Egghead Republic (2025)

[bunniefuu]

I'm calling on behalf of Kalamazoo

Herald and Mr. Dino Davis.

He's on a plane to

our Stockholm office now.

We just wanted to make sure

you've gotten the DVD we sent you.

He's known as one of the most

depraved, disputed

and influential writers of all time.

Bob Singleton.

You've been called many

names over the years.

An anarchist, a blasphemer,

even a pornographer.

A la-di-da man, a mad man.

A mad man as well.

After the publication of your

debut novel Horny Youth

there were 22 m*rder attempts...

- 23 m*rder attempts.

- 23... m*rder attempts.

And now we find you here,

in a desolate

and frankly even more

hazardous place

living right next

to a radiation zone.

Tell me Bob, what is it that

brought you here?

The simple life.

You see, in order

to create exceptional works

one must put oneself in

an exceptional frame of mind.

You cannot tell a story

without experiencing it yourself.

That's the truth, kiddos!

That's the God damn truth.

No, no, no.

Hi.

That's not the Kalamazoo Herald.

That's the way the old school boring

suit-and-tie media does it.

Have you read our magazine?

Seen any of our shows?

We're daredevils! We go places

others never get access to.

On the cover you put the North Korean

chick with the Kalashnikov.

Oh my God, Turan!

Come here!

- Brother, did I miss you!

- You too man.

Let me see those palms.

- Still get horny on flights?

- Yeah.

- How many times you whacked?

- Twice on the flight.

You got to conserve that

groove juice.

I save it up all week,

then gift it to the world.

Sonja!

Come meet my best friend

in the whole f*cked up world.

- Hi. Sonja.

- Turan.

Turan Hiram.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Do you want to see

my portfolio?

Yeah, sure I do.

Who has cigarettes?

I need a f*cking smoke.

You know how these work?

No... no.

It's pretty simple.

You just hook this on the back

and then this little wire

is going under your shirt.

Okay.

I'm Gemma. I'll be one of

the cinematographers on this trip.

I'm Sonja. I'll be the illustrator.

I thought you said she

would be co-hosting?

But you said I was going

to illustrate?

I can host too. It's just that

I've never done it before.

- You'll be great. Look at you.

- Well.

What the f*ck is happening

with this mic?

- I'm sorry.

- It's not your job.

You're thirsty?

You want something to drink?

- Gin and tonic.

- Gin and tonic. How sophisticated.

One GT over here and one

vodka soda for me!

Are you nervous?

You want a little medicine?

Okay!

Alright, sounds on.

Camera rolling.

Alright buddy, we're here

at the Scandinavia office...

Try that again.

Alright, let's go.

We're here at the Kalamazoo

Herald's Scandinavia office.

But we're about to go somewhere

much more remote.

We're entering into the radioactive Zone

in Kazakhstan.

Yes, you m*therf*ckers.

We just had our first drink

because we can't believe this sh*t

is about to happen.

We've been given permission

for the first time ever

into the Zone at the IRAS.

The Institute for Radiation Arts

and Sciences.

Here some of the world's greatest minds

have been given residency

but we don't give a f*ck

about them.

We give a sh*t about what's behind

that long a*s wall.

What's behind that m*therf*cker?

We've all heard the rumors.

Herds of radioactive centaur.

Do you think the photos are real?

I don't think they're real centaurs.

Who gives a f*ck?

They're mutated f*cking mules!

I want to see a real freak

of radiation! Don't you?

Here with me, I have Sonja Schmidt.

She is a...

An artist.

Okay. You're an artist.

But you're also a...

A person.

She is indeed a person.

She also happens to be the living

relative of the great Arno S... f*ck.

Let's do it again.

It's all good.

Alright. I have Sonja Schmidt

here with me.

She is a living relative of

the late writer Arno Schmidt,

somewhat of a Homeros

for Bob Singleton

who vouched for our invitation

into the Zone.

You know about Bob Singleton?

Yes.

He won the Nobel Prize.

But tell us about your great uncle.

Who was Arno Schmidt?

He was a German writer...

from Germany.

Who...

I'm sorry.

- German writer from Germany.

- No, it's okay!

We got the part about Bob Singleton

wanting to meet her...

- Along with the centaurs?

- Yeah yeah yeah, that was good.

- Dino! You came!

- Heeeello.

Bring the beer inside.

This f*cking dude says I can't

come inside with the cigarette.

You need to put your cigarette down!

I'm not going to tell you...

- The cigarette is the culprit.

- Just put the cigarette down.

Why? He could basically

buy this whole place!

He owns the Kalamazoo Herald!

