02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

[♪ Cheerful music playing]

People sometimes ask me,

"Do sportsmen make good politicians?"

I say, "Yes, if you like your
politicians brave, disciplined,

strong in body, mentally agile."

Someone who knows how to truly commit,

working night and day
to make your life better.

Someone who knows
they're playing for the winning side,

who's born to win and refuses to lose.

Someone who can ride any storm,

and even let others take the lead,
without ever tiring or letting go.

Someone who is flexible and used to
competing in difficult positions.

If that ticks all your boxes,
may I invite you to tick mine?

- Oh, you look spectacular.
- [moaning]

[TV announcer] That was a party political
broadcast by the Conservative Party.

You do know that's an antique?

[both moan]

The mirror is pretty old too.

- Helen.
- [both panting]

[♪ opera music playing]

So you forgot.

Not for a second.

Half-term break,
you have them till Wednesday.

- I've been looking forward to it.
- [grunts] Stop it!

Your poker face is terrible.

More of a bridge man.
I do like a foursome.

[child] Daddy!

Hello, sweetheart.

[kisses]

Hi, Marcus.

Hi, Dad.

[Helen] The children's bags.
The clothes are all labelled.

There's a list in there, if you could
check them all off when they come back.

Tabitha came home
without a single sock last time.

[Rupert clears throat]

Hello.

Hi, I'm Mrs Gordon, the children's mother.

Uh, yeah, uh…

- Helen, this is Cameron.
- I've heard so much about you.

Philadelphia, right?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, New York by way of Philly.

- You?
- Florida.

Hmm.

And hi, you must be Tabitha?

Obviously.

Who are you?

Um, I'm your, uh…
your father's girlfriend.

You're bloody not!

[growls]

Okay, I'm gonna leave you
to deal with that.

I'm late for my plane,
my husband is waiting.

Where are you going?

- Venice.
- [Cameron] Oh!

Baby, we should go to Venice.

Wasted on Rupert, I'm afraid.

Okay, kiss the children for me.
I'll see them…

- Wednesday.
- [Helen] Wednesday. Right.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
that they didn't know about me.

Enjoy Venice!

Don't fall in.

Tabitha! Come and meet Cameron properly.

[classical orchestral music playing]

- [groans]
- Told you you should order the beef.

Luigi's is legendary.

Yeah, I'm not really enjoying
red meat at the moment.

- [scoffs]
- Ah!

Monica couldn't eat eggs for nine months.

Couldn't see them in the pantry
without feeling nauseous.

Hmm.

So, explain to me how it's mine.

You remember the day I joined Corinium?

Celebration dinner at The Bear in Bisley,

two courses.

Me for pudding. [Chuckles]

Forgive me, I'm not the only suspect.

James and I didn't start
until Miss Corinium.

You do have a husband.

No, Paul lost his libido at the same time
as his cabinet seat. [Scoffs]

Not something, um,
you'd ever have trouble with, I imagine.

You're feeling a bit pushed out

since Beattie came on board
at Corinium, am I right?

You're also aware that Cameron's out.

You're wondering
if a little power move like this

might move you
into the position she vacated.

Queen of Corinium.

Sad to say, Sarah, we're not
inviting applications at present.

Nor are we looking for
an illegitimate heir to the throne.

Get rid of it.

I know a very good chap in Harley Street,
have this sorted out in no time.

A termination?

No… [groans] …not a nice word.

Better to think of it
as a cleansing of your soul.

Be a shame if this were
to hang over your blossoming career.

It would hang over you too though,
wouldn't it?

And Monica. Ooh.

Eminently deniable.

Unless that sprog pops out
with a cigar in its mouth,

you've no way to prove it's mine.

- [server] Here you go, your beef daube.
- Mmm.

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- [server] Bon appétit.

Mmm. God, that's good. [Smacks lips] Mmm.

Try the beef.

[scoffs]

Come on.

[♪ Tense music playing]

[groans]

Don't try to play chess with me, Sarah.

You're not clever enough.

We both want rid of this problem,

so you sort it out
as quick as you possibly can.

Good girl.

[Paul] Rupert's all over
bloody everything.

They've shown his party political
broadcast five times this week,

he's been on Breakfast Time and TV-am.

- Both channels, both channels!
- [microwave dings]

Meanwhile, I can't even
get invited on Cotswold Round-Up,

a program me presented by my own wife.

Thank you, darling.

So, listen, I've made some calls

and we're gonna have
a dinner party on Tuesday.

See if we can't turn some local goodwill
into actual television coverage.

Show Tony Baddingham we mean business.

Dinner party here?

Do you know,

Winifred always used to
throw me dinner parties

in the run-up to an election,

and I never had to suggest it myself.

- Oh. Good for Winifred.
- [chuckles]

Yes.

Perhaps you should
start thinking about what to cook.

