder!

[Sam and crew laughing]

Harder!

Spank it!

[Zac's beatboxing continues]

[Sam laughs]

Smack yourself in the face.

Yeah.

Pull it.

Good. Oh, I'm done.

[Sam and crew laughing]
- [Josh] Oh.

[buzzer buzzing]

- Hey!

[Zac and Brennan groaning in disgust]

- No!

- It's space work!
- Keep your object work c*m

away from me!

[beep]

- An existential crisis

while playing peek-a-boo with a baby.

- Okay. Max, Max, Max!

Okay, oh, I got a game for us.

All right, you ready? You ready?

Huh, what's in this pocket?

Oh, what's in this
pocket? Two hands, ready?

Peek-a...

Hello?

[Sam and crew laughing]

Hello?
[Jiavani laughs]

Okay, very funny. Turn the lights back on.

Hello? Hello!

Okay, I saw "Bird Box"!
This is fine, okay!

If anybody can hear me,
I'm in alone with the baby!

[everyone laughing]

The door is locked! Oh my god, my hands!

Where did my hands go? Oh
no, baby, we're gonna...

[Sam laughing]

It was my hand!

[Sam laughing harder]

It was my hand! Okay,
pretty hilarious, actually.

You can tell your mom about
that when she gets home, okay?

Let's try this one more time. Peek-a-boo.

This isn't funny!
[Sam laughing]

[beep]

- Uh-oh, looks like the boss

just read another business book.

- All right, everybody,
gather 'round, gather 'round.

- Okay.

- You know what I think
we need to work on here,

is reaching the top of
the hot air balloon.

Now, I know that we think
of a hot air balloon

as something that takes us to the top,

but you want to scale on
top of the hot air balloon

so you can see your rise,

and together, we can get
on top of that balloon,

go up to the top of Earth's atmosphere,

get lightheaded, which is good,

and then pop the balloon
and plummet to Earth,

and then we splat into success.

No bonuses this year.

[Ross and Chris laugh]

[beep]

- Vic, as an order.

- Paint me like one of your French girls!

- Talia, like a tongue-twister.

- What did you do to paint me

[Sam and crew laughing]

as one of your [stammering]
French fried girls?

- Jiavani, played off by the
orchestra on an awards show.

- [stammering] Play me like...

[Vic humming officious music]
Like one of your French girls!

Oh, I forgot one French girl!

[Sam and Talia laughing]

[beep]

- A spy getting through

tighter and tighter layers of security.

- Hello, coming through.
Actually, this is my ticket.

Gotta clean the, uh...

[Sam laughing]

Something spilled here earlier.

Somebody cleaned another spill here.

[Sam and crew laughing]

[crew laughing]

Somebody cleaned another
spill here earlier.

Beep! [mimics machinery whirring]

Nasty.

[beep]

- Day two of your expensive new hobby

that you were so excited about yesterday.

- This is a personal call-out.
[Sam laughs]

Gonna stitch a portrait of my dad's face.

[Sam chuckles]

Um...

Let me Google how to do it one more time.

- As you know, embroidering
is really hard.

It's gonna take a lot of time.

But if you're really passionate,

you should absolutely do it.

So go ahead and embroider-

- Okay, pause.

If I'm really passionate, I can do it.

I spent $70 at Michael's.

- Sweetie, I just want to
say I'm so proud of you

for following through on
one thing once in your life.

- Thank you, Mom!

[Sam and crew laughing]

[beep]

- [Sam] A letter home-
- [Geoff] Oh my god.

- ...from the Great Thumb w*r.

- Gwyneth, I'm writing you
today from the trenches.

The men of the Royal Welsh Fusiliers

conducted themselves with
glory and with honor today.

We went over the top this
morning, over the knuckle,

[Sam laughing and Geoff groaning]

towards the quick, to
give the Hun what for!

I nearly thought he had us in the pinch.

Our two digits probed each
other from dawn almost to dusk,

until we got the better of them,

had them pinned against their own palm!

Of course, it was touch
and go there for a while,

until we returned to our own trenches.

We'll fight again tomorrow.

Hopefully this is the thumb
w*r to end all thumb wars.

[Sam laughing]

Until I return, I remain
your faithful betrothed,

Reginald Thumbington the Fourth.

- And-
[buzzer buzzing]

- Fifth Earl of Thumbshire!

- I will cut you off there, Ross.

- Gripping.
- Oh, boo.

