03x02 - An Open-Heart Surgeon with the Attitude of a Cool Hairdresser

[bunniefuu]

- [Sam] Tonight, hoping people
will notice her haircut,

it's Jiavani.

- Nobody said anything.

I've been here for an hour.

- [Sam] Making full use of
the space, it's Vic Michaelis.

- For me, it's like my
dad being my good parent,

I didn't really...

Oh god, sorry. Thank you for that.

Hello!

- [Sam] Returning to the
party after staring at herself

in the bathroom mirror
high for 25 minutes,

it's Talia Tabin.

- You guys, I think there's
something wrong with my eyes.

I think my eyes are drooping

or slushing down my face or something.
- You're normal.

I don't see that.
- You look beautiful.

- Okay. What are we doing?

- They're all here to...

- [All] Make some noise!

[cheerful music]

- Welcome to "Make Some Noise",

the game so good we spun it off unchanged.

I am your host, Sam Reich.
Here's how the show works.

I have here a series of
improvisational prompts

our players have never seen before.

Isn't that right, players?

- Never.
- You say it, I believe it.

- I don't understand the question.

- Still high.

They will, to the best of their ability,

fulfill those prompts.

I will award them corresponding points,

and the winner will take
home the coveted golden ear,

which really puts the AU in auditory.

Now that's a smart one,

because AU is the
chemical symbol for gold.

[crew member laughs]

Nothing?
- I didn't like it.

- Players, are you ready to rumble?

- Yes!
- Rumble, rumble!

- We're starting out things a
little differently this year

with a warm-up minigame.

This is little game we like
to call "Take Some Direction"

How it works is, players,

I'm going to give you one line of dialogue

to repeat over and over and over again.

In between those performances,

I will be giving you direction,

micro-adjustments, if you will,

in terms of how to
affect your performance.

Does that make sense?

- Mm-hm.
- Sure.

- Jiavani, we'll start with you.

No direction to start out with.

Your line is, "Paint me like
one of your French girls."

- Paint me like one of your French girls.

- Vic, give me a little bit more.

- Paint me like one of your French girls.

- Talia, give me a little bit more.

- I told you to paint me like
one of your French girls!

- Jiavani, as a question.

- Paint me like one of your French girls?

- [Sam] Vic, with the tone of,

"I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed."

- Paint me like one of your French girls.

- Ooh, I felt it.

Talia, being fed the line
from someone in the wings.

- Paint me like one...

- Of.
- Off of your-

- Of.

- Of...

- Your.
- My...

[Sam and crew laughing]

Yours. Your...

[laughing continues]

Smoking...

[more laughter]

Women.

- No, not women.
[Sam and crew laughing]

You, but smaller.

- Tiny women.
- No, no no no.

- [Sam] And Jiavani, like
an infomercial salesperson.

- Now if you're like me,

you're thinking, who's a French girl?

Me?
[everyone laughing]

Maybe if you were to be
painted like one, you could be!

Say it with me.

- [All] Paint me like a French girl!

- [Sam] Vic, every word is a euphemism.

- [Seductively] Oh.

[Sam and crew laughing]
Oh.

- Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah!

- Oh, you like painting?
[everyone laughing]

Yeah!

Oh, one?

[Equally confusing and seductive]
One of your...

Is a euphemism a question?

[everyone laughing]

- Talia, with maximum vocal fry.

- Why don't you

[everyone laughing]

paint me

like one of your French girls?

[Everyone laughing]

- [Sam] Jiavani, like 1/4
of a barbershop quartet.

♪ Paint me like like one of your ♪

♪ Girls ♪
[everyone laughing]

- [Sam] Vic, with a
corresponding TikTok dance.

[Sam laughing]

- The words are showing
up as I'm saying them.

- I just figured that out.
I just figured it out.

[everyone laughing]

And finally, Talia, to the
entity haunting this building.

- You win!

[Sam laughing]

Paint me like one of your French
girls! Just do it already!

- And that is a minigame.

Bravo!
[contestants cheering]

- I'm warmed.
[cheerful music]

- That brings us to round one.

- So soon!
- [Sam] Can you believe?

- Here we go!
- Oh, I like this.

- We're not going to change who we are.

- [Sam] This is really supportive.

- Oh, yeah.

- Jiavani.
- Jiavani!

- It's back!

The tour guide at George
Washington's house

clearly thinks she could
have hooked up with him.

[contestants and crew laughing]

- And here we have the grand foyer.

You'll see a bust of Mr. Washington here.

Is he looking at me?

[Sam laughing]

You know, their eyes
follow you in paintings.

