03x06 - Sober You Discusses Last Night's Receipts with Drunk You

[bunniefuu]

- [Sam] Tonight, casing
the place to rob it later,

it's Nick Mandernach!

- All right, cameras
there, there, there, there,

there, there, there, there, and there.

- [Sam] Scooching into her
seat at a movie theater,

it's Sarah Claspell!

- Kevin?

Kevin?

Kevin? Kevin!

My husband's in this row. Kevin?

He's not in this row. He's
not in this row, excuse me.

- [Sam] And a claw in a claw machine,

it's Lauren Pritchard.
[Lauren whirring mechanically]

Uh-oh. I'm in trouble.
[Lauren clanking mechanically]

- Ding, ding, ding, ding! Winner!

[Lauren hums a victory jingle]

- They're all here to...
- Make some noise!

[cheerful music]

- Welcome to "Make Some Noise",

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players have never seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- I don't know where I am.
- That is correct.

- I've never seen anything before.

- They will, to the best of their ability,

fulfill those prompts,

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will go home
with the coveted golden ear,

without which the show
would lose its balance.

[Lauren whistles]

Players, are you ready to rumble?

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- First off, players, a little
minigame to get us started,

a game that I like to
call Take Some Direction.

How it works is, I am going
to give you a line of dialogue

to repeat over and over and over again.

As you do, I'm going
to give you direction,

micro-adjustments, if you will,

in order to affect your performances.

Does that make sense?

- Absolutely.
- Affect.

- Nick, we'll start with you.

Your line is, with no
direction to start out with,

from "The Terminator", "Come
with me if you want to live."

- [casually] Come with
me if you want to live.

- [Sam] Sarah, a little bit more.

- [with emphasis] Come with
me, if you want to live.

- [Sam] Lauren, give me a little bit more.

- [dramatically] Come with
me if you want to live!

- That was more. Nick,
deflecting a compliment.

- Oh, come with me if you want to live.

- Sarah, demonically.

- Come with me if,

you don't have to, if you want to live.

You don't have to. Honestly,
I'd prefer you didn't.

- I feel like I have to?

[Nick laughing]

Lauren, after inhaling helium.

- [high-pitched] Come with
me if you want to live!

- Wow. Lauren just woke up all
the dogs in the neighborhood.

- I'm bleeding inside.
- [Sam] Nick, startled awake.

- Come with me if you
want to live! [laughs]

Go back to bed, babe.

[Sam and crew laughing]

No, just go back to bed.

- Sarah, as the name of the company

when answering reception.

- Come with me if you want to live.

[Nick laughing]

- Lauren, as an opera singer's warm-up.

♪ Come with me if you want to live ♪

- Wow, that was a warm-up?
[all applauding]

- You should see her show.

- Nick, coaching from the sidelines.

- All right, come with
me if you want to live.

[Sam laughing]

Come with me if you want to live.

Now, come with me if you want to live.

Hey! Come with me if you want to live.

All right, now come with
me if you want to live!

- Sarah, as a tennis player's grunt.

- Come!

With me!

If you want to live!

- Lauren, last but not least.
- [Lauren] Oh god!

- [Sam] As a tour guide telling
everyone to follow them.

- Okay, come with me if you want to live.

Come with me if you want to
live, and we're stopping.

If you want to live, stop.

If you don't, keep on
going through. Super!

- And that is a minigame.

- [Sam] Bravo, players.
[cheerful music]

That brings us to round one?

We haven't even started! Are
the cameras even rolling?

Nick!
- Yeah?

I'm a bully this show.
- Yeah, 100%.

- I feel like you put
on the jacket and you-

- I know, yes, totally. Totally.

- You stole my lunch money!

- A hashtag boy-boss.

- You know, a lot of people in this world

will say men can't achieve.
[crew laughing]

And I think that is so sad.