- Sorry.

- Boo.
- Uh-huh.

- Get out of here!
- You know, they say it was

the assassination of Franz Ferdinand,

but it was just someone saying,

"One, two, three, four,
I declare a thumb w*r."

[beep]

- A tough cowboy recounts
his first time using a bidet.

- I know one thing more surprising
that a rattlesnake bite.

[Sam laughing]

We'd been on a long
haul full of Angus steer

coming up north from El Paso,

but there in the middle
of the prairie, I saw it.

Madame Bouvier's House of Rejuvenation.

[Sam and Jacob laughing]

Went into the water closet,
as those Euro-pines call it,

[Sam and crew laughing]

and I said, "Dale, you get in here!

I think I had a little
too much of that whiskey!

I'm seeing double!

There's two toilets, and
one's a little bit crazy."

- Can we hang you now?

- I was given to understand
that these were my last words.

- You've said several words.

[buzzer buzzing]

- And I will cut you off there.

Jacob was like, "I could see
Brennan going on for a while.

How do I cut this off at the pass?

- It's not my job to stop!

- [Sam] That's true, it's not your job.

- That's the man with the button's job.

[beep]

- Trying to cover farts with other noises

during an important presentation.

- And just to kind of...

[high-pitched and strained]
Just to kind of close things out!

That's just the nature of
what I want to bring to the...

[guttural hissing sounds]

Scalable, scalable! Just
make it more scarable.

Scalable! Scalable!
[Anna mimics farting]

And in order to, in order to,

in order to make sure we get that...

[Anna mimicking more farts]
Getting profits!

Getting profits!

And returning to the profits.

That's just a cute little
way I like to say it.

We want to return to the profits.

[Anna mimics farting]

It's more now. It's more now.

In terms of where we're at
profit-wise, it's more now.

[Anna mimics farting]
Oh!

[everyone laughing]

[beep]

- A hungry cat's Shakespearean monologue.

- He can't do this. There's no way.

[Sam laughing]

- Dost thou still sleep?

Dost thou still lie abed?

Feelst thou not my
gentle paw upon thy face?

I tell thee, sirrah, I
have stalked this house

the whole night long, and still,

when gazing in my bowl, do I
find it reverbing hollowness!

That I might break my fast
with the fanciest of feasts.

[Sam and Chris laughing]

To dry kibble, I say nay!

- [Ross] The wettest,
[Sam chortles]

grossest!

[Paul laughing]

I have mewled and whined for it,

and yet when thou place it in my bowl,

I shall stare at it, unmoving, judging,

simply for the fact that
thou hast made me wait.

You have messed, this
morn, with the divine,

to so cruelly hold thy food

from I, feline.

[beep]

- A dad who bet his life savings

on the other Little League team.

- Wow, Jordan, you guys
really pulled it out.

[Sam laughing]

You guys have been pretty
dysfunctional all year,

and seemed like you guys
were kind of coming apart

as a team and a group, but
looks like that new coach

really found a way to get through to you,

so that's great, that's awesome.

We're not actually going
to go out to pizza.

I know I promised that.

Financially, we're not gonna be able

to do that right now, again,

because you guys came over
your personal traumas and...

Jordan, it really seemed like
you guys were falling apart!

I gotta be honest, it
really seemed like you guys

were not gonna be able to get it together,

so dang, good job, guys!

You guys made it work!
So good job, Dragons!

Way to go, Dragons!

[beep]

- Captain Ahab vlogs about
his grindset mentality.

- Yar, what's up, sailors?
It's ya boy, Ahab.

We're gonna have some amazing
guests on the vlog today.

Ishmael is going to be here.

I've got some comments on
the Patreon this month.

So this is from f*ck.

LMAO, hunting a whale for your whole life

and never catching it, couldn't be me.

Well, it could be, f*ck.

[Sam and crew laughing]

The whale is a metaphor

for that thing you're
chasing in your life.

Last week, when we talked about Beth

wanting to open a wellness
center for herself, right?

That's her white whale.

You go, "I'll find that whale

and drag him down to the depths of hell,

the bottom of the briny deep,
even should it k*ll myself!"

That's the motivation that
you see people like Gary Vee,

people like-

[Sam laughing]

[beep]

- The too-long lead-up
to a question at a Q&A.

[Ryan laughing]

- Yeah, you in the front.

- My question is a simple one, of course,

and it will be a quick two-parter.