His eyes don't follow anybody else but me.

[everyone laughing]

You know, I have always liked white hair.

Always. Always, you know?

I don't want to say anything
weird about that time,

but I think he would've liked me too.

[Sam laughing]

Sorry, we just need a moment.

[whispers] George, you haven't
talked to me at all today.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding!

Let's continue the tour.
Here's a full body.

[deep sigh]
[Sam laughing]

[buzzer buzzing]

I don't know what to
do with him after that!

- I like full body a lot.
- I don't know!

- That's a good button. 32
points made out of wood for you.

- Jealous.
- Vic.

- Oh baby.

- A nun's wedding vows to Jesus.

- Hard to hold your hands.

[everyone laughing]

To the man who makes
me laugh every morning,

the first person I think
about when I get up,

and the last person I think
about when I go to sleep.

I just wanted to say...

Sorry, I'm not going to cry.

[chuckles from crew and Sam]

You are my rock.

You are the foundation on
which I build my faith,

[Talia chuckles]

and our family.

It's one of those things
where people said,

"You have a really nice boyfriend,

you have somebody that's really sweet

and loves you a lot and is
going to take care of you,"

and I said, "Hmm, what
if I married somebody

that is also going to be married
to a lot of other people?"

[Sam and crew laughing]

Amen. Now you do me.
[everyone laughing]

[buzzer buzzing]

- Imagine if next were just
the other half of this prompt.

[everyone laughing]

- Oh, I would love that.

- Leave room for the holy
spirit amount of points for you.

- Sure.

- Talia.
- 'Sup?.

A local giving way too much information

when asked for directions.

- Oh, you're looking for the Target?

The Target on Sunset? Okay,
I'll tell you about that Target.

[Sam laughing]

Yeah, so they wouldn't even let them

finish building that Target.

Oh yeah, there was, like,
a thing with the city.

Yeah, I went and I protested outside,

[Sam laughing]

But I'll tell you, god, do I regret it,

[everyone laughing]

because that Target is big.

Oh yeah, you'll make a left.

[everyone laughing]

You know, you protest something initially,

and you're like, "This is bad.

This is bad for the neighborhood."

And then you're like,
"This is such a big Target,

I could spend two hours wasting time

with my child in this Target."

[Sam laughing]
I'm telling you!

I don't know exactly
what the cross-street is.

You know what? Get in my
car, I'll take you there.

[buzzer buzzing]

- I'll cut you off there, Talia.

I am not getting in this woman's car.

- Oh my god!
- [Sam] No.

Let's say six points,
and then you bear right,

and 11 other points waiting for you.

- Wow.
- Whoa.

- Jiavani.
- Jiavani!

- Periodic Table: The Musical?

- The acapella musical?
- [Sam] Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

- You know, just, like, all
the parts and the orchestra.

- You're so lucky. We're
so good at doing orchestra-

- Oh good!
[Sam laughing]

- [ Vic] We're known for our singing.

- Okay, yeah.

- Have you seen "Play It
By Ear"? We're not on that.

[everyone laughing]

- Okay. Okay, I want a second.

- Oh yeah, take your time.
- Um...

- A lesson learned for players

is that when they do really
well the season before,

I really challenge them the season after.

- Do you want to do music?

- We'll be your band.
- [Talia] Oh, okay.

- Let's do an opening number.
- [Vic] Okay, ready?

♪ Dun, da da da dun dun dun ♪

- Oh, it's just "Hamilton".

- Antimony, arsenic, aluminum,

selenium and hydrogen and
oxygen, nitrogen and rhenium,

nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium.

Iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium.

♪ Europium, zirconium,
lutetium, vanadium ♪

♪ Lanthanum and astatine
and osmium and radium ♪

♪ Gold and protactinium
and thalium and thulium ♪

♪ Baby, it's thulium ♪

[crew and contestants cheering]

- [Talia] Oh my...

- And then there's a story about thulium

trying to make friends in the big city.

[Sam laughing]

And everybody's like, "Who's thulium?"

And you're gonna learn.

- I'm shook.

- I'm starting the rest
of my prompts like that.

I'm just going to be like, I don't know!

Me? I can't!

- Doing yourself no favors

as far as next season is concerned.

[Jiavani laughing]

Let's say 102 on the periodic table

amount of points for you.
- Oh, that's thulium.

- Vic.
- Yes.

- A realtor shows a house your
brain invented in a dream.

[Talia laughing]

- Okay, you two are so lucky

that this is still on the market here.

So yeah, we got a beautiful wood door.

