Premarital (2026)

[bunniefuu]

[soft instrumental music

playing]

[birds chirping]

[man 1] Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to hitch these two beautiful

sons of b*tches that

love each other so much.

[woman 1] I think

that's Southern.

[man 1] What does it sound

like then?

Like this?

I want to marry you.

[laughs]

[woman 1] Dracula.

That's a choice.

Well, then what does

a Midwestern accent

sound like, eh?

Is that Canadian? Eh?

Hey.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

Relax.

-I'm sorry.

-Oh my gosh. It's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be fine.

No, there are just--

There are a few things that

I have not told you about

my family.

The religious stuff.

I know all about the religious

stuff.

It's fine.

If anyone asks,

can you just say that we don't

live together?

Like,

say you live with a friend.

I don't know if I'm comfortable

flat out lying.

It's not lying.

It's glossing over the details.

A sin of omission?

Sin of omission, that's more

of a Catholic thing.

Protestants are all about

sins of emission.

Ew.

[laugh]

[upbeat music playing]



Something about the will,

channeling the will,

splitting it.

[man 2] I really thought it was

Augustine.

[man 3] No.

Aristotle?

[man 2] Mm-mm.

[man 3] I swear it was an A.

[man 2] Well, since when

is scripture not enough?

[man 3] I just really wanna

drive this point home.

[clicking]

[robot vacuum whirring]

[printer whirring]

[clicking]



[knocking on door]

Pastor Stu, they're starting

the last song now.

Oh, thank you, Helen.

[takes deep breath]

Nervous?

Well, it's the first time

we're all under the same roof

in years, so...

They'll just be happy

to see you.

Yeah.

[laughs]

[choir] ...My soul,

my Savior God to Thee

How great Thou art

How great Thou art

[sighs]

[soft instrumental music

playing]



[clears throat]

Let's pray.

[car passes]

So,

what should I talk about then?

Uh, talk about

your master's program.

That's interesting.

Okay.

Just don't mention

your research.

It's literally

a research program.

Yeah,

just talk about the biology part

without getting into the

evolutionary part.

Your parents are not like

flat Earthers, are they?

No, not flat Earthers,

just young Earthers.

Oh, also no smoking, sorry,

I'm sorry.

-Okay.

-[woman 1] Yeah. So sorry.

One week.

[kisses]

[man 4] Ready?

Here we go.

[door opening and closing]

Exhale.

[exhales]

[man 4] And squeeze.

[g*nf*re]

Jesus f*ck.

-[laughs]

-Hey.

Look at that.

Oh my gosh.

-Look at that.

-Yay.

You might wanna watch that

language.

Who's that man?

That's Alan.

He's gonna be your new uncle.

[girl 1] Ah.

Well, look

at these cool New Yorkers.

Hey, I'm walking here.

-[Alan] Hey.

-[laughs]

-That's what you sound like.

-I've seen that on some show.

[laughs]

Hey.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Dad.

Dad, this is Alan.

I can tell by the dashing

good looks.

Sir, it is so great to--

-Hi, Aunt Sophie.

-[man 5] Dad!

-[Sophie] Hi, Jesse.

-[Stewart] Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

-[Alan] Hi.

-You know what?

Your mother's out.

I'm on kitchen duty.

[Alan] Is everything okay?

Should I--

-[Sophie] Dad.

-[Stewart] You know--

Okay, move, move, move.

Can I help?

Oh, I goofed.

I-- I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I just goofed.

I--

I shouldn't go near that thing.

-[Sophie] It's okay.

-But I can--

Whoa.

The tallest of all-est,

and he's good-looking.

Do you have any siblings?

'Cause I got a whole bunch I'm

still trying to get rid of.

[Stewart laughs]

[Alan] No siblings.

Oh, well, you do now.

Hi, everybody.

Sorry, we missed the uh,

service this morning.

Our flight got delayed.

Well, at least you guys had

a good excuse.

Where were the rest

of you Philistines?

[man clears throat]

I was here, P Stu.

Yes.

You-- you were there, Benji.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

What's up?

New guy.

Benji.

Hey.

[leaves rustling]

[pouring milk]

You saved the day, honey.

You did.

Oh, could you also make me

those cookies that I like?

Already in the oven.

[Stewart laughs]

[Stewart] Isn't she terrific?

Yeah, subservient wife

in training.

Don't worry, Grace

is just jealous someone actually

wants to marry Sophie.

[Grace] It's true.

I'm dying to consign my ovaries

to the patriarchy.

[speaks Korean]

Okay. Goodnight, grandpa.

-Goodnight, you guys. Love you.

-[Jesse] Goodnight, grandpa.

Naomi, help your brother, okay?

And Jared,

how are your studies going?

[Jared] Um...

[clears throat]

It's fine.

-[Stewart] Yeah?

-It's good, yeah.

Jared's following

in his old man's footsteps.

Gonna be a man of the cloth.

[Stewart chuckles]

[Stewart] And now w--

what about you?

So Sophie says you're

into the sciences or--

Yeah.

Actually, I uh, majored in--

ev-- ev-- ev-- I've--

I've done bi--

I do biology.

-[Sophie] Dad, I--

-Hm.

Why don't we go ahead and--

and eat?

Mom said she was gonna be late.

[Stewart] Okay, everyone's

attention, though, for a moment.

Um...

[clears throat]

Okay.

Uh, Sophie, um...

-...on the day you were born-

-Dad.

-[Jared] Dad.

-[Grace] Oh, here we go.

[Stewart] Sorry.

I know. [sniffles]

You're doing it again.

[Stewart] In your whole life,

the most important decision

you're gonna make is whom

to marry.

I was

so lucky I found your mother.

And well, Jared, you were

so lucky to have found Mae.

[Benji] And Leah has an amazing

boyfriend.

What?

Who said that?

We're very blessed

to have you here, too, Benji.

Ay.

Now, anyway, I-- it's nice

to have common interests

and you know, maybe good looks

a-- and all that,

but more importantly,

you wanna find someone

with integrity.

Someone whose yes is yes

and their no is no,

and can look in the eye

and know that you're

on the same page.

And Al, I have been praying

for you since long before

the two of you ever met.

May the Lord bless you both.

-[Jared] Hear, hear.

-[Sophie] Thanks, dad.

[glasses clinking]

[gulping]

Ah.

That's good stuff.

Okay. Now, Al,

would you do us the honor

of blessing this meal that your

lovely bride-to-be has prepared

for us?

Oh, I mean, I don't think I--

I'll do it. I'll pray.

Come on, the food

is getting cold.

No, hang on.

No, no, no, let the man speak.

What's the matter?

Uh, you are absolutely right,

integrity is everything,

and uh, I-- I don't wanna get

off on the wrong foot, Sophie,

so I don't wanna pretend

I'm somebody I'm not.

[playful instrumental music

playing]

Oh.

Oh.

You're a Catholic?

[Alan] I'm not an anything.

I don't--

I'm not religious at all.

[game sounds]

[bangs]

f*ck!

[exhales]

[door closes]

[Alan] Yeah,

but I never gave you permission

to tell 'em I was Christian.

No, that's a big deal.

Yeah, I kn-- I didn't tell them

anything.

They assumed.

It's their way of life.

But it's not mine.

I just-- I wanted them

to like you.

And sweeping things

under the rug is kind

of the family culture.

I don't wanna do that with you.

I'm sorry.

[door opens]

All right,

I will see you guys later.

I'm going.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Driving away.

Bye, Benji.

Oh, what's up?

[owl hooting]

[car lock beeping]

Oh, this week is gonna be hell.

Hey, hey.

We got this.

Should we get some sleep?

About that,

your room's up there,

mine's back there.

Oh.

Sorry.

-House rules.

-I understand--

And I'm not sweeping things

under the rug,

I just think with how tonight

went--

I have rocked the boat more than

enough for one day,

so it's okay.

See you tomorrow?

Okay.

[kisses softly]

[smacks]

[Sophie laughs]

Miss you already.

[clicks lighter]

Oh.

[crickets chirping]

One week.