[♪ Melancholy music playing]

[chuckles]

You're too good to those birds.

[Taggie chuckles]
I like how busy they are.

- Work so hard at surviving.
- [Basil] Morning!

Aubergines from the market, as requested.

- Aubergines in the Cotswolds?
- Oh, Bas was in London last night.

I've gotta make six, um, mou…

- Uh, what's it again?
- Moussaka. [Chuckles]

[chuckles] Six moussaka for
the Women's Institute AGM,

- and a spare one for your lunch.
- Can't wait.

Do you want a hand?
I'm a decent sous-chef.

Oh. Okay, yeah.

[Rupert] Morning all!

[Cameron] Good morning!

Boss lady's here.

Um…

Morning.

You must be Marcus.

Uh, hello.

Which makes you Tabitha.

And you're Declan O'Hara from the telly.

- [Declan] Declan O'Telly, that's right.
- [chuckles]

This is all looking great.

It is, but Charles called me this morning.

Turns out Corinium are also developing

a series of Shakespeare plays
for the schools' market.

Did you know about this?

It's another thing
from our application document, isn't it?

[dog barking]

[secretary] All right then…

Where do you want this, Declan?

Uh, over here…

[secretary] There you go…

Oh, f*ck, I'm sweating cobs here.

Who is this person?

- [phone ringing]
- Oh.

Good morning, Venturer Television,
Shelley speaking.

Well, we said we needed a secretary.

She prefers "Executive Assistant".

Declan, BBC for you.

[Declan clears throat]

Declan O'Hara.

Hello, Jeremy.

- [Tabitha] Hi, Bas!
- [Basil] Oh! Hello, munchkin.

[grunts] How are you?

Is there any food? Cameron made breakfast,
but it was disgusting.

[Basil chuckling]

- [Tabitha] Which is your desk?
- Why?

You're a new character in my life.

- I want to know everything about you.
- [Declan] That's fantastic.

We've put you over here, Cameron.
This is the driving seat.

Why don't you go into
the kitchen and find Taggie?

She'll get you a snack.
Go on, it's just through there.

I scrambled some eggs.
How is that disgusting?

[Declan] Will do, Jeremy. Thank you.

So, our Yeats documentary
is now officially in development.

[all cheering] Yes! Come on!

I love a bit of Yeats.

Oh, honey, till recently you
were pronouncing it "Yeets".

[Freddie] So, what happens now?

Take a trip over to Ireland,
scout out some locations.

We don't need to sh**t in Ireland,

we've got landscape
coming out of our ears in Rutshire.

With all due respect, Cameron...

Says the man about to say
something disrespectful.

f*cking Rutshire
looks nothing like Ireland

and it's ignorant to even suggest
that we would ever...

We should be trying to film
wherever's least expensive.

I don't want the maths club
running the drama group, all right?

- Oh, hello, children.
- [Cameron clears throat]

Uh, there's nobody in the kitchen.

[sighs]

[Cameron] Okay, uh, take a seat

and we'll-we'll find you
some cookies or something.

Huh, Shelley?

You don't want the math club
running the drama group,

I don't want the drama group
being irresponsible

with Venturer's program me budget!

- [farts]
- [gasps]

[all laughing]

- [Basil] Very good. Very good.
- Oh, my God.

You little shits.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… come on.
The timing was good.

[Tabitha] Cameron farticated!

Ew, I can smell it!

- Darling.
- I'm just gonna speak to her.

[Rupert] Hey, um…

Why don't you take her with you?

- Huh?
- Show her the landscape,

make her fall in love with the place.

You want me to take Cameron to Ireland?

Why am I suspicious?

I could really use
a few days alone with the kids.

Try and talk to them
about this new relationship.

Help me out here?

Yeah. Yeah, all right.

[Lizzie] Taggie!

Taggie, I've got your…

[groans]

…dish. [Chuckles]

Hello.

Freddie.

You been okay?

Not great.

No, me neither.

[Rupert] Where are those bloody coffees?

So, hello, Lizzie.

Sorry, snatching a moment.
Didn't mean to interrupt.

Oh, no, don't worry.

I don't know why muggins here
has been left to make the coffee

while Shelley's sat on her arse
with her tin of Family Circle.

[chuckles] I always prefer to
sit near the biscuits.

- [chuckles] Same.
- [Lizzie chuckles]

How many times have you shagged now?

[sighs] Once.

And never again.

Surely not?

I'd imagine Mr Jones is
a very considerate lover.

- I'm married.
- Yes, to James Vereker.

We can't all just do what we want, Rupert.

The rules are there to
stop people getting hurt.

That's why most of us
try to stick to them.

I came to give this back to Taggie.

We were all quite surprised when you
moved Cameron into Penscombe Court.

Well, I-I hope it's working out.

[Beaver barking]

Beaver, fetch!

