03x14 - Two 'Wife Guys' Try to Out 'Wife Guy' Each Other

[bunniefuu]

- [Sam] Tonight, a dog wearing
shoes for the first time,

it's Zac Oyama!
[upbeat exuberant music]

[Zac panting heavily]
[Sam laughing]

[Zac continues panting]

Frustratedly passing dozens
of people on their bike,

it's Devin Field!

- On your left.

Come on!

Keep it clear!

- [Sam] And drunk and
ensuring she's getting

into the right Uber,
it's Victoria Longwell!

[Sam laughing]
For Victoria?

Honda?

Victoria?

Thank you.

- [Sam] They're all here to...

- [All] Make Some Noise!

[Zac howls]

[exuberant upbeat music]

- Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players have never seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- No.
- Yep.

- That's correct.

- Yes, it is true that
we have not seem them.

- They will, to the best of their ability,

fulfill those prompts.

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will go home
with the coveted Golden Ear.

And no, I'm not talking

about the James Bond
movie by the same title.

Players, are you ready to rumble?

- I'm ready.
- Yes.

- I'm f*cking ready.

- Zac.
- Mm-hmm.

- A business cat is distracted
by their own laser pointer.

- Okay, everyone, it's
Q3 and it's time for us

to get serious about what we're going

to accomplish in this quarter.

Q1, Q2 were really strong
for the company, and um...

[Victoria chuckles]

[crew members laughing]

We had a lot of growth,
[Devin chuckling]

and we maintained a lot of
our base, and it feels like...

[Zac clambering]
[cast and crew laughing]

We have uh...

I wanna say, we didn't
only grow as a company,

but we grew as individuals.

We grew on every sort of front. We're...

[Zac clunks on wall]
[Sam and crew laughing]

And our growth is not
only in the United States.

Where the f*ck is it?

- And... [laughs]
[buzzer blares]

Nine whole lives worth
of points for you, Zac.

- Aw!

- Aw.
- [Sam] That's sweet.

- Aw!
- Aw!

- [All] Aw!

- Devin.
- Yes.

- Welcome to the show, my friend.

- Happy to be on the show.

Please let me stay.

- An election touchscreen guy
on the group chat's decision

where to go to dinner.

- We're obviously a long ways away

from any kind of decision
being made tonight.

It's already 2:00 AM
here on the East Coast

at the Decision Center,
and let's take a look

at some of the front-runners here, okay?

Coming in at 35%, the ramen
place we always go to.

That's been staying high,

consistently performing
well in every precinct.

It's got a lot of cross-cultural appeal,

but coming in close behind,
of course, McDonald's.

We can't deny the pull of McDonald's.

It's doing extremely
well in suburban areas.

Of course, we do have to factor in

that some people just
went there two days ago,

so it's not going to
appeal to them as much.

Coming in third, I don't know, just pizza.

I don't know, just pizza has
been sticking around at 16%.

If we go in here, we zoom in further,

we see that that breaks down

into four different pizza options.

Put on a pot of coffee 'cause
we're gonna be here all night.

[buzzer blares]
- Damn, Devin. Good writing!

- Thank you.
[Zac and Victoria clapping]

- "I don't know, just pizza"
was the independent candidate?

- Yes, yes.
- [Sam] All right.

- A strong, independent voice.

- 55 points for you, Devin,

but those numbers are not yet official.

- I'll wait for the final returns.

- Victoria.
- Happy to be here.

Here to win. Thank you for having me.

[Sam, Zac, and Devin laughing]

- Hurriedly dropping your horror
movie child off at daycare.

- Okay, Lucius. You have your lunch, yeah?

You got the little phone for emergencies?

Break eye contact with me.
[Sam laughing]

So don't, I can't think when you do that.

Oh, remember, the teachers don't like it

when you stand in the
corner silently, okay?

So don't do that. Play with other kids.

Make friends, okay? I gotta go.

I will be back.
[Zac growling]

No. No, that's a bad start.
[Zac growling]

That's a bad start.
[Zac growls]

I will be back because the
court ordered that I come back

so three flicks of the holy water.

[Zac hisses gutturally]

Okay, Mommy lives you! [blows kisses]

- [Zac] I bite you.
[buzzer blares]

- 50 points that have
been dead for 500 years

for you, Victoria.
- Oh, I'll take it.

- Zac.
- Uh-huh?