[Leah grunts, thuds]

-The f--

-[Leah] Ugh.

[Alan] Oh my God, are you okay?

[shushes]

[soft instrumental music

playing]

[dishes clink]

[Stewart] Sophie just needs

to have an honest conversation

with him about this.

No, she's compromised.

Missionary dating

is a bogus approach

to conversion.

It throws the whole motivation

into question.

[Grace] Uh, who are you to talk?

You missionary dated your wife,

literally.

Yeah,

but I fully converted her before

we even kissed.

Okay, so do you think he's a

full-blown atheist

or just still searching?

[Grace] What's the big deal?

I'm a Buddhist.

[Stewart laughs]

[Jared] Okay, Grace.

[Stewart] Okay, sweetie, yes,

you think you're a Buddhist,

but actually you're just

in a protractive rebellious

phase, and it'll pass.

[thumps]

[sighs]

[bottles clink]

[gulps]

[mother] Good stuff's under

the sink.

[Alan] Oh, sh*t.

Mazel tov.

Heard you made quite the

impression tonight.

[playful music playing]

Uh, yeah, everyone was uh,

was really--

[mother] It's okay.

It must have been overwhelming

for you.

Sorry, I couldn't be here.

So you're not concerned?

I know my daughter,

and if she thinks that you have

potential, so do I.

Potential.

Thanks, uh, I think.

[glass pieces clink]

So you're the family

night owl, huh?

[mother] Mm-hmm.

My youngest likes to sneak out.

I stand guard sometimes

to put the fear of God in her.

She's a little bit too much

like me, but don't worry,

Sophie takes after her dad.

In what way?

You know, i-- idealism, romance.

You must be quite the romantic

to have captured Sophie's heart.

I think less of a romantic, more

of a pragmatist.

And with all due respect,

I think that's what Sophie likes

about me.

My mistake.

[birds chirping]

[Mae] There's coffee there.

Sophie went out with dad.

[Alan] Oh, thank you.

What are you working on?

Oh, a paper.

Oh, you're in school, too?

No, I just help Jared with some

of the busy work

when he's uh, busy.

[g*nsh*t in background]

[cheering & laughing

in background]

Uh, what's the subject?

Transubstantiation.

Oh, that is

my favorite Death Cab album.

What?

Never mind, sorry.

[clock chimes]

What does it mean?

It's like when the bread

and the wine

of the Eucharist become the body

and the blood of Jesus Christ.

Okay.

[laughs]

It's cool.

Jared actually refused

to write the paper,

because we do not believe

in transubstantiation.

He said we should refuse wasting

time on it.

[g*nshots firing]

[Jared] Booyah, baby!

Bull's eye!

Woo!

But I don't want it

to hurt his academic record.

Sure, I understand that.

[Jared] Can anybody beat that?

What kind of biology did you say

you were studying?

Oh, paleobiology.

My focus, though, is

on the Cretaceous Period.

What's the Cretaceous Period?

It's actually a period of time

from over 145 million years ago.

Jesse, go play with dad.

But why?

[inhales sharply]

[speaks Korean]

[laughing]

Wow, so interesting.

I would love to hear more

about that sometime.

[seagulls squawking]

-[Sophie] Come on, old man.

-[Stewart] Oh.

[Sophie] We used

to do this every weekend.

[Stewart] Yeah, well, I used

to not be 60

with high cholesterol.

[laughs]

A-yai-yai.

[Sophie] Oh, I've missed this.

[Stewart] Oh, it's beautiful.

I-- how could you come up here,

look at this,

and not believe that

there's a God, huh?

Honey, have you ever heard

of the term unequally yoked?

Yeah,

but I don't love being compared

to an ox.

No, that--

that's just a metaphor.

No, that's Paul using imagery

from the ancient world,

but the rest

of the passage goes...

[Sophie] "What partnership has

righteousness with lawlessness?

What fellowship has light

with darkness?"

[soft piano music playing]

So you've thought about this.

[Sophie] Of course.

But dad, Alan isn't lawless.

[Stewart] No, again, it--

it's just a metaphor.

I think the main idea

is that you shouldn't give

your life

to someone who doesn't share

your faith.

Sweetie, marriage

is hard enough as it is.

Do you want it to be harder?

Divorce rates aren't any lower

for people

who are equally yoked.

[Stewart] Well, that's true.

Absolutely true.

We are living in a fallen world.

[sighs]

Look, dad,

I know this isn't exactly what

you had in mind for me, but Alan

is a good man.

He's patient, and understanding,

compassionate.

He loves me

for exactly who I am,

no strings attached,

and I love him

for exactly who he is.

She's compromised, period.

[humorous music playing]

Her female hormones have taken

over,

and she can't see straight,

period.

Uh, nail polish emoji,

baby emoji.

Um, it's up to us now, dash,

call a family meeting,

exclamation point,

exclamation point.

[beeps]

Hey, let's roll.

[laughs]

[air horn blares]

Family meeting in 10 minutes,

compulsory for all.

Family meeting, 10 minutes.

It is compulsory.

[Stewart] So listen, I--

I feel bad that we got off

to a shaky start last night,

'cause let me tell you

something,

that is not what this family

is about, okay?

So I wanna make it up to you,

so I want the two of you

to go out, have a nice lunch.

-No.

[Stewart] No, no, no, on me.

Dad, that's really

not necessary.

[Stewart] I insist. No, no.

-What? What?

-No, no, come on.

No, no, no, just come on,

you gotta get going.

Come on, jump in there.

You're gonna jump--

-No, no, you're--

-Okay.

Gonna jump in over here.

You can't-- [laughs]

You can't both drive.

Oh, and I meant to tell you,

they say that

when you marry someone,

you also marry their family.

Ooh.

Okay, have fun, you guys.

[door shuts]

[laughs]

Yum, yum, yum.

[string music playing]

All right, put it right here.

-[Grace] Holed down here.

-[Jared] Come on, Grace.

[Stewart] Okay.

[Grace] Why do you have

an air horn?

The Whitaker family meeting

comes to order.

-Okay, guys.

-[Grace] Give me that.

[air horn blares]

[Stewart] Okay, God.

Oh, no, no, no.

[Jared] Let go of my air horn.

[overlapping speech]

[Jared] Let go of my air horn,

Grace.

Jared!

[Stewart] Listen-- thank you,

Mae.

Now, we have five days

before the wedding.

That's five days

to rescue this marriage

from being doomed before it even

begins.

That's five days

to bring Alan Rhodes to Christ.

Yes, sweetie?

Are we sure that it has

to happen before the wedding?

Like, as long as it happens

before he dies.

Oh, wow, that

is such a slippery slope.

I mean,

first you make allowances

for marrying a secular.

Next thing you know,

you're getting g*y married.

Suck it!

-Jared.

-What?

I've dated women.

Oh, that was for woke points,

Grace.

[Stewart]

Okay, you know what?

They are halfway through lunch

already.

We haven't even begun.

Full-blown atheists?

Mm-hmm.

Honestly, why don't we just

rip off the Band-Aid

while everything's

already messy

and just tell him we're staying

in New York?

[soft restaurant music playing]

Longman and Scout have landed.

Here you go, Pastor Erwin.

[newspaper crinkles]

[Erwin] Thank you, Shelly.

You know, it might be less

concerning for him

if he knew we were

actually more

on the same page than he thinks.

[Alan] Does he know you don't go

to church anymore?

No.

And if he found out,

he would think you were

corrupting me.

You stopped going to church

long before you met me.

I know that.

But it's all-- it's--

-[Alan] Complicated.

-[Sophie] It's complicated.

[Alan] I understand.

[Sophie] For me, it's okay.

It's something that I've

accepted as, I don't know,

part of the game,

but my dad grew up

in a different time.

[playful music playing]

And then when we move

in for the k*ll, you girls have

to take Sophie out

of the picture,

so she can't protect him

anymore.

Classic misogyny.

You got a better plan?

We could leave them alone.

Oh, Grace, you have to stand up

for your beliefs if they are

going to mean anything,

especially in a world that

is persecuting Christians left

and right.