We're just gonna [mimics door
whooshing] that right on open.

And then come on into the foyer.

Now, a unique feature of
this foyer is you can see

that it just sort of goes on forever!

[Sam laughing]

I'm going to go ahead and show you

some of the photos that are on the wall.

So, that is me with a
haircut that I had to get.

I had to get that haircut, and
I got bullied a lot for it,

and so as you can sort of
notice, that's all of the photos.

It's all of the photos on
both sides of the hallway.

And then we're going to stop,

because there's a wall that
we have to get over, right?

So if we can name the
wall, it'll let us pass.

But we can't name the wall!
[Sam laughing]

So, continuing down this
ever-expansing hallway.

- What are the neighbors like?

- Oh, the Kardashians.

- And I will cut you off
there, [buzzer buzzing]

with the assist!



- Whoa! What is asking?

- You're saying that this could bring you

into the negatives?
- Could be bad for me.

- Talia, last prompt of round one.

- Okay.

- A perfumer explains the smell notes

in their worst fragrance.

- Oh yes, this is, um,[with
a French accent] "Garbage".

- [Sam laughing]

You don't want to put your
nose too close to it. Careful!

It does have a little bit,

you know, like a wrapper

of an old...

uh...

butter?

[everyone laughing]

Now, I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're thinking.

"I don't want to smell like
butter!" Sometimes you do.

The secondary note, after you spray it,

it does have a little
bit of, like, a wet dog.

And I know what you're thinking. Gross.

But it's actually very
powerful to the schnoz.

[Jiavani laughing]

And that final note that comes out,

I guess what you would
say is just plain old...

Poo. Is that how you would-
[buzzer buzzing]

- I will cut you off there, Talia!

- Thank you for cutting me off.

- Sam, you gotta cut us off.

- Sam!

- There's your job and
there's my job, Sam.

[Sam laughing]

You do yours, and I'll do mine.

- Do you want us to flip?
We can all sort of...

We can go back there.
You can take up here.

- Yeah, if you ever want to,

you can race over here
and push this button.

- Okay, good. I'm getting
a feel for the space now.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let's say 10 really stinky points,

but five with Febreze on top.

- We're going to need it.
[cheerful music]

- That brings us to our next minigame.

This is a minigame we like
to call "Dubble Threat".

How it works is, I am
going to ask Vic and Talia

to enact a scene from a musical.

Jiavani, we're going to put you on standby

in front of the door.

When it comes time to
sing, players, don't.

Jiavani is going to sub in
for both of your voices.

Make sense?
- Yes.

- Yes.
- This is going to be a scene

from a musical called "Smell the Roses".

[Vic sighs]

[Talia sighs]

- All alone on prom night.
Not just me, but also you.

- Two sisters trapped in a
tower with no prom to go to.

- Hey, I had a crazy idea.
- What?

- What if we learned how to read?

[everyone laughing]

- But we're not allowed to!
- Oh, I don't know!

It was just a wild idea.
- Oh my god. I...

I don't know if I could,

but I have been holding
this book in my back pocket.

- Samantha, no!

- It's true, Ris- Riska.

- Riska...
[everyone laughing]

Where did you find this?

- Oh, I found it underneath Mama's pillow.

- Underneath Mama's pillow

in the turret of the tower?
- [Talia] Yes!

- [Vic] How'd you get up there?

- I'm so sorry.

- [Vic] That's been locked for years!

That knowledge has been
lost for the last 500 years,

when that witch locked us
and the rest of our family,

except for our two sisters, in this tower,

we said knowledge was forbidden.

We can't read. We can't
know how science works.

- I don't know how we know things.

[Sam gasps]

- Do you smell that?

- I think I do.

- It smells like roses,

and do you know what
roses smell like to me?

Music.

[Sam and crew laughing]

♪ Roses are music to my nose ♪

♪ What do these letters mean ♪

♪ I don't know ♪
[Sam and crew laughing]

♪ Oh, being alone on prom
night's got us all in a rage ♪

♪ But maybe we can just turn the page ♪

♪ Oh, oh, what is this mystery ♪

♪ Can we unlock literacy ♪

♪ Can we dive into this book ♪

♪ 500 years of history,
let's take a look ♪

[Sam laughing]

♪ Sisters ♪

♪ Sisters ♪
[crew shouting]

[Sam laughing]
♪ Sisters smell like roses ♪

♪ Sisters ♪

♪ Sisters ♪

♪ What we'll learn, nobody knows ♪

♪ It smells like roses ♪

- Unreal, Jiavani.
[buzzer buzzing]

[crew cheering]
- Oh my god!