- Just an honest-to-goodness
attempt at reciting

the Gettysburg Address.
[Victoria gasps and claps]

- Wow!
[crew laughing]

- And keep in mind, I know it by heart.

- No, you don't. Don't do that.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Fourscore and seven years ago.

- So far so good.

So far so good.
- Yeah?

- We learned-

- Ope!

[cast and crew laughing]
- All kinds...

We learned about all the different things

that happened here from the battles

to the peaceful times

to that one guy who
streaked across the field

in that sorta just carefree way.

[Sam and crew laughing]

We're men fighting for
the freedom of our country

for fourscore and even seven years.

[Sam and crew laughing]
- Nailing that part.

- Look,
[Devin and Sam laughing]

I'm about to take off,

[Sam and crew laughing]

but this was f*cking real.
- Wow.

- Abe Lincoln out.
[cast and crew laughing]

- Wait, where's he going?

- To heaven. He's going
straight to heaven.

- Let's say one point for
every correct word of that.

- Okay, so full score, yeah?
- Yeah. [laughs]

- Who was streaking across the field?

- That guy who rules-
- [Victoria] That guy.

- that we all love.

- So this was a valedictorian speech?

- Yeah, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Devin.
- I am still here.

- A judge "compliment sandwiches"

the defendant during sentencing.

- You may be seated.

[Sam laughs]

Before I read out the final
sentence to the court,

I just wanna say, you were
so punctual this whole time.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Every time I walked in here,

even if I was a couple minutes early,

you guys would be a couple minutes early,

and you wouldn't believe
how some people handle it.

I mean, they roll in
here late and it's like,

"Oh, I wonder how I'm
gonna rule on this guy."

[laughs] You know, but I am sentencing you

to solitary confinement

for the rest of your natural-born life,

but I did just wanna emphasize,

your speaking voice is lovely.

It has almost an Irish lilt to it.

I'm just so taken with that,

and I think that's gonna serve you well

in the Lackawanna Penitentiary

where you will live out your
remaining days on Earth.

Um, bang bang. [laughs]
[Victoria gasps]

[buzzer blares]
[cast and crew laughing]

Catch you on the flip.

- Jury's reached a verdict
of 300 points for you.

- Oh!

- Victoria.
- Happy to be here.

Here to win. Thank you for having me.

- A scene from the British period drama,

"Nothing Ever Happens."

- I've worn this hat before.
[cast and crew laughing]

And I imagine, quite
frankly, I'll wear it again.

[Sam giggling]

The tea today,

the same as yesterday,

the same as tomorrow.

[sighs] I've sent the maid

nowhere.
[cast and crew laughing]

She's in the kitchen. I
can hear her breathing.

A neighbor was supposed to move in

to the estate down the road.

They opted not to.

[Sam laughing]
[buzzer blares]

- Very Samuel Beckett.

- Yeah, I don't know.
- Yeah.

- 13 seasons.
- Thousands of BAFTAs.

- A point or not for you, Victoria.

[Players sighing]

[cheerful music]
- [Devin] Wow.

- Which brings us to our first minigame.

- Wow.

- This is a little minigame we
like to call "Make it Sing."

How it works is, players,
I am gonna introduce you

to an object and have
that object make a noise.

- Okay.

- You will then have the challenge

of making that same object
make that same noise yourself.

- For example, if you
had a little, tiny lion.

- Yes.

- We would try to make that
little, tiny lion roar.

- That's exactly right, Zac.

- [Zac] Yeah.
- That was the first object

I thought of as well.

- Yeah, yeah.
[Sam laughing]

- Me as well, and is
there a little, tiny lion?

- There is not, unfortunately.

There is, however, Malachai.

Malachai, would you come out here, please?

- Malachai's a little, tiny lion.

- [Victoria] Wow, thank goodness.

- Welcome! Go ahead whenever you're ready.

[cheerful jaunty music]

- Wow! [claps]
[cast and crew clapping]

What kind of umbrella is that?

[Sam laughing]

- This, I believe, is a crumhorn.

- Crumhorn.

- And how long have you
been playing the crumhorn?

- About 16 years.

- So that's 16 years' worth of experience.

Do me a favor, Malachai.

Go ahead and hand that to Victoria.

- Interesting.
[crew laughing]

Thank you.

So I'm gonna play this.

- Oh yes, you're gonna play exactly

what Malachai just did.
- [Victoria] Exactly.

And I feel ready 'cause I too have,

well, I have 17 years' experience.

