01x09 - The Divorce Thing

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Beeping)

♪ Something tells me

I’ve been dreaming ♪

♪ Of someone who was

never real ♪

♪ It’s seems I've changed

a thousand ways ♪

♪ I wish I looked

the way I feel ♪

♪ Braceface

♪ My life gets complicated

♪ Boyfriends

♪ Don’t want to talk about it ♪

♪ Teenage

♪ I’ll work it out in the end ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Ah

♪ Ah

♪

♪ Braceface

♪ My life gets complicated

♪ Boyfriends

♪ Don’t want to talk about it ♪

♪ Teenage

♪ I’ll work it out in the end ♪

♪ Braceface

Wait, wait!

Dad, I can’t believe you always

make do this!

Let me go over the lyrics

again.

"I’m coming home cause my baby

wrote me a letter."

Hey, does that mean you’re

coming for a visit?

(Blender whirring)

Hey, I can’t hear!

(Blender turning off)

Yeah, of course, I’ll be around,

waiting to see you!

Okay, I’ll tell Josh and Adam!

I love you, too!

Bye!

Richard coming home?

Yup!

SHARON NARRATING: Richard’s

my dad, the travelling rock

musician.

The type of grownup who insists

your friends call by his first

name.

And who always makes you guess

what he’s thinking by singing a

song.

Everybody loves him, except for

my mom, of course.

I mean, she used to.

So is he going to hang with

us?

For sure!

He’s coming to do a concert in

the park the weekend after next,

and then he’s home for two whole

weeks!

That was the thing about

having divorced parents.

Ever since I was eight, I’ve

had to have a day timer.

How else could I keep track of

everybody’s schedule?

Very nice, Maria.

Are you practicing for the

Olympics?

(Chuckling)

No, new ice rink opening up.

(Sniffing)

Are you wearing perfume?

Yes, do you like it?

Since when do you wear

perfume?

It was a gift.

From who?

A friend I met at a seminar,

David.

I’m going to dinner with him

tonight.

How do I look?

Oh, you look great, Dr.

Spitz.

Yeah, Mom, great.

I think I’ll go check my

makeup again.

Since when does my mother act

all girly?

Hello!

That’s what you do whenever

you’re in the same time zone as

Alden.

That’s totally different!

Alden’s the love of my life.

The guys my mom’s gone out with

have been more like experiments

that I’ve had to suffer

through!

BOYFRIEND #1: What a cute

little girl you are!

SHARON: My cheek hurt for

three days!

It’s lucky I didn't need

reconstructive surgery.

(Snorting laughing)

It’s so funny!

(Snorting laughing)

I can’t believe how funny

that is!

(Snorting laughing)

SHARON: That one was really

traumatic.

I was afraid to tell another

knock-knock joke for weeks!

BOYFRIEND #3: And then, the

butterfly landed on the moose’s

right antler.

SHARON: Storytelling

performance art guy?

Ugh, he was so boring!

I nearly went into a coma!

Ugh, this guy’s probably

another loser, just like the

rest of them.

My mom will catch on eventually.

She always does!

Well, maybe you should give

this one a chance.

Your mom’s probably lonely.

Lonely?

She’s got us!

Okay, so she needs an excuse

to escape!

(Chuckling)

Which you don’t!

DAVID: So, I hear you

tickle the old 88s, huh?

JOSH: I play the piano, if

that’s what you mean.

I have my grade three from

the conservatory.

(Cracking knuckles)

(Piano playing)

(Yawning)

Hey!

You wrestle?

Yeah!

I’m on the, uh--

Uh, hello?

I won the regional

championship in my senior year

with this hold!

(Chuckling)

(Bones cracking)

(Gasping)

(Giggling)

Hey, you okay, man?

No problemo.

I’ll call my chiropractor in the

morning.

HELEN: We better get going,

David.

DAVID: Oh, but I want to say

"hi" to your daughter!

HELEN: Sharon, honey!

Can you come down?

SHARON: I’m studying!

I guess it’ll have to wait

until next time.

"Next time"?

HELEN: Good night, boys.

Good night, Sharon!

I won’t be late!

"Next time"?