So to all the little boys
and very old men out there

who think that you can't rise,

who think that you can't achieve

any position of power in this world,

I just want to say, look at me.

[Sam and crew laughing]

'Cause where am I right now?

Assistant manager at the
soon to be defunct Staples

in Century City.

[Sarah laughing]

Let's go, boys.
[buzzer buzzing]

- It's time.
- It's time.

- [Sam] I like that a lot, Nick.

- [Lauren] So brave.

- Yeah, let's say 45 man points.

- Oh, thank you, yeah.

- Deposited directly to your man card.

- Hey, without a doubt.
- What?

- Can I get man points?

- Um...

'Cause I do have a man card,

and I won't tell you how I got it.

- You can have 78% of the man points.

- There's nothing in the rule book

that says Sarah can't have man points.

- Man points!
- Man points.

- Man points!

- Sarah.
- Mm-hm?

- A haunted house actor terrifies you

with the details about their job.

- I get minimum wage! Ooh!

These are my own clothes!

I didn't have to do anything to them!

That's right, I slept in these,

and I did it before I got this job.

They pointed at me on the
street and said, "You're it!"

And I said, "It? What is it?"

And they were like, "You
are the It! The clown!"

See, this isn't makeup.

This is my life.

Help me!

- Help her! Jesus Christ, help her!

- Money! Here's money!

- Thank you! [munching]
- I'm so sorry!

- Get the car! Get the car, I'm scared!

[buzzer buzzing]

- I love how she ate the money.

[players laughing]

I'm going to say points,
but no benefits, to you.

- Fair. Fair.

- Lauren.
- Why?

- Your period the day
before a tropical vacation.

- [gruffly] Hey, girl.

[Sam and crew laughing]

It's cute you got that little bathing suit

all packed up in your
little suitcase. [chuckles]

What is that, a white little
tankini? Cute, cute, cute.

Look, I wasn't supposed
to be coming around here

for about 7 1/2 days, but
you've been stressed, right?

[Nick and Sarah laughing]

[raspy laughing]

So here's what I'm gonna
do. Look what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna do a little push and a push.

You're gonna look like
you're an oompa-loompa.

[Sam laughing]

You're gonna pray for death,

and you think you're gonna
look sexy in the hot tub?

I'm gonna turn it into a beet salad soup.

[Nick laughing]

You're gonna be going down a water slide.

Someone's gonna say Jaws got
down here and ate someone.

Someone's gonna think
Moses is in the wave pool.

I'm here to ruin your
vacation. You know me, girl.

It's been 40 years.
[buzzer buzzing]

That's how mine talks.
- Wow.

- Does it always mention
the beet salad soup?

- Chunky!

- I mean, three points every month

for the foreseeable future.

- I felt those, ow.

- Which brings us all
the way back to Nick.

- It better!
- Oh boy. This guy's a lot.

- The COVID compliance
officer's spiel on a porn set.

- Look, I know no one
looks forward to this,

but it's super important.

The pandemic is still ongoing, okay?

And I'm sorry if that's not sexy.

[Sam laughing]

All right, now it's going
to be really important

that when you are not
actively engaged in fellatio,

that that mask is on, guys.

[Sarah chuckling]

And yeah, I'm sorry if that
doesn't make you rock hard.

Also, I want to make it very clear

that your condoms also double as a mask.

At any point, you can
go and whip those out,

put those over the ears,
on top of the ears,

and over the nose please, you guys.

Nostrils, you guys.

I don't know what kind
of magic condom masks

you think these are, but they
need to cover both orifices.

And I'm sorry if that doesn't
make you rock f*cking hard

and want to suck and f*ck,

but that's just the
situation that we're in

because of the choices that
our government has made.

It's a porn-demic, you guys.
[buzzer buzzing]

- I'm so hard right now.
- Oh, good. That's awesome.

- They had to give that
spiel to us upstairs.

- Yeah, that's right.

- Quick round of applause

for our COVID compliance
officer, everybody.