[Sam laughing]
- Wow, yeah.

- So keep that in mind.

- She's just around the house,
wailing on that crumhorn.

[Victoria exhales sharply]

[crew laughing]
- Yeah.

This is gonna be great.

[crumhorn toots brightly]

That was a first note.

[awkward crumhorn music]

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Take this seriously!

- That really sounded like something!

- It did.
- Okay.

[crumhorn tooting]

[air squeaking]

- Okay, we mighta lost a
little at the end there.

[crumhorn tooting]
[air hissing]

- And then she gets it back just like-

- The grand finale.
- I think that was...

- Wow. [claps]
- [Sam] The grand finale.

- Oh, thank you. Wow.
- [Sam] Really well done,

Victoria.
- Wow.

Take that first bit.
- Here's the good news.

I'm only judging you relative
to our other two players.

- Okay.

- So Devin.

- I have 10 years of experience
on the bass crumhorn,

so I don't know if that'll translate.

- You're joking, but
Malachai did bring both,

and that's not-
- Okay, all right.

- It's a tenor. This is a G-alto.

- Oh, it's a tenor.
- Okay, well,

this should be a breeze.
[Sam and crew laughing]

[squeaky crumhorn music]

[high-pitched notes resound]

[jazzy crumhorn music]

[crumhorn music crescendos]
- [slaps podium] Whoo!

- [Sam] Honestly, Devin.
- Wow.

- No!
- Pretty good!

- I went somewhere, man. That was...

- There is a world in which that was jazz.

There's a world.
- It's this one.

We're living in it.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- Yeah, that was pretty good, Devin.

[crew laughing]
- Uh-oh.

- But you're about to see what 20 years

of playing the crumhorn-

- 20, huh?
- [Sam] Wow, humbling.

- All right, count me in.

- A five, six,

seven, eight.
- Seven, eight.

[cheerful squeaky crumhorn music]

[cast clapping rhythmically]
[upbeat crumhorn music]

- Yes!
[upbeat crumhorn music]

- Thank you.
- Wow, Zac!

[cast and crew clapping]
- Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.
- Wow.

- I think we have to say
that point goes to Zac Oyama.

- Wow. Okay.
- [Sam] Sorry, g*ng.

I do think that was the most spirited

of those three performances.

- Well, I don't think you know

what the f*ck you're talking about.

[Sam and crew laughing]
Sorry.

[lively energetic music]

- That brings us to round
two where our players

will now test their
talents in teams of two.

[Victoria gasps]
- Wow.

- Two?
- Zac.

- How?
- And Devin.

- That's two people.

- Two "wife guys" try to
out "wife guy" each other.

- Yeah, can we get two Blue Moons? Thanks.

Gotta take one back to my wife.

She loves a hef,

you know what I mean?
- [Zac] That's awesome.

That's awesome that your
wife likes Blue Moon.

I'm actually get my wife one of those,

it's a paper plane.

It's actually her favorite c*ck.

- Oh, wow, yeah.
- Yeah.

- I got Sandra a c*ck
class. We took a c*ck class.

- Yeah.
- It's just a nice,

it's just nice, it's
just nice, it's just nice

[Sam and crew laughing]

to have an activity that we
can do together that's not just

sitting and watching the tube.
- [Zac] Yeah, totally.

Yeah, yeah.
- [Devin] You know?

- That is nice, but I found
that lately it's just been just,

it's just nice, it's been just nice

to kinda listen to my wife
and do what she wants to do.

- Right, right, right.

- And sometimes that is sitting
there watching the tube.

- Yeah.
- And I've gone all in

on her shows on "The Housewives."

- Okay.

- I kinda don't watch my stuff anymore.

- 'Cause it's like,
"What even is my stuff?"

- Yeah, 'cause it's-
- [Devin] You know?

- We watch the same things.
- It's our stuff.

- And I'm like, getting it, you know?

- Yeah.
- 'Cause I'm, you know,

I'm there to listen.

- Well, that's so funny you said that

'cause Sandra actually...

I'm gonna cry. She...
[Sam and crew laughing]

She put on a one-woman
show where she does scenes

from the various "Housewives" franchises.

[Sam and crew laughing]
- That sounds great.

- And I'm telling you, man,
she becomes these women.

- Yeah.
- And to watch my wife...

My wife. Borat.

- I know.
- Nice, dude.

Stand in her power and just
entertain a room full of people.

- I gotta check it out.
- Yeah, check it out.