[Cameron] I'll only be
a few days in Ireland…

Honestly, how is he my son
with an underarm like that?

You won't do anything silly, will you,
if Tony comes prowling round?

Hit him with a showjumping trophy?
[chuckles]

If he had anything on us,
he'd have used it by now.

Look, I said I would be here
to look after you and I will.

Hmm.

I think you like that you rescued me.

What happens when I don't need
taking care of anymore?

Hey, I might have rescued you
the first time,

but the second time you rescued yourself.

And I like that very much.

Well, I guess Tabitha's not
coming to say goodbye.

Look, I know she's been a little toad.

But I've never had a woman here
at the same time as the children.

Whatever else I've done,
I've stuck to that.

So, of course she's rattled by
meeting you.

It's your own bloody fault for making me
adore you enough to break the rules.

[chuckles] You know what…

I'm gonna miss you.

[Beaver panting]

And I'll miss you too, Blue.

Bye, Marcus.

[Marcus] Bye.

Do you think she'll come back?

Why wouldn't she?

[Tabitha crying]

[Taggie] Are you lost?

- Oh.
- [cries]

I'm sorry you're upset.

I'm Taggie.

I live in the house down there.

I like your puff-ball skirt.

I always wanted one,
but my knees are too knobbly.

Hey, this is Gertrude.

She's a good listener,
I tell her all my problems.

Her advice isn't very good though,
she mainly just woofs and "grrrs".

[both chuckle]

You think you can tell her what's wrong?

Daddy doesn't love me anymore.

- [Rupert] Tabitha!
- [Marcus] Tab!

[Rupert] There you are…

Um, darling, what… [exhales]
…what did I tell you about running away?

[Tabitha] This is Taggie, Daddy.
She lives down there.

Yeah, we've, uh…

- We've met.
- Can she come to tea, Daddy?

- Please, please.
- Oh, um…

Yeah, come and have some tea, why not?

Um… [stammers] …I've gotta get home.

But another day, okay?

Come on, pup.

Okay, home time.

I don't think she likes you, Daddy.

[♪ "We Got the Beat" playing]

[radio host] Good morning, Rutshire.
What a beautiful, sunny morning it is too.

With the general election only days away,

this morning we'll be asking if Rutshire
will stay as conservative as ever,

or if local MPs, Rupert Campbell-Black
for Chalford and Bisley,

and Paul Stratton for Cotchester

should be watching their backs
for a potential liberal landslide.

- [doorbell rings]
- [Sarah] And here is the kitchen.

Where you'll be making
all the magic happen. [Chuckles]

Cooker, fridge here, pantry,
a walk-in cupboard there,

that's where Paul keeps
all the wine and whatnot.

Um, you're happy with the recipe?

It's just I know that
reading is a struggle for you.

Isn't it, with your…
[whispering] …dyslexia?

Oh, I'm fine. I've got everything.

Thank you for writing it out so big.

Now I know beef, it's a bit much isn't it,
for a summer dinner party,

but, well, it's his favourite.

My husband's favourite, I mean.

And with the election, and Paul
needs all the TV coverage he can get.

Oh, uh, of course.

And you don't mind staying
in the kitchen tonight, do you?

It's just, it's a bit awkward,
you being Venturer.

Oh, Daddy doesn't know.

But he can't really complain,
we need the money.

[Sarah] Oh.

Well, just don't go poisoning all of
Corinium in my dining room. [Laughs]

Seriously though,
you really mustn't let anyone see you.

Oh. Okay.

I'd rather give them the impression
that I'm doing the cooking tonight.

So I really need everything to be perfect.

Right.

[Sarah sighs]

Okay, well,
I'm gonna go to the hairdressers.

Um, don't answer the door,

but if somebody calls,
just pretend to be the daily. Okay?

Oh, sure, um, what if anyone
sees me in the kitchen tonight?

[inhales sharply] Ooh.

Just duck into the pantry.

[TV presenter] This afternoon,
the MP for Chalford and Bisley

was in Stroud with his children
to open the newest branch of Waitrose,

armed with a very large pair of scissors.

[Rupert] And three, two, one!

[crowd cheers]

[Rupert] Well done. Cheers.

I'm delighted to drop in
on our walk around Stroud.

Waitrose is absolutely the best place
to pick up a nice hunk of Cotswold Blue.

[chuckles]

[TV presenter] In Chalford…

[Taggie] No, no, no, no, no, no.

[stammers] Oh, God. God, no, you idiot.

[inhales sharply] Um…

Okay.

Okay.

[groans]

- [sobs]
- [phone rings]

[gasps] Uh… Um.

[stammers] Uh, uh, uh…
[in Rutshire accent] …hello.

Mrs Stratton be shopping,
thank you very much.

That's the worst Rutshire accent
I've ever heard, Sarah.

- It's Rupert.
- It's…

It's not Sarah.

