CHUM! (2024)

[bunniefuu]

This is Kyle Hammond.

I am chief scientist at NH.

I am currently working on the reanimation

of the second batches of sharks.

We successfully reanimated the first batch,

so now we're working on the second batch,

and I have my partner.

This is very lovely experiment that we're doing.

It's very, very rewarding, very exciting.

Um, what I have here is the blood from the first batch

of baby great white sharks,

and inside is also the parasite

from the ant.

I will be injecting this into the shark now.

Now, this will not reanimate the shark just yet.

This is just the first dose of blood.

Now,

we will extract the blood

from my partner's head.

This needle goes directly into the brain

and sucks out the fluid from the brain.

And then we inject it into the shark.

And this shark should,

like the first batch, reanimate.

I'm now releasing the blood from the brain,

and now I will be injecting it into the shark.

And that is done.

And now, we watch.

Marcus.

Yeah, the second batch is ready.

What?

What do you mean you've lost the first batch of sharks?

I literally just sh*t myself.

Marcus, how do you lose

a cooler full of sharks?

Marcus, you don't know what you've done.

You've doomed us all.

You've doomed us all.

Oh, Dr. Straous, thank you so much

for having us here today.

Really appreciate it.

I hope you don't get offended by anything that we ask.

You know, let's be honest, these scripts,

they're written for me and handed to me.

And honestly, I really don't care what's happening.

I really don't. I'm just here for my paycheck.

And we are rolling in three, two, one, action.

Good day, VA, thanks for coming our way.

This is Katie Cordial

with your morning news and the cherry on top.

Today's special guest is Dr. Straous.

Dr. Straous, thank you for having us.

Thank you for having me.

Dr. Straous, do you really think that you can bring

the great white shark back from extinction?

Actually, due to black-market fitting

and irresponsible commercial fishing,

the great white shark is now considered

to be 98% extinct, not 100.

And yes, I do.

Oh, so how do you plan to execute that, Dr. Straous?

Well, we have isolated a compound from a particular fungus

that is sometimes found in a species of ant.

In a controlled environment,

we merge that compound with the human DNA.

Once that formula is uniform,

we inject it into a cadaver limb.

Due to the chemical properties of that compound,

the cadaver limb then acts as an incubator

for the new life that we have created.

And after a relatively short gestation period,

the cadaver limb itself becomes the new shark.

Oh, Dr. Straous, that seems just a tad barbaric,

don't you think?

Barbaric?

This is scientific genius.

This is why people donate their bodies to science.

Genius?

It's more like creating monsters.

Monsters? These are not monsters.

This is gonna be a new species that reproduces and thrives.

Oh, so you're playing God?

Miss, what you call playing God means nothing

to a woman of science.

In the line of work that I do, there is no God.

Ugh. okay, we'll be back after these messages.

I tell you now this tale of woe

Not about a lady but one f*cking hoe

Believe you me she was not a witch

When she sucked my c*ck, she was one bad b*tch

I gave my heart to a wh*re

I made love to a wh*re

She was nothing but trash

But I kept coming back for more

Happy birthday.

So what's up with Kat, man?

Man, I don't know.

She's been all back and forth lately.

It's weird, you know.

Like, like get this.

The other night, her ex texted her.

Mm.

You know, one of those, like, "What you doing?"

kind of texts.

Right.

You know about it.

Yeah.

But, like, you know, so I was joking around with her.

I was like, "Yo, you gonna text him back?"

She looked at me like she was gonna cut my damn head off.

So you ain't get any did you?

Nah, but, like, she's been acting real weird,

like, real weird.

Like, she ain't drinking.

That's a good thing, though.

I wish I could stop drinking.

I mean, it's probably a good thing.

And you ain't gonna quit drinking.

Come on. Let's be real.

Let's be real, yeah, yeah.

You're right.

You're right.

But get this.

She been throwing up in the morning,

like, the past few days.

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

Don't f*cking say it.

Don't you say it.

I mean, that's not such a bad thing.

I mean, I think you'd be a good dad.

I mean, you still play with toys.

I'm f*cking 44, dude.

I mean, yeah, kid will come out

with a whole-a*s beard, though.

I'll take that one.

I'll take that one.

Yeah, he gonna come out

with a f*cking full beard.