[Sam laughing]

What's the point of questions

when you don't really know the answer?

Do you mind if I take this?
- Well-

- I think
[Sam and crew laughing]

that your book, which
of course, fantastic.

- Okay, thank you. Yep.
- Of course.

And the horrors you went through.

So my question actually has
something to do with that.

Horror, knives, Freddy, Jason.

Halloween?

Prism, to see yourself.

In your book-
- Mm-hm.

- Pages.

- [Ben] What I'm thinking to myself is,

when I read a book, I'm by myself.

Did you write this by yourself? Stop.

In my head, you did.
[buzzer buzzing]

[beep]

- A CEO's crass layoff spiel over Zoom.

- No, I want the bigger boat, okay?

We're gonna be there the whole weekend.

I need the bigger boat!

- Sir, you're on.
- Huh? Hey, everybody, hey.

Um...

What's happening?

[Sam laughing]

Just wanted to circle back vis-a-vis

the email that I sent company-wide

in regards to the financials,

and of course, the staffing
and redundancy situation.

I can't count all the boxes on the Zoom.

Could be hundreds of you.

I'm being told thousands?
Thousands of you.

[Sam laughing]

Eh, buh buh buh buh buh...

[Zac and crew laughing]

It's not you, it's me.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Thought we could give it a shot

in terms of paying you and
giving you health insurance,

but I've crunched the numbers.

Beep, boop, boop. And it's just not...

It's no longer feasible for
all of you to work, full stop.

I do have to go. I have a massage.

- No, you have time.

- I do have to go. I have a massage.

[beep]

- That brings us to round
two, where our players

will now test their
talents in teams of two.

Which brings us to Lou.

- Now, Sam, don't you come
around here not having no prompt.

- There you go! And Brennan.

- [Sam] Jesus Christ.
- What? Dude!

You yelled at me! You left me
out there with my catchphrase!

You promised you would stand by my side!

[Jacob laughing maniacally]

- You know what I say to that?
- Yes!

- Nothing at all.

- Draw! Draw weapons
and fight me like a man!

- [Sam] Only one of you-

- You were banished from this show once,

and now I will banish
you from life itself!

[Brennan mimics g*nsh*t]
[Lou whimpers]

[crew laughing]

- He's off the show.

- All right, what's our prompt?

[Brennan and crew laughing]

- Sorry, I got a coffee while I was out.

[crew laughing harder]

[beep]

- The parole interview for
someone in Monopoly jail.

- Well, I've learned a lot about

where railroads can and cannot be,

and I think that I would
really take that with me

as a new citizen.

- I appreciate it, but I feel like

you just keep pulling the
go straight to jail card.

I've seen you six times.

- And with all due respect to the board,

there's a bit of luck involved, right?

Nobody chooses to pull
the go to jail card.

- I'm concerned about recidivism. I am.

- I don't know. It's pretty
rich coming from you.

You just get to waltz around as a top hat.

[Sam chuckling]

- Yes, I may have had a
fortuitous role early in my life,

and was able to acquire
some choice properties.

But that doesn't mean
I don't have to work!

Raising rent, that's not easy to do.

- Let me out of here.
All I want to do is play.

I just want to play! Doesn't
this game take forever anyway?

- Excuse me, Mr. Warden?
- Yes, one moment.

- You've won $500 in a beauty contest.

- Oh!
[Sam laughing]

[beep]

- A butterfly emotionally
reverts to a caterpillar

when it visits home.

- Oh, honey!

[Sam laughing]

- Hi, hi!
- There we go.

Wow, oh my god, it is so good to see you.

I'm so sorry your dad and I

couldn't come pick you up at the airport.

- It's fine.

- You need help with your bags?

- No.

- I'm playing tennis in an hour,

but I thought we could maybe
watch a show or something-

- Actually, fine. I do
need help with my bags.

- What do you mean?

- Can you help me with my bags?

- Yeah, okay.
- My wings are tired.

- All right, no worries.

Here we go. [grunts]
All right, to your room!

Just so you know, we put
some of the fitness equipment

in there just 'cause you
haven't been back in a while.

- What the heck, Mom?

- We're redoing the upper branches,

so we just needed a little bit more space.

- Can have something to eat? I'm starving!

- You're a chef. Go make something.

- I don't feel like
it! My wings are tired!

I don't know how else
to tell you that, Mom!

- Okay, honey, okay. Hey, you know what?