Is that Taggie?

[sighs] Sarah said to
pretend to be a daily.

Um, uh, I'm actually after Paul.

Um, is he there? It's party business.

sh*t.

Oh.

Darling, what is it?

I'm making Mr Stratton's favourite beef
from The White Elephant in Painswick,

only I've just dropped all the salt in it,
and now it's ruined.

Oh, angel…

Well, can you make it again?

No, it's too late,
the butcher shuts at 4:00.

God, I've ruined everything.
[exhales deeply]

All right, leave it with me.

Uh, you get on with the starter,
and I'll be there in an hour.

No, you don't have to do that...

But there's an awful lot to do.

Sorry, Gerald. I'm rescuing a constituent.

- [Tabitha] Give me back my money!
- You can't have it.

It's free parking, not free pounds!

Oh, for…

[♪ "Venus" playing]

[guests chattering]

Are you nearly done?
They're sitting down. Well, some of them.

- Uh… nearly, nearly…
- [Lizzie] Yes.

- I've been enjoying it much more.
- Quick, someone's coming. Can you…

- [Taggie] Oh.
- I think I just have to get used to it.

- Gorgeous canapés, Sarah.
- [Sarah] Oh, thanks so much.

Yes, I love those.

Um, Taggie O'Hara makes them.

Yes!

Yes, I-I asked for the recipe.

- Oh.
- Hmm.

What are you cooking us?

I'm cooking Luigi's famous beef daube.

I had to almost sleep with him
to get the recipe.

Oh, but-but that's Tony's favourite.
I can't wait to tell him.

- [Sarah chuckles]
- Can I do anything?

Yes, will you tell the men
to bloody well sit down?

- [sighs] It's like herding cats, isn't it?
- [chuckles]

[Monica] Where's your glass, Lizzie?
Have you put it down again?

[Lizzie] Yeah.

- [Charles] Sarah?
- [exclaims]

Sorry, did I make you jump?

I'm so sorry for bringing your nemesis.

Mother's not well tonight.

Beattie overheard me on the phone

and insisted she come along
with me instead.

I-I-I couldn't stop her.

Don't worry,
I've put her next to James. Ha!

Oh, actually you…

Can take this in for me.

I need no second bidding.

[chuckles]

[Charles] Now then, who needs a top up?

[speaks indistinctly]

Now can I take these?
Are these ready to go?

Oh, I'm not really ready, um...

But they look ready.

Actually, uh, yes. Uh, they're ready.

- Sorry.
- Wow.

And just remind me again, what are these?

I-It's, uh, trout mousse
with a cucumber salad and melba toast.

And did it take me long to make it?

Not really 'cause
you're very good at cooking.

[giggles]

Beef daube for eight,
direct from Luigi at The White Elephant.

Oh, my goodness.

You're a lifesaver. Thank you.

Oh, look, it's the same dish.

Do you mind?

[grunts]

Does your father know
you're cooking for the enemy?

This is the strangest job I have...

- [Sarah laughs] Charles, you're so…
- [gasps] It's Sarah, quick! Just

[Lizzie laughs]
Really?

Yeah.

[Lizzie laughing]

I knew Sarah wasn't cooking.

Oh, my God, please don't say anything.

- I'll be in such trouble.
- I won't say a word.

- I said I was going to the loo.
- [Paul] Is there any horseradish?

- [Sarah] I'll get it.
- Why don't you use the upstairs one?

Well, I don't need the loo.

- [Taggie] That's okay.
- All right, okay.

What herb's on top? Monica's asking.

Oh, um, dill.

Dill? Mmm, okay.

Um, Paul wants horseradish.

Oh, Sarah. No, not in there.

- [Sarah yelps]
- [Taggie groans]

What the hell are you doing here?

I just popped round to see Taggie.

- [James] Sarah!
- [Sarah stutters] Wait. [Mutters]

I have to speak to you.

I'm hosting a dinner party, James.

- It can't wait. I am going crackers.
- Look, I'm sure it can...

- Apparently, you are pregnant.
- What…

- [Sarah] Where did you hear that?
- Deirdre told me at work. Is it true?

- Is it mine?
- No!

Look, I'm getting rid of it, all right?

- Oh, phew.
- So just please don't say anything.

- [Paul] Sarah! Are you in the kitchen?
- Doh! Quick, get in there!

I'm not getting in a bloody cup

[groans]
Just…

[James] I'm fine! [Groans]

- Everything all right, darling?
- Oh. Yes. What-What, why?

I don't know, you seem a bit...

Um, so do you!

- [stammers] This is terribly important!
- [Sarah] I know.

- Oh, my insides are not right at all.
- [Sarah groans]

- Darling, it's probably just nerves.
- [Paul] Yeah.

[Sarah] Go upstairs
and swig some of that Pepto-Bismol.