I mean, when Cassie Bernall

had that g*n to her--

-[Grace] Ugh.

-That was a hoax.

[Grace] No.

[Stewart] When Cassie Bernall

had a g*n to her head

at Columbine,

and that g*nman said to her,

"Do you believe in God?"

What did she say?

[Grace] Dad.

Did she hide her faith

under a bushel?

No!

Dad, we talked about not

weaponizing tragedy.

No, no, it's not weaponized,

because I'm just saying

what happened.

Nothing would have happened had

those teachers been weaponized.

Oh.

[man 5] I don't get it.

If somebody puts a g*n

to your head,

why wouldn't you just say

whatever they wanna hear?

Okay, now you see, right here,

that's exactly the type

of thinking that allowed Hitler

to rise to power.

You have to stand

for what you believe.

In North Korea,

they put Christians

in labor camps.

That's where I would be if

my parents had not escaped.

Now, you see, Mae gets it.

A-- a-- and she's coming

from the front lines of the w*r.

Does this have to be about w*r?

What about the law

of attraction?

Will it even count if

you trick him into it?

Okay, Grace, no one

is tricking anyone into

anything, okay?

It's just more like we're

expediting. Yeah, and...

[Stewart laughs]

[Stewart] I mean, you know how

all this stuff works.

I mean, you used to be a pro.

-No, no, I wasn't.

-Pfft. Yes, you were.

[Stewart] Okay, look,

if it makes you guys

feel better,

he's probably already close

to believing in his heart.

I mean, most people are.

They're just

so stubborn about saying it.

[Mae] It's true.

He seemed really interested

in my--

Jared's theology paper

this morning.

[Stewart] See? Right there.

He's teetering on the edge.

What does that mean?

It means he needs a little bit

of a push,

just got a little push

to get him over.

It's kind

of like premarital counseling.

Yeah.

It's gonna be just like

old times, you guys.

This is gonna be fun, okay?

Okay?

-[Mae] Okay.

-[Stewart] Okay.

[clapping]

-Yay.

-[Stewart] Okay, here we go.

Phase one, sugar.

-[Stewart] Heads up.

-Oh.

Dad, we are already way behind

schedule.

No, no, no.

Look, this is important.

Um, we got off

on the wrong foot, mea culpa,

so we just want to make it right

and show you

what the Whitaker family

is all about.

One quick game?

You don't know my family.

This is probably a trap.

It's just a game.

Yeah, exactly.

Come on. It'll be fun.

One game.

[playful music playing]

Play ball.

I mean,

set aside your postmodern

navel-gazing just a second,

and let's pretend there's

something called, "truth".

Can you see how the Bible speaks

to our predicament?

[Alan] I'm not saying that

I think the Bible

is strictly untrue.

I'm just saying that I don't

believe that it holds a monopoly

on truth.

How do you mean?

[Alan] Take your Old Testament.

Those stories were based

on existing mythologies

circulating in the Fertile

Crescent for generations.

I mean, way further back than

your Jewish roots.

[gasps, laughs]

Oho!

[Stewart] So, you guys ever find

your missing link?

[Stewart laughs]

[Stewart] Oh, and what about

uh, the Cambrian expl*si*n?

Ever hear of that?

[Alan] Yeah.

[Stewart] And?

And-- and squeeze.

And it's extremely complicated.

Yes, yes, it is complicated,

but you know what isn't?

The Gospel.

[g*nsh*t]

[cans clank]

[bird chirping]

Please.

-Oh.

-Oh, yeah.

You know, you seem

to know a lot about this

for a biology student.

I like podcasts.

[Stewart] Okay,

so you're gonna trust a man

in front of a microphone

in his mom's basement

over a text that has withstood

the test of time for millennia.

I mean,

you just give your allegiance

to anything that tickles

your fancy?

[Alan] No, I have principles.

Based in?

[sparks]

S-- science.

Oh, science. Yeah.

[Alan] Hey, science got us

to the moon.

Where has religion gotten us

lately?

[Stewart laughs]

Western civilization.

[firework shoots, explodes]

[laughs, cheers]

[sighs]

I'm almost embarrassed

to admit it,

but it felt really good

to sh**t those g*ns.

Like, I felt powerful.

Alan.

What?

[sighs]

Come on, we're getting along.

Isn't that what you wanted?

We're respecting each other's

differences.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to shut him down?

No.

I want you

to tell him what he wants

to hear,

or he'll never leave you alone.

I don't wanna lie to them,

though.

Maybe there's a way

to say it that isn't untrue.

I mean, if you don't believe

any of it,

why does it matter what you say

about it?

It matters because it's my word.

-It's your ego.

-No.

Hey, this is about

how we're gonna live

our lives together.

I don't sweep things

under the rug.

[romantic music playing]

It's just he's got his hooks

in you, and he's going

to start looking for weaknesses.

Sophie, I know this

is complicated for you.

I can take it, okay?

Hey, what's up, Leah?

Hey, um, do you mind if I--

Oh, not at all,

it's your room.

Do what you gotta do.

Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

[thuds]

[ripping]

[intense music playing]

[people screaming]

[light-hearted music playing]

[Jared] This is pantheism.

It's heretical.

No, it's not.

It's panentheism.

That's what I said, pantheism.

This is a theological fallacy.

Even if you get a D,

that's better than not turning

anything in.

Not turning this in

is a statement.

What's theologic phalluses?

[chuckles]

Um...

[door opens]

[soft instrumental music

playing]

[door closes]

[door opens]

Morning, sleepyheads.

Appreciate you giving up

your room.

It was very kind of you.

Yeah, of course.

Listen, with the wedding

and the-- the crusade

and everything,

I know everyone's running around

like chickens with their heads

cut off, but I'm still here

for you, kiddo, so if there's

anything that you--

Mom, ugh, it's kind of early

for a lecture.

Sorry.

How do pancakes sound?

[sighs]

Well, I see you got my gift.

Yeah.

-Thank you.

-[chuckles]

It's uh, it's pointed.

Yeah.

So the whole thing's just going

through--

H-E double hockey sticks.

-Wow.

-Oh, yeah.

Dante.

Oh, it's just one of the greats.

"I am the way into the city

of woe.

I am the way into eternal pain.

I am the way to go

among the lost."

Wow.

-Come on. Let's get milk.

-Oh, can't do it.

I promised, uh, Sophie I'd be

on wedding duty today.

[Stewart] No, no,

I told her all the girls are

going for the dress fitting,

you can't see that, because

then that's bad luck,

so come on.

It'll-- Be back in a jiffy.

Clark, come on.

You go with us.

Bye.

[laughs]

[door shuts]

One family drinks so much pop.

[laughs]

It's unbelie--

[western country music playing]

Who's that?

Bruce.

He's the pastor at the mega

church in Benton Harbor.

Fine day, ain't it?

Beautiful.

[trolley rattles]

[car passes]

[game sounds]

So do you guys got like,

a rivalry or something?

Oh, no, no, no.

It's nothing like that.

It's more of a...

[inhales]

I don't know, differences

in theology,

I suppose you could say.

[tires screeching]

[fast-paced percussions music

playing]

Oh.

Whoa.

Okay. Are you all right? Clark?

-I'm fine.

-Are you okay?

Oh, no, no, no.

Sir, I--

sir, I think we should exchange

insurance information.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, we're gonna need a tow.

-We are gonna need a tow.

-I don't think we need a tow.

No, we're gonna need a tow.

I'm--

I don't think it's totaled--

We barely even touched him.

But we're gonna need-- You know

what? I'm just gonna pull in

right here,

and we'll wait right over there.

Okay.

[car beeping]

[door closing]

Oh, wow.

[Stewart] Alan,

can I ask you something?

[Alan] Sure.

[Stewart] Just now when we were

in that terrible pileup,

what were you thinking about?

Did your life flash before

your eyes?

'Cause, you know,

had I hit those brakes

just a split second later--

Sure.

You know where you would've

gone?

[beeps]

What went through your mind

at that moment?

Uh, I guess just that I love

Sophie very much.

