02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

[♪ "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" playing]

[bird caws]

♪ In the jungle, the mighty jungle ♪

♪ The lion sleeps tonight ♪

♪ In the jungle, the quiet jungle ♪

Whoever it is we're waiting for,
it better be bloody worth it.

♪ The lion sleeps tonight ♪

There's a ton of paparazzi
in the car park.

[Daysee] Mr Fairburn!

Mr Fairburn!

Sorry, Daysee,
but m-my mother had a bit of a turn,

so it was quite a long night.

I-I think Titania's arriving.

♪ Near the village
The peaceful village… ♪

I think perhaps
Lord B's gone too far this time.

[people chattering]

Who are you playing?

Hermia.

I thought you'd be playing the pretty one.

[chuckles]

[paparazzi clamouring]

[all chattering]

[Ginger] Nice touch
with the photographers.

Isn't it just?

[camera shutters clicking]

[glasses clack on floor]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Another nail in the Venturer coffin.

[both chuckle]

Jesus f*cking Christ.

Your mother's changed sides.

[song ends]

[♪ Opera music playing]

[peacock squawking]

Hello, my rose!

- [gasps] Whoo! What you doing?
- [exclaims]

- Maud was exceptional.
- [chuckles]

Well, I told you she would be.

An entirely authentic performer.

It's as if she's lived it all before.
[chuckles]

- Thank you for telling me to hire her.
- Mmm.

- [kisses]
- Oh!

I'd be lost without you, darling.

[♪ Intriguing music playing]

[exhales]

[door opens]

[fly unzips]

What are you doing?

Getting into bed.

[chuckling] Sorry, Declan.
I'm back for work, not for you.

You're telling me
I'm not welcome in my own bed?

Mmm.

Anything else you want to take
while you're at it?

[Maud] I'm not taking anything
that wasn't already mine.

- It's my house too, remember.
- [Declan] Mmm.

[smacks lips] I decorated it.

Yeah, I know.

I'm still paying the bills.

[door opens]

Close the door!

[door closes]

- Morning, Susie.
- Morning, Mrs Vereker.

- [Lizzie] Hi.
- Morning, Mrs Vereker.

Here you go. [Chuckles]

Can you please not broadcast
the fact that I've forgotten my script.

Okay, well, I-I have to get back.

- I-I'm waiting for the call from Carole.
- Mm-hmm.

The call about the publishers?

The bidding w*r on my book?

- Where's the pen?
- What pen?

- My Parker. So I can make notes.
- Well, I...

This is a rehearsal, Lizzie. I have to
make notes about my character arc.

You say you're a writer.

Can you please write things down
if you can't remember them?

I don't know why Tony even asked you
to do Midsummer Night's Dream.

You're not an actor.

Tony asked me to do this
because I am the face of Corinium.

I mean, Lizzie, for once

could you please at least try
and be supportive of my career?

[♪ Mischievous music playing]

You've got to feel sorry for her,
being married to that.

[sniffs]

Methinks, mistress,
you should have little reason for that.

And yet, to say the truth

[gasps]
Uh… We're rehearsing.

Sorry, I f-forgot my notes.

- Methinks, mistress…
- [gasps]

…you should have little reason for that.

- And yet, to say the truth...
- Charles, darling?

Costume is saying n*pples or no n*pples?

n*pples!

- Thank you.
- [Charles] Mm-hmm.

[Hugo] Charles says n*pples!

It's like f*cking Piccadilly Circus
in here.

I know. I'm sorry. Please, continue.

Well, I've lost it now.
I'll try and find him.

[inhales]

I'm the most beautiful creature
you ever saw.

Mmm. There he is.

Methinks, mistress,
you should have little reason for that.

And yet, to say the truth,
reason and love keep little

[door opens]
[huffs]

Uh, sorry, Charles,
but Andrew needs the mattress.

- For f*ck's sake!
- [sighs]

Please!

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Sorry! Um…

Sorry. Sorry, Charles. Sorry.

- [James] Actually, uh, Charles…
- Sorry.

…what do you think about
going a bit further with this scene,

sexually speaking?

Yes.

Oh, no, I-I think less is more.
Don't you, Charles?

I think we imply. Not do.

[inhales] Okay, well, I'll leave this
in your capable hands, Charles.

But, um, just say the word
and I will happily oblige.

Deirdre.

[thudding]

Excellent work, everyone.

[door closes]

Charles, you'll make sure
I don't look foolish up there, won't you?

Darling, you've never looked foolish
a day in your life.

I'm serious, Charles.

I'm not as…
I'm not as young as I once was.