- [Paul] Yes, all right.
- [chuckling]

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh…

Someone was in the other loo
so I went upstairs.

[Sarah] Oh, it's no problem.

Very good.

[Sarah] Go and sit down, have a drink.

Another drink.

[grunts]

Get back in there
before Lizzie sees you're gone.

God, Sarah, I can't tell you the relief.

- [clicks teeth]
- [James groans]

- It's not mine, is it?
- N-No! f*ck off!

Get me the horseradish. Middle shelf.

Right, do you know
where the horseradish is?

- Oh, let me!
- Oh, okay.

Oh, sorry.

- [Tony] I'll just be a second.
- Oh, God!

[gasps, pants]

[Beattie] What does a girl have to do
to get a proper drink around here?

I could m*rder a Scotch.

- Are we alone?
- Looks like it.

[Beattie] Our plan is
coming together deliciously.

I genuinely think it might lose
a particular unlovely person

their particularly lovely job.

Beautiful music to my ears.

Mmm, you just need to keep
a certain person out of my way.

[door opens]

Oh, hello, you two.

Talking shop again, are we?

Paul, you really are
the most attentive host.

Every time I turn around, there you are.

Well, actually, I was just popping in

for this cheeky little Burgundy
to go with the beef.

What do you say, Tony, shall we,
uh, rip her knickers off?

Oh, God, absolutely.

- Excuse me, I mustn't leave Monica…
- [Paul stammers, clears throat]

Oh, uh, did I mention
what a wonderful job you're doing

on the election campaigns?

Sarah has learnt so much from you.

Well, she had a great deal to learn.

[laughing] Indeed, very good!

[exhales deeply] Right.

This is my very important dinner party,
all right?

So I have to go back in there

because people are going
to start asking where I am.

Please get the main course ready

and try not to do anything more
to f*ck up my night.

[groans] Oh, Jesus…

Okay.

- What can I do?
- [grunts] Can you take this one with you?

- Hide the evidence.
- Of course.

- And this is definitely the salty one?
- Yes.

Thank you so much for tonight.

Wish I could pay you back.

I-I mean, return the favour. [Stammers]

[chuckles]

Well, uh, actually,
there is one thing you could help me with.

- Oh, yeah?
- Once we've escaped from Colditz...

[Paul] Rosé o'clock, me thinks.

This is just stupid. [Grunts]

- [Paul] Has Tony said anything to you?
- [Sarah] About what?

The entire purpose of this evening!

Getting my face on Corinium Television.

No, but he can't
whilst you're still in here, can he?

[chuckles] Oh, do me a favour,
crack open another bottle of red.

- Lizzie's really ploughing through it.
- [Paul] Yeah, roger Wilco.

[sniffs, clears throat]

- All aboard.
- [farts]

[groans]

[laughing]

Oh, God, she took it.

What do we do? Oh, God.

- You'll have to go in there.
- I can't go in there!

- Well, I really can't go in there!
- Well, what… Oh…

- It's the wrong beef!
- What?

You'll regret it if you argue, darling.
Just run and get the beef.

[Sarah whimpers]

- Oven gloves!
- [Taggie] Yep!

- [Sarah] Oh, h-hang on, everybody.
- sh*t.

[Sarah] Don't eat it yet.
I've just forgot to do something.

[Rupert, Taggie chuckling]

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

[stutters] What?

What the hell is going on?
Everyone in there thinks I'm batty.

Just say you forgot to garnish it.

- Here…
- [Paul] Sarah!

- What?
- [Sarah] Oh, my God.

- [Paul] Sarah.
- Goodbye.

[Sarah mutters]

[Paul] Is everything all right, dar...

Sarah, what is the daughter of
Tony Baddingham's greatest enemy

doing in our kitchen?

Oh, please, God,
don't tell me she cooked the dinner.

[sighs]

It's no good.

[sighs] It's no good, I'm never going to
be able to cook like Winifred.

Darling,
I just wanted your night to be perfect,

so I got Taggie to come and help me.

I've been in the pantry,
Sarah's done most of it.

[Sarah] You weren't to find out, Paulie.

Come on, nobody's seen her.

As long as there's absolutely
no chance of Tony finding out.

Absolutely none.

- [mouths]
- [Paul] Right.

[Sarah] Come on, darling.
Why don't you go back in there

and top up everyone's wine?

It could have been worse, you know.

It could have been
Rupert Campbell-f*ck in this kitchen.

[laughs]

[sobbing]

[sniffles]

I'm so sorry.
But the real Luigi cooked this one.

It's really good.

Yes, so I hear.

Thank you.

- Good luck in there.
- [chuckles]

Go! Out!

- Hey! What the hell are you playing at?
- What?

It's going round the whole party,
apparently you've got a secret.

If I hear so much as a whisper

- about it being mine...
- I haven't told anyone!

I can't help it if you have.