[spiritual music playing]

Yeah, that's sweet.

Yeah.

And it's nice that your last

thought wasn't hateful.

But Al,

human love can't sustain you.

A person can't bear that weight,

and it's not fair

to ask a human person to try

to fill a hole that can only be

filled by God.

You know, Al--

I-- Can I share

my testimony with you?

Your te-- uh, yeah.

-Sure.

-Thank you.

I was lucky.

I grew up in a Christian home,

but it never really made sense

to me, you know, like,

in my heart,

until one day, I was sitting

right here, I mean right here

in this church,

and I was looking at the light

coming through that window.

And there are some things...

...there are some things that

are just beyond words.

[Jared] Goddammit,

whose Bluetooth is on?

Oh, sorry.

I'm turning it off.

[spiritual music playing]

Like, how did we get here?

How did um, how did any

of this get here?

I mean,

I think we're still trying

to figure that out, right?

Physicists seem to think we came

from a singularity.

Oh.

And...

[laughs]

Yeah.

The Big Bang.

-Yeah.

-Okay, primordial soup.

You know, it's just a hop, skip,

and a jump between Darwinism

and loading people

into a gas chamber.

Mm.

Well, and look. Look, look,

look, I can sympathize.

I'm a lapsed atheist myself.

I mean, didn't you say you were

born into this?

See, I didn't choose to be born

into a non-religious family

any more than you chose

to be born into a Christian one.

Okay, so you're a Calvinist.

A-- a what?

Predestination.

Okay, so once upon a time,

a Calvinist falls

down the stairs, gets up,

brushes himself off, and says,

"Well, thank God that's over."

[laughs]

Thank God that's over.

[chuckles]

Al, tell me, is there any room

for free choice

in this philosophy of yours?

I don't know.

Yeah, I'd like

to think there is.

Hmm.

Okay.

Yeah.

I can run with that.

[chuckles]

[door opens]

[bell on door jingles]

[Clark] I am so sorry I'm late.

What did I miss?

[gasps]

Oh my God.

Clark, you're a boy.

What are you doing here?

Uh, Sophie said that she n--

needed--

Champagne.

-Did you bring it?

-Yep.

[Sophie] Thank God.

Will you pour me a tall one?

Thank you.

[cork pops]

Leah,

are you gonna have champagne?

Really?

That's a first.

Are you sure you don't want to?

Drop it.

What has gotten into you two?

Grace, stop taking it out

on her.

What are you talking about?

[Sophie]

What are you talking about?

Literally nothing.

Sophie, do you need any help

with your dress?

No. Wait.

I wanna know why I'm supposed

to be mad at you.

Because I made her

maid of honor.

You made her what?

Oh, sh*t.

[emotional string music playing]

[gasps]

Oh my goodness.

Come, come, come, come.

[Naomi] You look so pretty,

Aunt Sophie.

Oh my gosh, honey.

Grace, I'm so sorry.

I thought you knew.

[Mother] Oh, honey,

you are gorgeous.

[Clark] This is perfect.

Congratulations, Leah.

[Alan] Ready?

You want it?

-[Clark] No, no, no.

-[Alan] You want it?

You want it?

Come and get it.

-Motherf-- f*ck.

-Ah! Ah!

-as*h*le.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I thought Whitakers weren't

supposed to swear.

Uh, no. It just has to be

for a good reason.

Got it.

[laughs]

Oh, it's-- it's more

of a smoke screen,

'cause if they're worried about

the obvious surface stuff,

they tend not

to notice other things.

Hmm. So you're saying I should

just start swearing and smoking

in front of them?

Oh, no, honey, your cat's out

of the bag.

They know your soul is damned.

You know, Clark, in New York,

you could be...

I could be what?

Whatever you want.

Hmm.

I have my reason for staying

for now.

-Oh. Oh.

-Hmm.

Oh. [laughs]

Do we get to meet this reason

at the wedding?

-Yeah.

-No pressure.

I'm just saying they're welcome.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

[saying Grace indistinctly]

[knocking on door]

Yep.

[door creaks open]

[fist-bumps]

[thuds]

[blows smoke]

[crickets chirping]

[Mother] Bruce.

Oh, no, no, Bruce.

Stop.

We can't do this here.

[romantic song playing]

Okay, then come see me.

-Come visit me.

-Oh.

I have a lot going on this week,

but I will soon.

-Okay.

-Okay?

-Okay.

-Bye.

[kiss]

[sighs]

Patricia, God has a plan for us.

[kissing]

What the f*ck?

[birds chirping]

[Sophie] Morning.

[Leah] Oh my days, Sophie.

[Leah sighs]

f*ck.

[door opens, closes]

Got any big announcements?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, I really wanted

to tell you.

I just like didn't wanna

distract you from the wedding.

[chuckles]

I'm already distracted.

How far along are you?

All right, let's see.

It would've been about...

[upbeat music playing]

You may think it controversial

that a 58-year-old woman

is still a virgin,

but you know what?

That's what faith looks like,

trusting God's timing

in everything.

I know He's preparing the right

person for me,

and when the day comes,

he will walk in my door and say,

"Helen, I'm so glad you waited

for me.

I waited for you, too."

That

is what true romance looks like.

[Leah] After that,

it all happened kind of fast.

[door shuts]

[romantic song playing]

Open up

Let me in

I'm giving every part

of me to you

[Leah] Just kind of flipped.

I'm sorry.

I should have been more careful.

It's okay.

No one even told me

what a condom was until I was

practically in college.

What's a condom?

I'm kidding.

I made a mistake, okay?

Okay.

Does Benji know?

No, not yet at least.

Do you need help with anything?

Yeah, just getting Grace off of

my back.

I take it she wants you

to do something about it?

Yeah.

She wants to take me

to get it done

right after the wedding.

Is that what you want?

I don't know.

[birds chirping]

Do you think you're ready

to be a mom?

I don't know.

Is anyone ever really ready?

Uh, yeah,

I think people can be ready.

Really?

I mean, relatively speaking,

yeah.

Do you think I'm ready?

[door opens]

Well, aren't you up early?

Just getting some sun.

Looked a little pale in

my dress yesterday.

Careful you don't burn.

[door shuts]

[slow instrumental music

playing]

Hey, can I show you something?

[exhales]

I have no doubt you can beat him

at his own game, but you have

to ask yourself, at what cost?

[slow instrumental music

playing]

I mean,

why are you showing me this?

Don't you want me to convert?

Yes, but the heart isn't won

over by arguments.

You two are just butting heads,

and somebody's gonna get hurt.

Can I have one of those?

One of what?

[lighter clicks]

[exhales]

I've seen the way that Sophie

looks at you,

and I see the way that you look

at her,

and you already have everything.

You don't throw it away just

to win a philosophy debate.

I'm not trying to win anything,

just trying to be myself.

If you're lucky enough

to have a family,

you'll see that it's not always

as clear-cut as it seems.

Sometimes it's counterintuitive,

and the only way to win is

to lose.

[takes a drag]

[wood creaks]

[Stewart] He just seems so lost.

-[Helen] Hmm.

-You know?

And I feel helpless to try

to really connect with him.

Oh, wow, am I losing my mojo?

Did you give him the Dante?

I think he read the whole thing.

Incredible.

What was his reaction?

Well, he's a Calvinist.

A secular Calvinist?

Yeah, you know, determinism.

Why bother worrying about it if

the outcome's already decided?

Well,

you gotta give him Karl Barth.

Hmm?

What about the joke

about the stairs?

Crickets.

Don't give up hope,

Stewart.

You know Darwin himself

converted to Christianity

on his deathbed.

[Stewart]

Yeah, no, I know that, sure,

but he probably thinks

it's a hoax.

What?

-Oh.

-Yeah.

-Everything's a hoax these days.

-Yeah.

I mean, so I suppose the

Holocaust was a hoax.

Oh, oof.

Well, look,

you can keep taking him

to your favorite places

and sharing your favorite books,

but what matters to him?

[laughing]

Ah.

Ah.

[Sophie laughing]

Sophie, uh,

your mother and I would like

to talk

to you guys about something.