I got some maggots in the fridge.

Why don't we just have that,
okay? All right, here we go.

- I'm eating a lot of other
things besides maggots.

- Where did your wings go?

- Mom, I don't want to
use my wings right now.

- Out of your chrysalis, uh-uh.

- Mom!
- We're not doing this today.

Out of the chrysalis.

- Can you just turn on the TV for me?

- We got rid of the TV when
you were gone, actually.

You're watching a lot
of "Real House Beetles",

and I just don't think we need that,

you know what I'm saying?

- "Real House Beetles of the Forest"-

- I'm just saying, you come home,

and then you watch "Real
House Beetles of the Forest"

all the time.
- Mom!

- I'm just saying, we don't need it.

- It's the reunion! It's a
three part reunion tonight!

Andy...

- Andy?

- Andy's Cohen. I can't think of a bug.

[buzzer buzzing]

What's a C bug?

- Yeah, it would be Andy Cocoon.

- Andy Cocoon.
- Dang it!

[beep]

- Bunny the talking dog
foretells of great danger.

- Okay, Bunny.
[Anna barking]

What do you want to eat for din-din?

- Mama.
- Oh, okay. Um, interesting.

- Mama.
- Hmm, just gonna ask again.

Okay, Bunny, what do you want to eat?

- Fire.
- [Josh] Oh.

[crew laughing]

- Just gonna check your-
- Mama, fire.

- Okay.

- Mama, fire. Now, now, now, now.

- I'm just gonna-
- Mama!

- ...check your temperature, okay?

- k*ll me.

- Oh no!
[crew laughing]

- Wait, sweetheart, what'd you-

- Mama, k*ll me.

Mama, Mama, Mama

- Yes, I'm right here, Bunny.

- Mama?
- Yes?

- Mama, me, dead.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Okay, let me just ask
you in a complete sentence.

- Mama, love you.
- Okay.

- k*ll me.
- Okay.

[crew laughing]

[beep]

- A new bag of baby spinach

replaces an old, unopened
bag of baby spinach.

- Hey there, mister.

- First day in the crisper, huh, kid?

- Oh, sorry, mister.

You're kind of oozing
out of your bag there.

[Sam and crew laughing]

How long have you been
here? Must be forever!

- 48 hours.
- No!

[Sam laughing]

Tell me that's not true!

Tell me we get more time
than that in the crisper!

- I was once like you.

- Two days ago?
- Yeah.

[Sam laughing]
- [Jess] Aww.

Bright-eyed, fresh from the
Trader Joe's produce section.

They had high hopes of
turning me into juice.

But cereal won again!
- No, no!

I heard when they picked me up, they said,

"Oh, I'm gonna make a beautiful salad!

And if I miss the window
for that, I'll cook it down!

I'll cook it down, I promise!"
- Lies!

- What'll happen to you, Papa Spinach?

- I'll slowly liquefy and darken,

until one day, I am tossed, unopened.

- They'll do it soon, right?
They won't leave you to here.

It's far below your dignity.
They'll pull you soon, right?

- No, their shame will leave me in here

for maybe a couple of weeks.

[beep]

- Neil Armstrong and
Buzz Aldrin fan fiction.

- Well, we're about to make history, Neil.

- You got it, Buzz.

This is one small step for a man,

one giant step to finding Sherlock Holmes.

[Sam laughing]

- You know, we've lost a lot
of friends along the way.

That griffon.

A couple of Martians we picked up.

- The Doctor.

[Sam and crew laugh]

When we do this, all


[Sam laughing]

what we accomplished here.

Moon angel form!

[Brennan making magical
transformation noises]

- Full ascension.

- You're beautiful,
Neil! You're beautiful!

- They said that an angel and
demon could never fall in love

let along become NASA astronauts.

- Full ascension.

- Now that you're comfortable
in your true form,

I will show mine as well.

- Angel demon laser activation, commence!

[both making laser noises]

Take this, Doctor Robotnik!

[both making laser noises]

[beep]

- Anna and Hannah.

- Anna Hannah, Hannah Anna!
- Hannah Anna!

- Anna!

- Consoling your venting friend
who's clearly in the wrong.

- Tell me more about the breakup.

- It was really hard for me.

Like, I would yell at him,
and he would be like, "Stop!"

[Sam and crew laughs]

- So he wasn't listening to your emotions?

- And he was a really good listener,

and that was really messed up of him!