- So safe!
[all applauding]

- 69 points for you, Nick, because of sex.

- Oh! Dang.
- Tight.

- Sarah.
- Yes.

- Ms. Frizzle drafting a
field trip permission slip.

- Hello, Siri.

Draft permission slip.

Okay, good morning, parents.

Your children are going into the butt

and up through the big intestine
and the small intestine,

and I'm not sure which is first,

and we're going to figure it out!

Anyway, we're not just going in the butt,

but that's a big part of it.

The butt is a big part.

Make sure your children bring a lunch,

because they should not eat what we find.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Please, no ham. It coincides
with the butt smell.

- [beeps] I heard, "Children
in the butt." Sending.

[Nick and crew laughing]

- That'll work.
[buzzer buzzing]

- Let's say three casualties
and 45 points for you, Sarah.

Which brings us to the
last prompt of round one.

- Who's it for?
- I believe my notes suggest-

- Give me that prompt, Sam!

- ...that this particular
prompt is not for Nick

and not for Sarah, but instead for Lauren.

- What? What?
- Oh my god, congratulations.

- Thank you!

- A medication ad where the announcer

experiences the side effects
as they're read aloud.

- We thank you for taking
Orlampic. Orlampic is good for...

Some side effects may
include getting sleepy.

Orlampic is [mumbling] drooling.

Drooling may happen with Orlampic.

Orlampic may cause sudden eye crossing.

Orlampic might make
you... [mimics farting]

Oh god. [retching]

Orlampic may cause sudden
eye and ear blindness.

Oh god, oh god.

Orlampic may

[yelps] cause sudden head turnabouts.

Orlampic may cause... [mimics baby crying]

I wasn't even pregnant!
What just happened?

Orlampic, thank you! Works for me!

[mimic baby crying]

Orlampic may cause sudden...

[mimics flames]

Orlampic may make you go back in time.

Orlampic might make you repeat time.

Orlampic might make you repeat time.

Orlampic may make you
sound a bit Irish there,

don't you know?

It's all right, that's
the luck of the Orlampic.

Get it today. [chirping]

Help me!
[buzzer buzzing]

Help me!
- Lauren!

- I'm so scared!

- [Sam] Jesus Christ!
- But I lost so much weight!

I look so good!
- You look so good,

even though you immaculately conceived.

[Sam and Sarah laughing]

That felt like a Lauren prompt,
and it was a Lauren prompt.

- I'm so sweaty!

- Three points that persist
for longer than four hours.

- Oh god.
[cheerful music]

- That brings us to out second minigame.

This is a little minigame
we like to call Translator.

For the purposes of this game, Lauren,

I'm going to have you
switch places with Sarah.

Lauren, in this minigame,
you are going to play

our foreign politician speaking
in a gibberish language.

Nick and Sarah are going
to take turns translating.

Does that make sense?
- Mm-hm.

- I'm going to give you
a little piece of art

to get you inspired.

Paul, if I could have that prop, please.

- Oh! Surprised me!

Thank you.

- Lauren, take it away
whenever you're ready.

[Lauren speaking gibberish]

- This is the biggest key I've ever seen.

[Lauren speaking gibberish]

- And I am presenting it to myself.

[Lauren speaking gibberish]

- I'm marrying the key.

[Lauren speaking gibberish]

- For all I've done for you,

the least I could expect for myself

is to marry and have sexual
relations with a giant key.

[Lauren speaking gibberish]

- You always thought I was a witch,

and now I'm going to become a witch

who marries this key and
rides it around the town.

[Lauren cackling]

- The least I could ask
is to marry a giant key

and become a witch and
ride it around town.

[Lauren speaking gibberish]

- I'm going to be watching
every single one of you

and saying, screw off, I married a key,

and I f*ck it all the time.

[Sam and crew laughing]

[Lauren speaking gibberish]

- Voting begins tomorrow, and I-

[Sam laughing]

I would just remind you of
my many great achievements.