Cheers.

Yeah, yeah.

sh*t, not to change the subject,

but you know what's really weird?

Hmm?

It's noon.

And?

This place is usually full by now.

Maybe everybody's going sober.

Yeah, maybe, but sh*t, I haven't seen Gary

since he got us the beers.

I really like that Gary guy.

Gary is pretty cool.

He's the best.

He's awesome.

Anyways, man.

You watch too many damn f*cking movies, bro, too many.

sh*t, I know, I know.

We say that now, but when sh*t happens, who you gonna call?

Not you, maybe your brother.

Half.

What?

He's my half brother.

Bro, he's your brother.

You don't know the sh*t he's put me through.

Yeah, but, like, who was there

when you got all screwed up?

He was.

But I mean, we're just two different people, man.

All right, dude, I mean, I'll let it go,

but you know what I'm talking about.

I did see something on the news the other day.

Yeah?

This, like, scientist woman

talking about getting rid of extinction

or bringing animals back from extinction,

some weird sh*t, man.

Like that dinosaur movie?

But no, man, she was, like, real serious.

Like, she said she found a way to stop extinction

with great white sharks with a parasite.

A parasite?

Mm-hmm,

like the ones that get inside of ants.

Oh, yeah, like, they, they devour their brains

and then turn their bodies into zombies.

I read that somewhere.

Well, you know what?

it sounds like bullshit to me.

Maybe.

Oh, sh*t.

Kat?

Yeah, we should go.

Ay, ay

It's a band of thieves

We're dead

We're all gonna die

Mr. Biggles.

What you think about that, Mr. Biggles, huh?

You wanna new daddy?

No.

Karen, Karen.

Karen.

Poor baby.

Jesus Christ, he's late again.

I can't keep doing this.

I've got a very busy, busy schedule.

You know how many other appointments I have?

Have a scientist, a preacher.

Like, I honestly can do better.

Not working, Mr. Biggles deserves better.

No.

No, no, no.

Stop.

Dogs, is that you?

No, no, stop it.

No, no, no.

Oh, no, please, help.

Mr. Biggles?

Josh?

Mr. Biggles?

Hello.

Hello.

Josh, Mr. Biggles, hey, hey.

You know I don't like waiting on answers.

I'm a very impatient person.

If you see anything, if you see anything,

we can go up there.

We can go up right on the way to the landfill right up in-

I didn't hear anything about that.

sh*t, we could-

You ain't heard about that?

definitely go to that.

And then they build

trash on trash.

Trash on trash.

Trash on trash.

Hey, you good, man?

Hey, what's up man?

Yo, get outta here.

I'm gonna tell you one more time.

Get outta here.

Bro, bro.

m*therf*cker.

Dude, what the f*ck, man?

I can't run in these f*cking flip-flops.

Oh, Marcus, Marcus.

Marcus, I had your back the whole time, man.

I was right there.

You totally left me, dude.

I was f*cking right there.

Look what the f*ck

just happened.

What the f*ck?

Jesus.

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck was that?

We gotta get this looked at.

What the f*ck was that?

What the f*ck? What the f*ck?

No, that guy's f*cking crazy, man.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, dude, crazy-a*s bum, man.

Dude, dude, dude, dude.

Holy sh*t, dude, man.

No, bro,

you can't turn the f*cking water on, man.

You gotta let the blood clot.

What are you talking about let the blood clot?

Dude, if you get it wet, it's gonna f*cking bleed out.

It won't let the f*cking blood, trust me, bro.

I know what I'm talking about.

I'm sure that's not how that works.

That's how that f*cking works. Just trust me.

You, ooh, you gotta let me smell it.

You gotta let me smell it.

Ah, all right, go ahead. Make it quick.

And what did that do?

Well, it doesn't do anything.

I just, whenever I see blood, it's a thing I've got, man.

I gotta smell it when I see blood.

Could you please just go get some bandages

or something?

Where the f*ck

am I gonna get f*cking bandages-

Well, look around.

from, bro?

I, I, I'm looking.

I don't f*cking see any.

Kat's here, right?

Oh, f*ck, she is.

Go get her.

Kat, Kat.

Yes.

Kat.

Yeah.

Marcus was bit.

What?

Some f*cking weirdo bit Marcus.