- [Paul] Sarah!
- [mutters] Get in!

- What?
- Get… Just get in! [Mutters]

- [Paul] Darling…
- Huh?

…I can't seem to get Tony on his own
and now I'm chatting up Beattie Johnson.

Only I may have done too much

and made her think that I'm up for
a clinch in the cloakroom.

[Beattie]
No, I'm still looking for the whisky.

- Oh, God, hide me! Hide me, hide me!
- No, you… No, no... [stammers]

[Beattie] Any Scotch around here?
There's bugger all in the sideboard.

- [Sarah] In the wine pantry.
- Wine pantry?

- Aren't we posh?
- Mmm. [Chuckles]

Tony.

Paul.

[clears throat]

So listen, while I've got you, um…

I wonder if you might see fit to, uh,

get me on the Cotswold Round-Up
sofa this week, hmm?

One final push before the election,
you know?

Win it for the blues?

No, yes, no. No, yeah.

I'm sure we can do that.
I'm sure we can make that happen.

- Marvellous.
- [clears throat]

Thank you so much.

Um… After you.

Ah, Paul, there you are.

And you found Tony, good.

Good. Um, darling?

Beattie wants a Scotch,
so would you take that in for me?

- Ooh, might join her in one actually.
- Ah.

[chuckling] Tony.

[Sarah sighs]

I'm seeing the Harley Street
doctor next week, all right?

So, what's all this about secrets?

[chuckles]

I didn't cook this. All right?

It's not about the baby.

Listen to me, you get yourself
un-pregnated as quickly as possible

or no more dinner parties, huh?

No more Uncensored, you got it?

You are off the show
till you sort yourself out.

[crying]

[sighs]

Beef daube… daube… daube

[sniffles] beef… beef daube…

[exhales deeply]

Oh, sorry about that, everybody.

- Here it is. Beef daube.
- [guests cheering]

[guest] Brilliant.

[church bell tolling]

[Hermione] Oh, I do love a plum crumble.

But Taggie O'Hara cooked the whole thing,

and Sarah had her hiding
in the kitchen all night.

No, you're joking!

- [laughs]
- Oh, there's Gerald!

Uh, don't forget to vote tomorrow.
Rupert Campbell-Black.

Gerry!

- Oh.
- [Monica chuckles] Hello.

Beautiful day for it.

Hello. Georgie girl.

- Oh, aren't you a beauty?
- [Monica chuckles]

Does Tony know you're
fraternising with the enemy, Monica?

Oh, we've all known each other
far too long for any of that silliness.

You, me and Hermione were
spiking the punch at the Junior Hunt Ball

before any of us even knew
what a television franchise was.

[all chuckling]

Muffy, your godmother was
quite the firecracker, you know.

[Muffy] Oh! [Laughs] Gerry, darling.

- Do you want some help?
- Um…

- Mummy, will you take David back?
- Oh, of course.

- Have fun.
- Cheerio.

- Come on, David.
- [Muffy] Yes, give me some of those.

Lovely to see her so happy.

Do you know,
I really never thought she'd find anyone.

[Muffy] Rupert Campbell-Black.

Quite something, isn't she? Your Muffy.

She's a trooper.

I must say, it was
something of a surprise at the polo.

Yes. Sorry.

Um, you were away when it all happened.

I mean…

I didn't know you liked, um…

Dogs and horses?

Yes, exactly.

Well, you know what it's like
when you find your person.

Suddenly everything about you
makes sense. [Chuckles]

So you have to screw
the corners down really tight. Look.

[grunts]

Then you have to leave it
for several weeks.

Weeks?

[Mrs Makepiece]
Teaches you patience, don't it?

Done it with my Brownies a few times.
They love it.

Do you go to Brownies, Tab?

You only go to Brownies
if you haven't got a pony.

Oh, we can use them to
decorate cards once they're pressed,

like these ones I've made.

- [Tabitha] What's Taggie short for?
- [Taggie] Agatha. Isn't it awful?

Tabitha's so much nicer.

[Tabitha] I don't like it if people
call me Tabby at school.

Sounds like a cat.

Well, my parents call me Tag
which sounds a lot like Tab.

If Marcus shouted,
"Tab" we'd both go charging

into the room and bump into
each other in the doorway.

[laughing]

If you come to Warwickshire,
you can see Biscuit, my new pony.

Oh, I'd love that.

Tab!

- In here!
- Here we are!

[both laughing]

[Tabitha] Daddy, can Taggie
come back to Warwickshire

with us tonight and see Biscuit?

Seabiscuit? That's another horse entirely.

- Please, Daddy.
- She can come

and get burgers with us on the way.

I said I'd give Mrs M a lift home, so…

- Mmm.
- I'll walk. It's not far.

You go see the pony.

[Rupert] Lunch?

I…

- Yes! Yes!
- Okay.