Yeah, check it out. Check it out.

- I gotta check it out.
- Yeah, check it out.

You gotta, dude.
- Yeah, yeah.

- You gotta.
[Sam laughing]

[buzzer blares]
- Wow.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- 16 points that are as
beautiful as the day I met you.

- Aw!
- Aw.

- [Sam] To the both of you.
- Aw!

- Stop!

- Devin.
- Yes.

- And Victoria.
- Happy to be here.

Thank you. Here to win!

- Two dog agility show announcers

cover the worst go in history.

- Welcome back to the
Westminster Dog Show.

I'm Cord Thibbleson.

- And I'm Patricia Palmer.

- Patricia, we've got an interesting entry

in the competition now.

We've got an Alaskan Malamute

going through the obstacle course.

- Named San Francisco,

and I have been excited to see this dog.

- Let's hope it's the San
Francisco treat. And off he goes.

And wow, okay.
- Okay.

- Wow, immediate nosedive
off of the starting block

just into the carpet
itself, it looks like.

- And now quite a stop for a clean.

You don't see that usually.

- Yes, lots of licking. Lots of licking.

- Honestly, profane.

And we're back up. San Francisco-

- We're getting back on track.
- is back on the track.

Here we go.
- Back on track.

[taps podium] Okay.
- Coming up to the first jump.

[Zac barks weakly]

- Oh!
- Oh.

Just standing on his hind
legs holding the jump.

That's one of the stranger physicalities

I've ever seen on a dog show.
- Very strange.

Honestly, it reminds me

of when you have approached me in bed.

Tentative, frightened.

- I suppose at this
point, we should disclose

that we are in a personal relationship,

as San Francisco's walking
over here towards us.

Oh, hi. Okay, hi.
- Oh, hi!

- Hi. Hi.
- Hi!

Oh, somebody's interested in me.

Somebody likes me and gives me attention.

Okay, San Francisco.

- You said you wouldn't do this.

Don't do this.
- I said I wouldn't do what?

How would you know what I
said? You don't listen to me.

- And cut!
[buzzer blares]

I like the backstory here.
- Yeah, well.

- The dog was a metaphor.

- Oh! Oh.

- [Sam] When you think about it.



- Wow.
- Oh!

- Victoria.
- Happy to be here.

[breathy] Here to win.
Thank you for having me.

- And Zachary.

[Zac mimics Victoria whispering]

- That's not what I sound like.

- A portrait painter poses a model

so they don't have to
paint the "hard parts."

- Wow.
- Stunning.

This light is really great.

All right, I'm gonna walk you through it

'cause the pose is kind of specific.

- Specific.
- Hands in ba*ls.

Hands in ba*ls.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- In ba*ls?
- In ba*ls. In ba*ls.

- In ba*ls.
- And away from me

so I see just this kinda part.

- Like this?
- Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

- Oh, okay.
- Exactly.

The way that light hits that,
we're trying to capture that

and sort of the depth that that-

- Oh, okay. I was just...

Yeah, I was thinking the
focus would be my face.

- Absolutely. It's gonna be your face.

Turn your chin. Sorry, actually...

- This way. Yes.
- That way, that way.

And more so, and you have to
move your feet a little bit.

- In which direction?

- So a little bit that way.
- Okay.

- A little bit that way. Great.

This is the other important part.

- Okay.

Where did you go?

- I'm putting a sheet on your head.

- What?

- The theme of this
installation is gonna be ghosts.

- Ghosts?
- [Zac] Yeah.

- I heard you were a genius,

so I've been dying to work with you.

- Awesome. Lights off.
- I hope I make a worthy...

- And...
[buzzer blares]

- Wow. [claps]

- That's all he needs.

- It's gonna be a great
piece of art worth thousands.

- 55 points drawn and then
erased for the both of you.

- Oh.
- Makes sense.

- Which brings us all the way back to Zac.

- Mm-hmm.

- And Devin.
- Wow.

- A man with the longest
Powerball ticket of all time

gets more and more excited as
the numbers are read aloud.

- Thanks for tuning into the Powerball.

It's 6:00 PM, which means it's time

to read out the winning numbers.

Pull out your tickets. Get ready.

And if you've got a match-
- Here goes nothing.

- you're gonna win $750 million.

That's the jackpot currently.
- Great.

- First number.
- Please.

- Seven.
- Okay.

[Victoria and crew laughing]

- 23.