What are you talking about?

Where,

where are the f*cking bandages?

I need bandages.

Uh, we,

we don't have bandages.

We have, uh, duct tape under the sink.

Duct, f*ck.

I'll be out in a minute.

Hello.

Drink from the pool of deceit

My mind and body you will meet

And craven love will rain down on you

Is only for his wretched chosen few

Apostasy

Deny the virgin born

Malevolence

We are forever scorned

Obsession

The prophecy maligns

The Christians

Will wish they were never born

Blasphemy

Hang him up on a cross

We will forgive him not

I'll live my life as I please

While you live down on your knees

Down on your knees

It hurts.

f*cking Christ here.

'Kay, who got bit on what?

Oh, all right, hold on, hold on.

Let me look. Let me look.

Ow.

Mm, uh, really?

What?

I mean,

it's just all this for that.

It f*cking hurts.

Uh, well, um, wait.

He said a, a person bit you?

I think some, like, crackhead or something.

I'm not really sure.

Uh, well, we should get it looked at.

With what, insurance?

Yeah.

I can't find the tape, Kat.

Danny, it is under the sink.

Got it.

Marcus, did you at least kick this guy's a*s?

I beat the sh*t out of him.

Okay, good.

I found tape.

Tape?

Thank you.

Yeah, you're gonna be all right, bro.

We got you.

It's this or the hospital.

Yeah, you're gonna be all right.

f*ck it, fine.

Okay.

Thanks.

I'll put it

back under the sink.

So, um,

I can't make any promises, but I think you're good to dance.

Oh, that was crazy, bro.

I found the tape.

How are we friends?

That's a good question, bro.

Hey, thanks for patching Marcus up.

Yeah, sure.

So, um, what exactly happened out there?

I, I don't know, man.

Some crackhead bit him.

Yeah, but no, that doesn't, that doesn't make sense.

People don't just bite people for no reason.

Were you guys hammered?

Why the f*ck does booze have anything to do with this?

Yeah, we had a beer.

I'm just, I'm just saying, you guys have been going out

and drinking a lot more lately,

and you've been getting a little stupider each time.

So I can only assume that you pissed somebody off,

and then he f*cking bit Marcus.

Well, you stopped drinking for like two weeks,

and now all of a sudden, uh, you goody two shoes here,

and, uh,

I mean, come on.

Look,

I'm, I'm just saying that I'm just getting tired

of all this f*cking bullshit.

All everybody wants to do is just get hammered,

and go party, and, and do nothing with their lives.

Like, I would like to get away from here,

and move somewhere, and you know, raise a kid.

Where is this coming from, Kat?

And what's up with the kid talk, huh?

What, what, this isn't something that we've talked about.

What's up with the f*cking kid talk?

What is going on?

I'm pregnant.

You're what?

You heard me?

Is it mine?

Excuse me.

Is it mine?

How the f*ck are you gonna ask me that?

I'm telling you.

Like, that's all you have to say to me?

Really?

It's my f*cking birthday. You know what?

I would like to just be left alone for a little bit

because, uh, again, uh, this, I think you've forgotten

that it is my birthday.

I need to just chill the f*ck out.

You're pissing me off, and why don't, you know,

why don't you go check on our friend

who got bit by a human and see if he's turning

into a zombie or something.

I'm pissing you off?

I'm pissing you off, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

That's how this is?

Yeah.

I'm gonna need you to leave.

You gonna talk, you gonna tell me

you're pregnant and then tell me

to get the f*ck out?

Yeah.

Is that, fine. You know what?

I will go see what f*cking-

Awesome.

Marcus is doing.

Awesome, thank you.

Hey, Danny, look, I know I said I wanted to be alone,

but wait, what?

Hey.

Happy birthday.

Aw.

Wait, where's my present?

That's it.

Where are you going?

Where are you, hey, what are you doing?

I'm making a sandwich.

This is what I'm talking about.

It's my birthday, and all you did was get me balloons.

Balloons, what, you don't like 'em?

No, well, I do like them, and I appreciate it,

but I, I've mentioned multiple times

about how I'd like a piece of jewelry or-

Mm-hmm.

what about

that Motley Crue tank top that I wanted?

Motley Crue tank top, really?

Yes.

That's what you want?

You said it looked hot.