My darling, your beauty is
like a Shakespearean sonnet,

perfectly composed and eternal.

[chuckles]

But the big problem is, does anyone
really give a f*ck about poetry?

It's not just about poetry, is it?
It's about power and fate.

Patriotism and-and love.

And sex.

But we wouldn't actually
get to see any sex?

No, but it'll be described
by the sexiest man in England.

[inhales] You know, Maud Gonne and Yeats
had an unbridled passion

unlike anything we've ever seen
before on television.

Described in all its lurid details.

Mmm, every kiss, every f*ck,

every tortured moment of unrequited love.

[Clara] Great.

Well, as long as you keep the Tash,
and you don't skimp on the sex,

you've got yourselves
a Channel 4 commission.

- [both chuckle]
- [Clara] How soon can you deliver?

- I mean...
- Hello, Clara.

What are these reprobates
trying to sell you?

Not trying to fob you off
with the Beeb's sloppy seconds, are they?

Oh, I doubt the Beeb could have handled
what these two are selling.

Uh, if you need a reference for Cameron,
be sure to let me know.

I'm terribly sorry, Tony,
but we're all booked up.

Oh, no, we aren't staying.
No, I'm just picking up Clara.

We're going to The White Elephant.

Have you booked your seats
to see your lovely wife in the show yet?

Not yet.

Oh, I'd hurry up if I were you.
They're going like hot cakes.

- Mm-hmm.
- She's a great talent.

I'm surprised you didn't notice her when
she was under your nose this whole time.

Or was she generally on top?

Declan.

Nice to see you, Clara.

We'll send over a budget next week.

How is the boyfriend?

Is it fun being shacked up
with a man who has f*cked everyone?

As they say, practice makes perfect.

Great doing business with you, Clara.
[chuckles]

You were a silly boy letting
those two slip through your fingers.

Oh, I didn't let them go.
I pushed them out.

Shall we?

That was a deliberate ploy to sabotage us.

Didn't work though, did it?
We got the f*cking commission! [Chuckles]

- We did, didn't we?
- [chuckling]

Turns out we're a pretty good team.

- Oh, the f*cking A team.
- Mm-hmm.

So, Tony's Shakespeare.
We should go. We need to go.

What? No! No, no, no way!

- [stammers] Are you mad?
- No.

We show Tony that we don't
give a sh*t about his petty tactics.

We're bigger than that.

Gertrude? Gertrude!

Gertrude! Gertrude!

[metal clanking]

[strains]

Gertrude, come.

[clears throat]

[Taggie] Uh…

[stammers] Good crop this year?

Yeah, tons of it. Just need to
get it all in before it rains.

Oh, yeah.

[stammers] Uh, Mummy's back.

Tony's hired her
for A Midsummer Night's Dream so…

[Rupert] Oh, Christ. After all of my mess?

I can't imagine Declan's
very happy about that.

No, no, he's-he's not.

He's horribly worried
about Venturer already.

Yeah, well, I should probably, uh…
probably crack on.

[metal clanking]

- Gertrude!
- [Rupert] Go on.

Gertrude, come.

- Go on!
- [Taggie] Come!

- [Gertrude barking]
- [Taggie] Oh, Gertrude, just…

[♪ Heartbreaking music playing]

I know. We're not doing that anymore.

[engine rumbling]

[Tony] I can't believe
how well everything is going.

The Shakespeare is going to be such a hit!

I feel like we should celebrate.

Well done, you.

[Monica sighs]

- [birds twittering]
- [sheep bleats]

[telephone dings]

[Caitlin panting]

Oh, my God! That was Archie.

He says he's gonna pull a sickie

and wants me to come over while
his parents are at the play. [Chuckles]

[stammers] Well, it's Mummy's big day.

[sighs] I know.

But I really like him, Taggie.

Do you think she'd mind?

Mmm… I'll cheer loudly enough
for the both of us.

- [squeals, chuckles]
- No! Oh! [Chuckles]

[hooves clopping]

[Gerald clears throat]

Oh, Gerald.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Um, it's a funny thing really.

I was, um…

I-I-I bumped into the Chief Whip

who suggested that perhaps I should run
for your seat in the by-election.

Congratulations.

That's… That's wonderful.

Oh, are you off?

Yeah, I'm gonna head to The Priory first.

I think you should come.
I think it'd be good.

Show Tony how little effect
he's had on you.

I would rather be eaten alive by red ants
than go to a Shakespeare put on by Tony.

We'd be together.

Sorry, no can do, I'm afraid.

I hope it's a categorical disaster. Enjoy!