- Unreal.
[Jiavani laughing]

As they lobbed you up that
song, I was like, "Well,

Jiavani's just got to do
something about roses, thank god,"

and then you incorporated everything!

- What a talent.
- minigame! minigame!

[Sam laughing]

- Like I said, do worse.

- Give it to me! Give it to me!

I'm just messing around.
I love it, I love it!

- I love it, I love it, I love it!

- Jiavani!
- [Sam] Give me your worst!

[everyone laughing]

[cheerful music]

That brings us to round two,

where our players will now
test their talents in teams

of twos.
- Ooo!

Jiavani.
- Jiavani!

- Vic.
- Yes.

- Deeply southern women

talk sh*t in the nicest way possible.

[In Southern accents]
- Whew! - Okay, wow.

Wow, hot one.
[Jiavani groans]

- Hot one. - Thank you so much
for coming over today, Emerald.

I really appreciate it.

- Oh, Charlotte, I would not
miss coming over to your porch.

Not for all the world. Julep?

- Well, I was...

Oh, thank you.
- It's a double julep.

- Thank you. Okay, don't tell.

[Sam laughing]

I actually had invited you over here

for a very specific purpose.
- Mm.

- I had a prayer request.
- Oh, honey.

Honey, you know I just
love the Lord Jesus Christ,

and I'll pray for you, anything you need.

- Oh, okay, well, that is good to know,

but this prayer request
actually isn't for me.

- Oh, somebody needs some Jesus?

- Somebody needs a little bit of Jesus.

I was just hoping you could do me a favor

and maybe help me uplift

Angela in prayer.

- Of course I would.

- So you know her husband
Marty is out of town.

- I know I've been... - You know
he's been going and out of town-

- I know. I've been praying for Marty.

- Okay, well, you and me both.

- And all of his "business trips".

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Well, I just want you to
uplift my sister in prayer,

that her eyes do not wander.
- Mm-hm.

- Because you know the gardener? Sammy?

He was in high school two years ago.

- He's but 20 years old.
- He's but 20 years old.

Coming in the back door at night.

- Ooh!
[Sam and crew laughing]

The Lord Jesus needs to
[both] hear about this!

[buzzer buzzing]
- I will cut you off there.

I think that was-

- No. That one...

- Scandal!
- ...that one goes forever.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Never cut that off.

- How am I supposed to know?

- I need all the sweet tea.

- 30 points, just like
Grandma used to make,

for the both of you.

Vic.
- Yes.

- And Talia.

- That's you.

[Jiavani laughing]

- Talia's catchphrase is
Vic saying: "That's you".

[everyone laughing]

Female characters who just can't

seem to pass the Bechdel test.

- That's it. I think we've done it.

I think we've found the cure for cancer.

- Oh my god.

My dad's gonna be so proud.

- Oh my gosh, your dad
is the smartest, coolest,

bravest, hottest man I've
ever seen in my life.

- Oh my god, those are all the words

I would use to describe my dad.

- Yeah.

- And honestly, your dad too.

- Really?
- Oh yeah.

- I'm just so lucky that he's our boss

who gave us this job in the first place.

[Sam laughing]

- When a man gives you something,

you can't help but be grateful.

- That's absolutely true,

but you know what, it's not about them.

- No, no, we've discovered cancer!

- Discovered cancer!
- Cure!

- Cure!
- Cure!

[both cheering]

Oh my gosh, I'm so happy
my hair moves this well.

My hair stylist, Anthony, gave me

the perfect cut for a moment like this.

- Anthony changed your life.

- And your life by proxy.

- Absolutely.

- Because my good attitude
is making you a better person

for when you go home to your dad.

- To my husband and my dad.

- And your husband and your brother.

Can I ask you a question?
- What?

- Do you feel like we're trapped?

[Sam laughing]

- Sometimes I feel like it's hard

to talk about the incredible
things that we do-

- Hold on one second.

Hi, Mark.

- And cut!
[buzzer buzzing]

[cast giggling]

So f*cking good.



- We needed this!

- To Paul, who wrote this prompt.

I mean, it's real terrific.
- [Jiavani] Wow.

- f*ck.
- Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul!

- And let us know if
anything we can get for you.

- Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul!

- Coffee or a treat.

- Talia.
- Oh, that's you.

- And Jiavani.
- Ooh!

- Two very different types of drunk girl

in the bar bathroom.

[Talia whimpering]

[Sam laughing]

- I feel like he didn't
look at me at all tonight.

- [slurring] No, you deserve much better.