He listened too hard,
you know what I mean?

- Oh gosh. No, I'm so
sorry about the breakup.

- And then my mom called me.
- Yeah.

- You know, she-
- And we love her.

- No, we don't!
- Okay.

[Sam laughing]

- My roommate, like, paid more
rent than she was supposed to

and I'm like, "okay, shove it in my face."

[Sam and crew laughing]

- You told her, though, right?

- I told her, and I said,
Venmo me back the difference.

I don't want you to pay more.
- Oh, that's actually-

- That's really good.
Sorry, I was just here-

- Whoa!

[Sam and crew laughing]

- It's really good to see you.
- Whoa, I'm getting attacked!

I'm getting attacked!

I don't like this, I'm getting attacked!

- Do you want me to be mean to you?

- Honestly, what I'm learning is,

no matter what you do, I'm gonna hate it!

[beep]

- Saying goodbye to your friend,

but you're both going
in the same direction.

- Meal was amazing. Thanks for meeting up.

- That was awesome.
- I appreciate it, man.

- It was great.
- Yeah, and by the way,

I hope everything works out.

- Whatever happens, happens.

We should do it again.
- We should.

- Okay.
- I'll text you.

- You do.
- Okay.

- Please.
- I'll give you a text.

- Yeah.
[Sam laughing]

- Are you going-

- I have your current phone number, right?

- Yeah, you can just text me there.

- All right.
- All right.

- All right, dude.
- Take care.

- Let's have fun.
- You going this way?

[Sam and crew laughing]

If you're going this way, you can just go.

- Yeah.
- My car is actually...

My car is...

Take care.
- No problem.

- Good to see you, buddy.
- No problem.

- I love you. Hey, hello to the kids.

- Hello to your kids.
- Come on, man.

- Too many.
- Come on.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- You're cool with the
way we split the check?

- Yeah, that's fine.
- [Ryan] Okay.

- Down the middle is great.
- Just making sure.

I wanted to make sure that was cool.

- Which way you going, just so I know?

I can go either way, you know,

all streets kind of are square,

so I can always come back
to where I need to go.

- Yeah, I'm going-
- Good to see you.

[Sam laughing harder]

- Hey, honestly-

- Fine with how we split the check.

- I don't want to get emotional,

but you're like a brother to me.

- By the way, same

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Peace, bud.
- Hey, same. Tell Julie-

- Just go. Just go.

[Sam and crew laughing]

[beep]

- The moon and the sun's
conversation during an eclipse.

- You'd better not.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- [Brennan] Better not.

- Sorry, just kind of coming through here.

- Dude, you are such a
f*cking piece of sh*t.

- What?
- No one...

They're gonna think that
we're the same size,

and I'm f*cking a zillion
times bigger than you, dude!

[Sam laughing]

- Who cares? It's not a big deal.

- It's a f*cking huge deal!

Dude, if they look at us,
the light from my edges

is going to refract
and reflect around you.

It'll blind people that look right at it.

- Oh, well.

If you were closer than me,
maybe you could do this.

I wouldn't care.

[Brennan mimics solar power humming]

- Dude, just f*cking try that sh*t again.

Try that sh*t again, dude.

[Sam, Josh, and crew laughing]

f*cking hate you, dude.
I swear to god, man.

- Hey, you know, the bigger they are?

- What?
- The bigger they are?

- Bigger they are, what?
- [whispers] Harder they fall.

[buzzer buzzing]

- Solar flare, solar flare!

- Man, the moon is an as*h*le.
- [Zac] Yeah.

[beep]

- This man who showed up at your window

might not be Peter Pan.

[Jacob knocking]

- Wake up!

[Sam and crew laughing]

Open the door!

- Open the door?
- Open the door!

Please, pretty please?

- Hello?
- May I come in?

- Well, I suppose.

Wendy Darling told me about you.

- Ah, yes!

- She said a young boy came to her window,

floated in, and took her to Neverland.

- I can take you to Neverland!

- She said Peter was quite small and shy.

- Just get your passport
and Social Security card.

- Did you say get my passport
and Social Security card?

- Yes, precisely, and I'll
take you to Neverland.

Do you have, like, a key login
for all of your passwords?

- Mother has it in her safe.

- Yes, why don't you go get that?

You're gonna need your
passwords in Neverland.

- Can I ask-
- Yes!

- Where are you from?
- Peter Pan!