I can't wait for you to meet Biscuit.
Come on!

Okay, okay.

- I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
- What Tabitha says goes.

Last one to the car is a filthy rascal.
Go, go, go, go, go!

[chuckles]

[patrons chattering, laughing]

Table 11 are ready for drinks, darling.

[Taggie laughing]

Oh, no!

- Little quick check on 12, okay?
- [Taggie laughing]

[Kevin] Yeah.

[Rupert] Brought the house down.

Everything good, Mr Campbell-Black?

Perfect. Um, I'll have another please,
uh, Kevin.

- And the pudding menu.
- Coming up.

[Tabitha] We can have pudding
if Cameron's not here.

Horrid Cameron thinks fruit salad
is a pudding. Yuck.

Oh, Cameron's not horrid.

You know, when I first met her,
I did think she was a bit scary.

Even Daddy probably
thought she was a bit scary.

- I was terrified.
- [Taggie laughs]

If Cameron and Dad got
married, she'd be our stepmother.

- I'm not calling her Mother.
- You don't have to.

Um, Malise doesn't make
you call him Dad, does he?

You're so lucky,
all these extra grown-ups you've got.

Are you one of our grown-ups?

I-I could be
your grown-up friend if you like.

Delicious as ever, Basil.

The wine or the girl?

There you go.

Thank you.

And this is for you.

Thank you.

[Ginger, Beattie laughing]

- [Tony] It was. It was.
- [laughs]

Didn't realise you'd
lifted the ban on supervillains.

Closest place to Corinium for
an off-campus cabal.

Don't worry, I charge him double.

Been discussing all
the program me ideas you've pinched?

Not pinching anything.

We have everything we need.
Just spending time with the family.

Same as you.

Oh, I must congratulate you.

I had no idea you had
three such beautiful children.

[chuckles]

Do have a good evening, won't you?

Mr Stratton, welcome back to Corinium.

- Good to see you.
- Thank you.

And can I just say I'll
definitely be voting for you tomorrow.

[laughs] That's very kind.

Thank you, Doreen.

Deirdre.

Of course the,
uh, weather forecast looks perfect

for a stroll into town tomorrow
but, uh, don't forget to vote

on… o-on the way to the ice cream van.

And can I just say from all of us here,

and of course we would say this
to candidates

from all the parties, that we wish you
the very best of luck winning Cotchester.

[Paul] Well, of course.

I'm hoping to continue to serve
the fine people of Cotchester,

but frankly I'm already
the luckiest man alive. Well…

And in fact, Sarah and I expect to
be rather busy in the coming months.

Oh, well, wonderful. And as I said...

Because we're having a baby.

[gasps]

[stammers]

[James] I'm sorry, what?

We, uh, couldn't be happier actually.
[chuckles]

Of course, things have changed
since I first became a father.

I gather men change nappies now.

- [James] Well… [laughs]
- [Paul laughs]

Well, and, uh, how wonderful to hear
it here first on Cotswold Round-Up.

Now, after the break.

Pie. Cottage, shepherd's, or just humble?

[Tony] Christ!

Oh, how the bloody hell did he find out?

I didn't tell him, I swear.

So we don't know who it was,
we don't know what else they know?

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna have to go through with it now.

[cries]

People have babies every day.
You'll work it out.

Go home and celebrate with your husband.

It's Uncensored tonight.
Please let me do the show.

Please let me be brilliant
and make it up to you.

You're in no state. Beattie will do it
without you as planned.

- N-No, but...
- We're not changing the show now.

I told you you're off the show
till you sort your little problem out.

To my eyes, the problem has,

if anything,
suddenly got rather bigger, hasn't it?

Go on.

[Sarah sighs]

[sighs]

We're going to do it tonight,
just as planned?

Oh, yes.

- All g*ns blazing.
- [chuckles]

Chin-chin.

[door opens]

How did you find out?

I saw Winifred pregnant a number of times,
remember?

I know the signs.

So, were you planning on telling me
at any point over the next six months

or were you just gonna pop out
shopping one day

and come back with a baby?

How could you expose me like that?

On live television.

Announcing it like it was
part of your election campaign.

I announced it because I think you might
be under some pressure to get rid of it.

And I don't want you to.

I heard Tony talking to
you about a termination.

Don't I get a say?

It's my child too.

So selfish.

- I'm selfish?
- Mmm.

But you were the one considering

getting rid of it
for the sake of your career.

Yeah, well,
at least my career's going well.

Do you know, a lot of women
would be glad to have a baby

with a father
who's already been through it.

Oh, yeah,
I'm sure you were really invaluable.

Did you trap Winifred? Hmm?

Like you've trapped me?

Unlike you, she wasn't
constantly on the lookout for an escape.

Yeah, well, I bet she's glad
she got one in the end.

If you disgusted her
even half as much as you disgust me.

Ooh.