[Sam laughing]

- I just feel like nobody's
ever gonna love me for me!

- I'm in love you. I'm in love you.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Callie, are you gonna be sick?

- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

- I just feel like every Friday
night, I'm in the bathroom

taking care of another person that's sick.

Are you gonna throw up?

- There's nobody for you
to take care of tonight.

I'm not even drunk.
- There's a line!

- We're in here! We're in here!

- This is our space and it's
okay for us to take up space.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- I think you're right.

I feel like, I don't know, maybe
it was what I wore tonight.

Maybe it was, like, what I said.

[Sam laughing]

Are you gonna throw up?
- Mm-mm.

- Oh my god. I'm gonna get...

Here's, like, a little mini trash can.

- I don't need it. I'm fine.

- Are you having fun?
[Vic knocking]

Oh my god! We're in here!

- And [buzzer buzzing]

I will cut you off there.

For a minute, it was like Chekhov's g*n.

Does she need to go off
for the scene to end?

Let's say a .08 on a breathalyzer

amount of points for the both of you.

- Sort of a fraction of a point.

- But that's a DUI.
- [Sam] Certainly is!

- We made it there.
- Jiavani.

- Jiavani!
- And Vic.

- Yes.
- An open heart surgeon

with the attitude of a cool hairdresser.

- Which one do you want to be?

- Oh, I love that.

- Let's feel it out when we get in there.

- Oh my god, okay.

- I'll see you on the other side.

[giving cheek kisses]
- Mwuah! - Mwuah!

- I love that. So supportive.

[sassily]
- Ooh girl, surgery today!

[crew laughing]

- Doctor, have you scrubbed in?

- Yes, I scrubbed in.
- Amazing, amazing.

- Ooh!
- We have a 32-year-old male.

So, he's being presented
with tightness of chest.

- He waited too long to see us!

[Sam and crew laughing]

Okay, so what are we thinking?

[Sam laughing]

Want to have fun? We want
to have fun with it, right?

- I'm an intern.

- I use a lot of creativity
when I do heart surgery.

That's a thing you're going
to learn from me, okay?

- He is coding on the table, so I think-

- Yep, sure is.

- Compressions. Clear! [grunts]

- Ask him about his girlfriend.

- Ask him about his girlfriend?

- Ask him about his girlfriend.

- We just got his pulse back.

- Yeah, good, he's gonna
need this heart to love her!

[Sam laughing]

- How is your girlfriend?

- See, see? You want to
get everybody chatting.

Get the other people in the OR chatting.

Everybody's having a good
time. It feels like a kiki.

Razz her, razz her.
- Razz her?

- Yeah, razz her.

- You look like you call
your mom by her first name.

- Ooh!
[Sam laughing]

- I don't know. I don't know.

- That's good.
- [Vic] Okay.

- That's good! Okay, let's
make some holes in a heart.

- And cut!
[buzzer buzzing]

- What was it? Yeah, okay.
- 100%, 100%.

You absolutely nailed it.
- Okay, okay.

- Let's say 64 points at rest,
and then 150 when racing.

- Huge.
- Vic.

- Yes.
- And Talia.

- You.

- Your parents narrate the menu.

- Oh, big menu. Big menu.

- Uh-oh.

[Sam laughing]

- Excuse me, "buffalo cauliflower".

- No.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- I love the sound of that.

- Pardon me, buffalo cauliflower.

- Excuse me!

- Who do you think you are?

- Oh my god, this is
fun. This is a fun menu.

- Yeah.
- That's a fun menu.

- You been to Cheesecake Factory?

- I've only been four other times.

[Sam laughing]

- Oh, wedge salad!
- A wedge salad.

- Wedge me in there, Mr. Salad.

Oh, that's fun.
- You know what?

I bet you could change
the dressing on that.

- No. No.

- But then they wouldn't call it a wedge.

- What do you mean?

- Because I think wedge salad-

- Isn't it referring to
sort of the shape of the-

- Oh yeah, yeah.
- [Vic] The lettuce.

- Oh my god.
- Soup!

- Soup. Not today, it's 100 degrees out.

- Gazpacho, perhaps. A
tiny little gazpacho.

You know who I think of
when I think of gazpacho?

- Who do you think of?

- Who's the guy with the little mustache?

Not the bad guy, the other one.

- Charlie Chaplin.
- Chaplin!

That's what I think of
when I think of gazpacho.

- I love him and his cane.
- His little cane.

- And he's got a hat.

- He does a little dance like this. Watch.

- Oh my god.
- He does his little dance.

- Oh, his little...
[both humming cheerily]

God, that is so...