Where the hell is

the bread at, Kat?

I don't f*cking know.

It is hot, by the way.

Thank you, um, the-

What do you mean

you don't know?

I don't know where the bread is, okay?

Listen, what, I meant to come back out.

Can we talk about the baby situation?

Well, I'm trying to make a sandwich.

I'm trying to talk about the baby situation.

Okay, well, talk about it then.

Okay, well, I told you I was pregnant,

and you know, I, I know I asked you to leave,

but that's not really what I meant when I said it,

so can we just-

Well, I left.

Can we just talk about-

I-

Can we-

I'm, I'm trying to find,

it's on top of the fridge, girl.

Okay.

Listen, you realize that I wanna keep the baby, right?

Yeah, I realize that.

You realize that I'm 44, and I don't need any kids, right?

Well, I told you that I wanted to get out of town,

and I wanted to move away from here,

and I wanted to raise a kid.

Yo, what the f*ck, girl?

I'm trying to make a sandwich.

I tried to clean up.

Why you putting

my f*cking m*therf*cker back in the g*dd*mn fridge?

All right, back to the matter at hand.

Okay.

You know I wanna keep

the baby, right?

Girl, I'm 44 years old.

I can't be keeping no baby.

Well, I'm keeping the baby.

And I think, like I said in the room, that I want to be able

to move and get away from here.

I just need you to take things a little more seriously,

stop hanging out Marcus and Gary all the f*cking time.

Look, where is the bread?

I don't know where the bread is, Marcus.

I got bread the other day.

Oh, my God-

You said you were gonna-

stop cleaning my-

Look, I got your diet soda 'cause you said

you were gonna go on a diet, so.

Oh, girl.

All right, listen.

Remember the time we went to the Outer Banks?

It was so romantic. We went that one time.

Why don't we move to the Outer Banks?

I wanna be near the ocean.

I like Ocean City better.

I told you this 1,000 times.

They got the boardwalk.

Okay, well, I don't care,

but-

It's Maryland.

Yeah.

Or maybe you can get

a, a nice job at Walmart.

You want me to get a job at Walmart?

I told you I've been selling my action figures on eBay.

I'm an entrepreneur.

You can do better.

I can't be checking

people's receipts at Walmart, yo.

Like, that's not how this works with me.

Then back-

The f*ck is

my sandwich stuff?

Goddammit, Kat.

I'm cleaning.

All right, all right.

I'm just trying to make

a sandwich, girl.

Now that everything's clean,

are you going to move to the ocean with me?

That's all I need to know.

You coming or not?

We gotta take care of Marcus first.

So that's a no, awesome.

Oh, my God.

Sheriff Conlin.

Shark just k*lled my neighbor.

All right, y'all, that's enough with this shark stuff.

We're, we got it.

It's funny, ha, ha.

Check it out.

We're done.

God, this is getting ridiculous.

I don't make enough for this sh*t.

You gotta be f*cking kidding me.

Sheriff Conlin.

Send the army and the national guard.

A shark is k*lling again.

All right, y'all.

That's enough of this sh*t.

Please.

I'm getting f*cking tired of it.

We're done.

No more of these crank calls.

I need a f*cking raise.

Son of a b*tch.

Sheriff Conlin.

That's enough.

We're 240 f*cking miles inland.

There's no g*dd*mn sharks here.

Stop it.

g*dd*mn.

f*cking drink.

Gonna need you.

I'm sure as sh*t gonna need you

with the way, the way it's going, the night's going.

Whoo.

A long night.

What the f*ck?

f*ck that .

f*ck is going on?

Goddammit.

Come on.

We are sorry to interrupt your broadcast,

but we have some breaking news.

This news may be shocking,

and you may not believe what I'm saying.

But please, this is no joke.

There have been reports of baby sharks causing havoc

in the city and surrounding areas.

The death toll continues to climb as a flood

of videos are starting to come in.

We are now going to show you some of those videos.

If you have sensitive viewers,

you may want to ask them to leave the room.

Please, again, this is no joke,

and these videos may be disturbing.

Oh, my God, holy sh*t, this this can't be real.

They want to k*ll me.

They want to k*ll me, oh, no, no.

I'm so scared right now.

I'm hiding in a closet.

I can hear them trying to get in.