You're embarrassing yourself.

Am I a good boy?

Can I come in now?

- Welcome...

- Thank you.

Bloody Americans.

You have to let me do the poster.

I have some really cool ideas.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Yeah.

- Oh my God.

- Hi. How are you?

I'm good, thank you.

Why are you speaking English?

I don't know...

How are you man?

Good! How are you doing?

Huge fan, huge fan of your empire.

He's a musician.

You should sign him.

I do electronic music.

You know DJ Hell?

That Berlin guy.

He's from Mnich.

Yeah, that's true!

You should take my card.

Dealing ear-candy, to the nation?

That's what I do.

He's a really huge fan of me.

I'm a huge fan of you too.

- Do you want something to drink?

- Yeah.

Just so you know,

I'm not drunk.

This will not affect my work.

Come here.

You should lie down.

Come lie down.

So, you're a l*sbian?

- What?

- Are you bisexual?

Do you sleep with men?

- Yeees.

- Yeees. I'm glad to hear that.

Don't worry. I have a rule.

I don't sleep with people

I'm working with. Promise.

Hey, man.

What stations you got?

I want to hear a love song.

We have Lugna Favoriter.

And also Mix Mega...

I don't know what the f*ck

you're saying man.

Just put on a ballad.

- This is you?

- Yes, this is me.

- Okay, bye.

- Bye?

Wait, what? Bye?

I'm sorry. I'm just so tired.

But I'll see you tomorrow then?

Yeah.

- Okay.

- I'll see you tomorrow Princess.

Yes!

Shut that door.

You see, in order

to create exceptional works

one must put oneself

in an exceptional frame of...

Exceptional.

Frame of mind.

To me it sounds

like they are using you.

I know that.

But I'm gonna use them too.

This is a huge opportunity for me.

- Like huge.

- How can it be an huge opportunity?

Sonja, explain to me.

I'm gonna illustrate

for the Kalamazoo Herald.

There's a million people

that can do that.

I'm even gonna illustrate

the poster.

No one my age has ever done

that before.

If you want to become

an illustrator,

why don't you apply for...

I don't know.

An art school?

What is it you don't understand?

Art schools don't teach you anything!

Okay, sorry. I just want you

to live a happy life.

But I am happy Sina!

I'm very very happy.

- You're the only sister I have Sonja.

- The train is coming now.

- I can't talk to you.

- Sonja, wait!

Thank you.

You are welcome.

- Good?

- Yeah.

Listen, everybody here

does a little bit of everything.

Nobody is just one thing,

nobody is just a journalist.

- I hope you're not too disappointed?

- No.

We've got to keep the cameras

rolling all the time.

Catch that gold.

Got to stay loyal to reality.

I totally understand.

I actually drew that.

You did? You drew this?

Yeah.

Hey Turan, she drew the cover.

I was four, so...

This is beautiful.

It's very artistic.

The more I look at it,

the more I see.

What'd your great uncle

think of it?

I don't know.

I actually never met him.

Let's not tell them that at

the IRAS.

You didn't know him?

No. My sister did,

but she's much older and German.

What does she do?

She's a therapist.

- sh*t.

- Yikes.

We got the good one.

I make people into stars,

I make them become Gods.

You know you could be huge?

You think?

I know.

- But you haven't seen my portfolio.

- It doesn't matter.

Right now you're here,

but you could be there...

Go be the hero.

I'm serious. Go be the hero.

My little sister.

My little Pippi Longstockings.

What are you doing here?

I have no idea what all the fuss over

this writer is about.

Let's have another drink.

Yeah.

SOVIET KAZAKHSTAN

AFTER THE HOT DAYS

All right. Major Pluvus.

Dino Davis from

the Kalamazoo Herald.

Nice to finally meet you.

Miss Schmidt.

On behalf of IRAS, the Institute

of Radiation Art and Science.

I'd like to welcome you here.

The work of your uncle means a lot

to Mr Singleton.

You are our honored guest.

Thanks.

- Wow, thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Very nice.

- Follow me.

Gemma! Come on, let's go.

I had Gemma, our second cameraman.

Excuse me, camera woman

head into the system...

Systembolaget.

That place in Stockholm,

to get some booze.

We all know you can't get vodka

in Kazakhstan anymore.

It's insane.

The land the Gods abandoned.

We all know the story,

the Cold w*r turned hot.

- Hotter than hotter.

- Yeah.

Why don't you take it away?

Tell us about that Sonja.

A Soviet nuclear b*mb was

shot down by the US

and exploded in Kazakhstan

which made a huge area into

a wasteland.