Oh! Look at all their sandwiches.

- Can't do them.
- What? No?

- Gluten.

- Okay, but let me read you this sandwich.

- No, I can't do it, though.

- Let me read it to you,
though, to tell you.

We got a roast beef, we got a turkey,

we got an, ooh!
- Ooh!

- We got one of those croque madames.

- Not a sandwich. Open face, a pancake.

- What are you talking about?

- I will cut you off there.
[buzzer buzzing]

Now I just want to see these two

read through the entire
Cheesecake Factory menu.

A, "Wow, everything sounds
so good," amount of points

for the both of you, which brings us back

to the last prompt of round two.

Talia and Jiavani.

- Jiavani!

- Two Swifties after Taylor starts dating

former Secretary of State John Kerry.

- Oh my gosh.
- Oh my god, oh my god!

- I got a bunch of new beads
for our new bracelets, okay?

- Oh yes, we love beads for our bracelets.

- Kelce's so out. Bye,
forget it, forget it.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Tay-tay has moved on to, like,

such an adult, mature relationship.

- You like this. You like this?

- Uh, yeah?
- He's, like, very old.

- Oh, but like, how old?
He can't be that old.

- I mean, I'm pretty sure
he ran against George Bush.

- I don't know who that is.
- [Jiavani] Right?

- I'm sure they have so
much stuff in common.

- Yes, I bet they both love being blonde.

- Oh my gosh, John Kerry's blonde!

- White is blonde.
- White is blonde.

- White hair is blonde.
- White is blonde.

- Tay-tay also is, like, so
busy right now, you know?

She's flying to Japan to do stuff,

and then she's flying back.

- Yeah. John Kerry is pretty busy too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Like, doing what?

- Secretary. Former Secretary of State.

[Sam and crew laughing]

He's got many press events to do, too.

- Oh my gosh, but you know what?

- Huh?

- They could, like, totally bond

over talking in front of people.

[Sam laughing]
- Oh my god, yes,

and being like, "I'm
doing taking questions."

- No more questions!
- They both do that.

- Yeah, you know what I just remembered

about former Secretary
of State John Kerry?

- Yeah?

- He fought in Vietnam, I'm pretty sure.

- Oh my gosh.
[Sam and crew laughing]

- [Talia] Yeah.
- I remember a news story

where he, like, insulted our
nation's military by accident.

- Oh my gosh, I think
one time Taylor insulted,

I don't know if it was Hailey Bieber

or if it was Selena Gomez or something,

so they really do...

[both]
- They have a lot in common!

- [Vic] Oh my gosh, you
guys! Check Twitter!

Ariana Grande is dating the
ghost of Senator John McCain!

- [contestants shouting
together] Oh my god!

[buzzer buzzing]
- And I'll cut this off there.

- Blonde is white.
- Blonde is white.

- Blonde is white.
- White is blonde.

- People pay so much money for that.

- We'll say 1,989 points
for the both of you.

- That's my favorite album.

[cheerful music]

- That brings us to our final minigame.

This is a little minigame we like to call

"Who Are You Supposed To Be?"

How it works is, players, when I say go,

you are going to race over to
this trunk of costume items,

put on whatever you like,
race back to your podium,

buzz in, and pitch me, in the
style of a child on Halloween,

who you're supposed to be.

Does that make sense?
- Yeah.

- And on your mark, get set, go.

[cheerful music]
[Sam happy giggling]

Oh, Vic already. [buzzer dings] Vic!

- Um, Edward Fish-Hands?

- Yeah, that'll work.
[buzzer dings] Talia.

- I'm your aunt at your bar mitzvah,

and I had a lot to drink,
and I think you're so cute,

and I think we should start...

♪ YMCA ♪

- Get him! I want to dance
with your cute little friend!

- I love this.
- I want to dance with him!

- Well done. [buzzer dings] Vic.

- Edward Fish-Hands is the king now.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Want to look a little
prouder of yourself, Vic?

[buzzer dings]
Jiavani.

- Jiavani.

[Sam laughing]

- This is Jiavani.
- Yeah.

- This is you.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- I'm Jiavani.

- I completely agree. You
really found yourself.

[buzzer buzzing]
[Sam laughing]

[buzzer dings]
Vic.

- A tiger...

...is what Edward Fish-Hands is!

♪ For Halloween in his town ♪

♪ 'Cause he's the king of his town ♪

♪ So he can be whatever he
wants to be for Halloween ♪

- Why am I getting Evelyn Tucci vibes?

- She's not here. These are...

Hey, look.