In our experience, one

of the things that couples

disagree upon most is how

to bring up children.

Now, w-- we-- we just wanted

to make sure that you're

prepared

for the differences inherent

in your perspectives.

Al, any thoughts on that?

Um, I don't wanna speak

for Sophie, but based

on the discussions we've had,

I-- I think we're

in agreement about the

psychological harm that

could be done to kids through

excessive shaming

and guilting tactics.

Sophie?

W-- well, yeah, I agree.

But that doesn't necessarily

mean that I don't wanna

give them some kind

of foundation.

Uh-huh.

-[Alan] Wait, hold on, hold on.

-Uh, sorry.

After all the work you've done

to undo the weird baggage

the church has given you--

W-- w-- what weird baggage?

H-- honey,

do you have weird baggage?

I'm not necessarily saying that

I want them

to have the same experience,

but I am glad that I was given

certain moral building blocks

to work with.

Exactly.

-Yes.

-Exactly.

I like morals, and our kids are

gonna have lots of 'em.

But where do you base

the authority of your morals?

Uh, because without God,

you are stuck in relativism.

Look, man, this

is hypothetical anyway.

It's if we even decide

to have kids, okay?

Ooh.

[laughs]

Dad, I don't wanna talk about

this right now.

Well, then when?

[Alan] Sorry.

After you commit your lives

to each other?

[sighs]

Honey, I'll look after her.

You wanna seal the deal tonight?

Yeah.

[sighs]

Trust me, it'll loosen him up.

[pats]

[door shuts]

[sighs]

[Stewart] Forgive me.

[bar music playing]

[groans]

Another one of these?

Make him a White Russian.

What's a White Russian?

Don't worry, you'll like it.

It's got milk in it.

Alan, I think maybe we hit you

too hard.

Are you feeling okay?

Oh my gosh, don't look

at me like that.

Now I feel bad.

Look, I was just trying

to help you understand that

marriage is a serious decision.

And if you're not

on the same page about

what it is we're doing here,

then I--

What are we doing here?

Exactly.

That is the big question,

isn't it?

And the Bible has the answer.

Thank you.

[slurps]

Mm, mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

Wow.

What does the Bible say about

what to do if the truth is...

...hurtful?

It says the truth will set you

free.

Whatever it

is you're holding onto,

whatever sin you might have

in your past,

it can be forgiven.

So just let it go.

Let the truth set you free.

I need some air.

Ugh.

[sighs]

Um, you know what?

Come to a service sometime.

We'd love to see you.

[laughs] Okay.

Uh.

[slurps]

Oh, God bless.

Mm.

[window slides open]

[panting]

Hey, Sophie.

-[screams]

-[Alan] Ow! Jeez.

Alan?

-[Alan] Ow. It's me.

-What?

It's me.

I'm sorry.

[Sophie] Are you drunk?

I'm a little drunk.

I'm sorry. Hi.

[Sophie] Hi.

Oh, no. Okay.

I'm so sorry.

[pants]

Your mom's having an affair.

Oh.

Oh?

Yeah, no, it's not--

it's not really an affair.

They have an arrangement

of sorts.

Wait, what?

[Sophie] Yeah.

She's sort of dating this

charismatic preacher guy.

She has a type, I know.

Oh my God.

What's the big deal?

We have lots of friends

in open relationships.

Yeah, but they're not trying

to get us to be

in perfect f*cking Christian

marriage, Sophie.

Keep your voice down.

Shh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

D-- d-- does anyone else

know this?

Is it just...

I don't know.

Probably some of them.

Leah still lives here.

She probably knows.

But you guys just don't talk

about it.

It's just easier to--

Sweep it under the rug.

Yeah.

[emotional instrumental music

playing]

[Sophie] My parents are

in a marriage that stopped

working a long time ago.

But they believe divorce

is wrong, so--

-Goodnight.

-[Sophie] They're just kind of

doing everything they can

to make it all work.

My dad would lose his job

if anyone found out,

so my mom keeps her dating

pretty quiet, which I think

is kinda considerate of her.

[grunts]

[Sophie] But my dad is still

in love.

[sighs]

[lawnmower whirring]

Ooh.

Honk! Honk!

[Jared] No, I-- I-- I sent it.

Professor Bauer called me

about it this morning.

[Jesse laughing]

[Mae] He did?

But why?

He wanted

to talk about publishing it.

Publishing my paper?

I mean, your paper.

What did you say?

I said, no, of course.

I can't publish something

I didn't write.

Hey, sport.

[grunts]

Hey, feeling good about tonight?

Uh, do you need any help

rehearsing

for the rehearsal?

That reminds me, I need

to go work on my vows.

Well, I'm around if you wanna

sh**t around any ideas.

[Alan] Oh.

[Stewart]

I got him on the ropes.

I just don't know where to go

from here.

I have an idea.

You're not gonna like it.

Oh, I had a feeling.

He needs something emotional.

He-- he needs zap, a kick

in the spiritual gonads.

Trish.

What you're doing

is just so gentle, and kind,

and intellectual.

It-- it--

you're playing the game

by his rules,

and he's kicking your butt.

Can we please just

keep this in the family?

I don't trust Pentecostals.

Hm.

You asked for my help.

You wanna get him across

the finish line or not?

Yeah, well, I asked

for your help, not...

[sighs]

Not--

The glory of the Lord is ready

to fill this earth.

Be healed in Jesus' name.

Healed.

Healed.

Healed.

Be healed in Jesus' name.

In Jesus' name.

[praying in foreign language]

Oh, yeah.

[moaning]

All right. All right.

I get the picture.

Well, I'm just saying,

he has the spiritual horsepower

that you're looking for.

Now, when he prays over you,

when he touches you, when--

Okay. No, no,

I don't need the details.

My point is,

if Bruce gets his hands on Alan,

literally lays his hands

on Alan, Alan will see God.

[clears throat]

-Will this be all right?

-Yeah.

Yeah, this is perfect.

This is, this is w--

I just need a place just

to meditate just

for a little while.

Whoa! Whoa.

Way cool. Hey.

Oh, this, this is cool.

[pouring drink]

[Bruce laughs]

[Bruce] Ah, yeah.

Mm.

[western music playing]

Oh, yeah. [laughs]

It's delicious.

I'll come back

for you when we're ready.

[Bruce] Okay.

All right.

I'll be here.

I'll be here.

Hey. Excuse me.

Could you uh, point us

in the direction

of the wedding rehearsal?

Are you...

-[Alan] Dad! Mom. Hi.

-Hey, Alan. Hey.

You made it. You made it.

You made it.

-Oh, yeah. Oh.

-Oh, so good to see you.

-Oh.

-Hi, Mom.

Oh, honey.

It's good--

The famous father.

Alan's spoken so highly of both

of you.

Oh, well, you must be Stewart.

-[Stewart] I am.

-I'm-- I'm Peter.

-[Stewart] Hi, Peter.

-This is my wife, Jean.

-Hi.

-How do you do?

Are you guys gonna be staying

with us at the homestead?

Yeah. You know, we hadn't

planned on it, but then might--

No.

Uh, not...

It's not a good idea. Uh.

[chuckles] Sorry.

-Night, night terrors.

-Night terrors, night terrors?

Uh, sorry, dad.

I-- I know it's personal.

I d-- really intense and um--

-Really intense night terrors.

-[Stewart] Oh, I'm sorry.

It's probably better if they

just stay in a hotel.

That keeps everybody up, so I--

you know, I--

I wouldn't wanna bother you.

No, but it wouldn't be--

Nonsense.

You could still,

we'll figure it out.

You know, Pastor Stewart,

do you--

do you think I can just,

uh, say hello to

my parents before the rehearsal?

Of course. I'm so sorry.

Some alone time.

Listen, I'll see all of you guys

in there in a couple of minutes.

-Okay, okay.

-It was so nice to meet you.

Good to meet you, too.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

-Seems like a great guy.

-Yeah, he's, uh--

-What is going on, Alan?

-I have s--

-What is going on?