- All right, we're going.

- Six.
- Nice.

- Seven.
- Nice.

- 14.
- Nice.

- 41.
- Nice!

- Seven.
- Okay.

- 52.
- 52!

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three!

- Four.
- Four!

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- Three.
- Three.

- 71.
- 71!

- 69.

- 69!

- 420.
- 420.

- [Devin] Three.
- [sips] Three!

- Three.
- Three!

- Three.
- Three!

- Six, one, seven, eight-
- Six, these...

- Three, four, two, one, six,
[Zac shouting excitedly]

one, five, seven, 14, 63, 75,


- Ah!

Oh my god!
- Five, 76, 77, 78-

- Oh my god!
- 79, 80, 81, 82, 83,

[Zac whimpering and shouting]


- I got that one!
- [Devin] 91, 92, 93-

- This one!
- [Devin] 94, 95, 96, 97, 98-

- If he keeps it up,

this could be it!
- 99, 69, 69, 69,

[Zac gasping excitedly]


- This is happening!

It's really happening!
- 69, 69, 69,

negative one, negative two,

- [Both] negative three,
negative four, negative five,

negative six, negative
seven, negative eight.

- The prime numbers. Three, seven.

It's all the rest.

Three, three, three, three,
three, three, three, three,

three, three, three, and-
- And?

- Three.

- f*ck!

[crew laughing]
- Oh no!

[buzzer blares]
[Sam and crew laughing]

- What an incredible button.
- Almost had it.

- 88 quintillion points for you.

- Oh!
- Oh, wow.

I was hoping for that.
- Huge.

- Devin.
- Yes.

- And Victoria.
[whispers] To win.

- A grizzled detective's
flashback to happier days

with his then-alive wife.

- Being this deep into a case

takes every piece of a man's soul.

- I know you say that, John,
but I just want a day with you.

I just love being alive so much,

and I'd love to share it with you.

- Sure, I'm seeing dark horrors
every time I go to work.

- Oh.

- But soon, this case'll be wrapped up,

and we'll be able to
take those four vacations

we always wanted to take.

- You promise?
- I promise.

We're gonna go jet skiing and paragliding

and climb Kilimanjaro
and just go to the beach.

- Yes. Okay, well, I'll
stop bothering you then.

Avenge that girl.

- I will.

- The worst thing that
could possibly happen

happened to her.

- She's no longer alive.

- [Victoria] That's right.
- Yes.

We're gonna be together
forever, you can me.

And if you were to ever die,

I would become one badass m*therf*cker.

[buzzer blares]

- I think that's a great ending point.

- What a thing to say to your wife.

- Let's say time is a flat circle.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

- Amount of points for the both of you.

Last prompt of round two.
- Oh my gosh.

- Okay.
- Wow.

- Victoria.
- Happy to be here.

- And Zac.
- [whispers] Happy to be here.

- I don't sound like
that. Can I talk to you?

- A matchmaker breaks the news

that their client is unmatchable.

- [Victoria] Wow, so I mean,

you have really stepped
out of your comfort zone.

And can I just lead by
saying I'm so proud of you.

- Shut up. [chuckles]

- [laughs] Okay, well, so
the thing is, is you went on-

- f*ck!
- Um...

[Sam laughing]

- Do you have scissors?

- Do I? Sorry, what?

- The yo-yo didn't work.
- [Victoria] Um...

[Sam and crew laughing]

Alec, there's really no
easy way to say this.

- Okay.

- I came to you and I
found 24 possibilities.

- Bunch of uggos.

- Alec!
- Uh-huh.

- And I came to you with them,

and likewise, I went to them with you.

- Uh-huh.

- You know, it's a hard thing to say,

but you know, the truth is, is you are

[skittishly] unmatchable.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- I'm un what?

- You're unmatchable.

- I'm un what?

- You're unmatchable. I'm
sorry, I can't get it out.

I'm, I-
- What?

- You're unmatchable!

- What are you, why are you
saying? What is that word?

- Alec!
- Yes.

- What are we doing here?
- Matching.

[Victoria and Sam laughing]

I think I hear what you're saying.

- What am I saying?
Tell me what I'm saying.

- We're gonna get a new round.

- Oh.
- 48 new beautiful babes.

- No. No.
- I like the sound of that.

- Alec, you're not hearing me.
[Zac mimics yo-yo dropping]

Alec, no.
[Zac mimics scissors snipping]

[buzzer blares]
- I will cut you off there.