- An area the size of f*cking Texas.

- Yeah.

When they evacuated,

it was really warm weather.

That's why it's called

the Hot Days.

Hotter than hotter.

That was adorable.

You're getting

the hang of it, aren't you?

What about you?

What were you doing

during these historic times?

I'm not on camera.

Sorry, sir.

Sonja, can you please try to

look into my camera?

- Oh, sorry.

- I'm the main photographer.

There it is... the wall.

The only thing shielding us from

the most radioactive spot on Earth.

Behind it centaurs are

galloping in harmony

holding hands and hoofs.

There are no centaurs in the Zone.

As you'll see for yourself.

Thanks.

You're not gonna ask what

it is first?

You're crazy girl.

I love it. By the way,

sign right there.

And give me one of those things.

Thank you.

Erm... What is it?

It's iodine. Helps with the radiation.

I meant...

Thank you.

Since our doors opened in 1958,

over 120 geniuses

from both the Soviet Union

and the USA

have stayed at the residence.

One more thing.

I'm afraid our Nobel laureate,

Mr. Singleton, has communicated

he wishes not to be disturbed.

No, no, hold on. Wait.

- I thought he wanted to meet Sonja.

- Well, he does.

But he's writing a new novella.

That's a bummer.

The hero of my God damn youth.

No show...

Good start.

Is it time for the Geigers now?

They're working.

No no no... later.

It's time for your screenings.

They'll be held in the Soviet sector.

- It's an honor to meet you.

- Likewise.

You work and live here?

You're a scientist?

I'm not a scientist.

I'm Professor Schukovski.

I'm the best scientist in the world.

Open your mouth, please.

We must do more testing on you.

What are we testing for?

We need to know

you're fit for the radiation.

You can lie down.

Your blood type?

It's okay, we'll sort it out.

She is a serious admirer of you.

How have you seen my work?

The talent runs in the blood.

You're like the holy of holies

to me.

I'm just very excited

to be in your presence.

You can sign these books.

Should I write my uncle's name

or my name?

- You can write both.

- Okay.

Dedicate it to Bob Singleton.

Dearest, Love...

- Okay.

- Whatever you feel is good for you.

So, how do you feel?

I feel like royalty

and my hangover is gone.

It's because we've circulated

your blood.

You can choose one.

This.

Sergeant Barcoff will get back

to you.

This is a matter of life

and death.

Whenever you are outside

your vehicle in the Zone,

your protective gear

must be worn at all times

or the radiation

will penetrate your bones.

Is there any questions?

Yeah, I got a question.

How much groove juice have you

saved up here?

We don't have juice here.

Okay.

Mobile phones, please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate how gently

you put down your phone.

Welcome to the Zone.

Is this it?

Everything's just f*cking white.

You brought your own counter?

It takes a lot to mutate animals.

There's no way the radiation

they reported at the Institute is enough.

Knock it off.

- What...

- We f*cking talked about this.

Shut the f*ck up!

I'm just.. I'm just saying.

f*cking say less!

Sergeant Barcoff,

Dino to Sergeant Barcoff.

Barcoff's listening. Over.

This f*cked up melted mountain

to the left, can we go up there?

We want to get an overview.

That's a negative sir.

There's risk of landslides here.

Okay. Thank you very much

Bar-cough.

f*cking pale-faced-sperm-sucker!

We will camp here for the night

and continue tomorrow.

Bullshit baffles brains.

Let's get to it.

Game faces on, right.

We're the Kalamazoo Herald!

Stepping outdoors.

There's a tingly sensation

in my body.

It's hard to tell if that's the radiation,

or the nerves hitting me.

Follow me to the safe Zone.

New York Times,

The Washington Post.

None of these hacks

have made it inside here.

- We f*cking did it!

- Gemma you're in my shot.

What are you doing?

- Huh?

- Sorry, I didn't see you.

Go charge some batteries

or something.

Yeah, go!

Alright guys!

- We did it.

- Legendary.

This is the first footage of the Zone

ever released.

We're writing history.

We're writing history.

Team Kalamazoo!

Oh yeah that's a nice shot.

Oh, look at you!

- You didn't get a patch?

- No.

What did they do at your

screening then?

Not much to be honest,

they just checked my temperature.

They circulated my whole blood.

- What does that even mean?

- I don't know.

I don't get why they are so

obsessed with me.

Or, with my great uncle.

Look, I've been meaning to ask

you something.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but are you getting paid to be here?

No, not really.

Not at all?

No.

So we're both doing it for

the exposure?

Yeah.

I mean, it's great exposure.

Isn't it?