[♪ "Live It Up" playing]

♪ How can you see
Looking through those tears? ♪

[Lizzie] She leant against a gate,
her thighs pricked red from the nettles.

Angus stepped towards her,
his hand full of dock leaves.

{\an8}He dragged them slowly up her leg
and under her skirt,

{\an8}the wet sap of the leaf
joining Cecily's ecstasy.

Right, Fred-Fred, we're off.

I wanna get there nice and early,
so we can get a good seat.

Good idea, Mousie. You have a lovely time.

I don't understand why I have to go
if Daddy doesn't have to?

Because Daddy doesn't want to give
Tony Baddingham the satisfaction.

Daddy is old enough
to make his own bad decisions.

Right, come on. Out!

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, Son.

[Valerie] I don't want anyone thinking
that we're not cultured.

And remember, Fred-Fred,
do not take off your trunks.

I'm not having whatever swims in and out
the end of your thingy

floating up to the top.

I'm too old for another baby.

I don't think it works that way, my love.

I don't care! Just don't do it.

Right, out! Come on!

♪ But if you laughed
You'd level this town ♪

♪ Hey, lonely girl
That's just the point ♪

♪ Hey there, you, with the sad face ♪

♪ Come up to my place and live it up ♪

♪ You beside the dance floor ♪

♪ What do you cry for? ♪

♪ Let's live it up ♪

♪ Just answer me… ♪

Do you think he's expecting us
to, you know… do it?

Well, I think you should only do it
with someone who really loves you

and who you love.

You know, I wish I waited
for someone special.

I should probably give him
a blow job though, shouldn't I?

[chuckling] Oh, God.

How do you give a blow job?

I thought you'd done everything?

- No, I've hardly done anything.
- [chuckles] Oh!

Thalia said that Toby's c*m
tasted of salty orange juice.

[both laughing]

What if he thinks I'm sh*t?

He doesn't think you're sh*t.
He really likes you.

But what if he gets to know me
and then realises I'm sh*t.

You're not sh*t. You're amazing.

Just, you know, be you.

You're the best.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[inhales sharply] Ah.

[inhales, sighs]

[♪ Bittersweet music playing]

[door opens]

[mumbles]

[seat belt clicks]

[engine starts]

What the hell are you doing here?
Why aren't you with your mother?

Mummy doesn't want me to see you.

Please can I come
and live with you, Daddy?

Please?

- What time did you set off?
- Before breakfast.

You must be famished.

I swapped one of my rosettes
for a pack of Tamsin's Opal Fruits.

Ha ha. Breakfast of champions.

[Rupert chuckles]

Well, come on then, up you get.
Let's get you home.

This way. Ready, one, two, three. [Groans]

Do you want to…

I'm so sorry, Archie.
I'm not sure I'm ready.

- Oh, I'm so sorry! [Sighs]
- Hey, don't be silly.

It's fine! I'm in no rush.

I love just hanging out with you.

[chuckles]

I've got Barbarian the Ultimate Warrior,
if you want to play that?

- Yeah. [Chuckles]
- [chuckles]

[hangers clattering]

What are you after?

Just come to get my suit
for the performance.

I didn't think you were coming?

If Tony wants to put on a show for me,
I am more than happy to watch.

Ah, you think he only hired me
to piss you off.

Your words, not mine.

God, can you not see
how petty you're being?

- Can you not see how naive you're being?
- [scoffs]

Came to see you in a play, did he?

Of all the actresses in the world,
it was you who had to be his Titania?

He didn't know
I was going to be playing Nora.

He was blown away.

He offered you a slice of fame,

and you grabbed at it with both hands
like a hungry child.

He doesn't give two shits
about whether you're good or not.

It works for him either way.

Maud O'Hara, wife of rival Declan O'Hara
in Corinium smash hit.

Declan O'Hara's wife bombs
in Corinium production.

I'm exposed regardless.

He's destroyed Rupert,
now he's coming after me.

You think Tony expects me to fail?

I don't think he cares!

[♪ Heart-wrenching music playing]

Great.

Well, let's hope
I prove both of you wrong.

Now, if you wouldn't mind f*cking off,
I would like to get ready in peace.

Yeah. [Huffs]

[breathes shakily]

[groans]

[Rupert] Ah.

I remember that dress.

I was at a garden party with Malise
when the housekeeper called.

Where is she?

[footsteps approaching]

Um, she's still asleep.

Is it okay if we leave her a bit longer?
She was horribly tired, poor thing.

[sighs] I suppose.

The place looks good.

I see Cameron has been allowed a vase.
Must have been quite the uphill battle.

Oh, she's very persuasive.

[Helen] Better at it than I was.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

After all, my drawing room is pink.