This absolute jackass with a yo-yo.

- And that's what you're like.

- Zac was playing himself in that.

- I was finally playing myself.

- Let's say 30 hot points in
your area that wanna meet up

for both of you.
- Oh.

- Which brings us to our second minigame.

[Victoria exhales sharply]

This is a little minigame we
like to call If it Could Talk.

How it works, players, is
I'm going to present you

with a series of objects.

You buzz in and pitch to
me what it would sound like

if these objects sprang to life and spoke.

Does that make sense?
- Okay, yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.

- The category is, imperfect produce.

- I think all produce
is perfect, but okay.

- Paul, if I could have the
first piece of produce, please.

[Victoria gasps excitedly]
[easygoing music]

And you can go ahead and
hand that to our players

in order so that they
can take a look at it.

- Hm.

- It's cold.
- Oh.

- And whoever wants to buzz in

and voice that lemon is welcome to.

- It's a lemon.

- [Devin] It's a lemon. Mm-hmm.

[bell rings]
- Zac.

- [snuffles] Let's make some lemonade.

- I like that a lot, Zac.
- [Zac] That's right.

That's right.

[bell rings]
- Devin.

- I'm normal.

[Sam and crew laughing]

[bell rings]
- Victoria.

- Don't be scared of it.

[players and crew laughing]

Do it. Squeeze it.

Don't be scared.

- Oh!

- Firm grip. Squeeze.

- It's got a little bit of
like, a Cate Blanchett quality

or something.
- Oh!

- I think we're gonna say
that point in particular

goes to Devin.
- Yes!

- Paul, may I have the next
piece of produce, please?

- [Zac] Ooh!
[Victoria gasps excitedly]

Wow!

- Yeah, these get pretty gnarly.

- This is pepper?

- [Sam] That is-
- [Victoria] That is a tomato.

- [Devin] A tomato?
- In fact, a tomato.

- Yeah.
- Tomato.

- Oh god.

[bell rings]
- Devin.

- What's the matter? You
don't wanna look at my face?

You don't wanna look at my
beautiful face? Why you cry?

[Sam and crew laughing]

[bell rings]
- Zac.

- Let's make us some bruschetta.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Sort of the same voice as the lemon.

- Yeah, yeah. Sensing a through-line.

- Why do I sense a theme coming?

[bell rings]
Victoria.

- Eat me, please. Please eat me.

Put me out of my misery. Squeeze it.

Don't be scared. Squeeze it.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- I'm gonna say that this point,
once again, goes to Devin.

- Wow, cleaning up.
- Wow.

- I don't care for it.
- Wow.

- Paul, next piece of produce, please.

- Okay.
- Whoa.

- [Sam] I believe this is an artichoke.

- What?

- Okay.
- [Sam] Thank you, Paul.

[bell rings]
Zac.

- [wheezing] There was a blast!

[Zac squealing]

What happened?

[bell rings]
- Devin.

- So if you have any garlic and butter,

just put parts of me right
in that and it's good.

[Sam laughing]

[bell rings]
- Victoria.

- Dr. Lecter,
[Devin and Sam chuckling]

Dr. Lecter, tell me now what you know.

Squeeze it.

- Yeah, I'm gonna say that
point does go to Victoria.

- Yeah!
- [Sam] What can I say?

I am a sucker for "Silence
of the Lambs" references.

Last piece of produce, please.
- [Devin] Oh my goodness.

- [Zac] Oh my god.
- [Sam] Paul.

This happens to be lemon number two.

[lively upbeat music]
- Thank you, Paul.

[bell rings]
- Devin.

- [slurping] You thought you'd
seen the last of the lemons,

but we contain so many more secrets.

Reach into my tendrils and
know the true meaning of sour.

- Oh god!

- That's kinda disturbing, yeah.

[bell rings]
- Victoria.

- Pick me, please.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Me, please!

Pick me. Please, please!

- Oh, 'cause it's raising its little hand.

- I know, I, oh, oh!
- [Sam] I finally got it.

- And also, squeeze it. Yeah.

[bell rings]
- Zac.

- Yeah man, I'll kinda
go wherever you're going.

I'm just kind of hitchhiking.

I'm just taking a ride
to wherever you're going.

- I am gonna say that point goes to Zac.

- Wow, wow, wow. [claps]
- [Sam] Bravo, Zac.

And that is a minigame.

[lively upbeat music]
- [Devin] Wow.