Thank you, and I cannot wait

to serve for an additional 12 years.

[Lauren speaking gibberish]

- Is everybody excited or what?

[Sam laughing]

[buzzer buzzing]

- I think I'll cut that off there.

[cheerful music]

That brings us to round
two, where our players

will now test their
talents in teams of two.

Nick.

- Sorry I was bullying you earlier.

- I appreciate the apology.
- Yeah.

- Sarah.
- Yeah?

- An ant giving another ant
directions through the ant farm.

- Oh yeah, so what you gotta do,

keep going until you hit glass.

- Okay.

- At that point, you're
going to want to go down.

- Okay.
- Don't trust that instinct.

- Don't do it.
- No, hit that glass,

you're gonna want to go up.
- I'm just trying to go home,

and every place looks exactly the same,

and I keep approaching someone else

and thinking I'm in a mirror,
and it's not a mirror.

Oh, is that...

Hi. No, that's not me?
- Hey!

Nice piece of sugar there, Dan!

- I haven't been home in 40 ant days.

- Hey, let's get you
there. Let's get you there.

So again, you're going to hit the glass.

- Hit the glass. Want to go down.

- You're gonna want to go
down. You're gonna go up.

- Okay, I'm gonna go up.

- Now at that point, you're gonna spin.

- [Sarah] Okay.

- [Nick] You gotta spin, right?
That's gonna be important.

At the height of disorientation,

I want you to just trust your heart.

- Just trust it.
- That's gonna be important.

- I want to go down. Is that the same guy?

- Yeah, that was Dan.

He's in an almost Sisyphean task,

hauling a piece of sugar
from one side to the other.

- Okay.
- That's just Dan.

[Sam laughing]

- I've got a wife. I got kids.

- Oh my gosh.
- I have a dog.

- First of all, congratulations
on dog ownership.

- Thank you.

- For our kind, that's a herculean feat.

[Lauren grunting]

You're gonna make up for those sins, Dan!

[buzzer buzzing]

- I will cut you off there.

A big chunk of a point
being carried by three ants

for the both of you.

Sarah.
- Yes.

- And Lauren.
[Lauren gaspsing]

Sober you discusses last
night's receipts with drunk you.

- Melissa, I just wanted to check in.

- Let's check in! I love you
so much, you're so pretty.

- No, I'm not.
- What?

- I woke up one minute ago.

[Lauren groaning]

Did I put my hair in spaghetti? Okay.

- Are you mad at me? You're mad at me!

- I am, but-
[Lauren pukes]

Oh no! No, no, stop, please!

- Hey, excuse me, sorry.
You ordered that brine?

- I ordered that brine?

- We were gonna make pickles!

[Sam and crew laughing]

We were gonna make pickles so
good you could quit your job!

- No!

- We're gonna be Pickles Company Co!

- No, we're the CEO of Google!

We don't need to quit a job!

We need to get to work, okay?
- Okay, okay.

- And were is the car, and
where are all of my pants?

- Oh no! My vulva's out!
- Yeah.

- [Lauren] I'm so sorry!
- [Sarah] Yeah!

- If we find my vulva,
we're find your Volvo.

- Sorry, you ordered that brine?

- Yeah!
- Oh no!

[buzzer buzzing]

[Sarah and Lauren shouting incoherently]

- As we all know, comedy
comes in two brine deliveries.

I gotta say, I worry about
the future of Google.

- Oh, you know, it's fine.

- We're gonna make pickles so
good you can quit your job!

- A round of points for you both on me.

- Okay!

- Lauren.
- Yeah!

- And Nick.
- Hey, I know this guy!

- Wood cop, ventriloquist cop.

- Now listen to me.

That girl needs to come home,

and she needs to come home today.

- Right now, I tell you!
Right now, or she gets it!

- Listen, Craner isn't kidding, all right?