Yeah and I'm gonna make sure

I'll be the one to do the poster.

I'm sure you will.

If he doesn't choose one of my photos

over your illustrations.

Just so you know.

Okay.

We have a South Eastern

wind today

so the radiation is extra high.

On this plateau you get a good view

of the surroundings.

Not really. No.

Yes. Enjoy.

He's babysitting us.

- It's a f*cking horse and pony show.

- Yeah.

Barcoff. We came here to see the impact

zone. That's what we want to see.

The road is diverted

for a reason.

I'm sure it is.

Can I get Dino and Sonja only.

Clear the frame.

Jesus f*ck!

Give us a little space.

Let an artist paint.

13 400... 500... holy sh*t!

Without these suits on we would

be dead in a couple of days.

You're getting worried?

Maybe.

- I'm worried.

- Yeah...

We need to get a freaky animal

on camera.

We can't get home with nothing.

I think Barcoff has the hots for me.

Barcoff would f*ck

a pile of hot rocks

if he could find a hole

small enough.

Maybe I can...

try to convince him

to take a detour?

Come here my illustrator.

You got this.

- So hot!

- Yes, it's very hot.

Yeah.

I wanted to thank you for taking

so good care of us.

I feel very safe with you.

But we kind of need to see some

mutated animals or something.

I would love to help,

but I'm only following orders.

Pluvus doesn't have to know.

Please.

There is maybe something.

Careful.

- Give me your hand.

- Thanks.

There it is.

We call it... the pup.

Wow...

Cool.

Now you have to show me

some real animals.

Who says there are

any animals here?

I'm sorry!

I'm really sorry.

- Oh. Your arm!

- The glove!

- sh*t!

- But the-

- It's... it's okay.

But the radiation?

The radiation here in this precise spot,

isn't that high.

It's an exception.

- I... think I have to go back.

- Yes.

Yes... No!

Stop!

You don't say a word about this.

About what just happened.

Is that clear?

- You lived in London?

- Yeah.

- Did you work for me in London?

- Yes.

I used to hang out a lot at that bar.

Lights Last? That's my grill.

I own it.

- You own that as well?

- Yeah. I do.

That's cool.

That's where I met Mathias.

- Is Mathias your boyfriend?

- He's my ex-husband.

We're going through a divorce

at the moment. Not fun.

Having one of those? I'm sorry.

You know I'm going to

let you sh**t the poster?

Barcoff massaged my back.

- Okay?

- But I got scared for real.

You got scared of what?

Catching the hazmat herp?

Some hazmat herpes coming your way?

He told me not to say this,

but he got exposed to radiation.

- Barcoff got exposed?

- Yeah.

What?

He had this huge gap

between his glove and his suit.

He said it didn't matter because

there was no radiation

at that certain spot.

That is not what our counters said.

Yeah, I know. It's weird.

- Turan.

- Yeah?

It's fine... We'll be good.

Barcoff here.

There's a little bit of sand

ahead of us.

Stay close to our tail lights,

otherwise you might get lost.

Aye aye Captain.

f*ck.

Wait, what if the windows crack guys?

Then we'll get fried.

Turan, get that!

Get her frightened face.

- Say the window thing again.

- I didn't say it.

Just make him happy.

The windows might crack.

- No. That was so fake.

- It's not gonna win you any Oscars.

- The windows might crack.

- Again...

- Hey, you need to commit to this! Okay?

- Yeah.

Take it serious.

Do it again. Don't overact.

Say: the windows will crack!

The window might- will crack.

- I'm sorry.

- Don't waste any more tape.

Anybody seen any Minatours?

If we took off now

I don't think they would notice.

If we what?

If we just took off.

I don't think they would notice

because we don't see the cars.

I don't think that's a good idea.

I can't see anything.

That's good thinking Princess.

Great minds think alike.

Gemma slow down.

Just a little bit.

- Turn now!

- Go!

Go, go, go!

- I can't see anything.

- That's the whole point!

Drive, drive, drive.

Drive!

Hey, Barcoff.

We've lost the road,

I'm not sure we're even

on it anymore.

Stay where you are.

Okay. Copy that. Roger.

Ten four out.

Take the batteries out

so they can't track this.

Smash it open!

Were you rolling on that?

Yeah.

I f*cking did.

Wait. Do that again.

Oh my God.

We tried to find our way back

with the tracks, but we can't find them.

Just try to remain calm.

Also, keep the headlights

on so we'll be able to see you.

- Soon it will be dark. Over.

- Copy that. And the headlights are... on.

Copy. Now honk the horn

every thirty seconds. Over.