There are sharks everywhere,

and they're k*lling everyone,

and they're eating all my g*dd*mn food, man.

All I wanted to do was have a nice dinner with my wife.

I caught this baby shark at the lake.

Knew something was wrong.

Why would a shark be in a lake?

Oh, God.

They k*lled my wife.

Oh, my God, they're eating her.

They're eating her, oh, my God.

They, they look like they're enjoying it.

Oh, God, help, please.

f*cking sharks.

Dammit.

What the frick, man?

I'm gonna need a bigger closet.

I'll tell you exactly why this is happening.

It's the damn Russians.

They've been looking for a way to destroy us for years.

Yo, Marcus, get your damn feet off the couch.

Was you born in a barn?

Hey, Kat.

Yes?

Is it still your birthday?

Yes.

I got you something.

Is this the kitten that you saw

the other day at the pet store?

Well, why don't you open it up

and find out for yourself, girl?

Oh, my God, I can't believe

that you would remember something like that.

See, I told you it was that b*tch from the TV.

What are you talking about?

It's a long story.

I'll be right back.

We need to get the f*ck outta here.

What?

Guys, back to the problem at hand.

There's a f*cking shark in the house.

Oh, yeah.

What the f*ck was that?

I, I got a thing, bro.

He does have a thing.

Who say what?

I'm gonna be sick.

What the f*ck?

Dude, some really f*cking weird sh*t's going on right now.

What the f*ck do we do?

We f*cking bag it up, bro.

And do what with it?

We f*cking, f*cking take it to the hospital.

They're gonna think

we're smoking f*cking crack, dude.

Watch.

Dude, we have proof.

Guys.

Oh, sh*t.

Did guys, okay,

I think my hand is healing, like, right?

Isn't it? It's healing?

Right, isn't it?

Ew, oh.

Yep, you're f*cking immune. I knew it.

Immune from what, Marcus?

The f*cking nasty virus I showed you on TV.

Well, then we need to get the f*ck outta here.

I'm not going anywhere with you guys.

Great, so I'm stuck here with you two f*cking douchebags.

Wait a minute.

Dude, I know.

She might have a point, though.

Like, now that I think about it, my,

it's not getting any better.

No, bro, that don't look good.

Yeah.

What the f*ck was that?

What the hell was that?

Yo, I'm gonna go check that out.

And this is how white people die.

Think it came from in here, bro.

Hold on.

Coast is clear.

Yo, bro, I wish Gary was here.

He'd know what to do.

Dude, I don't feel so well.

Dude, you gotta stay with me, man.

You're gonna be all right.

You're gonna be all right.

Come on, bro. You gotta call your brother.

Half.

Oh, please don't be another one of them sharks.

I don't know what else to do.

Mm, bro, you gotta call your brother, yo.

Oh, oh, the f*ck?

Oh.

God, I can't believe I'm stuck here

with these f*cking idiots.

Apparently, I have some kind of kitten-eating shark virus,

and Danny just wants to f*cking sniff everybody's blood.

I swear to God I'm gonna just break up with him.

Oh, bro.

Danny, I'm coming.

Bro.

Danny, no, Danny, Danny, oh, God.

Marcus, we need help.

No, Marcus, where are you?

Danny's already dead.

f*ck, where is it?

Shark Week's over.

Huh?

There's something fishy going on around here.

What the f*ck?

Ah, no, no, it's my f*cking birthday.

m*therf*cker.

f*ck you.

You're a f*cking douchebag.

f*ck.

f*ck you.

f*ck you and your curse, uh, fish f*ck.

f*cking ate my f*cking kitten.

You know what? f*ck this.

Where are you, you scaly son of a b*tch, huh?

Go on. I am fixing to f*ck you up.

It's my birthday.

Not just one but a million other times

To brand you to thieves

There's one sick f*ck.

f*ck, f*ck you.

I'm gonna turn him into chum bait.

f*ck you.

Yeah, f*ck you.

Now, let's get the f*ck outta here.

Where you going, bro?

Danny?

Who else would it be?

You ain't going to cheat on me, is you?

No, baby, you know I wouldn't do that.

I can hear your heart racing, girl.

You ain't afraid of little old me, are you?

No, no, I've just, I've just had a really rough birthday.

Oh, that's right. It is your birthday.