Where is she?

(Cheering on TV)

How can you sit and watch TV

when your mother’s practically a

missing person?

Chill, Shar.

I’m sure she's okay.

Excuse me, we don’t know

anything about this guy!

Sure, we do.

He plays piano better than he

wrestles.

Very funny, Adam.

Mom said she wouldn’t be late,

and it’s already after 11!

JOSH: Hey!

Someone just woke me up right in

the middle of a really cool

dream.

Fascinating, but you might be

interested to know that Mom’s

not home yet.

So?

What’s the big deal?

Doesn’t anyone around here

read the paper?

No, including you.

SHARON: That’s not the point!

I still know what’s going on out

there!

(Car horn honking)

Maybe that’s her!

Eww!

Maybe she’s just being...

polite?

SHARON: I couldn’t believe my

mom was actually attracted

to this guy!

He was so goofy!

Not like my dad, who was funny

and cool and talented.

What was she thinking?

Didn’t she know that kissing

Mr. Try-Too-Hard was just going

to keep him round even longer?

(Humming)

Um, Mom?

Yes, honey?

Uh, you’re putting granola in

your coffee.

I am?

Yes!

(Laughing)

How do you like that?

I must be distracted.

I’ve invited David for dinner

Friday night.

Huh?

This Friday?

Is that okay?

It’s the only night of the week

that works for us.

I’m supposed to go skating

with Connor and Maria.

The new rink is opening up.

Oh.

I guess we’ll just do it

another time, then.

Shar, can you come check

out that new t-shirt I got?

I’m not sure it fits right.

Since when do you care what

I--

Since now!

(Screaming)

I don’t wanna!

You saw Mom’s face!

Can’t you go skating another

time?

But I don’t like him!

He’s too... ugh!

I don’t know!

Did you see how he was trying to

suck up to you and Josh?

And what’s with him being so

fake-cheery all the time?

It makes me sick!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I’m not thrilled with him

either, but Mom obviously likes

him.

So let’s just get this over

with, okay?

SHARON: Maybe Adam was right.

Why put off till whenever what

I could do on Friday?

The sooner I put a plan in

action to get rid of that guy,

the better.

(Doorbell ringing)

Balloons?

Yeah, you’re right, it's too

much.

(Balloons popping)

Better?

Mmm!

I love carnations!

No, you don’t!

Yes, I do!

They’re my favourite!

I hope everyone’s hungry!

I’ll help you, Mom!

Okay, I’m not exactly proud of

what I did next, but MR.

Way-Too-Cheerful,

Try-Too-Hard-Balloon-Guy had to

go before he met anyone I knew

and turned me into a social

outcast for life!

Sweet and sour noodles.

My mom’s favourite dish.

She makes it all the time.

Hey, you know, I had braces

in high school.

I hated mine, but they look

groovy on you.

SHARON NARRATING: Groovy?

What decade were we in?

And if he thought he was gonna

bond with me over my braces, he

was in the Land of "Yoo-hoo,

Think Again"!

(Giggling)

This... is terrific!

Huh?

I mean, excuse me?

The flavours really jump out

at you!

Thanks.

Maybe you can give me the

recipe.

I want to make this for the

twins.

Twins?

Lara and Sara, David’s five

year-olds.

I’m very anxious to meet them.

Oh, do you want to see

pictures?

It’s okay, maybe later.

Aren’t they adorable?

UNISON: Adorable.

SHARON: I could already see

it.

If I didn’t do something

quick, I was gonna spend my

formative years babysitting

the myopic brats while everyone

else was having a life!

(Laughing)

Help!

HELEN: David brought brownies

for dessert!

They’re from that new place

in the mall.

I’ve tried those!

They’re extra chocolately.

SHARON: Mmm, these are kind

of pre-fab tasting.

Nowhere near as good as my

dad’s.

He makes his from scratch.

Matter of fact, he did a lot of

cooking when he lived here, and

it was all amazing.

Balloons!

Can you believe it?

And you need, like, sunglasses

when you’re in the same room as

his ties!

My dad would never be caught

dead wearing a tie.

He’s so cheerful all the time,

it give me a headache!