You know Tabitha has been bullied?

No. She didn't mention it.

She had a fist fight at Pony Club,
defending your honour.

[chuckles]

That's my girl.

When are you gonna learn
that your actions have consequences?

I didn't know I was being taped.
It wasn't my fault.

But you did sleep with all those women?

I didn't know I was expected
to live like a monk.

You do remember we're not married anymore?

No one expects you to be celibate.

I just think acting like an okay guy
would have been enough...

I don't have to answer to
your strict moral codes anymore, Helen!

But I still have to answer to yours!

[inhales]

Do you know what the mums at school
think of me now?

I am the sl*t that had a foursome with
Rupert Campbell-Black and his friends.

[sniffles]

Your behaviour bleeds over the rest of us.

Your life contaminates ours.

[♪ Dramatic music playing]

I have spoken with a lawyer.

[inhales deeply]

I am seeking 100% custody.

Please. Please don't… don't do this.

I-I-I'll die without them.

You see them once a month at best.
You'll be fine.

Well, I won't let you take them.

Well, you won't have any choice.

I doubt you'll have much credibility
in court with your recent track record.

I am so sorry that your parents
never looked after you,

but I won't leave my children
to the same fate.

If you can't protect them, I will.

Now, I would appreciate it
if you went and got Tabitha.

[exhales]

There we go.

I saved the strawberry for you.

Thank you, sweetheart.

[people chattering]

[Daysee panting] Charles?

Maud's in make-up,
but she doesn't seem quite right.

I've tried… I've tried talking to her,

- but she's having a total meltdown.
- Daysee, okay. I will handle it.

Thank you for letting me know.

- She looks okay to you, doesn't she?
- Hmm.

If by okay, you mean deranged,
as if she could snap at any moment.

[sobs] Jesus. Just stop jabbing at me.

Someone's nervous.

No. I shouldn't have come in.

- I have to go home.
- [Charles] What?

No, I can't be here.

What are you talking about?
You can't leave. You are the lead.

I know why Tony hired me
and I will not be used.

No, you're amazing. You're wonderful.

Don't move. I'll be… I'll be right back.

[Maud sobs]

- Daysee.
- [Daysee] Yes, Charles.

- Doesn't that sort of look like the sea?
- Oh, yes. It sort of does.

Please, fetch Mrs O'Hara a whisky
and find Lord Baddingham now.

- Okay.
- Thank you. [Panting]

Give me five minutes. Five minutes.

Deep breaths, Maud.

[inhales] In, and out.

You do it, you do it.

[person on tannoy]
Fifteen minutes until curtain call.

[Lady Gosling]
Wonderful to see you, Monica.

- [Mrs Menzies-Scott] Yes, hello, Monica.
- Oh, thank you so much for coming.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Oh, such a joy to combine
culture and community.

I, uh, couldn't agree more,
Reverend Penney.

Corinium really has gone above and beyond.

[♪ Foreboding music playing]

- Great to see you, Lady Gosling.
- Oh, you too. [Chuckles]

Surprising. They've come out
en masse it seems.

No Freddie with you tonight?

No, he's not as much
into the Bard as I am.

He's absolutely cuckoo
about the new swimming pool.

- [Lizzie] Oh.
- [chuckling]

Honestly, I can't tear him away.

[Lizzie] Hmm.

Makes my skin itch
just being in the Corinium building.

- We take the higher ground.
- Exactly.

Can we swap? I've already had two pints
and I'm gonna need a piss.

Oh. Yeah, sure.

Apparently, the four men that mow
have their shirts off.

I f*cking love Shakespeare.

Declan's in the audience.

- He looks extremely uncomfortable.
- Very good.

Lord Baddingham, Lord Baddingham?
Mrs O'Hara's refusing to go on.

Okay, everyone out.

Oh, um, Emmie hasn't been finished yet.

- Out!
- Yeah, uh, we'll just go.

Okay. [Grunts]

[groans]

[door closes]

I know why you hired me and I won't do it.

I won't be made a laughing stock.

- All right. Let's sit down.
- No.

Come on.

We'll have a talk.

[scoffs]

[person on tannoy] This is a call
for all ensemble cast and fairies.

Please report to the stage manager
immediately.

The problem is,
she's just not a professional.

We're all here to do a job.

And, uh… [chuckles]
…as we actors always say,

"The show must go on."

[both chuckle]

Isn't that right? [Imitates donkey]

[both chuckling]

- Excuse me.
- Oh.

[Maud] I can't do it.
I can't remember my lines.

I don't know what I'm doing.

You're doing what you were born to do.
You can do this in your sleep.