- That brings us to round
three where our players

will now hold hands and jump
into the abyss together.

Zac,

Devin,

and Victoria.

- Yes, happy to be here.
Thank you for having me.

I'm here to win.

- Our three players all attempt

to "straight man" each other.

- Thanks for having me over, guys.

It's a lovely place you got.
- Yeah, it's nice, right?

- We love it.
- We just moved in. It's...

- Great schools in the area.

- Yeah, I noticed.
- [Victoria] Yeah.

- It seems like you put a
school in your basement.

- Hm.

- I just feel so calm in
a learning environment

and so I'm just like,
teaching myself French

and I kind of did up the
basement to go up with it.

Nothing weird.

- Nothing weird. It's all
pretty straightforward.

- Really straight-

- That's an incredibly
loud blazer you're wearing.

- [Victoria] Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

- And it's got some NASCAR patches on it,

is that what I'm seeing?
- Yeah.

My father was a NASCAR driver.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- And so that's sort of just
how I carry my love for my dad.

- Wow. Oh, that's so sweet.
- Yeah.

I know it's a little ostentatious,

but I just thought it would be...

That's the biggest hat I've ever seen.

- This?
- [Zac] Yeah, yeah.

- No, I'm glad you noticed.

- Ow.
- Oh, sorry.

- You think the hat is big.

He's also been barking
like a dog with it on.

- Well, there's a perfectly
reasonable explanation

for both of those things that I'm doing.

The large hat is part of my recovery

from a surgical procedure I had yesterday.

- He did. Yeah.
- It's a hemispherectomy,

which is when they totally separate

the two hemispheres of your brain.

- Oh.
- It's outpatient.

So the hat, as you can
see if I peel back a flap,

it's just ice in there to sorta
cool the cranial structure.

And as for barking like a dog,

it's also related to the hemispherectomy.

- Yeah.

- [Devin] That is a...
- Wow.

- It's an unfortunate side effect

of splitting the two parts of your brain.

- That does make sense.
- [Zac] Interesting.

- I understand you've prepared
some of the most bizarre food

that's ever been made for us to eat.

- I saw Andrew Zimmern
running down the street

away from this place saying,
"Too bizarre, too bizarre!"

- No, you know what it is,
is really one man's bizarre

is another man's just sort
of cultural food, okay?

- It's true, it's true.

- Your shoes are on fire.
What's going on with that?

- Oh, yeah. Whoa.

- Yeah, well, the Nike store
was having a fire sale.

- And I will cut [laughs]
[buzzer blares]

you off there.

- Wow, grounded.
- Wow.

Way to turn that into a game.
- Grounded.

Yeah, we found it.
- Yeah!

One point for each of you.
- Oh!

- Any more would be ridiculous.

- Yeah, that seems fair. Yeah.
- Okay.

- Zac.
- Mm-hmm.

- Devin.
- I'm still here.

- Victoria.
- Happy to be here.

Thank you for having me. Here to win.

- Three blurbs on the back of the book,

"How to Give a Book Blurb."

- You'll never believe this
is this book's first blurb.

One of the most important
blurbs of our time.

- Stirring, gripping, a thrilling
read from start to finish.

This book truly contains
everything you need to know

about writing a blurb
on the back of the book.

And I should know, I read this book

and then wrote this blurb
on the back of this book.

[Sam laughing]

- Short but sweet because I'm definitely

the most famous person
writing a blurb on this.

[Sam laughing]

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

- Wow. Oh my god.
[buzzer blares]

They got Dwayne!
- Holy sh*t!

- [Victoria] They got The Rock.

- Wow!

- [Sam] Damn, Dwayne read the book!

- He didn't. He didn't read it.

- He didn't read it, no.

His assistant did and gave him the gist.

- [Zac] He gave 'em, yeah.

- 25 "New York Times"
bestseller points to all of you.

- Wow.
- Wow.

[cheerful bright music]

- That brings us to our
third and final minigame.

This is a minigame that we like to call

Choose Your Character.

How it works, players,
is Zac, I'm gonna ask you

to come into the play area here.

[Zac mimics wind whooshing]

Thank you so much. Now-
- It's cold!

- Devin and Victoria, you're
going to enact a scene

in which you're playing
a video game together,

specifically in the character
customization screen.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Of that video game.

Zac, you are the character
on screen and so you

have to change physically.
- Yeah.

- Depending on what Devin and Victoria say

they are changing about you.

