02x05 - Mommy Nearest

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC - SAILOR MOON, "BRACEFACE THEME SONG"]

SAILOR MOON: (SINGING) Something tells me I've been dreaming

of someone who was never real.

It seems I've changed 1,000 ways.

I wish I looked the way I feel.

Braceface.

My life gets complicated.

Boyfriends.

Don't want to talk about it.

Teenage.

I'll work it out in the end.

Braceface.

My life gets Complicated.

Boyfriends.

Don't want to talk about it.

Teenage.

I'll work it out in the end.

Braceface.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): Friday night and here

I am a date with Tony Sparelli.

More like Friday night-- a date with Pigger.

No offense Pigger, but I hope Tony

has better breath than you do.

[phone rings]

House of homework.

Maria?

It's been a whole entire month since Alden and I broke up.

I need to move on.

Well, Brock's always available.

Ha, ha, ha.

Very funny.

I was thinking more like Tony Sparelli.

Cute, muscly, and he's your brother's friend.

He's 17.

What, are you nuts?

I can tell he's really into me.

He's been giving me signs.

Like?

Like last week he was so nice to me.

Remember?

He pulled that spaghetti out of my hair.

Sharon, oh, my.

Because he just happened to walk by after that freak, Drew,

threw it across the caff hoping to hit mwa.

Hey, bro, you better make sure your kid

sister washes her hair tonight.

It reeks of garlic.

I think that was his way of flirting.

Wow, what a romantic.

I think an older guy would be good for me--

broaden my horizons.

Let's go over to Life Cycles and see if he's there.

Oh, I'd love to, but can't.

English assignment.

How can you do homework on a Friday night?

Easy-- if I don't, my allowance

suddenly doesn't show up.

And don't try Conner.

He's working on the same thing.

Well, I for one am not spending my Friday night

writing about the greatest literary influence

of my childhood.

Can we say "boring" any other way?

Talk to you later.

Don't talk to me later.

I'll never get this thing done.

[sighs]

Mom.

Oh, stop it.

Oh, nice form.

Well, how's this for form?

[sharon clears throat]

Sharon!

I didn't see you there.

Did you need me?

Just wondered if you wanted to watch a video or something?

Oh, honey, that would be nice, but David and I

have our ballroom dancing lesson tonight.

And we need all the practice we can get.

Hey!

Speak for yourself.

Fine, no biggie.

Hey, why don't you get a head start

on that English assignment?

Weren't you going to write a speech about Little Red

Riding Hood?

I guess.

Since I have nothing else to do.

Can I use your computer though?

My modem is so slow.

Oh, sure.

Just turn out my office light when you're through.

It was gross.

They were practically making out.

Your mom definitely has more of a love life than you do.

Go ahead, rub it in.

I just wish they would keep it to themselves.

You know, you're stopping me from getting anything done.

Does "cliffs" have an E?

MARIA: Sharon, you are so lame.

Cliff's Notes for a fairy tale?

Come on, the story of Little Red Riding Hood

is about five pages long and in big print.

OK, so you're right.

No Cliff's Notes for fairy tales.

But I did get 765 other listings.

Why don't you just read the book?

[gasps]

Huh?

I think I just found a different Red Riding

Hood from the one I remember.

What?

She's wearing pigtails instead of braids?

Not exactly.

This Red Riding Hood has matured in a lot of places.

What are you talking about?

Put it this way, she's not that little anymore.

Maria, I think I'm OK now.

I got to go.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): I couldn't believe it.

I had heard this kind of stuff was on the net.

But seeing it up close, this was the beginning

of a whole new education.

So under the cape, she was totally, totally, totally.

I had to shut it down.

I'm such a baby.

I was like blushing my face off.

I can't believe all the stuff we don't know yet.

What you don't know, you don't know.

And I'd like to keep it that way for a while.

Do you think that's what older guys are into?

Of course.

Tony is never going to notice me if I don't grow up--

fast.

Sharon, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

I know what you were doing Friday night.

So do I. My homework.

Your homework was bookmarked in the history

file on my computer.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Look, honey, it's natural to be curious about all

this stuff, but you can always talk to me

if you have any questions.

Really, I'm here for you.

Mom, I'm not some pervert.

I was doing research.

It's not like I went looking for that stuff.

But you did some investigating judging from the time clock.

Can't I have any privacy?

Of course you can.

But just so you know, I've put a blocking device

on all the computers.

I was just going to watch some TV,

or have you blocked that too?

TONY: Hey, you want to go to that movie Saturday night?

The one Starring Bella Bethune.

Oh, man, that chick is hot.

Think we can get in?

Hey, didn't that flick almost get an X rating?

Hey, guys.

What a coincidence.

Maria and I are going to that movie on Saturday night too.

Oh, right, Sharon.

What would you know about it?

That movie's not for kiddies.

Believe me.