Declan says you don't care
if I'm any good or not

because either way,
it reflects badly on him.

Oh, Christ. What a terrible thing
to say to one's wife.

There is no chance in hell you'll be bad.

You're an entirely
authentic performer, Maud.

It's as if you've lived it all before.

[stammering] So this isn't a ploy
to get at Declan?

Well, I'll admit that watching
your husband squirm is the cherry on top,

but I'm a businessman.

I don't make bad decisions.

I hired you because you are
bloody good at what you do.

You were the best person for the job.

You're just… You're just flattering me.

- You're just pandering to my ego.
- No, I'm not.

I have no interest in producing
anything that isn't exceptional.

I don't fail.

But if this is a disaster?

It's not gonna be a disaster.
It's gonna be brilliant.

If you don't trust yourself, trust me.

I am so confident in your performance.

I want you to come in and audition for me

for the lead in the next series
of Four Men Went to Mow.

She's the lady of the manor.

A rich, posh English b*tch on heat

who'll have all four men's hearts
and c*ck in the palm of her hand.

If that doesn't prove how confident I am
in you, I don't know what does.

[chuckles]

[Maud] The ox has therefore
stretched his yoke in vain.

The ploughman lost his sweat,

and the green corn hath rotted
ere his youth attained a beard.

The fold stands empty
in the drownèd field,

and crows are fatted
with the murrain flock.

The nine men's Morris
is filled up with mud…

[whispers] Utterly authentic.

…and the quaint mazes in the wanton green
for the lack of tread…

- Isn't she just?
- …are undistinguishable.

Camera one, push in.

[Maud] No night is now
with hymn or carol blessed.

Therefore, the moon,
the governess of floods

[both] pale in her anger,
washes all the air,

that rheumatic diseases do abound.

What's this play about?

It's about the fragility of being in love

and how easy it can happen
with the wrong person,

but how that same haphazardness makes
the triumph of true love all the sweeter.

[Maud] And thy fair virtue's force
perforce doth move me

on the first view to say, to swear,

I love thee.

[♪ Opera music playing]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

- [music ends]
- [audience applauding]

[person on tannoy] Ladies and gentlemen,
we will now have a short intermission

where a selection of refreshments
will be available in the auditorium.

[applause continues]

[cheering]

[all chattering]

Oh, thank you.

James, your Bottom is… was marvellous.

Would you like a Club?

Give this to Emmie for me, will you?

[James moans]

[water bubbling]

[chuckles]

- [knock on door]
- [grunts]

Lizzie. What you doing here?

[exhales] I'm so sorry.
I know I shouldn't have.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckling] Oh, you're reading my book.

I am. Went to W.H. Smiths. There you were.

There was a bidding w*r on my new novel.

What? The chapters I read
about Letty and Ferdy?

Yes. [Chuckles]

They liked it so much
they've given me a two-book deal.

- [exhales]
- Carole, my agent, is over the moon.

I've made more money today
than I've earned in my entire life.

- [chuckles]
- I just wanted to tell you first.

That's bloody brilliant.

You're bloody brilliant.

[both breathing shakily]

[♪ "I Knew You Were
Waiting [For Me]" playing]

♪ Like a warrior that fights ♪

♪ And wins the battle ♪

♪ I know the taste of victory ♪

♪ Though I went through some nights ♪

♪ Consumed by the shadows ♪

♪ I was crippled emotionally ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Somehow I made it
Through the heartache ♪

♪ Yes I did ♪

♪ I escaped ♪

♪ I found my way out of the darkness ♪

- ♪ I kept my faith ♪
- ♪ I know you did ♪

♪ Kept my faith ♪

♪ When the river was deep
I didn't falter ♪

♪ When the mountain was high
I still believed ♪

♪ When the valley was low
It didn't stop me ♪

[person on tannoy] Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

The performance is about to resume.

f*ck!

Probably got lost, poor lamb.

[inhales] Well, the public must have its...

[groans]

[Deirdre] And cue curtain.

[exhales] Okay, cue music.

[actor] I wonder if…

[gasps] I can't find James.
I've looked everywhere.

- He's not in Studio 2.
- What?

But he said he'd be there.

Jesus Christ,
we can't carry on without Bottom.

What the hell are we going to do?

[Hugo] Here comes my messenger.

[both] How now, mad spirit?

What night-rule now
about this haunted grove?

Charles.

♪ When the river was deep
I didn't falter ♪

♪ When the mountain was high… ♪

[whispers] Where's your sister?

Maybe she's doing a poo.

♪ It didn't stop me ♪

[moaning]

♪ I knew you were waiting
I knew you were waiting ♪

Oh, my God. [Moaning]

Oh, God.