These are going here, and I'm
going to take this seriously.

You see this? Done, done with the fish.

- I trust you. [buzzer dings] Talia.

- Ar, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow,

and I'm your pickleball instructor.

- Is this Captain Jack Sparrow's voice?

- Ar, matey.

- This is Johnny Depp

- Arrr!

- in the "Pirates of
the Caribbean" series.

- Pickleball. Grab your paddle.

[buzzer dings]
- Vic.

[suspiciously]
- Just a normal lady.

Regular hands.

[everyone laughing]

It's just nice to know that it's a lady

who has 10 fingers and 10 toes.

- I feel like this lady is
hiding something from me.

- What?

[Sam and crew laughing]
[upbeat music]

[buzzer dings]
- Jiavani.

- I recently came out,

and it's my first time
at the Pride parade.

How do I...

How do I...

Where does it...

Help!
- They figured it out.

- You get it eventually.
- Yeah, for sure.

- The thing is, you
just gotta keep trying,

and eventually, you can eat
p*ssy with the best of them.

- Hey! Love that, that's
a lesson for all of us.

[buzzer dings]
Talia.

- I'm Sia.

- Incredible, Talia.

[buzzer dings]
Jiavani.

- I'm walking into the Werk
Room on "RuPaul's Drag Race",

- [Sam] Yes!

and I forgot the rest of my look,

but I brought nail gloves,
and I came to slay!

- [Sam] Yes, she did.
Death drop, hell yeah!

[buzzer dings]
[Sam chuckling]

Vic, you are wearing so much.

- Well, thank you for noticing.

[buzzer dings]
- [Sam] Vic.

- I am Santa in the off-season.

[Sam and crew laughing]

I live in Palm Springs,

and instead of presents, I grant wishes.

What's your wish?

- I wish for-
- Fish hands!

Granted!

[cheerful music]

- That brings us to round
three, where our players

will now hold hands and jump
into the abyss together.

Jiavani.
- Jiavani!

- Vic.
- Yes.

- Talia.

Pangea announces its
split on social media.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Hey guys, thank you
for taking a second here

to pause scrolling to chitchat with us.

We really appreciate you
all joining us in this live.

Sorry, I feel like I'm
doing all the talking.

- You always do.

- Why wouldn't you start off?

- Listen, Europe, you don't
have to be like that, okay?

- Pardon?
- I'm just saying,

you're probably wondering,
why am I here right now?

And as you've probably noticed,

there's been a lot of earthquakes
recently, sort of rivers-

- Yeah, there's some tension.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- Who's to say who's at
fault? [sarcastic laughter]

[Sam laughing]

- Let's just put it this way.

Our tectonic plates are moving
in different directions,

and we're sort of-
- Wow.

- So, this is actually
how we've been living

for a little bit.

We're trying to sort of
put on an act for you guys,

and I just think it's not-

- We know it's going to be
jarring to see us like this.

- So this is sort of what it's
going to be, moving forward.

We're sort of going to have
different pages from now on,

so if you want South America,

you just come on and you chat with me.

- If you're looking for
Asia, I'll be over here.

- And as always, bonjour.

[buzzer buzzing]
- I will cut you off there.

Incredible physicality.



- That's huge, it's for the three of us,

so we're still at the
same amount of points.

- Okay, so you're still keeping track.

- Well, you know, somebody's got to.

- Jiavani.
- Jiavani!

- Vic.
- Yes.

- Talia.
- Me.

- Mormon parents give
you the soaking talk.

- Sounds gross.
- I don't know what that is,

but I'm happy to just
figure it out in the moment.

[Sam and Jiavani laughing]

- You got this?

- Hey Matt, Barbara, can you
get in here for a second?

Hey, okay, so Matt, I
saw you were on a date

the other night with Bianca.
- It was tight.

- Yeah, we love her. We love her.

And I know Barbara,

we're sort of starting to
explore the world of dating.

- I'm ready to touch and be touched.

- I wanted to talk about
this because, you know,

we are clearly a no sex household.

I mean, you both know that.
You've grown up that way.

I just wanted to let you know
that God loves us so much.

- [Talia] Okay.
- That sometimes,

he creates a loophole.

[Sam and crew laughing]

Sort of a way of, like, don't do that!

But maybe you could do this.

- Can you just say, like,
what actually happens?

- Yeah, 'cause I'm
interested in this loophole.

- Okay, so here's the biology, right?

A p*nis.

- Oh!

- Enters a...

- Whoa!

- And sort of the back
and forth and the friction

is a problem in the eyes of the Lord.

So, God said unto thee,

just don't move.