And I can control him for just so long

until he goes flying right off the handle.

- I'm gonna lose it on a b*tch!

- Do you hear that?

You think I'm controlling this doll?

I'm holding it back!

This doll is violent.

He's been kicked off the force four times.

- I didn't do nothin'!

- You didn't do nothing?

- Let me at her!
- Craner! No, Craner!

You know why they call him Craner?

- 'Cause I crane your neck
till you're dead, I do.

- 'Cause he cranes your necks
till you're dead, he does.

- What'd you call me in for?

- The girl! Jesus Christ!
- The girl's missing,

but we found her bloody
clothes in your car!

- Yeah, the tiny little
tuxedo. Yeah, it had to be you.

- Yeah, there's no one else
who fits that description.

I wear overalls.
- That's exactly right.

- Holy sh*t!
[buzzer buzzing]

The worldbuilding!

- I forgot ventriloquism is,

so I was mouthing your mouth for a second.

- That's the opposite of
what ventriloquists do.



which brings us all the
way back to Nick and Sarah.

- Sam, I think when I
was bullying you earlier-

- Mm-hm?

- I think I was just kind of
enacting some weird power play,

trying to get it back for myself.

- For sure.

- I don't need power like that.

- Cool, so we're kind of
in a redemption arc now?

[Sam laughing]

- Kiss, kiss, kiss!
- Kiss, kiss, kiss!

- A recently divorced couple
still has to do that TED Talk.

- Let's talk about keeping
a marriage together.

- Let's talk about it!

- Hey, you know something?
Let's talk about it.

- As this first slide says,

you gotta be nice to your partner

and stop being an idiot, okay?

- It should be easy to do.
But you know something?

Sometimes things happen that make it

really hard to be nice and not an idiot.

Actually, sometimes there
are things that people can do

that make that almost
functionally impossible.

I'll give you an example for that.

- I'd love for you to do so.

- And that's when you get
a new roll of toilet paper-

- Yeah!
- ...and then your partner

just uses four little
squares and then puts it

onto the bathroom counter
and not back onto the roll.

Do people know what I'm talking about?

- Yeah.

- Do people know what I'm talking about?

- Good, I'm glad you do,

because you're all probably
busy people who have sh*t to do.

Maybe you have a job, okay?

Maybe you have a job that
occupies a lot of your time.

- And I'm sorry, but being the partner

of a professional TED Talker is a job!

- Okay, okay. Yeah.
- It is a job.

Cool, let's look at our next slide,

and that just says, "Take me back."

- Okay, here's where we're at,

the part of the talk where
we don't follow advice.

- Let's just go onto the next slide.

Let's just go onto the next slide.

- Okay. Plan a vacation.

- Plan a vacation, you guys! You gotta!

- You gotta make some
time for your partner.

- And you can't take
them for granted, okay?

- You know, you really can't,

because sometimes you
want to go on vacation,

and you haven't prioritized
it in your life,

and you've decided that
maybe your own needs

are more important than the
needs [gasps] of a couple!

Oh my god!

- I have not been nice
and I have been an idiot.

- No, I've been an idiot
and I've been not nice!

- Let's go back to slide
two. You take me back!

You take me back! You take me back!

- [Nick] I take you back!
[buzzer buzzing]

And that's how a marriage works.

- That's how it works.

- That's how a marriage works, you guys.

That's how you keep it together.

- Oh, that was all part of it.

- Yeah, we're still divorced.
- We're still divorced.

- We are still thoroughly divorced.

- I mean, that was better
than a lot of TED Talks.

- And I hope everybody learned something.

- [Sam] Yeah, I really did.
- I learned a lot,

about not getting married.

- A "the key is communication"
amount of points

for the both of you.
- Oh!

- Sarah and Lauren.
- [gasps] Yay!

- Listing 50 states while
trying to trip each other up.

- Okay, Alabama.

- Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California,

Colorado, Connecticut,
Delaware, Florida, Georgia.

Look over there!

[speaking incoherently over each other]

Indiana, Iowa, Kansas,
Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts?

- Oh my gosh, your shirt is so cute!

- Virginia! Washington!

Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland,

Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota-

- Mississippi, Missouri,
Indiana, Nebraska, Nevada-

[both mumbling]

- Look! There's something on the floor!

♪ Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon ♪

♪ Rhode Island, South
Carolina, South Dakota ♪

♪ Tennessee, Texas ♪

♪ Utah, Vermont, Virginia ♪

- [Both] Washington,
West Virginia, Wisconsin!

♪ Wyoming ♪

- I wanted you to win.

Why?!

- No!
- Nick. Nick did it.

[Lauren sobbing]

- I can't win now! [sobbing]

It's where all my points are!

- They just spilled on out.

- That was really impressive on both your-

- She is strong!

- I know like four states.
I was trying to play along.

- Oh wait, I'm sorry, that was
actually for Lauren and Nick.

- Oh my god!

- Last season I forgot North Dakota,

which is where I lived
when I learned that.

- Oh, you skipped it.
- I skipped it accidentally

because my brain was like,
don't put the heat on it.

- And now we're going to do the song

with only singing North Dakota.

♪ North Dakota, North Dakota,
North Dakota, North Dakota ♪

- Would you like to
apologize to North Dakota?

- All right.

North Dakota, I completely skipped you

because when I learned
how to do all 50 states

in alphabetical order, I
lived in Minot, North Dakota.

The term is, "Why not Minot?"
I'll tell you why not.

All that's there is snow,
ice, and an Air Force base,

that's it, and a Target that
I got lost in, and it was bad.

- And North Dakota, I
also owe you an apology.

[Sam laughing]

- Yeah, let's say 50 points for you both.

- Ooh!
- Love it, wow.

- [Sam] Why not? Seems
like a nice round number.

- 50 points!

- And finally, the last
prompt of round two. Lauren.

- Huh? Why?
- And Nick.

- Hey, Sam.
- [Lauren] Uh-oh.

- When I apologized to
you for bullying to you-

- Oh no.

- ...that put a lot of
emotional weight on you.

- Yeah.

- I wasn't just doing it for you.

I was doing it to make myself feel better.

- [Sam] Thank you for saying-

- So I'm really sorry about that.

- Your emotional growth this episode

has been nothing short of remarkable.

I think I speak for myself,

as well as the other contestants here,

when I say, good for you.

- Oh wow, thanks. Thank you, thank you.

- Good for you, bud.

- "Speed" but a paralegal can't type

less than 50 words per minute.

- All right, here's the deal.

There's a b*mb beneath your MacBook,

and I need you to keep
typing every word I say

as fast as you legally can.

I am an FBI agent.

Different movie, but same vibe, all right?

- It's not possible. I can't
keep going at this speed.

- I need you to clear out of here.

You, pregnant lady! You,
small, scared child!

Old man over there! All clear out!

We need this whole area
secure! Keep typing!

- There's only one problem.
- Huh?

- I'm not committed to my job.
- But you're so pretty!

- Thank you.
- You're so good-looking.

- That's kind of you to say but, like,

I'm gonna check my cell
phone, I gotta check it!

- Space bar, space bar, space bar!

- I've gotta text out about plans tonight!

I've gotta text out!
- Don't you do it!

Don't you do it!

No!

No!

[Sarah and Lauren mimic explosions]

- My brains!
- Skid, skid, skid, skid.

No! [mimics expl*si*n]
- Whoa!

- So that's the importance
of keeping your cell phone

in your pocket at work, you guys.

- That's our HR message to you today.

- That presentation cost
us $20 million to create.

- Thank you to Keanu Reeves, everybody!

[buzzer buzzing]

- Keanu Reeves! Let's hear it for Keanu!