- [panting]
- [chuckling]

[music ends]

- Oh, I was worried you might drown.
- [chuckles]

What a wonderful way to die. [Chuckles]

[panting]

[Sharon] Dad!

Dad?

You all right, my angel?
What you doing home?

Mummy hates me.

Of course she don't hate you.
She loves ya.

How did you get home?

I walked.
Cut straight across Frogsmore Field.

What? All that way?

Well, you should've called me.
I would have picked you up.

I did. It just rang and rang.

Mum thinks I look awful.
She says I'm an embarrassment.

[Freddie] You're beautiful, baby.

You know that Mummy says
silly things sometimes.

She adores you. She'd k*ll for you.
You know that.

[Sharon] What if she's right?

There was a boy I liked at the stables,
but he said I was weird.

Well then, he's not for you.

Not everyone fancies everyone.

Love can be cruel like that.

It's about chemistry and lucky timing.

[sighs] I wish someone loved me
the way you love Mum.

[Freddie sighs]

They will, baby. They will.

[chuckles] I won't tell Mum
about your skinny dipping.

[chuckles]

It'll be our little secret, yeah?

Let's go and get some ice cream. Come on.

[♪ Heartbreaking music playing]

[gasping]

[sniffles]

- [Maud] And kiss thy ears…
- [packet crinkling]

[Charles] Monsieur Cobweb, good monsieur.

- Get you your weapons in your hand…
- That's Charles.

- …and k*ll me a red-hipped bumblebee…
- No, I don't think so.

…on the top of a thistle.

I think it's James Vereker playing Bottom.

No, that's-that's definitely Charles.

- [Charles] Do not fret yourself too much…
- [both chuckle]

…in the action, monsieur,

and, good monsieur, have a care
the honey-bag break not.

What the f*ck is going on?

- I think he's rather good.
- [Charles delivering lines, muffled]

- [audience member] Bravo!
- [cheering]

[♪ Opera music playing]

Bravo! Bravo!

- Oh, well done, darling.
- Thank you, darling. Thank you.

Your mum was ace.

Oh, she was, wasn't she?

So why'd you look
like someone just ate your last Rolo?

I thought the play was
a little depressing, that's all.

How is it depressing?
It's all about true love.

[groaning]

And a love potion
that can make you forget everything.

[Shelley] Mmm.

[Taggie] And fall in love
with the wrong person.

Girl, you need a tequila
and a c*ck in you right now.

- Come on, we're going into town.
- I-I should probably wait for Mummy.

f*ck off. Life's short.
We're never gonna be this hot again.

Um…

Come on.

[Bobby] Whoo! [Huffs]

- Well done.
- Well done, darling. Well done.

You were incredible.

Oh, don't be silly.

It was a-a-a tour de force.

Right. Well done, Charles.

- [sniffs] Congrats, darling.
- See you upstairs.

You're a much better Bottom than James.

- [chuckles]
- [Charles sobbing]

Don't cry. It went so well.

[sniffling]

Mummy died this morning.

What?

I got a call from the nursing home to say
that she'd died just before dawn.

Didn't think Tony would be too impressed
if I didn't come in. [Sniffles]

A lot resting on today, you know?

- [sobs]
- I'm-I'm so sorry.

An orphan boy at 40.

[sobbing]

[♪ Tender music playing]

[knock on door]

Are you decent?

[Charles clears throat, sniffles]

Oh, Gerald, did you tell him our news?

[gasps] No, what news?

[Muffy] We've set a date for the wedding.
March the 5th.

[gasping] Oh.

Oh. [Sobs]

[sobbing continues]

[stuttering] Charles's mother died
this morning.

- Oh, Charles, I am sorry.
- Oh, dear.

[Muffy] Poor her. Poor you.

End bit really is frightful.

Come on, Gerry.
Let's let him dry his eyes.

One doesn't want to appear
tear-stained in public.

- We'll see you upstairs at the party.
- [exhales]

Stiff drinks all round. Doctor's orders.

[♪ Forlorn music playing]

[Charles sniffles, sobbing]

[sniffles, sobbing]

[partygoers chattering]

- My, my, you are a lucky sod, Declan.
- [Hermione] Mmm.

Maudy was superb. A fine filly indeed.

Really was a masterpiece.

Who the hell let Declan
and his reprobates up here?

Mother goose, apparently.

Oh, you really bought
the Bard alive tonight, Tony. [Chuckles]

The Scottish Play is my favourite,
but this is proving a close second.

Yes, wasn't it good?

Well, I'm sorry
my Fred-Fred couldn't be here.