God. Do you know… I'm done. I'm done!

I hope you lose your seat to
the Monster Raving Loonies.

- [Marcus] Mama!
- Hey, sweetheart.

Hey, Tab. Did you have a good time?

- [Tabitha] Yes, we really did.
- [Helen] Oh. Hi!

- Hi.
- Mummy, this is Taggie.

Yes, we've… we've met before.

She's a babysitter and she is brilliant.

I'm taking her to meet Biscuit.

- Come on!
- [Taggie] Oh.

Marcus, are you coming?

Babysitter. [Scoffs]

She's Declan O'Hara's daughter.

There was a woman here
this morning with a film crew. Corinium.

- Did you speak to them?
- No, of course not.

I told her to get
the hell off of my driveway.

But you should know there's
some people sniffing around.

It's the election. Probably.

- How was Venice?
- Oh, cultural heaven.

You want to see the photos?

- No, thank you.
- No.

Oh, he's lovely, isn't he?

He'll say hello for a Polo. Look.

Do you want a Polo, Biscuit?

- [Biscuit whinnies]
- [laughs]

[Tabitha] I think that's a yes.
Here you go.

Biscuit!

- [Taggie] Aw.
- [Tabitha] Now say hello to Taggie.

[Taggie] Your children are very beautiful.

Not surprising, I suppose,
with such a beautiful mother.

Is it agony when you see her now?

Oh, agony.
She bores the f*cking t*ts off me.

Can't think how I stayed
married to her for seven years.

How Malise puts up with it, I don't know.

- Well, he's much older, isn't he?
- Yeah.

When he talks about the w*r,
he means the Crimean.

Wow.

How did she meet him?

- He was my chef d'équipe.
- Oh, a chef?

- Like me. Hmm.
- No, um…

- Why?
- Chef as in "boss". French.

- Uh, he ran the British showjumping team.
- Ah.

Uh, I suppose he was my mentor.

My Mr Miyagi.

Must have been hard to lose him to her.

The only thing that really irks me is
that Malise succeeded where I failed.

I can't honestly say that I've ever
made any woman happy.

Not for very long.

You know, I'll babysit any time you like.

I mean, I don't want to tread
on Cameron's toes.

Oh, God. I wish Cameron could
handle the kids as well as you do.

You're gonna make
an incredible mother one day.

I wish…

You're lovely with them.

Seen a different side of you today.

It's been a lovely day.

One of those days
you don't want the sun to go down.

You know, by the time Helen left me,
I could hardly bear to look at her.

Nothing she'd done.

Just 'cause of the hurt
I could see in her eyes.

I must never do it again.

I mean it, Tag. I mustn't.

I won't break you too.

[sobs] I did it.

I left him! I left Paul.

Oh. Jesus. Um…

- Um. Thanks…
- I should go.

…for today. I'll-I'll call.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I didn't know where else to go. I…

I don't really have any friends.

I love a cheese sandwich. Thanks, Shelley.

- Is that chutney?
- No, it's jam.

- [Declan] We're back!
- Surprise!

- Hello, guys.
- You're… You're not back till tomorrow.

We raced home to tell you the news.

- You tell them.
- [Cameron] No, you.

The BBC called me at the hotel in Ireland.

They've greenlit Yeats.

Dad, that's amazing!

- Yes!
- [Mike] Thank Christ!

Ah, so now I can cut
the tags off my Venturer T-shirt?

[Declan] You can.

But oh, my God,
they want it delivered in three months.

We got an early flight back
'cause there's so much to do.

Let's get to work.

[Declan] Mmm.

Why was Taggie O'Hara here?

Babysitting.

I was worried when I found you
with her in my pantry.

She's far too young.

What does age even mean?

- It's just a number.
- Yeah, it's just a number now.

Imagine what it'd be like in a few years.
It'd be like me and Paul.

Oh, God.

Sarah…

Why are you here?

Uncensored's going out tonight without me.

Beattie's presenting it solo
and I think she's going to stitch me up.

I think she knows something about me.

[sighs]

And now everything's going to be ruined.

She's going to crucify me
live on national television.

[Beattie] No, I think that's…
No, get off me.

[♪ Dramatic music playing]

[muttering]

[groans]

[♪ Dramatic music continues]

[Brian] Preparing to go live…

Five, four,

three, two, one.

And cue Beattie.

Good evening and welcome to Uncensored,

the naughtiest show on the network.

The beady-eyed among you might have
noticed I'm by myself this evening.

Sarah's getting some rest
due to the pregnancy

announced this afternoon on Corinium.

On tonight's very special edition,

we uncover the scandal behind the
polished facade of a national treasure.

Here we go.

Whatever she says about you,
we'll work it out, okay?

Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell-Black.

[whines]

You might want to fasten
your seat belts for this.

It's going to be quite a ride.

[♪ Opera music playing]