What is going on here?

I have s-- I have so much

to tell you guys.

I know.

I will explain it later,

I promise.

Uh, can we just--

[laughs]

We gotta go to the rehearsal.

I'm gonna get you guys

in your seats.

-And we will talk about it.

-All right.

[Grace] If you are so pro-life,

why don't you take care of one

of the kids that are already

born?

[Leah] Are you kidding me?

I don't wanna talk to you

about this anymore.

Sophie,

will you please tell Leah that

this is the biggest mistake

of her life?

[Sophie] I am the one getting

married here.

Isn't anyone gonna tell me

I'm making a mistake?

Hey, Sophie,

will you please tell Grace that

it's my choice

and I will do what I want with

my g*dd*mn life?

You're gonna do what you think

you want, but that's the thing,

it's not actually you.

It's the f*cking patriarchy

speaking through

your indoctrinated brain.

I am not gonna let you have

a baby before you even know how

babies are made. [laughs]

Yeah, well, I seem to have

proved you wrong there, Gracie.

This is a cycle of suffering.

It is a cycle

of endless suffering,

and you're gonna be a mother

to it.

Enough with your Dalai Lama

bullshit.

Oh--

You are the same

obnoxious evangelist

you've always been.

You just, what, switched sides?

Leah, she does have a point.

If I had had a baby with

my youth group boyfriend,

I never would have gone

to school in New York.

I never would have met Alan.

[Mae gasps]

[Sophie] I never would have--

Oh my word, Leah!

Awesome.

Thanks, guys.

[Mae] Leah, sweet Leah,

your child is a gift from God.

This life is not a mistake.

This life is a miracle.

Right now, God is knitting him

or her together in your belly.

Or they.

Yeah, can we just call it "it"

for now?

It is a miracle.

[speaks Korean]

Okay, cut it out.

You guys, this weekend

is literally just about Sophie,

okay?

I'll figure this out later.

Leah, you must eat.

-Whatever.

-[Mae] I will make you, uh--

[Grace]

I'll see you at the dinner.

You're not coming

to the rehearsal?

What?

You have your maid of honor.

What do you need me for?

[Stewart] Oh, dear Lord.

I'm trying my hardest.

[Helen] Stu.

Oh, it's you.

How's your heart?

Oh, my heart's fine.

My heart's good.

Yeah. How about yours?

You're a terrible liar.

[laughs]

[romantic piano music playing]

I miss our little talks.

Hey Stu.

Oh, sorry.

Where's the bathroom?

I-- a l-- lot of grape juice.

-Right up there.

-Grape juice.

-Right up there.

-Thank you.

He's the worst.

He's the worst.

[laughing]

[beatboxing]

What's going on, dad?

Why is that guy in your spot?

I know. Everything's okay.

Every-- but I need everyone

to listen up, okay?

This is the next phase

of the plan.

This is the Hail Mary.

So we are just gonna,

you know...

[imitates expl*si*n]

We're gonna what?

You know,

we're gonna roll the dice.

Dad, that's--

that's not rolling the dice.

-Yeah, of course it is.

-No, dad, that's not--

-Rolling the dice.

-No, dad, stop it.

Stop it.

[Jared] That's not rolling

the dice.

[whispering]

Oh. Oh, God.

Yeah.

I-- I've been doing that

in my sermons.

[scoffs]

[Bruce shouts]

[laughs, blubbers]

The spirit, it's ready.

[indistinct speech]

Okay, it's game time.

We gotta get moving.

What the heck?

Pastor Whitaker,

I do not believe this man has

any theological training.

Are you sure you w--

[Stewart] No, Mae,

it'll all be okay.

I promise, kind of.

Okay,

here's what's gonna happen.

Jared, you're gonna go find

Al's parents, okay?

Benji, Leah, just go

and play it like an altar call.

You've done that

a hundred times, okay?

Now, in the famous words

of our hero, Todd Beamer,

-"Let's roll."

-No.

-Let's roll.

-Yeah.

Let's roll, baby.

That's my hero.

[birds chirping]

[Alan] Is there anything that

I can do to help?

What can we do?

Rehearsal time.

Uh, could you just give us

a few more minutes?

It's okay.

Let's just get this over with

and we'll talk.

[soft instrumental music

playing]

Here we go.

[Alan] Here we go.

Wait, dad, what

is he doing here?

Sophie, honey,

it's all gonna work out

for the best, I think.

Am I missing something?

Who is this that

cometh up out of the wilderness,

that leaneth upon her beloved?

I aroused you

in the apple garden.

There thy mother brought thee

forth.

There she brought thee forth,

that bare thee.

For love is as strong as death.

The coals thereof are coals

of fire which hath a most

vehement flame.

Repeat after me.

I, Alan Rhodes, take you,

Sophie Whitaker.

I, Alan Rhodes, take you,

Sophie Whitaker--

[Bruce]

To be my wife...

To--

I-- I mean, actually,

we're gonna be writing

our own vows, so we can skip

over this part for now.

Yeah.

To be my wife.

Mom.

To be my wife.

[Bruce] To have and to hold...

Have and to hold...

From this day forward...

From this day forward...

[Bruce] For better or for worse.

[Alan] For better or for worse.

For I am a sinner.

For I am a--

What the f*ck, man?

Yeah, no, he said it.

He said it.

[speaks foreign language]

-What? Get off of me.

-[Bruce] You're healed.

[Alan] What is wrong with you?

You're healed

of your blindness.

[Alan] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Bruce] Healed

of your blindness.

Get off of me.

[speaks foreign language]

I can't do this.

What--

Oh my God.

You were supposed

to slay him, not her.

[Bruce]

[speaks foreign language]

We have to get her

to the hospital.

Oh, no, no, no, no,

I don't think it's that bad.

But she's pregnant.

What?

Alan is a smoker.

Dude.

Pregnant?

She can't be pregnant.

No way, man.

It-- it doesn't count

if you don't finish, right?

As long as we don't finish,

we're still virgins.

Do you think that the

all-powerful, all-knowing God

of all the universe

is too stupid

to know that you're boinking

my daughter,

because you pulled out?

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh. Oh.

[Benji]

Oh God, I had premarital sex.

I had premarital sex.

-I have a boyfriend.

-[Bruce] Be healed.

I'm addicted to porn.

You are slaying

the wrong people.

Slay him.

I'm trying.

Come on, man, read the room.

Call an ambulance.

[Bruce] Oh, Lord.

Stu.

-Can you hear me?

-Dad!

[curtain rattles]

[Nurse] Excuse me,

we need to see my husband.

He's in critical condition.

And can't have visitors

right now.

[Stewart] Wait, wait.

Those two.

I w-- I wanna talk to those two.

We're here, dad.

Sophie, Alan, I saw it.

I-- I saw the other side,

and I came back.

I, I don't know how long I have.

I had to-- I had to tell you.

What, daddy?

They showed me the book of life.

They showed me the names that

were there, and Alan,

your name wasn't in it.

And I knew,

I knew immediately what they

were showing me.

And I knew, I knew I had

to come back because, because

my work wasn't done yet.

I have been sent back until

my task is finished.

I am begging you not

to let your pride get in the way

of your eternal salvation.

Alan, please.

I am hanging

on by a thread here, but I have

to know you're safe

before I can go.

[monitor beeping]

[whimpers]

What are the words?

[soft instrumental music

playing]

[blood pressure machine pumping]

Thank you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I don't know

what I'm doing.

[door opening]

[door closes softly]

[machine beeping]

[vending machine clanks]

Here you go.

Thank you, and God bless.

There you go.

I-- I'd love to see you

at service sometime.

[playful music playing]

Sophie, I know what I saw.

You don't believe me?

Hey.

[laughs]

[Alan] What's going on?

How we feeling?

I'm better, I think.

[Alan laughs]

Unbelievable.

I take it back.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

When you're saved, you're saved,

baby.

-[Alan] No, no, no, no.

-No, no, no.

The book of life is written

in ink.

No take-backsies.

I only said it, because you

tricked me into saying it.

You did. You--

Honey, you were there.