He's absolutely gaga
about the new swimming pool.

Everything smells of chlorine.

Do excuse me.

Lady Gosling.

- Congratulations, Tony.
- Yes, yes.

It was honestly the kind of thing

I would have expected to see
at Stratford-Upon-Avon.

Of course, it's exactly what we
at the, uh…

The Ministry of Culture
are looking to promote.

I saw the announcement
of your new position, Mr Stratton.

- Oh. [Chuckles]
- Hmm. Lovely news, isn't it?

We're so proud to be back in government,
aren't we, darling?

Indeed.

Mrs Thatcher's been so clever
to recognise Paul's talents.

[Lady Gosling] Quite.

Don't you think it makes sense to invite
Paul to join the board at Corinium?

Ah!

You're quite right.

Would you like to join, Paul?

Well, 1987 is turning into
quite the banner year.

[all chuckle]

Here's to hopefully topping it off
with a, uh, boy in December.

[all chuckling]

Yes, I must just
say hello to Lizzie. [Chuckles]

[stammers] What happened to James?

Oh. Well, he wasn't that bad. [Chuckles]

No, James didn't come on
in the second half.

Nobody knows what happened to him.
Charles filled in.

Oh.

Well, perhaps you ought to go
and look for him.

And you might think about
towelling off your hair first.

You smell a little of chlorine.

[sighs]

Between you and me, I thought your Titania
at school was far more exciting.

[chuckling] That was a long time ago.

I remember.

Um… Daysee, isn't it?

Oh.

Lovely to see you looking so well.

- [chuckling] Oh. Sorry.
- [gasps]

- Are you okay?
- Yep.

You don't look okay.

It's just been a very long day.

James?

James, darling, it's me.

[sighs] Oh, God.

James?

- Oh, James! What happened?
- [James groaning]

- Oh, James. James?
- [grunts]

- Oh. Oh.
- [groans]

Think I knocked myself out.

- Oh, darling.
- [groans]

Wait. Did they have to cancel the play?

No, darling. So sorry.

[groaning]

- What, they did it without me?
- Yes, I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't be silly. It's not your fault.

You saved me, like you always do.

You're a saint. I don't deserve you.

- [chuckles]
- [groans, sucks teeth]

[patrons chattering]

- All right, Kev?
- [Kevin] All right.

Two shots and a snake bite.

[♪ "Walk Like an Egyptian" playing]

What do you want?

Uh, that… Yeah, a sho… a shot too, please.

Tequila. Best love potion known to man.

How was the show, then?

Bunch of posh wankers prancing about?

Pretty decent rendition, to be honest.

Don't be jealous, Kev.
One day your prince will come.

[Kevin groans]

- [clears throat]
- [Taggie coughs]

One for each of us.

- [stammering] What are you doing?
- I'm sticking the music up.

[music volume increases]

[patrons cheering]

- ♪ Gold crocodiles ♪
- ♪ Oh-way-oh ♪

♪ They snap their teeth
On your cigarette ♪

♪ Foreign types
With the hookah pipes say ♪

♪ Way-oh, way-oh, ooh-way-oh-way-oh ♪

Go on.

♪ Walk like an Egyptian ♪

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

♪ The blonde waitresses take their trays ♪

♪ They spin around
And they cross the floor ♪

- ♪ They've got the moves ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh-way-oh ♪

♪ You drop your drink
Then they bring you more ♪

♪ All the school kids so sick of books ♪

♪ They like the punk and the metal band ♪

♪ When the buzzer rings ♪

- ♪Oh-way-oh ♪
- [chuckles]

♪ They're walking like an Egyptian ♪

♪ All the kids in the marketplace say ♪

♪ Way-oh, way-oh, ooh-way-oh-way-oh ♪

[both chuckling]

♪ Walk like an Egyptian ♪

[guests cheering, applauding]

[cheering continues]

You were incredible.

Oh, you thought so, did you?
Well, how kind.

I'll get a drink.

You know, it was just like
watching you in the old days.

I want you to come to Ireland with me.

Imagine it. You, me and Yeats.
It'd be our homecoming.

You want me to go with you?

[scoffing] To do what?

- To be by my side.
- Oh, to be by your side?

'Cause I thought we were done
supporting each other, Declan.

I mean, didn't you just come tonight
to watch me fail?

No, I-I was angry.

I-I shouldn't have said
what I said, all right?

[breathes shakily]

- You were amazing in there.
- [scoffs]

Please, love. Please come with me.

No!

I don't think so!

I-I don't want to sit around
watching you work.