Got that. Gemma,

would you honk the horn?

- Got it.

- No, don't shut the lights!

Now we're finally on our own

in the forbidden Zone.

And cut.

Holy sh*t. Let me see that.

I can't believe

we got that on camera.

This is the best work

of my f*cking career, I'm telling you.

Ooh! Oh my God!

You should have gotten that

on film.

- You thought it was a centaur, didn't you?

- I wish it was a centaur.

As soon as the sun

comes up tomorrow,

we're going to go out there

and film a bunch of mutated sh*t.

But for now, this is gold.

This is G-O-L-D.

We cheated the f*cking military.

- We almost died.

- We almost died, baby.

You are a f*cking star.

All right. Come on kiddos.

Let's drink up.

Surely we didn't break every bottle.

Come on, come on.

Oh, it lives!

What are you wearing?

It's lead.

To protect my sperm.

I might want to have kids one day.

I thought the reason you broke up

with Rebecca

- was because you didn't want kids.

- Well, no... I don't think...

Listen! I don't think this place

is radioactive at all.

My geiger counter is showing

nothing outside.

- Are you sure it's not broken?

- No, it works.

This contains a small amount

of uranium. Like any old watch.

Look what happens when I put

this counter to it?

Nothing. And this is going

wild outside.

Yeah, it's like tick tick tick.

Try my watch.

You see?

sh*t, try the Rolex.

Stop bullshitting me.

I think the military counters

are rigged.

Honestly, I think this whole

f*cking place is a hoax.

Think about it. Why won't they

show us the impact area?

And what about Barcoff's

strange behavior when he got exposed?

That was so weird.

- No...

- Yes, that was so weird.

No, no. I mean, no f*cking way.

There's no f*cking radiation

in the radioactive Zone?

- Exactly.

- What the f*ck!

Holy sh*t.

- This is a f*cking scoop buddy.

- What a scoop!

Holy sh*t.

Listen, right now you're here.

But you could be there.

Top floor.

I want you to sh**t

all our upcoming shows.

Are you sure?

Of course I am.

What do I have to do to

get one of these?

Get creative.

I think we should get some

sleep, right?

Yeah. Good idea.

So what are we doing tomorrow?

Find out what they really hide

in this place.

What do you think that is?

- Nukes.

- Another A-b*mb.

- It's always weapons.

- What?

That's scary.

It can make good illustrations!

Is it silly to say that maybe

the Gods sent this storm

to show us they haven't

forgotten this place?

- No.

- Yeah.

Yeah, it's a silly thing to say.

Alright.

Time for bed everybody.

Come here.

Dino please stop.

Gemma, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Hey, you can come sleep

upfront if you want.

Uh-uh.

Imagine that you're walking

in total darkness.

You can't see anything,

so you light a match.

What you can see in this light

is the "ich". Your I.

But your self can be expanded.

And allow you to see more clearly.

There are no free lunches...

For f*ck's sake Gemma.

Slow down.

I can't get a steady shot.

- How long have I been asleep?

- A couple of hours.

Guys, I forgot to clarify something

before we left.

f*ck sake Dino.

That's a b*mb.

That's the nuke right there.

What have you eaten?

Nothing. Here, you want

some lunch?

Thanks.

God, I think I shat my pants.

Seriously, we have no water left.

Maybe it's time to call the military

and get back to the Institute.

Before we find out the truth?

We can cut to a panel, discussing

what they might be hiding here

and confront them from back

home where we're safe.

Don't be a chicken.

Hold on. Let's put it to a vote.

This is a democracy.

All in favor of going home like

chicken-sh*t-pussies, raise your hand.

sh*t. What is that?

Stop! Turn around.

Get up here. Straight.

Look, what the f*ck is that?

Cactuses?

We're gonna pretend they are

super mutated.

Let's roll.

Aren't we looking for weapons?

Rolling? All right, friends.

We just rolled up on a virtual forest

of desert radioactive cacti.

But there's no radiation.

We all f*cking know there's

no radiation.

We're suspending our disbelief.

TV magic.

We're trying to create some tension.

I don't know why the f*ck

I'm explaining that to you.

So let's get out there

and put the f*cking suits on.

I'll be like John Wayne

And you can be...

Ingrid Bergman.

No, Jean Arthur.

You're Jean Arthur.

- You know who Jean Arthur is?

- No.

She's like an American Greta Garbo,

you know who that is right?

- Yes

- Legendary, okay?

No, I want to be

Niki de Saint Phalle.

Shush, shush.

Niki de Saint Phalle,

I really want to be her.

Who is Niki de Saint Phalle?