- What?
[Sam and crew laughing]

I have something to give
you, but I'm quite shy.

- What?

- A kiss.

- Let's not do that. Let's not.

- But Peter-

- I could get in quite a bit of trouble.

- Mother said a young boy
would come to my window

in the night, and I was
to offer him a kiss.

- Yes, well, that was in the 70s,

when kissing a 17-year-old
was pretty chill.

Now, absolutely vile.

- Peter, don't worry. I'm not 17.

- How old are you?
- 12.

- Oh, great!

I'll be leaving.
[buzzer buzzing]

[beep]

- The kiss cam lands on a couple

going through a complicated patch.

- Oh, we're on the...

- Oh.
- Ha ha! Mwah!

- Oh.
[Sam laughing]

Just do it for the-

- No, they're gonna
find a kid in a second.

- Do it for the camera. At least fake it.

- Hi!

- Hi.
- Just kiss the team.

Go, Bruins!

- Go, Bruins.

- Why are they still on us?
[Sam laughing]

Hey!

- Wow, they really-

- There's gotta be a
kid dancing somewhere.

There's gotta be a kid to cut to.

- Wait, there's one over there.

- There!

[Sam and crew laughing]

Cut to this kid!

No, don't join our shot!

[laughing continues]

Okay, okay! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

[beep]

- Good cop, just a little lad cop.

- Okay, look. You made a mistake.

It happens, okay?

We're just trying to get to the bottom

of what exactly occurred that night.

- [giggles] Bottom.

[Sam laughing]

[beep]

- This is a little minigame
we like to call Translator.

Josh and Zac, if you would do me the honor

of switching places, please.

- Okay.
- No problem, Sam-sei.

Here with my two
brothers, Brennan and Zac!

We're gonna translate some
bad guys back to hell!

- Our bad guys come from hell,

and we need to send them back.

- What could they be saying?

- Bad things about the bible!
That's right, brothers!

[Sam and crew laughing]

- For God!

- We're Australian Power
Rangers for Christ!

[Josh laughs]

[beep]

- That brings us to round
three, where our players

will now hold hands and jump
into the abyss together.

Detectives treat a crime
scene like an escape room.

- If he fell there, from this angle,

we can see...

There's a portrait of that little guy.

- Oh, there's a lock on this door.

It's like a four number code.
So look for numbers, guys.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does this do something?

Does this do something?

- I don't think, that's
not marked as movable.

- Okay.
- Hey, this isn't one of those

where people jump out at you, is it?

- Well, someone jumped out at him.

- Right.
- [Ross] That's for sure.

- That's probably the last of it, right?

- I hope so.
- Okay.

- Hey, I'm just glad I'm not
doing this with strangers.

- Oh yeah.
- The worst.

- Could you imagine?

- If we had some bozos here
from the 3rd precinct? Oh man.

- One time I investigated a crime,

and they just threw me together
with some other detectives

who happened to be there.
- [Ross] Oh, yeah.

- Wait, look at the names of
the presidents on the floor.

- Do you think that's a
clue as to who k*lled him?

- Wait. Washington, Adams...

- [All] Jefferson, Madison.

- WAJM! Let me try it on this lock.

- What else happens in escape rooms?

[everyone laughs]

[beep]

- Snoopy talks for the first time,

and he's super problematic.

[Petey babbling]

- Hey, boy. What's wrong,
cat got your tongue?

Boy?

- I think January 6th

was just people defending their country.

[Sam and crew laughing]

♪ Little birdie ♪

♪ Why you looking oh so sad ♪

[beep]

- An extreme reaction to your boss

getting everyone in the office donuts.

- [Sam] An extreme reaction
to your boss getting

everyone in the office donuts.
- Go for it, guys.

- Did you...

I'm sorry.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Did you go get us all donuts?

- Yeah, it's Friday. You guys
did really great this week.

So I got donuts.

Thank you.

- Hey. Hey, man.

Can we just take a second to appreciate?

You know, honestly? Everybody get in here!

I need everybody in the building!

Sorry, one second.

Hi, yeah, we're having an emergency.

[Sam and crew continue laughing]

I need you to send
everybody in the building

up to the 6th floor.

- [Lou] Are you doing something?

- Yeah, I'm running a billion
dollar corporation, man.

I got some emails. I got
some emails coming in.

- That's why this is so f*cking important!

This man runs a billion
dollar... [shrieks]

He runs a billion dollar company!