MAROA: Okay, I’m guessing

you’re not nuts about the guy.

How can my mom like him?

Maybe he’s nice to her.

He’s nice to everyone!

It’s like an illness.

Wanna come in?

Nah, I’m going shopping with

my mom.

I talked her into getting me new

shoes for my dad’s concert.

Sounds like she feels guilty.

Yeah!

You should get as much out of

this giving mood for as long as

you can.

Maria!

Just looking at the bright

side of divorce.

SHARON: I don’t know.

What do you think?

They’re both pleather, which is

perfect, but which colour?

I don’t know.

SHARON: Orange is cool, but

green could be better, cause,

you know, you’d never see grass

stains and stuff.

What do you think of these?

SHARON: Um, Mom, they’re kind

of big for me.

No, I was thinking for David.

I can’t really picture him in

those.

Really?

Why not?

I don’t know, they're kind of

cool-looking.

He doesn’t seem like the type.

I like that he’s not cool.

It means I don’t have to try to

be cool back.

I can just be myself.

Okay, fine, but you don’t

think he’s right in your face a

lot?

You mean, because he wants to

make a good impression?

Yeah, except he doesn’t.

But at least he’s trying.

I think that’s better than not

trying at all.

I totally don’t get it.

Haven’t you noticed his ties?

(Chuckling)

How could I miss them?

You have to admit, he’s unique.

Excuse me, carnations are not

unique.

It’s not about the

carnations, sweetie.

It’s the thought behind them.

(Sighing)

Maybe if you saw him through my

eyes.

SHARON: Boy, was Connor ever

wrong.

My mom wasn’t feeling guilty,

she was too busy thinking about

him to even notice how I felt!

Earth to Mom, Earth to Mom,

it’s your daughter here!

Am I losing you?

Cause the connection’s

terrible!

Come on, think!

How are we gonna get rid of this

guy?

It’s none of our business,

Shar.

I don’t think we should

interfere.

What do you mean, it’s none

of our business?

Do you have any idea what could

happen if he and Mom actually

got married?

Our lives could be completely

changed forever!

We might have to go to new

schools, and everything!

Or what if he gets transferred

to some place with no running

water where it snows all the

time?

He’s an accountant, Sharon.

What if he and Mom decide to

have more kids?

(Gasping)

We’ll all be walking around with

spit-up on our shoulders,

tripping over train sets.

We’ll probably end up having to

babysit them for the rest of our

lives!

ADAM: Mom would never let

that happen.

I’m not gonna worry about it.

JOSH: I don’t know, Adam.

It’s probably better if this guy

isn’t around.

You better think of something.

Great!

Thanks for your help, guys!

(Groaning)

Mom!

(Meowing)

What is it, sweetie?

SHARON: I don’t feel so good!

Your head’s not warm.

It’s my stomach.

I feel pukey.

Do you have to go out tonight?

Of course not.

I’ll stay home and keep an eye

on you.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

That makes me feel better.

I’ll just phone David and

tell him to come over, instead.

(Stifled screaming)

And then Lara says, "but what

if I fall asleep and roll over?

I might squash the Tooth Fairy!"

(Laughing)

I’ll be back in a minute.

I just want to go check on

Sharon.

(Panting)

You’re looking flushed,

sweetie.

And you’re warm.

I think you’re getting some sort

of bug.

SHARON NARRATING: Yeah, he

wore little round glasses and

yucky ties and wasn’t going

away.

Don’t they have any medicine

for this kind of virus?

Luckily, my dad’s visit

was exactly what the doctor

ordered.

(Group humming song)

(Laughing)

Amazing, totally amazing.

I should quit my band and form

one with you guys.

What do you say?

SHARON: Yeah, let’s do it!

Then we can see each other all

the time!

Forget it!

I see enough of you as it is!

(Blowing raspberry)

RICHARD: Man, this place

hasn’t changed.

Your mom and me came here on our

first date.

Really?

Yeah, and then we went to a

horror movie.

JOSH: Cool!

A horror movie?

That doesn’t sound like a

romantic idea for a date.

RICHARD: You kidding?

She got scared and I got to put

my arm round her.

It was very romantic.