Did he mean it?

Dad, did you even have

a heart attack?

I did.

Thankfully, very slight,

and now they're telling me

I have to start drinking

skim milk, sweetie--

So you lied?

No, I did not.

No.

I will admit I was a bit

theatrical,

but nothing I said was untrue.

I... [scoffs]

I can't do this.

I can't do this anymore.

[Sophie] Whoa, whoa, whoa,

what are you saying?

Maybe I should just get

a room with my parents

at the hotel for a little bit,

okay?

-You're welcome to come with me.

-[Stewart] No, no, no.

Honey, it--

You only have one more night

till you're married.

Don't stumble now.

[Alan] We're adults.

We're not hurting anyone.

Just yourselves.

Uh-huh, mm.

Do you really wanna roll the

dice on your soul?

I--

Sophie.

[chuckles]

[Alan] Sophie.

[Alan slurping]

[clicking lighter]

Sir, you can't smoke in here.

I'm making a point.

Please.

Mm.

[clicking lighter]

Are you kidding me?

[glass smashes]

[car alarm beeping]

sh*t.

How could you do this to us?

Uh, to-- to yourself.

Gosh, you are such

a freaking hypocrite.

What? Th-- those--

[Sophie]

Mom, enough.

We've known for a long-a*s time.

Since when?

[quirky instrumental music

playing]

That? That-- that was nothing.

I was just going through

a hard time.

And then there was the one you

left in the car.

All right uh, fine.

I-- I might have been thinking

about my options, but--

And the one

in your Amazon cart right now.

Okay.

You're practically a grown-up.

Isn't it time you get your own

Amazon account?

Oh, so now I'm a grown-up,

but heaven forbid,

I do any grown-up things.

You can do all the grown-up

things as long as you do them

in the right order.

Yeah, and you're one to talk.

Usually,

people wrap up one marriage

before starting another one.

We did the right thing for you.

Don't.

Don't put that sh*t on us.

We're not kids anymore.

God f*cking damn it!

m*therf*cking son of a b*tch!

Clark.

No swearing.

[hammering]

[lighter clicks]

[Stewart singing]

[hammering]

[slow instrumental music

playing]

Hail greater--

-[Patricia] Stewart.

-What?

Stewart, I think it's time.

Um, we know this new situation

is a bit shocking to you.

Um, it's not ideal,

but your mother and I are

in agreement, and no one

is being deceived.

[Grace] Except us.

I cannot believe you judged me

when you're out there

screwing around.

It's not as scandalous

as it seems.

Bruce and I are in a loving,

monogamous relationship,

and your dad

and I both agreed that we would

keep it secret,

so he could keep his job.

Yeah, so for now,

we have to ask you

to please keep this

to yourselves.

We know it's not fair.

We know it's not perfect.

But neither are we.

[Sophie sniffles]

[Stewart]

Oh Sophie, sweetie, please.

It's okay.

We still care very much

for each other.

Stewart, it's not about us.

[Stewart]

Oh.

Oh, Sophie.

Oh, sweetie, I-- I'm sorry,

but I did try to warn you.

The man has no moral center.

At least, we like Alan.

Look, it's not whether someone

is likable.

You know who else was likable,

they say?

Dad, if you compare my fianc

to Hitler, I swear to God.

No, no.

OJ.

Dad,

you are not a martyr.

You are not being persecuted.

You're the one doing the

persecuting.

That is not fair.

Everything I do every day

is because I love all of you.

No, you don't.

You don't love us.

[melancholic piano music

playing]

You have conditional affection

for us, and that is not love.

People can't live like this.

I can't live like this.

Are you

and mom gonna get divorced, too?

No.

No, of course not.

Why would you think that?

Because

of mom's theologic phalluses.

[Mae] Oh.

[speaks Korean]

Mom and dad are okay.

Huh.

[speaks Korean]

Sweet dreams.

[Peter] With another pastor?

[Alan]

Guess she's got a type.

[laughs]

Oh my God.

Guys, what are we doing here?

I'm supposed to get married

in nine hours from now.

Well, what's stopping you?

It's you who left, not her.

Yeah, but all this bullshit

with her family, I don't--

No, no, pardon me for saying,

but with all this talk about

integrity,

didn't you just lie about me

having night terrors?

Look,

I can understand you being

upset about Sophie,

but she's trying

to hold two extremes together,

and she's just doing her best.

[Peter]

I don't know, you know.

Maybe I should have given you

more exposure to this sort

of thing when you were

growing up, you know?

[knocking on door]

Okay.

Oh, hi, Mr. Rhodes.

[Peter] Jean,

let's give 'em a minute.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, no, no.

[Sophie] I should have told you

everything.

I should have told you about

my family.

I should have told you about

my parents.

The reason you didn't meet them

for two years

is because I didn't want you

to meet them.

Slow down.

I wanted to be different,

and I've just been sweeping

everything under the rug, which

is such a f*cking Whitaker thing

to do.

Sophie, Sophie, Sophie,

it's okay.

I'm the one that's sorry.

No.

Yes.

My behavior the last few days

has been...

It's just that your parents,

man, they know how to get to me.

[laughs]

Yeah, tell me about it.

And your mother,

I thought she was on my side.

I really-- I really did.

Yeah, she's a both sides person.

[sighs]

And of course,

I want a family with you.

Of course, I do.

I-- I just needed

to get your dad off my back.

And honestly, I'm a little

worried that we'll--

I know.

I don't want a family like that

either.

[romantic piano music playing]

We okay?

Yeah.

I love you so much.

[Sophie sniffles]

[Sophie] I love you, too.

[door closes softly]

You know,

I took Alan downstairs yesterday

and showed him your little plan.

You what?

I was trying to help.

You Samson and Delilah-ed me.

I did lose

my mojo is 'cause you snuck in

and chopped it off.

Stu, my point is,

given the opportunity

to tell you what you wanted

to hear, he wouldn't.

He's a terribly honest person.

They both are.

Well, he's prideful.

You have more

in common than you think.

Trish, did I make you feel

not good enough?

[emotional string music playing]

Stewart.

I swear I was just trying

to love you.

If you love me,

give me a divorce.

We both know it's what's better

for both of us, and-- and--

and maybe the church elders will

understand.

No, I can't.

Uh, I-- I-- it's wrong.

And I'm sorry.

Me too.

[waves crashing]

[knocking on door]

[door opens]

Hey, honey.

Uh, do you mind if we uh,

if I speak to you alone

for a minute?

Yeah, I-- I do mind actually.

You can talk to both of us.

Okay.

That's fair.

Um, so look, I d-- I just,

I just wanna tell you I'm sorry.

Marriage is hard enough.

You don't need me piling on.

[sighs]

But look, you are always going

to be my little Sophie and--

and-- and it's-- it--

it's not a choice I'm making.

I promise you.

It's just--

it's the old software.

I know

in reality you're grown up.

I know it.

You're gonna do

what you wanna do.

And you certainly don't need

my permission to get married.

Can't imagine you'd even want it

at this point.

But I wondered if I could give

you my blessing,

if you'd even have it.

[soft instrumental music

playing]

[Peter]

Pastor Stewart.

Peter,

can I get you some coffee?

No, no, no, no,

I'm good, thanks.

Well then, what can I do

for you?

Uh, after all the excitement

last night-- [laughs]

Oh.

I didn't know what else you

could possibly--

-No, I'm so sorry. Oh.

-No, no, no, no. It's okay.

It's okay.

You know, to be honest,

it got me, you know,

thinking about, you know,

I-- I've always wondered

if I should've gotten Alan,

you know, more involved

in his religious heritage, so,

um, yeah.

-His religious heritage?

-Yeah.

Um, so I got this.

Um.

[coughs]

You're Jewish.

[laughs]

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm Jewish.

I'm not practicing, you know,

but I-- I thought this might be

a nice nod to tradition.

It's called a uh, a "ketubah".

It's a like a Jewish wedding,

uh, contract.

[Stewart] Yeah. No, no, no,

I know exactly what it is.

Yeah.

Wow.