- [Sam] Wow!
- That was our whole budget.

- What a twist.

- I can't believe you got Keanu Reeves!

- Let's say 50 points per minute.

- Ooh!
[cheerful music]

- That brings us to our
third and final minigame.

This is a minigame we like to call,

Who Are You Supposed To Be?

How it works, players, is when I say go,

you are going to race over to
this trunk of costume items,

put on whatever you like,
race back to your podium,

buzz in, and pitch me who
you're supposed to be.

Does that make sense?
- Yeah.

- Great. On your mark, get set, transform!

[cheerful music]

- Okay, okay,
[buzzer dings]

- Nick.

- I'm a guy from the movie "Alien"

but if the alien was a tambourine.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- [Sam] So little costume for
so much explanation, Nick.

- Thank you.
[buzzer dings]

- Lauren.
- I'm the Grinch hunter.

Turns out all he needed
was a couple of buckshots

to take him down, and look at that,

I got a nice pelt for Christmas.

- Oh sh*t.
[buzzer dings]

Sarah.
- I'm a king crab.

- Oh!
[crew laughing]

If you think I'm above puns, I'm not.

- [Sam] I like that a lot.
[buzzer ding] Nick.

- I'm an HR representative
paying Keanu Reeves $20 million.

[Sam and Sarah laughing]

[buzzer dings]
- Lauren.

- I'm Jennifer Christ,

Jesus's sister that no
one ever talks about.

Like, you know, second
born. Middle kid syndrome.

Anyway, I'll turn your
candy into wine or whatever.

- The dollar store version.
I like it a lot, Lauren.

- [Sam] Oh god!
[buzzer dings]

Nick.
- I'm if the movie "Alien"

but the movie "Alien" was a fig leaf.

[Sam laughing]

And trick or treat and
happy Halloween to you, sir.

- Wow, Nick. Yeah, I mean, it's an entry.

[buzzer dings]
Lauren.

- [gruffly] Hey look,
I'm your fairy godmother,

and I'm sorry, you're sorry,
we're all sorry about it.

You could get a wish, or
we could just go get drunk.

Oh, you're seven? Who cares?

I'm not gonna say nothin' to nobody.

[buzzer dings]
- Nick.

- I'm an angry North Dakota resident

who's paying for a
subscription to Dropout TV

just to see if Lauren
pulls that crap again!

[Sam and Lauren laughing]

[buzzer dings]
- Sarah.

- Hey, I'm here for my man points.

- And that's a minigame!

[cheerful music]

That brings us to round
three, where our players

will now hold hands and jump
into the abyss together.

- Why? I was pushed!

- Nick.
- Yeah.

- Sarah.
- Uh-huh?

- Lauren.
- Why?

- Prestige dog TV.

- Okay, I'm totally lost.

So last episode, Digley had a bone.

I thought they specifically said

that Digley was allergic to bones.

Season four, they're not even trying.

- Listen, in the first season,

they were sniffing butts left and right.

Some people didn't like
it, but I liked it.

I thought it was tasteful, you know?

I haven't seen, like...

Well, I saw one butt sniff this season,

and I'm like, are you saving it?

- I would not lick or sniff

any of those butts, if you ask me.

- I'm sorry, even Margot's?

- Oh, well, maybe!
- Oh, come on. Come on!

- Maybe. I like a kibble
every now and then.

Haven't we all gone through
the garbage once or twice?

- Without a doubt.
- Oh yeah.

- She'd be like eating a
baby's diaper, delicious.

- Oh, they're eating a baby's diaper.

- Oh! Bravo!
- Oh, bravo!

- They got me back this season.

- That actually ties everything together.

- It does.
- [Nick] Bravo.

[buzzer buzzing]
- I like that a lot, players.

It's funny to imagine butt sniffing

as like their, you know, nudity.

- Yeah, that's the big scene.

- They're already nude.
Where do they have to go?