- Oh, stay still when you bone?

- Wait! Wait!
- It's not boning!

So I'm just saying-
- That's what soaking is?

- Sometimes you just, it goes inside,

and then you just sit there for a second.

- What?!
- Okay, calm down.

On your knees! Let's say a prayer!

My god, come on! Here we go.

- The issue is the
thrusting, not the insertion?

- Well, so here's sort of-
- [Talia] The friction?

- Here's the thing, guys.

Sometimes you have a good
buddy. You know, my friend Mark.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- So when I was in college,
what he would do sometimes is,

you know, if I was bringing a
pretty lady back to the room,

he would, you know, scurry under the bed,

prayer position.
- Wait!

- And when we would get on top of the bed,

he's just sort of shake it a little bit.

- Wait! Wait!
- Get under the bed,

and he'd sort of shake it a little bit.

- How long do you just lay there?

- For hours.

- And I will cut you off there.

[buzzer buzzing]

I love that this was an actual education

for two of the three people on our stage.

- Oh my god. What?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

- Wow, I'm so enlightened.
- Yeah. Hey, listen.

It's an educational show.

- It's an educational show.

- Eight points jumping on
the bed next to you all.

- Ooh, wow!

- Jiavani.
- Jiavani!

- Vic.
- Yes.

- Talia.
- Hey.

- Various messages about your free couch

on Facebook Marketplace.

- Hi, my daughter is
moving to Boston next week.

I see you're in the Boston area.

I was wondering if
maybe you'd want to grab

a coffee with her.

[Sam laughing]

- Is that piss?

- I'm seeing somebody in
the mirror behind the couch.

Is that you? So tall, so handsome, ha ha!

- I'm not interested in the couch,

but I am interested in the table.

- Is this still available?

- I'm actually in the
area. I know this house.

I'm just going to let myself in.

I see that you're sleeping on said couch,

and I'll just go take it.

I'll put you on the floor,

and I'm just letting myself in quietly.

- Is this still available?

- I was wondering if you could

move the couch from the picture

so I could just see the
table alone by itself.

- Hi.

Is this still available?
[Sam and crew laughing]

- Would you trade for
butts? Have five butts.

[Sam and Jiavani laughing]

- What is five butts?

- Andrew?

Hi, it's Kelsey.

Oh my god, I can't believe I found you

on Facebook Marketplace, that's insane.

Yeah, I mean, college was
a long time ago. I just...

I don't know, I was scrolling,

and I saw you, and it
kind of feels like fate.

Is this still available?

[Sam and Jiavani laughing]

- I will cut it off there!
[buzzer buzzing]

Better than I could've ever imagined.

- Five butts.
- Five butts!

- Five butts.
- That's a good deal.

For a used couch?

- [Vic] Will you trade for butts?

- Are we talking about five whole butts,

or are we talking about, like,
five cheeks and 2 1/2 butts?

- Five whole butts.
- Damn.

- Wow!
- [Jiavani] Good deal.

- 50 unnecessary followup
points for you all.

- Yes.

- Last prompt of our game.

- I hate that. I hate that.
- Sad. Sad.

- Jiavani.
- Jiavani.

- Vic.
- Hi.

- Talia.

- You.

- A stages of grief themed roller coaster.

- I'm not on a roller coaster.

I'm not on a roller coaster.

Mm-mm.

[Sam and crew laughing]

- God, I hate that the seats are so small.

I hate that the seats are so small!

Like, why even have a roller coaster

if the seats are so small?

- I think I could do one more round.

One more round of this roller coaster.

[Vic crying]

[Sam laughing]

- I hate loops. Like, I hate loops.

I hate loops. I hate loops.

But yet here I am, and
I'm just on this thing,

and it's just not going to stop, ever!

- We're just going down
now. I just give up.

We're just going down.

- All right, it's a roller coaster.

It's a roller coaster.

It's a roller coaster,
and I'm gonna ride it.

[all cheering unenthusiastically]

- Weeeee

- Churros after this, though.
- Yeah.

- And I will cut you off
there! [buzzer buzzing]

- [Sam] Damn.

A roller coaster tycoon's
worth of points for all of you.

That brings us to the end of our show.

Our winner tonight...

Jiavani.

[upbeat celebratory music]

Jiavani, you are a double recipient

of the coveted golden ear.

- Thank you so much! AU!

Steve Waldren, this is for you.

My dad, every time.

- Congratulations to your dad.

- That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise".

Tune in next time for
more of the game samer.

I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.

Goodnight.

[cheerful music]

[cheerful music fades]