And he made time to get us donuts!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, don't you-
[beep]

- The servant's servants

in the secret basement
basement of Downton Abbey.

- [coughs] I'm sick of this job.

- You shouldn't be
smoking a real cigarette.

You should be smoking a butt.
Let me get it off the floor.

- Smoking a what?

- Smoking the cigarettes they throw away.

If you're caught smoking a
cigarette that's natural,

they're gonna freak out,
'cause we're lesser than-

- Jemima, don't look
so scared all the time.

They're gonna fire you.

- I made us a fun game.

- You made us a game?

- Yeah, we all share one marble.

[Sam laughs]

[beep]

- Juggling multiple
threads of conversation

in the group chat.

- Andy's bachelorette
weekend! Here we go, ladies!

- Let's rock this for real, ladies.

- I literally love each and
every single one of you.

- So I was wondering what we were thinking

in terms of accommodations.

- Now's a great time to remind everybody

to Venmo me for the decorations.

- Please Venmo me for the
T-shirts and party hats.

- So what are we thinking in
terms of where we want to stay?

- I'm thinking Airbnb,

and it needs to have an
infinity pool or I'm not coming.

Just kidding! But for real.

- Gif of Jonah Hill screaming like this.

- Missing cat poster.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- An uncomfortably long
silence, and then, aw!

- So does everyone know
Cindy's bra and underwear size?

- If you could all Venmo
me for the decorations,

that would be amazing! [giggles]

- Oh my god, LOL, JK,
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Wrong thread.

- Thumbs up.

- I couldn't find an infinity
pool Airbnb, but I could find

an abandoned apartment
building in Nebraska.

How do we feel about that,

question mark question mark question mark?

[beep]

- Good cop, post-grad cop.

- Just tell us where you were that night.

- I was at the bar for a little while,

and then I just left, I went home.

- Sorry, I gotta leave,

but my partner can take
over from here, all right?

I'll be right back. I'll
get you some coffee.

- Yeah, sure.

- Wow, I think it's so cool, actually,

because I was noticing that
there was so much activity

when you were first apprehended,

then some falling action
and rising action,

and I just noticed that the whole arrest

has had this, like, chiastic structure,

and I just think that that's
such an interesting way

to tell a story that reveals
so much about the crime.

- I was at home working on my paper

about Hegelian thesis and synthesis.

- Oh, that's incredible,
and also a little quaint.

- [Chris] What?

- I'm curious if you've looked at this

through a Žižekian lens.
- Hey, hey. Sorry, sorry.

Take it easy, take it easy.
- Sorry, sorry.

- Was he talking down to you?
- Yeah, kind of.

He said that my thesis was,
like, quaint or something.

- Mind if I take my shoes off?
- Sorry about that.

- You're not allowed to
say that. You're cops.

You're not allowed to
judge my academic work.

- Oh, you'd love it if this was judgment.

This is critique!

[beep]

- [Sam] Whatever Zac and Brennan want.

- Oh!
- Wow!

Can we do Mister Bean
lost his keys at an orgy?

- Hello! [squeaking nervously]

Hello! [squeaking nervously]

Ooh! [smooches]

- His butt?

[buzzer buzzing]

- That's pretty great, Josh. Pretty fun.

[beep]

- A "Law and Order" scene
where everyone thinks

they're asking the questions.

- What do we got here?

- Time of death?
- Can I go now?

[Sam laughs]

- You think you're leaving?

- What's your badge number?

- Yeah, who do you think you are?

- Yeah, who do you think you are!

- Who do you think you are?

- [Both] I'm asking the questions here!

- Okay, settle down.

Why don't you take a look at this badge?

- Why would I look at that badge?

- Hey, why don't you
take a look at that badge

and look at the name of the city on there?

New York. Yeah, that's
me, Bianca New York.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Why don't you take a look at this a*s?

This tattoo says NY law.

- So you're a lawyer.

- I'm the order, but I lay down the law.

- I'll be asking the questions.

Now, which one of you saw this
bagel shop owner last, alive?

- When did you get the call?
You got here awfully fast.

- Uh, 9:45?

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Oh! Look who's answering questions!

- Questions!

[beep]

- That does it for us here at Make Some...

Sorry. That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise".

Tune in next time for
more of the game samer.

I'm Sam Reich, and that sounds
pretty good to me. Goodnight.

[cheerful music]

[cheerful music fades]