And, fortunately, I'm going to be
quite busy because Tony, uh…

[breathes shakily]

Tony wants me for the new series
of Four Men Went to Mow.

- Are you joking?
- No.

Because he believes in me
even though you clearly don't.

That is not true, and you know it.

Well, you've never done anything
to help my career.

All you've ever done is hold me back.

Let's talk about this at home.

The cast are going out for a drink.

I've booked a room
at the Cotchester Hilton,

so don't bother waiting up.

- [Maud exclaims, whoops]
- [guest] Hello, darling.

- Well done. Well done.
- [Maud chuckles] Thank you.

[♪ Foreboding music playing]

- Where's my leading lady?
- Oh! [Chuckling]

[♪ "99 Red Balloons" playing]

♪ Ninety-nine red balloons go by ♪

What's going on here?
Is it someone's birthday?

Don't think so.
Shelley and Taggie kicked it all off.

Taggie?

♪ Ninety-nine dreams I have had ♪

♪ Just to prove the world was here ♪

♪ And here is a red balloon ♪

♪ I think of you, and let it go ♪

- Bas!
- [chuckles] Are you all right?

- I'm a bit drunk!
- [chuckling] Are you?

- I think I need to go home.
- All right. Well, I'll drive you. Okay?

- Yeah.
- Ready? [Chuckles]

- Sorry.
- W-Watch yourself.

- Have you seen Shelley?
- No.

- Have you seen Dommie?
- No.

[Basil] Behave yourself.

Oh! Whoa.

Uh, I'm heading off, Shelley.

[Shelley, muffled] Okay.

Oh. See you, Taggie.

[grunts]

It's not like you to drink.
Is everything all right?

It's poor Bottom.

Everyone else falls in love, and he just
goes back to being sad, old Bottom.

[chuckles]

I think I'm Bottom.

Y-You are not Bottom.

I mean, you have a fabulous bottom,
but you're not Bottom.

[chuckles]

[Basil] Anyway, who's to say

that Bottom doesn't meet somebody
wonderful the day after the play?

Hmm?

There's always tomorrow, Taggie.

[engine starts]

[door closes]

[owl hooting]

[Caitlin] Don't tell Daddy
I was out, okay?

[Taggie] Yeah, I won't say anything.
I'm not gonna...

- [Caitlin] Are you drunk?
- [Taggie] What?

[both muttering]

[Taggie] Where's Mummy?

They had a fight.

[inhales] She's staying in Cotchester.

Well, then, go and get her.

Just tell her you love her.
Tell her what she wants to hear.

[sighs]

Why are all men so bloody useless?

- [footsteps departing]
- [dog whimpers]

[sighs]

- [gasps] Oh.
- Hello.

Hello.

[sighs]

Uh, you…

- [gasps] Oh, my gosh. Gosh.
- [chuckles]

Yes. Uh, sorry.

Um, was Sharon okay?

Yeah. She didn't see anything.

I felt so guilty I said I'd buy her
this field and build her her own stables.

[both chuckle]

Which…

[chuckles] Yes, we can't keep doing this.

[♪ Heartbreaking music playing]

Too many people will get hurt.

Yeah.

[inhales] Gosh… [sucks teeth]

[breathes shakily]

[inhales]

I suppose we're lucky we had it,
even for an instant.

Yeah.

Goodbye, Freddie.

Goodbye, Lizzie.

[sobs]

[inhales, exhales]

Mother disappeared gradually from my life,
and for that, I am grateful.

I'm not sure I could have withstood
her disappearing all at once.

Who will I put
the Christmas cards up with now?

[breathes shakily]

Who will I tell when I've got good news?

[whispers] My friends.

Thank you all so much. [Breathes shakily]

I can't tell you how much
this means to me.

[sighs]

Look, Declan,

I know I've left you and Venturer
in an awful mess,

but I'm gonna make it up to you.

[funeral guests chattering]

Sure.

[knock on door]

[Tony] Enter.

[door opens]

I told you you could do it.

[Maud chuckles]

Are we waiting for anyone?

No.

Just us.

Would you like me to read anything?

I was hoping, perhaps, we could improvise.

Huh.

[sighs]

Would you like me to do
the English accent?

Why not?

[bag thuds]

You know, the first rule of improvisation
is you can't say no to anything.

Is that right?

Would you like to see me do
anything in particular?

There are lots of things
I want to see you do.

You know, I actually dreamt of doing some
things in front of you the other night.

Oh, really? What was that?

- It was some very bad things.
- Ah.

I seem to remember it started

something like this.

[♪ Mischievous music playing]

And then…

What was it?

Oh, yes.

[sniffs]

[music ends]

[♪ Opera music playing]