She is the one with

the really big women and all colors...

Shut the f*ck up.

What are you talking about?

I don't know who you're talking about.

Shush!

This moment is not about you.

- I'm sorry.

- Just stop.

Just do as I say.

Yeah.

Alright.

We're gonna head out

there into the f*cking desert.

We're gonna film some super

mutated sh*t

and break new ground.

Me and you.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Everybody on board?

Team Kalamazoo.

Let's go.

Watch where you're going.

We have to do that again!

Stop trying to steal my job.

How am I stealing your job?

I'm not even getting

paid for this trip.

You're constantly trying to hog

the best angles. Stop that.

You have no f*cking idea what

I have to do.

I have a pretty good idea

of what you're doing.

Come on Gemma.

I need this shot!

You're my main photographer now.

C'mon let's go.

Let's see if I can crack this

f*ck open, huh?

What a desert mystery.

Look it's full of milk!

You want a sip?

Cool off from the heat?

Whaaaat?

Oh sh*t.

Did you f*cking do it?

Did you drink it?

Show me.

You are such a gangster.

I love this f*cking girl.

Oh sh*t. How does it feel?

Keep rolling, Gemma.

This is journalism.

- This is f*cking journalism!

- Stop!

Call for help.

Call the military!

Try to puke. Put two

fingers in your mouth.

- No, I wanna do this.

- She's fine.

- Let's keep on working.

- No!

We break new ground.

- What?

- Let's do this now.

There's no radiation here, man.

What's the f*cking danger?

She just drank from a cactus.

We have no idea what

that can do to her.

Who drinks from a cactus?

- John Wayne.

- In a movie!

I am John Wayne.

We're about to make

a big scoop here, man.

We're close to something major.

Then why have we been wasting

our time on this scene?

Excuse me?

Why have we been sh**ting

a John Wayne travesty?

If you don't call for help, I will.

I'm turning on the walkie.

Don't you f*cking go

against me.

Don't you ever go against me!

You f*cking hear me with your

cracked up ear holes?

Gemma, come on.

I need you.

He tried to k*ll me

because he isn't John Wayne?

We shouldn't have brought

you here.

You shouldn't be here.

It's officially over.

We're being kicked out

of this f*cking hellhole.

Cut.

Why the f*ck did you drink

from that cactus?

You told me to do it.

I don't think I've met a more

desperate human being in my life.

Sad. That's what you are.

And you're a liar.

You're a big, fat, liar.

You told me you are loyal to reality.

But you're not loyal at all.

You f*ck your employees.

You don't even pay them so

they're not even your employees.

Is it truth time?

You wanna share a little bit?

I got something for you.

You are a flake.

That's fine.

You blend in with all the other

morons on this planet.

But me, I'm as big as it gets.

Take a look at your f*cking life.

I'm Dino f*cking Davis.

Who the f*ck are you?

Does the military know

where we are?

Yes, the f*cking military

knows where we're here.

I told Pluvus we had a dead walkie

and we soldered it today.

We're up and running.

We better get some material

before they get here.

Come on, cameras up!

Let's f*cking go.

I don't wanna go with him.

I'm gonna stay with her.

No you're f*cking not.

I need two cameras.

I need your compositions.

No, don't go

Shut the f*ck up.

You're my star.

I don't feel good.

I'm sorry.

He's right.

He needs my compositions.

I'll be right back.

You probably shouldn't eat that.

I've done it. It's not...

Yooouu daaank fooom

cactooooff?

I'm sorry what are you saying?

You drank from cactuuus?

- Yes. How did you know that?

- Cactus.

Oh? Is this from the cactus?

You in luuuuuv?

I'm in... what?

I thought you were an IRAS member,

Or some kind of great artist.

You drink to get horny.

- Horny?

- Yes.

I'm Sonja.

Thaaaalia.

Thalia? Sonja.

- Ooiia.

- Sonja

Oooia.

Ssssss-onja.

Sonja.

Yeah, that's me.

Miiii birthda.

Is it your birthday?

Happy birthday.

I wish I could give you

something.

I don't have anything.

Do you want...

Do you want this?

Her tongue was a bit bigger.

Like, really big.

And her kisses tasted like grass.

It's hard to describe but it was

a real connection.

It was great. It felt like we

were kissing for hours.

We were only gone for 30 minutes.

That's okay.

You're trying to make up

for f*cking the whole thing up.

It was a real connection.

Well, you said that she spoke

really slowly?

Maybe that's why.

She taaaalked liiike this.

Whaaats yooour naaame...

sh*t. That's good.

What else did she say?

You drink from the cactuses

to get horny.