The seed of Abraham in

my own daughter.

-It s-- it says that?

-No, no, no, I'm sorry. No, no.

But Peter, this is beautiful.

-Oh, thanks. Thanks.

-Oh my goodness.

Yeah. You know, usually it's uh,

it's signed by

two Jewish witnesses.

Yeah.

But um, you know,

I was wondering if uh,

you know, perhaps you would,

you would do us the honor.

Would you-- would you?

-Thank you, Sophie.

-Welcome, welcome.

[birds chirping]

[Sophie humming]

[horn honks]

[keys jangle]

Grace, you can be the maid

of honor, okay?

I don't care.

[Grace] No, it's not that.

I just, um...

I haven't been in a church in

like, seven years, and I just,

um...

[emotional string music playing]

I feel very lucky

to have someone like you

looking out for me.

Yeah, well, you're right.

[laughs]

[laughs]

[Sophie]

Hey, me too.

You're both right.

[laugh]

It would mean a lot to me

to have you there.

You don't have to sing.

You can stand

in the back if you want.

No, no.

I'm gonna be up front with you.

Besides,

Leah just said that I could be

maid of honor, so--

-No, I-- I take it back.

-Oh.

[laugh]

Hey.

Hi.

Uh, Dad.

Hi.

Dad, this is Brian.

[Stewart]

Hey, Brian.

I'm Pastor Stewart.

They call me, "P Stu".

[laughs]

Wow, this suit is sharp.

Is that one of those Brooks

Brothers or something?

It's nice.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

[Jared] So dad,

I was doing some research after

our talk last night.

[Stewart]

Oh?

[Jared]

Yeah.

Divorced men aren't usually

allowed to remain pastors,

but there are a lot

of remarried pastors.

Oh,

like a Santa Clause 2 situation.

What's that?

Well, you know, you--

The one where he has

to get remarried by Christmas

or can't be Santa Claus

anymore.

Yeah, whatever.

Uh, listen, Jared, uh,

I just think it's a little late

in the game for me.

[laughs]

I just don't know if I have it

in me.

But listen, I appreciate you

looking into it for me.

I can see you becoming a very

compassionate minister.

It was Mae's idea.

-Mae?

-Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah. She um, she's really good

at that sort of thing.

[laughs]

I actually wanted

to ask you what you'd think

about the idea of um, of me,

well, of us.

Of what?

What if I don't finish seminary?

[emotional music playing]

Oh.

[knocking on door]

How you holding up, big guy?

Oh, boy.

They're all slipping through

my fingers, Helen.

They're growing up.

That's supposed to happen.

[Stewart]

Hm, but not like this.

A father has a responsibility

to set them on a good path,

to raise up a child

in the way he should go.

I blew it.

Oh boy, I blew it, and I seem

to have blown it

with all of 'em

in one way or another.

And you know, I have been trying

to be more accepting,

but there are just some things--

It's a long road, Stu.

And I have my limits.

In the Prodigal Son story,

when the kid wants to leave,

what does the father do?

Does he grab the kid by the

ankles and beg him to stay?

No.

Does he beat himself over the

head and blame himself

for failing?

No.

What does he do?

Hmm.

He lets him go.

[slow acoustic guitar music

playing]

Who gives this woman

to be married?

That's me.

Well, uh, her mother and I do.

[laughs]

So normally, when I begin, um,

you know,

a ceremony like this, I like

to begin with the Lord's Supper.

Um, but because

of your personal preferences,

I think we can be forgiven

for making a slight modification

to the traditional ceremony.

Excuse me.

[slow acoustic guitar music

playing]

[laughs]

[Stewart]

Why didn't you tell me?

I love the Old Testament.

It's like

my second favorite testament.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

[smashes glass]

[crowd cheering]

[applauding]

[whistling]

Mazel tov.

[dance music playing]

Oh, that dance floor

is k*lling me.

[Stewart laughs]

[Stewart] Mm.

One more, garcon.

[laughs]

Dad, um, Brian and I have

something to tell you.

Oh, it's not necessary,

Clark.

-No, it's--

-I-- I-- I get the picture.

Can you just hear him out,

please?

Sure.

Pastor Whitaker,

I just thought I should warn you

about a man named

Bruce Gustafson, who's been--

Well,

he's kinda been hanging around.

Yeah, yeah.

You know him?

He um, used to be my pastor.

Your pastor?

Oh, so you went

to Living Waters.

I still do.

Look, I-- I--

I don't understand.

He was fired a few months ago.

What?

Why?

Well, how do I--

how do I put this delicately?

Um, well, he-- he's kinda

sort of an--

as*h*le.

[grunts]

[crowd gasps]

Nobody cheats on my wife.

Ow.

Whoa.

[grunting]

Hey, get off of my dad.

[groaning]

[dishes clatters]

[Erwin] Son, that's enough.

Come on.

All right.

What is going on here?

You were getting

cucked by a false prophet.

I'm so sorry.

I had no idea he--

[Patricia] The bridesmaid?

Really?

Baby, she didn't know the Lord.

All right, enough.

Boys, get him out of here.

[panting]

You all right, Stu?

I'm good, Erwin.

I'm good.

Well, I got cucked,

and you got cucked.

And with the measure you use,

it will be measured to you.

[Patricia] Don't talk. Just let

me-- let me clean you up.

[sniffles]

No, no, no. No, no, sweetie.

Baby, baby, baby.

I think it's time

to call it quits.

-Benji, where are we going?

-Right here--

Stop.

We're gonna miss the big exit.

Is where,

is where it all started.

Oh, that's thoughtful

and kind of weird.

Oh my God.

[soft instrumental music

playing]

I know we got some stuff

to figure out.

But, you know,

maybe this is a sign.

-Benji.

-Leah, I love you.

Benji, you don't have to say

that just 'cause I'm pregnant.

[Benji] I-- I'm not.

I-- I--

I got this the day after

we accidentally had

premarital sex

for the first time.

I've just been working up

the courage.

So...

Leah Whitaker,

will you marry me?

No.

What?

I-- I don't understand.

This is-- this

is how we make it right.

Are you-- are-- are you not

thinking about that right now?

Wait, you're-- you're not

thinking about actually--

[Leah] I am.

I'm gonna keep the baby.

And-- and I want you to be

a part of its life.

If you want--

Either we're a family

or we're not.

Do you wanna be a family?

[soft instrumental music

playing]

[crowd cheering]

[Leah crying]

[intense music playing]

[Stewart takes deep breath]

[Erwin] I called a meeting with

the board of elders.

Tried everything I could.

I'm sorry.

Leading this flock

with you has been one

of the great honors of my life.

And who am I

to get upset that the chapter

is coming to an end?

Mm-mm. I'm just going to quietly

give my final sermon

and then I'm going to go home

and pull a Noah.

What? Build an ark?

No, no, no. After the ark.

Oh, yeah.

Drink too much

and get butt naked.

[laughs] Bingo.

[laughs]

Yeah.

Did you at least get things

together with Alan?

Get 'em straightened out?

I succeeded

in doing some damage control.

That's about it.

Hmm.

Well, you know,

don't give up hope, Stu.

I mean, even Darwin converted

on his deathbed, you know?

What if that was a hoax?

[sighs]

[clock ticking]

[sighs]

[dings]

[exhales]

[Stewart] St. Thomas Aquinas

understood love to be an act

of the will.

He called it a binding force,

a movement

of the will simultaneously

toward good that one wills

and the person

for whom one wills it.

[snoring]

We are...

[soft instrumental music

playing]

[Stewart] Um.

[Stewart clears throat]

You know,

the Bible says that God loves us

like a father loves

his children.

And speaking as a parent myself,

I can tell you what that's like.

And I can tell you that He wants

to give you everything.

But if He made your lives

perfect,

He would be taking away

your humanity.

And then...

[Stewart sniffles]

[Stewart] We would just be like

Roombas vacuuming up

God's carpet.

[Stewart laughs, sniffles]

So what is it that makes us

different than a Roomba?

[paper crinkles]

[upbeat music playing]

[acoustic guitar music playing]