Did I give you your present yet?

Yeah, you did, and, um, it was beautiful.

Thank you, I love it.

You know, I searched, and I searched

to get you something pretty,

but in the end I just decided

to get you another f*cking cat.

You always did like your cats more than you like me.

No, I didn't, baby.

Don't you lie to me, b*tch.

I'm not.

Yes, you is.

You always be lying.

What about your ex?

Oh, Gary?

How dare you say such hurtful words to me?

You almost gave me a case of the vapors.

I know Gary wouldn't do that to me.

You always be lying, just like I know that baby ain't mine.

Danny, listen, this baby is yours,

and I haven't been with anyone else but you.

Well, I'm gonna make sure of that.

Marcus, where you at?

Hey, half brother, where you at?

Where the f*ck is everyone?

Where the f*ck is my half brother, you son of a b*tch,

you scaly son of a b*tch?

Shouldn't have to eat f*cking people.

Where the f*ck is everybody?

Hope you like lead, m*therf*cker.

You always used to run when we fought.

You ain't running now, is you?

You know what?

What?

You were right. The baby's not yours.

And I think it's time that we break up.

Smile, you douchey b*tch.

Hey.

Hey, Darl.

Thanks for saving me.

My pleasure.

Sorry about your brother.

Half.

Oh, my God.

Hey, do you like Ocean City?

I'm a little tired of sharks.

How's about Nebraska?

Yeah, okay.

Days turned into weeks.

I was hopeful, even optimistic.

But as we went from city to city,

my hopefulness turned to despair.

I've never seen the world so silent.

The closer we got inland, the more violence we saw.

People turned into animals.

We did what we could to make it.

But

for the first time in my life,

I feel free.

Question yourself, never question the law

You're on the wrong side, so you always are wrong

The slight hand, the step in, the strength of the tongue

You speak out, you'll find out, they'll bury your god

There is no right side to this ruinous scheme

Acknowledge the facts, obey the machine

The lightening runs straight, and it's all on the line

The fish getting hungry, it's now feeding time

There's eyes in the sky

They watch through your phone

Listening in, invading your home

Privacy's lost, your life on display

Cracking your head to live in dismay

Satellite sharing your every last move

Data encrypted

The subject is you

Dying for reason, we incriminate ourselves

Seminally septic relation in hell

Stick to the short angles, speak out of turn

Bow to the leader, no need for concern

There is no right side to this ruinous scheme

Acknowledge the facts, obey the machine

Your livelihood's end, it's all on the line

The fish getting hungry

It's now feeding time

Baseless fabricated ideology

Created with no ties to reality

Fill the mind with deceptive imagery

Designed to slip into the psyche

This world is so rotten

A place where things aren't so black and white

Stare into the screen for meaning

Crafted to keep you on the hook

Crafted to keep you distracted

Right before your eyes you can see their plans unfolding

Give up your soul to this lifeless machine

This is the evolution, this is the purpose

As they k*ll us slowly

Be not deceived, for this time will pass

Alpha and Omega will justify the crash

We were made without a timer

We are infinite

The beast drools with lust

Over each and every unclaimed soul

Perpetuating lies of godlessness across a fallen world

They want to make you their own

Cooperate with the corporate brain

Or be labeled undesirable

Hiding behind the smile are entities paranoid

The beauty is a lie, the beauty is a trap

Pandering to the masses

Manipulating the world into lunacy

Into its demise

Seeping into the walls of your homes

Identifying with what you believe

Clouding millions of brains

Gawk at the victims

As everything we cherish is being stripped away

Breaking the family

Breaking the culture

Just when you thought

Just when you thought they were your god

The blade of deception

Well, if you ask me, the number

of shark people in this town has gotten too damn high.

13 or 14 of my cats are missing.

They don't tip in here.

They're scaring all my customers away.

What's going on with this town?

And all they wanna do is eat ketchup packets.

You know, even my pet rat is scared to go out

of his cage now 'cause he's afraid of getting eaten

by a f*cking shark person.

I can't walk down the street without slipping in shark sh*t.

Driving down the property values of this block.

It used to be a nice neighborhood.

And now these sharp-toothed m*therf*ckers are walking

around here scaring all my customers away.

How am I supposed to buy my Airstream and move to Texas?