Garlic head's funny.

Has anyone seen the remote?

Oh, hey, wait a minute.

I can't go on Saturday.

I have a date with Hannah.

So bring her along.

Forget it.

So, Tony, I guess it'll just be you, me, and Maria.

Sharon, there is no way you could get in.

The flick's R-rated.

[gasps]

So?

I think I hear mom calling me.

Hey, Sharon, I have an idea.

Maybe we could just spend some quality

mom-and-daughter time together.

There's a great art exhibit opening Saturday night.

Why don't we check it out?

I think Maria and I might be going to the movies that night.

The exhibit is only on for a week.

It just sounds kind of boring standing

around looking at a bunch of pictures.

Why don't you ask David?

I'd really love to spend some time with you sweetheart.

We haven't really talked in a while.

I already told you, I might be busy that night.

So I was thinking we could catch a movie Saturday.

Here's the thing, the movie's kind of R-rated.

And in your expert opinion, you think we could pass for 17?

No problem.

With a little makeup, of course.

Well, it could be fun.

Exactly, and don't be surprised if we bump into Tony.

I told him we'd be there.

What a coincidence.

All we have to do is tell my mom we're

seeing "The Parent Gap Two."

It's playing in the next theater.

Are you sure this will work?

Why wouldn't it?

You look awesome.

No way they're going to ask for your ID.

I look like a drag queen.

HELEN SPITZ: Sharon, can I come in?

SHARON: Yeah, sure, just a sec.

We got to go, Mom.

We don't want to be late for the movie.

Oh, what movie are you seeing?

"The Parent Gap Two."

Oh, I'd love to see that.

I don't think it's supposed to be any good.

Really?

Huh.

I loved the first one.

Would you girls mind if I tagged along?

Why couldn't she have ballroom dancing tonight

instead of ruining my life.

Well, hey, what are the chances Tony will even show up?

TONY: I told you guys it would be a breeze to get in.

Bella baby, here we come.

Tell me this isn't happening.

Your mom's, trying to find us.

Oh, instead, she's found Tony.

No.

We have to get out of here fast.

HELEN SPITZ: Sharon.

Look who's here.

Hi, Sharon.

Hi, Tony.

So what are you guys here to see?

Uh, "Parent Gap Two," right guys?

Great.

Why don't we all sit together?

You didn't say a word all the way home.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no.

Nothing's wrong if you call being embarrassed in front

of the whole world nothing.

It's bad enough that I still have to go to kiddie movies.

But did you really have to mess up Tony's night too?

Ah, I think you're really overreacting here.

It's hard to believe you're growing up so fast.

Do you want a cup herbal tea?

Please, that's such baloney.

You just want to spy on me and make sure I'm not growing up.

You might not like what I have to say.

But, honey, boys like Tony aren't usually

interested in younger girls.

And if they are, they shouldn't be.

You have no what you're talking about.

And anyway, this is my life--

my private business.

But I'm your mother.

I care about you, and I want to know what you're doing.

There's nothing wrong with that.

So how come you and David can do whatever you want?

Because we're grown ups and it's appropriate.

And it's appropriate.

I hate that word!

You so don't get me.

Sharon, I do get you.

Well, you're not acting like it.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): Was every mother this clued out?

I highly doubted it.

How was I ever going to face Tony again with mommy nearest

on the warpath?

Yikes, sounds like things got pretty intense with your mom

after the movie.

Slightly.

How am I ever going to have a shot at Tony now?

I don't know.

Oh, no.

Just what I need.

Hurry before he sees us.

Stop it.

Just go and say hi.

And say what?

Hi Tony, remember me?

Baby loser-- baby sister of big brother Adam.

Oh, phew.

There, problem solved.

Now, you just have to worry about how to avoid

him for the rest of your life.

Open invite to a blowout.

26 Westbrook drive, Saturday night.

Hey, isn't that Tony's address?

How do you know that?

Wait, don't explain.

You've probably walked by there 100 times.

Rode by on my bike.

And he never saw me so relax.

We are so going to this.

When he sees us there, Tony will know for sure that I am

more than Adam's little sister.

That isn't exactly an avoidance plan.

So?

I'm changing strategy.

Yeah, but won't Adam be there?

Plus, I hear those flier parties can get pretty wild.

Adam is just going to have to get used

to me being around his friends.

I mean, I am in high school too.

OK, so how do we get past your mom?

I'll tell her I'm sleeping at your place.

We'll sneak out from there.

Are you kidding?

We'll get caught for sure, and I'll

be grounded till graduation.

Small price.

Forget it.

I wish I'd seen Tony's face watching that parent

movie with you and Mom.

It wasn't that funny.

It's priceless.

So listen, talking about Tony.

You going to his party?

How do you know about Tony's party?

I was invited.

Yeah right.

Sharon, don't even think about going to this party.