- Yeah, what else are you going to do?

- Let's say 12 hours of
uninterrupted points for you.

Nick.
- Sam, before you go on,

[Sarah and Lauren groaning]
[crew laughing]

I have yet to apologize to you-

- You actually have.
- What's that?

- You actually have, a few times.

- And here I am, not even
remembering an apology to you!

And here you are, having
to sit through it,

as if you haven't heard it
time after time after time!

- Wow.

- [Sarah] Wow.

- Sam.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

- Thank goodness the two
white guys are finally on top.

- Yeah, we're on top.

- Hashtag boy-boss.
- Boy-boss!

- Speaking of men finally
getting their due.

[Sarah chuckling]

Nick.
- Yeah.

- Sarah.
- Eh?

- Lauren.
[Lauren squeaks]

A dad at a press conference
after doing the bare minimum.

- Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad!

- Oh yes, yes.
- Dad, over here.

When you came to my ballet recital,

but you came in 45 minutes late

with a different woman than Mom-

- Yeah, mm-hm?
- [Lauren] Tell me about that.

- I was there, wasn't I?

[Sam laughing]

Was I not? Was I not?

And here's the thing. My mistress?

She wanted to get down.

She was actually, like,
really horny at the time.

So yeah, pretty cool of me. Yes!

- Hey Dad, I'm not sure you
remember my middle name.

- Jodi! First name of my daughter, Jodi!

Oh my gosh, there you are. I'm so sorry.

How are you? What's up?

It's been a long time.
- Yeah, it's been too long.

- Yeah, it's been a long
time. That's awesome.

- [Lauren] Dad, Dad, Dad!
- Yeah.

- When you came to my tonsillectomy,

when I came out of the thing,

you gave me a scratched off lotto ticket.

Can you explain that, sir?
- Oh, sure.

I didn't win anything by it,

but I know that you like scraps of paper.

Are you the drawer? Who's the-
- That's her!

- [Nick] Jodi.
- That's me. Yeah, Jodi.

- That's Jodi.
- Jodi, first daughter.

- Jodi, first daughter. You're the drawer.

Okay, cool. Yeah!

- I was wondering, will you come home?

Were you planning on coming home?

- Thank you all so much
for joining me today.

This has been just like
an incredible time,

an incredible conference,
and I just want to say,

for the boys out there, give it your all.

Let's hear it for the boy-bosses.

[buzzer buzzing]
- [Sam] A little real.

- The bare minimum is pretty bad.

[Nick laughing]

- 15 microwavable TV
points to the lot of you.

- They can be good.

- Which brings us to the
last prompt of our game.

- Oh my gosh.

- Nick.
- Sam.

- Sarah.
- Sam.

- Lauren.
- I love you.

- The worst time for an alien
to burst out of your chest.

- I swear, we do not see
these prompts ahead of time.

- No!

- Dearly beloved, we are
gathered... [screeches]

Just keep going! Do you, do you?

- No, no, no, no, no! We
don't have to keep going!

- We have to! What, do
you not want to marry me?

Is that what this is about?
[Lauren screeching]

- Oh! Oh, come on!
[Lauren screeching]

- I do. [smooching]

Oh god! [screaming]

[buzzer buzzing]

- That was the most efficient comedy.

That was like a bit within a
bit within like six seconds?

[Nick laughing]

Eight points bursting out of your chests

when you least expect
it to the three of you.

- I'm going to expect the whole time.

- That brings us to the end of our show.

Our winner tonight...

Lauren Pritchard.

- No!
- [Sam] Lauren!

- What? No way, come on!

- You are the recipient
of the coveted golden ear.

- Oh my gosh! It's so heavy.

Thank you!

Oh, it's so heavy, Sam. It's so heavy.

- That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise".

Tune in next time for
more of the game samer.

I'm Sam Reich, and that sounds
pretty good to me. Goodnight.

[cheerful music continues]