Does that make sense?

- [nerdishly] I've played
a lot of video games.

[Sam laughing]
- Oh my god. Okay.

- Devin and Victoria,

this is a video game
called "Golden Quest."

- Mm-hmm.
- "Golden Quest."

- [Sam] "Golden Quest."

Go ahead and take it away
whenever you're ready.

- I can't believe we finally got our hands

on "Golden Quest."
- I know!

Excited.
- Crazy.

Okay, first up we have
Borgon. Borgon the Gorgon.

- Oh. Big.

- He's pretty big, but I
think he could be bigger.

Let me extend the torso.

- [Victoria] Nice.
- [Devin] Yeah.

And extend the belly, of
course, 'cause you get-

- [Victoria] Yeah,
yeah. Gorgon sounds big.

- Gorgon sounds big, and
you're gonna want a wide base

to be able to fight off the...

[laughs] Right there.

- Does he get armor?

- Yeah, we'll encumber him
with a heavy armor class,

so just that heavy plate mail, yeah.

- Oh gosh, his tongue out.

- His tongue out.
- [Victoria] Tongue fully out.

- Tongue out. Yeah, let's
customize the face a little bit.

Big tongue, closed eyes.

- [Victoria] Yeah.

- [Devin] Open eyes.

No, maybe closed.

No, maybe open.

- I like open.

- You like open?
- Yeah, I like open.

- How about one open, one closed?

- Let me try one.
- Okay, go ahead.

- Okay, Jezebel.

- [Devin] Oh, Jezebel.
- [Victoria] Oh my gosh.

- Jezebel's good. Jezebel's sassy.

- [Victoria] Yeah, okay, yeah.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Devin] Yeah.

- [Victoria] Maybe like
a little, "Who, me?"

- They let you test out the voice too.

You could test the voice.
- Yeah.

- So let's just hear the, "Who, me?"

- Can I hear, "Who, me?"

- Who, me? [laughs]
[crew laughing]

- Okay, she didn't quite
sound that confident.

- Should we go higher on the voice?

- Yeah, maybe a little higher.

- Let's go a little higher on the voice.

- Who, me?

- Yeah, that's it. Good.
- Oh, cute.

Cute, cute, cute.
- That's good.

- And a big gown.

Big gown.
- [Devin] Big gown. Big.

- [Victoria] Oh, wow!
- [Devin] Oh.

- [Victoria] That's really beautiful.

- [Devin] The twirl action is impressive.

- [Victoria] Yes.
- Who, me?

- And I would like her to
have a big sword, though

'cause I kinda want...

Yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah, okay.

- Who, me?

- Oh, and I like that.

Like a baseball bat.
- [Devin] Yeah.

- [Victoria] That's how
I like a sword. Yeah.

- Yeah, okay, you're
Jezebel. I'm gonna be...

Let's look at this guy.

Oh, it's, ooh, Timothy,
the old-timey strongman.

- Oh.
- Wow. That's amazing.

I didn't even know they had...
- [Victory] Oh my.

- He looks straight out
of Coney Island, this guy.

Let's go ahead and make his
mustache three times as big.

- [Victoria] Yes!
- [Devin] Yep.

That's really good.

Wow, and now it's kinda
weighing him down, yeah.

- Oh, it says here one
of his special skills

is food competition champion.

- [Devin] Oh, wow.
- [Victoria] Yeah.

- [Devin] So he can eat
as much food as possible?

- [Victoria] Yeah. Whoa.
- [Devin] Wow, look.

Oh my god, he's-
- [Victoria] Big cob of corn.

- [Devin] Big cob of corn. Taking it down.

- [Victoria] Wow!

- [Devin] He is mowing through that thing.

- Yeah, okay-
- Oh my god.

The jaw action is incredible.

- [Victoria] Yeah.
[buzzer blares]

- I think I'll cut this
off there. Well done, Zac.

Way to roll with those punches.

That brings us to the end of our show!

- Oh!
- Our winner tonight.

- [Zac] Oh god.

- Devin Field.
- Oh!

- What?
- f*ck!

- [Sam] Devin.
- Yes!

- You are the recipient-
- Yes, yes!

- Of the coveted Golden Ear.
- Yes! Wow.

- Boo!
[Zac hissing]

- That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise."

Tune in next time for
more of the Game Samer.

I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.

Good night.

[cheerful easygoing music]

[cheerful easygoing music fades]