To get horny?

- I couldn't stop staring at her breasts.

- I bet.

And she wanted my bracelet,

so I gave it to her.

- And the hat.

- Turan's hat?

It was her birthday,

so I had to give her something.

Well, we found Turan's hat

before we found you.

You don't believe I met a centaur?

Hey, you had sex.

Tell us about the sex.

No I didn't have sex.

We kissed a lot.

Okay. So you didn't have sex.

You had some self-loving?

Let's be honest. You got horny

after we left, and you whacked off.

I don't want to be a part of this.

Can you please stop Gemma?

Stop filming me.

This whole part has to be cut out.

I don't want to be known as

an animal f*ck.

It's a zoophile.

The Herald dedicated

an entire issue to that.

For your information, you signed

an NDA and release form

back in the Jeep

at the wall station.

You are whatever

the f*ck I say you are.

sh*t!

They're here already.

That was fast. Suit up!

Turan!

Turan, we got to suit up!

Wake the f*ck up.

We got to suit up.

Come on.

Wake up.

f*ck!

We need to go full Pulp Fiction

on this, man.

- Go put it in Sonja.

- I'm not putting it up her a*s!

I don't care what hole.

a*s, p*ssy, it just has to go inside.

No, no, no!

I'll f*cking do it.

Wait, wait!

Sonja! Sonja!

Hey, Princess.

I need you to hide this for me?

I need you to hide the gold.

- It's not gold.

- Yes, it is.

And gold needs to be hidden

inside the vault.

No. No!

Front or back.

It's going inside!

No!

- No!

- Come on!

- It's going in.

- Stop!

This is unacceptable.

What on Earth have

you done to her?

Nothing! She's having a heatstroke.

She took her overalls off.

- I couldn't stop her.

- What?

She's choking out.

She drank from a cactus!

- She did what?

- She drank from a cactus.

- One of these cactuses?

- Yeah.

These cactuses

are genetically manipulated.

They use the extract during surgery.

Oh f*ck.

I'm gonna get so punished for this.

Listen. We have to get you

to a hospital immediately.

Do you hear me?

Nice and easy.

You need to see a doctor.

Otherwise you are going to die.

Yes, yes, you will need

an antidote.

- I can't feel my legs.

- Help me up.

Open the door!

- You need to get the antidote.

- No.

Talk to me!

Go faster, god damn it!

I am driving fast!

I'm taking you to the real IRAS.

The real IRAS?

Nothing is what it seems here.

I'm not even a real soldier.

What do you mean?

Professional soldiers aren't allowed

inside the Zone.

What about that guy

who picked us up?

Pluvus? He's a Major.

But he's not welcome inside here.

Keep talking to her.

Do not let her die!

Hey, look at me... Sonja.

Hey, hey.

Open your eyes. Sonja?

Open your eyes!

If he goes about

to expand the dream...

... if he would offer to say

what mere thought I've had.

The eye of man

have not heard.

The ear of man

have not seen.

Man's hand not able to taste

his tongue to conceive,

nor his heart to report

what my dream was.

I have had a most rare vision.

I thought I heard someone.

You deserve a proper welcome.

So welcome to the real IRAS,

the Institute of Radical Art

and Science.

The radical?

It's radical. It's not radioactive.

It was never radioactive.

There was never a b*mb?

No, no b*mb.

Only this expl*sive agreement between

the US and the Soviet Union.

So we can do all the art

and science we want

without any regulations.

Pluvus calls your group

a bunch of coke heads.

Do you fancy cocaine?

No I'm fine.

You see, we have all types

of drugs here.

I've only taken what you had

- the cacti extract - when I was operated.

The hallucinations are interesting,

but there are better options.

Hallucinations?

Perceptual disorders is what

the scientist likes to call them.

So what I experienced wasn't...

real?

I met a centaur.

But maybe there are no...?

There are centaurs.

I can assure you.

Okay. That's good.

Her name was Thalia.

Thalia, yes. I love her.

It was her birthday yesterday,

big 25. Whoa, whoa.

I didn't know she

turned 25 years.

Oh, it's moons.

You know, a centaur's

life is counted in months.

So she's like, two years.

Two years, one month.

She's such a naughty girl.

I thought she was older than two.

Can I show you what

I'm most proud of?

Let's go.

I'm the only one who's been

transbraining for over 20 years.

For Russian people

there is no impossible.

No, no. Listen...

You deviated from our escort.

No. We got separated in the storm.

That was not intentional.

You violated our instructions.

You brought your own geiger counter.

Listen. One of my team has had

a paranoid episode. He's useless.