SHARON: Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Maybe that was the answer to

everything!

All I had to do was recreate my

parents’ first date and remind

them what they loved about each

other.

And then that would be the end

of loser boyfriend.

I knew my dad wasn’t perfect.

He sometimes forgot

appointments and he was always

comparing everything to a song,

but he was my dad and I loved

him.

Dad, what was the name of that

movie you went to?

Hmm.

You know, I don’t even remember.

Horror movie?

No, no, no, we got Chinese food

and had a picnic at the beach.

SHARON: Really?

Are you sure?

Why are you suddenly so

curious about me and your dad?

I’m just getting ideas for

stuff to do with Alden.

I convinced my mom to spend a

night with me watching movies.

And I told my dad I wanted to

cook him a stir-fry all by

myself.

No one else would be home.

Getting rid of my brothers cost

two baseball tickets, money for

food, and one of those giant

foams hands for Josh.

But it was worth spending my

life’s savings on this.

I wanted my parents to be

alone, except for me spying on

them, of course, but that was

for their own good.

Real beach sand was, like,

so not gonna happen, but I

figured kitty litter was an

okay substitute.

Don’t get any ideas, guys.

This isn’t for you!

My preparations were complete.

There was no way this date

wasn’t gonna be great!

(Thunder rumbling)

Hi, sweetie, I’m home!

When do you want to start

to watch--

Oh, my goodness.

(Door opening)

RICHARD: Anybody home?

It’s wet out there!

You okay?

HELEN: We’ve been set up.

RICHARD: Unless you’ve been

redecorating.

What do we do now?

Follow the footprints in the

sand?

(Giggling)

"For your dining pleasure,

spaghetti and Chinese food, and

the entertainment tonight is a

tonne of horror movies."

Um...

Yeah.

Well, Sharon did go to all

this trouble.

And I am kind of starved.

What can it hurt?

Aw--

(Electricity crackling)

RICHARD: Maybe I should just

go home.

SHARON: Great!

Once again, my stupid, dumb

braces had ruined everything!

HELEN: No, you shouldn’t go

out in this storm.

I’ll just light a candle.

And then what happened?

My dad asked my mom to come

to his concert today!

My whole family’s going

together.

Alright!

I don’t even mind having to

vacuum kitty litter for the

next--

(Gasping)

What?

I don’t believe it!

What’s his car doing here?

ADAM: Come on, we’re waiting

for you!

Yeah, we wanna get good

seats!

Hey, Shar!

Ready to get down?

(Rock music)

(Cheering)

Rock on, dudes!

SHARON: Exactly what I was

worried about: The geek in

action!

And people assuming I was

connected to the geek!

Hey, guys!

Thanks for coming!

That was boss, man!

I really dug it!

(Groaning)

Richard, this is David!

I know you’re the brownie

expert, Rich, but you gotta try

one of these.

HELEN: He made them himself,

from scratch!

Mmm.

Almost as good as mine!

(Laughing)

SHARON: I have to admit, I

didn’t get what was going on

here at all.

How could my dad, this totally

cool drummer, even give this

guy the time of day?

Can I take a couple for the

road?

"The road"?

ADAM: I thought you were

staying two weeks.

Yeah!

Sorry, but I just got session

work on a CD and I really can’t

turn it down.

I have to be in LA tomorrow.

LA?

Wow.

So, when will you be back?

Soon, honey, I promise.

SHARON: I couldn’t say I was

in total shock.

It’s not as if this hadn't

happened before.

My dad never stayed around as

long as he said he was going

to.

And whether I liked it or not,

my mom looked totally happy

with this David guy.

It was time to face reality:

My mom and dad were probably

never going to get back

together.

Hey, does your band sell any

souvenirs?

I’d love to give my girls a

t-shirt or something.

Sure!

I’ll see what I can rustle up.

SHARON: At this rate, David

and my dad might even become

best friends!

It was all too much.

The grownups were acting way

too grownup!

This divorce thing is so mixed

up!

At the beginning, it can be

horrible, and then suddenly

it’s not so bad.

You almost get used to it.

I hated to admit it, but

David’s brownies were awesome!

♪