I'm not even going.

It is not a cool scene, OK?

Adam, I can go if I want to.

And if you say one word to mom, I

might have to let her know about you

skipping class the other day to have a little smooch

fest with Hannah.

That was you in her at Life Cycles, wasn't it?

How do you know about that?

We do go to the same school.

People talk.

Fine.

But I wouldn't count on getting to that party, Sharon.

Didn't mom finally rope you into going to the gallery

that night?

I'll find a way to get out of it.

This, I want to see.

SHARON: So, Josh, you're sleeping over Dad's

on Saturday night, right?

Adam, what are you up to?

Date with Hannah.

And don't forget you and Sharon have an exciting night

of culture lined up.

That's right, Sharon.

I hope you haven't forgotten about our date.

Oh, no.

But I don't know Mom.

I think you and David should go.

You're really wasting your money on me with that art stuff.

Gee, I have tickets for a charity

costume ball that night.

Oh, David, I don't see how I can.

This has been all arranged.

Mom, that's OK.

We can start my art education any time.

And if it's for a good cause--

Well, I do love a costume party.

I'll have Maria over and we'll do a spa night.

Right.

So what do you say?

Well, OK then.

Guess who we are.

Kids from the sound of music?

HELEN SPITZ: Hansel and Gretel.

Cute.

Now, I'll keep my cell phone on.

Don't answer the door to anyone.

And--

We know Mom.

OK, we better go.

We won't be later than midnight.

Now, Sharon, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I mean it.

Well, I guess that means you can't

give me that pedicure Maria.

Bye everyone, have fun.

Go, go, go.

Let's get this gunk off our faces.

We have to get back before they do.

This is wild.

I love this song.

Let's look for Tony.

Hey, did you see the game?

The game is really good.

Let's dance.

This is way cooler than I though.

You want a piece of me? Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Then he felt. The bottle broke.

There he is!

Come on, Maria.

Oh, hey, I'm dancing.

Go ahead.

I'll still be here when you get back.

Hey.

Sorry about that.

Hey, how about a dance?

Or maybe you just want to head out to my car?

You're driving?

Give me your keys.

You know, you have had way too much to drink.

You can have these back when you find a sober driver.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, it's nice to have a good Samaritan around.

Oh, and if you need to do any citizen's arrests, let me know.

I'll back you.

No more garlic, good move.

Hi guys.

Hey Spitz, where's your mom?

TONY: OK, guys, settle down.

Where's our manners?

Maybe Sharon wants a drink?

How about a soda?

How about something a little stronger?

No thanks.

I think my friend, Maria, might need me.

We got to go.

Why?

The music is awesome.

Maria, this isn't like I thought it would be.

Take it back, man.

I said, take it back.

Me neither, It's way more fun.

That fight's going to get out of control.

Come on, I really want to go.

So go.

I'll be fine.

I'll grab a ride with someone.

Maria, I can't go without you.

And I will leave you here for the cops to arrest.

Come on.

I can't believe you could make a mistake like that.

It's either a costume ball, or it isn't.

But I could have sworn that's what the ticket said.

Ah, I've never been so embarrassed.

Hey, can you believe that party?

It's halfway into the street.

Can you send a cab to 24 Westbrook drive

as fast as you can, please?

Is that Sharon?

What is with you?

This is an awesome party!

SHARON: Uh, correction-- was an awesome party.

Are you all right?

Have you been drinking?

I'm fine, Mom.

Could you let go of me?

What do you think you're doing?

Mom!

Hey you, I found my designated driver, so you

can give me my keys back now.

Are you sober?

Mmhmm.

Hey, why do we all just go home?

That's my cab.

I just wanted to get home safely.

Sharon, don't be ridiculous.

You're coming with us.

It's OK, Maria, we'll give you a lift home.

Um, I think I better go with her.

Hey, they meant well.

Yeah, but so did I.

Do you want me to come in?

No.

I think I better do this myself.

Nice up here at night.

I know it was really stupid to go to that party.

You don't have to tell me, OK?

Maybe I should give you some room to make your own mistakes,

huh?

Ah-huh.

I'm just tired of everyone treating me like a baby.

Well, you weren't acting like a baby

when you took the keys from that drunk kid

or when you decided to get out of there and called a cab.

That was pretty good judgment.

So maybe you should come up with your own punishment

for the lying part.

OK, how about four weekends of art gallery visits with you?

Nah, nice try.

I'll leave you to think about it honey.

Mom?

HELEN SPITZ: Ah-huh?

Do you think you and David could maybe

try not to be so kissy in front of me if that's even possible?

Very possible.

Night Sharon.

Night, Mom.

SHARON (VOICEOVER): So maybe my mom isn't

as clued out as I thought.

You never know, there could be hope for both of us.

[MUSIC - SAILOR MOON, "BRACEFACE THEME SONG"]