- I brought him here on mercy.

- Stop lying.

I'm not the only one lying

here, am I?

You might be a major, but these

guys are not professionals.

Look at this guy.

Do you want to find out if

those Kalashnikovs work or not?

Keep up the good work, comrades.

Here is where I keep my body.

As you can see, we're free thinkers.

One big la-di-da g*ng.

Are you sure you don't

want some amphetamine?

Yeah.

Who are you?

Oh Honey...

I am Bob Singleton.

No, you're not.

That's Bob Singleton.

You see,

all of this was essential

for me to write Quiet Donna.

I just needed to tap

into my feminine feelings.

But now I'm digging into

Greek mythology.

For a long time, I thought I was never

going to write

as well as your ancestor.

Little did I know I would have

his blood - your blood

pumping through my veins

one day.

Do you... Did they give you

my blood?

Is that what this has been about?

Do you realize that you're

the great niece

of the most prominent so-called

mythological writer of all time?

Do you get that?

This generation, you're so funny.

You're really...

Who's body is that?

Oh, this?

Seriously, I'm thinking of going back.

I'm so sick of menstruating.

What body is it?

Where did you get the body from?

Some young volunteer,

she was here it was good.

- What happened to her brain?

- You know, she just really loved dogs.

You're not a journalist, are you?

- No.

- I thought you were a writer.

Why would I be a writer?

So what are you?

I don't know.

Nobody. Nothing.

Okay.

Fair enough. So what do you want,

Sonja Schmidt?

Are you sure? Bob said that?

Okay.

No, four journalists entered the Zone,

four need to exit.

Even if it's in body bags.

Huh?

Okay... roger that.

Yeah... no.

Huh, what?

You're right.

Miss Schmidt is no journalist.

It's three journalists and a relative.

It still adds up to four body bags.

Roger.

Okay, listen.

I'm a businessman.

I got you Sonja here

for whatever sick reason

you wanted her.

I can stop anything from being published

and I can publish anything I want.

Look... I make up stories.

That's how I built my whole empire.

Perception is reality.

If I tell people there is nothing

to see here, they'll believe me.

So let's... Let's shape

the world together?

We're going to have to talk

more in private.

Yeah, sure, sure.

In order to create

exceptional works

one must put oneself

in an exceptional...

frame of mind.

And that's the truth, kiddos!

That's the God damn truth.

Truth!

There you go, there's a word

I've never said before.

Be not like dumb,

driven cattle.

Be a hero in the strife.

Trust no future...

Let the dead past

bury its dead.

The lives of great men all remind us

we can make our life sublime.

... as we forgive those

who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation;

but deliver us from the evil one.

For thine is the kingdom,

the power and the glory,

for ever and ever. Amen.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name;

thy kingdom come;

thy will be done;

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we

forgive those who trespass against us.

Let's get out of here.

Time to say farewell

to this place.

I got us a deal.

Yes. Hugs, hugs.

Where is Sonja?

She...

...will be all right.

No. Where is she?

They're not saying anything.

I know the answer to that.

She is taking a residency here.

She took a residency.

She's staying.

No, this place is creepy.

She can't stay.

Bob invited her to stay,

and promised to take care of her.

Bob Singleton?

You met Bob Singleton?

I did. Finally.... yeah.

He....he's a...

No, look, look...

We are leaving.

In order to do that, we need to

forget everything we saw here.

We need to cancel it out.

That is the only way I am getting

you out of here alive.

- Okay.

- Okay...

I don't understand.

Why would Sonja wanna stay?

Because...

she's an artist.

A true artist.

Yeah.

You're alright?

I've never been better.

Hey.

- Hey.

- How was the trip?

Oh, it was good.

Yeah... We never got

into the Zone.

We need to bury that story

and focus on other things.

I have ideas.

I have many, many ideas.

Great. I can't wait to hear!

We're so happy to have you back.

So I assume - vodka soda?

No. Thank you.

Okay.

Wait.

Where's my office?

- This one here?

- Yeah.

I thought so. Thank you.

Best sister,

just wanted to let you know

that I've survived the Zone.

But you won't see me in a while.

I've gotten a residency at IRAS,

and I will stay a few years.

You were right about the Kalamazoo

Herald. They weren't very serious.

But actually,

they've changed during this trip

and so have I.

At least I've been given an opportunity

I haven't had before.

And as you will see,

I'm gonna do all the covers

and illustrations for

the Kalamazoo Herald from now on.

I'll make sure to email

them to you.

Meanwhile, I'm sending

you loads of love.

For always your Sonja

or Deine kleine Pippi.

Pip pip.